Prove that You're Serious About Your Recovery (even if this isn't your first attempt at sobriety)!

You know, it can be really hard to prove to your family, your loved ones and your friends that you are really serious about your recovery, especially if you've tried several times before. Which is why in this video, I'm going to tell you the three most important steps you need to take to prove that you really are serious about your recovery. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the Shovel Down. I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and this YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so you can get your family and your life back on track. Get back out there and live the life that you want to live. I want you to know you are not powerless. You do not have to hit rock bottom. And there are many things you can do to help an addicted loved one. If you want to be back in control of your life, subscribe to this channel and I'll make sure you are always five steps ahead of addiction. And don't forget, hit the little bell if you want access to the bonus episod. Now, as always, there are a ton of additional resources listed in the description, but let's get down to our topic. Don't you just hate the dreaded question, what's going to be different this time? I mean, sometimes people even ask you that with a ton of sarcasm in their voice. Can you hear it? I think I can hear it now. In the past, it may have been hard to answer that question, but not anymore, because I'm about to give you the answer now. Tip number one is all about some things that you shouldn't say. Basically, I'm about to go over some statements that are pretty common for people who are in the early recovery process to say. And I'm not saying there's no validity in these statements, but what I am saying is if you say these things, I'm about to tell you it comes across not great to the people around you. So let's take a look at what they are, and if you do feel or think these things, let's find a better way of saying them that doesn't come across in a way that makes you look like you're not really trying to. Now, I hear this statement a lot. I just want to put this whole ugly mess behind me and move forward. Now, on the surface, there doesn't really seem to be a lot wrong with that statement, but how it comes across to your family and your loved ones is. It sounds like you just want to forget about every bad thing that happened and just move forward without changing anything. And Never even acknowledging all the things that went wrong. Now, of course, I totally get why you would want to put the whole ugly mess behind you, but most of the time families think that you kind of have to like deal with some of that stuff to make sure it doesn't happen again. So a better way to say that same thing might be, you know what? This has been an awful, awful journey and I'm going to do whatever it takes to make sure it never happens again. And that chapter is closed forever. You see, you're kind of saying the same thing, but you're saying in a way that lets the other person know that you're really serious about it and you really do get it. Now, another statement that I sometimes hear people say, or regularly hear people say is they may say something and they usually say this sort of defensively to their family members. Something like, look, my recovery is my business, Stay out of it. And you may have even had like coaches or counselors or treatment programs or sponsors tell you something like that. But here's the deal. Unless you like live completely by yourself and you are completely self supporting, then your recovery, whether or not you do good in your recovery, impacts a lot of the people around you. Now I'm not saying that they get to decide what you do and what you don't do, but let's not be dismissive of their feelings because to be honest, they have a lot riding on it too. So if a family member or a friend suggests that you do something that you're really not comfortable with, just maybe sit down and have a discussion with them about it and about why you don't feel like that particular solution is the best thing for you. But what you do feel like would be more helpful to you. I know it takes longer to do that and it's difficult to do because you may feel defensive or backed into a corner. But if you'll just take five extra minutes to have this discussion, it'll save you hours of discussion in the future and you'll be building a ton of trust in the process. Now, another statement that I hear people in early recovery say a lot is they'll say things like, man, I'm not as bad as anybody in that group. They did this, they did that. They're way worse than I am. And there may be some truth in that. Maybe you're going to a recovery group where everybody was way worse than you. Likely not everybody was way worse than you, but maybe they were. Let's just go with maybe everybody else is way worse than you. The Thing about it is, though, is if you say that to your loved ones, they interpret that as you saying, oh, I didn't have a problem, like, look, they're really bad like me. See, I told you I didn't even have a problem. And that makes them think that you're going to go back out there and make the same mistakes. So in the event that you really aren't as bad as everyone else in your recovery program, just say something like, you know what? Seeing some of these other people lets me know where this road goes. And it makes me really glad I'm addressing it now. So you see, you're saying the same thing, but you're saying it in such a way that really communicates to your loved one that you get it. Because that's what they want to know. They want to know that you get it. And when you say things that makes them think that you don't get it. It makes them think you're going to go back out there and do it all over again. Now, I know most of the time when you say these things, it's not that you don't get it. It's is really uncomfortable and you feel embarrassed and shameful and you don't want to talk about it. I get that. But the more you don't talk about it, the more they pry, the more they're in your business, the more they don't trust you. And it makes your life 20 times harder in the long run. So just take the time to have these conversations. Now, the second thing that you need to do to prove to yourself and everyone else around you that you're really serious about your recovery from addiction is to put accountability things in place for yourself. Now, when I say accountability, what do I mean? I mean, you're gonna have to, like, change some things in your life, and you're gonna have to bring some other things into your life to ensure that you make good decisions when maybe you're having a bad day. Because if you're being honest with yourself about it, you realize that there are going to be moments where you're weak or where you're having a bad day and you want to try really hard to ensure you don't fall through the cracks when those days come. Now, let's talk about some things that you can do. You can be honest with the people around the fact that you do have an addiction. Like if you haven't previously told your co workers or other friends and family members, I think doing so telling people, sort of, I call it coming out of the recovery closet goes a long way to hold you accountable because you're a lot less likely to show up to a function intoxicated or using something or engaging in your addictive behavior when you know everyone around you know you're not supposed to be doing that. That's a huge accountability step. You can do things like delete contacts from your phone that you know don't need to be there. In fact, you can even change your phone number. That's a big step. I know it's a headache, but it's not nearly as big a headache as having to pull yourself up out of a relapse. Another thing you can do is get rid of those things that you've been keeping around that you know you shouldn't have. Maybe it's substances, maybe it's paraphernalia, maybe it's old photos of yourself when you were engaging in your addictive behavior. Just go ahead and get rid of it. Don't make excuses for why you need to keep it. There really is no good excuse. If it's something that is seriously of sentimental value, then at least box it up. Cover that box up with duct tape. Put it up in the attic so it's not at least right in front of your face. Doing these things really does show your seriousness and your commitment to the issue. Now, another really great step that you can take to hold yourself accountable, to be really sure that you don't go backwards, is to get yourself set up with some sort of recovery monitoring program. Now, this is the ultimate in accountability. If the thing that you've struggled, struggled with in the past is alcohol, then I am going to strongly recommend soberlink. Now, Soberlink is the sponsor of today's video. But that's not the only reason I'm recommending them. I have been recommending soberlink for years and years and years, long before I ever even had a YouTube channel. Let me tell you why I love Soberlink so much. Well, first you probably want to know what it is, right? It's a breathalyzing device. But not just any breathalyzing device. It's a pretty high tech, sophisticated breathalyzing device. In fact, it has facial recognition software in it. So there's no, like, cheating it and having your buddy do it or something like that. Now, the way it works is you will create a schedule of when you are going to be breathalyzed. Usually that's somewhere in the neighborhood of two or three times a day. In the beginning, you'll get a text message 15 minutes before that time letting you Know that you have a test due. You actually get an hour from your set time. So actually, since you get the text 15 minutes early, you really got like an hour and 15 minutes. So somewhere in that hour and 15 minutes, you can step out, excuse yourself to the restroom, take your test. No one will ever know you had it. It's literally about the size of your phone. And they give you a nice little case to carry it in. Looks like a fancy sunglasses case. So if it's sitting in your glove box, no one's gonna think a thing about it. Now here's where the really cool part comes in. Your test results are then recorded and it keeps a record of all your tests and your picture that to prove that, yes, it was you that took that. And here's the best part. This is the really good accountability part, if you ask me. Your test results can then be sent automatically to a person or people of your choosing. Like, for example, we have a ton of clients in our Office who use SoberLink and their results go to me. But it doesn't have to go to me. Go to your recovery coach. It can go to your family member, it can go to your sponsor, it can go to your counselor, whoever's helping you along the way that you feel like it's a good accountability partner. Those results can go real time to those people as well. Lastly, if you do take the test and you show positive, it'll have you retest again in 15 minutes. If you're back down to zero, that tells the system that it was probably like a false positive. So it has that nice false positive check in there so you don't have to worry about that either. Now that is accountability. Now let's move on to tip number three about how to show that you're really serious about your recovery, that you really do want to stay sober. This one is kind of nice because this one sort of ties it all together. The third tip I have for you is to be able to listen non defensively to the questions, concerns and feedback of your friends, your family, your boss, your co workers, or whoever else knows about all this mess and is involved. I know this is extraordinarily difficult. I totally get it. Even just thinking about this and talking about this feels embarrassing. And the last thing you want to do is talk about it. But the more you run from it, the more it makes everybody else think that you're sketchy, even when you're not trying to be. It can come across that way. Now, when we're in recovery and we know we're serious about it and we're trying to move past it. We get over it a lot faster than everyone else in our lives because we know we're serious this time. And maybe the 10 times before we knew we were kind of of like not serious or half serious. But our families, they don't know that. Right? They believed it all those 10 times. And so you're gonna have to give them a grace period and allow them to catch up to where you are. And you're gonna have to have a little empathy and understanding for their point of view too. I'm not saying you have to put up with them sort of beating you down or any kind of craziness or anything like that. But I am saying that you should allow them to talk, listen empathetically to their side of things. Again, when you can do that, it's going to show them that you really, really do get it. Now I'm going to put the link to Sober link in the description below in case you want to learn more about that. And up next, I want you to watch this video on how to be a good listener. In fact, this video is called how to improve any relationship in your life Instantly. These are the skills that you can use when your family, when they want to have these difficult, awkward conversations. You'll feel like you know exactly what to say and how to handle those situations if you watch this video. Next, I'd like to send a big heartfelt thanks to all of you who help support this channel. Your likes, shares and donations are helping us spread the message of recovery and without you, this wouldn't be possible. Now this next video has been hand selected to go right along with this one. And don't forget to check the description for additional resources.