Overcome Addiction By Addressing the Root Cause of Addiction

If you really, really, really want to be addiction, you have got to get to the root of the issue. And anything less just isn't gonna cut it. It might get you a little bit of short term success, but it's not gonna get you the long term success that you're really looking for in 12 Step Recovery. They have a saying, they say it's about half measures. Half measures just aren't going to cut it. You're going to have to really get in there and deal with the underlying issues. And I think most people at some, you know, deep down, they kind of know that. But a lot of times, especially if it's your first time trying to get sober or something like that, people fall into this idea that beating an addiction is all about just not using the substance, or it's just about being clean and sober. But that really is just the first, first layer of the problem. Most people really do kind of have an idea that there's some other underlying issue going on. An addiction really isn't about a substance. It's about the fact that you're using that substance to ineffectively meet some kind of unmet need that you have going on. And so if you can figure out what the unmet need is and you can address it effectively, you're going to be so much more successful in your efforts to beat addiction, overcome addiction in that long term kind of way. If you're new here, welcome to put the shovel down. I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and this channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you can actually beat addiction and get back to living the life that you want to live. It's my goal to make sure you're always five steps ahead of addiction. I like to say, you know, you don't beat this problem by being tough. This is not like a cowboy, you know, tough it out kind of problem. You beat this problem by being strategic. And the first thing you need to do is really, really understand what you're dealing with. Like I said, the biggest problem, the biggest sort of way that people trip up and they're, and they're unsuccessful is because they really don't understand the magnitude of what they're dealing with. And so even when someone realizes that they have an addiction, you know, that's a whole thing in and of itself. How do you get someone to realize they have an addiction? But even past that, once you get that sort of box checked, the next thing is understand what it's really going to take to deal with that addiction. And Most people, even once they know they have a problem and they want it to be better, they have no idea what it's really going to take to fix that problem. And so they focus mainly on trying not to overuse the substance. Because sometimes people don't even realize they need to get rid of the substance completely. They just focus on trying not to overuse the substance. But they don't want to change anything else about their lifestyle. They think, okay, that's the addiction, that's gonna fix it. But in truth, that's really just a symptom of the addiction. The other way that people get this wrong is they try to eliminate one substance because they think, oh, I'm addicted this substance but not that substance. Or, yeah, I've always used that substance, but never problematically, but it's. They fixate on one of the substances being the problem. And usually that's because that whatever that substance is, is causing more trouble faster. And so it's just easier to see how problematic it really is. If you're watching live, I'm so glad to have you here with me. Feel free to put comments and questions in. And when I get done talking, I'll go back and go through those and try to answer some of those for you. But. But I'm not very good at switching back and forth. I'm pretty lousy at that. But I will come back. So the truth about addressing the underlying issues people talk about, is it a trauma issue? Is it an attachment issue? Is it because someone has an underlying mental health disorder like ADHD or anxiety or bipolar disorder or something like that? All of those things play a part in the. Maybe the underneath triggers that trigger addiction and keep it going. But to break it down into even a simpler form than that, what you really need to do is you need to address two specific brain chemicals. And I'm about to tell you exactly what they are and what to do about it and how to address it. The two brain chemicals you need to address are serotonin, which most of us have heard about. Like, we've heard of serotonin inhibitor uptake inhibitors, which are like antidepressants. This is not an antidepressant commercial. I'm not even going to tell you to do that. That's not what I'm saying. And the other chemical being oxytocin, which is the bonding chemical, it's the connection chemical. Now, a lot of people are vulnerable to addiction because for various reasons, maybe they're low in those two brain chemicals. They don't feel connected. There was a recent loss, Maybe they've had trauma. Maybe they've always had trouble connecting because there's an attachment wound or something like that. So a lot of people are so much more vulnerable to getting the addiction because they're already in a deficit of those brain chemicals. And when they start using a substance, it's almost like they're trying to compensate by seeking this dopamine rush or these other chemicals that it's not really that it's a bad thing to do, it's just ineffective, right? Because the more you use whatever your substance is, or it doesn't even have to be a substance, the behavior that you do that is feeding that addiction, the lower and lower and lower your serotonin and oxytocin become. The reason is this, or let me say this before I tell you that reason. If you weren't low in those chemicals when you started using, but you got addicted anyway, which that can happen too, right? You can have none of the, like, precursor factors and still become addicted. If you use an addictive substance long enough, you're going to become addicted. Doesn't matter who you are, doesn't matter if you had those predispositions, because when you use substances, you're lowering those two brain chemicals that you really need. Because those two brain chemicals protect you from addictions. It just makes it a lot more, less likely that you're going to engage in addictive behavior. So let's take those one at a time and talk about how to address it. So just remember, you could have either had a deficit to begin with, which certainly a lot of people do, if you didn't have one to begin with, if you've been using addictively for any period of time, you have a deficit of it now. So either which way this is the thing that's gonna keep it going. And if you don't address it, you're probably either gonna go back to using that substance or some other kind of addictive behavior. And it's just gonna be so hard to really, really, really get out of this cycle. So serotonin is basically a chemical. It controls some things like mood, appetite, sleep, motivation. But one of the big ways that you get serotonin is when you do something that makes you feel proud of yourself. So when you accomplish something, when you feel good about who you are, when you like yourself, you get a drip of serotonin in your brain. And so if you're living a life that you like who you are, you're proud of yourself, and you feel like you have like Meaning and purpose. And your life has meaning and purpose, your serotonin levels are gonna be so much better. Can you. Can you see that? Like, if you feel like, good about yourself, that you're living a life of meaning and purpose, how that would protect you from developing addiction, right? Because you feel good already. You don't need that other thing to sort of, you know, the way people describe it is sort of like to. To fix that hole inside or whatever, however you want to call it. The other brain chemical, oxytocin, which is the bonding chemical, comes when you feel really connected to at least one or two or a few people. You don't have to be most popular. You don't have to have a thousand friends. In fact, if you got too many friends, it can make you feel disconnected because you're pulled in too many different directions. But you need to have some. Some close, trusting relationships where you feel like the person really knows who you are and you know who they are. And you, you know, you have that kind of bond with them, whether that's a spouse, a family member, a best friend, a sponsor, whoever. You need to have those trusting relationships. And so you've got to focus on those two things in order to get better from addiction. Now, a lot of addiction help out there focuses on medicines, and I'm not opposed to medicines at all. But what I'm saying is that doesn't necessarily fix these two underlying factors. Even if you're taking like a serotonin reuptake inhibitor or whatever, it's not doing it in such a way that necessarily helps you to feel proud of yourself. One of the things that's universal in most any kind of recovery program is they have you build a community connection. There's usually group or support group or something like that. So that connection you can see is consistently there in almost any kind of recovery program. And they want to teach you how to start living a life with integrity. And what I mean by that is your behaviors match your values, right? You're behaving in a way that is consistent with who you are and what you believe. Because if you're not doing that, if you have these beliefs deep down inside and you're not living in accordance with that, whatever those beliefs are, then you're gonna feel this sort of seed of self doubt, shame, guilt, unworthiness, all of those kind of toxic feelings and emotions which then create the room for addiction to get in there and take hold. And the longer you have an addiction, the worse those things are gonna be, right? Because when you have an addiction, you systematically destroy your relationships, right? You can. Even if you still have friends and family around inside, when you're struggling with active addiction, you feel very lonely. Because even if people still like you, even if it's not like people have totally cut you off, you. You know that those people don't really know who you are inside. So even if they're your friend and even if they're telling you these positive things, you can't let it in because you have this whole secret life. And somewhere down in your conscious somewhere, it's like, if they really knew me, they wouldn't feel that way about me. So it's almost like you cannot accept their love on that deep level that you really need in order to really, truly feel connected with someone. Now, you might can be very charismatic, and you might can, you know, superficially maintain those relationships, but inside, you don't. You're not getting that nourishment that you need from the relationships that you have, Whether it's with the people in your life or your higher power. You just biologically almost don't have the capability for it. The other thing that goes into that is the limbic part of your brain, which is the part that allows you to form those connections when you're in active addiction. It's like it's on fire. Think of it as like the wavelengths are going, like, super high and crazy. And in order to feel those kind of connected feelings, that frequency has to be lowered down, right? Because there's too much noise going on in there. So it's almost like that has to be lowered to some kind of steadiness in order for those other feelings and thoughts and emotions to penetrate through those. Those good ones. And so in any kind of good recovery program, it's about community, and it's about teaching you how to live in a way that makes you feel good about yourself, Even if it's just, you know, your sponsor says, call me every day, and you call your sponsor every day. You are making progress in that. If it's. You know, a lot of people talk about how when they started going to some kind of meetings. And I'm not saying this because I'm only. I'm pro 12 step. I am pro 12 step. But I'm pro all of it. So I'm just giving you these examples, but there are lots of ways. But a lot of people talk about how they're going to meetings, and all of a sudden they get asked to come early and make the coffee, or they get given the key to the place and asked to show up early and unlock the door and greet people or they get asked to help in some way. And how when that happens, it's almost like me because they haven't been trusted in so long, just like, oh my gosh, they're going to trust me to come make the coffee. And that may seem small, but it's a symbol that somebody trust me enough to come in this building before anyone else is here. So I can do that. And it's just that small little way that lets you begin to feel that integrity, that pride in yourself, that feeling of, okay, it's, you know, my life matters. I'm doing something that's important. And it starts with those small things like that. And then it grows bigger and bigger and bigger because you really need to have that big overall sense of meaning and purpose to get you through the really hard days when you don't want to be sober. And when days are really hard, what's going to hold you solid on the hard days? It's going to have to be something bigger than just your own willpower. And a lot of times, if you can build those relationships, those communities and that sense of purpose, that is the thing that's going to hold you solid. Like I said, when that's in check, you really have a lot less desire and craving and need for the substances anyways. So I'm going to look up here and take a few questions and comments. So if you don't have them in there, get them in there in the chat here. And if you're watching on replay, be sure and put your questions and comments in the comment section because I do try to come back through and answer any of them that I can. Let's see here. Hey. Hey. Jeanette Johnette says she's going to study to be a recovery coach. That's fantastic. Let's see what Kim says. Your earlier videos on the science behind addiction helped me immensely in my denial phase regarding an addicted loved one. How managing this for the other person is bad for me and for the other person. Hey, thanks, Kim. I'm glad you said that. Do have some of my earliest videos on this channel are the Science where I like draw brain cells and stuff on the whiteboard. They're really bad videos as far as the video quality, but there's really good information. Let's see. Laurie. So if someone has to take a narcotic, probably from here on out, because of a major back issue, would they need serotonin and oxytocin medication to stabilize that part that Is the loss from taking the narcotic? Oh, that's a good question. Serotonin and oxytocin are naturally occurring brain chemicals. Those are not medicines. And so I'm glad you said that because I wasn't being clear about that, and I should have cleared that up. Thank you, Lori. So those are brain chemicals that you get that come from feeling connected. When you feel connected, you get that sense of oxytocin. When you physically touch another person, you. You get a drip of oxytocin. That's why we, you know, a lot of us that have been in this isolation. What am I thinking? The word is this Covid thing where we don't have contact with people. It's almost like we haven't hugged anybody, and so we haven't touched or been around somebody. You can feel those of you that have been really isolated. You can feel that you're getting sick, you know, and I don't mean sick like with the flu. I mean, like, it's like a nourishment that you need. When you don't have it, things aren't functioning properly. So you get these two brain chemicals from certain behaviors and ways of thinking and doing. So it's not a mess. It's not a medication. But to answer your question, even if someone has to take a medicine for a back issue, they still very much need to work on creating that good, healthy brain balance and brain chemistry in order to keep any kind of balance going on. Good question. All right. Tony says our son was just in the hospital for coming off a heroin. He is coming to have lunch. Should I talk to him or just have some nice time with no questions? That is a very good question. I think first and foremost, it's always about building a relationship, Tony. So before you go into any kind of serious talk, I would sort of let them take the lead. Sometimes they want to have some serious conversations, and if they do, it's totally fine to go there with them. But what you don't want them to feel is like every time they meet with you, it's like the principal's office, because then they're just going to dread talking with you and avoid being around you. So whatever the conversations, you want them to be enjoyable and comfortable. And if previously things have been really bad or tense, which is pretty common, then you may have to get to neutral. You may have to talk about the ball game or the weather or what's on Netflix. Because what you're trying to do is you're trying to train them, Tony. That every Conversation with you is not going to be some kind of intense, horrible, you know, you're in trouble, what did you do wrong? What do you need to do now kind of conversation. So if that you, if that relationship foundation isn't there, you focus on that before anything else. Great, great question. Yes. The way community, connection, group and healthy lifestyle is very transformative. Absolutely, 100%. Let's see. Gail says, my husband has had many addictions and I've learned so much from you. I wish I had this information 25 years ago. Oh, thank you, Gail. I really appreciate that. And all of you who helped me share these videos, you're helping get this information out there. And hopefully in 25 years from now, someone won't have to be saying that. Jennifer, thank you for sharing so much of your help. Drugs affect too many families. Thank you. Thank you for the positive comments, Jennifer. Let's see. I'm looking to see. Oh, here's a question. What do you do when your loved one knows they are addicted and have motivation to change, but at the same time don't want to completely leave behind the addiction and because it's comfort? Great question. And what I will say to that is don't let that deter you. That's almost always the case. And what you do is you validate that that is a valid feeling, and it's normal for them to feel that. And if you think about it hard enough and you can empathize with them, you probably feel very similar. So the first thing you do is you just validate that. That doesn't mean you're validating that they continue to use what you're doing is you're normalizing that thought and feeling. And then you want to sort of positively reinforce when they take brave steps or they take, you know, big steps toward getting themselves out of that comfort zone. And you want to reinforce that they do have what it takes to make those steps. And so you can do that a couple of different ways. One thing you can do is just, you know, remind people of things they've done in the past. That's really hard. But the even more effective way to do that is to get them to remember and, and get them to remind themselves of other times when they've done really hard things, because it's going to help them remember that they do have what it takes inside to get better. And that's one of the things that we teach in our Invisible Intervention online course, which if you want to learn more about that, there is a link in the description, but it'll Teach you more step by step on how to do that, but validate and then positively reinforce when they take steps in the right direction and help them realize that they have what it takes and that that uncomfortableness won't last forever. That's another thing I do is I talk about a realistic expectation about how long things are going to be uncomfortable. But what you don't want to do is you don't want to say things like, yeah, but that's just what it takes. Or you have to. Or you have to be willing to do whatever it takes. Don't invalidate the difficulty of that because that's just going to make the person put up walls and defenses and that's taking you in the opposite direction that you want to go. He's being forced to change by the courts. And I haven't seen results yet, but it's only been two weeks. I know that you've watched enough of my videos, Holly, to know that there's no bad reason to get sober. And if it's forced by the courts, I'm totally fine with that. And those first two weeks are the worst. So I really wouldn't expect you to see results from it. If your loved one is not throwing a fit and trying to get you to come get them and threatening, then that's actually pretty good results, if you ask me. So if they're still there, you're seeing results because those first weeks are pretty rough. Debbie says. Isn't dopamine affected? Yes, dopamine is affected. A lot of times what people are trying to do to compensate for the serotonin and oxytocin is they're trying to compensate with the dopamine. And dopamine is a desire chemical, so they. They get fixated on trying to have this certain feeling that comes from dopamine, but it doesn't work because the deficiency is really in the serotonin and oxytocin. Lori says. But don't some medications, antidepressants, have serotonin in it? What those antidepressants do, Laurie, is your brain naturally has serotonin, and the medicines help keep the serotonin that's there actually in. Out there sort of accessible in your brain longer. They're called serotonin reuptake inhibitors. I know that sounds super fancy, but it means it stops the brain cells from absorbing back up the serotonin, which leaves it out there longer. And I know that that's really complicated and that can help get people out of. If they're in such severe depressed state that they can't get themselves out of it. That might be enough to get them up and going if they need that, if their doctor says they need that, to take some steps that they need to take. But ultimately to get that good, long lasting, you know, kind of serotonin, that's gonna, that's really gonna work long term. You gotta do things that make you feel good about yourself. My husband talks about change and wants to stop, but doesn't and emphasizes with all the other drug users he's with and shuts me out now he's barely talking to me. How can you, how can I help them if they shut out their spouse? What that means is that they don't trust you. And I know that may not be fair, but they don't see you as a safe person to talk to. And that's probably because you disagree with what they're saying and you say they're empathizing with the other substance users because the other substance users are telling them what they want to hear, right? And so if it's, I got you over here and you're on my back and telling me I'm crappy and I'm not doing anything right, and I'm just an addict and I'm hurting everybody around me, but you got these other people over here telling me, you know, I'm great, I'm a good guy, and whatever you can see naturally where they want to gravitate. And so when I used to first, the first substance recovery program that I did was for teenagers. And my motto in that program was, we like you more than they like you. And our goal with that was to help the person feel like myself and the rest of the group cared about you more. So our goal was to prove that to that person and help them to trust us and to sort of when you do that, you build credibility and they listen to you more. Again, that's another thing that we teach a lot of in the invisible intervention. If you're not part of that, you might want to think about that because that might help a lot. Ms. Steph, what if someone is detoxing, like in jail? I'm wondering how to convince them that there's still work to be done. That's a good question. A lot of times people do have to detox in jail, and man, is that uncomfortable. One of the things you can do to help them is to validate that is to say, oh, my gosh, I know that must have been miserable. I don't know how you did it. That's rough. And positively reinforce, you know, any kind of progress that they're making. And it's almost like once they start getting a little, when you're doing that, you're actually giving them drips of serotonin and oxytocin, you're actually helping that to happen. And so when they start getting that, you're becoming a more effective way of filling that void than the substance. And then they want more of it and they want your approval more. And if you can get them to really feel like you understand them and that you don't just jump to conclusions and you want what's best for them, they trust you, then they're going to listen to your advice and feedback. And so that's going to make it a lot more likely that they're going to care what you have to say when they get out. We have a person in our group right now who's got some long term recovery, who detoxed in jail and then went to a program after that and got many years sobriety. So that absolutely can be done. Let's see. Christy says, what do you do when you feel all love and hope has been lost due to these situations? I know you can get to that point and sometimes if this is your loved one, you may have to disconnect yourself from them for your own sanity. Occasionally it gets to that point. But here's what I can tell you. I've seen people come back from situations that I never thought they would come back from. I've seen people come around that I would have told you I would put all my money on the fact that that person was not going to get clearance over. I'm not good at all at predicting in the end who's really going to get long term recovery because you just, you just don't know. And sometimes when people have had it more severe, they get it on a deeper level. They're not as in denial as much as some of the people who have it on a not as severe level yet. And so if they're still in the live, if they're still alive, they're still in the game. That's what I say. I asked him, do you want to prolong your emotional and physical pain? You can do it. It'll be okay. He calmed down, but he's pretty severe. But he's only. But only the begging finally after two years. So I think what you're saying, Holly, is you ask him does he want to make draw out this physical pain process? And that's an okay question to ask, but it really Depends on how you ask it. If you ask it in a certain tone or a certain way, that's going to make them defensive. Like, do you just want this to go on forever? Like, do you just want this to keep going, or do you just want to keep ruining your life? Like, if you're saying it like that, not helpful. If you can get people to see that there is a light on the other side and that whatever they're going through is temporary, and then things get better, that's a much better way to help someone feel hopeful and gain the strength to get on the other side. All right, Jennifer says, my son's addicted to fentanyl. And today he said if he were to get off pills, he would end up killing himself. And no sober living is going to make him feel different. How do I respond to this, Jennifer? That is what I call emotional manipulation and blackmail. And basically that's a tactic that's telling you to back off. It's a kind of a threat, and it's backing you into a corner to not have a lot to say about that. And I do have some videos about those emotional manipulation tactics. There was one released a few weeks ago, and I think the picture of it says, like, off limits on it. If you want to find that video, I think that will help you with that because that's just manipulation. And you may even feel like that. But that's a pretty common way for people to think, feel, especially for people to say in that situation, oh, thank you for the compliment, Lori. Dave, I have serious alcohol issues, and now it's affecting my health. I'm fully aware I'm at risk for bad things. It is soon hard. It's so hard to stop even knowing the problem is causing. That's right, Dave. Even once you know you've got the problem, that doesn't necessarily mean it goes away immediately. You have to get to the point where you can see that things can get better and they can get better. Like I said, I've seen people come back from really bad situations that you would think, oh, this person is like just almost. You just want to give up on them completely. And people come back all the time and they come back better and stronger than they ever would have been otherwise. So it's totally worth it. I lost my sister to suicide. And he tells me he feels there's nothing that will prevent him to renew. Jennifer. That's even more evidence that he knows that that right there is a sore spot for you. And he is pinging that spot. And I call that an absolute out of bounds territory. So definitely I want you to watch those emotional manipulation videos. And I do have a video also on what to do if someone threatens suicide. Like if they're actively telling you that they're going to commit suicide, I've got a video on what to do about that. So make sure that you watch it. All right, Here's another. Jennifer. Can a person in late stage addiction with PTSD and severe depression get sober outside of a medical setting? Yes, that can happen, but I'd have to know more details about the situation than that to be able to tell you for sure. Jennifer. A lot of times it depends on. Depends on the person's readiness for change, the recovery environment that they're living in. Like, are they living in an environment that's conducive to recovery? Do they have any supports? Do they have, like a counselor? You know, there's some other things that would come into that decision making. But can it be done? Sure, it definitely can be done. Crystal says what do you do if the person believes only MAT will fix them? If you don't know what MAT is, guys, that stands for medication assisted treatment. And that typically is some kind of like replacement medication. And what you have to do with that is you have to let them try that. And maybe it will, but maybe it won't. And it's one of those things that if that's what they have in their head, you're not going to get it out of their head until we at least try it. So that's what I would do. Duke, I'm a graduate of and now work for drug court. Addicts need solid education about relapse prevention and self actualization. They understand the why of the way they think and feel. I love that, what you said there, Duke, about self actualization, that's what I mean. It's like becoming your best self, living your best life. Because when you can do that, you like you and you have less need for drugs. Let's see. I think we have time for one more. Crystal says. He says the same as Jennifer's son, that he doesn't feel okay and he will hurt himself if he doesn't get relief to deal with that depression. Low energy, generally doesn't feel mentally okay. What that may indicate, Crystal and Jennifer, is that the person may need some kind of medical help for detoxing off of a substance. Whether that medical help is something to give them, that helps taper them down, or they need to be somewhere where they're being watched over to make sure that they're safe and they get through that first acute phase where it is, it's pretty difficult. So you don't want to minimize the difficulty, but you also don't want to be held hostage by that either. Thank you, everyone, for joining me. I will be on for a bonus live video this Sunday, Sunday at around 11am Eastern. And we're going to be talking to another YouTuber who has a channel called Sober Dogs. He's going to share with his he's going to share with us his story about consequences and how that affected his addiction and recovery. So I'll see you guys then. Now, oh, I forgot to tell you. I want all of you to go out and do something today that makes you feel good about you, whether you are a person in recovery, whether you're a person struggling with addiction or you're the family member. Because I want you to get a real solid feeling for what that little drip of serotonin feels like. Maybe that's you folded up the laundry and put it up, you did some dishes, you called and did something nice for someone else. Just one little step is going to make a big difference. It's going to make your whole day better.