Once An Addict Always An Addict (True or False?)

True or false. Once an addict, always an addict. You guys let me know what you think in the comments. Give me a T for true or an F for false. If you're watching live, then you can put that in the chat. And once we get some a few answers up there, then I'm going to give you my answer to that question. While we wait for those, I want to say hello to everyone who's joining us live and also, and also the people that are joining us on the playback. If you're new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth and this YouTube channel is all about helping you out smart addiction. We are going to talk about if it's curable or not curable. And I'm going to give you a little instruction, a little practical how to on what to do to get closest to the cure. All right everybody, the, the answer to the question is yes and no, but mostly yes. Let me explain my thinking behind that now. The saying, once an addict, always an addict, it's been around forever. And you can replace any word you want, like addicted to whatever it is. And that can be alcohol or even like the non substance addictions, any of that stuff. It all applies. Fill in the blank. The reason why that statement is true is because once you have an addiction to something, you'll probably never be able to manage that something again. So it's kind of like if you have an addiction to alcohol, even if you're sober like 10 years, 20 years, and you go back to drinking, it's almost 100%, I would say probably like 99% that it is going to be very problematic again in a pretty quick timeline as to add to the issue, that's why they say once an addict, always an addict. And there's some truth in that because from a biological level you're building sort of more neuroreceptor sites for those chemicals. The more you use, the more of them you build. And that's how the tolerance works. That's how our tolerance grows and grows and grows. And those like monster mouths is what I like to call them. Once you grow them, they don't go away, they don't die, but they can and will go into hibernation if you quit feeding them. And so that's the part where I say addiction is curable. If you starve these little monster mouths out, they'll shut up and leave you alone almost 100% completely. So a good way to think about it might be kind of like we think about cancer. Like they'll say, you know, you can have cancer, but you could also be in remission. I like to think about addiction like it's in remission. Like there are no signs of it, no. No indications of it present at a given time. I would call addiction. I would say it's in remission, and I would say that it's cured at that point. Because I think when we say the thing to people, once an act, always an addict. Sometimes that can be misconstrued into it's always going to be this hard. I'm always going to want it. You know, my life is just going to be terrible from here on out. I'm just going to be fighting it for my whole life. And that's not true. Once you get those monster mouths to go to sleep, it gets easier and easier and easier, and eventually it'll die down to the point where you might have, like, a thought every now and then. Like, oh, you know, that would be nice right now. And it's just a thought that, like, jumps in your head and jumps out and nothing more than that. As long as you don't reactivate those little monster mouths, you are in the cured situation because you can even eventually, most people can be around it and not use. They. It just doesn't bother them anymore. And you. You won't see any of the symptoms of it present if they just get away from it completely. Now where people mess up is they think, okay, I've been good for so long. You know, I'm cured now. I can go back to that substance or that addictive behavior or whatever it is, and I can pick it back up and it won't be addictive anymore. That is where it does not work. And if I had to say that there is one biggest mistake that people make that keeps them stuck in the cycles of addiction. That is the cycle that is the hardest thing to convince people of is that once it's unmanageable, it's probably not going to go back to manageable. In fact, I don't even want to say probably. I'm going to say it's not going to go back to a manageable level. Especially, you know, if you're to the point you're watching these videos or you've come to see me or you've went to some, like, meetings or something, you've probably crossed that line. Line of, like, no return. Used to, back in the old school days when Bill and Dr. Bob was around, they called it an allergy. And that's also another good way to think of it, a way to think of it is my body doesn't react well to this substance or this behavior. If it's a behavior addiction, all of a sudden I have these allergic reactions and all this crazy stuff happens and it causes a lot of consequence and it does not work for me. So that's another way you can think of it. You can think of it like an allergic reaction. So is it curable? Yes. But it's also important to always keep in the back of your mind that it's there and remember that yes, it can be reactivated and it's not going to like go away, but it does go into hibernation. Now that question about whether it's curable also connects to another really logical question, which I think this is a good time to address it as well. And that's like, do I have to be going to like meetings or counseling appointments for the rest of my life to make sure it stays in remission? And the answer to that is no as well. Now, if you belong to like 12 step communities, you get these messages about if you stop coming, you're going to relapse. And that's another one of those sayings that's sort of true, but not really. They say that because for the most part, when people quit coming, they do relapse, but it's not because they quit going to the meetings. You know what it is? It's because they forgot what I just told you in part one, which is is not going to go back to manageable. That's what happens that causes people to relapse. The thing about going to the meetings or the counseling or whatever it is, is it just reminds you that that's truth. So, you know, having some way of keeping it in the front center of your mind, that it is still there. We don't want it in the front center in the way that it's like always hard or that you have to give it much attention. We want it to be front and center in the way that you just remember this doesn't work for you, okay? Like if you have a nut allergy, you have a nut allergy is going to be there. Let's not test it because it's not going to end well. That that's the part about the going to the meetings or the counseling. Once you get into like a maintenance phase of it, then mostly maintaining recovery or sobriety or whatever you want to call it, it's mostly about sanity management. So the things that you can do to help yourself or any thing that helps you keep your sanity. So you may want to continue to go to counseling to deal with other stresses in your life, but it doesn't necessarily have to be, like, focused on the addiction. I think a lot of people in the recovery process get frustrated when they're told you're gonna have to go to meetings forever, or it's all anyone ever wants to talk about it, or their family is like, on eggshells about it forever, you know, and if they miss a meeting, it's like, oh, my gosh, you're gonna relapse, you know, and they get all, like, the stares and the smell checks and all the stuff. But we got to pull that back. Because most people that get sober and stay sober, I mean, once you get past that year, Mark, it's not like you're home free. But once you get past that year, Mark, I promise you, your life does not revolve around it anymore. It is not consuming your thoughts. It is not even that tempting for you anymore. It does take a while to get to that point. But as long as you don't convince yourself that this, this time will be different, you're going to be good. And if you need to go to a meeting every day for the rest of your life to remember that, then do it. If you need to watch an Amber video, if you need to listen to podcast or read books or have a recovery coach that calls you up every day and reminds you, btw, that's still in there, then monster miles, don't wake them up. Then you do that. But for some people, continuing to go to the meetings and everything else almost reminds you of it in a way that can be kind of activating, as in activating the cravings. So you have to really think about yourself. What do you get out of going to counseling? Do you leave feeling better? You know, does hearing the stories from meetings and other people's stories, does that help you keep it in the front of your mind? Like, hey, watch out, because this is an issue and it's in there and you don't need to mess with it. If it does that for you, then. Then keep going as long as forever if you want to. But if it's a trigger for you, there is a time where people can stay sober and they don't have any active addiction treatment, addiction support, or anything. I know I'm scaring you family members to death when I'm saying that. I know I am because y' all are thinking every. Don't say that, because that's what my loved one's going to say, and they're Going to say they don't need those meetings anymore and they're good. And I don't want you to say that. It is helpful to have that for a while, but you don't have to have it forever, you know? If you have diagnosed with depression or anxiety today, does that mean you always have depression and anxiety? No. Hopefully. No. Right? You get treatment, you get better, and you move on with your life. That's the whole point. I tell people all the time, the whole point of seeing me is to not have to see me anymore. And it doesn't hurt my feelings. It doesn't hurt my feelings when people stop coming to see me because they're better. And better makes me happy. Right? Because I know that we've done what we're supposed to do together and now they can move on and live their life. That's the point. So when you're talking to your loved one about recovery, it's important for you to understand that. And it's important for you to even be able to convey, hey, it's not going to be like this forever. It's not going to be this hard. You're not going to have to devote as much time to it. It's just that in the beginning, it does need to be, like, priority. And you have to, like, do a lot of things to make sure you get them monster mouths to go to sleep. But once you get them good and snuggy, you know, in there, then they're all right. Just don't go messing with them and you're gonna be okay. Let's say hello to some of our people who are live here today. We will answer a couple questions. I will tell you, though, that we're not gonna go as long today because I gotta go pick up my son. He's got an orthodontist appointment. So I want to jump. I want to make sure we get your questions before I hop off of here. I will be putting up a video for you up next about building connection. Because if there is a cure for addiction, it's connection. It's like the opposite of addiction. So the thing that fixes it is connection. And what helps us feel connected to other people is when we feel seen and heard. And that's another reason why people go to meetings because they feel seen and heard. You know, just hearing other people's stories and makes you feel seen and heard because you're like, oh, my gosh, they're telling my story. And that makes you feel connected to other people. But you can also feel connected to your Family. You can also feel connected to your kids. You can also feel like even connected to your mission and purpose in life. As long as you're getting that somewhere, that's going to help keep them monster mouths closed down asleep. I forgot to say it. Almost. So up next is a video about that. But in the meantime, let's take some questions. Questions. Let's see here. Hey, Jennifer. Jennifer says I say not cured but controlled. Yeah, I can say that. My nephew Lenny says if addiction is a disease like AA and NA says it can't be cured. If it's not a disease like science says, then it can't be cured because it doesn't exist. Not exactly. Because you know, I have some videos on here, Lenny, about, you know, this whole idea. If it's a disease or it's not, it can sort of like turn into an illness. But I don't really call it a disease. And it can be, it can definitely be cured or at least in remission. Hey, is it Matta and Leah and Sonya? Sonya says I would like to know the answer. Can it be cured? I'm so tired of my husband relapsing with his alcohol addiction. It's reaping havoc on our family and our marriage. I can definitely understand where you're coming from, but I promise you, Sonia, that that isn't happening because addiction can't be cured. That is happening because your husband keeps convincing himself that he can do it differently. And it's frustrating because people have to figure that out over and over and over again until they like really, really figure it out. And once they figure it out, it gets better. But they have to keep that in the front, in the front of the knowing part of our brain. And when they forget it, that's when it can come back. Let's see, I got a bunch of trues and falses up here. You're all right. Whether you said the true or the false, you kind of all right, there's no wrong answer. Hey, Alan. Alan. Is it Alan or Elaine from Switzerland? And Dawn, I appreciate you as well. Dawn. Let's see. Mad Titan says girlfriend is an alcoholic, went to rehab last year, still drinks every day, has a 25 year old adult child that she enables feeling like leaving Mad Titan, I know you are not in the boat alone. There's a lot of people even watching right this very minute who can understand what you're saying. Even though you know addiction can be cured. Even though if you watch this YouTube channel and you get a lot of advice on how to fix it, there does come a point when you say, okay, I still think this person can be cured, but I can't stick around and wait for that to happen. Right. There is a time when it is time to walk. But I'm definitely not one of those people who says that you're powerless and there's nothing you can do to help that other person. Because I don't. I don't agree with that. You know, another reason why people feel like addiction can't be cured is because they feel like, you know, you hear people say all the time, like, addiction treatment rates are so low and we must not have the right treatment. Or maybe we don't have enough treatment. But I disagree with that as well. Addiction treatment works. There's all different kinds of it, and it pretty much all works. It's whether or not the person will do what they're taught to do in the addiction treatment. If they do, it will work whichever direction you want to go with it. But it's when we convince ourselves that it's going to be different. Like, I can use this substance and it's not going to get me in trouble, or I can now moderate my drinking and it'll be fine. Or I can just do this, or I can just do it on holidays or whatever, just on vacation. It's that thought that lets the door come open for the relapse to come in. And when you mix that thought with some major stressors, now you have a seriously bad formula for relapse. But it's not because treatment didn't work. Just treatment is effective. You know, it's kind of one of those things you get out of it what you want to get out of it. Sometimes it works and people remember that for a long time and then they forget and they learn that lesson again. Paradise Lover says, my son has gone from alcohol to drugs to different drugs. He's always addicted to something. So for your son, it's. It's like, okay, this drug or addiction gets out of control, but this one's going to be different. Well, okay, I won't use that anymore, but now this one's gonna be different. So he's still in that process. I call it bargaining. Okay, see, this is a old school recovery saying too. Let's put it up here. My son has an allergy to alcohol. It made him break out in handcuffs. That's been around for a long time. That's old school. I like it though. Star says my son has been clean and sober from alcohol for over 20 years. I no longer think of him as addicted, he really has put the problem to bed for good. He is blessed and successful. I'm glad you shared that with a star, because that's what we need to hear. Because people do get better. Long term better. Like way better. And it really does not rule their life anymore. You know, they move on, they function, they do all the things that they want to do. Jennifer says meetings are a reminder to be mindful. I like that that's true. Let's see here. WH says weed is my husband's addiction. That's a hard one. I don't know if you've seen my videos on marijuana addiction, but it's a hard one to deal with because it's really hard to get someone to see that it's causing them problems. And there's some other things in there too, but it's particularly difficult. Hello, My Michigan friend and Nancy. Nancy's here and he says, I see my son and his fentanyl addiction, and I wonder how it's possible. I believe he can, and I believe in him, but his fears. And he says he likes it. Can he ever even get to the recovery stage? In my mind, if you're still alive, you're still in the game. And everyone that's ever had an addiction would tell you at some point that they liked it and that it helps them. And a lot of times they'll tell you that even when they know that's not true. Like, even in the later stages, it's that defensive posture that people take. So sometimes they tell you that because they believe it and they're convinced. And then they just keep telling you that because they're just sort of like sticking to their guns about it even when they know it's not really true anymore. Let's see here. Ella says, I've been in active recovery for binge eating disorder for one year, four months. And I really feel like it's true. You stop thinking about it. Yeah, I mean, it's like a habit that you break. You know, I don't want to minimize addiction by saying, you know, it's like I have it like fingernail biting. But in some ways it is, right. If you. Once you build all those, like, new neural pathways, new habits, routines, people, places and things, it just doesn't control you like you think. And I said before, it's important to let people that are addicted know that because it feels like light at the end of the tunnel for them. You know, if. If you say you're always addicted, you're always going to have to go to meetings. That feels heavy and difficult and it makes you feel like hopeless and down and depressed, like, I don't know if I can do this if it's going to be this hard forever, but it won't. It gets easier and easier every single day. After about two weeks, I'll put that in there. Doesn't get easier and easier that first two weeks, but after that it does. Sandy says my daughter in law almost died at 32 from alcohol. She's now three years sober and doing amazing. She never went to one meeting after getting out of the hospital. Right. Whatever it takes for someone to understand, like, you have to let go of this, you have to get it out of your life. That's what it takes. And so for some people, it's just coming to terms with that. For some people it's going to meetings, treatment, counseling, all of it, whatever. But that's the key is just sort of understanding that. And then, you know, there's other things like, you know, building a life that you like, building other coping skills that come along. But that keeping that thought in there is the vital piece. Hanging out with Christy says how long should someone stay in sober living? My husband is going to one after being in rehab. It's an hour and a half away. Is it normal to go to sober living far from the spouse and children? Yes, it's fair. It's not uncommon to go to sober living far from the house and children. And some of that is because, you know, when you put someone back in their same old environment, people, places and things, and they haven't really developed all the coping skills they need is so, Okay, I'm back. It's so easy to fall back with the people, places and things. The reason they you want to go to sober living is to learn life coping skills, learn how to live life while being clean and sober. And so it's a good thing that your husband is going to sober living and it's okay for it to be a little distance away that's going to allow him not to fall back in the same patterns and routines while he builds coping skills. Sober living stays as far as how long. I would say if you're gonna do it, I think you should do it for at least three months. Six months is better. And if you're a young person in recovery and you've pretty much spent all of your adolescence and young adult life using the night, you know, up to a year, I would say if you're in that situation, but an adult who's been pretty functional, probably three Months, maybe six months. That's what I would say, but I'm saying that without knowing your husband, so it's a guess, of course. Jennifer says. Amber, if you have a moment, can you talk about tolerance upon relapse, Alcohol specifically? It does seem to start over. Yes. Sometimes people even will stop using for a while. They call it like a tolerance break, because they think, okay, if I stop using for, you know, 30 days, then when I go back, I won't have a high tolerance anymore. It'll be like it was in the beginning. And they're right for about five minutes. It doesn't take long for all of those monster mouths to wake back up. Usually, people are back to the same amount as it was before within a few days, a week, max, sometimes immediately. But that. That low tolerance does not last long. It springs right back to where you left off very, very quickly. I will say there's one little sort of thing I think I need to throw in there. When you have an opioid addiction, a lot of people, maybe they've been sober from opioid for 10 years, and when they initially first use, maybe they use the amount they used before. And that is very scary. That's what causes a lot of overdose and death. So. But the tolerance will come back. It'll come back pretty quickly. But it's dangerous if you try to use an opioid at the same amount you used when you stopped, because it does take a minute to, you know, to wake up. All those receptors for that tons come back. It won't take long, though. Trust me. Let's see. We got somebody with 20 days. Congrats. Got 20 days under my belt today, sober and glad my brain is not bugging me hourly. Yes. Is it getting a little quieter in there? The monster mouths are quieting them down a little bit. If so, that's what's supposed to be happening. Yeah. You're in the. You're in the part where life starts to look like, okay, I might can do this. I might be like a human being again. I feel a little better. So you are, like, past some of the really hard parts, which is amazing. Good for you. Heavenly angel says I have an adult son, 28 years old, who's gotten at least 4,000 out of me in a year. And now I have stopped enabling him, and he won't talk to me. He won't go get a job, and claims not to be on drugs. It's kind of sad to hear that, because, you know, as a mom, you know, it's like, if you stop giving them money and they stop talking to you. It really, like, hurts and hits home to be like, I guess the only reason they ever did talk to me was for the money. But I want you to know that it's not probably. It's probably not really your son driving the show. It's definitely the addiction. It's possible that he's not using drugs and doesn't have a job, but not likely. So I don't know that I would believe that. But that's a total guess. Reading three sentences. DJs travel says question and update. He still has change talk, but he has less. But he is less communicative and telling me he has to wood shop, in which to him means figure it out. Okay. It's. It's the thing he says. He says woodshop. Okay. I feel pushed away, but want to be supportive. I'm wondering, dj, if you're saying that he doesn't want to talk to you about anything or he just doesn't want to talk about this topic all the time. I think it's important to very, very purposefully not try to talk about this topic all the time. In fact, I think you should do it in very little intervals and for very short periods of time. When you do it because it is uncomfortable, it does remind them of, you know, bad stuff. Especially when you talk about, like, if. If whoever it is came to talk to me about it, whatever they've done hasn't hurt me personally. So it feels less shameful to talk to, like, a stranger about it, somebody meeting about it, sponsor, a counselor. But with your family, talking about it reminds you of all the bad things, and it's very uncomfortable. So, I mean, I don't think you should ignore the elephant in the room. But I also want families to know that, like, bringing you up all the time is a mistake, and it is going to make the person avoid you. So I would see if you can get them to just communicate with you about regular stuff, other stuff. Work on the connection piece. Robin S. Says, I heard from a therapist that an addict will typically trade one addiction for the other. True or false. I did a video probably three weeks back, Robin, and it's called something like addiction is really a hidden superpower. A lot of people that have addictions get labeled like addictive personality. And probably what that really means is really that they're like adhd, and they do tend to be prone to addictions. Most people that have addictions do have other addictions. And that's not always a terrible thing. If it's one substance after another substance that's not great. But if you can take some of those non productive addictions out and trade it for something, a more healthier addiction and that actually works in your favor, you know, it's your superpower and not your kryptonite. So will they always be like, you know, 100 miles an hour and enough is never enough and I always want more about stuff probably. So it's my philosophy to just point that in the right direction rather than try to not be that kind of person person. It's like let's direct that energy instead of saying, well I'm just going to be balanced probably if you're like that addict personality type, you're not going to be balanced and that's okay, you're not meant to be. Melinda says my son says going to too many minis actually triggers him. It's hard with that one Melinda, because a lot of times people say that as a way to get you to get off their back for going to meetings. So they can be using that as a manipulation or excuse or it could be actually true, you know, that going to meetings triggers them. So it can go either way. That is definitely a thing. But also, you know, you get out of it what you, what you look for in it too. So you know, there's some personal responsibility in there. But there's some truth in there too. Jackie says, My 76 year old is that mother in law is late stage alcoholic without interest in rehab. She's moving in with us, doesn't drive. What advice do you have with us about buying her alcohol? I saw your question before. I can't remember if it's in a live or a membership or what. I know I've seen this question before. I think that's hard to answer. If she's like alcohol dependent and you like stop buying it for her and she can't drive and get it, then that's quite dangerous. So I probably wouldn't do that. I would work on trying to get her motivated to address the issue versus just try to address the issue by like we're just not gonna buy it for you anymore. Because I don't just saying I'm not gonna buy it for you anymore or it can't be in this house, won't solve. But it will cause a lot of fighting and arguments and actually make her cling to the addiction for longer. So I know it feels like enabling but I would start with the plan of how do I get this person motivated to make a change? And I'VE got like a whole playlist about that of videos that you can watch or like our invisible intervention course is all about that. So that's where I would start from. Just simply trying to restrict access never fixes it. Now I will say this, I should say this. I also would, you know, like mess up your finances. You know, buy it to the point that you're messing up your finances. That's your side of the street. You don't want to do that. Yeah, but you also don't want to be like, well, I'm not buying it for you, like trying to control it. It's your side of the street, her side of the street kind of thing. Let's see here, Reframe this. For me, I keep getting cold shoulder from my loved one. I think it is in regards to anger from my alcoholic behavior in the past. How much cold shoulder should I expect? I think what you're saying is basically you have a family member or friend or something that just hasn't forgiven you and just won't let their guard down. And, and you will have people like that in your life that just can't move past it. And if you've done your best to change your behavior and you've tried to make an amends and they can't forgive you, that's okay. And that's their side of the street. And if it's a boundary they're setting with you, it's a boundary they're setting with you. I have a video on amends making with that I did with a couple of friends a while back, David and Lucas. And they, they both talk about, you know, making amends, the process and they both said both of them had a sister. Each one of them had a sister. It's like everyone else had forgiven them and moving on, but the sister was like years of not forgiving them. Like it took a long time for the sisters to forgive. So some people are just really hurt and it's hard for them to move on and they just don't want to like let you back in because they don't trust you. They. They feel like if I trust you, I'm just going to get hurt again somehow. So yeah, it is hard but you have to like respect people and give them their space. Alright everybody, thank you. Thank you so much for joining us. I will put up that other video for you on building that heart connection. And as always, remember there are more resources in the description. There's a whole page on our website of free downloadable resources. You can schedule consultations or email consultations or, you know, find out about our invisible intervention. It's all in there. See you guys next Thursday, one o' clock Eastern.