My addiction kept me stuck in a severe shame, blame, anger cycle

Addiction kept me stuck in the shame, blame, and anger cycle, and I thought I would never get out. Just this week, I was talking to one of my clients who was telling me about how when he first sort of started trying to get into recovery, he tried so hard to keep his addiction a secret. He didn't want to acknowledge it to anyone. He was trying to basically stay away and hide from the people that knew him because he felt embarrassed and ashamed. And he felt like. Kind of like the secret was out and that he had made a fool of himself and that everyone knew, but they weren't talking about it. And that feeling, that feeling of shame and embarrassment really kept him isolated for such a long time. And he was talking to me about how when he finally started to venture out into the world and reconnect with some of his friends and colleagues, that he really, for the most part, received a really kind, accepting, encouraging, kind of welcome back, really. And. And he. Almost every week, he tells me another story about how he ran across a person he hadn't seen in a while and how, you know, they seemed really supportive and really kind. But he also says that occasionally somebody will say something to him and. And it just hits him in the wrong way, and he can get really defensive and angry at them. And he was. He was trying to explain to me. He's like, I have a really hard time even explaining to you what the difference, because sometimes this person might say something to me, and it doesn't bother me at all. You know, I don't take it as, you know, any kind of attack whatsoever. And then another person might make a comment toward me, and immediately I'm defensive and my walls go up. And sometimes I can just be downright mean. And this conversation with this client is actually what prompted me to want to talk about this topic today, which is the shame, blame, anger cycle. So let's take a look at what is actually going on inside this client and inside of all the rest of us, too, honestly. Now, today we're going to talk about it related to addiction, but everything I'm going to tell you actually applies to pretty much anyone. We all do this. We can all be triggered. It's just that with addiction, we tend to have more things that we feel ashamed of. And because we have more things that we feel ashamed of, where we get triggered more, so we get stuck in the cycle more often or deeper, however you want to put it. But we all have this. And this also applies. I know a lot of people that watch this channel are watching because you have an Addicted loved one. But even as a family member, you can very easily get yourself caught in the shame, blame, anger cycle. So let's take a look at it now. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the shovel down. This YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction and recovery so that you're always five steps ahead and you can get back to living the life that you want to live. All right, let's get on with our topic. Many of you, many, actually, many, many family members have either talked to me about in session or written something in the comments somewhere about how when they say certain things or ask certain questions to their loved one, they get like the immediate spikes. I call it like the pufferfish method, right? Where the other person just lashes back. And sometimes for the family member, it's almost like, holy crap, did I just up on a landmine I didn't even know was there? Like, a lot of times you hit these shame buttons and you don't even know you hit them. But what you get in response is a lot of anger. And a really common thing people do when you hit their shame button. And they're. And that creates an anger response, which we'll talk about in just a second while that is. But they will then shift back onto you and they will tell you everything you've ever done wrong and how you're a no good, lousy person and all your flaws. And if you're on the receiving end of this, it can be like, what the heck? You know, you're just like, what I say, what I do, like what? Oh, my gosh. And that leads us, as family members or people's family members, to feeling like you're constantly on that eggshell kind of living situation. Just you don't know when you're going to hit the trip wire. You don't know what it's going to set off. Never mind the moods and the ups and downs of. Of someone who's struggling with addiction, that they're moody and they're, you know, they're kind of like on a roller coaster. Not even talking about that. I'm just talking about with the you don't ever know what you're going to say or do wrong kind of thing. And the reason for that is I have a lot of shame buttons, right? And shame is really, really uncomfortable. I think it's the most uncomfortable human emotion that there is. And we all have certain shame buttons, right? And when it's really deep and we really care about it, when someone Just mentions it. Maybe they're not even trying to say something negative. Maybe they're not even trying to like put us down or attack us or anything. They just accidentally step on our shame button. That immediately can create an anger reaction. And, and there's a couple of reasons for this. Firstly, it creates an anger reaction because it makes the other person back off a lot of times, right? And so it's like a, you have crossed my boundaries and I'm about to make you pay for it. And you will not ever do it again because I'm gonna be so ugly to you about it. And so it's a protective defense mechanism which can be. It can feel almost like instinctual or reflexive, I guess is the word. That's one reason because it, it says back the F up is what it says. And the other reason is because. And this is almost like subconscious. I don't think people really like think about this. It's just an immediate reflex. The other reason is that because it's easier to feel angry than to feel shameful. Let's talk about shame for just a second, right? We all have certain things that we have shame about. Some really common things that people feel shame about would be think people have shame about certain aspects of their appearance. People have shame about finances, like they feel like they don't have enough money or they feel like they have too much money and other people judge them. People have shame about issues that have to do with sex. People have shame about their parenting skills or their career or lack of career or the fact that they have a career, but they should be home with their kids. We all have these, these things that we carry around inside that we feel like are defects, I guess I would say, or they're somehow make us wrong or broken. And what I would. We're gonna. Well, hold on that second. Gotta wait for that. I'm going to talk about how to. What's maybe a more productive way of dealing with shame. And, and some ways to try to get yourself out of this shame, blame, anger cycle. When we feel so bad inside all the time, we start looking for something or someone to blame. And like I said, a lot of this stuff is subconscious. It happens quickly. It's a defense mechanism. But we, we, when we feel bad, whatever immediately preceded us feeling bad, we think that's the cause of us feeling bad. Right? Somebody said something, I felt bad. You made me angry, you made me sad. You hurt my feelings. But a lot of times what's really going on there is just that we have these sore Spots. And when someone either purposely or accidentally steps on those buttons, it feels like they're the ones that are making us feel or do certain things, when actually it has a lot more to do with these sore spots we have, because it almost feels like. It's like if you have an open wound on your body and somebody touches it right immediately you're gonna jump back. You may even come at them or shove them, push them, hit them, something. Because it's. It's like, oh, my gosh, that hurts. It's a pain reflex. Well, that anger, it is. That anger is a reflex to hitting that shame button. Just like that physical reaction to someone. Like if you're hurt and someone touches you or something like that, it's that reaction you have. It's kind of like that similar. It's just like a psychological pain reflex. And just so you know, psychological pain is just as powerful and just as difficult to deal with as physical pain. And a lot of people would say even more so because physical pain is usually fairly temporary. And psychological pain can go on and on and on. If you're watching live or if you're watching on the replay, let me know if you agree with that statement that psychological pain is just as bad, if not worse than physical pain. Let me know what you think about that. So let's then talk a little bit about why we focus on the wrongdoings of others when they hit that spot. So we can have that immediate anger reflex when we're in the moment. Right? But the way we deal with that shame on a more sort of constant, regular, everyday kind of basis, is that we focus on other people's defects. You see, the more we judge ourselves, the more judgy we are of other people. Right? If you. Some people will tell me that they feel like they're judgmental people, and it's kind of interesting to hear people, like, say that or admit that out loud. But when someone tells me that, what I usually think to myself is that this person must be really critical of themselves. Because when you're not overly critical of yourself and you can have compassion and empathy for yourself, you can usually have more compassion and empathy for other people. And we're going to get to. We're going to come back to that and talk about how to get more that way, if that's something you feel like you struggle with. The more critical we are of ourselves, the more critical we are of other people. And let's face it, it's easier to focus on the wrongdoings of other people rather than Our own wrongdoings. I think I heard somebody say one time, like, the reason reality TV so popular is because it makes us all feel better about the rest of us, right? We're just focusing on how, like, crazy myself, these other people are. And we feel like, man, I'm in good shape compared to them, right? It's a way of deflecting from our own insecurities. So let's take a little shift here, and let's move into how do we get out of this cycle? How do we deal with this? And you guys know that I like all pathways to recovery, right? If you follow me, you know that, right? I like 12 steps. I like all the other ways, too. But I will say, one of the things I do like about 12 steps is they. They actually have some steps built into the program for dealing with shame. And I don't even know if you could find anywhere in the literature or find anybody that would even tell you that that's what's going on in these steps. But I'm telling you, that's why these steps are helpful. It's the ones about, make a list of your wrongs and your character defects, admit them to someone else, and then make amends for them. What's happening when you do that is you're actually taking those things that you feel horrible about on the inside that are. It's like toxic poison inside of you, right? And people struggling with an addiction, they just have a lot of it, and so it needs to be dealt with. You take that shame, and when you say it out loud and you address the issue, what happens is it turns from shame into guilt. And so you might think, what is the difference? Guilt is something that we feel when we feel like we did something wrong, right? We made a bad choice. We behaved in a way that doesn't fit with our value systems or with the value system of people, you know, around us. But shame is. Is deeper than that. It's more like, I am wrong as a person. I'm not a good person. It's. It goes more to the, like, core and heart of yourself worth, right? And it's very toxic. It's not helpful. It's not really helpful. Guilt is actually kind of helpful, right? It's a good indicator that we've behaved in a way that we probably shouldn't have behaved, right? So if you've done things in your past and you've behaved in ways that you regret or that you wish you wouldn't have, guess what? That's okay. We've all done it. I mean, I come on here every week and tell you guys how to deal with your addicted loved one. And I get on here every week and tell you what do and not do. And then I find myself all the time doing a lot of the same things I talk about, right? Because I'm human. And we all do that. We're all human. And I'll give you an example of how I didn't deal with the same thing. Very good. Just this week, I'll give you a little insider scoop on that. But when we can understand and have some compassion for ourselves, then we can turn that shame into guilt. And the guilt we can do something about, right? If I had a behavior that I dislike, I can change that behavior, right? I can do different next time. It doesn't mean that I'm a terrible, horrible human being. I've not met many people that were terrible, horrible human beings. A few people, I'll admit, I met a few people that I thought weren't, weren't great people, just their whole self worth just, just saying it. But most people, even though I deal with people that do a lot of bad things, are not bad people. In fact, they're like 95 great people. But some of these things that we do in certain situations, I'm not telling you to just let yourself off the hook and say, oh, well, everybody messes up. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is when you have that feeling inside, the first thing you need to do is identify that's what's going on with you and that's going to be easier for you to do if you can identify what your shame buttons are typically, what typically hits those real deep insecurities. That way, if you know what they are and someone hits it, you'll be more conscious of how you want to respond to that. You'll be able to make better, more logical decisions instead of jumping into that shame, blame, anger reflex kind of situation. Because the thing of it is, is after we act angry, guess what? Then we feel bad that we acted that way. And then we add one more thing to the shame pile and that's. It's a cycle. It's just a feedback loop that just keeps going and going and going and it's so frustrating. So first thing you need to do is what are you shame buttons? If you, if you feel real brave, put it right here in the comments, let me know what's your big button. And, and know this, we all have them. We all have those insecurities and a lot of times those things come from a long time ago. And we've been carrying that baggage for a really long time. And as we do, those buttons just get bigger and bigger and bigger. So know what your triggers are then when you get triggered, I want you to turn the light on it. You guys know I love talking about that. Addiction lives in the dark, right? Shame. Shame is addiction. Shame and addiction live together as roommates in the dark, right? And just like addiction, if you turn the light onto shame, it doesn't, it kind of like disappears when you talk about it out loud, you take its power away. And if you can acknowledge it to yourself, that's the first step to talking about loud, is to talk about it to yourself, is to realize, I'm really upset, I'm really triggered right now. And the reason I'm really triggered right now is because they hit this insecurity that I have. So this is, this is when you bring it from the subconscious into the conscious. And now you have some power and control. Now you have some decision making power here. And then what I want you to do is have some compassion and empathy for, for yourself. Talk to yourself the same way you would talk to a friend who had done the same thing. Those of you who really struggle with bad, negative self talk like you constantly just raking yourself over the coals and you tell yourself you're just a low down, dirty, no good piece of crap, you know, human being and you're just not worth nothing. Don't treat yourself that way. I'm not even saying that. Just be like, oh, don't treat yourself that way. Not even saying because of that. I'm saying don't treat yourself that way. Because when you treat yourself that way, you treat other people bad, right? Because you get in the shame, blame, anger cycle and you do more bad things. So don't. If you can't do it for yourself, don't do it. Get yourself out of it for the rest of us, right? Because it's just going to make you do more things that you feel bad about that you then feel that shame reflex about and understand that just because you make a bad choice doesn't mean you have to make that bad choice again. Just because you've dealt with something not very well in the past doesn't mean you're going to keep doing that. Right? It's a behavior, it's a thing, not a representation of who you are as a whole being. And I think that's where we get confused. We need to separate our mistakes from our true core Selves because we all make mistakes. And when you do this, it's not so much about telling yourself that you're perfect. It's about acknowledging that you're flawed. Right. And it's about acknowledging that you made a mistake. That's the healing power of the guilt. Right? I did something wrong, I made a mistake or I'm not dealing with something in my life, there's something going on. I'm not dressing or dressed wrong. It's okay to do that. We need to do that. It's also okay to acknowledge that everybody has their tough spots right now. You can acknowledge that with a lot of humility without letting yourself off the hook. You gotta understand the difference. It's not just being sunshine and roses because that doesn't work. You know, you could. It reminds me of like old Saturday Night Live. If you guys, are you guys the fans of old, old school signals where he used to have like Stuart Smalley or Smalley or whatever his name was, he would like look in the mirror and make the affirmations. It's so cheesy. Like I would literally. Oh my gosh. It's just like it's cringe is what it is. That's not what I'm telling you to do. Telling you to acknowledge you made a mistake and deal with whatever about that mistake makes you feel bad and move on. Beating yourself up, it's not going to cause you nothing but make more bad mistakes. I promise you right now. Just for a little get on my soapbox or something here. I guess one of the worst ways that you can parent a child is by using shame. And a lot of, you know, it's almost like a, a stereotype in certain cultures that like, I think it's almost like a stereotype if your mom was Catholic or if your mom's Jewish or something like that, that they put the guilting on you. Right. That's a really bad way to parent because what you're doing is you're taking the, the self worth of that young person and you're destroying it. And one of the best things you can do for your children is to help them separate their behaviors, which maybe sometimes aren't so great, from who they are as a person. And the, the way that you can do that is you can. It's not about ignoring bad behaviors, right? If, if, if, if your kid steals something, if your kid lies about something, if your kid whatever, right? If they do something like that. Yeah. You need to acknowledge that the behavior wasn't appropriate and maybe wasn't Even acceptable, right? But you need to separate that from who they are. And, and one way to get people to really, especially kids, but adults too honestly to realize and, and have that appropriate guilt response is to have empathy maybe for why they did that. Now, what I'm telling you here about the parenting thing also applies to when you're dealing with someone else in your life who's maybe not making the best choices. Like, for example, if you have an addicted loved one, right? One of the worst ways to try to get someone to change is to hit their shame buttons. Number one, they're not gonna be nice to you back, right? It's only gonna make you madder and you're not gonna get anywhere. Number two, you're going to keep them stuck, right? And you want to help them to separate a behavior or a choice or an addiction from who they are as a, as a person in general. Because if you want someone to get better, one of the things that has to be there is they have to believe they can get better. And if you're constantly telling them that they're never going to get better and they're just a screw up and they just make everyone's life ruined around them, which might be somewhat true in some situations. They just, you're not, you're not putting the right building blocks in there for them to get better. So be very mindful of that. Speaking of that, I actually made you guys a cool little like cheat sheet checklist. I actually made two of them. It's called say this, not that. And I've actually got two versions of it. I've got one version of it that's four family members. It kind of goes through, gives you like real life examples of instead of saying this, like really common thing that family members say, say this instead. It's a way of getting at the same thing much more effectively. And a lot of what you're doing there is you're bypassing the shame button. You're addressing the issue without hitting that button. That's only going to blow up in your face anyway, right? And I also made a version of it for those of you who are struggling with an addiction, maybe you currently are struggling with it, maybe you've struggled with it in the past and you're working on your recovery. And, and it's called I call that one instead of say this, not that. I call that one, think this, not that. Okay? And I've, I'm gonna put the link, and I think it already is. If it's not, I'll put it there at the end in the description for you so that you guys can download those examples. And I think you're gonna see, see some really straightforward, easy to understand switches in thinking and communicating that's just going to make everything better that much faster. Because you're just going to get better faster if you don't have to stop and deal with these big crises and these big blow ups because you accidentally hit the shame button. Whether it's in someone else or in yourself. Telling you is more counterproductive. When you beat yourself up, it's even worse than when someone else beats you up. Right? It really is. It keeps you stuck a lot longer. All right, now, since I. Since I want to prove to you guys that I make my mistakes too, okay? And I just gave you that big old, like soapbox thing about the parenting thing. Tell you something I did this morning. That's right, this morning. Very recent, right? Tell y' all story. So my son Weston, he's 10 and he's in the fourth grade and there's a. A girl in his school. I guess there was like an email that went out, like announcement thing to the parents or whatever. There's a girl school that is, I think she. She's a patient at Satan Jude's Hospital for something. I don't know what. Obviously probably something serious. And she's doing this little thing where she. For Valentine's where she's taking up. She got these big collection boxes at school, like Squish, Squish Mellows. Do you all know what those are? Those are those fun things that kids just sound like a stress ball. But they're like fun shapes and interesting things and you just squish them. And poppets, those are those fun things that are like popular right now. And you just. They're kind of rubbery and you just pop the little thing through. They're just fidgeted things, really. Anyways, so she's taking up squishmallows and poppets. So I got a big fun squishmallow the other day at Walmart or something. Looks like a big cupcake's real cute. And I gave it to my son Weston. And I said, hey, take this school and drop it off in the donation box because they're taking them up or whatever. He's like, okay, okay. Well, I gave it to him like last week and he hadn't put it in the donation box. I'm like, weston, why didn't you put that in the donation box? He's like, I don't know. I'm like, do you know where it is? He's like, yeah, it's right there by the stairs, right up to class. Why are you not putting it? And I know why he's not putting. He's not putting it because he's like real shy. I have no idea why. He just feels embarrassed about like throwing the thing in the box. Even though it's kind of silly to me, right? And the way I dealt with that was as I said this to him. This is the bad part. Ready? I said, weston, are you serious? You don't even care about the poor sick kids in the hospital. You can't even drop a squishmallow in the dry box just because you feel embarrassed. That's what I said to him. Yep, I did it. And then I kind of caught myself doing it. So then I kind of switched it and made it a little light hearted and we both had a little laugh about it. But telling you I was going down the guilt, the guilting, the shaming thing as a parent this morning about, about a stupid little thing like that, right? I was like, look at you, you're just caring about yourself. You don't care about the sick kids in the St. Jude's Hospital or something, right? We all mess it up sometimes, right? But guess what? With almost everything, we get a second chance and we get tomorrow almost every time. And we can do it differently tomorrow, right? Let's take a look at who's here. I want you guys to join in this conversation. Let me know what you think about this topic. Let's see, we got a lot of people here with us. Hello, Rachel and Aaron and Sarah sue and Deb, Justine. Let's see. C says, he says, I love her. That southern accent. Hey, thanks. I appreciate that. Let's see here. Are you from the South Sea? Like do you like it because you're from the south or do you like it because it just sounds like crazy? Because it does not like people where you live talk. All right, here. Sarah sue says hi from Iowa. Thank you for talking about this. What if your loved one isn't able to acknowledge having shame? Denies having any? Well, first of all, we all have it. It's like when somebody tells me they never tell. I'm like, come on, dude, now you're telling a big one right now, right? We all have it. I think one of the things you might could do, Sarah, is maybe they just feel shame about the fact that they have shame. I don't know. Right? And they're so insecure they can't admit it, Right. You kind of have to be secure enough in yourself to admit your flaws. Right. So one of the things you might try is don't use the word shame, right? Maybe use the word embarrassed or regret or insecure about or something like that. Maybe they just have some kind of block around that word and they just don't like it, so they don't want to acknowledge it. Maybe that's it. Another thing you can do is you can role model being comfortable with your own flaws, and you can help people acknowledge their flaws easier when they see that you're comfortable with your flaws and that you're not going to be judgmental towards them or other people. So those are two just quick little strategies that might help if you're in that situation. Let's see. Rachel says, I agree, it can be hurtful, embarrassing, or even cause anxiety. Yes. Sierra from Cleveland. Hello. Let's see. Eric says, my wife gets a couple of years sober and relapses. I always believe the shame and maybe ego is why she keeps her alcoholism and recovery hidden from the world. Thinking about that for a second, Aaron, Let me just look at that. She gets a couple of years sober, relapses. Well, the first thought I had about that is she gets a couple of your. So pretty impressive. Actually. One of the reasons, and you could be right here, one of the reasons why people don't want to tell that they have an addiction issue is because they feel shameful about it, right? And they feel like other people can judge them. That is 100. Definitely a thing that happens, right? Another thing that happens is people don't want to tell other people that they have an addiction to a certain substance because they don't want to burn that bridge of having the option of. Of doing that. Subs Especially if it's like drinking, right? I might not want to tell everyone that I'm alcoholic because what if I change my mind? Side I want to drink again with my buddies and my brother, and if they know I'm alcoholic, it kind of takes that off the table. So I don't. I don't know for sure in your situation, Eric, why your wife does that. It's probably a combination of a lot of reasons, but. And I don't. I'm not telling you this to tell this to her, Eric, but I'm just telling you that addiction lives in darkness, and it literally, it. It eats shame. Right. And in order to get better from it, we do have to shine a light on it, and we don't have to Stand on top of the building, announced to everybody every bad deed we ever did. Right. But when we try to recover in secrecy, it really just doesn't work. Mostly because of the accountability thing. Right. Is too easy to slip back when no one knows. Let's see. Sierra says, I agree. My fiance got a rehab in December and relapsed. Kept it a secret. And of course, I think the shame was part of why he kept it hidden. But it showed itself. I like a couple of things that you're saying this year. Number one, you're saying it showed itself. And as I tell you, family members this all time, you do not have to chase it. You don't have to look for it, you don't have to spy on it. You don't have to dig up any evidence, because if it's an addiction, it will show itself. There's no way to stop it from showing itself because it's the nature of addiction. It's unmanageable and it's going to show. So I like that you're realizing that, Sierra. Part of the reason why your loved one may have not admitted the relapse is because they do feel shameful, and part of it is because they're using and they don't want to be stopped. And if they admit they've been in relapse, then they're going to have to address it. And that's that whole addiction thing. It's sneaky, right? It's a little of this and a little of that. Let's see here. Justine says I need to learn to pause that anger because I just keep making mistakes and hurting other people and making things worse. I love your humility here, Justine. You're. You're admitting it. You're saying it out loud. You're saying I get upset and reactive, and then I just say and do things I wish I button. One of the best things you can do, Justine, is figure out what. What your buttons are, right? So it's almost like, sorry, Amazon guy must be here something. Dog's gone crazy. You can. Once you know what those buttons are, you're more prepared. If someone hits it right when it just comes out of left field, that's when you. You can get reactive and that impulse control can kind of fly out the window. Hey, Lucas, see here? Laura says you should do a podcast on Spotify. I know, everyone tune in. I was actually thinking about turning some of my videos into podcast recently, but I couldn't decide if that was something that would be useful for other people or not. You guys Tell me, do you. Would it be easier to listen in podcast? I don't know. I thought about it. See here, Donna says during the two years following my husband giving up alcohol addiction and his infidelity, he used the shame and guilt cards for not reconnecting with me. So what you're saying is he. He used it as an excuse to not rebuild trust. He used it as an excuse to not put the work in as far as like the relationship recovery. And there could be some truth in it, right? There could. It could be true and you could be using it as an excuse. Both things can be happening at the same time, right? Hey, Ronnie from Idaho, let's see what E says. He says empathy works. As a former police officer, I can absolutely tell you I viewed almost all suspects as good people who made a bad decision. Showing empathy enabled them to confess to a crime. You know what, E, you may know this about me already, but the thing I really like, my secret, like passion on the side is listening to true crime. And I love to watch recorded interrogations and try and get people to admit to crimes. And that's what I always worked. Right. You know, on tv it's always like, I'm gonna threaten you, I'm gonna scream at you, I'm gonna throw you up against the wall and they're going to confess. No, that's not what works. E is right. If you're kind and you show empathy and you can come at them non judgmentally, you're a lot more likely to get a confession. And if you don't believe me, you can go on YouTube and you can watch real life interrogations and you'll see it time and time and time again. In fact, it's interrogation tactic. And I think maybe one of the reasons why I like that is because they use the same tactics as I use in session. It's just a police officer is trying to get a confession to hold you accountable to the law. And I'm trying to get a confession so that you can address the issue and get better. Right. Sometimes you just need to admit what's going on so we can do different. But it's the same tactics. Right? And it works either way. I love, I love that you said that. Hey, Heather. Thank you. I'm glad. Thank you for sharing my videos. Let's see. Eric says, are you familiar with Matt and Sherry say list book Sober Revolution and shout out Echoes of recovery thoughts? I'm not familiar with that book, Sober Revolution. I like the name of it. I might check it out. I don't know that book. Let's see here. C.R. says my son has shame from all the stupid stuff he has done while using. And now that he's using less, it's the source of a lot of emotional pain which caused him to want to use again. Vicious cycle. And you're right, CR Because I like to say when we, we come out of that cloud of addiction and our, you know, our thinking clears and we see things clearly, it's. It's not a good site we're looking at, right? Most of the time we've made a big time mess of our lives, our situations. We've done so many things we feel embarrassed and humiliated about. And that's. It's kind of like that story I was telling you in my client at the beginning, right? Like he was so shameful he couldn't talk about it, wouldn't address, was keeping him stuck. It was keeping him stuck in the addiction. In fact, he didn't even want to be using the drugs anymore. But the shame was keeping. Keeping him stuck more than the addiction was keeping him stuck. Justine says what are. What videos are best to stop the cycle. The person that is most known for talking about the shame cycle is Brene Brown. And she's got that famous YouTube talk, she's got lots of books, and she is on point. So if you don't know about her work, you should definitely check her out. Ronnie says, I have been judgmental and tried tough love with my addict. Now she refuses to talk to me about it. You know what, Ronnie? We've all done it, right? We've, we've. Even those of us who try to be compassionate and empathetic, we lose it sometimes and we just say what we're thinking when we wish we didn't. And so you can join the club with the rest of us. I'm just saying you're human. What you can do, though, if you feel like something else might have been more effective, is you can. The best way to bridge that gap is to admit that to the person. It'll heal it fast. If you, if you just say, you know what? In the past, I've not handled myself the way I should have, and I did this and this and this and that one time when I said whatever you said, I shouldn't have said it, it was wrong and I didn't mean it and I regret it. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna react to you that way anymore. If you get the chance, if you can say that, then you. It goes a long way to healing the trust because it. With the other person, because it's you acknowledging you wish you would have done something different. Even if you meant what you said, you might regret the fact that you said it, you know, and you can still say, I should not have said those hurtful things. That was out of bounds and not helpful. And I get, Let's see, Carrie says, do you offer intervention services? If not, where would I look for help with a conversation with my alcoholic husband? I think is what AH stands for. Is that right, Carrie? We teach something. Our way of intervention is called the invisible intervention. And it's a way of interacting with your loved one that will get them to, number one, get out of denial and get them to take steps towards recovery. It's, it's. We literally teach you the most scientifically proven, effective techniques are out there. And you. In most of my videos, I don't think I've got in the description of this video yet, but if you look at most any of my other videos, you'll see in the description a link to learn more about the invisible intervention. It'll sort of walk you step by step on how to have conversations, how to influence them in a positive way, and it really will build a lot on the kind of things that we're talking about here. And also, don't forget to get that free download that is in the description because that is also very helpful about how to talk to someone who has an addiction and how to say things in a way that's. That's a lot more effective and going to get communication open instead of shut it down. Hope that that's helpful. Gloria says when an addict starts acting mean out of nowhere and starts being verbally abusive randomly, does that mean I unknowingly triggered shame? It could, Gloria. That is a possibility. There are other reasons why that happens. One reason why that happens is some substances make people mean and nasty and angry. Right? And so they could be acting that way. I don't know what substance your loved one uses or doesn't use, but depending on the substance, it could be this. A literal. It's a symptom of the substance. It can be. It can also be, and I have a whole video about this, like how people use starting an argument as a manipulation tactic. It's a deflection tactic. If I get nasty and ugly with you, it shifts the subject. It takes the heat off of me. So I'd have to probably know more about the specifics of a situation where that happened to be able to tell you more for sure about whether or not. That's why that's happening. But it could be. Danielle says, I stopped drinking and always think I can handle it. It's like clockwork. It spirals, then back to alcohol for breakfast. I found a way to stop it. It is awesome. I just found a way to stop. Well, Danielle, tell us what your way to stop is. Don't hold a secret. We want to know what you did. Might work for someone else, right? I love what you're saying here, though, Danielle is like, I always think I can handle it. Now, if someone has been sober for a while and they relapse back, that's probably not because of shame. I'm just being tricked. They might tell you that because it sounds better, but probably it's because you decided in your head somewhere along the way that it's going to be different this time. Just like what Danielle's saying. I love. I'm so happy you said that, Daniel. Because people will say, I realized. Because I was stressed, I realized. I'm not talking about, like, if you've been sober 72 hours, I'm talking about when you've been sober a while, right? And you relapse, it is probably because you think you can handle it this time or it's going to be different, right? And. And just like Danielle, we have to try that a bunch of times before we figure out that that's just flat not true, even though we want it to be. PR USA says. Is this about food addiction? The shame cycle can definitely be related to food addiction. Is that what you're asking? Certainly that can be something people are shameful about. It can absolutely be one of those big hidden insecurities and buttons. If you're asking, is the channel about food addiction, the channel itself isn't necessarily about food addiction. It's just about addiction in general. And it's about helping families understand all the different angles of it. But I'm kind of glad you said it because I've been getting asked a question a lot in the comments recently about why I don't talk about, like, nicotine addiction or sugar addiction or caffeine addiction so much. And so because you asked that question, it gives me a chance to actually say that the reason I don't talk about those, it's not because I don't really. It's not because I don't see them as serious issues. But you can have dependencies on nicotine, you can have dependency on sugar, you can have dependency on caffeine. But let's be honest, it doesn't ruin Your life the way that drugs and alcohol do, or gambling addiction or sex addiction. Right. And so I don't want to say that in a minimizing way, but isn't it's more of a dependency issue than an addiction issue? And it's hard to separate those two things. I do have a video about the difference in dependency and addiction, if you want to check that out. But I'm glad that you asked that question. I'm not saying it's any less serious. Well, I guess I am saying it's a little less serious. I had a client who. This was a client I had. It's actually a family member who's not someone who was addicted. And I thought this was hilarious. And he said this to me. I thought it was so funny and insightful. He said, one time I quit drinking for a whole year just because I want to see if I could do it. And you know what? My life got so much better. It really did. I felt better. I did better. I was more productive. I was happier. My life got better. He said, and one time I quit drinking caffeine for a whole year. My life didn't really get that much better. And I just laughed. And I was like, yeah, I can kind of go with you there. I can see it. Right. So a lot of people ask me that because I don't ever press clients about trying to stop nicotine or caffeine or sugar. And. And the. And the reason is a couple. One, because you only have so much willpower. And I want you to put your willpower towards this thing over here that's really destroying your life at the fastest rate. Those other things can destroy your life, but not at the rate that the other addiction scan. Right. It's kind of like triaging the situation. And secondly, because I don't. I just don't want you to use up your willpower on this because you only have so much. And I want you to focus it over here. And a lot of people in recovery eventually go back and they address those other issues, too. But sometimes you got to do one thing, one thing at a time. All right, everybody, thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much for joining us. Don't forget, the link to those resources are in the description. And up next, more about the psychology of addiction, the mental processes that keep us stuck and the mental processes that will get us out. I will see you guys next Thursday.