Proven Strategies To Boost Willpower In Those Fighting Addiction/Alcoholism

For some of you watching today, what I'm about to say is going to be very good news. But for others of you watching, particularly those of you who are watching because you have an addicted loved one, what I'm going to say is probably going to be even more aggravating and annoying because it's going to put some more pressure. I don't want to call it responsibility because it's not your responsibility. But as usual, I'm going to be sort of encouraging and asking you to take the high road and do the hard things yet again. I know every week I do that, I get mad at myself for it. It's annoying, right? You're the family member. You're. You've been, like, dealing with this for so long. You're not even the one that's, like, doing all the addictive behaviors. Yet every week I come on and say, you have to be the bigger person. And this week is the same. We're going to be talking about how to increase willpower to be able to fight cravings, temptations, resist relapses, so that you can have a successful, happy, healthy recovery process. And we're going to talk about it from both angles. We're going to talk about it for. From the angle of the person who's trying to build willpower and overcome challenges, and from the family or the support, supportive people's side of things, too, because there are some things that the support people can do that actually will help build willpower. Now, you hear a lot of people say you can't willpower your way through an addiction. And there's a little truth in that, but it's also a little deceptive. What they're saying is if you're just relying on your willpower alone, it's probably. You're probably gonna. You're probably gonna hit the wall at some point, especially if you don't understand how willpower works, like, scientifically in your brain, how the process works. Everything I'm about to teach you guys today will apply to anything that requires willpower. We're going to be relating it to addiction, but this information isn't specific to addiction. We all have things that we're trying to use our willpower on to do better with, to do different. So I want to tell you guys about an experiment, a scientific or psychological experiment called the chocolate radish experiment. Because this experiment really is sort of at the foundation of modern thought on how willpower actually works. So in the chocolate radish experiment, these evil, cruel, devious researchers, they did this Terrible thing. They created this experiment where they put, as always, two groups. They put these people in these rooms and they pumped in the smell of chocolate chip cookies. That's why I say they're evil. They pumped in the smell of chocolate chip cookies so that you like freshly baked. You know, that's like the best, right? And you're smelling them and you got two groups of people. One, this group over here in this room, this group, people over here in this room. And one of the groups, the smell is in both groups, but on one side they actually gave the people chocolate chip cookies to eat. And in the other room, this is the evil part, they, they said, we want you to ignore that smell. We, we know it's like, smells like cookies, but here's some radishes. We want you to eat these radishes. Who likes radishes? I mean, I love a salad, I love a vegetable, but radishes, gross. I don't even think I could eat the radish. But they, the scientists asked the people to eat the radishes. Now that's not the experiment. This is where it gets really interesting. And then they gave both groups or sets of people a puzzle to solve. Actually it was like an impossible puzzle to solve. Like it wasn't solvable. And what they're testing really is who's got more resilience. Does the cookie versus the radish, does it impact your ability to think and problem solve and deal with difficulties and all this kind of stuff? The puzzles? Well, what they found was super interesting. What they found was the people that ate the chocolate chip cookies actually were able. They, they weren't able to solve the puzzle because it wasn't solvable. But they worked on it about twice as long as the other group of people. They got less frustrated with it. They wanted to see, you know, how long are they going to try before they just give up. And the chocolate chip cookie group, like tolerated the whole situation much, much better. The other group, the radishes group, the people in that group, they were angry. They, some of them like got kind of nasty with the researchers. They're irritable. They're sort of like a meltdown, like, like a two year old melting down. And they gave up about 50% earlier than the chocolate chip cookie group. And you might be thinking, well, that's probably because maybe it's because there's some sugar in the cookies. But that's not, that's not really the case here. It's not like, oh, the sugar. And they had the energy because they've done other experiments later that had to do with willpower and temptation that wasn't specifically about sugar. And they get these same kind of results. But here's what we can learn from that. What we learned from that is when we're. You have a finite amount of willpower, it really runs on little ATP, which are sugar molecules in your brain, just like everything else in your body does. And so you need. You need food, you need, you know, sugar molecules in your brain, and you also need sleep. That's the other thing that will refuel your. I call it your willpower tank. There's a finite amount, just like there's a finite amount of gas in your gas tank. Once you use it up, it's gone. Like, it's gone, and you can't refill it, the willpower tank, anyway, until you get a really good night's sleep. You know, having something to eat, hopefully a little protein or something will help a little bit. But it's the good night's sleep that does it. What does this mean? This means that. That you need to be very sort of intentional and strategic about what you are using your willpower for. When you're trying to make a big life change, when you're trying to overcome an addiction or even just, like, overcome a bad habit or going on a diet or learning something new or practicing, like, all these new communication skills that we teach you on this channel, when you're trying to do better and you're trying to break, like, a big habit, it's going to, like, eat through pretty much all of your willpower. You're going to need to, like, reserve all your willpower for the one big thing that you're trying to conquer right now. Because if you are using it up on all the other stuff, what's going to happen is before the end of the day, you're going to hit that wall. You're going to run out of willpower. And guess what happens when you run out of willpower? The dam breaks. Not just necessarily with the addictive thing, but all the things that you've been resisting you've been holding back on. All your good behaviors pretty much gone. You're probably going to not be so nice to other people. You're going to eat what you've been trying not to eat. You're going to. You're just going to say the heck with it. It's like the whole willpower down just breaks. Because we use our willpower up every time we're making a responsible decision every time we're like withholding or, like withholding an impulse or something like that. That's. Those are things that eat through our willpower. So once that damn breaks, it's kind of like, you know, you hit the wall and you're just like, forget it. Screw it. I'm just gonna do whatever. We've all been there. I hit. I hit the wall, like, almost every day. So if you can understand this concept, it means that when you are in early recovery, you don't need to be trying to fix everything all at once. A lot of times when people try to clean up their life, they're like, you know what? I need to get back together. They want to, like, stop drinking, they want to stop smoking, they want to start exercising every day, going to church, saying the prayers, doing their meditation, making their amends. They want to do it all at once. And that's admirable because, you know, you're trying to turn your life around. And in some degree, yes, all of those things need to be done. But if you try to conquer all of those things at one time, you're gonna drop the ball. I like to think of it like juggling, right? You want to take one ball at a time, and you want to get that one going until you've got that down really, really smooth. And then you want to throw another ball in there. And then you learn to juggle two things. Once you've developed a new habit, once you've kind of gotten a new routine, and whatever this cycle you're trying to break isn't your most immediate response anymore, then it takes less willpower to keep that behavior going. So then you can add in other things because you've got spare willpower now. You want to add in things one at a time. So if you're trying to get sober, you don't also want to be trying to get the promotion at work. You don't also want to be deciding you're all of a sudden you're going to get in shape or something like that. Now, if you. If you're getting sober in a treatment center, sometimes you can do like, you can do the whole, like, quit smoking, quit drinking, get in shape, all that kind of stuff, because you don't have to regular, everyday stressors. You're not dealing with the dishes, you're not dealing with, you know, the telemarketers calling or the trash or all the just everyday frustrations and obstacles of life. So when you're in treatment, a lot of times they have you focus on that. They have you doing meditations and this and that, and you can do that because you don't have to do. You know, you're not paying bills, you're not doing any of those things, and it's just easier to focus in on that. But if you're doing it, like in your real life home environment, you need to think very carefully about how you can go about it. Now here comes the part that the families are probably gonna be frustrated about, and that is families. Here's what you guys do to me. Y' all know I love you, but. But y' all kill me sometimes. You. You watch these videos, you literally work on your loved one for a year. You finally get them to come talk to me. They're finally getting sober. And I get it. You're so frustrated. You've had it up to past here for the longest time. You've done used up all of your willpower, and then it's like it all goes out the window. But you're so frustrated because they haven't been doing all the responsibilities, they haven't been holding up their side of the bargain, all that stuff. And you want to throw everything at them at once. And you're mad at them about everything that's happened. So you're, like, waiting on your apology. You're. You're putting the energy and the attitude out. You know, you're. You're glad they're doing it, but you're still upset, rightfully so, about everything that you've been through. And you need them to get their act together quickly because you just can't hold. You can't juggle all the walls yourself forever. So you're all of a sudden wanting them to be a better father, mother. You want them to go to meetings every single day. You want them to still go to work. You want them to be nice to you. You kind of want them to be, like, on their hands and knees, groveling, begging you for forgiveness, which they probably need to do. Maybe eventually some of them do anyways. But you push too hard right at the very beginning because you're. Because your willpower is out of. You know, your tank is out of gas. If you want to truly help support your loved one in those early days of making a change, you're going to have to interact with them differently. Stop throwing everything at them at once. I know it's unfair. I feel, like, uneasy even saying this, because I feel like it's so unfair. Like, I know it is, but. But you've gotta. You gotta back off a little bit. And if you want to actually help Give them more willpower. If you can say genuinely little, positive, encouraging things along the way, give them little compliments. It doesn't even have to be about, like, the recovery thing can be about anything, but you can give them a little compliment. You can brag on a little bit. You can be kind of sweet or friendly or make them laugh or something that actually gives them another drip or two back in that willpower tank. Or dopamine, really. Because when they get that dopamine, that dopamine is what will sort of help you drive past empty just a little bit longer. Right? It helps you keep going when the gas tank is kind of empty. So if you can be positive and reinforcing and all of those things that I know I shouldn't have to ask you to do, but I am, you're going to be helping your loved one have more willpower. Now, I'm not letting the other person off the hook because if they were my client and I were seeing them, I'd be telling the same thing about you. I'd say, listen, you. You done broke your family member, you done killed your wife, so here's what you got to do. I mean, I put the responsibility on them, too. So I'm not. I'm. I'm fair about making everybody have to hold their end. If you can give them that encouragement, if you can not try to throw everything at them at once, if you cannot expect them to do everything perfectly, you're going to get a better result. And even when you get efforts that aren't maybe all the way to the point where you want them to be at, if you will just encourage those efforts and help along and maybe even smooth the pathway for the person a little bit, which might mean maybe you find the meetings, maybe you get the kids out of the house so they can go to their Zoom AA meeting or their coaching call or whatever it is, you know, be helpful, because I know it's hard, I know you're out of gas, but if you'll just keep hanging in there. You've done a lot to get this far. I know you have, because you're watching these videos. And if you just hang in there and give it a little bit longer, you might get across that threshold, finish line, and then everything. And then they really can start to pick up pieces more and more and more and more. But a lot of times, as the family member, you're just so frustrated. You know, they're in treatment and you're just so upset with them and you're so angry at them. That all of your energy is kind of negative or sassy or difficult, and you're pushing them and you're wanting them to have all the right answers right away. And scientifically, willpower just doesn't work that way. You have to sort of work with what you're dealing with. And then, of course, for those of you who are in those early stages of recovery, there are the basic things which you've heard me talk about and everyone talk about, so I'm not going to spend a lot of time on them. But anything you can do to keep away from those, like willpower, like pit traps or something, the better. Which means don't subject yourself to triggers if you can help it. Don't go to all the places where it's going to remind you of, make you crave, make you want to engage in your addictive behavior. Don't watch the TV shows that are going to do that. You know, don't wear the clothes that are going to make you do that. The more you can do to stay away from that, it's gonna. It's gonna preserve your willpower, like the gas in the gas tank and it's in, which will help it last a little longer. I'm not saying you can't do those things. I'm not saying you will relapse if you go to those things, but I'm saying you're going to use up your willpower reserve really quickly, and that's going to be dangerous. Because if you get yourself in a situation where you're out of willpower for the day and the right kind of situation presents itself, you're in trouble. That's the formula for relapse. For those of you who are watching live, we are. I'm going to take your questions and your and your comments in just a few minutes. Some of you are like jumping on here early and getting your questions at the top. I see you guys, you guys are like, I'm gonna get in there, I'm gonna get my questions. I'm gonna take some. Some of those questions. I can't promise to get all of the questions, but I'm gonna do my best to get, to get the ones that I can. And I would like to save a little time today. If any of you would like to hop on here and talk to me about your situation or ask me a question, like live on the video in real time, then I'm going to put the link up here for you to click and do that if you want to. But know that this is public. Okay? So you can, if you click the link, it's going to ask you to type in a name. You can type in whatever name you want to. It doesn't have to be your name, but your face is going to be on there. So don't talk about anything that you don't want out there into the world, okay? Because I can't, I can't pull it back once it's out there. Even if I, even if I unpublish the video, it's out there. There's no pulling it back. So if you'd like to come on, I'm going to put the link up. For you guys to do that, you're going to need to be in a place that has pretty good Internet, though, and, and there's some decent light enough that we can see you. You don't need to be in a studio or anything. But if your Internet's good and we can see and hear you, you're fine. Okay. But if you're in a place where the Internet's going in and out, in and out, it's just going to be hard for people to follow along. And so get somewhere where there's good Internet. Here's the link. If anybody wants to hop on here. If no one wants to, I totally understand that too. You might don't want to put your business out there. I totally get it. So let's take some questions while we wait. And as always, I will remind you there are additional resources in the description. There is one spot left to start, strength based recovery coaching in February. There are a couple of spots to start it in March, and that is recovery coaching with me. And the way that we do that is I'm going to focus on your strengths. I don't see it as my job that I'm not the principal, I'm not the probation officer. When you come to see me. My goal is to make you feel better when you're done with that session with me, not to make you feel worse because I know you need your willpower. So I'm here to help find strengths and help guide you in the recovery process. If you want to do that, links in the description. And then if you're a family member and you need some coaching and you have a lot of questions, but you don't want to put your name or jump on here on the Thursday videos, which is totally understandable, then you can join our private coaching group, which I've also put the link for in the description because Kim and Campbell do live calls that are private ones. Just for the people in the group where you can jump on and questions and get feedback. Every single week, there's an opportunity to do that. So I see some of you in the queue. I see Jazzy, you're in there first, and then Stephanie, you are in there after Jazzy. And something about a device you have is not quite connected yet. So once you get that figured out, we will get to you. Jazzy, I'm going to answer a couple of questions and then we're coming to you. Sarah says, what do you do if the only time they open up and are vulnerable with you is when they are intoxicated? I have been using reflective listening and empathy. Also tried curiosity. When he said, it doesn't matter, nothing matters. I asked him why he feels that way and I didn't get a response. Did I do the right thing? Here's what I would say, Sarah, what I would do if I were you is I would try to get them to open up, talk about things, any things not related to the addiction. You want to set a tone and a pace that says, hey, this is a safe environment. Not going to get upset, not going to jump on you. So take those everyday topics and turn them into conversation. Use your reflective listening and your empathy there. One thing you can do, which is a mirroring technique is repeat back to you what they say. So, like when he says the thing where it says, nothing I do matters, to mirror that back, you could say, nothing you do matters and put that little curious like uplift on the end there. And it, it invites response. It almost triggers an automatic response. And usually the person will start to tell you more immediately and without having to ask a lot of questions. So try that one more here. RH says, major change talk last week, I need to quit all of it. And then he's back to wanting to drink even more. Now it feels like three steps forward, five steps back. I don't have any control. When you get the change talk, rh, you got to be sitting on ready with some, with some action steps to, to get that change talk to turn into action, right? So it's like, do some research, find out some options of some things you can ask your loved one to do, right? When you get that window open, you know, would you want to, you know, if they need to go to treatment, have some treatment lined up. If they, if you just want them to see a counselor, have counselor kind of like lined up or some options picked out and get them to commit to taking some action steps. Because if they don't fuel that change talk, it will go away. So. So be ready with some options and see if you can get them to commit to doing something. And the faster, the better, because you want to take that momentum you got and build on it. All right, we're gonna go to Jazzy. Hello? Oh, I can't hear you. Hold on. Let me get my. Oh, you're muted. Yeah.

The first time I got clean, I was just. I was, like, almost like a dry drunk, you know? But now I'm living in recovery, and.

That'S because of you.

And, like, I. I found myself in sober living, and I. I moved to a different state, left everyone behind. But I have triggers with, like, confrontations and critiques, and I became a. I'm a chore checker for the month. And, like.

It'S so hard.

Like, I just, like, I had to give, like, a lot of the girls exes last week, and I had to give them again this week. And, like, I got called some names and called a chore Nazi, and, like, it just made me. Now I'm, like, kind of afraid to go upstairs and socialize. I kind of ran to the movies because, like, I. When I would, like, get in fights with my family, I would just wait until they fell asleep, and then I would leave and, like, go hide in the bush, and they wouldn't hear from me for weeks to two years, and I would just. Until, like, the whole problem. Until they would forget, and I could just come home and be like, hey, everything's cool, right? And, like, it's very hard. I get really anxious.

So. So you're basically. You're having to play the bad guy role, right? You're having to be the bad cop in some of these situations, and it makes you feel super squirmy, and you just want to, like, hide from it. Essentially.

Yep.

Okay. I think I have one suggestion that might help you any. And you may have heard me talk about this to family members, but. But you may not be sort of connecting the dots that you can actually use in a situation like this. Anytime you're about to deliver some bad news or be the bad cop or say something that's maybe not going to land. Well, just acknowledge that first. You can say, all right, I'm gonna have to be the chore police here. Like, I totally hate being this. And then say what you're gonna say. You can say, here it comes. Like, I'm about to be so mean or, you know, bitchy or whatever it is. Just say whatever you think they're thinking about yourself, and then Whatever you say next is gonna come across softer because it's almost like you're, like, softening the ground up and you're acknowledging like, yeah, I know this ain't fun. I know that this is coming across as, like, mean or controlling. If you just say those things, it actually takes the sting out for the other person. And what. What you will probably get is something like, I know it's your job. You have to do it. You're just doing what you have to do. If you don't say it, then the other person is kind of likely thinking, oh, my gosh, she thinks she's better than us. Like, she's just on our case. Like, all the thoughts, right? So. So just say it. You know, if you think they always say, she's always on us about our chores. Say, I know I'm always on you about your chores. I'm like the chore police around here. Say it first and then deliver the next thing. Try that and see. See if that helps a little bit.

Thank you so much.

And hey, I'm super proud of you. And you're doing. You're doing awesome. And I love that you're in sober living. That's for people who are going to do any kind of treatment. And sober living is not officially treatment, but I think sober living is where it's at because you haven't learned all these skills, right? Like, you're having to do hard things, and you need these skills, like, in life, like, how am I gonna.

Trying to socialize, Try to have tags and, like, you know, even just, like, making your bed and, like, it's building healthier habits.

And I'm about to hit, like, one.

Year on the third, and I'm just, like, so good, so happy.

That's so exciting. Yeah. Now, the skills you're building translate to the real world because they're real world skills. Whereas when you're in, like, lockdown treatment, it's not the same what you're doing. If you can be sober and sober living, you can be sober. Because especially in women's sober living, because there's so much drama, it's almost harder. If you can do it there, you could do it anywhere. Okay.

Thank you. Bye.

You're welcome. Bye. Let's see here. We are going. There is somebody on here next. Ronnie, I see that you're on here. And I will pop you up there and talk to you if you will activate your camera and microphone. So if you want, just activate that. And once you do that, I'll pop you up here and we'll. And we'll have a conversation. In the meantime, we will slide down here and see if there's some more questions or comments in the chat. See here, Nancy had a question. She says adult daughter living in the house flew off the handle at me and actually said she needs help. What's the next steps to take advantage of this before she refuses to make change in her life. Just like I was telling somebody just a second ago, Nancy, you want to have some options ready and you're at your moment right now, so say, hey, can I make you an appointment? You know, for iop for an intensive outpatient? Hey, here's three places I've looked at which one of these look like they might be the best for you. I like to offer choices and I like multiple choices best. If you just ask a blank question, like, you can say, what kind of help do you think you need? If you think they have an answer to that, but if they, if you think that they're just going to be like, I don't know, I just need to do it myself or something, then put the multiple choice question out there so that you have some options. But you gotta, you gotta have looked into what are the resources around and get them to take those steps quickly before you lose that momentum. Sarah, question. My alcoholic BF is slowly drinking less, but still binges once or twice a week, complains that I'm on his case and that is why he can't stop. I'm working on my tone and words, but not perfect. How do I get him to forgive me and forget how I was bad? What should I do for the next time? He drinks a lot, so there's a couple of questions there. Basically, he's holding it against you. He's saying you haven't dealt with him his problem perfectly, which, you know, like, who could, right? So you just want to acknowledge it. Just like I was telling Jazzy earlier when you, when you either have to deliver the bad news or maybe you need to, like, apologize, say, listen, I know I didn't handle that well. So you just want to own it it and say, I'm really am working on it and I'm probably not going to be perfect. And so if you will, if you'll work with me and keep sticking with me as I try to get better, I'm going to work with you and keep sticking with you as you try to get better. We're going to do this together. So you're kind of, you're acknowledging that maybe you haven't always handled things well, in the past, but I kind of like the whole, like, if you'll give me some grace, I'll give you some grace. Because guess what? They know they're going to need some grace. So they're probably likely to take you up on that offer. And if you just own it outright, like I was telling Jesse, a lot of times they're like, I know, like, I put you in that position. A lot of times they'll even say that to you out loud. They'll acknowledge your side of the story. But even when they don't say it out loud, they. They kind of know that in their own head. Ronnie, I still see you there, but your camera is not on. Let's see. You guys are like, talking to each other a lot. I love this. Giving each other support. Here's a question. Hi, Amber. I left my addicted boyfriend bf. I'm assuming that's what means her best friend a year ago there has been insane. He's out drinking and partying. I'm worried, but do not know if I should contact him. He's 63, drank for many years and in denial. If you're not. You're talking about you're not with this person and you're wanting to reach out because you can see that they're kind of. They're on a bad path, they're on a spiral, and it's not good. This is going to sound really horrible to me. Oh, look, I just showed y'. All. Just let me do it. This is going to sound horrible. I'm acknowledging it, but I would not. You're. You're going to get yourself sucked back into a situation that probably was really hard to get out of. And I would not insert myself back in it if I were you. If you're already out of it. I mean, I hate to say that, but. But that's just the truth of it. Because you're not together with them, you're not going to have much leverage. And in order to help this person, you're going to have to get really close to the situation, which is going to bring a lot of pain on you. For those of you that are already in it, then we got figure it out. But if you're out of it, I don't know that I would get back in it if you can help it. Jackson says my wife did an inpatient rehab for 28 days and then went back to drinking two weeks after. She just checked herself into a sober living house yesterday where she has more freedom. Is this a good thing? Yes. I think it is a good thing. You always have more freedom and sober living than you have in rehab. Because in rehab, like treatment, it's usually like locked up treatment, like, like there's not an opportunity to make bad choices. And it was sort of like I was talking to Jazzy about, in sober living, there's a lot of recovery supports, and yes, there are rules and requirements and monitoring and stuff like that, but for the most part, it's real world living. And, and that's where you need to learn the skills of being sober. Because it's. What you're saying is your wife did 28 days of treatment and she stayed sober for two weeks, which means, in my mind, it means that your wife was trying. If she wasn't trying, she would have literally used the day she got out. If she was just faking it countdown, it would have been on like Donkey Kong as soon as she left. But she made it two weeks and then fell off the cliff. So what the saying is not that she doesn't mean it, and not that she's not trying, but needs maybe some more skills and some more help dealing with all the stressors. And sober living, I think is a good place to do that. So, yes, I think that that is a good thing. Stephanie? Yes. You can write a question in the chat. You don't have to come on the video to ask. I'm just looking for our next question. There's a lot of people in here talking. You guys are talking to Ryan. I love it. You guys are giving Ryan some help. All right, Debbie's got a question. But even if it's an ex and I am now out of the situation, he keeps calling and saying his family won't help and I'm the only friend he has. Should I call his family? No, I would not call his family because I feel like that's, that's outside of your side of the street. Debbie, if his family's not helping, is. Is as sad and hard as that is to hear, there's probably some really good reasons. It means he's burned some bridges for that. So I, I think it would be out of balance to call the family, and I don't. And I don't think it would help anyway because if they're holding that strong boundary, I don't think that they're gonna, they're going to let that down because I'm sure that there's a reason why they're doing that. All right, let's see here. All right, Ryan there. Let me go up and find Ryan because Everyone's trying to talk to Ryan. Ryan, start your question. Amber will probably answer. Let me, let me go back up. Let's see. Sorry, it's just taking me a second, guys. I need a moderator, I think. Okay. I think the question you guys are responding to with Ryan is this first one right here, which is how do I stop drinking? And everybody's jumping in here to, to give you some feedback. And I saw, I saw what you said later in another chat, Ryan, which is you said, I'm not, I'm not in denial. In fact, you're saying, I absolutely hate what I've become. So you're, you are not in denial. And you are actually, just by watching this video, you're actually already taking action steps because you're trying to figure out what to do in order to leave the alcohol behind. In my experience, most people know, like, literally most people know deep down inside what it is that they really need to do to make it happen, especially if they've tried multiple times. And usually it comes down to, like, there's just like something like one little thing that they've been, like, resisting doing for whatever reason, and it's because of that that they're not having the success. Maybe it's like the person's been like, they need to go to medical detox because they can't get past three days, but they just haven't wanted to and they're just resisting it. Or maybe it's like they have a friend or a relationship in their life that they know that they're just never going to be able to get sober and have that relationship. And it's like they want to get sober, but they don't want to give up that relationship. Maybe it's like they know they, they need to get support and they should go to meetings, but they feel anxious and they don't want to. If there's something in your heart deep down that you know you need to do that you've been avoiding doing, that's probably the thing that's missing. I, I mean, I could tell you 10 things to do, but you, you know, you know what the pieces are that aren't working for you. Are you keeping it in your life? Is there a relationship? Is it help, treatment, coaching? What is it that's missing? Or what is it that you kind of been avoiding or being reluctant to? That's. That's the thing. Appreciate all you guys who's jumping in there trying to help. Ryan, let's see here. And I do have, I do have a playlist on this channel specifically for people who are trying to stop drinking. So it's for those early days. So definitely go back and check that out. And I also have a free 30 day jump start program that you can sign up for on my website. Go to my website, which is familyrecoveryacademy.online. go to the tab that says free resources. Slide down and find the 30 day jump start. Because it's just little 3 minute Amber video messages that will come to your inbox every day. It'll help you stay motivated, overcome roadblocks. Just little short thought for the day that'll help you get going. That's why it's called the jump start. All right, here's Stephanie's question. I am learning how to lecture less, give less advice and less solving problems. I'm asking more questions, more conversation, and more storytelling. Will this help an adult son, alcoholic, want to get help? Yes, it will help. It will help the person come to terms with the fact that they have a problem. And it's sort of levels first. It's like that helps them come to terms with it, with whether or not they have a problem. So if they're in denial, you kind of got to get past that. And then there's sort of like second layer of denial, which is, can I solve this problem on my own? So if you've been doing all these things, you're, what's happening is you're allowing the person to have a safe place to talk to as a sounding board. And just like I was telling Ryan how like most people have the answers down inside, as you're getting him to talk, those answers are coming up, surfacing. And when he's, when he's saying those things out loud, it's reinforcing it in his own mind. So if you're ever talking to him and he, and he says something like, yeah, I really need to, I think doing this or that or whatever would help me then say, well, what's the best way to make that happen? Or have you thought about anybody that does that? Or get him to sort of elaborate on how he's going to take the action steps and that will increase the chances that he will actually take the action steps. Because you're, you're not only is he saying, I need to do something, and he's saying, I think this would help, I need to do this in order to do that something. And then if you ask him the how questions, it's kind of like now you're getting him to commit to how to make the Action step, how to put it in place. But, yes, what you're doing is definitely, definitely helpful. Question here. If my VF uses heroin once a week, is that an active addiction? Addiction isn't about what substance or how much. It's about how much unmanageability and difficulty it's causing in your life. It's about, do the cons outweigh the pros? You know, is it messing your relationships up? Is it messing your finances up? Are you putting yourself in a dangerous situation to do it? Do you have cravings for it all throughout the week? Are you only using once a week because you've had difficulties in the past, you've been to treatment, and you're fooling yourself into thinking, well, I can just do this once a week and make it manageable. I honestly don't know many people that do heroin once a week. So I'm kind of skeptical a little bit, I'll admit, and doubtful about that statement. So it makes me think there's more going on or maybe, maybe he's doing heroin once a week, but he's doing something else during the other times. So I don't know. I think there's a little more to the story. But the addictive questions are not about what or how much. It's about how much unmanageability is coming. All right, everybody, we are about to run out of time, and I just got a little thing that's in. My battery is about to die, too. So don't forget, there are more resources in the description. If you are not in our family group, it is awesome. You can jump on and actually ask the questions kind of like jazzy, like face to face, which you're going to get your questions answered a lot more effectively than right here in the chat. Because a lot of times, you know, you're giving me a sentence or two, and it doesn't give you the room to give me all the backstage story and the details that. That I really need to give you, like, the best possible answer, which you can get that in the family group. All right, everybody, I'll see you guys next Thursday at 1. Thanks for hanging out.