Amber Hollingsworth explains why asking an addict if they're using doesn't work: they'll lie automatically. Instead, say what you see. Use "I noticed" or "I see that" and watch your tone. A statement lands better than a question.
One of the first things you can do if you're in this I accuse them and they lie situation is don't ask a question you know the answer to, right? That's the simplest thing you could do. Don't say, have you been doing X, Y, or Z when you know it's happening? Because you're going to get that automatic lie, which is going to make you furious, right? Because it's the lying more than anything else that makes us so dang upset, right? So just don't ask the question. Make a strategic decision about whether pointing it out is helpful or not. Sometimes it isn't, right? If you need to point it out because it's the strategic decision, then Just say, hey, I noticed, or hey, I see that blank is happening. And watch your tone when you say it, but don't ask it in a question form because you really do get that automatic denial response, which makes everybody so much more upset.
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