Overcome Any Addiction On Your Own

Yes, of course it is possible to get sober on your own. Yeah, you can beat any addiction on your own. In fact, it's pretty much the only way to do it is on your own. Because the truth of it is, no one can do it for you. You are the one ultimately that has to make the choices. You are the one that has to put in the work, put in the time, and go through the struggle that gets you from where you are to where you want to be. Now, there are other people that can help from the sidelines, but you're the one that has to do the work. And I hear all the time from. Usually I hear this from family members. I hear from family members. You know, my loved one says, yes, I have a problem, but you know, I can deal with this on my own. And they say, is that really possible? And I say, well, sure, of course, anyone can deal with something on their own. But I think we need to dig into it a little bit further, because what does that really even mean on your own? In my mind, like I said, there's only. That's the only way to do it is on your own, because you're the only one that can do it. So a lot of times when people say, I want to do it on my own, it means something else other than I want to do it on my own. We're going to talk about that in just a second. We're going to talk about what they usually. What people usually mean when they say do it on my own versus in reality, what it means now when people say do it on my own. I think a lot of times what they mean in a big sense is I don't want to go to treatment. And if that's what you mean when you're saying I want to do it on my own, you know, can people get sober without going to treatment? Most people get sober without going to treatment. So without a doubt, it is possible to get sober without going to treatment. There are some people who that would probably be the best avenue to go down is to go to some kind of treatment. Especially if the addiction is to the point that it's your so physically dependent you can't stop, or the environment that you live in just is not conducive for recovery. Like maybe you live with people who continue the behavior that you're trying to stop. Those are the kind of situations where it might be to your benefit to go to treatment. But it is definitely possible to get sober without going to treatment. In fact, that most people do. Now, if when you Say I want to do it on my own. You mean I don't want to get any outside input whatsoever at all? I mean, could you do that? Maybe, probably. But why would you want to do that? We're coming back to that, so hang on to that thought. When you say no outside input at all, do you mean like I'm not gonna read a book, read a pamphlet, watch a video, talk to anyone whatsoever about it. Like literally, I don't want to have any outside influence, no advice, no nothing from anywhere. Do it on my own. Then I think usually when people say that, it means something different. And that's what I meant when I said like a lot of times it doesn't really mean that just sounds like that. Sometimes when people say I want to do it on my own, the translation of that is get off my back, I'm a grown person, I'm going to do whatever I want and I will figure out what I need to do on my own. Totally fair. But when someone is unwilling to get any output like, like literally they won't watch a 30 second video on it or something then, then that, that usually doesn't mean like, I got this, I can do this, I certainly got treatment. Which is like a common response. It means it's just a polite way of getting you to hush up and go away. Now why would someone say that? Why would someone be like that? It could just mean that they're just not ready to make that change. And just because someone is in that position today doesn't mean they'll always be in that position. In fact, everyone I've ever dealt with has been in that position at some point. Like, shut up, go away, don't bother me. In fact, most people at some point say I'm never going to change, just stupid. I like it. And they'll, I call it big talk. They'll big talk all over the place. And it doesn't bother me one bit because everybody's been down the big top row before. It doesn't mean, it doesn't mean anything, just means that's how they feel today. But that changes over time. Now another thing sometimes that people mean when they say that is, is I'm afraid that if I involve other people in this process that they'll push me to do something that I don't want to do or push me too fast. So a lot of times when people say I'm going to do it on my own, what they're really saying is I'm too scared to let anyone else get involved because I'm afraid they'll take over the driver's seat and I won't have any control over my own life. And that's it. That's an honest, you know, valid, I guess I would say, feeling, especially when you're having to make a big change in your life and you feel scared, like, what if someone pushes me faster than willing to go? What if they make me do things that I don't want to do? And that's another reason why people say the thing like, I want to do it on my own. But the thing to remember if this is the situation you're in, if you're feeling that way, which like I said, is totally valid, is if you're a grownup. Well, in fact, if you're more than 16, you don't even have to be a grown up. If you're more than 16 years old and you live in the United States, no one can make you go to treatment. You, no one can make you do anything like even in the worst case situation where you get yourself committed to some kind of treatment, usually only for five days. And even if that, they can't make you do anything other than be in the treatment center. So there's real, no real fear here to be had. Now people can, you know, suggest you do certain things or advise you do certain things or maybe even harp on your back about it a lot, but no one else has the power to make you do anything else. I think remembering that, remembering that you are always the one in the driver's seat, you are the only one in the driver's seat might help to alleviate some of that fear about, because it's like a fear of letting go of the control. But you never are not in control of the decisions of what you do and how fast you do it. You're always in the driver's seat, no matter what. The other thing that people sometimes mean when they say, I'm going to do it on my own, they may mean like, I'm really going to make the changes, but I feel too embarrassed to bring anyone from the outside into the situation, whether that's like a counselor, a coach, meetings, like an IOP program, anything like that. Maybe they're afraid they're going to see other people that they know in the community if they go into treatment or something like that, or if they get some kind of help. And that's also another, you know, pretty common, fairly valid thing that they're thinking that I'm going to do this, they're sincere in it, but I don't want anyone else to know about it because they feel embarrassed. The thing that you might be missing if this is what you're thinking about. The situation is, I don't want anyone else to know is if you have an addiction that's bad enough to need outside help. Other people already know. I know it's kind of like not the best news ever. Other people already know. And in fact, the most important people already know. The most important people are the closest people to you, the people that love you the most, who care about you the most, who are in your daily life the most. They already know. Is it really more embarrassing to say, hey, I've got this issue and I need some help with it, or is it more embarrassing to continue down this path where other people and people in the community, people at your work, people in your family, people at your school know that you are self destructing? Think of all the humiliating and embarrassing things addiction makes you do on the regular. I was talking to a client earlier today. He was talking about how humiliated he feels every time he drinks. He. He embarrasses himself and he's mortified by his behavior. You got. You know what I'm talking about. You know, addiction has made you do things that you feel embarrassed about, ashamed about, and humiliated about. Is. Is. Is opening up and telling someone else, hey, I'm changing this thing in my life. Really more embarrassing and humiliating than that? I don't think so. Because at the most, it's being embarrassing for like five minutes and it's over. And when we really get rational in our thinking here about that, it removes that roadblock. Because addiction is tricky and it's sneaky and it can lie to you. Now, all that being said, here's what I really want to say about it. If you truly are of the mindset that you want to do this completely by yourself, like the no input kind of way, like the know nothing. Am I saying you can't do it? Of course I'm not saying you can't do it. But I'm saying, why? Why would you want to do that? I could say, I'm going to build a house. I'm going to do it on my own, and I don't want no help. I could do that, right? Wouldn't be very smart. Had to be stupid. Even if I already knew how to build a house, it wouldn't be very smart for me to say, I'm gonna do it on my own. It doesn't make any sense if. If I need. If I don't know how to do taxes. I could say, I'm gonna do it on my own. In my case, I can tell you, it's not very smart. You probably wouldn't take that stance with any thing else in your life. Any other big endeavor that you wanted to take on, you would think, yeah, I need some help. I need some advice. I need to at least research and know what I'm doing. I need to, like, read a book, at bare minimum, if you're going to make a big change. And you wouldn't think a thing about it. And you shouldn't think a thing about it, because even if you can figure it out which trial and error, you can figure it out. I've done a lot of figuring out trial and error, but why put yourself through the misery of that? Like, I could. I could. I could say, I'm gonna build this house by myself, and I could refuse to watch a video. I could refuse to read a book, and I might eventually figure it out. But dang, how long is it gonna take me? It's gonna take me about 20 times longer than it would have taken me if I would have just reached out to someone, anyone who knew how to do it and got some advice about it. Now, does that mean I'm not doing it on my own, reaching out and getting some advice about it? No, it doesn't mean I'm not doing it on my own. I still got to do it. But I would be an idiot to not reach out to someone else who's done it before. I could find somebody who's done it a thousand times before, even better. And they could tell me exactly what to do. I'm still doing it on my own, but the likelihood that I'm going to get it done goes up a lot. And the time it's going to take for me to get it done is going to decrease drastically. Because if you. If you're just insistent on not listening to anyone else about how to get sober, you're just making it a thousand times more harder than it has to be. Truly, just like anything else, you. If you were going to try to do something in your life that you hadn't really done before, or maybe you tried to do it, but you'd been unsuccessful at it, you've never really done it very well before, you wouldn't be saying that. You wouldn't be saying, I'm not going to get any input from any outside source. You would think, no, dude, I don't want to make all those mistakes, especially when it comes to addiction recovery, because it's not just that it's going to take you longer. Every single mistake that you make, every time that it doesn't work, there is mega, mega consequences for it. And sometimes the consequence is you don't get another chance to figure it out. Maybe you don't get another chance because your family decides they're done with you. You don't get another chance because you overdose. You don't get another chance to figure it out because you lose your job. Do you really want to risk all that by holding on to your pride and saying, I don't want to have any outside influence? I'm not telling you that you have to go to treatment, but I am telling you that you need some kind of outside influence. You need some advice, some learning, some knowledge from somewhere. Because conquering addiction is very, very counterintuitive. It's not like your iPhone, where you can push buttons long enough and you can figure it out, because that's kind of intuitive. You know, little pictures and stuff. That's not the way sobriety works. In fact, it's like what you think is going to work is usually not the thing that's going to work. It's the opposite of that. So why not save yourself the pain and the misery and the time? Do you really want to fail at this for the next 15 years, or would you rather get on the fast track, figure out how it's done, make all the right chess moves and be done with it so you can move on with your life? And I'm saying that to those of you who truly want to get better, when you're saying, I want to do it on my own, but maybe you're refusing to let some kind of outside influence come in for some reason. I mean, listen to a podcast, go to a meeting, get a sponsor. If you want to get a coach, do something to get some kind of influence in so that you don't have to continue to make mistakes and continue to pay the price. Because I promise you, the longer addiction goes, the higher the price becomes. It gets bigger and bigger and bigger. I know you guys know I'm talking about, like, the losses get bigger, the shame gets more. The financial damage, it only grows. It doesn't ever plateau. It doesn't level off. It only ever gets worse. So why waste the time? Please allow some kind of outside influence to get into your life. Even if you don't even want to go and talk to a counselor, which, by the way, is kind of silly. If you don't even want to talk to a coach. You need to really ask yourself why? Is it because I really don't want to do it and I'm just lying? Is it because I feel embarrassed about it? If it's because I feel embarrassed, like, is that the thing I should feel embarrassed about? What is it? Is it because I'm afraid that I won't be in control and they'll make me do something I don't want to do? Listen, if you've got an addiction, other people have done, tried to make you do things you didn't want to do and it didn't work. So you should know you are powerful enough and strong enough because you know everybody's been on a case trying to make you do stuff and it hadn't worked one single bit. So if someone tries to make you do something you don't want to do, so what, you've got the power over that, you know that you've been stubborn headed this far, you could be stubborn headed then. So those fears are fairly irrational when you really look at them truthfully and honestly through that truth lens. Heck, if you're too scared to open up to someone else about it and you want to get better and you really mean it, go into the description and get access to my free 30 day jumpstart program. It's just a series of videos that come to you and give you advice and keep you motivated and help you overcome roadblocks. And you'll never have to talk to anybody about it. It's literally an automated process that just happens. It doesn't cost you a thing. There's no reason for you not to do something like that. And. And there's a million other things out there like that as well. So what do you really mean when you say do it on my own? Why are you saying do it on my own? Are your thoughts rational and clear or is your pride getting in your way? Is the addiction trying to trick you with that kind of thinking? Would you really choose to do anything else that you hadn't done or been successful about on your own? I mean, me, when I'm doing something new, which is pretty regular because I'm just like that nexting kind of personality, that addicted kind of personality. That's me. So I'm always getting into something new, totally out in the deep end of the water with like, you know, without a life jacket. And when that happens to me, I start reading every book, listening to every video, every podcast, any person I know. I'm like, I desperately start to consume information and figure out how in fact, I'VE been trying to figure out how to do this YouTube thing for the past several years, and I can't. I've had a. I've paid for so many classes. Like in the past year, I've paid $1,200 for a class, $5,000 for a class on YouTube. And you know why? Because this is important to me. It's important to me because it's important to you. And I know that having this information can change not just, not just the addict's life. That's not even it for me. It's because it changes entire families and because it changes families for generations. You know, if I get somebody's husband, if I. If these videos have any influence and help somebody's mother and wife or husband and father get sober, that doesn't just change their life. The one that gets sober, that changes everybody's life, changes those kids lives. It changes how those kids will parent their kids. It's important when you make this change. It's important. It's more than just you at stake here. So if I'm willing to put in tons and tons of time and money and energy into figuring out how to give you the information, and there are a lot of other people out there too. I'm not the only place to get information. Trust me. There's a ton of other people out there, a ton of other resources, ton of other people that know a lot about getting sober. If we're willing to put in the time and necessary to get help to figure out how to help you, do not let your ego get in the way of you making this change because it's huge. It'll change your life for the better and it'll change the lives of all the people around you for the better. People you work with, people in your family, your children, your grandchildren, your siblings. It's massive. How many of you out there have been impacted by someone else's addiction and it is still impacting you today and maybe even happened like years ago. Put like a hand up emoji in the comments if that's you. If, if you, if you. Your life is changed because of someone else's addiction. If I had more hands, I'd put more hands up because everyone in my life has been addicted. And I can tell you that has had a major impact on my life. Some negative and some positive. Nonetheless, one addictive person impacts about 10 other people and that's on the low side. So it's a big choice. Do you really want to be trying to do that without any advice? Or help whatsoever. It's just. It just doesn't make any rational sense. So why, why are you saying that and what do you mean when you're saying that? If you mean I don't want to go to treatment, then I'm okay, let's figure out how to do that. Right? Because. Because I wanted to figure out how to start a business and start a YouTube channel, but I didn't want to go back and get another master's degree in business school. I didn't have to do that. But in order to not do that, I had to do a whole lot of learning and investigating on my own. And so, yeah, of course it can be done. Of course you can get sober without going to treatment. Can you get recovery without having any outside influence? Maybe, but it don't look good and it's going to take you a really long time. And I don't advise it. Just like I wouldn't advise anybody else to take on any other big major thing in their life without getting some outside advice and help. There's no shame in it, trust me. I see some more hands going up in the in the comments of the people that are here live. So I want to say. I want to say hello to the people that here live and I also want to say hello to the people watching on the playback. I appreciate you coming back and watching. I know you got a job, I know you're going to work. You can't just drop everything and watch these lives in the middle of Thursday afternoons. But I appreciate you watching either live or on the playback. For those of you don't know, we are live every Thursday at 1pm Eastern. I'm on here live. And a good reason to catch it live is because you can interact. You can ask me questions, you can give me feedback, you can tell me about your story and your situation and you can help someone else. So let's say hello to some of you guys are here and if you have questions or comments, something that you want me to address, put a little question mark or something in front of it that gets my attention so I'll know that you're trying to ask a question or tell me something about important. Because sometimes you guys are talking with each other in the chat and I can't tell talking to me. You're talking to them. It's confusing. I'm glad you guys talk to each other. I'm just so add. It's hard for me to figure out what's happening all the time. Let's see. Hey, Scarlet. Hey, Eddie. Spaghetti. Hey, Leanna. And Mimi from New Orleans. We got Andrea from Las Vegas. Yo mama. I always see your name on here. It's so fun. We got Daniella. Star is here. Here's a new name. Kanece Sweets. Oh, says hello. It's nice to be here for the first time. Your videos are really helpful. Being in a relationship with an addiction problem and me never touching any drugs. Understanding him on the roller coaster. Hey, we're glad to have you here. Glad you caught us live. Scroll down here and see if we have any. Danny says could you help me please? What can I help you with, Danny? I will be happy to help if there's something I can do to help. I'll do my best. And if I can't, maybe there's someone in watching right now who can. So tell us what's going on. Jennifer says there's a fine line between supporting and pushing and sometimes moves depending on the addicts, addictive ones mood. Yeah, there is a fine line between supporting and pushing. But I want to assure anybody out there who maybe has an addiction that's scared to be pushed, trust me, you can't be pushed into anything you don't want to be. And you can choose to, whoever it is that's doing that, you can choose to disconnect from them at any point. Because I just want to reassure you that you are always in the driver's seat. Like the only time you are not in the driver's seat completely is if you are committed to treatment. And that can only happen in the most serious of situations. And that can only happen temporarily if you're in the United States. It is hard to get it to happen. So I can promise I've worked in hospitals where that used to happen. I used to be part of the team that did the examinations that decided if people could be let off a commitment and that kind of thing. So it's not likely to happen. You are in control. Let's see. This is a question Lori says, what does drinking is part of my personality mean? For most people have a drinking problem, it has become such a ingrained part of who they are that they have made it part of their personality. Like you know, they're the like Mr. Fun Party Guy or whatever it is. So yes, that's probably true, but that's not permanent. So why is the person saying that to you? A lot of times people are just as scared to let go of the identity and the image as much as they are of the substance. A lot of times people are really scared for people to know that they don't drink anymore because they feel embarrassed because they've been so boastful and open and honest about it that it feels kind of embarrassing now to come back and say, yeah, I made that big change. It's never as hard as people think it is, though. People always respond, almost always respond positively to it. The only people that don't respond positively to it are the other people that have alcohol problem. And that shouldn't make you feel bad because you know they're where you were at. Annelise says my 22 year old daughter has expressed daily wanting to quit hard drugs, but her brain is rewired. The addiction is strong. She has been in treatments and said she can't sit in groups for seven hours. Again, so sad. If your, if your daughter has been in several treatments, she probably knows what she needs to do. She needs to put those things in place. Can she get better without seven hours of sitting in groups a day? Of course she can. She could probably sit in there and teach those groups. So what is it about? About that is that she needs. Is it that she needs the structure and accountability? Is it that she needs to be completely cut off from the axis of getting it? Because if she's not, if she has the opportunity, she's going to do it there. If there's something about the treatment that she needs, maybe she can figure out what is the thing about it that I need the most and can I get it without having to sit in groups for seven hours? Probably. So if there's a certain thing that you just don't want to do in your recovery, like I just don't want to tell everybody every bad thing I've done. Can you get recovery without doing that? Yeah, probably. As long as you're open to having some kind of influence, you're going to be all right. Let's see here. Star says blows my sober mind. How my. I think it's. I don't know if it's addicted husband or alcoholic husband. Has a large collection. Must be alcoholic husband. Of empty vodka bottles hidden in the barn. I can't wrap my head around his continuing to pile them up. Is he embarrassed to toss them? Yes. Yes, he. He is embarrassed to toss them. And he might even think that you don't know that they're out there. A lot of times they'll sort of hide the empties thinking that they'll get rid of them. Like when you're not looking or right before trash day or they're going to take them off to The Recycle plays their self or whatever. But, yeah, they. That's what it is. They're embarrassed about getting rid of them, so they're. They're stacking them up and hiding them. That's a very common thing. Dawn says, love you so much. Hey, love you back. I have been having a very hard time with my. I don't know if it's alcoholic or addict. Is it sister? Maybe in one of your videos. Helped me stay sane. Had to watch him walk away. Oh, alcoholic addicted son. Had to watch him walk away with his belongings in a buggy. He stole over $600 in three days. On dying Dawn, I think. And I'm going to do a video about this soon. But the words you use in your head and. And when you write them down and out loud to other people, I'm dying. I just want you to be careful because the word words are powerful. And even when I talk to my clients and they use big, giant, especially negative words, I say, okay, let's look at that word, right? Like, if they say I can't do something, or if they say I always mess it up or something like that, I like to look at. It's called cognitive therapy. So I would just encourage you to be careful with your words there to make yourself feel better, I guess, is what I'm saying. I totally get it. But even if you. Even if you took the word I'm dying down to I'm worried, you know, that would help. If you wanted to be even better with your words to help yourself, you could say, I'm hopeful. Right? Changing your words will change the way you feel. It will change your outlook. And changing the way you feel changes how you act, which changes your outcome, changes the energy you put out. It changes everything around you, which can get you a different outcome. So be careful with your words, because it controls how you feel, which controls your energy, which controls your outcome. I know that's kind of a long formula there. Let's see here. Asher says, my is it addictive? Boyfriend officially chose alcohol and moved out yesterday. He said he was taking necessities only and would be back for the rest. Of course, all the vodka bottles are gone. Says something right. Takes the necessities only, but the vodka is gone. Yeah, it definitely speaks to what. What's happening. I don't know if you've seen this or not, Asher. I did a video a while back saying, why do you people with addictions choose their addictions over families, over their families, their loved ones? If you haven't seen that you might want to take a look at it. Might help you understand what's happening there, which might help you feel a little better. Hey, Jennifer. Hey, Debbie. And Steph. Look at all. I like all these hands raised up. Janet says, I hope I can get my son to take this seriously and accept help. I hope so too. And if you're watching these videos and you're interacting with him and the ways that we teach, the chances of him doing that go way up. You change your energy, it will change your outcome, even. Even the outcome of your relationship with your son and what's going on with him. Hey, Elizabeth, thank you for the sweet comment. Demolition says spending 100 days in treatment and outpatient recovery changed my life. Tried on my own, unsuccessfully, because I didn't want to admit I had a problem. Now 450 days sober. I love that you said that. So it's like I tried on my own because I didn't want to admit I had a problem. So if you can admit, I think that's just such a good point you're making. Because if it's like I can't acknowledge I have a problem, then what's the chances of my trying to solve it on my own gonna be right? Not that great. So it's a great example of what I was talking about. Like, a lot of times when people say I want to do it on my own, it doesn't really mean what they're saying. It means something else. It could mean I'm embarrassed. It could mean I don't believe I need to change. It could mean I. I'm scared. But a lot of times it means something deeper than what it seems like. Hey, the finisher. Thank you for your comments. Let's see here. Here's a question from Ann. They are saying they want help, but doing nothing to stop and sneaking daily. How do you address that? We just talked about this in our membership group yesterday. We had a live call. Once a month, we meet with our members only, and they send in questions and we answer them. And we had a question like this. When people say, I want help, but then they're not taking the steps, what you can do when someone says, I want help, then I want you to be prepared behind the scenes with some kind of help options, and I want you to help put those options in place. Because a lot of times an addictive person, they mean it when they say it, but that little window doesn't last very long. And a lot of times they don't have the resiliency to go through all the steps to get the help, like to make the phone calls, to ask the questions, to check the insurance to find out the options. It's a pain in the butt for anybody. And so if you feel in a little ambivalent about it and you're kind of scared anyway, and it's a big pain in the butt and you got to make 400 phone calls to make it happen, the chances aren't as good. So I know other people out there in the addiction recovery world, they'll say they need to make the calls themselves. I disagree. They need to agree to get help. They don't even have to say, I want help. They just have to say, I'll get help. So what you, you might can help in that process, you know, by saying something like, hey, you know, I know this lady who has some videos on YouTube. Can I send them to you or can I. I know a counselor who's on your insurance plan. I've heard really good things about them. Can I call them up? Are the questions or the things you might want to know so you can maybe assist and go ahead and get those things moving. If you, if you have a loved one who's telling you they're not going to get help and they don't have a problem, I want you to be doing this behind the scenes anyway. I want you to be doing the research because one day they're going to come to you and they're going to say that. And I want you to be ready to act quickly when that happens. Although I want you to act quickly, I want you to be calm and cool about it though, because if you start pushing like real hard too fast, you're gonna hit that. Like I. I'm scared to be out of the driver's seat button. She gotta be super cool, let them know they're still in driver's seat, but be of assistant, I call it. It's like opening the doors. They're saying, yes, I want to go, and all you're doing is walking in front. You just open the doors. That's all you're doing. They gotta step through it. You're just helping open the doors so that nothing's in their way. That's. Is it. Panty says you say you like Gavor mate, but those 12 steps don't follow his work. I'm not sure why you think the 12 steps don't follow Gabor Marante's work. I've read, I think I've read all of his books. If he's got one out there, hadn't read. I don't know about it. I don't. I don't know why it's inconsistent with what you're saying. Lori says, what does. What does drinking is part of my personality mean? Love your videos. Yeah, we talked about that just a second ago. It does become part of your identity. I talk to a lot of people who are trying to change, and they're like, everyone in my circle does this. Like, I don't even know how to act anymore. I don't even know what to do anymore. It does become part of your identity, but it doesn't have to stay part of your identity if you don't. If you don't want it to. And it doesn't mean that you're going to be dull and boring and loser. It doesn't mean any of those things. You're going to be more engaging. You're going to be more interesting. I know that's hard to believe, but it's true. Married a Long Time says, I know you don't want us to share these videos, but they are so on point. How can we get them to watch them? That's a good question. I get this all the time. I'm glad you're asking. I always love for you guys to share my videos. Love it, love it, love it. Because it helps me with my mission to help other people. So not only helping me, you're helping lots of other people when you do that, when you share, when you subscribe, when you hit the like button, you are helping spread the mission, and you're helping make sure that you get access to all the videos I make. But what Married a Long Time is saying is I do frequently say, I don't want you to share my videos in a way that feels like a jab at someone. So. So the way you do it that's actually helpful is you find one of my videos that, you know, a person will, like, totally agree with and be down with. Because I got a lot of videos. Like, I got a lot of videos talking about what the families do wrong. Find one of them videos and send that video. Like, I watched this video and Amber was saying I was doing all this and this and this wrong and, like, watch it. She's. She's saying, like, me trying to control you is wrong. And then. And then they're gonna be like, yeah, I agree with that woman. And then maybe a day or two later say, I saw this, another video Amber made and found another one that they're gonna agree with and send it along. And then what's going to happen is they're gonna watch a couple videos, and then my videos start showing up in their food feed, and they're like, if they go on YouTube and then they might click on some of those other videos, and because they already have some trust in what saying they will have trust built by the time they get to the things that I say that are harder to hear. It is literally the exact same process I teach you to do with your loved one. Listen and be empathetic and build trust before you ever actually push or say anything hard. So do the same thing with the videos, same process, and always ask, hey, I saw this thing. Would you mind if I sent it to you? Would you be willing to take a look at it? Would you be willing to let me know what you thought about it? Like, is this woman full of crap? Does she know what she's talking about? Saying it in a way that makes them feel in the driver's seat will make it more likely that they'll open the door and let that in. Is it. Maura says hello from Portugal. Hey, from Portugal. Been binge watching your videos. As I had an alcoholic male friend I have distanced myself as he is a narcissistic person. Is that alcohol or his personality? That's another really good question, Maura. And I actually have two videos specifically that talk about how to figure that out if you go on my channel or you can even just, like, search them up, But I think they're called something like, is it addiction or is it narcissism, or is it both? I think that's the name of one of them, and it'll tell you how to. How to figure that out. Because addiction makes people look narcissistic on the outside. Well, actually, addiction makes people act narcissistic sometimes and behave. But. But there's a big difference between someone that looks narcissistic because they're addicted and someone who really has, like, a real narcissistic personality disorder. And it's a smart thing to figure out, because one of those things can be fixed, and one of those things cannot. So if you're deciding how much time and effort to put into a relationship and you're not sure which one it is, it would be well worth your time to figure that out. So very smart question. Hey, Alicia, thank you for the sweet comment. And is it Suze from South Africa? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Here's a question from Curtis. So if I realize I have a problem and I know what I need to do, and I Put a foot forward, forward, and then fall back. How can I keep the steps going forward? That is also another really good question. I think first thing you got to do is damage control when you have a slip back. Because a lot of times when you slip back, you can tell yourself things like, I screwed it up, I ruined it. You know, maybe I had 60 days sober and now I'm back to day one. Well, that's not true. You can't undo your days sober. You can't undo your positive steps in the right direction. So what you do is you just get back up as quickly as possible, you dust yourself off, you learn from it, and you move forward. And if you're not sure what to learn from move forward. That's, that's where maybe you could like, do some research, which is exactly what you're doing right here. Just sitting here asking this question is doing research and getting some advice and feedback. Figure out, you know, what made me fall, learn my lesson and move forward. It is a learning process. There will be some back and forth in the process and you will figure it out. As long as you are continuing to get back up and you're continuing to learn and grow as a person, you're going to figure it out. Leanney, you're a real blessing to me. Well, thank you. I learned a lot from you. English is not my first language. It's Spanish. But I make an effort. This is very valuable information. Thank you for dedication. Hey, thanks for listening. And it sounds like it's hard for you because you have to listen in this sort of translate and your English is pretty good. In the comment, The finisher is talking to Curtis. Curtis, I do have some videos about relapse which might help you if you, if you're talking about those steps backward, if that's what you mean by that. This is good advice that you're getting here from finisher. And like I said, there are some other videos on the channel that will tell you about how to damage control that, what to do, who to tell, who not to tell, that kind of thing. Oops. Threaded says, is it okay to drink with your boyfriend if they started drinking again after four months on a monitor? That's another really good question. If your person, if you're like, let's say you have a, a person in your life who's alcoholic, there is always this question of do I drink with them? If they are telling you that they don't have a problem and they are not trying to stop or slow down, then I don't see any Reason for you not to drink with them. I don't think you should like egg it on or make it worse or you know, be like really encouraging them to drink too much. But sometimes if, if that person is not in the mindset of trying to change and they know you normally drink and then you stop drinking in front of them, they almost see that as a poke or an insult. I wouldn't over drink with them, but I wouldn't change your behavior so much as a way of making a statement to them. Now if they're trying to do better with alcohol and they're trying to stay sober or they're trying to drink less, that might be a reason to. That is not my. That is a reason to not drink in front of them because they're going to see that as supportive. So it's how they interpret it. Do they see it as supportive or do they see it as a dig? If they're going to see it as a dig, it's not helpful. But sometimes it makes them mad, sometimes it makes them want to drink more. It's like, screw you. I know what you're trying to say and, and I'm just going to try to make you mad back because they feel guilty about it and they try to hurt you back. Here's a good question, Joy T. Am I saying that right? My addicted son is saying he doesn't need help but he ruined the whole house atmosphere. It's affecting my 13 year old daughter too. How do I handle this? Great question. If he's saying, is he saying I don't need help because he doesn't think he has a problem? Is he saying he doesn't want help because he's going to do it on his own? I think maybe he's saying I don't want help because I don't think I have a problem. If that's the case, you don't need to talk to them anything about getting help. You need to back up and meet them where they're at, which is they think they don't have a problem. And there are certain steps that you need to take to help them realize that they have a problem. The biggest step of which is don't fix any of the messes, don't fix their problems. And the other piece of that is also don't be the bad guy. Don't let them make you out to be the problem. When you can do that, that's going to help them figure that out faster. Have ton of videos on the channel about that. Look for the playlist called how to get someone out of denial, if that's the case. And then there's other videos too about boundaries, which is the second part of your question too, about affecting the 13 year old. So there's the what do I do for him? How do I get him out of denial? And then there's the how do I hold boundaries? So you probably want to look at both those playlists. Is it normal to be terrified of failing, that you have complete anxiety of getting a DRS license after five years? I share your videos. Hold on, trying to make sure I'm understanding this quick. Is it normal to be terrified of failing, that you have complete anxiety of getting your is that doctor's license? And it, I think what you're saying is maybe you either had some kind of professional medical license or you're trying to get it and you're scared if you got it you would relapse. I think that feeling terrified, if you're saying is that normal? I don't think you should feel terrified of failing because feeling that amount of anxiety isn't helpful. Do I think that it should be on your radar that you're, that you're always vulnerable and that you have to keep your guard up and do what you need to do? Like there's like a healthy level of fear and then terrified, I would say is like an, an unhealthy level of fear. And, and if you've been stable in your recovery long enough, I definitely wouldn't let it stop you from moving forward. If it's your first day sober, that might be different. But if you, if you've been doing good for a while, you want to move forward, that's going to help you stay sober, like accomplishing your dreams, doing the work that you're meant to do, that's going to make you feel good about yourself, which is going to help you stay sober. That's what I would say. And thank you for sharing my videos. This is another hard question here, Redskis. Righteous readings. How do you get through to an addict in stages of long term addiction while trying to get custody of your kids? You probably don't. You're trying to accomplish two things at once, which is trying to accomplish keeping the kids safe and doing whatever you need to do to keep some kids safe. You need to put that, if the safety is an issue, if that's really a concern, then you need to put that first. But you're probably not going to be able to stay out of the bad guy roll and do that at the same time. I Mean, it could be done if you have a really good relationship with that person already and they're in agreement, but you probably can't be the good guy, be the support person, and then also be trying to get custody of their kids. If that's what you're saying. I think, I think that's what you're saying. So you're going to have to prioritize one over the other. If safety is an issue, then you prioritize the kids over. If safety is not an issue for the kids, then you can go back and prioritize getting that person out of denial first. Good question, though. Oh, driver's license. Oh, okay. Which saying, it's not a medical license. Thank you, that's helpful. Driver's license. How long have you or the person you're thinking of been sober? If it's five minutes and you know that if you had a driver's license, you drive straight to the place you don't need to be, then don't get it. But if you're just scared for scared sake, then I don't know about that because ultimately you want to be able to drive. I mean, ultimately you need to be back driving so you can do the things in life that are important to you. So don't deprive yourself just for the point of it. But if you know you're having the sneaky thoughts and if you have the keys, that's what you do, then make the smart choice and don't get the license yet. Elizabeth says my husband agreed to try soberlink as part of marriage therapy, but then basically never did the test, made excuses, didn't help. Do you recommend SoberLink for trust building and therapy? Yes, I do recommend SoberLink. You may have seen me do videos about SoberLink. I am a huge, huge fan. SoberLink is an alcohol monitoring program. It's a device, but it's more than just like a breathalyzer. Like you can get anywhere. It's a whole program. I'm a big fan. But somebody already needs to be sober to be on it. Like, like. Or at least have made the decision that they're going to be sober. Like if someone is still actively drinking and then they get on it and they're not even off to any start at all, then you might see that they're making excuses or whatever. If someone doesn't take their test, it means they're drinking. End of story. That's it. If someone is 15 minutes late on one test doesn't mean anything. If someone's not taking their tests, that's a positive, all there is to it. And so if it's not working, it's consistently not working, then I say stop doing it. The reason is because the longer you let it go and it doesn't work, it's becoming a more ineffective tool. And I would stop it and then go back to it. If you got to a different, if you got to a different stage of it and he was more ready. I've had people do that several times. I've got a personal right now who was on soberlink twice before and it didn't work and now it's working really good. And he says, if it weren't for this silver link, this is the thing that's making the difference. If it weren't for this, I wouldn't be doing this. Well, so you, you want to sort of know when to play that card, I guess, is what I would say. David says my wife filed for divorce after 25 years. She's an alcoholic and I believe if she didn't drink, our marriage could be saved. Is there any way of getting through to her that the alcohol is controlling her? I'm sorry to hear that. David, you also, I know I mentioned it earlier to someone, like, if you haven't seen that video about, you know, I think I even have a video called like exactly what I titled it, but basically, like, what the heck? They left me. Like the addicted person left the sober person, which sounds like maybe what you're dealing with and it kind of explains that and why that might help. You can, you can, if she did, can you get through to her? Basically, if you're have, if you're divorced, if you're going through a divorce or you are divorced or whatever, and you still have a somewhat friendly relationship and you want to help get her out of denial, then yeah, you can still use all the same steps that I normally teach and sometimes once. Well, a lot of times the person's in denial because they blame the spouse very. Most of the time that's the case. And so you stepping out of the bad guy roll and then you're not even there. And then the, the problem still continues. Is sometimes helpful for them to see, hey, I guess it wasn't just him. Maybe, maybe it is alcohol, but that may take a while. Here's a question. Is the alcoholic in denial? If they want to cut down, but they don't want to become sober. Thank you for all your videos. Hey, thank you for the sweet comment. Yeah, I would say probably some level of denial. I've seen videos about different kinds of denial. There's like. There's like, the kind that most people think of, which is like, I don't have a problem at all. You people are crazy. Like, I'm totally fine. That kind of denial, like, full now. And then there's a okay, I got a problem, but it's not that bad kind of denial. And then there's the okay, like, this is a bad problem, but I can do it on my own kind of now, which we're talking about today. And one of the cons is like, okay, yeah, it's a problem, but I need to, like, cut it back. That's sort of that second level, which is, I have a problem, but it's not that bad. And those are phases that everyone goes through as they're coming out of denial. So that's a phase of coming out of denial, I guess, is what I would say. They're not all the way out. They're halfway out. And you have to let people try that, figure out how that works or doesn't work. Kim says, do I believe in functional alcoholic if. Or kanece. I said the name wrong. If you look back at the live video I did last week, we talked about this specifically. Actually, I have several videos on this. A functional alcoholic. I'll give you the quick take on it, but you can go back to listen in detail if you want to hear more in detail about what I think about it. But functional alcoholic is just someone in an earlier stage of alcoholism. It's like someone that has stage two cancer. It's. It. It's just, yes, they have the problem, but they just haven't lost everything yet and they're still pretending. That's the short answer. That's at least a little helpful. All right, everybody, I will put up more resources for you on how to get sober on your own without having to go to treatment, which is fine for you up here so that you can do it, do it smart and not have to, like, go through all those painful ups and downs and take years and years when you can get this done quicker. I'll put it up. So watch those videos next. I'll put them right up here. Thanks, everybody who showed up live and everybody who's watching on the playback. I'll see you next time. Bye, everybody.