Look Out For These Behaviors In Your Addict Significant Other

These are some tried and true alcoholic addict behaviors. Most of these you're going to be able to see from the outside, like, from the other person's perspective. One of the really common things that happens when you're in a relationship with someone who has a drug or alcohol or other addiction kind of problem is that there's a lot of gaslighting that goes on. There's a lot of rationalizing. There's a lot of minimizing, and it can leave you feeling like, is this a problem? Am I making it out to be more than it is? Maybe it's just me, me. And you get a lot of confusion about what's really happening. Now I have another video where I go over the official clinical criteria of alcoholism, which, by the way, are the same as any addiction. You just replace the word alcohol with whatever the addiction is, and there you have it. And I'll link that video up at the end. But in this video, I'm going to talk about what are those observable characteristics that you're going to notice when you're dealing with an addict or an alcoholic? And hey, if you're watching this video for yourself because you're trying to figure out, do I have an addiction? Do I have an alcoholic problem, then take note and see if you recognize some of these behaviors in your own self. For those of you who are new here, my name is Amber Hollingsworth. I'm a master addiction counselor. I've been counseling people with addictions for more than 20 years now. And this YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you can stay five steps ahead of it. Because that truly is the only way to beat an addiction. You have to outsmart it. You can't out cowboy it. You can't out will it. You have to get ahead of it. That's what this channel is all about. If that sounds like something that's right up your alley, then make sure you're subscribed and turn on your notifications, because there is a wealth of wisdom here. All right, let's get into our topic. These are in no particular order. They don't mean they're not ranked. They're not. One is more severe than the other. These are just some of the things that you're going to see when you're dealing with an addict or alcoholic. There may be something on here that you don't see in yourself or in your loved one, but the presence of a lot of these is definitely a big indicator. Drinking or using in some Secret or hiding the fact that you're drinking or using or hiding how much you're drinking or using. Now, not all people who have addictions hide all of their use. Maybe their partner or even their parent or their friends. They know they drink or use or engage in whatever behavior, but they probably don't know to what extent it is happening. But a lot of times that drinking in front of you is sort of like the show drinking, or kind of like, I'm trying to present to you that I'm drinking in a certain way when behind the scenes, I'm drinking another way. Sometimes people in social situations will go to a certain limit, but will do a lot more behind the scenes. Or they'll have hidden drinking or using before the event and after the event. But you're probably definitely not getting the full picture of what's going on here. Another really common behavior that you're going to notice when you're dealing with someone who has an addiction is that they go mia, as in missing in action. They are long periods of time that are really unaccounted for. Maybe they say, hey, I'm going to run to the store. I'll be right back. But they were gone for, you know, three hours, and you were like, where are you? Where were you? And they'll make up some kind of story that doesn't really make a lot of sense to you. They'll have a reason. Other times, if you're dealing with someone who has an addiction to drugs, they may be gone or MIA for days at a time on these benders. And most of the time they don't answer their phone. Or if they do, they answer their phone. They'll say, I'm on my way home. I'll be there in 10 minutes. And then it's two hours later and they're still not there. Another big one you're going to see is that they neglect their responsibilities. Maybe not all their responsibilities, but there's definitely things falling through the cracks. Now, that could be at work or at home or even at school. But you can definitely tell they're not able to juggle all their responsibilities and daily life activities the way that they used to. Things are progressively, usually progressively, more and more and more falling through the cracks. Or maybe they're attempting to do their responsibilities, but they're attempting to do it while intoxicated. You can especially see this when it comes to things like childcare or they're going to work intoxicated or driving their car intoxicated. Even if it's something like A gambling addiction, which you may not think of as like, well, they're not intoxicated. Maybe they're supposed to be taking care of the kids, but they're on their phone trying to get a bed in or analyzing scores or arranging deals. They're definitely distracted. They're definitely not all the way engaged in their responsibilities. One of the things that you might notice that's pretty confusing a lot of times to family members is it seems like they're fine one minute and then they're not fine the next minute. You see this specifically when you're looking at a substance addiction, drugs or alcohol. It's like, maybe they had one beer and they seemed totally fine. And then 30 minutes later, it's like they were, like, falling down drunk. Or it's like, where did this come from? Or they're stumbling around, or they're incoherent, or it's just, like, totally off. And it's like, how can that happen from just one beer? Or they were just gone for five minutes. And that's because of the use that is happening behind the scenes. Like I said before, even if you see them drinking or using a little bit, there's probably more that's going on behind the scenes. And this happens especially because people are sneaking, which means, like, for example, if they're drinking, they're gonna have to, like, consume a lot really fast while your head's turned, or, you know, during that run to pick up the pizza or whatever it was. And in your mind, it's like, what in the world happened here? Another really common behavior you're gonna see is that they're going to make promises to either start, slow down, or stop their use. And maybe they hold to their promises for, like, a short period of time, but it's like they always fall back. You may notice that they engage in irresponsible or impulsive behaviors, possibly even illegal behaviors. Maybe they have the kids or the family in the car when they're actually running to meet a drug dealer to pick up some drugs. It's really hard to have a discussion with them about it because they're going to either outright deny it or rationalize it or minimize it or make you think you're crazy for bringing it up. Another thing you'll notice is actually one of the official clinical criteria is that they drink or use or gamble or whatever. It is more than was intended. One of the things that happen when people are struggling with an addiction issue is they really are usually trying to get it more under control or make it more Manageable. So they make these little deals with themselves. They promise they're only going to do X, Y or Z. They're only going to place, you know, they're not going to gamble more than X amount of money. End up getting caught up in the moment. And they go way past the limit they set for themselves. And pretty much like universal sign is that they get defensive when you bring up the topic at all. Maybe they shut down, maybe they start a fight, Maybe they blame you. Maybe they like redirect the conversation by bringing up something that you did. But you can tell that there is a defensiveness around this topic. And even if your person's more passive, they just avoid the topic at all cost. Another sign or symptom that you're going to see is that seems like they don't get over past hurts. Like they're holding grudges and resentments and frustrations. And these resentments just build and build and build and build. And they can be almost like very, very preoccupied with them. Maybe it's something that happened to them in childhood. Maybe it's something that's going on at work. Maybe it's something that you said or did three years ago. And they keep bringing it up because they're in an addicted state. They're not resolving issues, especially if the addiction is some kind of substance. A lot of times those substances, when they're intoxicated, they'll relive it and reimagine it and rehash it and almost like re traumatize themselves with it. And they'll bring it up over and over and over again. You may notice that they have sleep problems. It's like their sleeping is all off. Either sleeping too much sleeping, not enough. And this really varies depending on what the addiction is. But it's not regular or consistent. You may notice that they're irritable and maybe they even act worse when they're not engaging in the addictive behavior. And that's because they're probably in some level of withdrawal in your mind. It's like, actually, I enjoy them better when they are intoxicated or they are doing that because otherwise they're not very pleasant to be around. You may notice that they start to socially isolate themselves or pull back from other activities and hobbies and interests or social events that they used to would have attended. Sometimes this is because they don't want to drink or use or get intoxicated in front of other people because they don't want others to see the extent to which the problem is happening. And then again, other times it's just because they want to drink or use or do whatever it is they do to the full extent. And they don't want to have to minimize it or keep it under control. So they want to be alone so that they can do whatever they do in their own privacy with no limits, no worries about how it's going to come across to anybody else. It's just, just. It's just on. You will likely notice that they get very angry if you do something that interferes or gets in the way of them engaging in that behavior. If you bring up something that happened last minute and they had this other plan and now you're interrupting that plan, you're gonna notice a big agitation and sometimes a lot of anger will come your way. And this last one you may or may not be able to observe because really, something that's going on in their own head, but is definitely happening, and that is that they are planning their life and their activities and their daily schedule. The addictive behavior. It's not like, oh, I'm going through life and then every now and then I drink or have fun or I gamble with my friends, or I do this or that. It's like the whole life begins to revolve around the drinking, the using, the gambling, the pornography. Everything else starts to revolve around that instead of the other way around. Now, this is by no means an exhaustive list, and I would love for you to add in other things in the comments below that maybe I missed. Because when other people read that and they're like, oh, yeah, that's another one, you're helping other people out just by listing it there because it helps them to recognize what's going on. It can really give you a strong sense of sanity, especially if you're being told that you're crazy, you're a lunatic, and it's not happening, sometimes you really need something concrete to grab a hold of. Now, as promised, I'm going to link up that video with the clinical criteria, and I'm also going to link up my playlist that talks about the psychology of addiction that goes more into the thinking pattern, what's going on in the head of someone struggling.