Manipulation Guide Crash Course | 🚩 10 Addict Red Flags To Look Out For

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling like, how the heck did that turn into me being the bad guy? You're confused, you're frustrated, you're upset. Those are all signs and symptoms that you've just been manipulated. But after this video, that's not going to happen to you anymore because this is the Manipulation Masterclass. We're going to talk about what manipulation is, why it happens, why it is so toxic, how to recognize and respond to various manipulation tactics. I'm going to give you examples of manipulation tactics, how to respond, and when to walk away. If you've got someone in your life who you feel like regularly tries to manipulate you, this video is definitely for you. For those of you who are new here, my name is Amber Hollingsworth and you are watching the YouTube channel Put the Shovel Down. Our goal is to help people and families overcome addiction before they hit bottom. And one of the first things you've got to do, especially if you're in a family member, is you got to recognize the whole cycle of what is happening. to you. Not just you got to recognize that your loved one has an addiction. Sure, that's part of it, but you got to recognize the chaotic pattern that's happening around you that's keeping you and your loved one stuck. And manipulation is a big piece to that puzzle. So let's get into it. What is manipulation? Well, to put it in very simple terms, it's sneaky tactics that are designed to control or influence someone else for your personal gain. Now, when people manipulate, it's not always conscious or In fact, as we go through this video and we list examples, at some point you're more than likely going to think, oh my gosh, I do that. And that's okay because this isn't just about recognizing manipulation in other people, but it's also about identifying maybe some little patterns of manipulation that you might have. But we are going to focus mainly on addictive tendencies that people who have addiction often use against their loved ones in this video because it's part 1. But there is a part 2 in this series where we're going to talk about emotional manipulation Manipulation tactics that family members use against their addicted loved one or their loved one in early recovery, because it is a two-way street when it comes to addiction. Trust is eroded on both sides, and there is a power struggle over who's in control, and everybody's trying to get what they want. Manipulation creates all kinds of problems for yourself and your relationship. It erodes trust. It creates resentment. It undermines emotional safety. It keeps everyone stuck. It warps communication. It damages self-worth. And most of all, it perpetuates very toxic dynamics where power and control take precedence over mutual respect and understanding. This can lead to a cycle of manipulation and retaliation where it's a constant back and forth vying of who's in control, of trying to one-up each other, of trying to prove that you know that the other person's lying. It's exhausting. It's unsustainable and ultimately self-destructive. So Let's get you out of these patterns once and for all. Now, before we get into how to recognize and respond to manipulation, let's talk for just a second about why it happens in the first place. Like I said earlier, it's not always conscious and it's not always intentional. Like the person doesn't realize that they're trying to manipulate you. In some cases they do, but a lot of times they don't. Manipulative behavior is actually driven by fear and anxiety, fear of losing control, Fear of consequences, fear of facing reality. For example, someone with an addiction might manipulate their family member because they're scared to death of what life would be like without the addictive substance or behavior. This comes from a very deep-rooted anxiety, which is the reason why people with addictions tend to be a lot more manipulative because they stay in a desperate state where they sometimes even physically need to get a substance or continue an addictive behavior. Otherwise, they're going to be unwell. And that desperation drives to do or say whatever they can do or say to fuel their addiction. Sometimes manipulation is a learned behavior, especially if you grew up in a household that didn't have good boundaries. You may have learned that you had to force that to get your needs met. You needed to manipulate. You needed to force the situation. You had to play on other people's emotions. Maybe in childhood you learned how to deflect blame, how to play the victim, how to create chaos to keep people off your back and maintain some sense of autonomy and control over your life. Maybe it started out for very good reasons, like a defense mechanism. But if you don't keep it in check, once you get to adulthood, it can be very, very toxic and you can get into a cycle of manipulative relationships without even realizing it. People use manipulation to get what they want, sometimes to get what they need, and also to avoid accountability. When you see manipulative behavior, I want you to realize that it is a sign of a deeper struggle inside of a person. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with it. I do want you to know it, however, because it'll help you to stay calm and strategic in how you react and how you respond to the situation. Now let's move into how to recognize when someone's trying to manipulate, because recognizing manipulation can be a little tricky at times. It's often subtle and wrapped in emotions, but there are definitely some red flags to watch out for. So I'm going to give you 10 of those red flags. I'm sure it's not an exhaustive list, but these are the most common things. The first one is using guilt as a weapon. If If someone constantly makes you feel guilty for not doing what they want, then they're weaponizing your guilt against you. For example, they may say things like, if you loved me, you would do this, or if you loved me, you wouldn't do this. Or they may say something like, well, I guess I'll have to figure that out on my own. Or they may say something like, I guess I'm on my own with this. This is a tactic to make you feel responsible for their emotions and actions, even when you're not. Second red flag, they twist the truth. This one might be the most difficult to recognize, Because it's not a complete untruth, it's a twisting of the truth. People with addictions are masters at bending the truth to support their narrative. They might leave out key details, exaggerate, or outright lie about things. For example, they might show you selective evidence to prove their point, like a receipt or a carefully chosen text message to show you. Meanwhile, they're hiding the full story. It's all about controlling your perception of reality. The 3rd red flag I want you to learn to recognize is Being the victim. Playing the victim is pretty much the classic manipulation tactic. People that use this tactic make it seem like they're just innocent bystanders when all this bad stuff is happening to them or around them. They make you feel like it's all everyone else's fault. Essentially, if you feel sorry for them, you're more likely to give in to their demands. For example, they may say something to you like, I can't believe you would treat me like this after everything I've done for you. Red flag number 4. You've probably heard me talk about this one before. It is called gaslighting. Gaslighting is an attempt to make you question your own reality. They may say things like, that never happened, or you're overreacting. Over time, this can make you doubt yourself, question all your decisions, and if taken to an extreme, it can make you lose your grip on reality. It's a way of keeping you off balance and them in control. Number 5, they use emotional blackmail. Now, of all the manipulation tactics, this is the one that probably makes me the most upset because it is completely out of bounds. It is a complete flag on the play. It is out of bounds. It is a no-go zone if you ask me. When someone threatens to hurt themselves or the relationship if you don't do what they want you to do, that is emotional blackmail. For example, they may say something like, if you don't help me, I won't have any choice but to go back to the streets. If you leave, I don't know what I'll do. This tactic plays on your empathy and your fear, making it incredibly difficult to say no. Manipulation tactic number 6, shifting blame. Manipulators rarely take responsibility for their actions. If you try to confront them, they'll turn it around and accuse you of being the problem. For example, someone might say, I only did fill in the blank because you made me feel this way. Or if you hadn't done X, this wouldn't have happened. Red flag number 8, exploiting your insecurities. Now, the people closest to us, they know where our insecurities and where our emotional buttons are. And when someone is desperate to get what they want or what they need, they will push those buttons. They might do this by subtly tearing you down, you know, like making backhanded comments or comparing you to others to make you feel less than. Over time, this erodes your self-esteem and your self-confidence, making you less and less capable of acting assertively and getting your own needs met. Number 9, this is my personal favorite one, and that is when manipulators are overly charming. Not all manipulation is negative or aggressive. Sometimes it comes in the form of excessive charm. You may have heard the term love bombing before. This would be an example of that. But this doesn't just happen in romantic relationships. It can happen in any kind of relationship. If someone is overly flattering, or it just seems like it's too good to be true, it probably is. They're trying to win your trust and lower your defenses. And once you're hooked, the manipulation begins. Number 10 red flag that you are being manipulated is if you're feeling confused and drained. One of the biggest signs that you're being manipulated is how it makes you feel. If you're constantly second-guessing yourself, feeling exhausted, or feeling guilty, that's a huge clue that someone could be manipulating you. Manipulation is designed to keep you off balance. If something feels off, trust your gut. Now, in just a second, I'm going to tell you how to recognize manipulation. But before we do that, I have something super exciting to share with you. If you've ever wished you could sit down and just pick my brain about your specific situation, or even ask me a question, a follow-up question to one of my videos, well, now you can. I want to introduce you to Amber AI, as in Amber Artificial Intelligence. It's like having me in your back pocket, available for coaching, advice, counsel 24/7. Amber AI has been trained exclusively on all of my teachings, my insights, my strategies. She can give you real practical advice tailored to your specific situation. Amber AI's brain is actually made up of every video I've ever made, every blog post I've ever written, every online course I've ever designed. All of that information is in there. It's pretty much like talking to me, only it's actually better because Amber AI remembers everything I've ever said, and she tends to give much more thorough answers than I give in real life. And the best part is you can have a back and forth conversation with Amber AI. You can ask follow-up questions, you can share your story, you can get personalized advice. You can start a conversation with Amber AI today, get some suggestions, try those suggestions, and then come back tomorrow and tell her all about what happened and ask for your next steps. Maybe the best way to explain it is just to show you. Now you're looking at Amber AI. Let's test her out by asking her a manipulation question. You can actually use the chat feature where you just type it and she answers you back in text or you can call. Because we're doing a video, I'm going to use the call feature so you can hear her response, but I actually prefer the chat feature. Hey, we're all different. Do it whatever way works best for you. Thanks for calling Amber's AI coaching line. How can I help you? Hi Amber, I want to run a situation by you. Last night I found a bunch of empty mini alcohol bottles in the bottom of the trash can, and when I confronted my husband about That they were old and he just found them in his office and he was just throwing them away and he didn't want to tell me about it because he knew it was going to upset me. Now I know that's not the truth because I guess I have to admit I've searched his office and they weren't in there before. I'm just not sure if I should bring it up, if I should call him out. What should I do?

Well, first off, I can tell you're feeling pretty stuck here and I get it. This kind of situation is frustrating and emotional because it's not just about the bottles. It's about the sneaking and the lying. That's what really stings, right?

Now let's break this down a little.

When you confronted him, he gave you a story that doesn't add up. But here's the thing, calling him out on it directly, especially when emotions are high, usually doesn't get you the result you're hoping for. It tends to just make people defensive and then the conversation goes nowhere productive. Instead, I'd suggest taking a step back and giving yourself a little time to think about how you want to approach this. You don't have to decide right this second whether to bring it up again. Sometimes just sitting with it for a bit can help you figure out the best way to handle it. If you do decide to address it, try framing it in a way that focuses on how you feel rather than accusing him. For example, you could say something like, I found those bottles in the trash and it really hurt me because it feels like there's still a lot of hiding and sneaking. I just want us to be honest with each other. That way you're opening the door for a conversation without putting him immediately on the defensive. And one more thing, If this is part of a bigger pattern, it might be worth thinking about what your long-term plan is for addressing the drinking itself. Sometimes focusing on the sneaking and lying can feel like you're spinning your wheels because the real issue is the drinking. But for now, take a breath, give yourself some space, and decide how you want to approach it. Does that make sense?

It does make sense, but my husband, he's extra, extra sensitive to these conversations and he tends to react to these situations by getting super upset. Do you have any advice for me on how to be extra sensitive about the situation?

When someone's extra sensitive, it can feel like you're walking on eggshells, and that's exhausting. But there are ways to approach these conversations that can help lower the temperature a bit. First, timing is everything. Try to pick a moment when he's calm and not already stressed or upset, maybe after dinner or during a quiet moment when things feel more relaxed. And then instead of diving straight into the issue, start by acknowledging how hard these conversations are for both of you.

Now, as you can see, Amber AI gives very thorough answers, probably a lot more thorough than I would. If you want to learn more about Amber AI, I've put a link in the description so you can see more of the behind the scenes of just exactly how Amber AI works. Okay, so let's move on to this next section because I'm guessing this is what you're here for. How do you respond when you're being manipulated? Well, the first thing you do is you need to recognize exactly what's happening, which sounds easier than it actually is because you got Remember, manipulation is all about hitting your emotional buttons. When your emotions are activated, your thinking is deactivated. So when you feel those emotions begin to spike, ask yourself, is this a guilt trip? Is this playing the victim? Is this emotional blackmail? What exactly is happening here? And then I want you to pause. I don't want you to necessarily address it right there in the moment, especially if you're feeling emotionally charged or you haven't put your finger on exactly what's happening. Give yourself some time to think through the situation and decide how you want to respond strategically so you don't get into reacting, so you don't get into a bunch of emotional reaction to the situation because that's only going to make it worse. It's okay to set clear boundaries. For example, if someone's trying to manipulate you into giving them money, you can say something like, I know you're really struggling, but I can't cover that responsibility for you. Now, the key here is you're being direct, You're not beating around the bush, but you're also not giving a whole lot of extra details. You don't need to give them a whole list of reasons why you're not going to cover their responsibilities. Don't say things like, because I've been paying them for the last 5 years. Don't say something like, because I'll just be enabling your addiction. Don't say something like, because you're always taking advantage of me. If you add that little extra part in the end, you're just going to escalate the fight. Which brings me to my next point, which is do not engage in the drama. Oftentimes manipulators, especially people with addictions, they'll try to escalate escalate a situation. They're purposefully trying to get you keyed up. I call it a fishhook. It's kind of like they're fishing for you to bite the hook. Resist biting the hook. It won't lead you anywhere because if they get you upset, they can derail the conversation. They can distract you from what the original thing was. And most of all, they can make you act crazy and they will use your crazy acting against you because they'll say, they'll use manipulation tactic number 1, escalate situation. And then when you're escalated, they see a You see how quick that happens? They shift it right onto you. Next, I want you to calmly state the facts. I don't want you to give a whole lot of detail. The more detail you give, the more likely you are to go down a rabbit hole and then get into like 10 other arguments. So like, for example, if you know your loved one is trying to gaslight you, you can say something like, that's not the way I remember it, but I don't want to argue about that right now.

Okay.

Next, You see how you can just shut that down without agreeing to what they said, but also without getting into a lot of details to support what really happened, because that's just going to go around and around and get you nowhere. Try to avoid things like filling in the facts with other little details. Like for example, if your loved one went MIA and you know they were gone and missing for this period of time, they weren't answering calls, they didn't show up to the function they were supposed to show up to. And you know, when they do that, they're usually with their best friend, Jennifer. But you don't know that for a fact. And maybe even if you do know that for a fact, you might want to leave it out. But I want you to avoid saying, I know you were off with Jennifer and y'all were probably doing whatever, fill in the blank. Because all those little details you put in, the more details you put in, the more likely you are to say something that's incorrect. And when you say something that's incorrect, you're going to start an argument about that. For example, if you say the Jennifer thing, then they're going to say, it wasn't Jennifer. Why do you always think it was Jennifer? I was actually with Michelle. Hell, see, you think you know what you're talking about, but you don't. And now you're down this rabbit hole of arguing about who they were with. And honestly, that's not the issue. It can help to have a strategy. You know your loved one best, so you probably know their go-to manipulation tactics. Have— so have a plan for what you're going to do when you see those manipulation tactics coming on board. Of course, you can always seek support. Maybe you belong to a Families in Recovery support group. Maybe you have a sponsor. Maybe you have a friend that you can Or maybe you want to talk to Amber. Yeah, it can really help to have a sounding board, especially when you feel like they're always making you feel confused and question yourself. And lastly, stay focused on what the goal here is. Keep your eye on the big picture and don't let all these tactics derail you. Like, for example, maybe you're working our invisible intervention plan and your goal is to get someone out of denial. If that's what you're working on, that's going to play very heavily into your decisions about what to confront and what not to confront and when to do it and how to Manipulation is tough, especially when it's coming from someone that you really care about. But setting boundaries to protect yourself isn't selfish, even if they try to make you feel like it is. You can still have compassion for the other person while not letting them mistreat you. Now, I know this video, it was a long one and I gave you a lot of information. So to help out, I've written all this information down into a manipulation playbook for you so you can refer back anytime you want to. You can download it for free. I've put that link in the description. Again, don't forget about part two, which is how family members often manipulate their addicted loved ones.