"Is this what my loved one needs? 😟💭" How To Support A Recovering Addict

If you have a loved one in early recovery, or a loved one that you hope will soon be in early recovery, you don't want to miss this video because we're going to go in depth into multiple categories of how to support someone in early recovery, all the do's and all the don'ts. And I'll go ahead and warn you now that some of the things I'm going to tell you might be a little controversial. In fact, you may have had other addiction counselors tell you differently in the past. So, as always, use your best judgment. Think about the specifics of your situation. But this is going to be my advice. Now, if you're new here and you don't know who I am, welcome to our little community. You are watching Put the shovel down. And my name is Amber Hollingsworth. I've been helping people conquer addictions for more than 20 years now. And this YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction. So you can stay five steps ahead of it. Whether you're trying to find recovery for yourself or for a loved one, you are in the right place. This channel goes way deeper than just telling you stories. We'll give you the actual nuts and bolts of how to get the job done. If you're not subscribed, I encourage you to go ahead and do so and hit that little bell so you get notified anytime we release new videos. Alright, back to our topic. Now, the first thing I want you to know about supporting someone in early recovery, listen up, because this is an important one. Try your best to treat them normal. One of the worst things you can do is be all awkward and weird around them. I know it's a little uncomfortable and you maybe you're not sure about what's okay and what's not okay, whether you should ask or not ask. Don't worry, we're going to cover some of that. But just don't treat them like an alien. And definitely, definitely don't treat them like a baby. Because that kind of awkwardness and uncomfortableness is as big a trigger as anything else. So just be cool, be regular, be normal. Let's go in a little bit deeper into expectations versus reality. When it comes to people in early recovery, you might be thinking that when someone decides they're going to get clean and sober, it's like this light bulb moment and there's this complete shift. And whereas before maybe they were in denial and now they're 100% in and they're willing and they're motivated. If you're thinking that you got the wrong idea. It's more of a gradual process, and that process continues to happen even after someone gets sober. Typically, what I see is that they get more and more committed and motivated the longer they're sober. But when you're dealing with someone in really early recovery, like those first few weeks and months, don't be surprised if you get some ambivalence, meaning they have mixed feelings about it. That's okay, and that's normal. And I don't want you. You to let it freak you out. And if your loved one brings this up to you and they're expressing ambivalence, what I want you to say to them is exactly what I said to you. I want you to say, it's okay, it's normal, and I don't want you to freak out about it. You're doing fantastic. Some things that kind of come along with that, though people are still kind of moody in those first few weeks. You got to remember their brain chemicals are still normalizing back out, so they're kind of moody. So don't expect them to be wonderful, gracious sunshines, willing, motivated, doing recovery, making amends to you, all that stuff. It's going to slowly come back little by little by little. One of the hardest things for families is we've been waiting for a long time for them to decide to, you know, get on this side of the track. And while we've been waiting, we've been probably handling a lot of their responsibilities, dealing with a lot of junk. And this has probably been going on for years by the time someone gets in. Into early recovery. So I get it. You're exhausted, you're worn out, and you're ready to have some help, and you're especially ready for your loved one to step up. Right? Totally valid. I hear you. I get you. But I want you to be very careful about how you go about doing this, especially when it comes to things like adding responsibilities in. I know you might be freaking out. You might be like, Amber, I've been covering their responsibilities for years now. When are they going to pick it up and handle it for themselves? Well, the good news is, is we are on the process of getting there. Finally, we're in early recovery. We're gonna get there. People are using up all of their willpower in early recovery in order to stay sober. It takes a lot of their emotional energy and internal resources to get that done. They don't have a lot left over for starting new projects, for going on a crazy diet, for starting to Exercise, for being really nice to everyone, for jumping in and taking care of all the housework when they're not used to doing that. So if it's something new you're trying to introduce in, just realize, especially in those first few weeks, that the person needs to use all of their willpower towards just being sober. I'm not trying to let them off the hook. I'm trying to help you see a reality of expectations so that your loved one can start picking up those responsibilities. Now, if it's something that they're used to doing, they've been doing all along, they're going to be fine to do that, because they probably got it sort of put on autopilot, just like you do with the things that you do every day. I'm talking about adding new things into their plate. Like, for example, a lot of times, if your loved one maybe is your child, and by child, I mean your, like, adult child. And one of the things you've been wanting is for them to get a job and pay a bill. I hear you. And they definitely do need to. Campbell, one of our family recovery experts, she is the master at helping you plan this. How do I get them from addiction to adulting? She's really good at that. But this whole get a job thing, I get where you're coming from with that. And overall, I think it is helpful for people to have a job in early recovery because it keeps you busy and occupied and keeps your mind on something else. But if you're trying to get a new job in early recovery, it can be a little bit trickier for a couple of reasons. One is because you're probably also doing a lot of other recovery activities, like maybe you're in an intensive outpatient program, or you've got counseling appointments, or maybe you're going to meetings, or you've got psychiatrist appointments, something like that. And it's kind of hard when you're brand new in a job to say, hey, I can't come on Wednesdays at this time, or I can't do this, or I can't do that. And secondly, it takes a lot of emotional energy to be the new person. You're learning your job, even if it's a type of job you've done before, you've never done it for this place before. So, you know, you got that awkward new person thing. You're trying to get to know people, you're trying to figure out your responsibilities, and it just takes a lot of emotional energy. And like I said, in those first few weeks, I Want all. I want pretty much all that energy to go into sobriety. Now, after you get past those first few weeks, I think it is a good time to add in something like a job if the person hasn't been working the way I like to think about responsibilities. It's like pretend your loved one is learning to juggle. Sobriety is the first ball you're going to throw them that and you are going to let them juggle that one ball until they can literally do it with their eyes closed and. And they got it. Then I want you to throw in something else and then they're gonna juggle those two balls and then I want you to throw in one more thing and then they're gonna juggle those two balls. I mean those three balls. Excuse me? Three balls. That's what we're up to, right? You get where I'm coming from. You just add in one at a time, not everything all at once because otherwise they're gonna drop all the balls and no one's going to be happy. I know you've waited a long time. You're so close. Don't try not to overwhelm them right out the gate. And unfortunately the reality of it is there may be some backslides that happen. Hopefully if we have some relapses, they're quick, they're fast and they're over with. And I'll call them like a blip or like a lapse. And I try not to even use the word relapse because it can make the person feel completely hopeless and then they just want to give up. So I've got some videos on this channel which are all about how to damage control a situation, how to handle it. If you're looking for relapses, definitely you should watch that video because that could be a whole series of videos in and of itself. I'm just putting it in here just to let you know it could happen. It doesn't have to mean it's the end of the world. Don't freak out and go watch those other videos when you get a chance. If you're worried about relapse, alright, let's talk a little bit further about expectations versus reality. Now you're probably going to be feeling really hyper vigilant about the whole situation because you've been walking on eggshells all along and now you're really walking on eggshells. You're afraid to get your hopes up, you're afraid that you're gon get. You're going to get duped. Or they're going to be lying to you, or they're going to be sneaking something, or they're relapsing and you don't know it. And what I would tell you about that is, this is going to sound bad. That's why I'm pausing, right? You know when you're about to say something and you're like, yeah, this isn't going to sound good. This is it. What I'm going to say is, don't worry about it. I don't mean that in a calloused way. The reason I'm saying that to you is because addiction always shows itself. You don't have to look for it. You don't have to find it. You don't have to investigate it. It will manifest itself. Because the thing that comes along with addiction is unmanageability. And you're gonna see the signs come back. And it'll be more than one sign. It'll be a lot of signs. And you might be thinking to yourself, oh, yeah, Amber, but this went on for years, and I didn't even know it was happening. Yeah, but now you know that it was happening. So you are so hyper aware of it, you're gonna be cued into those signs. Even though I'm telling you not to be hyper vigilant, you're not gonna be able to help it. So you're not gonna miss the signs. So take the pressure off of yourself. Plus, if you're all, like, investigating everything, what are you going to do when you find it? Right? You're going to start an argument. No, just let it show itself. I know that's easier said than done, but you're not going to do yourself any good stressing yourself out, worrying about their lying. If they really mean it, it's going to. It's all going to come out in the wash, I promise. Back when I used to run intensive outpatient program, I used to give people drug screens. I mean, because you always do that in intensive outpatient program. And I just never really overly worried about someone cheating a drug screen. You know why? Because it was going to show itself. If they. Even if they did cheat one drug screen, because there's so many things you can do. Obviously they're not going to be able to cheat drug screens consistently because that's the nature of the unmanageability that comes along with addiction. It's like, okay, somebody might get by with one, but I'm testing people, like, at least once a week, sometimes more than that. And they're not going to Be able to control consistently do what they need to do to pass that drug screen. Even if it's like get fake urine or take detox drinks or whatever it is that they're doing. You just can't manage addiction and do all that stuff and come to your groups and do everything else like it's gonna show. Plus, there's just gonna be a lot of other signs. In fact, when I used to run iop, I would probably trust my gut over that drug screen anyway, because there are a lot of things that you can do to cheat a drug screen, at least the kind I was using back then, like urine drug screens. And so even if someone passed a screen and there was a lot of signs that maybe something else was going wrong, I'd probably trust my own gut about that because like I said, it just shows itself. You will see it. Now, speaking of iop, let's talk about recovery requirements. If your loved one, let's say, went to a treatment center and that's how they got sober and they're coming out, they'll probably be given an aftercare plan. And usually that's some kind of, like, lower level of care that they do for a while, and maybe even a couple of what they call sort of step downs so that the person's not going from like, lockdown, big daddy, addiction, treatment, rehab to nothing, because that doesn't work very well. So they usually give you a plan to help you step down. So if your loved one's been to treatment, that's probably already in place. If they haven't been to treatment and. Or they're questioning that stuff, step down plan that can make you feel really uncomfortable. If the person can do it, do it. But what I would tell you is if your loved one is struggling with a particular recovery activity, don't become too inflexible about that. They have to do it exactly a certain way. There are many, many, many ways to get to recovery. And everybody's different and everybody will find their path. So if they don't like 12 step, but they like something else, then be flexible with how your loved one gets there. When I work with my clients, I say anything that you're doing that's helping your recovery, that's making you be a better person, that's being responsible, that's making you feel good about yourself, I'm gonna count it. If that's going to church, if that's helping with chores around your house, if that's going to exercise, if that's eating healthy, if that's listening to motivational speakers on YouTube, whatever that is. If that's you feel like, hey, doing this activity makes me a better person, then I'm going to count it for recovery. Even if it's not like a traditional recovery, like appointment or meeting or something like that, it's all things that helps pull someone in the right direction. And when you can have the flexibility like that, people really feel a lot more safe around you. They trust you. They don't feel like you're trying to force them into something that they don't like that's not helpful for them, or that they just don't feel like they're ready for. Now, a lot of people have questions for me about whether or not it's okay to drink and. Or maybe like, smoke marijuana around people in early recovery. And that can be a little bit complicated. But I'm gonna give you my best advice here. If you live in the home with your loved one, I encourage you not to have it in the house. Especially in those early days. And I know you're thinking, well, they could get it anywhere. And you're totally right, they could get it if they wanted it. Even if they're in jail, they can still get it. Right. They could get it. But when you're in your home, you should be able to kind of relax and not have your willpower on 247 and just be comfortable in your home rather than trying to resist it. Resist it, resist it, resist it. See, if you think about it, it's like at home. It's just not here. I can just be comfortable. I don't have to be thinking about it. It's different than, like, okay, I'm in a social situation or a work event. Yes, there's a period of time where I may have to have my walls up and I may have to plan and resist it. And people can do that for periods of time. But it's 24 7. If it's in your house, I encourage you to not have it there. If that's not possible. And I get that maybe sometimes it's not possible, then talk to your loved one about it. Ask them what they're comfortable with. I had a client say to me, yes, my wife has alcohol in there, but it's them damn white claws. And I wouldn't drink one of them things if it was the last alcohol on earth. It does not bother me. And when people tell me things and they're really seem pretty assertive and secure about it, then I just kind of believe them. Because people know themselves and they will Tell you. So we've covered. Don't try not to have it at home. What about can you drink in front of them? Or even can you like leave and go with your friends and have some drinks or smoke or whatever? But it's not in front of them. But then you're coming back and then you're being around them. Let's cover those one at a time. Most people, once they've been in recovery for a good long while, they can be around other people that are drinking, drinking or using. And they're. And they're not necessarily triggered, but it will bother them if you're doing it a lot. I've had a lot of clients who are in early recovery and maybe let's say they were the addict or they were the alcoholic or whatever and their addiction was like way worse than their spouses, okay? And so they stop, but the spouse is still going. But to be honest, a lot of times the spouse isn't that far behind them. Okay? And they don't want to content, they don't want to stop, they don't even really want to slow down. They even kind of resent the fact that their partner's in recovery sometimes. Like they want them to, but they kind of resent it because it messed up the lifestyle, you know what I'm talking about? And then they're still out there partying it up. That usually doesn't go over so well. That's going to create a lot of resentment and hostility. So if it's occasionally ask your loved one about it, they're probably going to be fine. If it's on the regular and you're coming home wasted and you're coming home smelling and all that kind of stuff, it's probably going to be a problem. So I just want you to be aware of that. Now let's move on to whether or not you can drink or use or whatever away from them. Like they know you're going to do it and you're coming back. My thinking on that would be sort of similar to what I just said before. If that's something that you're doing occasionally, most people in early recovery will tell you they're fine with that. In fact, they feel bad if they feel like everyone else has to change just because of them. Like that can be a trigger in of itself. So most of the time people are fine with that. But if it's happening all the time, like on the regular, you're coming home wasted, you smell like weed, this, that, you're obviously super high. It's probably going to be a problem at that. But if it's like, are they going to worry if you go out with your friends and have some glasses of wine or a few beers every now and then? Probably not. I always say ask just because that's good communication, right? But for the most part, the people that I see in recovery really are fine with that, as long, as long as it's not problematic substance use from the other person. Now, this next thing I'm going to tell you, this might be one of my most controversial pieces of advice. You may have had other addiction counselors and or treatment centers tell you otherwise, but I'm going to tell you, don't create a home contract. A lot of times when people are in treatment, the treatment center will actually ask the family to create some kind of home contract. And they'll have you, like, meet for a family session and go over the home contract before the person comes home. And I understand why they're doing this. They're just making sure everybody's expectations are on the same page, right? Like, they don't want the person coming home. The family's expecting them to go to a meeting every day, and the person in early coverage is like, I never agreed to that. So I get that. I do think you should have some conversations about where their head's at, But I really don't think you should have these hardcore, like, contracts in place. For example, like, if you relapse one time, you're out of here, or if you miss a counseling appointment, you're done, or anything like that. Or even, like, rules about, like, hardcore rules about, like, chores. I mean, sometimes families are so frustrated it's been going on so long, they literally are like, when you come home, you take your shoes off, you put them in this place at 90 degrees or whatever. Like, they get super hardcore about it. Don't do that. And the reason I'm going to tell you not to do that is because every time I've seen that happen, the family member actually only paints themselves into a corner. If someone falls back into active addiction, they're gonna do what they're gonna do. And if you think having some kind of home contract in place is gonna stop it, you've lost your mind. You had rules in the past. It didn't work then, it's not gonna work now, and it ain't gonna work if you have them sign it. I don't know why people think if they sign it, it's like some kind of magical, like, legally biting, whatever the word is. Document Whatever, but it's not someone in addiction. They're gonna break their promises. So having them sign it and agree to it, it really doesn't do anything to stop it from happening. But let me tell you what it will do. They will hold your little butt to the contract letter of the law. For example, if you say in your home contract, like, if you fail a drug screen, that's it, you have to go back to intensive outpatient or something like that. Let's say that's what you have in there. But let's say they are taking the drug screens and they're not failing, but you're kind of like Amber, and you trust your gut and you know darn well they've relapsed. Guess what they're gonna do? They're gonna get the contract out. And they're like, you said, if I failed a drug screen and I didn't fail a drug screen, what happens is, is you're gonna feel like you have to hold to the letter of the law. They're not necessarily gonna feel that way if they're in a relapse state. So it really doesn't do you any good. Is it good to talk about expectations and have a conversation about it every now and then? Yes. Should those expectations change over time? They should. And so when you put things in black and white like that, where there's like no wiggle room and it's hardcore, I promise you, you're only locking yourself into a situation that you don't want to be. You always want to leave yourself room for game time decision. Because there's a of lot, lot of factors that come in place when you're trying to make a decision. And you might be thinking that you feel like you need to give them some kind of warning about, you know, you're going to throw them out or this or that, or you're not going to let them be around the kids. Okay? But you can, you can maybe have that conversation sort of more casually. And it doesn't have to be in a formal home contract. What I encourage people to do is just be sort of vague about it. Say something like, like, dude, I got your back. I'm in here with you. But I gotta let you know, like, I'm not gonna let that unmanageability come in here and ruin life for everybody else. I will take action if I need to leave it at that. You don't have to give, like, you get so many relapses, you don't have to put some points attached to it. You'll know when you know, and then you leave yourself the room for flexibility. Plus, anyways, it's common knowledge. I mean, do you really have to say it? Probably not. And you definitely don't need to get them to write it down into a contract. Okay, I know that was a little soapbox, but I see people do it all the time. It always backfires. In fact, one of the things that I hate most of all is when somebody created a home contract with their loved one. And then I'm see. And then all of a sudden, I start seeing the person in addiction. I'm like, dude, you done painted yourself into a corner. Now what you want me to do? Because the family's already set up a bunch of parameters that I would have advised them against. Sometimes those parameters are even things like, if you get 90 days sober, I'm going to buy you a car. I would have advised you against that. So if you're gonna be sending them to treatment, especially if you're gonna be sending them over to see me, try to put a lot of hardcore rules in place until you, like, talk to one of our family counselors or something, because you could be making a mistake. And like I said, you put it in writing, and they will hold you to it because you put it in writing. Now, I also want to go over just a little bit about asking questions. That's another thing that you, as a family member, you're going to want to know because you're looking for reassurance. Are they on the right track? Is this working? Are they about to relapse? Are they taking it serious? Are they doing this for the right reasons? All those things, Those are normal and valid questions and concerns. But if you're constantly being the investigator and you're drilling them down and you're asking questions too much, then they feel like they're under the microscope. They feel like they're being interrogated, and they just start to avoid you. And maybe they realize that your questions are valid and even warranted, but it's still uncomfortable. And the most powerful force, influence, and leverage that you have is your relationship with the person in early recovery. I cannot emphasize that enough. How do I know this? I know this because it's how I have helped people change in 20 years. I don't have any leverage. I don't have a home contract. I don't have a bunch of rules. I don't have a bunch of consequences. The only thing I've ever had is the trust and relationship I've built with the person. And that is very, very powerful. So when possible, you do not want to damage that, because if you do it right, you will have a massive amount of influence and you can help support a person into the right direction, which is different than help, like surveillance the person into the right direction. That doesn't work so good. So when it comes to asking these questions, I think it's fine to ask questions if you're coming from a curious standpoint versus you're coming from a compliance standpoint. For example, if you say, did you go to your meeting? Or how many meetings did you go to? Or what did Amber tell you to do about this? Come from like a genuine curious standpoint. What was that like? And let them talk about what they like and what they didn't like. Like, honestly, you're just curious about what their experience was like, versus you're trying to find out are they following the rules, are they right or wrong. And when you do it that way, you're going to strengthen your relationship with that person. And maybe you've used those techniques to get your to early recovery. Guess what? Those are the same techniques I want you to use when they are actually already sober. You use those exact same communication strategies that you learned in the invisible intervention. You just keep going with them and it's going to keep working for you. You keep building the trust in the relationship. You keep being a person of influence and you help lead a person in the right direction versus push a person in the right direction. It's way more effective.