I'm sick of people telling me to go to Al-anon! 😫

I am so sick of everyone telling me to go to Al Anon. Seriously, if I have to hear it one more time, I think I'm going to pull my hair out. Have you ever felt that way before? I bet you probably have. Have you ever found yourself in the kind of situation where you're seeking support? You pour your heart out, you talk about, you know, this stressful, chaotic situation that you're in with your loved one who's addicted to substances, drugs or alcohol. Maybe you're even talking to physician or a psychiatrist or your really good friend. And the only response that you can ever get back is, you need to go to an Al Anon meeting. I see this happening all the time, and I can definitely say that this would make me want to pull my hair out. Now, before any of you guys go jump into any conclusions, this is not an anti Al Anon video. It is not that at all. What this is, is about how to respond to someone who is seeking advice, help, support. They're struggling. We have got to do a better job than just coming up with the whole standard go to Al Anon. Because it almost feels offensive if you're this loved one in the situation and you're really seeking help because it sends a message that, number one, you're not getting any question answered. You're not getting any real piece of, like, solid advice, anything. And it kind of sends the message of saying, yeah, there's something wrong with you. You need to go deal with yourself. And I guess on some level, when people say that, they do mean that on a kind of way. But there's probably a slightly better way to respond to people who are looking for some help, support, and guidance with an addicted loved one. Even when in our office, we always see the family and the addict, alcoholic, and even, especially as a spouse, we ask the families to come in for the family part. Even that can be a delicate situation because spouses especially feel like, why do I have to go? Like, you're the one that's causing all the trouble. Like, you've already disrupted this family so much already. Why do I need to take off work and go? And I can actually understand that completely. It just feels like you've got this crisis, this person that you care about. You're tied to them in a way that's not easily fixable, and you're just stuck in the situation and feeling like you've got to do more on top of probably what's already going on is you probably feel like you're already taking on all your responsibilities. And all of that person's responsibilities. So you feel completely overwhelmed. So even if you're not personally offended when someone says that, it is hard to even have the time to do it. Now, I'm imagining if you're watching this video, you know what Al Anon is. But just in case you don't, Al Anon is sort of like the family version of what Alcoholics Anonymous is or Narcotics Anonymous. It is for family members, and Al Anon is a great group. It can be very helpful. It's just that we just need to do a better job of responding to people. I see this happen in real life. I see this happen in Reddit groups. I see this happen in Facebook groups. Literally, someone is just like, you know, they'll take the time, like if it's an online group, and they'll just pour their guts out, share their whole story, give all these details, and then the. The responses to the comments are go to a meeting or go to a meeting or go to a meeting. So what I'd like to do in this video is maybe give you some other suggestions about ways that you can be helpful to someone who's struggling and seeking some support, in addition to just saying you should go to a meeting. Now, remember, I'm not. I'm not against going to a meeting. In fact, that might probably be exactly what they need to do. And there might be a better way to get them to go to a meeting if you approach it slightly differently. Okay, so one of the things that's actually super helpful in almost any situation where someone is seeking some support and some guidance, one thing you can always do that is helpful and goes over well is ask more questions, get more information, ask some clarifying questions, either for yourself so you can fully understand the situation, or even just to help the other person clarify some things in their own mind. When you ask questions, it makes the other person feel like you really do care, that you really are interested in what's going on with them and that you really do want to be helpful. And it's honestly a really good thing to do before you ever give any piece of advice. Because even if the person has, like, literally poured all their guts out to you, you probably still don't have all the information that you need to give them good advice. There are definitely some more questions that you could ask. So I really feel like that's the first thing that you should do in almost any situation like this. Ask some more questions. The second thing that you can do, which is always very helpful, is validate their Feelings. Understand that if you were in their situation, you would probably feel very similar to them. I'm telling you, this is so much more helpful than if you say something like, well, if I was you, I do this faj. If I was my kid, I kick them out. You know, stuff like that. So that's not helpful. And if you haven't been in their situation, that's okay. You can just stop and imagine if you were in that situation. And I'm going to do a whole video on this at some point because I've got it on my list. You. It's got to be more than just, you should cut ties with that person. Because I feel like that's the second go to. We're going to have a whole video on that. But, you know, relate. Understand the predicament they're in. Understand that it is not that easy to just cut ties and just be done with this relationship. If it were, they would have already done it, right? Maybe this is their husband, maybe this is their child, maybe this is their parent, Maybe this is their best friend. There are a lot of reasons why someone tries to stay in a relationship with someone who has an addiction. And it's not always the wrong thing to do. It's just so easy for us to put some judgment onto that other person and to feel like we know exactly what we would do. And if they would just be stronger, they could do the right thing. That's the messages I feel like that we send to people in this situation. And it's really unfortunate. And the craziest thing about it is I actually see other family members that have been in the same situation. Like, they've had an addict one, they do it too. That's what's even crazy. It's because. And some of that, I think, comes from not like a bad place in your heart. It's not even coming from judgment. What it comes from when in that situation is it's like, man, I wish I would have got out of that relationship I was in faster, right? Like, maybe you've been there and you wish you would have done this or that or the other faster. And so you start projecting that onto that person. And you say, I hear. I see this all the time, like in comments online, girl, you should just run or something like that. You know, it's like, get out of there. I'm telling you. If you remember back when you were in a situation, it wasn't so easy. And it's not something somebody could just be done with. Like, it's about as Ridiculous as saying, to somebody that has an addiction problem, why can't you just stop now? That's just almost offensive, right? So let's just do a better job at it. A third thing you can do is just relate to their situation. If you've been there before, you can relate to their situation. You can say, I remember feeling exactly like that. It really is a crappy situation. You're stuck. There's no good answer. Whatever it is. It's kind of like a mix between helping them feel like you've been there before and validating their feeling that the same time. That's super helpful. It helps people feel not alone. It helps people feel connected to and cared about. I know this is not me. I know it sounds like a tirade. I guess it is sort of a tirade. But I'm not trying to beat anybody up, because I'm sure we've all said that before. You just need to get to a meeting, right? And most of the time when we do that, it's not because we don't care. It's not because we don't have empathy. It's because the situation is really bad. And honestly, it's because usually we don't know what to say or we don't know how to help. And that's why I'm giving you some tips and strategies here on maybe some things that might be more helpful. Even if you're going through this right now yourself, you probably know someone else who's going through it, or maybe you're in a family support group or you're in a Facebook group or something like that. These are things that you can do to help someone else struggling to help another family member. You want to know who else does this? Really bad. Y' all not gonna like this. If. If it's the family member and they're talking to someone who's in recovery, man, they're the harshest. They're the ones that are gonna say, just cut them off. Just kick them out. Just get them out of there. Like, they're the first ones to say that. And remember, some of that is just projecting. It's hard sometimes to separate our story from someone else's story. And even if that's what you feel like they need to do, even if you're sure that's what they need to do, if you really want to help someone get there, there's a better way way to do it. Just like there's a better way to help someone stop using drugs and alcohol other than saying, just stop, right? It's just a little bit more complicated than that. And I know it takes more time and energy, but it'll be a lot more effective if you'll use some of these other skills. Now, the fourth thing you can do if you really want to encourage someone to go to Al Anon, like I said, I think Al Anon is great. It's helped so many people. I am a fan. If you really want to encourage someone to go to Al Anon, instead of just like, you need to get to a meeting, instead of just saying that, you can say, you know what? I was at my Al animating last week, and I learned this, and I heard someone say this, and gosh, it was just so helpful. It's almost more like modeling than telling someone to do something. It's like modeling it or saying a reason why you like Al Anon so much or how it's helped you so much or something that you've learned from it. I feel like when you do that, you actually make it more appealing or more enticing or in a lot of ways, it gives a person a reason to go to Al Anon. Because if you're talking to a family member who's maybe like, new to this whole problem, they probably don't even know what Al Anon is or what it means or what happens in those meetings. And if you're like the family member and all you know is, like, go to this group and tell all your business to a group of people, that just doesn't seem like it would be helpful, does it? Right. It's like, well, I want to tell everybody that. Why do I want to talk about the most painful thing in my life with everybody, all these strangers I don't even know? Like, it's hard to conceive how it would be helpful. So if you're going to encourage someone to do that, maybe talk about that, how it's helped you or how it could be helpful for them. You know, like, tell them the pros of the situation. I just feel like we just got to do better. We got to do better. And that's for counselors. I'm talking to counselors, talking to physicians. I'm talking to other families, talking to people in recovery. We just got to do better. Now, one thing I want you to also think about and remember, if you've ever been told this, let me know. If you've ever been told this, like, put a hand in the comments. It's like raising your hand. Raise your hand up in the comments and let me know if you've ever been told you just need to get to a meeting. Because as a family member, if you have ever been told that and you have ever been frustrated with that, then I want you to think about that and remember that the next time that you want to tell your loved one, you need to go to a meeting or you need. You just need to get in and see your counselor. Because a lot of times I think I'll probably do a whole video on this one as well. We do that to our loved ones who are addicted to. Right. Even though we hate it when people tell us that. It's, like, offensive. Like you're. You're struggling. So it says you need to get to a meeting. It's almost like you're in trouble, something's wrong with you, you need to go fix it. Like, you need to go over there. That's what it feels like to your addicted loved one as well. When you say, have you been new means, have you called your sponsor? Did you go to your meetings? It's not that those are bad questions, but when it's like your only response is frustrating and we got to do better now. Another alternative. Let's say you have an out on minis and it just didn't feel right for you. First thing I'll tell you, and I. And I tell this to anybody, whether it's about aa, na, Celebrate, recovery, anything. You gotta go more than once if you're gonna go. The reason is, is because the first time you go, it's just weird. And it. Well, it just takes you a minute to get your bearings and understand, like, how things work and what's happening and how you talk and all this kind of stuff. And you're sort of nervous because it's your first time there and it just feels awkward. So your perception of the meeting is going to be a little off because you have all that anxiety and you're trying to figure things out. So it's not like it's not as likely to feel very helpful. So you got to go like a couple, two or three times to really get a feel for it. But let's say you've done that. You've went a few times, but you just don't feel like it's the right thing for you. One thing you could consider trying is smart recovery for family and friends. It is a different kind of support group. It's more focused on education and stuff like that and more focused on some practical advice and solutions. Whereas Al Anon is more like a spiritually based program, not religious, but it's more like about taking care of you and that kind of stuff. Not the smart recovery is not, it's just there are some definite differences. And what I say is try all the stuff, right? You join a group on Reddit, join a family group on Reddit, you know, join a family Facebook group. In fact, I have family Facebook group. I'll put the link in here for you in case you guys want to join. It's free if you're not already in there. Some of you might be watching from in that group right now. And there, there's great support in there. Now I'll admit every now and then I look and I see someone respond with that answer. But you usually get a lot of other answers too. So you should get some feedback in, in those kind of groups, if you don't want to show up to a meeting or you don't have time, you can find an online meeting. There are a lot of things and I say try it all and find what you like. Find what's helpful for you. And in 12 step meetings the saying is take what you need and leave the rest. Maybe everything you hear in there doesn't feel right for you and that's okay. But maybe one or two things you heard really hit the spot and it just, maybe it's just light bulb moment for you. Take that, leave the rest. That's kind of with any situation, right? You're gonna find some stuff that's just like, I don't think that really applies me or that just doesn't go over me so well. It's okay. There's other stuff in there that you might like. So let's see who's in here. I did see some hands going. I appreciate that honesty. I saw some little hands happening up there. Let's see what you guys have to say. If any of you guys have been in this kind of situation before. Let's see, tell your story. When I was brand new in recovery meetings, I was trying to go to an AA meeting and I walked into an Al Anon meeting. My aunt was the speaker and she was like, oh my God. I guess that was awkward for everybody. That's fun though. Let's see here. Amy says I've been to Al Anon many times myself. Great program, Amy. I would love it if you are still watching and you're with us right now. Tell us why it's a great program. Tell us like how it's helpful. Give us some like examples or specifics because we need to hear it in case somebody has not Been, let's see. Laura says, I love a man who's addicted to meth. And it's not easy to walk away. He will not stop using. I've tried and I haven't been able to walk away. Right. I think that's Laura there, just sort of relating to. It's. It's like it's a bad situation. Your head knows, like, you need to get out of this, but your heart's just not ready. And sometimes it takes a while before all that gets lined up. And sometimes things can change. You know, it's not, it's not easy just to say, okay, you know, you mess up your ups once I'm out. You know, we try to do that, but when we do that, it's usually out of some kind of like, emotional place. And when we make decisions out of emotional place, when that emotion goes away, we take back the decision. So it's not a good idea anyway. Rita says, I just came across a study that goes to the core cause behind certain problems people face later in life. Things like birth traumas, traumas to the. The mother experience unresolved emotional and mental issues in the family and how some of these can lead to addictions and deal with confusing emotions. It sheds some light on what's going on with my daughter because she experienced a birth trauma. That's super interesting, Rita. If there's somewhere where people can access that course or information, or if there's a video on that, let us know. Give us the link if you have it. And so other people who are interested might can check that out too. Anonymous Facebook user says, what if my husband, who doesn't have any sobriety support, is it wrong to ask him to find a support group or sponsor when you see him struggling? How should I approach it? That is a very good question. It is not wrong to have a suggestion to someone or make a recommendation or anything like that. The key to doing that in any situation is you have to. The timing has to be right. It has to be, you know, them feeling like they need some support. If, if a situation's happening and you feel like they're communicating to you like, you know, this, you know, this just sucks. Everyone I know drinks. Like, I, I can't even go anywhere anymore. That might be a good opportunity to, to do that. If, if the person themselves doesn't feel like they need the support and you're saying that to them, it's just going to bounce off, you know, it's just going to go on deaf ears and it. And it'll probably just be like annoying or insulting. So timing is everything. When you make those kinds of recommendations, whether it's like, I think you should get a counselor, go to treatment, have support group, anything like that would go in that category here. Tammy says sometimes those of us in Al Anon are sicker. We are the people pleasers and the fixers, and we believe we can save others. Al Anon has helped me stay in my lane. So at least, at least Tammy's up here saying, you know, I appreciate that about what Alan Lawn has helped you learn and feel. I will say though, Tammy, although I 100 agree with what you're saying here, telling someone that the family member is sicker than the addicted person is probably not the first person the thing you should teach them because you kind of have to let it absorb. Timing is important. So I agree with everything Tammy's saying and that it's just sometimes I've seen that too, Tammy, where someone just, you know, is. Is struggling with situation. They're putting a problem out there. And the. And someone responds with, well, you're sicker than them anyway. You need to go to Al9. That's like double bad. Just say, just go to Alanon if you're gonna say that, you know, because that it's. When you say that to me, I understand exactly what you're saying. But if you're new to this whole like, family recovery thing, you really don't understand what that means. And it will definitely come across as offensive. Have any of you ever been told that when you really weren't ready to be told that? It's like, what it's. It doesn't go over well. Kathy says as someone who has been to many Al Animans, there are many benefits. Just as the addicted loved one is powerless over his addiction, you learn that you are powerless over changing the addict. That's right. Really, Al Anon, if you don't know a lot about it, it's. It's the same 12 steps. It's a parallel process, which is what can make it really helpful, especially if your loved one also goes to 12 steps, because you'll have sort of a common language and understanding and you'll kind of coming from the same point of view. So I feel like that's super helpful as well.