Important Advice For Parents of Addicts

In this video, we're going to tell you exactly how to survive getting through your kids addiction and come out the other side and still have friendships. Because if you don't know how to handle this with your friends and extended family, you're probably going to come out the other side pretty much hating, lonely and mad, the universe. I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and this is Campbell Manning. And every day we help families so survive this crisis.

So I don't even remember exactly where I was in this. I think my son had gone to treatment.

Okay.

Pretty sure he had gone, but it's on the treadmill, and it was right in front of the window. And I remember looking out the window and hating everyone I saw even know at the Y.

So you can see people, like, walking in. Yeah. Okay.

So if I saw an old couple, older couple, I'd be furious because I didn't think that their grandchildren were struggling with addiction. If I saw a young couple with little tiny children, I was mad because I thought their children will never grow up to be addicts. If I saw a teenager, I was furious because they're not an addict. And I just. I was. I remember being so angry at everyone because I was so lonely, because I really hadn't disclosed much of what was happening to anyone.

Because you were just hiding it. It's like a secret.

So this was before treatment? Before treatment. It was before treatment because I had told my best friend by the time he went.

Okay.

To treatment. Yeah.

Otherwise known as Campbell's emo phase. Did you, like, wear hoodies and, like, black?

But I was.

But you were emo on the inside.

I was emo on the inside. I was not eating much. I was not even reading novels. I was not doing anything fun. Mm.

You called it being in the trough. You pretty much told me you didn't want to get out the trough. You're like, I mean, I'm not coming out. Like, you can't get me out.

But I remember you asked me why, and I remember saying, because I'm so low that if I just stay down here by depriving myself and being angry at the world, then when the next bad thing happens, when, you know, I get another call from the police or he, whatever, it won't bother me.

It's not already.

So I'm crash out just so down there. And you were like, nope, there's always further to fall.

Oh, yeah. I say that kind of thinking, that sort of like, don't get your hopes up thinking is just a mind trick. That's about as Effective as when I set my clock ahead in my car. And you know how effective that is, right?

She's never on time.

You tell yourself, like, if I don't get my feelings up or if I don't, like, expect this to work, that I won't get let down. But trust me, you get just as let down. All you do is rob yourself of any joy in the meantime.

Well, and what I tell parents is if you do that, then you're gonna have an empty battery for when the bad news comes. But if you. If you'll be able to, you know, feed your soul, at least do some of your hobbies. At least keep in contact with some friends and do something, even if it's not full throttle joy, you'll still have enough battery left to tolerate what's coming.

That's a really good point. Yeah, I agree with that. But it's hard because you don't want to. You just want to crawl in a hole.

You just want to sleep.

All right, so the idea for this video actually came from one of the families. They. They sent us an email and said, hey, do y' all ever talk about this? Like, what to do with your friends? Like, the way your friends. A lot of people feel like their friends, like, reject them or don't know how to deal with it, and their. Their relationships just fall apart.

And a lot of them do.

And so we got that recommendation from someone, and I was like, oh, yeah, like, we talk about that all the time. So it was a good video, right? Recommendation.

And I can remember particularly you were recommending to me that I. A friend had reached out. Two friends had reached out and wanted me to have lunch with them, and I didn't want to because they had, I felt, dropped me. This was like a couple years later, and I felt they had dropped me.

Like, they just quit talking to you. They don't have anything to do with you.

Right? And. But you. You said, you really need to go. And I did. And it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. One of those friends I. I haven't seen socially since, but the other I've seen a lot.

What were you thinking that they were thinking?

To be honest, at that point, I didn't care what they were thinking. I was just mad at them because they hadn't supported me, and they knew darn well what had happened, because by this time, he was having gone for a long time.

What did you need for them to do? Because that's what I was telling you, is that your friends don't know what to do. And a lot of times it's not because they intentionally not support you. It's almost like they don't want to bring it up because they don't want to make you feel bad.

Or they have kids the same ages as mine, so I think they felt embarrassed. One of them, I think, seriously thought, my kids would never do this. And so she's one I didn't see again. The other one, I think, just didn't know what to say. And because I had isolated so much, she just was maybe, to be honest, was probably honoring my isolation. What I wish he had done is just say here, I'm sorry. I heard this has happened to you guys, and I don't know what to say, but I'm sorry. That's what I wish.

And I remember actually thinking that, because even though I'm a counselor, maybe it's because I'm a counselor. Like, I don't get in anybody's business that doesn't want me in it. Like, I don't. And it's not even because I don't care. It's more of a respectfulness.

And it could have been that.

But some people, like, you know, they deal with that by coming toward you. And some people are trying to just, like, give you your space, but people don't know what to do.

They don't know what to do. And so they either do nothing, which is the wrong thing, but better than giving you really bad advice or really judgmental advice, because that happens a lot. Our clients talk about that all the time. They don't want to tell their sister because she'll judge them. Or they don't want to tell their aunt because she's kind of mean.

Because if I was you, I just kicked them out.

You should totally take their car from them.

Like, you need to show them you get advice like that.

Yes.

Right.

Right.

Or you get the look.

Yeah. The judge, the judgment look. And if you're watching this video, you know that none of those things would have worked anyway.

Oh, yeah, you tried all that.

Yeah.

You done? You ran through all that, or you wouldn't be watching our video.

Exactly.

Right. That's the regular stuff. Yeah.

So I think the ticket is to, first of all, work through your own shame so that you. You're not held in that isolation. Because that's what that's about, is I'm just too embarrassed and depressed to think about this, then realize it's a disease, and then pick a few trusted people and just say, we're struggling.

Just Gonna have to, like, channel your Renee Brown and be a little vulnerable. Oh, yeah, it's tough.

It's tough. Yeah. But when I finally did it with my very best friend, because she was like, you're dogging me. You're not answering my phone calls. I know something's up, and I'm not going to stop calling. And so finally I was like, you're right. I'm dogging you. And here's what's happened. And she. There was silence. And then she said, I'm so sorry, Campbell. What can I do? I was like, that's what I did.

So this video is all about when to tell, who to tell and what to tell. Because I like the way you said, like, you tell your clients, like, don't be putting the blimp up over your house announcing it, because that's not helpful either.

You don't need to get a T shirt that says, have the mother of an addiction.

Right.

That's not gonna work yet.

Until they're, like, in recovery.

Oh, then you do it.

Then you can. Yeah.

Like, the one over. I have the Goodyear blimp permanently over my house.

Definitely very expensive.

Do you know how much a blimp cost?

But so it's.

It's.

You know, how do you decide when to tell it? Because you. When we were talking about this, you said you felt like that's probably the.

Most important factor, I think that you have to decide to tell it when you can tolerate it, but when you also realize that you are going into the dark hole because it ties directly in with. Also, we can't get the attic clean until we get the parents to get out of their part of the disease, which is shame and isolation. So I think when you realize you're really just lonely and tired, you're past where you should do it.

A lot of people, I think one of the ways to know that you're going to the dark place, into the trough is when you're having those, like, hate everyone thoughts. Like, I get a lot of this. Like, you know, you start getting graduation invitations in the mail.

Oh, the prom.

Christmas cards that talk about all the fantastic things that are happening. And inside you're just seething. You're just thinking, like, mean thoughts. Like, that's going on. You probably need to get a friend.

Yeah, that's. That's a really good thing, is when you start to feel your. Your own emotions going down to that side with other people's news.

Yeah. Or when you.

When you realize you've only talked to your husband. In the last two months and your husband and you're not in agreement about the issue either, then you're like, you know, if I've only talked to my husband for two months, I'm in deep trouble.

Yeah. Because a lot of times with the spouse is like, one wants to talk about it all the time and one doesn't want to talk about it at all. And so then there becomes this tension there.

Right.

Yeah. So when to tell it is when you feel yourself going into the trough. Who to tell it to? To me, I think. I personally think the who is probably.

The who is pivotal. I mean, we talked about this earlier. I don't think you should tell anyone that, you know, you're gonna get judgment or negative comments or that, you know, will impact your child in the future poorly.

So, like, give me an example of that.

Well, I guess it's sort of the details. Like, you know, with my father, I didn't give the details of what was going on because it involved some stealing, and I didn't want my father to judge my child when I knew the addiction had done the stealing.

Right.

So it was kind of just me making a judgment call. But I did tell my father we had a problem.

Right.

And he responded beautifully, which surprised me totally.

Well, you were saying earlier, like, and I see this a lot, and you see this even more than I do, but the parents don't want to tell.

Their parents, especially if they're elderly, because they don't want the grandparent to have anxiety or heart problems or. But I think you made it the good point that you don't want to tell. I don't recommend you tell anyone that's going to start getting on you. Like, yeah, how is it? How is he today? How is it today? How is he today?

Or trying to tell you what to do.

I remember there's a woman in family group who said that she finally had to say because her mother was hounding, hounding. And she finally said, you know, mom, I'm really tired of talking about how he is. I'd like for you to ask how I am. And I thought, well, that was a salient point, man, that's. And the mom heard her.

Right.

She did it.

Right.

Mom was like, we really redirected super nicely. So I think just enough people that you have a trusted group of people that you can talk to about it, because you don't want to burden one person with every necessary detail, but you also don't want to have to bring people back up to speed.

You want to. You Want to have two or three. Two or three people that you really trust that you're not gonna feel like are gonna be judging you or, you know, thinking critical thoughts and you're out there and that sort of thing.

But I do this, I'll really caution you be. Think of this through carefully. Because I remember telling someone I thought would be just so in my corner, and she said that. Probably the most shockingly judgmental, rude comment I've heard. What was it? Well, I'm glad it's your children, because my children would never do that. No, I'm sorry it's your children, but my children would never do that.

Shut your mouth. No, that's probably like the worst thing.

It was bad.

That's bad.

It was bad.

I don't think I even knew that.

So I always tell people, be prepared. If it goes well, wonderful. If it doesn't go well, don't let it ruin your week, day, month, because it's on them. And if they say the wrong thing, it's because they're so uncomfortable with the topic and they're so uneducated about the topic and they're so inexperienced about the topic. And I think in. Instead of thinking they're just toads or being malicious, if you can look at.

It from that way, they just don't know better.

They just don't know better.

They don't know any better.

Yeah, it's like when someone dies and people say it's for a reason, and you're thinking, really?

Right. So, yeah, people just don't know what to do sometimes.

And then you just have to. With the who, you have to just be aware that it could not go well and just find another who.

Because I'm the one that usually sees, you know, the addict and the alcoholic, the one in big trouble. And they have a lot of problem because they feel like their parents or whoever it is is telling everybody in the world all their business. And then that causes a lot of conflict there. I don't think you should not tell anyone for that reason, because I'll tell my client. I'll say, well, they have their support too. Like, they gotta have somebody to lean on. It's not about you, that's about them.

And you'd be surprised that they're actually not right. Which I think is one of the reasons parent group works so well, is that that gives a place to talk about it. If you haven't, it's a practice.

Right. And the other thing I think is super great about parent groups is you can walk in There. And you can look around the room and you can see all these, like, lovely parents. And you're looking at them and you're like, I know they are good parents, like, and look at them like, they're so smart and like, they got it together. And it really helps you to wrap your head around the fact that it's not some parenting thing that you did.

Wrong, a moral flaw in you.

Right. I think it helps because that's what people say in here. Like, I came to groove. I saw these, like, normal people. Like, I know someone told me that today.

They said the first time they came to our parent group, they were like, everybody was so dressed, so well dressed and so smiling, and they were like.

Did you say what? Were you excited?

Yeah, they were like, bunch of poor people who, you know, have bad children.

No, it's not what we are.

Not who. Not who drug addicts are and not who their parents are.

Not a whole for families.

Not for families.

And then the what. So that kind of comes into the what.

I kind of go with less is more. I. I use the term and recommend a lot to say, struggling with some substance abuse or struggling with addiction. Instead of taking this, doing this. The details don't really matter because you want the support for your side of the struggle. You don't want advice about the disease. You don't want advice about your child's behavior. You want support. You want someone to say, let's go get a cup of coffee, or, gosh, I'm so sorry to hear that. I'll be over in 15 minutes.

So I think that's a really good point. It's kind of like you said, like the person that said to their mother or whatever. Like, if the more you talk about the person, what they're doing, the more.

Judgment and critic comments.

Yeah, well, the more, even if it's not judgment, the more that person gonna try to give you advice. And a lot of times that's just frustrating. But the more you just talk about, like, how you feel, I'm, you know, I'm, like, so sad, or I'm devastated or I'm in the trough, or I'm thinking mean thoughts about people, like, talking about that, then they'll. That'll sort of direct them about what you need.

Yeah, because that's really, you know, it's like the blog I wrote, you know, it was called Salty, because I find most parents I see, and I found myself sad, angry, lonely, tired, and yearning for things to be different. And so if you can apply any of those things to Your friend, then they can react to those things because those are human emotions that they can relate. Relate to whether they can relate to addiction or not. And then you get the support you need. Yeah.

And that's what you need is the friend. Right. The friend part.

Right. Yeah. That's all you need. Can find a counselor.

Right.

Right.

Two good ones.

Two good ones right here.

And if you're interested and you want to know just exactly how crazy Campbell got, how far in the trough she went, then you can check out her video, which is also on our YouTube channel, where you can get more of the gory details.

And don't do it.

She wasn't always this delightful, happy trough of wisdom. That's the sort. It was dark.

It was dark times.

Can I tell about the part that. Something bad happening. Frank, that's Cam's husband, called me. We had to do Rock Paper Scissors.

Right.

We had to call you. That's how dark. Like, we were fighting over who had to tell you. Like, not me.

Not me.

Not me. I lost Frankie's good light now.

Well, you know when your counselor calls you when you're on a business trip, and when you go up to break in the hotel room, it says, hey, Campbell, it's Amber. Just, you know, if you could, like, I don't know, maybe return my call today, I was like, well, she's not calling to say hi, Chicago. So I was already girded up.

Yeah.

And then I didn't disappoint you, but.

There'S another way to leave the message.

No, there's not.

This is no good way to do it. All right. Anything else? Any other words of wisdom?

Just don't be embarrassed. It's not your fault. Your kid's not a bad kid. Don't. It's not. Don't feed the shame of this, because that's bad for them as well as you. And it just keeps this. Your cycle of troughness, or whatever you want to call it, going.

You cannot make someone into a drug addict. So I can promise you whatever's going on isn't your fault. But I will tell you, you can definitely make it worse, and you can definitely make it go on longer. And if you don't want to do that, then you better watch our videos.

Yeah.

Because we'll tell you how not to do that. It's not your fault. But most parents do get sucked into it, and they.

They propagate it by their.

They make it go on longer than it really had to by doing what.

Parents would traditionally do, which is yell punishment. Scream and it doesn't work.

Yeah, you got to shift out of parent mode and into some other kind of different. What Campbell calls non intuitive parenting.

Right.

If you or a loved one has a drug or alcohol problem and you don't want to waste a lot of time and money doing all the wrong things, save yourself the heartache, subscribe to this channel, and I'll make sure you're always five steps ahead of addiction.