Parenting An Addict😩😟😠

Hi, this is Amber Hollingsworth from Informed Recovery. So I guess today's session is all about to say I get it. Parents, it is different. And I get that in addiction treatment in 12 step groups, your friends, your family, cousins, they might say things like, I'll tell you what I do. I just throw them out, or I just do this. And I know how absolutely impossible that is. I deal with families every single day. And I've never told a family that you have to throw this kid out. And I don't. I don't. I mean, I like to never say never, but I don't anticipate doing that because I get. It's just so difficult, and there's no easy solution. And doing that doesn't necessarily fix that kid, and it doesn't fix you. I know that's kind of like a little bit of a dark message, but I'm putting it out there just to say I really get it. If you have any familiarity with Al Anon, then you'll know about the three Cs concepts. The three Cs, if you're not familiar, are, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. I'm a huge fan of the three Cs. I talk with people about those. And the biggest reason I do that is because helping families understand that really, I guess you would say, takes down the reactivity because parents feel so much. I mean, moms especially, they just have this thing. And I call it parent guilt. And I think all moms have parent guilt to some degree. You know, my kid does something bad in kindergarten or they hit another kid, then we're like. And we see that really as a projection of some mistake we made or how we weren't enough of a parent. So you could imagine that magnified into. My child is struggling with a substance abuse problem. And what I want to say is, no, you definitely did not cause it. And no, you can't really cure it, and you can't really control it. But I think you can influence it. It's our mission at Informed Recovery to empower families through information. So let's just take a step back first and sort of dive into what doesn't exactly work about the hands off type approach from Alanon, which I truly love. It's called detach in a loving manner. And it's very helpful because one of the first things we have to do is get families to, like, rein in the reactivity. Like, okay, breathe, stop reacting, stop trying to control it and be. We Call it around here, we call it the CSI Moms and dads. It's kind of like when you have a kid with this problem, you develop like, investigator skills that you never had before. Maybe you have like a black light or something and you're like running around looking for evidence, but you're definitely smelling your kid. I like to say you don't give hugs anymore. You give smell checks. And you look through their wallet and their room and at their bank account and drive by where they said they were going to be. It really kind of turns you into like a private investigator. It can bring out an ugly side in parents and have you doing things you never thought you would do. And there are reasons for that. Number one reason is biology. Okay, let's face it, if you're doing these things, basically what it means is your biology works. As a parent, you're wired up. Everything inside of you instinctually drives you to protect your child, look after your child, try to create the best environment for your child. That just means biology is working. You are doing what you are wired to do. The unfortunate problem with an addiction is that that's gonna make it worse. I guess I would say that there's probably a word that's bigger than misfortunate, but you get what I mean. With anything else in life, following those instincts are gonna lead you pretty much in the right direction. With addiction, though, it really, it exploits the natural motivation and protection centers in our brain, and it kind of attacks that control central station and takes it over. So regular parenting things will not work when you're dealing with an addict. And just a sidebar note here, a lot of parents ask me the question, how do you know if it's an addiction problem or a substance use disorder versus just regular teen or college or young adult, like experimentation, social drinking, you're using. And. And one really good simplified way to think about that is you've tried all the regular parenting techniques and none of them have worked. And that's where all that didn't cause it. You can't cure it, you can't control it. Stuff comes in because that stuff really just won't work. So number one reason why it's hard to fall into those al anon thinking concepts is because your biology, your biology is kicking in there and it's telling you, look after your kid, get them through high school. I mean, I gotta say, and this isn't always in moms, but we particularly see it in moms. This wiring inside of you, it's so strong. Like, you just know Something's up. And maybe you can't explain it to anyone. And maybe your husband doesn't even believe you. And he thinks that you're, like, crazy and you're reactive and all kids do this, but everything inside of you says, no, something's wrong, and I've got to get to the bottom of it. That is your biology. It's your natural gut instinct. It's your limbic or emotional center of your brain being very, very in tune with your child. And we just know. Sometimes we can't put our finger on it, but we know something's wrong. We are so in tune with our children. We're wired up that way. We can just feel the slightest bit of off difference. They're just breathing different. They're just walking different. And everyone around you is going to say you're crazy. You always think they're up to something. You're so negative. Well, guess what, Angel? Amber believes you. Because I am huge believer in the gut instinct, especially with a parent. If a parent calls me up and they tell me, amber, I don't have any evidence. I got nothing. I've searched, but I'm telling you something's up. I believe you. You don't have to have any evidence. That's evidence enough for me. If you tell me your gut says it done. Totally believe that. Because I know that your gut tells you the truth. It'll tell you the truth quicker than evidence will. The other problem with Alanine thinking besides that whole biology part, is it's like, yeah, the concept makes sense and we believe it, but our biology is telling us to override it. Is there's the whole legal part. If you're a parent, if your kid is less than 18, in most states, you're still responsible for them. So even if you can get past the biology and you're wholeheartedly in your Alan on, hey, I'm backing up, like, natural consequences for you. Then legally, you still are responsible for their behavior. I mean, maybe you've had it and it's gone on. It's been so bad, so long. You're like, fine, leave. Go see your friend. You may even be to the point that you want to throw them out. You might be shocked to find out that you can't. And we're in South Carolina. And I gotta tell you, in this state, it's the worst at 17 years old. Because, like, at 17, the kid actually can, like, leave your house without permission. So they can just be like, screw you. I don't want to deal with this. And they can go off to their friend's house and be gone for, like a week. And there's not really anything you can do about it. But if they say, no, I'm coming back home, you have to let them back in. So you really get sort of caught in this legal, difficult predicament where you're still responsible for them, but you can't really control them. And this is so frustrating because you might feel now, some of this might be real and some perceived, but most parents feel this pressure coming from the outside, whether it's from schools or friends or family members or the police or whoever it is, where you just feel like they're just looking down at you with this judgment of, why can't you control your kid? Or, you know, like, get a handle on this situation. And you've tried everything. Listen, you've taken the advice from the aunts, you've read some books, you've done what the teachers have said, you've done what the counselor said, and it doesn't seem to get under control. And that just makes the shame inside of you that much worse. And the last reason why it's really hard to get a hold of this detach with love philosophy that you hear about so much would be the fact that they're your kids. And you can't just walk away from it. You can't just. If you ignore it, you can't just turn your heart off. I mean, I'm just gonna be blunt here. If this is your husband or this is your wife, I get like. I don't want to minimize it all. It is difficult to make the decision to walk away, to get a divorce. You may have to turn your whole life upside down. It may be the absolute last thing you ever wanted to do. It might wreck your finances. It might go against your values and your beliefs to do so. But biologically, it's easier to do honestly, because our spouses kind of drive us crazy anyway, even if they're not addicts and alcoholics. And there's probably something inside of you that's screaming like, I don't want to deal with this anymore. And when it comes to our kids, yes, we may have that thought every now and then, but we can't. We cannot divorce our kids, even if we throw them out, even if we say, I'm done. Like, I'm not. I'm not dealing with you unless you can pass your drug screens or whatever. Doing that kills a part of your heart and your spirit because it's so ingrained in who you are. You cannot just turn it off. And there's absolutely no easy solution for a parent with this problem. Throwing them out doesn't fix it. You will grieve and hurt and worry. You don't ever get past that. As long as your kids out there and you don't know what's going on with them, you don't. It doesn't. It can get a little better, but you don't get past it. It's your kid. You might get over a divorce, but you're probably not ever gonna fully recover from that. As long as your kids out there and you don't know that they're safe and they're okay. And letting them stay and living with it in your house, that's not a good option either, because they will make you crazy. They'll destroy everything you have. They will literally turn you into a person that you cannot even recognize anymore. In other sessions in informed recovery, I'm going to teach you some things that you can do to influence it. So instead of focusing on where your power lives, let's look at where you're powerful, because there actually there's a lot of things you can do to try to influence this addiction. Now, you got to be careful with this information because I don't want you to get more csi. Like, I don't want you to get crazier and try to dig and control it. I want you to learn the skills that it takes to influence. And I got to tell you, they're really different than what you think. Put down the black light. That's not going to do it. See you next time on informed recovery.