Problematic Behavior vs. Real Addiction: Understanding The Difference

I love the fact that there is all this mental health content out there. I mean, of course I do. I'm a mental health content creator. But like most things, there is a drawback to the situation. And one of the big drawbacks to the situation is the fact that sometimes people do this sort of like armchair psychologist diagnosing of themselves, but even more problematic of the people around them. We hear all the time. We read these blogs, we watch these videos, and they talk about things like narcissism, things like bipolar disorder, things like addiction. And the problem comes in is that we humans naturally do something called confirmation bias. And basically, it's sort of a subconscious thing that we're doing. We're not purposely doing it, but we look for information that fits with what we already think, and we purposely filter out, or I guess subconsciously filter out information that doesn't fit with what we think. And that too often leads to us mislabeling a situation. You know, like mislabeling ourselves, but like I said before, even more problematic mislabeling the people around us. You see this especially in cases where maybe someone is having some kind of difficulty in a relationship with someone. Maybe a sibling, a parent, a child, a partner, spouse. When you're having a difficult time in a relationship with someone, it might send you to go online and do some research or maybe get some books and do some research. I'm kind of like that. Like, if I'm having a problem in my life, I start studying it. I'm more of a figuring it out, like, learning about it kind of person than I am even a talking about it kind of person, which I know might sound kind of weird, given that a counselor by training. But when I've got something going on, I want to understand what's going on. So it's a natural instinct to want to do that, to want to get out there and find out what could possibly be going on. The problem is, is that in mental health, what we do to diagnose people is we look at a collection of symptoms. The problem is, is that so many of the symptoms cross over and into countless diagnosis. Like if someone is irritable and having difficulty sleeping and they're moody and they're sort of disenchanted with life, what could it be? It could be depression. It could be addiction. It could be a bipolar disorder, it could be social anxiety, it could be hormones. It could be a medical issue. It could be so many things. And all we know when we're doing that research is we're looking at Maybe a. A few little symptoms, but too often we don't really put those symptoms in a context. And I think that's where the difference comes from when you're looking at like an armchair kind of diagnosis versus a clinical diagnosis. Clinicians, people in the mental health field, they've seen so many cases of narcissism, bipolar, addiction, depression, anxiety, all the things that it's a little easier for us to figure out what's within the normal realm and what's outside the normal realm. I mean, think about teenagers, for example. Teenagers are moody and grumpy and terrible, and their sleep is off, and they're rebellious and they got all kind of things going on. They could be experimenting with substances. And so it's so difficult to pull apart what is in that normal teen behavior and what maybe is actually pathological or an illness that's happening that needs actual treatment. We too often jump to conclusions, and we particularly do that with the people closest to us. There are some. There are just a few diagnoses out there that feel like they're sort of the diagnosis of the day. And it changes over the years. Recently, currently, the diagnosis of the day, I bet you guys already know what it is. If you know what it is, type it in the chat, right? Or raise your hand. I'll tell you what the most common one is, but I think you probably already know. But other ones are things like bipolar disorder, things like you're an alcoholic, you're a borderline, stuff like that. People throw these labels out there, and it can do some real damage to your relationship with that person. Because if you're researching it, you're probably trying to figure out what to do about the relationship to begin with. And when you mislabel someone inadvertently, then you're probably not going to be trying the right strategies to fix it, and the person's probably going to be really insulted. I hear clients all the time. Like. Like a lot of times clients get to me because their family members have been watching my videos, which, hey, I'm glad I'm not. I'm not griping about people watching my videos or sending me clients. Love it. Both. But one of the things I hear from my clients all the time is I'm so sick of hearing this psycho babble. Like, they're just telling me this diagnosis and they're using these fanc words and analyzing this and that and, oh, my gosh, can't. Can't we just be a couple? Can't you just be a human? Can't I just be a human, and they get resentful and frustrated. So in our efforts to try to understand someone, maybe try to repair relationship, we end up pushing the situation further. And obviously that can be problematic no matter what the diagnosis is. But it is especially even more problematic when it comes to addiction. The reason is, is because not only does someone really resent being mislabeled or put into a category and psychoanalyzed, but even if you're right, and even if it is addiction, it doesn't work very well to tell someone else that they are an addict. Sometimes people will accept it. If you tell them they're depressed, they'll say, yeah, maybe I'm kind of depressed. If you tell people they're anxious, they'll grab on to that. They'll grab on maybe even to, like, they have some kind of mood disorder sometimes. But let me tell you what people don't grab onto. Alcoholic addict, gambling addict, sex addict, that kind of thing. People don't want to accept that even if it's the case. So you've got to be careful for, number one, misreading a situation. And number two, even if you read it correctly, just going around and throwing the label out there isn't very helpful. Even as a. Even as a, like, trained addiction specialist. When someone asks me if they are an addict or an alcoholic, I immediately, I'm like, okay, this is a. This is a trap right here. This is a trick question. Because if I answer in a way that they don't think I should answer, if I give them the wrong answer according to their perception, then I've immediately destroyed my credibility. So the way I always answer that question is I'll say, I don't know. Let me read you the criteria and you tell me which ones of these you have, and we'll count it up. We'll figure it out together. So I let people diagnose themselves when it comes to, you know, they're coming to terms with what's going on. And sometimes people are surprised about what the actual criteria are, and they end up meeting a lot more of the criteria than. Than they may think. Now, the truth is, in most cases, I already know after talking with someone a little bit, because usually we have like, you know, assessment forms filled out, we have family member intake forms, all this kind of stuff. So I have pretty good idea. But I also use my clinical judgment to know that it's not so helpful to just throw that label out there or to start spitting a lot of psychobabble at people, because even as a trained clinician, I Try to stay away from all that fancy psychological talk because it's a turn off. You guys know, if you watch my videos, I like to use plain, regular people conversation. So just be careful when you're out there analyzing everyone around you. When you're out there diagnosing, if you have a cycle, if you're psychological minded, I mean, I am too. I get it. You, you, you maybe immediately do that, even when you don't want to do that. You're, you're sizing a situation up because you just think like that, okay? And maybe you do it automatically, but you can at least put a little filter on yourself to say, you know what? I don't know everything about this person. All I know is a few behaviors that I'm seeing. And only that person knows why they're doing what they're doing. And it's really the why underneath that matters when it comes to mental health diagnosis. So not only can we mislabel someone as something when they don't have it, but we can also miss the label when it is there. For example, earlier this week. No, actually it was last week, last Wednesday, I think I released a video called A Day in the Life of a Functional Alcoholic. And I knew this video might get some comments on it because it's really different than my normal videos. You know, my normal videos are like this, they call it like a talking head video, where I'm just like talking, teaching. And this video was actually like showing the daily routine from getting up in the morning and what happens during the day with a functional alcoholic. So in case you haven't seen the video, basically it's me. I'm playing the functional alcoholic. And you'll be able to tell I'm not an actress. You know, you do that and you're like, hey, maybe the second thing's harder than you think because you can tell when you watch it. I'm definitely not. But in the video, you can see me go through my day from the time I wake up all the way till like almost like bedtime. And you can watch me drinking. And just so you know, I wasn't really drinking. No actual alcohol was consumed. Because some people are like, oh my gosh, you're drinking and driving in the car. I'm filming it. But I really wasn't. But that's what the video is supposed to demonstrate. So someone put a comment on the video and they said, how can you call someone an alcoholic if they've drank like five or six drinks in the course of like nine and a half Hours. And I thought that was actually a fairly legitimate question. And it really brought to my mind, I'm like, yeah, I guess there is a lot of misunderstanding about what constitutes an alcoholic, which, by the way, isn't even a real clinical term. The fancy clinical term is substance use disorder. And then they'll specifically put alcohol use disorder, cocaine use disorder, whatever, whatever in the front of it. That's what you technically call it. I still use the words addict and alcoholic, but it's a good question. You know, if you can metabolize about a drink an hour, you're looking at nine and a half hours. You're looking at five or six drinks. You'd be like, well, how would you even call that a functional colic? And the reason is, is because substance use disorder, to be appropriate about it, isn't measured by what substance someone is doing or how much they're doing it. And I think that's a common misconception. It's measured by the amount of dysfunction and problems the behavior is causing in that person's life. So in the. In the particular video, if you haven't seen it, raise your hand. If you've seen it, raise your hand. Emoji, I should say, if you have seen it. But in the video, what you see first thing is, you know, wake up in the morning, and I say, oh, my gosh, I feel terrible. Basically, my skin is a mess. I'm talking about how I feel bad physically. It's affecting my. My skin. And then I promise myself, like, no more vodka on weekdays, right? So that. That right there is two symptoms of how alcohol is affecting me. You can hear it because basically, it's like, there's a little narration to it. It's like the thoughts that I'm having. Not. Not a lot of talk narration. And you're already looking at two criteria right there. And I haven't even taken a drink yet in the video. But then what you see is you see me working. And while I'm at work, I'm texting my husband to say, hey, I'm gonna go eat lunch with my friend. Because I know that I'm gonna order drinks at lunch, and I know he's gonna question, why was your lunch bill so high? Because it's gonna be onto me. So I'm preemptively making an excuse about why the lunch bill so high when I'm not really going, my friend, I'm really gonna go have lunch, and I order a drink at lunch. Then. So you got lying, right? So now you've got it's causing negative physical effects. You've got promises to cut back or control and not being able to do it because by lunch I'm already drinking. And then you've got lying to your partner. There's been one drink drink in this video. But look at all the problems. Problematic behavior that's happening already. This is how you measure addiction. You know, later on in the video, you can see me buy alcohol and drink it in the car while I'm driving. You see me hiding the alcohol. You see me distracting my husband so I can go out to the trunk and get some alcohol out and sneak a drink. You see me hiding the evidence. You see me going up to my office and sneak in, like, a little bottle that's hidden behind the bookshelf so I can take another drink. So it's not about how much you're drinking. It's about all that other stuff. And I think a lot of people probably misunderstand what alcoholism or addiction is. Most commonly, people don't see it when it is there. That's the most common thing. But other times, people, they jump to calling someone an addict or an alcoholic when it's not there. Now, sometimes we use the word casually, and we don't really mean it, like, diagnostically. Like, we might say, oh, I'm so depressed today. And. And we know when we're saying that, we're not really saying, like, I have a major depressive disorder. We're just saying, like, I'm having a crappy day or whatever. So sometimes we use those words just kind of in a casual nature. And there's really nothing wrong with that because people know what you mean when you do that. Like, you might say, oh, my gosh, I'm so addicted to whatever. And. And you don't really mean I have an addictive disorder. You just mean, like, I have a bad habit. You see this with, like, social media, phones, all these other things people will say, oh, I'm addicted to. And yes, you addicted to those things. But when you drill down to the criteria, is somebody really addicted or are they not? If you're watching this video live or even on the playback, have you ever had someone try to throw a label on you like that? If so, I'd love to hear about it. You know, what did. What did someone think that you were. How did they deal with that? How did you respond to that? Was it helpful? Was it not? Because I find that almost every time it's not so helpful. The only time it can be helpful is when someone actually feels like that they have a problem with something, maybe they're not sure what it is, and they're actually asking you what you think. Like I said, even as a clinician, I try to like, be careful even when someone straight out asks me, because mostly people ask me about alcoholism or drug addiction or something like that. And it's sort of a trick question. So as you're consuming all this content, even my content, try to put context into the situation. The video that was released this week was all about the context. It wasn't really about the number of drinks. It was about how I was drinking, what was happening with the drinking, as opposed to how many actual drinks. Because on the other end of it, I could have showed that I was out partying one night and had 10 drinks. And then I could say, this is not an alcoholic. Because just because you had 10 drinks in one night, maybe even got a DUI, had 10 drinks and you had a DUI still doesn't mean you're alcoholic. It is the context around the situation. And that's where that amateur diagnosis thing can be kind of a problem. If you want to know what the actual, real, for real criteria of addiction are, I have some videos out there that actually where I go through all the criteria for you, I have. You can go to our website and download the criteria if you want to, like, read them for free. Basically, there's 11 of them. And when you're looking at those 11 criteria, what you're looking at is has this specific thing happened numerous times in the past 12 month period? So it means whatever you're looking at, it's happened more than one time. Okay. And it's happened within the past 12 months period. Not like one of the things happened this year, something else happened four years ago. You've got to look at the whole situation to figure out is it really an addiction? What I like about the actual clinical criteria of it is it doesn't just say, isn't it a substance use disorder or not. It'll tell you based on how many criteria is what level of substance use disorder is it, Is it mild, moderate, severe? And you can actually get a much better realistic point of view on that. Now, if I did that same sort of assessment, if I went through the criteria with the person who has an addiction and I went through those same criteria with their family member, I'm very likely to get two separate counts on symptoms. Right? Because they're not going. We're not even going to read those criteria the same way. So I think it's important even when you read the criteria to understand exactly what it means. So when I go through them with my clients, I'll say that means sort of like this. Or I'll even say, you remember when you said this thing to me earlier, that's kind of counts into this or whatever because sometimes it's. They don't. You don't even quite have the same. I don't, you know, you don't have the same agreement on what that criteria actually means. Like for example, there's a criteria about tolerance, There's a criteria about have you had multiple un. Successful efforts to cut down or control your use. And, and not always. People don't always know what that means because they may say, oh yeah, like I quit drinking for 30 days last month, so yeah, I'm able to quit when I want to. But if they had 30 days sober, but they told themselves, they promised themselves and other people around them that they were going to stop completely, but then they went back after 30 days and they've had multiple kinds of tests like that, then that counts in that criteria. That's where all this nuance stuff comes in, right? It's like, just because you can stop doesn't mean you're not addicted. If I had to bring it down to an oversimplified definition, then I would bring it down to have. It means you have a very hard time stopping once you start. That's a little bit oversimplified, but it's a better measure because most people measure it as like, well, I don't drink every day or I don't use every day or, or you know, I can go without it, or I have gone without it for periods of time. But that's not actual good way to measure whether or not you actually have addiction or not. It's a lot more components to that when it comes to addiction. I think if, if someone tells me that they are an addict or an alcoholic, I pretty much take them at their word. Nothing else even needs to be said because I mean, I might like ask some questions, but they're probably right because you don't come to that conclusion easily. Now if someone else tells me that their loved one is an addict or an alcoholic, I'm probably going to lean towards relieving them. But I am going to ask a lot more questions to figure out whether it really is that going on or not. So self diagnosing yourself an addict, you're probably pretty on target with it because you're not usually questioning it unless there's some kind of problematic behavior. Going on, and it's been going on a while, and you've tried other things to make it better and some other things. So people usually get it right when it's about themselves. They don't always get it right when it's about someone else. Other mental health diagnoses aren't quite the same way. A lot of people have the. The diagnosis really should be addiction. But if you ask them, it's depression or anxiety or grief or all these other things. And. And the reason they feel like that is because they have the symptoms of all those other things. And what a lot of people don't realize is that the reason they have the symptom of all those other things is actually because of the addiction. It's messing with their brain chemistry. It's messing with their ability to perform activities of daily living, their relationships. So people who have addiction look like they have pretty much every mental health disorder. They look like they look like narcissists because they seem selfish. And they will choose their addiction over doing the right thing by someone else a lot. Okay, so they could look like a narcissist. They're going to look bipolar because their mood is going to be all over the place. Sometimes they're fine, and other times they're irritable. And one of the really common things I hear all the time is they're actually a lot nicer when they are using or they are high. And I'm like, yeah, because when they're not, they're in withdrawal. So, you know, they look moody, they look borderline, they look like they have anxiety disorder, they look like they're add. And yes, they're having those symptoms. But what. Where are the symptoms coming from? And that's where you have to really get in and understand what's going on in someone's life, why it's going on, and what happened first, what happened second, what happened third, all that kind of stuff. So don't just jump to a conclusion. I bet doctors feel that same way too. You know, we all. If we have a symptom, a physical symptom, we go online, and before you know it, we've convinced ourselves we have cancer. It's sort of that same thing. But we do it with psychological things, and we more aptly do it with labeling other people. We don't quite label other people with medical diagnosis as often. I mean, I'm sure that happens, but it's not as prevalent. I'd love to hear from you guys about your experience with this. For those of you who are Guessing what the most common I think overused misdiagnosis is. It is narcissism. It drives me crazy. Everyone is a narcissist. If someone seems to not have empathy for your situation, they are a narcissist. And every time I say that, I get in trouble and people get mad because they say that. You know, for those people who are in relationships with narcissist, I'm doing them wrong by saying that I'm not, I'm not, I'm not telling anyone specific that your husband is not a narcissist. But I am saying that it is way overused. And it's one of those super frustrating ones because if you've got someone in that category, it's something that really can't be fixed. And so not only can have you labeled them that, but you've like totally given up on them about that. And it's going to change the way that you're interacting with them, which is probably going to actually create kind of a. A self fulfilling prophecy kind of thing, like a manifestation thing. Like you're treating them a certain way, they're going to keep acting back to you a certain way. And then that's that confirmation bias thing happening there. All right, Bri, let's see what other people have to say about this topic while you're getting your questions up there. I'll remind you we have more resources in the description. I think I forgot to put the link to the criteria for addiction, but I will put it in there as soon as I get off of here. So I'll put it in the comments and in the description. But there are more links, all kinds of resources there. All right, Bri, what do we got? Bailey says, I'm so lost. I feel I have done everything possible to help my mom, who is an alcoholic. She says she wants to change and acknowledge she has a problem, but still drinks till she's drunk. Four days a week, my mom tries to trick us into drinking with her, saying, let's celebrate with a drink or let's go home and have a few drinks. That way I won't be drinking and driving, etc. What do I say to her? Okay, so there's a, there's a. There's a lot here. You're. Let's start with your specific question, Bailey. What do I say to her? Some people would disagree me with me on this, so just take it for what we will. I would say if you would normally have a drink in that situation and you want to have a drink in that situation, then have it. Now, a lot of people get mad when they hear me say things like that because they're like, well, you're enabling that person. But here's the thing. If someone is not in an active stage of change and you are like not having a drink with them when you know you want to and you normally, you know you normally would, they're going to take that as a judgment. They're going to take that as a criticism, right? Because they're like, oh, they know that you're trying to send a message by not doing that. And that's not very helpful. It actually makes people feel more defensive. Okay, if you don't want to have a drink or you wouldn't normally have a drink, then don't. So what I would say to you is make that decision a lot more based on you and your preferences and what's going on and whether or not you have to drive or whatever, than trying to figure out whether or not you having a drink with someone else is being a bad influence. I mean, if you go out and you super slam back the drinks with someone and then you know they have to drive home, I mean, I guess there's a little bit of responsibility in that, but what you're talking about is kind of different. So like I said, other people might tell you different on that, but that's my stance on it. Phil, do you ever tell point out to your spouse who you feel are displaying alcoholic or problematic, that they are displaying the criterias of the problematic behavior? I think I like the way you're saying this a little better. So what you're saying is maybe you don't tell them like that they're an alcoholic, but maybe you tell them like there's a problem here. I would probably even the word you're using in this sentence are a little bit clinicy criteria, problematic behavior. Now that sounds like something I would say in my clinician, you know, Persona or whatever. But it's more helpful rather than say, you are a drug addict, you're an alcoholic, if you will say, hey, I'm uncomfortable with a certain situation. When you have more than three drinks and then you're driving us home. I'm uncomfortable when blank happens. So instead of putting the giant label on them, let them come to the conclusion with the label. Usually if there's some kind of really out of bound behavior, they're probably going to know that it's an out of bound behavior. They might be a little defensive, but they're probably going to agree with you and they're probably going to say something like, you're right, I shouldn't have done that, got too much, or whatever, I'll do better. Right? So, yes, you can point out, like, if something specifically is out of bounds, especially if that something specifically comes into what I call your side of the street, where their behavior is having a negative impact on you or maybe your children or, you know, somebody like that, then you can point that out. But I would avoid using overly clinical terms and I would avoid saying, you know, that's a symptom of alcoholism, and I would avoid putting a big label on it because it's going to make them reject what you're trying to say. It's going to make sure that your message doesn't get across. I think you'll have more luck going the other way. Married a Long Time says, my biggest problem is figuring out, is it alcohol or is it dementia setting into depression? How do I get him to see a doctor so we can determine what's going on without insulting him? I would just say I would keep it. I wouldn't use any big words. I wouldn't use the word dementia. I wouldn't use the word alcohol. I'd say, hey, I'm concerned. You seem to have some memory problems lately. You know, should we get that checked out? Just keep it casual. Common language specific to what you're seeing without trying to label it. A lot of people, if it is alcohol related, they know that it's alcohol related and they're going to resist going to the doctor because they know darn well why it's happening happening. Now, they may not be telling you that because sometimes it's like, you know, you have a whole conversation the night before and then they don't remember it the next day. And they're going to make a million excuses as to why they can't remember it. Or even more likely, they're going to pretend they do remember it when you can tell that they don't remember it, but they know it's because they were drunk, they know it was because they were drinking. And they're not going to tell you that because maybe they're trying to lie to you and they're trying to tell you either they weren't drinking or they're trying to tell you they didn't drink that much. So a lot of times when people are resisting going to the doctor over it, it's because they know why it's happening. Karen Thompson says, I'm trying to figure out if depression called alcohol caused Al, caused the Alcoholism or if alcohol is causing the depression. This is the, the chicken or egg question, Karen, and it's very common. And I don't have an answer for you, but what I can tell you is this. I can tell you even if there was depression first, alcoholism is definitely making it a hundred. And I can also tell you that regardless of what came first, you will not fix depression until you fix the alcoholism. So if you know both problems are there and, and you're thinking which one came first, the only way you're really going to figure that out is to get the alcoholism out. You've got to get the alcoholism out to figure out are they still depressed or, you know, once they were sober 60 or 90 days, they actually felt a lot better. In that case, you know, it was probably mostly the alcohol causing the problem. Sometimes the depression is still there and then you can treat that depression. But too often people try to treat the anxiety, the depression, the other symptoms of the problem, and it just never will get better because it's actually coming from the substance use disorder. Naomi says, why does addiction cause my spouse to run away? And no communication, sometimes for months. Every time he relapses, poof, he's gone. It's destroying our family. The whole going MIA thing is unfortunately all too common. And it happens. I mean, I guess it could happen with any substance use disorder, but there are certain substances where you, where you tend to see that people go on these like benders or binges where they literally like going out to the store and then you don't see them for three or four days and they won't answer their phone. Those substances are usually specifically like stimulant substances like cocaine or methamphetamine. You see people go MIA with those, they go off the edge, they go on these benders and you literally can't get a hold of them. Now with any substance, they may go MIA for a few hours, but when you see people gone for days and weeks at a time, they won't answer their phone. They're just literally like gone. It's usually a drug and like I said, I'm guessing here, but I see it more common with this stimulant kind of addiction. Question I think my husband is a high functioning alcoholic. How can I convince him to get help? My mental health is so bad at the moment due to burnout of dealing with the problem, and I don't have the bandwidth to show empathy or understanding to deal with this. Well, you're in a tough spot because the fastest way to get someone to see it is to have empathy. And I'm not saying that to make you feel bad because I totally get it. And I'll. And I'll just be honest with you guys. If it were my spouse, I'm not even sure that I would stick in there all that long because everyone has a limit, you know, even myself. I don't see myself as some kind of limitless. I can show empathy and understanding forever. I can kind of do that with my clients because I see them like hour at a time. Right. But that's a whole different thing living with them. And it's a whole different thing when their behaviors are affecting your life. So if you know that you're at the end of your rope, then what I would tell you is maybe it's time to focus on what you need instead of figuring out what they need. Because trying to force yourself to stay when you're way past capacity like that, you've got more chances of doing things to make it worse. And I don't say that because I'm saying it's your fault, but you're probably going to lose it. You're probably going to be overly confrontive. I'm saying that because that's what I would do. Okay, so I'm just projecting on you here but. And that usually makes things even worse. We have a, an online course called the Invisible Intervention which tells you step by step by step how to get someone out of denial. It is very effective. In fact it is the most effective intervention method statistically proven. It uses the like research based techniques plus a lot of other good techniques. It works but it requires a lot of bandwidth. I'll just be honest. So if you know you, you need a break, that's okay. It's okay to take a break. Ivan And Lydia says when someone has both the problematic behaviors like anxiety and the addiction, what happens if they start recovery from the addiction? Do they need to address the anxiety or other issues separately? This is a good question. I think it's completely fine to address if there's. It's called a dual diagnosis or sometimes they call it a co occurring diagnosis which is usually addiction and some other mental health problem. It works pretty well to treat them both at the same time. It works decently well to treat the addiction first, let that get stabilized and then treat the mental health. What doesn't work well is trying to treat the mental health first without treating the addiction. That just doesn't work. So hope that helps. Casey says, I just want going to ask the same thing. It's hard to determine what comes first, depression or alcoholism. Any thoughts on the best type of professional to see to address that? Yes, they, I mean some people specialize in co occurring disorders and dual diagnosis like counselors and, and psychiatrists and psychologists and stuff like that. And they usually have it like on their website or their profile or whatever. You can kind of see that you do have to be a little bit careful, Casey, because like when you look at something like counseling, when you come out of counseling school and you get a license, you're pretty much licensed to treat anything. And so when people have everything, when, when clinical people have like, like you look at their profile and they literally say they treat everything for every age, all of it, everything, then I'm a little bit more skeptical. When people have a few things listed like this is my specialty and this is what I do. I'm a lot more apt to think, okay, this is what that person does. So I would look for a professional that has a specialty in either addiction or it would say like co occurring disorders or dual diagnosis is what they call it. I would look for a special, a specialist that says this is what I do because they'll be able to help pull apart those pieces and, and more likely be able to help looking at both the issues at the same time. Good question. Stephanie says my mom is watching live. Can you give her a shout out? Thank you for recognizing the family struggles with addictive behaviors. Hey, Stephanie's mom. Welcome to watching our live. I don't know your name, but we're glad that you're here. I hope this is helpful for you. Adrian says, why do partners and spouses who struggle with addiction lie about coming home soon when they disappear overnight? Good. Another good question, Adrian. And that can happen for two reasons. One of the most common reasons it happens is because the person tells thems they're just going to have a couple people, whatever it is that they're doing, and they end up going way past what they thought. And so in that case, the person did have the intention of coming home, but they went overboard. That is one of those official criteria of substance use disorders, using more than was intended. So that's probably the most common reason it happens. Other times they're just saying what they need to say to get out the door and they know they're not going to be back. So it's probably one or the other. Question. What can I say to my husband in his mid-70s when his response is too old for treatment and that individual counseling is dumb, can't see a reason to talk to a stranger about anything. So I think I'm jumping to a conclusion here, but I'm thinking what you're saying is that person knows that they have a problem, they just don't want to do something about it. It. And I do think when someone is older, you do have a. An extra roadblock there of, so what? I'm retired now. So what? Like, I don't have that much. Long live, let me do what I want to do. There's this extra sort of rationalization and justification in there. The way I typically address that is instead of going out the gate of trying to get someone to go to treatment or go to counseling, I try to get them to see that it's making them unhappy. And so I take the route of like, okay, yeah, this is your retirement. Do you really want to spend your retirement feeling like, this kind of crummy? Right? Or I'll say, you know, like, okay, so you don't have that many years left. Is this how you want to spend them? Is this how you want to be known? And sort of. I take that age thing and. And try to put it in a way that creates a little bit more urgency. And then if you look in some of my other videos or even our invisible intervention course, then we have sort of specifically how to get someone to come to terms with different kinds of treatment. One of the ways is to find something that they're more open to, like maybe a coach, maybe a sounding board. Maybe they're okay, they'll do a consult, but they're not going to go to treatment. So sometimes it's around, like, is there something you can find that they'll be like, all right, maybe I'll try that. Elizabeth says, don't you think the addict uses other diagnosis because it's a way of saying something's wrong while still staying in denial about substance use, Joe. About what they claim to be the victim. Okay, I definitely understand your first question. I'm not sure I understand the second part. But, yes, I absolutely think that I have this series on manipulation on the channel. It's. There's a playlist on manipulation, and there's a specific series where I go through five of the most common manipulation techniques. And one of those is hiding behind mental health diagnoses. And I talk more in depth about that. Sometimes they're doing it consciously, like they're just using an excuse. You know, it's the only thing that helps my anxiety. I can't help it. And they know what's going on, but they're using that excuse. And sometimes they're just in denial themselves. Sometimes they really do think it is this other thing and not the addiction. So sometimes they're aware and sometimes they're not. But you can check out that video if you want to see more on that. But yes, I do think that Danielle says, is it typical that we can over generalize the cause of all problems and bad traits to an alcoholic has to their alcohol use? My partner says not everything is drinking's fault. Oh, this is a really good question, and I'm glad you asked it because I didn't think about this, but this comes up a lot. Yes, this is a problem in a couple of ways. One of the most common things that I hear my clients say, and my client, the one that sees me is usually the one with a substance use disorder, is they'll say, my partner, my spouse literally blames every single thing on my drinking, on my marijuana use, on my whatever. And they're so mad because they're like, they don't want to take any responsibility, but they're part of the problem, too. And there's these other situations. And so it's one way if you, if you try to put everything on the addiction, it's one way to discredit yourself and those of you who follow my videos. You know, I talk so often about the importance of having credibility. That's the only way you're going to have some influence. So when you try to put everything in that bucket, you're ruining your credibility. Because even when I talk to people about it, I'm like, some of it could be because of this, but you also got this and this and this. When you can verbalize that, you see the whole picture, especially see it from their point of view, you'll have a lot more credibility. So, yes, that is a problem. The other way I see that becoming a problem, Danielle, is like, when people, once people get sober, there's this term out there. It's not a real clinical term. It's just like a. A common term people use in recovery called a dry drunk. And basically it means, okay, someone is sober, but they haven't worked on themselves and they still have some of these. These old behaviors. And I find that when people get sober and they're doing well, any little thing that they do that their family doesn't like, they're like, oh, you're a dry drunk. Oh, that's your alcoholic behavior. Like, they just want to throw everything in that corner when sometimes they're just mad at you, and sometimes they just have a quirk when sometimes they just have a character defect, whatever. But I totally agree it. We too often throw everything. Everything is bad because of that. All right, we are near the end of our time. I want to thank everyone for showing up. You guys are awesome. You ask fantastic questions. If you're watching on the playback, we're glad you're here too. If you want to join live, then we are live every Thursday at 1 Eastern. I've got a lot of questions. How do I get on the live? You go to the channel page, which is called Put the Shovel Down. There's tabs up there. One of them says live video and that's how you get in here. Or you. You can be on our email list and I'll send you a link every week, whatever. But it's every Thursday at 1 and if you go to our channel, you can find it. All right. Don't forget that there are links in the description. I will put the link down there for the official criteria for those of you who want to get super clinical about it and really count it out. And I'll see you guys next week. Bye, everybody.