Living With Someone Who Has An Addiction Will Destroy Your Life...If You Let It

You know, having an addicted loved one is such a traumatic process in so many ways. And in today's video, we're going to talk about sort of surviving that trauma, how to get through it, and really just sort of wrapping your head around exactly why you feel the way you feel and what's going on with all that. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and you're watching Put the Shovel down, the YouTube channel dedicated to helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so you can recover your loved one, if possible, and get your life back on track. Okay, so let's sort of take this in two pieces. Let's explore a little bit about where those feelings are coming from and which ones you're. Which emotions you're most likely dealing with. And as we talk about these, you know, be thinking about which one of these feelings or frustrations for you is at the top of. What's at the top of your list. Because if you can. If you can identify sort of a priority of, I know you have a lot of mixed feelings, but if you can say, you know, this thing is primary and then all this is right underneath it, then it might help you to figure out, you know, what to address first, second, third, and that sort of thing. So, you know, a lot of times for these live videos, I really try to take inspiration from my week. We do a lot of. Of course, we do a lot of regular therapy in our office, but we also do, like, a lot of coaching calls with different people. It's really crazy. These days, we do coaching calls people all over the country. It's, like, super cool that people reach out, mostly finding us through these videos. But the theme of the week, from what I'm getting from the people I'm talking to, is really a sense of loneliness, because the people that I've talked to, it feels like oftentimes it's like they're the last one sort of in the game or still trying to fight for their loved one. And a lot of times, the addicted loved one has, like, burned every other bridge. No one else wants to have anything to do with them. Everyone is sort of, you know, sort of put them out and just said, look, that's it. I'm done with it. And the one that calls us is a lot of times the last man standing, you know, and it makes them feel like they really. They can't cut the bridge because there's no one else out there. Now, occasionally someone will be struggling with an addiction, and they have lots of Family members and friends rallying around them. But if it goes on long enough, usually that addicted person burns those bridges one by one by one, until a lot of times there's just one person left. And if that person goes, then it just feels like there's no hope for that person. That's not necessarily true, but it can feel like that, Especially if you're that last man standing. It's like if you give up on them, if you quit trying to help them, then you feel like that's it, it's over, and there's, you know, there's no hope of them getting better. It's such a sad, just scary, lonely place to be. Because of course, you have all those, like, regular feelings about being angry at the person, which is totally normal, by the way, being fearful all the time about what's going to happen to that person, what that's going to mean for your life. You know, are you going to be able to deal with it if something really terrible happens? Will they get better? And it's this constant battle inside about, you know, I call it. The way I call it, which is kind of silly, is I call it sort of when to hold them and when to fold them. Like the country song says, when to walk away and when to run. That's a constant balance. And a lot of times you're trying to figure that stuff out every day. In fact, even as the counselor working with people with addictions, that's probably the hardest thing that I have to figure out. When to hold and when to fold and when to walk away. And a lot of times, you know, you're making those decisions based on what's going on with the person. But I want you to also make those decisions based on what's going on with you. You need to sort of be. Have sort of a constant look, engage at your own emotional gas tank. Because you need to decide not just like, what's happening with them, what you should do, but what's happening with you. Needs to count in that equation, too. Because sometimes you're just done, sometimes you've had it, sometimes you're exhausted, and maybe you're not giving up altogether, but you need a break. And you need to distance yourself from that. And that is 100% okay. If there is other family members still sort of in it with you, then I like a tag team approach. And a lot of times, especially if it's parents, it's kind of like one parent will be just so angry and so done. There's, like I said them out, you know, Tag, you're it. And then that parent will be it. You know, sort of switch back and forth, which I think is also appropriate. And that will help you manage your own energy and resources so much better if you can do that. The Another emotion that you are probably struggling with is guilt. And you're not struggling with. I'm not telling you that, because I'm telling you, like, oh, you're guilty. Like, it's your fault. But family members get caught in this trap, no matter what they do. It just sucks. You're just the bad guy. Like, if you're helping them, then you feel really guilty because you're like, oh, my gosh, I'm enabling them. And you feel like, you know, I'm just not strong enough and I should be tougher and I should just cut them off. And you feel guilty about that. If you're strong and you cut them off and you push them out, then you feel guilty about that. You. It's like, there's no win. It's like either which way you go. It's like constantly you feel like you're not doing the right thing. And sometimes that is because there's not a right thing to do. And that doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. Sometimes there's just not a right answer. In fact, most of the time when you're dealing with a situation, it's kind of like, what's the least bad answer at any given moment? And that could change, obviously. Yes, Sue, a no win situation. 100% for sure. And so that guilt that you're struggling with, I just want you to sort of let yourself let that go. Just right here. Just gonna absolve you of that guilt and just say, let it go, because it's not helping you any at all. And there is no right decisions. And even I get a lot of people on the videos that'll say it's almost like confession. Sometimes in the comments or when people talk to me like, I know I blew up and I said these McNastic things, you know what? You're a human, and you can only take it so long. And although I teach you how to not be the bad cop, sometimes when you're dealing with an actor and alcoholic, they will push you into the corner and literally hammer your buttons until you pretty much don't have any choice. I call it the picking a fight method, which is a lot of times what people in addiction will do to feel less guilty about what they're about to walk out the door and do, or about what they Already walked out the door and did. They'll do it to me in session. They'll come in, they'll pick a fight with me, and it's like there's nothing I can say that's right. And. And no matter how much I try to align with them or be the good cop, when that happens to me, my goal is to sort of get out of the conversation, which probably easier for me than it is for you, but if there's a way to sort of just neutralize it and come back to it, a lot of times in session, I'll say something like, whoa, you're having a bad day. You know what? Sometimes sue says it's a big red flag. Yes, Sue. We call that a giant red relapse warning sign, neon blinking sign, flag. That's right. But a lot of times in the office when this happens, it's like, I'll say, you're having a bad day. You know what? Sometimes you're just not even ready to talk about. It's not even a good day for therapy. I'm gonna give you a pass. I'm gonna let you come back on Friday because you might need some space. You have a bad day. I get it. And I'll just sort of give them a pass because I know the longer I sit there with them, the more antagonistic they're gonna be. And, hey, I know I'm a counselor, but let me tell you, I'm just like a real person, too. And I'm gonna get mad at you, but if you can only sit there and be mean to me. So I don't want to do that. I'm gonna be a professional if at all possible. So I'm gonna try to get out of it, because we're all human, and we can only take so much. Next, I want to give you just sort of a couple of more thoughts and ideas about just how to manage that roller coaster of emotions that you feel like, that you live on, you sort of do. First thing I want you to do is decide. This is gonna sound silly, but I want you to do this anyway. I want you to decide that you're not gonna think about it all the time. That's it. You can have some. I'm not gonna tell you, not think about it, because I know that doesn't work. That's ridiculous. But even put it off. Like, when I deal with the person struggling with substance abuse problems, sometimes when they have craving, I'll say, here's what I want you to do. You don't even have to say, I'm not gonna do it. Just say, you know what, let me, you know, I'm busy this hour, I'll revisit that after lunch or whatever. If you put it off a lot of times it just puts it away in your brain and your thinking will shift and it sort of that fear, frustration, get, whatever it is you're struggling with will kind of move on itself. So delay thinking about it or decide, okay, I'm gonna think about it, but only once a week when I talk to Amber. Or I'm going to think about it once a day when I journal. And that's it. I'm going to put it back in the box, I'm going to close it and I'm going to deal with life. Because if you let will consume you, it will overwhelm you and literally drown you. You will absolutely lose yourself in this and it's very hard not to. You're going to have to take a really active approach to keep your sanity. And so decide that you're not going to think about it every day, all day. And I say this a lot to the families we coach, but definitely don't talk about it all the time. It may feel like you want to because it's constantly in the front of your brain, but I don't want you to do that. I don't want you to constantly. Every conversation does not need to be about that. Just talk about regular stuff. What's your new favorite TV show? Whatever you want to talk about. Anything other than that it's something you don't talk about at all. But it does not need to be this everyday, all day conversation. So give yourself some distance and space from it and that will help you tremendously to regulate your emotions. I want you to. I'm looking down because that's where my list is. I want you to also identify who your supports are. So not everyone in your life is going to be very helpful with this issue. In fact, I'm going to say most people in your life are going to be not helpful with this issue. It's not because they don't love you, it's not because they don't care, but it's probably because they don't get it. And it's hard to get it if you haven't been there yourself. Because what you're going to be looking at, they're going to be looking at you like, dude, why are you putting up that? That's ridiculous. I wouldn't do that. Well, that's what we all think. That's probably what you thought before. You're in this situation too. Like, I wouldn't put out that junk. We all think that, right? But it's complicated, and you get into it. This is your spouse. This is your family. You know, leaving your spouse means splitting your family up. That's not something that you can take lightly. Most pet. Most people definitely don't get it. That's right, Heidi. And because they don't get it, they either give you bad advice, or maybe they don't give you bad advice. And they say supportive things, but you feel like they're judgy. And maybe they're not even being judgy, but you might feel like they're judging because it's that guilt thing, that same thing coming up inside of you. And so you need to identify two or three safe people and places where you can process it. And maybe these are your safe people in places where you do allow yourself to think about it. You know, that can be with your own counselor, that can be with your own family recovery coach, that can be with your own Al Anon sponsor. But even if it's not someone directly related to addiction. Hey, Sandra. It can be someone who really doesn't have any experience with this issue, but someone who's just naturally make a circle of strength. That's right. I like that. See, someone that's naturally good at just being supportive. Some people are just good at it. You know, they just. They have empathy. They get it. They're good listeners. And maybe they don't know anything about it, but that's okay. You just need somebody to hear you and understand. And a person that you don't feel like is judging you for, you know, the decisions you're making or that you lost your cool yesterday or whatever that you can confide in. So build that. I like that. That circle that you said earlier could be your counselor spouse. Donnie says, that's my husband, Donnie. It's probably terrible to have a counselor spouse. I must imagine even worse to have a counselor mom. And then the last thing I have on here is to realize that it's okay to get your needs met too. In fact, if you'll do a better job of getting your needs met, they have a better job. They have a better chance of getting better. That's kind of interesting, isn't it? Right. If you'll assertively get your needs met. And I have a video coming out about that. It's still in the editing process, but it'll be out in the next few weeks about, you know, it's alright. It's alright to. It's alright to want a whole night's sleep. Yeah, it's true. That's a reasonable expectation. It's alright to want to live in your house and not to have to lock up your purse. Just want to leave it right there on the coffee table like a regular person. Totally okay thing to want in your life. It's okay to want to not be screamed and yelled at. I know these seem like basic things. You're like Amber, really, But when life gets this crazy, so sometimes you can get lost in the chaos of it and you like literally forget those are human needs. And it is completely okay to insist on having those needs met. And if you're not making sure that you're having those basic needs met, then you're probably very likely are falling into enabling. And so you're not only suffering yourself, but you're also really not helping your loved one. So it is 100% and totally okay to get those needs met. Now, I made this video recently, it'll be coming out next week or two weeks about the secret thoughts that families have about their loved ones addiction. And I think hearing those secret thoughts is going to help you a lot because they're the ones that you probably don't want to say out loud and you don't even want to admit to yourself that you're having them. But I say addiction lives in darkness and secrecy. And so if you can turn the light on it, even just acknowledge it, you can make it better. So if you're not subscribed, make sure you're subscribed. Turn on that bell so you'll know when that video is released. And also the other one that's coming about assertiveness. And I will see you next Thursday live at 1. Thanks for joining me, everybody.