Is It Possible To Beat Addiction Without Getting Help?

Believe it or not, statistics show that most people are actually able to beat their addictions without ever having to get help or go to treatment. I guess I would say a lot of you may find that surprising, But a lot of people who have addictions maybe don't even rise to the level of maybe needing detox or something like that. So some of the reason why a lot of people are able to beat their addictions is because they're intervening in their addictions before it gets to a super bad level. I do think that there's a point that you can get to that probably you are going to need treatment. But if you intervene, you sort of gain some insight and some willingness and some readiness to conquer your addiction. Before you get to that point, then chances are you're not going to have to go to 30, 60, 90 days of treatment, six months, one year, because nobody really wants to do that. People are very reluctant to getting help for addiction. And there's some really valid reasons why that is. I want to talk to you about why people are reluctant to get help, get treatment. And I also want to talk to you about how to figure out, am I in the category of I can do it myself, or I need to get some help? And I also want to talk to you about sort of the pros and cons of all that. So we have a lot to cover in today's video. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Amber Hollingsworth. I'm a master addiction counselor. And I've been doing this work for more than 20 years now. And from the very beginning of my career, counseling career, I like to call it. When I was a baby counselor, I have been working with people who didn't want to be working with me. So I've had to develop, number one, some really good self esteem. It doesn't hurt my feelings when people come to see me and they don't want to come see me. In fact, I kind of like it these days because it's like, challenge, you know, it's kind of like, I'm gonna. I'm gonna win you over, you know, because over the years, I've had to get pretty good at getting people to engage and even enjoy. I know you're shocked. You probably don't believe me. But I'm serious. The process of figuring out how to conquer their addictions, and it is possible to do that. And most people come in the gate very, very reluctant. Let's talk about some of those reasons why they might be reluctant. Probably one of the biggest reasons people are reluctant to getting help for their addiction is because they feel like they're going to be forced to do things they don't want to do. And that doesn't necessarily mean that they don't want to conquer their addiction. It could mean, you know, that they're going to be forced to attend a program for X amount of long time. They're going to be forced to talk in front of people, they're going to be forced to go to meetings. You know, they're going to be forced to work a particular program, a particular way. They're going to be forced certain religious beliefs. And they just don't like the idea of having some sort of standardized, I call it almost like the factory, the recovery factory kind of program forced onto them. And I'm going to be really honest with you, that is how most like treatment centers work. Now, I've worked in treatment centers and I can tell you that all of them say we do individualized treatment plans because that's what insurance requires you to say. And you have to write up these plans. But they're pretty cookie cutter. Okay. There may be a little individual difference. Like especially if maybe you're seeing the doctor, maybe your medicines are different than someone else's, but as far as the groups you go to, as far as the amount of therapy you get, as far as the classes you take, it's the same. So don't, don't be fooled. Most programs, they're, they're programs. And it's not that they're bad. I mean, you kind of have to have some system for bringing people through in an effective, efficient way that you can bring, you know, multiple people through at one time. You know, it, there's some of the, it's not that they're bad, it's not that they're evil, but there's some systems issues there. So I feel like that keeps a lot of people out of going. And if they've had that experience before, it's even more so because they're going to be thinking, I've tried that this would happen and it didn't work. I hated it. You know, I left early. All these things in there, they're so frustrated by it that they don't want to give it another try when they have that really bad experience. Which is honestly probably the first lesson that I learned as a baby counselor. That's probably still the most important lesson that I stay mindful of. And that is my number one goal when I'm helping somebody is not to make sure that they get sober and never do whatever they're going to do again. That's not my goal. My main goal is to make sure that the person has a good experience to the best of my ability. Because if, for whatever reason, they have struggles later on in their journey, they're not going to be as afraid to either come back to see me, but it doesn't have to be me but anyone to get any kind of help anywhere. I want them to have a good experience. And when you make that your priority, you actually increase the chances that someone is actually going to be able to get sober and stay sober. What happens in treatment centers is the same thing that happens in families that we talk about all the time. And it's this. This pressure, this pushing people to take steps that they're not ready to take yet. And yeah, there's a little bit of push. I think that's necessary sometimes. But even addiction professionals like doctors and counselors, you know, we're people, too, and our ego is tied up. And whether or not our clients get better. And when we get our ego tied into it, we make mistakes by pushing too hard, by trying to force, because subconsciously, maybe consciously, but somewhere down in there, we think that if someone doesn't get sober, it's a reflection of us. Right? But there's so many factors that go into it. The biggest factor is probably timing. That's huge. And so when you let your. When. When, like addiction professionals let their ego get involved, they push too hard. They force people into these programs, they push faster than a person can go, and it just blows up on their face. The person doesn't have a good experience. And not only does that program or recovery attempt not work, but the person is try anything else going forward. And that's super unfortunate. Another big reason why you hear people talk about not wanting to get help for addiction is they say things like, I don't believe in it. Raise your hand if you've either said that or heard that before. I don't believe in. I believe in that counseling. What? How's talking to people about your problems gonna help? How's listening to other people's problems? Gonn and I could see why that might be a question or a concern. Right. But here's the thing. Maybe you think in your mind you don't believe in counseling or whatever, but almost everyone has had the experience of talking through something with a friend or a family member. And when you have that good sounding board in your life, you figure things out so much better. It's why so often when we're struggling with something, we go to a friend, we lay it out, and it's not even so much all the time what the friend says or the family member says. It's the fact that we have that sounding board to think things through that is all counseling and coaching is. It is literally just a sounding board. Okay? And when you think of it like that, it's going to be hard to convince yourself, like, I don't believe in that. Because almost all of us have had that experience that where we're just talking about something and suddenly dots connect and we figure something out. We have that, like, light bulb moment, and then things come into perspective for us and we're able to make some decisions and move forward. So a lot of times people just say, I don't believe in it. Because sometimes people think, like, going to counseling or something like that means you're crazy. That's actually super far from the truth. Because if you're really crazy, you cannot benefit from counseling. You got to be pretty with it and pretty smart to be able to benefit from counseling, because it requires you, first of all, it requires you to show up, like, consistently. So you gotta have some manageability in your life. You gotta be able to lay things out and some kind of order that makes sense. And you got to be able to think critically and develop insight and change behaviors. And crazy people can't do that. Okay? So there may be crazy people out there that have counselors, but they're not getting counseled. They're maybe getting social work or something like that, but they're not doing counseling. So if you have that thought, I really want you to put that aside. That's not true. And if. If that doesn't help you, then I'm gonna tell you what I tell my clients. Everyone who's anyone has a counselor or a coach these days. It's status. It's like having a personal trainer. All the desperate housewives, all the rock stars, all the movie stars, you know, everybody has their sounding board. So maybe old school, it might have been uncomfortable or awkward to say you have a counselor or a life coach or something like that, but not anymore. It's almost like, yeah, I talked to my counselor about it. I mean, you just hear it in, like, conversations. Campbell, one of our family counselors, she had this. She's had this experience, I think more than once, but she used to see quite a few young people, especially, like, young girls or whatever. And these young girls would literally be in her office, like, posting on their social media. Look, I'm in my counselor's office. Look, it's cute in here. Or like, maybe they see her at the Target or something. They run out and they're like, that's my counselor. And it's like they're just announcing it, right? And not. Not just young people, but in general, the idea of talking to someone, that stigma really isn't. It really isn't there. Like, it, like it used to be a third reason why I think people really are reluctant to getting help. And I want to emphasize that all these reasons are kind of valid, right? Maybe other than I don't believe in it. That was a little. But not much. The rest of these are pretty valid, but they're afraid of criticism and they feel embarrassed and they feel humiliated. And even people that do choose to get help oftentimes don't really open up and really lay it on the table because they're holding cards back, because they are afraid of this criticism and judgment. Some of the fear is about criticism and judgment from the treatment professionals, right? Like the doctor, the counselor, the coach, whoever, the nurse. And then some of it is actually they're worried about criticism and judgment from other people in their lives. Like they're drinking buddies, like their family members, you know, and it's just. It's just really uncomfortable for people to get a hold of. And they're. They're worried about that. And the thing of it is, is this is like, I'm not going to sit here and tell you you're not going to get any criticism and judgment at all, because you probably are going to get some. But you got to think to yourself, if you're struggling with this, I want you to really think to yourself, like, am I going to let that impede, like, what is best for me in the rest of my life? You gotta, you gotta. I get that that's a thing, but you gotta kind of measure that against, you know, what's gonna happen if you don't conquer this problem. If you're worried about what, like a counselor or an addiction professional is going to think, I'm not going to tell you. It's not possible that you're not going to get a judgment, because that's possible. But I've been doing this a long time, and what I tell my clients, I'm like, dude, if you could tell me something that would shock me and make me have a judgment, I'm going to be kind of happy and impressed because I'd be like, oh, I got something new today, right? So I'm like, I've heard it, right? Like, it takes a lot to even get on the radar with me of, like, oh, my gosh. Like, it would take a lot for me to get there because this is what we do all the time. It's like, it's like, if you're going to the surgeon and you're embarrassed that the surgeon might say your blood, right? Like, that's what they do. They see blood. Like, they don't even think about it, right? Like, I'm telling you, I've been in this so long, you can hand me a cup of pee. I don't even put a glove on. I know that's here, but I'm just like, drug test. I've heard it all. You're not. You're pro. You're very unlikely to really shock this person that you're talking to if they've been doing this for more than five minutes with whatever you're about to say. Okay? Now, another reason, let's move on, that people are reluctant to getting out is that they're afraid and they're worried that their opinions about what they need and what the process should entail and what their treatment program should look like won't be taken into account. And this one might be the most valid of all the ones I'm going to say, because like I said a little bit earlier, traditionally, recovery programs are systematic in a lot of ways. You know, even if you're doing the 12 steps, there's a 12 steps. You get a sponsor, you go to a meeting every day, you do the steps. You do it this way. Like, you do it the way that person sponsored it with them. Like, and that's not even treatment. So when you get into a treatment program, a lot of times, oftentimes people's opinions about what they need really isn't taken into account. Like, I'm just going to be super honest with you. And not only, not only is your opinion not taken into account, but if you have any opinion that's different than the professional, the program or whatever, then you're going to get judged as, oh, you don't really want recovery. You're. You're not even motivated. You don't even care. Like, you're. You may get a judgment like that. And that happens, like, on the regular. Okay, so there is some truth in that. That, that can happen to people, is that their opinions about how to go about it, what they need, are not going to be taken into account. Now, is this kind of hard? Because as an. As a person who's like, Been doing this for a long time. It is hard because I can, I can literally tell you word for word, chapter by chapter, what someone is going to tell me and how they're going to want to do it and how that's not going to work. And so it's really hard to sometimes be flexible with stuff like that because a lot of times you have been doing this forever and you do know what works and what doesn't work. And it's frustrating because people want to find, and this is specific to addiction, people want to find loopholes or ways around certain things. And there has to be certain things in place to get recovery. And it really, certain things do need to happen in a certain way to make it work. But the thing of it is, this is even if you know whatever someone's going to do isn't going to work, there is a need sometimes to let people go through that process. And that's where this whole opinions thing and, and some people's opinions are pretty valid. I mean, most of the ones that aren't, that don't usually work out are things like, I'm gonna quit cocaine and keep drinking. Like, I'm just gonna tell you right now, if you're watching and you're thinking that, and I know a lot of you are, it's not gonna work. It's just not gonna work like telling you. But if you came to see me about it, I would say, I don't think that's gonna work, but we can try it. I'm not gonna force you to do it any kind of certain way. But that's not going to work other ways. People's opinions absolutely need to be taken into consideration. Like when people say I, I don't do good in groups or I don't do good in close up meetings because there's religion or I'm opposed to taking a medicine or whatever. Like there, there's people know themselves, okay? And so a lot of that we, we have to be careful not to just immediately dismiss someone's ideas about their own health care honestly. Like, but we're quick to do that because when you have an addiction, it's like you're immediately discredited for having any insight, any knowledge. Everything you say is manipulation. This is what a lot of other people think. And that's why people are so reluctant to getting help. Because they know intuitively, maybe they've experienced it, but even if they don't, they kind of know that they're going to run into some of these obstacles. There's the Obvious one where people don't want to get help, and that's because they don't really want to address the problem. I'm not going to spend that much time on that because that one's kind of obvious. Right. That's a thing too. Another reason why that people resist is because it costs money. A lot of treatment costs money. Now there are a lot of treatment options that you can get that cost less. There are treatment options that you can get that don't cost anything. But there are pros and cons to all of those things. Right. I have a treatment options guide that you can download for free. I wrote it a while back, but it sort of talks about all the different kinds of treatment levels of care, what it costs, what insurance pays for, what's free, what to expect, all that kind of stuff. So if you want to kind of get your head wrapped around all that, I, I didn't put in the description, but I will come back when I finish this video and put it in the description for you. So you guys can download that, that guide to get your, to just get some insight on what you can do. So money is a big reason why people don't want to do it. And a lot of times people have to do it more than once and it can get expensive. So it's easy to say, well, your recovery should matter more than anything else. But like, there's some logistical like realness and, and how much something costs. Like, we do a lot with parents who have young adults or even teenagers who need to get help, and we're like, look, don't go mortgage your house, don't refinance your house to send your kid to this treatment, especially if it's the first treatment, because the chances are they're gonna need another round, right? So you gotta, you do gotta think critically and strategically. And I'm not saying like you shouldn't spend money on it. I mean, a lot of times what you pay for is what you get. I mean, so you just gotta, you gotta find that balance. And when people express concern about that, I think it's important not to just immediately dismiss that. Another reason why people are reluctant to get help is because they're worried about taking time off of work. Especially if we're talking about going to some kind of like inpatient treatment or intensive outpatient program. They're, they're worried they might lose their job. They're worried they can't take the time off work. They're worried if they do take the time off of work, maybe they don't have any paid leave and what that's going to do to their finances. And they're worried that if they do take off and they tell HR where they are, like, is that gonna cost them their job, or is that gonna get them put in some kind of system that they can't get out of, where they're being watched like a hawk forever? So there's some legitimate concern there. Another big reason is because people. Sometimes people are afraid to talk in groups about really personal things. I mean, a lot of people are afraid to talk in groups about anything about the weather. So when you're saying to someone, like, no, he wants you to go in this group and spill your guts in front of these people that you don't really know and tell them all these things that you feel terrible about, I mean, that's. That's kind of intimidating, don't you think? I just feel like when people that have addictions, when they throw these things up, we just. We're so quick to immediately dismiss them and say, doesn't matter. It's irrelevant. Or you're not. You don't really mean it. And we want to just completely not acknowledge those roadblocks because it makes us scared that someone's not going to get better. And so we just want to push them away or invalidate what they're saying. But these are real things. These are things that happen, not just like, in a blue moon somewhere, like, maybe, like, statistically 1%. Like, these are common things. Another one is people are afraid that they're anonymity will be broken. Now, when you go to treatment, when you go to support groups, community groups, and stuff like that, they generally tell you you have anonymity, and you do, and you don't. When you go to treatment, the doctors account, the professionals are not going to give up your anonymity. But most addiction treatment is done in groups. And while people in those groups are usually educated and talked to about keeping people's anonymity, like, let's be real, everybody gets together after the meeting. They go to lunch, they have conversations, you know, and so I think people worry about that, especially people who maybe have, like, important job on the line or something like that that keeps people held back from going. And then the last reason, the last really common reason, I think I'm sure I missed some. So if I miss some, y' all put them in the chat. Okay? Because these are just the ones. I literally thought of these. They just came to me, like, right or the other. Because that's how common they are, is they feel like, well, they have this special circumstance. And sometimes the special circumstance is valid and sometimes it's not. Like, there's a tendency when you have an addiction to think, to always think your situation is different and unique and special and you shouldn't do it this part or that part or whatever part because of some uniqueness. But sometimes it is like maybe you have a medical condition. There can be sometimes some special circumstances that at least. I mean, it doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't get help or you can't get help, but at least means, like, we may have to, like, alter a plan or put some flexibility in place or think something through. Because people have special circumstances. I mean, come on. Of course they do. So these are just the super duper, like, everyday ones that I hear. And if, if you're feeling these things, I want you to know that it's valid. Okay? These are real things. If your loved one is feeling these things, I want you to know that it is valid. Right? And I don't want you to immediately dismiss someone's concerns. Now, are these concerns so big that I think if it's going to ruin your life and your family, you shouldn't do it anyway? I think you should do it anyway if that's what you need to do. But this sometimes can make people procrastinate. Things can make people really hesitant. And even for people that do end up getting help, a lot of times they don't really fully, like, let themselves be in it because these things are still present even though they've chosen to maybe get some help somewhere. Now, in the beginning of this video, I told you that statistics say most people can get sober without help. Like, they do it on their own. That is true. But there's. There's some drawbacks to doing it that way. The drawbacks to doing it that way are a couple. The most important one is if you're trying to do something that you've either never done before or you've tried several times, but you haven't had any success in, it's like, yes, you might can do it, but it's going to take you so much longer. And it's not just the time. Because when you're an active addiction and you're struggling, the amount of pain and heartache and suffering that you are, you and the people around you are going to experience during that really long time is enormous. Okay? So it's like, if I'm going to venture out and figure out how to do something new, I'm Going to, I'm going to go somewhere. Like, if I'm going to fix something in my house, I'm going to go on YouTube and figure out how to do it, right? I'm going to get some guidance. Could I work at it for months and months and figure it out? Probably, maybe. But why, why not expedite the process, right? If you really want to get this done and you really want to put it behind you and you want to be done with it, like, let's, let's shorten up some of the trial and error. Let's expedite the process. That's the first reason why I think you should consider getting some help. And I don't necessarily even mean like going to like big long term treatment at just like talk to somebody, have a consult with somebody. Like, even if it's not a professional, talk to somebody who's done it before for goodness sake, right? Like, get some advice on how to do it. Save yourself the heartache. Yes, you might can do that yourself. It's kind of like, can you, if you're super physically dependent on a substance, can you detox yourself on your own? Sure you can. But most substances you're not going to die from trying to detox yourself on. Alcohol and benzos are a little trickier. That can be life threatening. But most people who even have dependencies on those can do it without killing themselves. But if it's that bad, I'm like, okay, just because you can do it. Do you really want to do it that way? Because in my mind I'm immediately thinking like, Basketball Diaries. That probably shows you how old I am. Y' all remember Basketball Diaries with Leonardo in it from the 90s? Like it's like miserable, right? Like, okay, you can do it that way. But if you have other choices, if you can get some kind of help to help you do that, like, why not do it? Because it's going to increase the chances that you're going to stick with it, right? It's that same kind of thinking as far as should you get help or should you not get help? And getting help can look all kinds of ways. Even if it's just going on YouTube and watching videos, even if it's just reading some books, even if it's listening to some podcast, asking a friend who's done it, for goodness sake, seek some support somewhere, even if it's not like a clinical kind of support, if you're trying to figure out on your own and you're not telling anybody what you're doing and you're trying to do it in secrecy. You might eventually figure it out. But I'm telling you, it's going to take you years. I mean, years longer than it would take you if you would just take some support. If I were gonna fix something on my car, which I know nothing about, if I were gonna, like, build a house, I would seek some support. Okay. Like, be nice to yourself and at least expedite the process. Okay. How do you know when you need to do that? When you've tried it a few times on your own and it hasn't worked and you've decided that. You know what? I think I'd rather just find out exactly how to do this and do it the right way and be done with it. Right. I'm kind of like that sometimes. Like, if. Which I try not to put things together because it's not. It's not my genius. But occasionally, you know, you buy something has to be put together, and I'm definitely that person that wants to do it without looking at the instructions. How often do you think that works out? Like, never, Right. And so I try to do it without instructions, and I make a mess of it. And not only do I end up having to go back and look at the instructions, but it takes me five times as long because I have to undo what I'd undone that was wrong. Right? So it's like that. Just think of it that way. Just think to yourself about all the heartache and pain and money and suffering and lost relationships and embarrassing moments that you're going to save yourself if you can figure this out faster. And I think it might feel a little easier to take that step to get some help. In just a minute, we're going to be taking some comments and questions from our audience who is here with us live. Thank you guys for showing up. You guys are awesome. It's awkward when I have to talk to myself, so I love seeing you guys out there. And I feel like even though I can't see you, I see your, like, profiles popping up on the chat, and I feel like. I feel like we're in this together, so it makes it easier. Thank you for showing up. If you're watching the playback. Hey, welcome. We're glad you're here, too. If you want to join us live sometime, we're live on Thursdays at one Eastern time, and we would love for you to be here live, too. And as always, there are more resources and links in the description. I'm going to remind myself to come back and give you guys that treatment options guide link. But there's all kinds of links. We just created a new self assessment quiz for that people can take to gauge whether or not they have an addiction. But, but, but how severe it is. It's, it's. You do it yourself. You get your own results. You. If you don't want to talk to somebody and you want to get, you want to figure out what's going on, just go over there and take that. It's totally free. Like, you could do it honestly if you want to, like, just do it. Like, and then at least you know what you're dealing with and how severe. But in order to make that work, you got to be honest with yourself. You got to answer the questions honestly. If you really want to know, you're the one that's going to see the results. So be honest when you do it. So that's in there. You get a whole like written report that can be emailed to you if you want to email to you. If not, you can just see your result. All this stuff is there recovery coaching. If you want that. You can learn more about that. Although I think we are pretty short on spots for September. Is that right, Bri? We don't have much if any spots, but if you're interested in that, there is link to that. You can learn more and apply. Let's get to some questions. Brie, what we got? Oh, hey, Anthony, thank you for the super chat. I gotta put my glasses on. Thank you for the nice compliments. You know my. This is funny, Anthony, but this was like a few weeks ago my husband came home and he. I guess it was a Thursday and he had watched one of my live chats. He's like, you know who haven't seen on your lives in a while? You know that Anthony guy used to always be on there. Where is he at? I was like, I know. So my husband noticed. Like, he's like, where's Anthony? So just so you know, like, you're in our community. We, we miss you when you're not here. Even my husband noticed. I thought that was kind of funny. He's like that Anthony guy. He's just been watching you forever. Where's he been at? So I'm glad to see you back. Tara says, hi, Amber. Do you have any tips for dealing with the yo yo back and forth of relapse and getting clean while my husband is trying to DIY recovery? It's hard to hide my disappointment. Thank you. Yeah, it is. It is hard because it's like exhausting right because every time they slide back, it's not just pain for them, it's pain for you. So I totally get that. Right. Like, it's not just affecting them. Even if it was just affecting them, it's still painful to watch your loved one hurt. But in this situation, it's. It's affecting everybody. So I get it. I would probably be trying to figure out, Tara, there's the two pieces, there's the container, emotions about it, and you, you know, to kind of keep yourself centered and, you know, self care, all that kind of stuff. But beyond that, I would be thinking maybe strategically, how can. How could I figure out how to get my loved one to get some kind of help? Read a book, for goodness sake. Do something to expedite the process. Right. Even if they get help, it doesn't mean it's immediately going to get better. But a lot of times, like I said, they can learn from people who've done it before, past mistakes. They'll figure it out faster just by talking about it. So I wouldn't just focus on, like, how do I just keep my emotions in? I would do that a little bit, but I would also focus on how do I get them to the point of being willing to maybe take some kind of step that might speed this along. KP says, question. My alcoholic spouse is resentful that he should have to go back to counseling. An argument is that he should just be able to talk to me about his issues. How do I argue with that? This is not the first time I've heard this. Kp, I don't know the answer to this, but I'm wondering. There's a million reasons why I could think of that someone might be resentful about having to go back to counseling. One of the reasons that happens is because they feel like that the family's saying, oh, you're the one with the problem. And then they're thinking, oh, you got problems too. Why am I the one that always has to go to counseling? That's one thing I hear a lot. But by reading your question, kp, I almost get the impression it's like they maybe feel embarrassed about having to go back to counseling. I get that impression because they're saying, why can't I just talk to you about the issues? I'm sure you know the answer to why they can't just talk to you about it. But in case you don't, I know you don't want that because you want. You're like, go talk to someone else, because it's going to be hard for you, to be objective. Right. If. If he is coming to you and telling you all the time, like, I'm struggling, I'm craving, I want to drink, I drink yesterday. You're going to be dysregulated, okay. And it's going to be hard for you to keep the emotional control, to be helpful. Right. And then there's the whole, like, I don't have the training on how to help you. Right. There's a million reasons why that just doesn't work. And I'm wondering if. If that's really what it is. Like he just wants to talk to you, or if there's something else going on there. If there's some other kind of roadblock. I'm wondering if it's any of these things that we just talked about. See if you can figure out what the real roadblock is. It is embarrassment. Is it money? Is it resentment that everyone says they have to go to counseling and you don't figure out what the real roadblock is. Mayra Samara Mera Mera says, how do you give credit for trying when they keep relapsing? I want to be supportive, but I can't help being upset. This is just another one of those questions where that's another reason why it's helpful for them to have another person to process it with. Because if they're struggling, their lapses don't necessarily impact their sponsor's life negatively. It doesn't impact their counselor's life negatively. So that's what creates that objectivity. If they're just coming to you and they're talking about it, it does impact you when they have those relapses. So it's really hard to be neutral about it, to be objective. And so on some level, you know, I have videos on how to respond to relapse, and. And there's some system to it. You know, there's like damage control, this and that. But if it's. If it's a relapse every month, or if it's a relapse every so many weeks or something like that, it's one thing. But if it's sort of like they're in a cycle of multiple relapses a week, I don't even know that I would call those relapses. I would just call that continued addiction. Right. So I think it depends on how frequently it's happening. Why is it happening, what's happening, that kind of thing. Lisa says my loved one questions if he is addicted to rehab because he has no responsibility. And he is intelligent and charismatic and the nurses dote on him and they literally look at me like I'm the problem. Would you suggest him to drop the helpless victimized act and seek treatment that will actually help him in the real world? This is a, this is a thing. Lisa, when I worked in treatment, we just to see this all the time because sometimes you have the opposite problem of what we're talking about today. Sometimes it's like people use treatment as a way to hide out and in a lot of ways they feel validated and taken care of. And there's peers in there that totally understand where you're coming from. And you can get into this sort of dependency, like a codependency on treatment kind of thing. It can get to an unhealthy level. Now how you deal with that might be a little complicated. When you're saying, should I just tell him to drop the victim act and get some real help? Is that what you want to do? Yes. If you told it to him that way, it's not going to help anything. He's. If you've heard any of my videos, you know that I always tell you guys like they're going to be a villain and I'm sure the villain is you. And I'm sure he goes to treatment and he talks about how you're controlling or negative or unfair or whatever it is. Right. And then so these people, because they haven't been hurt by all the things that have happened, they believe it, they buy into it. And that's why you feel that, that kind of judgment coming. Because there probably is a little bit of it. So I'm going to validate your concern just like I'd validate other people's concern. That's. That's the real thing. Tasia says, is it harmful if I do not want him to be in the house when he's used to ask him to leave if the only other option for where he stays is for free at his parents place, which he says is triggering. Makes me feel forced to keep him here because it's less triggering even though I'm approaching full zero tolerance personally. So, so basically you're saying, is it, is it fair to say you can't be here? I don't know if I can weigh in on is it fair or not, but what I can weigh in on is is it a boundary or not? And this is where it gets complicated, Tasia, because. And boundaries really can only be about you. And so I do feel like you're setting this for yourself. I do feel like it is about you because you're saying because I'm just getting to the boiling point. And so it's hard if you say you can't be here, but because that's trying to set a rule for someone else which isn't really a boundary. A boundary is about I can't be around it if. And it may come to the point where you have to decide to. If he won't leave and go somewhere else and he's insistent on comes to us, you may have to decide to get some space for yourself, for your mental health. But the way you set that boundary is you have to say I don't do good when you're in that state and I build resentments or we have arguments or whatever the pattern is that happens. And so because of that, I'm going to choose to get some distance from that question. How do I help my son with ambivalence? Carolina that is a monster giant question. We have whole playlist of videos on it, but we also have a little mini course called Motivation Masterclass which is specifically about ambivalence. It's about helping people think through what we call change talk and what we call sustain talk. It's based on a model called motivational interviewing, which is a counseling technique for working with people who have ambivalence. So you may want to, you may want to check that out. It's on our website. You can learn and there's actually, I think you can watch me do one of those kinds of sessions for free. So you can kind of see how it works, what the process is. But ambivalence is normal. So the first thing I would say is don't try to push against it too hard because it just makes the ambivalence stronger and stay longer. Indra says my AH is 65 days sober. Did an inpatient of 30 days, an intensive outpatient for 90 and then did 90 and 90. Blew up fussing PMP maybe you mean PHP. I don't know what PMP is. Maybe that's maybe a different country. And PHP is like partial hospitalization programs like day treatment. He's still sober both in early recovery and struggling with him coming home. What boundaries trust to I let him come back. I have a. That's such a big question Andrew. I have a video on the channel about specifically about what to do after treatment, like how to be supportive, boundaries, things like that. Like how do you, how do you balance that out? What's reasonable expectation, that kind of thing. So hop over to my main channel page and either look at for the playlist or you can just look for that video. I wish I could think of what it's called off the top of my head, but it's like literally something that's like what happens when they get out of treatment or something. Like it's obvious if, when you go through it, but it has been a while back so you may have to scroll away. Primordial says, how about being reluctant to get help because your enabler does not let you face full consequences. Consequences. When I read that, I don't know, like I'm just making an assumption here, but I'm like I'm thinking that you have somebody you care about who has an addiction and that that person has someone else in their life who's enabling and it's really making you upset because you're like feeling like it's their fault that they're not making progress. And there, there could be some truth to that. Like that's the real thing. What you have to do in that situation is you have to almost like back up and use all the techniques that I teach on this channel for how to like get through to the addicted person and use those same techniques onto the enabler person, get them on board and then once you have that person on board, then together as in teamwork, if at all possible, if, if it's possible to get that person on board, then you can work on helping this other person change. But just the same things I tell you about how to help someone with an addiction change, those are those things work to help anybody change, including to get an enabler to change. So use your same skills. Just start with enabler first. Glenn says, is it a very common thing for people who are addicted to drugs to bully or ghost a person who doesn't take drugs? I don't know if it's common for them to bully a person who doesn't take drugs, but, but it probably is common. I don't know if I would say ghost is common, but avoid is definitely common because people that are in especially not just does drugs but if they're an active addiction, they want to be doing what they're doing. So they're going to be around people doing what they're doing for the obvious reasons because they want to be doing the thing, but also to not feel judged. And even if you don't have a, if you're like a non user, you don't, you maybe you don't have a judgment at all. It makes people feel uncomfortable. It Makes people think that you're judging them. Like, I don't drink. And I feel that sometimes, like, it doesn't bother me at all. I don't drink. Animal addiction counselor so I could kind of get it, but people. I can feel that it makes other people nervous. I'm like, it literally does not bother me at all. And I don't have any judgment about it whatsoever. But other people think that, and so they're trying to avoid their own uncomfortableness. And so avoiding people who don't is pretty common. Robin says what is the likelihood of getting sober if required to go to treatment as a result of a dui? Currently saying he doesn't want to be forced. Can get. Getting started with treatment help him at all? Yes. The research shows that whether someone comes in sort of voluntarily or involuntarily has less to do with the outcome than the amount of time they end up staying in the process. A lot of times you have to get people clean for their brain to kick in, for it to realize and decide that they want to get clean. So I'm not. I'm not for. I'm not, like, against forced treatment, but it does need to be fairly intense. Like, it needs to be either, like, an inpatient or probably like, intensive outpatient or something. If it's just like, force and it's like you see somebody once a week for an hour or once every other week for an hour. Unless that person is just really good at engaging people with substance use problems, it may not be enough to get them to actually get sober so their brain can clear. So that might not work. But. But I've seen a lot of people who had a good treatment because they got a legal charge or because in any kind of reason. Right. Because DSS was involved or something, and they still have a good chance of getting sober. Ivan and Lydia says, how can we help loved ones get over the negative stigma of being in treatment? Would like for him to be more open with others so it's easier to navigate conversations rather than keeping secrets. The way that I. I do, that is I am just super casual in my conversations, and I don't make a huge big deal about things. So if someone ever does give me a little piece of something that was maybe hard to say, I don't freak out. I don't, like, dig further into it than they want to dig. I just sort of train them that it's not going to be uncomfortable. I'm not going to push you anywhere you don't want to go. It's not going to be weird. So it can kind of start with you. And then other than that, they're going to have to put their toe in the water somewhere and have a good experience. So if you do get them to do something, try really hard, especially if it's their first experience, to make sure they have a decent experience with it, because then they'll be less afraid. They'll be more open. All right, guys, we are near the end of our time. Thank you guys for showing up. You guys had awesome, awesome questions. Don't forget, there are more resources in the description. And I will see you guys next Thursday at 1. Bye, everybody.