Inside the Mind of an Addict

These days there's a lot of focus on the brain changes in response to addiction. And while I certainly think that is absolutely important, and I actually have several videos on this channel about that which I will link up at the end, I feel like there is not nearly enough focus on the psychological changes that happen in relationship to addiction. Which is why in this video we are going to focus specifically on how the thing, thinking, feelings and behaviors of a person become very twisted up in response to having an addiction. In fact, I'm going to talk mostly about the thinking part and I'm going to tell you five different reasons and hows as far as why is it that someone changes so much as a person? And as we go through these, I would love it, love it, love it. If you're watching and you have any experience with addiction, whether it's yourself, you've had it in the past or you're currently in it, or a loved one who's struggled recently or a while back, most of us have had some kind of connection to addiction along the way somewhere. I want you to tell me in the comments or in the chat, what are some of the really irrational, twisted up, delusional thoughts that you've heard someone talk about or say or maybe even you've said in response in relationship to the addiction that you know that that person wouldn't normally have ever thought or said? Because when you do that, when you put those in the comments, it, it's so relatable to so many other people. And of course I'm going to give you some examples, but there are tons and tons and tons of examples. In fact, even though I work with addiction every single day in my office, it surprises me every single time. Even though I've done this for like a bunch of years now, coming, I mean, getting close to 20 years now, people, every time I hear these kind of irrational thoughts or this really like denial that doesn't make any sense. It surprises me every single time. You think I get used to it, but I don't because it's like, really, you think that now? I don't most of the time. Most of the time I'm on my good behavior and I don't always respond with really. Although sometimes I do. I don't always say it, but most of the time in my head I'm thinking, really? You can't see that? Really you think that like, you know, it's just mind boggling to be on the other side of it. And if you have ever had an addiction and you've come out on the other side of it, then you know exactly what I'm talking about. Because you look back on the way you thought and you felt and you made decisions and how you viewed the world around you and the people around you, and it's like, what the heck was I thinking? You know, because it's just so different. And most of the time you can't see it until you get out of it. And on the other side, lastly, before I give you these five reasons or ways you'll see these thinking distortions manifest is I want you to know that anyone can get in an addicted state of mind. And I mean you too. You are. That are listening. I mean, myself. Okay, we've all lost our mind. And being crazy, we tend to think of this when it comes to drugs and alcohol. But there are a lot of other addicted states of mind. Like when you're talking totally infatuated in love, if you're having an affair, if you're so obsessed about accomplishing something in your life that you get blinders on. Because that's what addiction is. It's really just obsession. And all the thought distortions really are sort of wrapped up around protecting that obsession. They're designed to put these blinders on you so that you can't see anything except the thing you're after. Think about like they put blinders on horses, right? They don't want the horse to see the whole thing when it's racing. They just wanted to see the finish line. And that's the way you get when you're in an addicted state of mind. And most of us at some point in our life will have been there for some reason or the other. So as I go through these, I want you to understand I'm not picking on anyone. I'm going to tell you right now, I've done every single one of the things I'm about to name. I've certainly seen and been on the other end of every single one of these things that I'm about to tell you. But the more you can recognize it, the more you can protect yourself from it. And even if you're the person on the other end of this, you can protect yourself from the pain of this. Because it may be frustrating to see these things or have someone else say these things to you. But it won't be nearly as frustrating if you understand exactly what's happening and you don't personalize that and you understand, okay, here's what's going on. Here's why they're thinking this way. And Like I said, at the end of this video, I'm going to link up the, the link to several videos to at least videos that I have on the science of addiction that really kind of help explain from like a biological brain level why the thinking or the psychology happens this way. So this is really, I'm going to kind of go, I'm going to give you these five things, but really one connects to the other. And by the end when all these five things intermingle together and you get all these going on at once, that's when you really get to dealing with someone who's in a deluded state. When someone's in end stage addiction and when they're pretty far in addiction, they're not seeing the world the way other people are seeing it. The thinking is very irrational and deluded. And so let's talk about how or why it gets that way. Now you'll know you're dealing with someone who's thinking like this. I always say this is how you know that you're dealing with something it like this because you have this like urge inside of you that wants you to grab a hold of their shoulders and just shake them. Be like, are you kidding me? Like, what the heck? Get your act together. What, what are you thinking here? When you have that urge, that's how you know you're dealing with this kind of addictive thinking. And like I said, this kind of thinking can happen for lots of reasons. Typically when we get something that we are so obsessed about and we want so badly, that's when this can occur. And so it happens in more situations in drug and alcohol addiction, okay? First and foremost, when we get obsessed about having something, we get into this desperate state of mind, okay? And when we're in this desperate state of mind, we become very short sighted. We can't think rationally about the long term consequences. We can't even be honest with ourselves about the short or long term consequences because we're so desperate to have or obtain or get this thing, whatever that addicted obsessive thing that we need, that we're just very, very, very short sighted. And so even though we know if I go and take money out of my mama's wallet or something like that, and I know by the end of the day she's going to know I did it. I'm such an immediate state of mind, such a short sightedness and I like, I have to deal with right now in the moment that I in the mind is like, I'll deal with that later. If there's even any thought about that, because sometimes we can't even think that far out to, you know, this evening when mama realizes I took that out of her wallet. It's always dealing with the immediate. There's an urgency or a desperation there that makes us act on what we need in that moment. And. And really, it's very difficult to get someone that has an addiction to see past that moment. I was. I was talking to a family just this week, and they were talking to me about someone in their family who has substance abuse problem. But one of the people that were talking to me as a husband, wife, one of them talked about having stopped smoking in the past. And so I was using that as an example. If you stop smoking cigarettes is in nicotine, or actually when you are in a nicotine addiction, let's say you are gonna get to go on your dream fantasy vacation, right? You're gonna get to go to Europe or Ireland or Hawaii or it is. That's your dream vacation and you are thrilled about it. And maybe you've, like, worked really hard and you won this great trip through work or something like that, and you are so excited. But when you have an addiction, when you're sitting on that airplane, guess what you're thinking about? You're not thinking about how exciting the trip is and all the fun things you're going to do. You're not looking out at the clouds and daydreaming about it. You're thinking, get me off this plane. I can't wait for this plane to land because I need a cigarette. That's all you can think about is that immediate need that doesn't allow you to really even think past that because there's this constant urgency and desperation that takes over and it keeps us in that really primitive survival part of our brain, right? When you're in a survival situation, an urgent situation, you think about here and now. You don't think about next week. You don't think about whether you're going to get a promotion. You don't think about all those things because you got to deal with here and now. That's what addiction does is it keeps you stuck in this constant. It's like a treadmill that you cannot get off of. Of dealing with the here and now because there's constantly an urgent physical or emotional need that has to be met. So that starts to consume your life. It starts taking over everything. And you can't really think much further than that. Now sometimes you can pretend like it. Like if you have to have a conversation with Someone else, you, you know what you should be thinking about? You know what you should be saying. So, like, let's say you're this person with a nicotine addiction and you're on the airplane and the stewardess stops and says, hey, you know, like, you know, what do you think about? Blah, blah. And you can have this conversation with this person and it looks like you can go there in your mind. But really, what do you think about get me off this airplane? As soon as I get off this airplane, I'm finding the first smoking section and I am jetting out that door, right? That's all you can think about because it's controlling the situation. So, so that's layer number one, this urgency, this desperation. So I want you to keep that in your mind. We're going to layer some more layers in on the top of it. And then you're going to see how or why when someone's addicted, their thinking is just so twist it up. It's just so irrational and frustrating. So you got this desperation. The next thing you want to layer on the top of it is because you have this obsession and this desperation happening. You immediately, this isn't necessarily a conscious thing you do, but you justify why it's important, why you have to have that thing and why you need that thing, and you justify what, why it's okay. So the justifications and the rationalizations start to layer in on top of the desperation. Because at some point you either get frustrated with people around you because they're frustrated with you, or you kind of feel bad about it inside yourself you feel like, you know, why am I so obsessed with this thing? Or whatever. So then we start to make it make sense in our own brain. We start to develop these narratives and these storylines in order to make that thought feeling behavior. Okay? So you got the desperation, this urgent need, you got the justification layered on the top of that. And then naturally that is going to lead you to feel very irritable and thin skinned and easily frustrated with any situation, person, event, whatever, that starts to stand in your way. Now, in the earlier stages of addiction, we just mask that irritation, right? Like if we go back to our example of the, our imaginary guy on the airplane, the stewardess is talking to him and he may pretend like he's pleasantly having this conversation, but deep down inside he's just irritated. He doesn't even want to talk to this person, right? And eventually that irritation begins to bubble out, especially to the people like that you're really close to, like your close family first and Then maybe to your friends and then maybe to like strangers and stuff that that irritability happens. And it's like, why does this person get upset about everything I say? Because number one, they don't want to even have any conversations with you because that's just one more thing they got to do. And it's just annoying and frustrating. Everything in life becomes this annoyance, this crap that you got to do to check out the list before you can get through it so you can get to this end thing that you need to get this relief that you desperately need, right? So you're irritable, you're grumpy, you're anxious. See, now we got, we got that layered on top, right? Got desperation, we got justification, we got irritability. This is just a mess of thinking that's going on here. And that leads us, that irritability then leads us to feeling really unfairly treated. So that's the next layer. Now why do we feel unfairly treated? Because as we're going through those first couple of processes that we just talked about, the people around us are going to start to be frustrated with us. They're going to start reacting to our irritability. They're going to start being frustrated that we're not available anymore. Either that we're physically gone and they can't get hold of us and that we miss important things, or that even if we're there, we're just sort of emotionally not there because we're in our head, we're thinking, we're saying somewhere else, right? And so the people around us start to get on our case about it. Now they may not even know you have an addiction. So they may not be on your case about the addicted thing. They're just on your case because you're not being yourself and you're being different and they want something different out of you. And as you got all this desperation going on inside, justification, all that stuff we said, and then you got everybody on the outside coming at you, layering in all these other frustrations on top of you. And so now you feel tons of resentment, tons of self pity, and you feel like life just isn't fair. Everyone tries to control me. No one appreciates me. People only see this one thing about me and they don't even see all the good things about me. And so then you get this whole internal dialogue going on about how it's not fair, it's not fair that I can't drink and everybody else is drinking. It's not fair that my wife doesn't appreciate how hard I work. You know, you get this victim thinking going on. That's just another layer of protection for this addiction, right? And it. And it leads to even more irritability. And it leads to maybe it's really more than irritability. Then that just leads to outright anger, right? And revenge behaviors. Because then we start to do the thing on purpose just to tick the other person off because we feel like they're being unfair to us and that their concerns are unjustified and that they're always on our case. And we start avoiding them more. And then the more we try to avoid and the more we push back, the more they come towards us. And it's just a never ending frustrating mess of a cycle. Now that is the cycle that we try so hard to interrupt on this channel, on this YouTube channel. It's the cycle we try so hard to interrupt in our counseling and consulting practice. That's the part that we try to untangle first, right? We try to get those pieces to unravel so we can get to some of those other layers of the ball we just talked about. But first you got to get that to untangle between the person and the other people around them. Because that's just that layer of resentment and self pity is a giant thick wall of protection for that addiction. And we got to get that off first and foremost. Now if you're watching this and you struggle with an addiction or have in the past or a loved one, I want you to know there are always, in the description of my videos, there are always links to different kinds of resources. We have a page on our website which is all free resources you can get. So be sure to check those out. If you need resources for yourself or for a friend or for a loved one, it's all there. There's always links in the descriptions of my videos, so check those out. Now the next thing that we are going to layer on the top of this thing is as everyone's coming at us and we're irritable and we're desperate and we're justifying. Then comes this layer of. It's kind of like a justification, but it's slightly different. It's a minimization. We want to minimize the. What I would say we want to minimize how bad our addiction is in a lot of ways. We want to minimize how much we're drinking or how much we're using or how much money we're spending. We want to minimize how those behaviors affect the other people in our life. And so as people are coming at us. Not only are we angry and we're resentful at them, and we sort of maximize in our mind what they're doing to us. We really focus on that and minimize our part of the problem. Right? We want to say, everyone does this. Why are y' all picking on me? Right? Or we want to say, okay, yeah, I do this, but I'm still a good mom, or I'm still a good provider or whatever it is. And we want to. We want to make that problem a lot smaller than it is. But the truth of it is, that problem dictates everything in your life. This is. This is like real talk here. When you get truthful and honest, that thing. That thing that you're addicted to runs the show. There's no minimizing it. There's no saying, well, I have these other good qualities over here. You know, I should be let off the hook on that one. Okay, I got this character defect. It's not that bad, right? Because the truth of it is that addiction controls our mood. It controls how we think and feel, not just when we're using a substance. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 24 7. When you're addicted, you are controlled in one way or the other by this addiction. It controls your thoughts, your feelings, and your behavior, not just when you're intoxicated. Please understand, I'm not talking about that. That's a piece of it. But. But probably controls you even more when you're not intoxicated, because all you can think about is getting the addicted thing. Now, if your thing isn't substances, just replace the word intoxicated with whatever. The whatever word goes there for you. If it's gambling for you, if it's a relationship or spending or whatever it is. We're seeking a feeling, right? And so we want to minimize the impact that's having on our life. We want to minimize the impact it's having on other people's lives. And then we get. All of this wraps up into. And forms the layers of denial. And so when you're dealing with someone in denial, this is what you're dealing with. Like I said, it's layers and layers. It's a lot more complicated than just someone realizing that they have a problem with whatever the addiction there is. Most of the time, people will admit that on some level, right? Okay, well, I drink too much sometimes. Or, okay, like, I've had that problem, but it was in the past. They'll admit that on some level. But do they admit the significance of it? Do they admit the massiveness of it? Do they admit what it's going to take to fix it? Do they admit how that addiction affects them and the people around them? There are layers and layers and layers that come in the picture when you're looking at dealing with denial. And while denial happens and how to get on the other side of it, it's very difficult to get someone in an active addiction on the other side of the denial. Now, they have these moments. You guys have heard me talk about this before. Those. I call them the moments of clarity. That usually kind of happen after something bad happens that you feel really bad about. And then you're. You're kind of honest with yourself about all of it in that moment. But very quickly, you start to put these layers, these thought processes, these psychological processes back on. Like. Like layers of clothes that you're putting on you. You grab them up pretty. It's a protection of yourself. It's a protection of the addiction. And most of the time, people can't see it until they get out of it. And on the other side of it. Let's take a look at who's with us today. If you're watching on the replay, we are so glad you're here as well. Please, please join in the conversation. Because everything you guys have to say, you guys bring the real life examples, right? I'm giving you sort of psychology and philosophy and understanding, and you guys are going to bring the real life examples because that helps people more than anything. This is really cool. Let's see. Romy girl says that I'm cheating, turning my son against him, flirting with co workers, that I'm crazy, that I don't love him, that he. That I think he's out cheating in and on. And none of these are true. Okay, so what. What rummy girl is saying there is. This is what the addictive person in her life is thinking. Excuse me? It's. It's a paranoia, right? It's a thinking that you're cheating, you're doing something bad behind my back, and that kind of thing. And none of it's true. Now, certainly with certain drugs can cause paranoia like that, right? Like. Like stimulants, like, withdrawal from certain drugs can cause paranoia like that. And then other times, people don't necessarily have that paranoia, but they'll use it as a manipulation or deflection tactic, right? Because one of the things that people with addictions do so well is turn it on you, right? Like, they get in trouble for something they get busted for something then. And it's like, well, you did this or you did that. But it sounds like what Romeo is saying is more like a true and a real, almost like a paranoia. Hey, Jimmy, thank you for your words of encouragement. And L is here, Amanda's here, Kristen's here. Rummy girl says, I would love to know how to respond to their delusional rants. When it's daily, it's exhausting, especially when none of the accusations are true. It's offensive. Hard not to lash out in defense. Romy girl, I do have some videos specifically on dealing with, like, with delusion behavior. Like I'm using the word delusion in this video. And, and what I mean by that is, is in this video, I'm talking about it in the context of dealing with someone in denial who's not thinking rationally, who's maybe blaming other people. But there's a whole nother level of delusion, like clinical delusion. It's kind of the difference in saying, I'm depressed and I have a major depressive disorder. Like it has a delusional disorder. And that may very well be what you're dealing with, Romy. And have some videos on that if you want to check those out. But you can't talk sense. You can't reason with someone who's. Who's deluded like that. The more you try to, the more interwoven and intense the delusion will become. So if it's. If the delusion is being caused by a drug, only thing that's going to fix that is getting off the drug. If the delusion is being caused by some serious underlying mental health issue or some medical problem, then that mental health issue or medical problem is going to have to be addressed to get someone who's actively like really, really truly having a delusional disorder issue to get that to be fixed. And I want you to know that I always want you to watch out and be careful. For someone who's in a paranoid state can be dangerous, more dangerous than they normally would because if they get something crazy in their head, you just don't know what they're going to do. So always take safety into con into consideration. Even if you think was ridiculous, like it's not even happening, it's real to that person. So you don't have to believe what they're telling you, but you need to believe that it's real to them and you need to take appropriate action. Jenny says my son was threatened with getting kicked out of a sober living for not Playing rent because he stopped going to work when he got a new job and another chance at sober living home. He didn't show up the first day because he. He didn't have. He. Because he said he didn't have anywhere to live. So why work? Again, that's that. That's that sort of irrational thought. Right? It's that excuse making. It's that justification level right there justifying that level two. That's exactly what you're looking at. Sandra says my own denial. When I believe him, when he says he won't run away or has borderline addict symptom under control because in the moment he really believes it, it's hard to see. Yes. So you can believe that someone really means what they're saying, but at the same time have a higher level understanding that even, even if they mean what they're saying, they may not have the ability to follow through and control that. And so you got to be honest with yourself. And I love that. I love what you're saying here because you're not saying it's his denial. You're saying it's your denial, which is dead on point, Sandra, because you're saying I. What you're saying is I can find myself in denial by believing his thought process. And I love it. That's very insightful. Saska says, do they really feel guilt even if they don't express it? I would say most of the time, yes, 95 or more percent of the time, yes, they really do feel guilt. And a lot of times the more guilty they feel, the more defensive on the outside they'll be. And so it looks like they don't feel guilty or remorseful. Most of the time they do. Occasionally their thinking is so warped that they. That they don't. Especially when they've gotten to the point where they're so resentful and mad at everybody else that they feel so justified in their behaviors that they literally don't feel guilty because they. Sometimes they're purposefully doing things to be mean and hurtful back because they feel so justified. They feel like, you hurt me, I'm hurting you back. So I would say it depends on the situation. Most time there is some guilt there. Occasionally there's not. Angela says cigarettes is her issue. Kit says, I walk six miles in the freezing rain to get a drink. Now 21 years sober, I don't like walking to the curb to get my mail unless the weather is just right. I love it. That's funny. I used to walk six miles in a reason rain. I Can remember when I worked in detox, there was this, like, this older lady, like, retired older lady. And she got into the u. S. So she didn't drive. And she lived kind of out in the country. And so it was like three or four miles to, like, the store down the road or whatever. And she used to walk every day and get alcohol. And she would try to get, like, a little bit because she would tell herself, this is it, so I'm gonna drink. She'd get that. She'll go back, she'll drink it. Guess what happened then? She had to walk back to that store sometimes three or four times a day. Back and forth, back and forth. You can imagine having to do that. Like what you're saying, Kit, no matter the. The weather, this lady was older. I'm sure it was dangerous. Exactly. Sasha says, hi, Amber. Our son is an addict. He has stolen and lied to us over and over. He never takes responsibility for his own actions. It is always my fault. His birthday is tomorrow. Should we still celebrate? Yes, I would. I would do something for his birthday. Now, if it's a situation where you don't want to bring him in your house. I don't know if he's in your house now or not, because you're not saying that in here, Sasha. But if he. If he's not in your house, it may be a situation where you want to maybe read him in a restaurant for public or something like that. The thing of it is, is if you do nothing again, it's like, I can't believe my own mama didn't even tell me happy birthday. Right? And then you're like, in the bag. I rol again. So I don't have a problem at all with. I don't think you should hold love back or affection from someone that's in an addiction. That usually just makes them worse. So, yeah, you can, you know, do the birthday thing now. I wouldn't go give them a thousand dollars or something, but definitely acknowledge the birthday. Do something special if. If that's warranted. But of course, have boundaries and keep yourself in a safe, healthy situation at the same time. Hey, Angela. Rebecca says, how do you regain trust in relationship with an addict? That is a great question, Rebecca, but it is a huge, ginormous, humongous question. And I have some entire videos on that subject. In fact, I have an entire online course about the subject because it is such a huge, huge topic. So definitely check out those videos. I've got some specifically named how to rebuild trust after addiction. Check those out. Hi, Angela. Sonia. Is it Sonia or Sanja? She says, I'm just says, why do they say I thought I was only hurting myself? When they know and see that they hurt that they are doing, they know and see the hurt that they are doing to their wife and kids because they tell themselves. This is part of the deluded thinking now. Because they tell themselves that they're not hurting you, you're just hurting you because you're over worrying or you're overreacting and you're responsible for your worrying. And there's a little truth in that. Right? But there's a lot of ways in which we convince. Which you try to convince ourselves we're only hurting ourselves. But you've probably heard me say in other videos. But that's always bull. There's no such thing as only hurting yourself. If you have people that love you or people that count on you in any way and you're hurting yourself, you're hurting them too. Sorry about it. It's just the cold hard truth. Rebecca said. Would that stem from past traumas? Rebecca, are you talking about specifically these thought processes or addiction in general? I'm not sure exactly. Talking about addiction in general. I do have some videos about addiction and trauma you can check out. Let's see. I don't know if I can say this username, but it says, what if World War 3 starts and I'm on Suboxone and the supply chain is affected? That's a really good question. I don't know. I don't know what the answer to that is. The Suboxone supply chain has stayed pretty steady through the current crises that we're in. So I don't. I don't know if there's a rational fear for that, but I totally get. Because you're. When you're on Suboxone, you're dependent on Suboxone and you have to have it. And so it's a very vulnerable feeling to have inside. Benner says, I've been addicted for over 16 years as an alcoholic. 36 now, almost quit over a year ago next month. Best decision I ever did, but also the hardest. Now I'm totally different mindset. Being a health freak and I love it. Banner. I love it. You fought this thing for 16 years, you got on the other side of it and you feel better. And I love that you said totally different mindset because it's true. If you think back to when you were in your addictive state of mind, what's the biggest difference in the way you thought then versus the Way you think now. Like the way you saw the world in your situation then versus the way you see the world in your situation now. I'll bet it is completely, completely different. Angela says when he's homeless for a while, he may change his mind. No one can do it but him. I've had problems with the child also. Sometimes you have to do what's best for you to say. I agree with what you're saying there, Angela. Sometimes you have to do what's best for you. That is absolutely true. Homelessness doesn't necessarily make someone realize how addicted they are. That's the thing about denial and justification rationalization. It is so powerful. You can be homeless due to an addiction and still not think that you're addicted, right. Or maybe you know you're addicted but you don't care. Which is another level of justification rationalization. This denial stuff is very powerful and that's why it's always so shocking to me when I see it or I hear these things. I'm like, wow, really? It's important to remember that you cannot reason with it directly head on. You're just going to be beating your head against the wall. It's very difficult. I do have a whole playlist about how to get through to someone in denial. And you can watch those videos, find out how. But I can promise you it's not trying to bust through the denial. It doesn't work. Hey, Barbie from Austin. Rachel says, I can't really understand why my addicted daughter blames everyone and me for everything wrong in her life. My oldest kid tells me that I spoiled her more than them. I think I loved them all about the same amount. Is your. It sounds well you saying in here your oldest daughter is addicted. My guess is the reason your oldest daughter blames everyone for everything is because she's addicted. It's a lot more likely that that's why then that she is spoiled. She could be spoiled. I don't know if she is or not. But that kind of thought process is very heavily connected to being in an addicted state of mind. So my guess is it comes from that. Now the other kids may feel like that. That may feel like you spoil your addicted daughter because maybe you're still trying to help your addicted daughter and your other children feel like why are you keep helping her? And that's stupid and you're just spoiling her. Which I'm not necessarily agreeing with. I'm just saying that could be where that where that thought process is coming from. Jenny says yes, thanks. It's a Crazy statement for him to make. Sounds like addictive thinking. Well, hello, Amber. You have a nice name there. Amber says. Hey, Amber, can you address at some point how to handle chronic relapsing and the ambivalence with the addicted person seeming to want recovery and doing the right work? Most of the time, yes. What I would do is I would. I love what you said right there about the person wanting recovery and doing the right work. Most of them, I think that that's a lot of really good seeds or ground that you can work from and nurture. And I would focus on that, focus on what they're doing right, Focus on growing more of the right recovery behaviors. And as you do that, that pushes out some of the addiction type behaviors. And it is hard when someone's in a relapsing state. Like, the relapse has been going on for more than just like, okay, it happened yesterday. Like it's maybe every other day or once a week or something like that. The more they get into that relapse state, the more deluded their thinking gets. And they can go all the way back to completely in denial. And that is always mind blowing to see. Like seeing someone in denial to begin with, that's crazy making enough. But seeing someone come out of denial, really, really get it. And then go all the way back in and out, no, that will blow your mind. Like, seriously, really. I don't even know if I can tell myself when I see a session. Like, yesterday, you said so seeing someone go backwards, that's. That's the worst. Terry says, do I recommend Al Anon for family and friends? Tara, I do think Al Anon can be a great support. I think there are tons of supports out there. Any support that works for you. I'm a fan of Al Anon is a great one. There are other ones. In fact, we are opening up our recovery community groups coming in March. So I will leave you guys the link in description to get notified when those groups open, if you're interested. Rainbow Zebra says, when the addict alcohol is in recovery, how long does it take to break out of the delusions? If they are actively working with a therapist attending AA and a graduate of iop. I don't know if I can tell you an exact timeline. I can tell you that even when the addiction goes away, it takes longer for the delusions to go away. Because these are things that we. That the person's been telling themselves for years and years and years. And what ends up happening is it's almost like your ego has to get strong enough to admit how wrong you were. So probably the delusions go away before the person will admit it. So even if they're still not admitting it, it doesn't mean that they don't know it. You, you, you have to get solid enough and have enough self confidence to be able to admit how far off base you were. So it does take a while. You do have to get on the other side of it. So I would say months if I had. If you're pushing me to give you a timeline, I would say definitely some months. And it's not like they're all there and all gone. They kind of come off in layers. Rebecca says there's an addict in my life that has traumatized me with their spitefulness. It's a real childish way to go about things. Totally agree. Yes. They can get so resentful towards you. They are purposely trying to hurt you back. And there are certain kinds of behaviors, manipulations. There are certain really out of bound things that you really shouldn't deal with. Rick. And I don't know exactly what that looks like for you, but make sure you're not getting any of those sort of. There's some lines in the sands I recommend that you do not let anyone cross. Hey, tell your story. Glad you're here. Hey Stephen. Glad you're here. Facebook user says. Sorry I missed the first part today. I love your videos. Thank you. Appreciate you watching you make things hopeful. I've been trying to figure out how to get resources for my son who lives in another state. I'm not pushing anything. Just when he's ready. Smart, smart, smart. You want to have some options lined up because if the person has an addiction says okay, I'm willing to do something. You want to have some different options ready to go. So very smart. If you say what state you live in, if you want to put that other people in the chat or comments might be able to give you some resources depending on the state. One of the things I'm not the best at, be super honest with you, is knowing all the resources all over. I know the ones that are kind of like around where I live, but I'm not very great at knowing them all over the country and all over the world. But. But somebody watching will. So drop your state or your location. Ish. Not exactly your address but like your general location in the chat. And I bet other people give you some good options. Hey Larry. He's in Iowa. Okay, so anybody watching who knows some good resources in Iowa, you guys drop them in the chat or Comments for our listener who's looking for some resources for their son. And make sure you guys let us know whether that's like a counselor or like an inpatient treatment center or an iop. I think it's great to have. Have different kinds of options available. Barbie says, I collected. I collected three rehab slash free living options and then gave my son an ultimatum to give me all his drug paraphernalia and do more. No more drugs in my home or move out into one of these. He was hurt, upset, and angry all at the same time. He said he'd hide them better when I stood my ground. He said, he's moving, he's washing his clothes and packing them to leave. My heart is so broken, but I feel guilty that a part of me is relieved. Why am I having doubts? Maybe he's flaunting the move to make and then it cuts off. I think what you might be trying to say there is maybe he's flaunting the move to make you feel bad, or maybe he's even bluffing or something. It's always dangerous when you give an addict an ultimatum most of the time. We think when we give them an ultimatum that they're going to know we mean business and they're going to make a smart choice. But when you're dealing with an addiction, that rarely happens. And maybe you gave them the ultimatum, Barbie, because you were trying to get him to think clearly and you wanted to make the right choice. Or maybe you gave him the ultimatum because you knew he wouldn't make the right choice and you needed him to leave and you needed him to own the fact of why he left. And if he did it for that reason, I totally get it. Totally okay with it. Robin says, my addict, alcohol loved one thinks he'll be miserable without something to alter his reality. So he can't bring himself to take steps to stop, though he knows he should. I think that's a very, very, very common fear. In fact, I think anyone who's addicted has that fear. And I think it's impressive that he's verbalizing that out loud. It's probably hard when you hear that, Robin, not to argue with it or confront it. What I can tell you is that when most people are, when you're stuck in active addiction and you have periods of sobriety, short periods, those periods of sobriety are pretty freaking miserable because you don't have the ability to experience joy and happiness without your substance. But that comes back. But it's really hard for people in the middle of it to See, because every time they're sober, they're miserable. So they think, I don't even know if I want to live life, if this is what life is like. But what they're thinking of isn't really sobriety. What they're thinking of is withdrawal. So you got to get someone past that point. So I'm always honest people. I'm always like, yeah, life's probably going to suck a little worse for a little while, and then it's going to get way better. And if you talk to anyone who's been sober more than a month or two, they'll tell you how differently they feel, how they think different and feel different. And you, believe it or not, get the ability back to experience joy and happiness and regular life stuff. And that is a miracle. Hi, Sarah Sue. Thank you for the Iowa recommendation. Romy girl says, my alcoholic husband says life is boring without drinking. Like, he won't be cool or like it's part of an identity. So there's two pieces of that. Romy Girl. There's probably some truth in that. Life will not be fun without the drinking for a while until the brain resets, but it will reset. The first couple of weeks are the worst, and then it starts to get a little better each day from there. So part of it is that there's a fear of, like, will I ever be able to relax again? Will I ever have any fun? Or will life just be boring, like chores and tasks all the time? That's a real concern. And then there's the other piece of the concern that I'm hearing in that statement, which is, what will people think of me if I'm sober? And I've said this on other videos, but I promise you, people talk about the stigma of addiction. I don't even believe in that anymore. Being in recovery is, like, cool these days. Okay, I'm sure there's still some stigma of addiction. But the thing that people fear more than the stigma of addiction is the stigma of being sober. Right? And that's what I hear in that statement, is like, this is part of my identity. You know, like, probably I've said or, you know, act in ways. I've said things about people who don't drink. And it'd be totally weird. I'd be a hypocrite if I turn into one of those people. And that's a. But that's a concern. But it's a concern that people get past. And it is pretty irrational, Right? Roman says he suffers from depression and anxiety, too. It's a way of coping and relaxing. Romeo, you may have heard me say this before, but drinking is not a good way to deal with anxiety or depression. It will only ever make your anxiety and depression worse. And a lot of what he needs to drink for is managing the depression and anxiety that's coming from the drinking. It's a never ending cycle that just feeds itself. It's a bad feedback loop. All right, everybody, if you need more resources, they are in the description. And up next, I have for you those videos about the science part, the brain part of addiction and of recovery. And that will even help shed more light on what we talked about today. I'll see you next time.