It’s Not You: Why Loving Someone With Addiction Feels So Confusing

Hi guys. Today we are talking about how society teaches us that addiction is bad and that we are not doing the right thing. We're programmed at an early age to feel the way we do about addiction. And this is perpetuated by society, by things that we read about, things that we hear about, by our, by our friends. It's perpetuated, and then this becomes our accepted thought pattern. It's just not true. I frankly thought before all this happened to me, and when I heard about a kid that was using drugs or alcohol, they must not be parented very well. There's got to be something wrong with that family. They're just not a good person. They're making really dumb choices. I thought that, so it took me a while to undo that messaging in my brain. And so that's a common problem that we hear from our clients, and I hear from people that are going through it. We're trained to believe that addicts are bad. There's something wrong with the family or the parents. They just need to stop, that they're weak, they're making bad choices. And that's how we are sort of, you know, program ourselves. There are certain things that we should do to fix it, that we supposed to do, that we're making bad choices, and that things that don't work will work. And I'm embarrassed to say this, but I was the head of the Red Ribbon Week for 2 years in a row when my children were in elementary school. And I don't know if you guys remember it because it was the dumbest program, but it was Just Say No. And I remember like the cheerleaders from the high school would come over and they would do this say no, say no cheer. And I was like, yeah, this is it. This is good. And that's absolutely ridiculous. And that's a good example of a societal norm, right? I didn't start Red Ribbon Week. Nor was I the first or the last red ribbon chair at Blythe Elementary, but I bought into it. So we also feel bad or guilty about ourselves because we missed it. And I hear that all the time. Like, I'm so stupid. Like, how did I not know? And how did I miss this? Because we don't, or we can't heed the advice to kick them out or cut them off or Hold a boundary. We feel bad that we feel bad that we're not able to do that. So today, I really want to talk about this conflicting bit of information: is that we we we've got to stop being afraid of the outcome. We've got to stop being afraid of what we should need to do. We got to stop being afraid of being the bad guy or looking bad. We have to fight against our own shame that keeps us perpetuated in this in these cycles. We get conflicting information again. This is from groups out. There with good meaning, good intent. We get it from the news, from books, from friends, family, and we also get it from the methods, um, the methods that are being perpetuated by current trends or, or what's hot. And, you know, the craft is a good example of this, is it's a great method, but it doesn't mean it's a one-size-fits-all. It doesn't mean we have to do All of it. It doesn't mean we're going to get the right outcome. Really, this is an inside job. It's what we can tolerate. It's what we can know and do. And I say this all the time: 99.9% of all parents and spouses or partners do the very best they can in the moment with the information they have at hand. And so that's like I think if we can hold on to that, like. How we reacted, whether it was wrong, quote unquote, or poor, is because society tells us that this this system will work and that we have to follow it like that. So, are we bad, stupid, guilty, wrong, incompetent, impatient? Maybe, but maybe we're just naive. Maybe we're working with the information that we have, and it's just not all the information, or it's not. Fully developed or it hasn't yet come to fruition. There is no one solution. There is no one path to follow for recovery and for our movement to get this thing going. So bear that in mind. We talk about that a lot with our clients who are the one with an alcohol or drug problem. There are recommended paths, but there's not one path that will work for every single person, just like there's not one solution or one method for every single parent or partner or spouse. So we have to find the one that's That works for us. This is a question of heart and brain, and they just don't—they don't—they don't dance together. So I think that's really important to recognize is that each person's like even in our membership, like during each live call on Wednesday, there are some people who are like, "This is it. I'm done." And then there are other people who are like, "I just can't. I just can't." Neither one is right. Neither one is wrong. It's the heart brain. I know a lot of things that I should do or could do, but my heart doesn't support that. And that's all right. I don't have to feel terrible about it. Our brain knows that we should do a lot of things in life that we don't always do for various reasons. I think it's also important to remember that while we are naive, we're naive against a faux addiction, that it's a liar and it's a manipulator. And it's so it lies to our loved one who's suffering from addiction. It lies to us. They lie to us. So it's not like the simple thing we can see very black and white. Say this is the problem. It's really like Spirograph, and it's just going every which way but loose, which is super confusing. It's complicated. It's expensive. It's a lot of things. There are a lot of boundaries. There are a lot of reasons that we can't do the things that we. Should need or ought to do, and I'm going to say take those words out of your vocabulary largely all the time. But certainly when it comes to what I should do, what I need to do, I really want you guys to think that through and and give yourself that permission. But otherwise, what happens is we develop our own anxiety. We feel crazy. We feel confused. We are paralyzed. We are overanalyzing. We're exhausted, and we're tired, and we're sad, and we're angry, and we're a lot of things that. Just don't make sense and don't, don't—they're not worth continuing, right? So we got to stop and give ourselves permission and the relief that comes from that to understanding addiction—that we are actually good spouses and partners. We are actually good parents, good people in general. We're just dealing with really, really, really horrible brain disease that is constantly validating and rationalizing. Our loved ones' choices. We develop our own codependency, which remember is anxiety based upon fear. And so we get stuck in our own should I, should I not? What will happen if I do or do not do this? And then we get conflicting information like don't be the bad guy, just be very pleasant, be curious. Like sometimes that just doesn't work and addiction doesn't want it to work. And so that's good advice. Maybe, but it's also not really going to solve the problem. Agreeing with everything that your loved one is saying, maybe he's making you look good and maybe you're not being the bad guy, but it's not changing the situation. It's just you're silent. If it works for you to be silent and sort of charge your battery or take a break from the situation, that's fine. But don't— Kim and I talk about this all the time. Don't— there's a difference between being quiet and selective mutism, and there's a difference being told to be mute. So, you know, sometimes you just have to say what you want to say, and sometimes the disease will always, always drag you into the bad guy role, and that's different than being the bad guy. Give yourself permission, you guys, and forgiveness for what it is that you choose to do, how you choose to handle this, how you choose to function in the face of addiction, in the with it in your family system, with it in your life, whether you want it to be on a daily basis constantly, or you wanna take a break or set a boundary and get away from it. Neither one is right or wrong. All right. I had an older client years ago and her— she had 2 sons and the first one had died of an overdose. And the second one was living with her, stealing from her, continuing to use drugs. And he was stealing her weed eaters. And Constantly, and she was like, "I know, I know you're gonna tell me stop buying weed eaters, but I just can't because he has to have the money because otherwise he's gonna die, and I can't take that." I said, "Go buy ten weed eaters a week. I don't care. You have to get comfortable with the fact that this is what decision you're making for yourself, for your heart. You have to put your head on the pillow at night, and you have to deal with that. So go buy as many weed eaters as you want to, and stop beating yourself up because you're doing it." Well, everyone says I'm stupid. Everyone says I'm doing the wrong thing. I said, don't, just don't pay attention to what everyone's saying. You're you. You do what works for you and give yourself permission that it's okay. So I think that's like, give yourself that break. Do not worry about what lines you can or cannot hold. If you can hold them, hold them. If you can't, don't, but be okay with that. Like, don't, don't beat yourself up that I didn't do it. Don't feel pressured. Don't feel pressured to hold boundaries that society tells us we should hold, or that our families tell us, or our counselor tells us this. I would recommend this. Don't beat yourself up. We do not judge anyone who says, I can't do that. We don't like, well, it's true. Here you go. This is on you. I'm like, okay, what can you tolerate? How do you wanna live? And that's why we, that's why Kim and I came up with Beyond Boundaries, the course, which is if you can't do it, then let's figure out how are you gonna live with some degree of peace? How are you gonna live with some degree of Happiness in your life, despite the fact that you can't do what you know you should do. It's okay. So, and the links to all these things are in our in the description. Again, take need, should, and ought out of your vocabulary when it comes to this. We do the best that we can, and our ability to process and act on the information that we have is ours. It's individual. Okay. This is not something that is a one. Like I've said, one size does not fit all. One shoe does not fit. Every foot. This is again heart over head and head over heart. You got to find the balance for your head and your heart that works for you. It's our prerogative. We have to live. We have to deal with ourselves, and we have to be okay with where we are. And even if it's I'm only okay for where I am today, that's okay. I can change my mind tomorrow. I could change my mind next month. I could never change my mind. I can be okay with the decisions that I've made, with the information that I have and the knowledge of myself. And this, I think we lose ourselves in addiction. It's a family disease, but we don't have to. All right? So remember that you don't have to lose yourself. You don't have to doubt yourself. You don't have to question yourself. You have the right and frankly should hold onto the right to handle this how you want to handle it and to live with that. So I want everyone to walk away with this from this video with, I'm okay with how I'm handling it for right now. All right, let's see if we have any questions. All right, my alcoholic husband has been harassing me on text and I can't tolerate it anymore. I'm thinking of getting a protective order, but I'm scared. I know he'll definitely rage hate me, but all else has failed. Why don't you just get a different phone number and don't tell him? And then that would be easier and cheaper and more, more within your power to hold and to enforce than getting a protective order, which he can continue to harass you, and then you have to get a lawyer or get the police involved. I would just change your phone number. Take away his ability to do that. Don't try to limit it or manage it. And if he rage hates against you, it's okay, right? Like you don't have to tolerate it. You don't have to listen to it. You don't have to believe it. And that's just addiction. Like you said, alcoholic husband. All right, that's it for questions. No. All right, I'm gonna give him a minute or two. Or four. I guess I'll talk about that for a little bit more while we see if someone else has another question. Like, remember that when what we what we train people to do, they will do right. This is universal; it has nothing to do with addiction. So we have to untrain them. We have to take away their right to to do whatever it is. Like, if I let somebody be unkind to me, but I keep going to their house for parties, then I'm training them that I that I'll take up being unkind. If I let someone Make snide remarks about me, and I just don't don't distance myself from them. I'm training them that they can do that. So you can either remove yourself or don't involve yourself with those people, or however you want to handle it. But you have to take power of how you're going to manage it, not what are you good? How am I going to control you? Okay, my partner goes to outpatient programs and sees an addiction counselor, but is still in pre-contemplation. I want him to know the least. About what I know about substance abuse because he's using the knowledge. I'm building up to develop other tactics to anticipate the next relapse. If I could make him watch one video, that would be my only choice. What would videos of yours should I do? I send my partner, and it's a good idea to give him my resources. I know if he's in pre-contemplation, I wouldn't even waste your your energy on that. Pre-contemplation is I don't have a problem. You people are crazy. So. Watching a video about addiction or watching a video about anything would be just a giant waste of time. But to your other point, and I say this to people all the time, they're like, well, should I have my loved one see? I'm like, no, we don't want them to know what you know. We don't want them to understand your strategy. We don't— you don't want to show them your cards. You want to be quietly working behind the scenes to create unmanageability and see how they come out of that unmanageability funnel. You want to be using your strategies and your what you're doing, what you're learning from whoever you're learning it from. I guess our videos is you got to just be quiet about that because otherwise you're not going to win because they'll just outsmart you. They'll just argue with you. They'll just do all kinds of things. Don't I would not tip your hand on that at all, ever. Now when to show those videos. Would be when they say, "Man, I am really trying to get this under control, and I'm just on the struggle bus. I don't know what to do. I'm not having success. I'm really trying, but I can't get a grip on this." Then you could say something like, "Well, I don't know, but I found this these resources, and I think maybe they're they're helpful. If you want the link, I could send it to you, or I can pick out a video or two." But I would let them pick other videos. Sending videos, I usually I don't see much good response on that. Oh, I'm so sorry. This is from the person about getting the protective order. He's saying maybe I should clarify: We live in the same house, and I want a protective order to take him out of the house. Fair. Yeah. Yes. If you need that to get him out of the house, then I would absolutely get him out of the house, and then I would also change my phone number when he's out of the house so that he can't continue to harass you via text. Yeah, this is a really good example of taking care of ourselves. Like, is that going to be bad guy role he could drag you into? Absolutely. But this is where we have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and we decide what, what line are we going to hold, when are we done, and then how are we going to be done. And whether that's I can hold a boundary, or I can take action, or I can remove myself That's up to you. But I absolutely think, and this is really the sad truth about this, you guys, until until we do get sick and tired of being sick and tired and put some sort of change from our own engagement in play, the disease is not going to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. We have to go first. 99.9% of the time, we have to be the ones to say enough. I'm not going to give you money. You can no longer live here. I'm not gonna buy your drugs. I'm not gonna— whatever we're doing, we have to get sick and tired of being that because that's when we will hold the boundary. If we're being told to hold the boundary, but we're not sick and tired of being sick and tired, we're not going to hold the boundary. But then we're gonna go back to the whole message of this video, which is, I feel stupid. I feel wrong. I feel bad because I'm not. You're not sick and tired of being sick and tired. And that's ultimately why we don't do it. And different people have It's on a spectrum, right? What is our tolerance for things that are unpleasant? What is our tolerance for things that we don't like? What is our tolerance for how we're living our life and how we're spending our time, emotions, energy? That's individual and there's no right or wrong answer on that. Yeah, I mean, I think you're right. Like, you are sick and tired of being sick and tired and that is fine. Don't worry about what the addiction is going to say. Don't worry about what your partner's going to say. Don't worry about anybody but you. Okay, this is a really good time for you to take care of you. All right, when is it too late for even for the craft method to work? Any specific signs? That's a really good question. I think the craft method in general is very good and works well. I think there's some tweaks to it that I would put in play, like is okay to have a boundary. I think it doesn't work if you have, if the person doesn't live with you and has their own money. If the person lives across the country or has a spouse that's still tolerating it, or a different family member or some system in place that's also tolerating it, you can change all day long. But as long as there are other people out there holding it up or not willing to be sick and tired of being sick and tired, not willing to support your boundaries, Then the craft method is not going to work, except it will work for you in that you will engage less. You will not argue. You will take some of those self aspects of the craft method, and you will apply them, and and you'll feel better. The situation probably won't change, but you will feel better. And you guys, that's sometimes all we're going to get. Sometimes we just there's no method or system or time that our our loved ones are going to stop, and so we have to decide. How much more do I want to live like this? Addiction will take everything. I say this constantly. I probably said it in the last 5 videos. Addiction is like lava and it doesn't stop until it gets to the sea. And we each have to decide how much more am I going to give addiction? How much more of my life, my money, my emotional, my health, my mental health, my other children, my life, how much more am I going to give it? And again, that's a subjective answer, but That's when the craft method works, I think, really, really well for us. Okay. My adult daughter has seizures when she withdraws from alcohol. She gaslights us recently saying that she is fainting, hit her head, so the head injury is causing this. Any suggestions or a way to communicate or being more proactive? She's in denial and strong-willed. First of all, you just— this is a good example of knowing what you know. You know that the seizure is from alcohol withdrawal, so don't engage. Don't try to talk her into it. Don't try to argue. Don't you don't have to listen to that in one ear and out the other. It's not germane to what you know. Okay, it doesn't it doesn't shape what you know. I would love to know more about like is she living alone? Is she still is she still functioning in the world? And she's that's why she's in denial, or she denial because She lives with you and she needs to continue to live with you. Like there's more onto that, but I would not. I wouldn't argue. I would just say that that may be true. You know what you know, and we don't always have to convince them. You're not really going to convince addiction of anything. So know what you know. All right. This is from Funky Frenchie again. Thank you very much. He's cooperative only when hungover, which is my only 24-hour window to show your videos before stonewalling again, thinking I'm crazy. And I suggest, should I suggest your videos then? If he gives you some sentence or statement like, God, I feel like crap. I wish this would end. Man, I feel horrible. I'm really sorry. I don't. I don't know why I keep doing this. If he gives you something like that during the hangover, maybe then. But if he's just hungover and Somewhat cooperative, I would not push it. Don't push them too soon. Don't push them too often. Don't push them at the wrong time. It's a you can plant the seed with hey, I found these people. I think they're super helpful. I'm benefiting from them. If you want the link, I have it. There's your seed planted. If you don't, you don't water that seed then. If they water it even with a sprinkle, like what was the name of that place? Or do you think it'll help? Or I don't know what to do. Then you can water it a little tiny bit, but don't overwater because all you're going to do is wash the seed out, right? And you're not going to get your crop. So that's just exactly how addiction and overtalking, too early talking, too soon talking, too much talking, too negatively talking, you're going to wash your seed out. All right. So I got the answer to my question. She's the seizure girl is living in an apartment. She just moved out and she works. All the more reasons to just say, oh, I'm sorry you fainted. Like you can, You're not agreeing with her. You're not believing her. You're just giving yourself some peace in that I'm not going to argue with this. I know what I know and I don't need to convince her. She misses work and calls in sick. She loves her job, but not enough to stop relapsing over and over and over. So she will most likely lose that job because the cycle's not going to get better. It's going to get worse. So allow it if she complains about it or Yeah, I guess complaints would be the word. If she complains about missing work, just say, I'm so sorry that's happening. I would hate it if I missed work, especially cuz you love it so much, but you'll figure out what you need to do to be at work more often. Use the empowerment triangle. It's A, liberating for you, and B is a really good example of not overwatering the seed because you're not offering solutions. You're just empowering them to figure out the solution. She obviously knows the solution, right? She knows why she's missing work. She knows why this is happening. Your job is not to point it out. Your job is not to highlight it or talk about it. Yours is just to say, God, I hate that. Like, have some empathy. Remember the empowerment triangle? Have some empathy and align. I would hate it if I were missing my work that I love so dearly as well. You're a smart girl. You'll figure it out. There's your empowerment statement. All right? And obviously those are my words. Use your own words, but that keeps you from being the sponge and taking her problem on. Or you from being the sponge that's trying to squeeze knowledge and insight back into her. It's just, you're the very kind and loving and nice tone and nice words backboard, but the problem goes back into her lap. And, and that's a really good example of taking care of yourself as well as not overwatering the seed. It's liberating when we stop. It is amazing how much more energy and peace of mind we have when we use the empowerment triangle. Over and over and over. Stacy, it just jumped on. Just found you. What is the craft method? The craft method is—I mean, it's—you can go online and Google craft method. There's a bunch of components to the craft method. We use it as far as not arguing, not trying to convince, not highlighting, just sort of changing the tone. In the home or tone in the relationship by changing the way we are interacting with addiction. I think a lot of people take it as they have to tolerate and put up with endlessly, and that's where I say until you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, and then you have boundaries. So while you're having boundaries, while you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, still use those. I'm not going to argue. I'm not. I'm just going to. I'm just going to deliver my boundary. Like I love you dearly, but unfortunately. You, I'm no longer willing to support you. I'm no longer willing to give you cash. I'm no longer willing. But you've got to like, there's a difference between overcrafting, which I hear a lot of clients overcrafting and being a doormat and feeling like, why am I doing this? It's not making any difference. I think it's use it for the softness, but you have the ability to do what you want to do on the other end. Just do it kindly and with nicer words, but go online and look. There's books about it. Like it's a great, it's a great thing. It's definitely. Probably one of the best ones out there, but it, like I said in this video, it's not— this one method is not 100% successful. One method does not work for all of us. One method is not the one you have to do. So you have to decide part of this, part of this, part of this, part of this. And that's sort of how I went at it is I'll take a little of this advice. I'll take a little of this advice, but I'm also going to empower myself to say that's that. I'm done. Okay. All right, guys. I hope this was helpful. If nothing else, I hope that you walk away from this with feeling a little bit better about yourself and using kinder words towards yourself and or kinder words toward anyone you know in this in this position and. At the end of the day, I think it also helps us feel less judgmental in general, helps us feel more gratitude, helps us feel a bigger peace of mind, is that we have changed how we look at ourselves and our loved one and addiction in general. All right. I believe that Amber will be back next week. So look forward to that. And Kim and I will be back the week after that. All right. Bye guys.