Is Your Spouse In Denial About Their Alcohol Addiction?

Knowing the steps that someone needs to take to get sober is one thing. Most counselors know that. Right? Actually, you don't even need to be a counselor to know that. Right. You can look at anybody's problem from the outside and tell them how to fix it. That's not where the skill comes in. The skill comes in is, how do you get someone to want to fix the problem? Heck, how do you get someone to even see what the real problem is? Because that's where the magic happens. You hear all these people talk about how, like, addiction recovery rates are so terrible and they're so awful. It's not because. Because treatment centers don't know what people need to do to get sober. It's because people don't know how to get someone to actually want to get sober. It's like everybody's skipping a step. And it's natural to want to skip that step. Because when you're dealing with someone who has an addiction, they're destroying themselves and their family at an alarming rate. So your natural tendency is to want to come in and just say, hey, here's the problem, and here's what I want you to do about it and follow all these steps. I only wish it was that simple. Unfortunately, it just isn't. But if you go back and you build the right foundation, then you can start to see some progress. Let's talk a little bit about how to actually do that. The first thing you got to do is you got to get out of the bad guy role. And I know a little something about getting out of the bad guy role, because most people who have walked into my office to talk to me didn't want to be there. In fact, I've even talked to a lot of people who are tricked into being into my office. I'm serious. People have actually told their loved ones, hey, let's go out and have lunch or something, and then, like, literally drop them on my doorstep. Not cool. Don't do that. So I'm used to dealing with people who are upset, who preemptively don't like me, don't trust me, and don't want to be there. But it's actually easier than you might think to overcome those obstacles. The key is, is to not act the way that they expect you to act. They're going to expect you to be mad, yell, you know, they're going to expect that interaction to be basically like going to the principal's office. And that's why they have that wall up, and that's why you've been feeling like for so long, you can't get them to listen to you. That's why it feels like you're beating your head against the wall, because you haven't figured out how to get them to take the wall down, open the door so that you can come in. The way to get out of the bad guy role is to actually align with the person. The first thing I do when I deal with a client who doesn't want to be talking to me is I say, dude, I can't believe they did that to you. What the crap? That's not right. Because they don't expect me to say that. They expect me to say, hey, you're screwing up your life. You're making a big mess. You need to do X, Y, and Z. But I don't say that I agree with them because it's true. It's kind of messed up, you know, making someone do something they don't want to do. Seriously, if you play your cards right, you can shift this dynamic in a very short time just by saying something that they don't really expect. Don't yell at them. Don't get on their case. Don't nag, don't preach. Be on their side. That's step number one. Be on their side. And that means really be on their side. Not like, now, you know I love you, you know I won't know what's best for you, blah, blah, blah. Not that that's not the thing. Like, actually be on their side. Be their teammate. Now, after you get out of that bad guy role, the next thing you got to do is you got to figure out how to get yourself in that, like, trusted advisor kind of role. And so the second thing you need to do is that you need to figure out a way to get your spouse to actually think that you really get them, that you understand them. This is more important than getting them to figure out that you love them. They probably know that you love them. In fact, sometimes that love feels a little aggravating and like a burden. Let's be real. Because there's a lot of times where they're like, okay, I get it. You love me. I love you too. But can I get some space? What they really want and need is they want to feel understood. The way that you do this is you listen to their side of things. You use a lot of reflective listening skills. If you don't know how to do that, there's a video on my YouTube channel. You can check it out. Basically, it's about being a Good listener. Now, you don't have to agree with everything that they say. In fact, if you agree with everything that they say, they actually won't trust you because that'll be fake. You got to be authentic. But you got to, like, listen and understand things from their point of view. For example, if they're coming home and drinking every day after work and they say, well, I had a horrible crappy day, you know, I've got a terrible boss and this and that, instead of saying something like, well, your family needs you too, or that doesn't mean you can do xyz, don't do that. Skip that part and say something like, dude, that does suck. Tell me about it. And let them tell you about the horrible boss and then say, man, what a jerk. Agree with them. Being able to articulate to someone that you see their specific dilemmas and stresses and difficulties really, really, really helps them to feel like, you get me? If they don't feel like that you understand them or get them, then your advice has no credit. I call this process building credit. Kind of like if you want to buy a house and you have to build credit, first you got to put the foundation in. If someone doesn't feel like you really understand the particulars of their situation, they just immediately dismiss your advice because you don't really get it. You don't understand. You get a lot of that. Yeah, but kind of comments now while you're doing these first two steps, the getting out of the bad guy roll and the becoming the sort of trusted advisor, good listener, understanding person, you gotta let some of their natural consequences come into play. It's this combination that will help someone connect the dots to my life is really crappy. Or as we say in the recovery world call it unmanageable. People can see that their life is unmanageable and it's because of their addiction. So you got to let that unmanageability happen or else they'll definitely never see it. And you got to get out of the bag. I roll. Because when you're in the bag, I roll. That's the only thing they see is that you're a jerk or you're mean, or you're critical, or you're controlling. Have you had those? Then the next step is you got to get them to figure out that their life would actually be better without the addictive substance or behavior. And lastly, you got to get them to believe that they have what it takes to over the problem. The reason that you feel like there's nothing you can do is because you're skipping these steps. If you don't do these steps and you don't do them in the right order, then nothing works. And that's why everybody else believes nothing works, and everyone else tells you that there's nothing that you can do. If your spouse is still somewhat functioning, as in, like, they're going to work or they're helping at home, they're functional in at least one area of their life, but they're in denial. These are actually the techniques that work. And guess what? They're not overly sophisticated, fancy counselor moves. These are things that you can absolutely do. Not only can you do them, but you can do them a lot faster and a lot less expensively than I can do them. Because when I work with somebody, I usually see them, you know, like an hour or two a week. But you live with this person. They actually care about you. Already. You have so much more influence than I would have. You probably just haven't known how to play your cards right now. If you feel like you're really ready to commit to this process and you want to learn the exact step by step process, then check out our invisible intervention. I have laid it all out in there for you so that you know exactly what to do and say first, second, third, fourth. I've literally mapped out the whole process for you inside the invisible intervention. Just click the link to learn more about that.