Amber Hollingsworth breaks down seven manipulation tactics addicted people use to deny they have a problem: minimizing with comparisons, gaslighting you as uptight, pointing to past sobriety, promising they've learned their lesson, saying they just need to cut back, deflecting to your mistakes, and blaming circumstances.
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This is seven things that your addicted loved one is going to say to you to convince you that they don't have a problem. And of course, all of these are just manipulation tactics, which is why I want you to be able to identify them and know exactly what's happening when you hear them. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the Shovel Down. I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and this YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so you can get your family and your life back on track. Get back out there and live the life that you want to live. I want you to know you are not powerless. You do not have to hit rock bottom. And there are many things you can do to help an addicted loved one. If you want to be back in control of your life, subscribe to this channel, and I'll make sure you are always five steps ahead of addiction. And don't forget, hit the little bell if you want access to the bonus episodes. All right, number one, your loved one is very likely gonna tell you something along the lines of, everyone does it. I'm not nearly as bad as all those people at the meeting. Those people, that treatment center you took me to, my brother Jake, your Uncle Lonnie. It's just not that bad. I don't even do it every day. I'm gonna call that the it's not as bad as you're making it out to be manipulation tactic. And often this second one goes hand in hand with the first one. It's like a double whammy. They will prob you both at the same time. The little second piece to that goes something like, you are just so uptight. Like, I don't know why you worry about this so much. You used to go drink with me. You used to be fun. What happened to you? This is kind of a gaslighting manipulation technique. It's the way of saying, it's not me, it's you. You're the crazy one, not me. What's wrong with you? Why are you so controlling? Why are you so uptight? Why are you different? Now, if you've heard these kind of things before and you want to know how to deal with manipulation, tact. I am going to put the link in the description so you can download my quick manipulation guide, which kind of goes over the the different types of manipulation really quickly and gives you some hints and pointers on how to deal with things like gaslighting. You'll be able to find that in the description along with lots of other really great resources. Now, up next, number three is, well, I quit for 30 days last year. What kind of alcoholic who quit for 30 days? Or I'll prove it to you, I'll quit for two weeks or I quit for a whole year. 1. So they'll point out times when they didn't use it all for weeks or months or maybe even years at a time. The thing of it is, this isn't really evidence that a person doesn't have a problem. Quite honestly, this manipulation tactic is one that the person is very likely not just using on you, but using to convince themselves that they don't have an addiction issue. It's very common for someone who thinks they might have an addiction issue to try to go for time periods with out. In fact, one of the actual criteria for diagnosing substance use disorder is failed attempts to control, stop, or cut back. Now, that doesn't mean that they can't stop for periods of time, but when they are using, they don't control it. Well, a better way to look at what addiction is, it's more like having trouble controlling once you start. So just because someone's had periods of sobriety doesn't mean they don't have a problem. Now, number four, they might say, trust me, I learned my lesson. That was horrible. That will never happen to me again. What they're really saying is kind of like, well, I just needed that one little lesson and now I've moved on and I'm not gonna let that happen again. But oftentimes the person doesn't have enough insight about exactly why that one thing happened to them. For example, they may think, okay, I got that dui. The problem isn't that I have an alcohol use disorder. The problem is that I drove home from the bar drinking. And yes, that is a big problem that does need to be addressed. But sometimes person misses the big picture of the issue. There's going to be another manipulation tactic. It's going to be a little bit like that. And there's actually another manipulation tactic that's a little bit like that. So keep listening for it. The next one is I just need to cut back. I just overdo it from time to time. I'm not even doing it every day. Maybe it's just that sometimes it gets out of hand. I just need to cut it back. Now, if this is the first time this person's ever told this to you, then okay, let's see about it. But I'm guessing it's not the first time. They probably said this to you like Once every three months, once every six months, at least once a year, for a long time now. But it just doesn't seem to work. This is another tactic that's not just an attempt to manipulate you, but it's kind of a denial mechanism where the person is probably trying to convince themselves of it, because to be honest, they're trying not to look at the fact that they really need to give it up in order to get control over it. Number six is kind of a combination of deflection and gaslighting. And that one goes something like, why are you always bringing up my past? I can't get better because you're always bringing up every bad thing I ever did. Now, I know when you're bringing up the bad things from the past, you're trying to get them to acknowledge that this is a big issue causing a lot of problems. And the reason you're trying to get them to acknowledge it is because you want to make sure that they get it, because you want to make sure that they solve the problem. Basically, right now, not really saying that it's a great idea for you to always be bringing up someone's past mistakes, but in this instance where the person is saying that to you, it really is just a deflection to sort of get you off the topic and get you to the point where you're feeling bad about it so they can get off the hot seat. Now, number seven is that other one that I said kind of related to the one before. Number seven usually happens right after something sort of bad happens, like a bad consequence, maybe like a DUI or like forgetting a ball game or drinking too much, family event or a special occasion. In this type of example, the person may tell you that the bad thing only happened because there's an excuse. It only happened because it was Super Bowl. It only happened because I was with my buddies from college and they just always drink too much. It only happened because I was drinking liquor, and, you know, when I drink that certain thing, it makes things worse. Again, this is another one not just designed to manipulate you, but also likely to manipulate themselves. And what happens is any person can take any one bad that happened because of an addiction, and they can make a reason why that could happen. And honestly, it's convincing because you can think, well, okay, I could see that that maybe happened to me before that could happen to anybody. But the point isn't not to look at any one incident. Any one incident doesn't make an addiction anyways. You have to have a lot of them. The point is to back up and look at do you have a lot of these incidences and to look at the big picture and connect the big dots. Not anyone specific but the big picture and the fact that there's kind of like a lot of these incidences occurring. And what does mean it's really easy to get thrown off track because a lot of these things that the person is saying it does have merit. Maybe there was a special circumstance, maybe they do need to cut back. Maybe they did quit for 30 days. So it's not that these things are completely untrue, but it's not the whole picture. And for the most part these are just deflection tactics. Now don't forget I put the link to that manipulation guide for you in the description. And up next I'm actually going to link the entire manipulation playlist up here because my goal is to make sure you are always five steps ahead of addiction and I want you to know you're being manipulated when it happens and more importantly, I want you to know how to respond. So watch these videos. Next I'd like to send a big heartfelt thanks to all of you who help support this channel. Your likes, shares and donations are helping us spread the message of recovery and without you, this wouldn't be possible. Now this next video has been hand selected to go right along with this one. And don't forget to check the description for additional resources.
