Is It True That You Should NEVER Trust An Addict?

How to tell if your addicted loved one is really, truly sorry for what they've done and they genuinely want to change. That's a question we got recently from one of our viewers named Darren. Hey, thanks, Darren. Great question. And after I read it, I thought, oh, I bet a lot of people actually want to know the answer to this one. So I decided to make a whole video about it. So if that's a question you've been struggling with, this video is for you. If you're new here, welcome to Put the shovel down. I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and this YouTube channel is dedicated to helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you can get your life and your loved ones back on track and get back to living the life that you want to live. You see, our goal here is to shed a constant light on addiction so that you always know what's going on. Because addiction only lives in secrecy and darkness. Once you shine the light on it, it just can't survive. And today, we're going to shine a very bright light on the topic of how to know if your addicted loved one is really, truly sorry. When I read this question, I actually had, like, my immediate first reflexive thought. And then right after that, I had a, yeah, but wait, what about this thought? And then eventually I even had one more thought. So I'm going to share those three important thoughts with you. And the last one may appear like it contradicts the first two, but it's really important for you to understand this particular dynamic when it comes to dealing with an addicted loved one. Okay, so if you're dealing with addiction in your family or in your friends, then you've probably had your loved one apologize more than once, more than twice, probably more than 10 times. And by now, you've heard it so many times, it's just words to you, and it probably doesn't mean much. In fact, sometimes if your loved one is apologizing to you, it might even make you. You angry because you've heard it so many times, and it feels like, why are you lying to me again? And it's just insulting and infuriating. Now, the first clue is this. Here's what I want you to ask yourself. First thing is, I want you to ask yourself, what is the context in which they expressed this remorse or they gave you the apology? Did they do this because they just got busted and the heat's on them? Did they do this because they were trying to get you to do something for you? Is it a manipulation? What's the situation surrounding said apology, that is very important. Are they just giving you this apology to get some kind of short term gain? If that's the case, probably not very sincere. But you know what? I bet you already had that one figured out before you even watch this video. So let's move on to number two. I say this all the time. Believe behavior, not words. And so what I mean by that is watch what people do way more than you listen to what people say. The actual words that someone is saying to you is probably the least most important piece of communication that you're getting from your addicted loved one. Does their behavior show that they really do get it, that they really are trying to change? You know, are they apologizing to you and they're saying the right words, but their body language is screaming something else? Is their body language screaming, I hate you. You're ridiculous. I don't mean anything. I'm saying believe the body language more than you believe the words. And especially believe the behaviors. Behaviors tell the truth. Now here we are, we're going to move on to that third one I told you about. And I said that it might kind of contradict the first two. I hate to say it, but addiction just doesn't play by the normal universal laws, which is why it's so hard to deal with. Because you can't motivate an addicted person by anything that would motivate a regular person. It just has a whole different set of rules. And so just like with everything else in addiction, this issue of did they really mean it applies here. Sometimes when people with substance use disorders apologize, they really do mean it. But they may continue to do the same behavior again. And you may think to yourself, wow, like, they really don't get it. They really didn't mean it whatsoever. And a lot of times, even the person with the addiction will behind after the fact go back and try to think to themselves, I must have not meant it. But I've been dealing with people with substance use disorders for so long. And I know, like, even after they've done something like that, they'll come into my office and express regret to me about it. And there's no secondary gain to be gotten from that. So I know that they usually do mean it. But here's the key. If they don't make some major changes going to happen again, Whether or not they meant that apology sincerely. So when I say things like let their behavior tell you the truth, that doesn't necessarily mean that they won't ever use again, that they won't ever do something wrong again. But does their behavior show that they're trying to do something different, that they're willing to take steps toward recovery? Those are the things that you really want to look for. If you just hear a plain old like, I'm sorry, I'll do better, I didn't mean to. It was only because of this one situation. Oh, wait, I should have said that. That's like a fourth one. If somebody puts a qualifier on their apology like it only happened because of this, that's an indicator that they're. They may be saying they're sorry, but they feel kind of justified because of the situation. So I should have said four. Let's put that one on the list. So it's okay to believe your loved one when they say they're sorry because more than most likely, they really are sorry. What you're looking for, though, is what are they gonna do about it? Are they going to take some steps? Because I promise you, just saying it and then saying, I'll do better but not changing anything, 100% not gonna work. So whether or not they meant it really isn't even important in this situation. It's, are they willing to do something about it? Hey, even if they said they're sorry and they didn't mean it, but they're willing to make some changes to do something about it, that is steps in the right direction. So if you're really struggling with this question, probably what you're struggling with is being able to tell whether or not your addicted loved one is telling you a lie in general, which is why I put this video right up here next, because it's on that exact topic.