Real Life Examples of What To Do When Someone Is Breaking Your Boundaries!

What do you do when someone else continuously breaks your boundaries? Do you have a person like that in your life? A friend, a family member? A loved one? A co worker, a boss? If so, this video is for you. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the Shovel Down. I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and this YouTube channel is all about understanding the science and psychology of addiction so that you can get your life and your family back on track. And of course, boundaries is a huge topic in the realm of addiction recovery. Now, you might be thinking this video is only for the family members, but if you're thinking that, you'd be wrong. This video is for anyone who wants to learn more about holding healthier boundaries and how to do it more effectively. I know just how frustrating it is to have a person in your life that just can't seem to respect your boundaries. And I get questions about this all the time, emails about this, and of course, I've personally experienced it myself. Haven't we all? Let me know what boundary you really want to do a better job of keeping in the comments below, and I'm going to tell you how to actually accomplish that. And fair warning, the answer might be a little surprising. The hard truth is no one else can actually break your boundary. Only you can break your boundary. If someone else is crossing lines that you don't want them to cross, it means you're allowing them to. To break your boundaries. You see, your boundaries are the lines in the sand for your own behavior. So if someone's doing something to you or acting a certain way towards you that you don't like, that means that you're not keeping your own boundaries. And it's so easy to fall into the idea that it's this other person that's the bad guy. And I get you on some level, right? Like, where's the common human decency and respect? Why do people have to put you in the bad guy role? Why can't people just do what they're supposed to do? Act right, have decency of manners? I'm with you, man. But unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. And ultimately it falls on us to keep our own boundaries. It's easy to get confused because we think a boundary is in. We tell someone else what they can and can't do, and then we. Then we watch the member videos and we convince ourselves that, hey, no, I'm telling them what I will and won't tolerate. But if you don't have a plan for what you're going to do, If x, y or Z situation happens, then you don't have a boundary. You can't just say something to someone and think, okay, I've put it out there and they're not going to do it because I've told them. And I mean it. Anytime you set a boundary, you got to be prepared to back that boundary up. If this happens, I'm going to do this. Then you're not prepared to back the boundary up. Let me give you some really common boundary issues that I hear all the time. In family recovery, you have to be home by Blank. Well, 11 o', clock, 10 o', clock, 12 o', clock, 2 o', clock, I don't care. But there's a boundary in. You're saying that this person who lives with you needs to be home by blank time at night. It's like a curfew or something. You know what? That's not a real boundary because that's about them and their behavior that's on their side of the street. And you can't really tell someone else what they're going to do or not do. And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, well, this is my kid. I'm gonna tell them what they can and can't do. Well, if you're watching this video, then you're probably thinking about a kid that's old enough to be having a substance abuse problem, or at least not obeying your curfew rul, which means you can't really control their behavior. You can only control your behavior. Hang on to that. We're going to come back to it, and I'm going to tell you a better way to set that boundary. If that's an issue for you. Here's another one. You can't use drugs in this house. And I know what you're thinking. It's my house. I can set a boundary for it. Sure you can. But you can't tell someone else what they can and can't do. Or at least if you're going to do that, then you need to have a really good plan about what you are, are, and are not going to do when that happens. Here's another one I hear all the time, you can't talk to me that way. Well, if someone's talking to you, ugly, they're already doing it. So apparently it's not an effective way to set a boundary, because again, that's you being on their side of the street. You're trying to build walls and gates around them, which people don't usually like very Much. And most people don't respect. Remember, you can only build the wall or gate around yourself. Here's another one. You, you have to pay your part of the rent, you have to pay your part of the electric bill, you have to pay your part of the rehab, you have to pay your part of child support. I mean, the list goes on. This is another really common when it comes to addiction recovery, wanting someone else to be more financially responsible for themselves. Again, anytime you're starting with you or you're going to, or you're not going to, that's a really good clue and indicator that you have now moved on their side of the street. And you're probably not setting an effective boundary. Here's another one, and it's an important one. This one is you have to be sober when you're with the kids. Now, I'm not saying this isn't an important, healthy, good boundary, but what I am saying is you're going to have to figure out a different, more effective way of setting that boundary. And we're going to go back through this list and we're going to talk about alternative ways of thinking about these boundaries and how to make them more realistic and get them back on your side of the street. But as we go through these, I want you to think about two things. First, I want you to think about why am I setting this boundary? Am I setting this boundary because it's what I need for myself and my children, my family, my own sanity? Am I doing it for me reasons, or am I doing it because I'm trying to control that other person? Now be careful here because it's easy, easy, easy to lie to yourself. You can easily say, like, I'm setting a boundary. Like, for example, I'm not going to pay for your college X, Y or Z. And you might be saying, well, I'm setting that financial boundary for myself? And maybe you are, but maybe you're really just doing it because you're trying to control the other person. So think hard about this one. Are you trying to set it for yourself or are you really setting a boundary for someone else, but trying to disguise it as a healthy boundary for yourself? That's the first thing you need to figure out. If you're trying to set it to control someone else, then you're kind of out of bounds. And I'm going to suggest you rethink the situation. Now, the next question you have to thoroughly think through is what am I going to do when happens? And this second one right here, this is the key to actually. How do you actually set a boundary? For example, let's go back to the one that we said, you can't talk to me that way. See, that's not really boundary. That's telling someone else what they can't do. You can say, I'm not going to allow myself to be talked to that way. Right? That's a boundary. But in order to back that boundary up and keep that boundary, you have to decide what you're going to do. Maybe you're not going to answer the phone calls, maybe you're going to leave the situation, maybe you're going to leave the relationship. But whatever happens, it has to be an action that you are willing to take and that you are going to take. There is absolutely no sense in setting a boundary if you're not willing to back you up. In fact, you're doing more harm than good because you're just training the other person that you aren't really going to back your boundaries up and that you're just all a bunch of big talk and you don't really mean it. And that's definitely the opposite of what you want. Let's go back to the first one on the list, which was, you have to be home by X o'. Clock, right? A better way to set that boundary might be, hey, the door is going to be locked at X o'. Clock. So if you're coming home for the night, make sure you're home by then. If not, I'll assume that you're staying out for the evening. Now, you got to be willing to back this up. And this is a hard one. This is actually one that a lot of parents end up having to set. So before you say it and before you said it, I want you to really, really, really think this through. Can you back this up? If your kid comes home after the designated time and they're ringing the doorbell and they're banging on the doorbell and they're yelling or screaming or begging, or are you really going to be able to stick with what you said before you say it? Make sure you're ready and willing and capable of doing what you say you're going to do. Otherwise, you're breaking your own boundaries. How about this one? You can't use drugs in this house. I hear this one a lot and hey, I understand why you're saying that. But again, it's not very enforceable. When you say you can't use drugs in this house, you can say something like, if I find drugs in this house, here's what I'M going to do. Maybe you're going to throw them away, maybe you're going to confront them about it. But whatever it is that you're going to do, that's the boundary. The boundary isn't, you can't use drugs in this house. The boundary is, if I find drugs in this house, here's what I'm going to do. Now, I gave you those examples about how to set a boundary around that, but I want you to think long and hard before you set that boundary. Are you really, really, really ready and prepared to do that? Is it what you want to do? Is it the most effective thing to do? So make sure you think those things through before you set this boundary. Now back to that financial boundary, the one where we said you're going to have you're part of X, Y or Z. The way you set. That is, I am going to be responsible for. I am going to pay for X, Y or Z, and that's it. I'm not going to pay more than that. I'm not going to pay your child support for you. I'm not going to pay your electric bill. I'm not going to pay your rent again. Make sure you're prepared to totally back this up. You can't tell someone else what they are and aren't going to pay. You can say what you will and won't pay. Here's another boundary. How about this one? I hear it a lot. You have to go to rehab. Again, not very enforceable, right? A better way to think about that might be, hey, I'm not comfortable living with you until I feel really, really solid that you're working a good recovery program and that you are solidly working in the right direction. That's a better way of saying it. Now, remember that one on the list about you have to be sober when you're with the kids? Let's figure out how to reword that one a little bit more effectively. Now, if you're watching this video and you are the one who is struggling with an addiction, you might be thinking, well, these don't apply to me. I want you to just hang on because I'm going come back and give you some examples of how it might work on your side of the fence. So back to our example about you have to be sober when you're with the kids. You know, you're kind of in the right ballpark with boundaries when you're starting these with I and not you. So you might can say something like, if I feel like you're intoxicated I'm not going to leave the kids with you. If I feel like you've been using or drinking, I'm not going to allow the kids in the car with you. Those are boundaries that you can set on your side of the fence that you can then control because it's about you and not about them. Now, I know I promised I would get over to the other side of the street, which is. What about people who have addictions needing to set boundaries with their families? Yes, that is actually an issue. In fact, it's actually a really big issue. Because when you have addiction in a family system, everybody starts breaking boundaries. Not just the person with the substance abuse problem. The family starts breaking all kinds of boundaries too. And the person struggling with substance use problem gets just as frustrated about those boundary violations. But here's a really big piece of hard truth. Most of the time, if you're the person with substance abuse problem, you don't have much leverage. You don't have nearly as much leverage as the other person has. That's not all the time, but most of the time. So it's a little harder for you to set the boundaries. Because a boundary you might want to set might be something like, you can't tell me how to work my recovery program, which is a totally understandable, justified feeling. Right. I want to be in charge of how I work my own recovery. I think that's a pretty common thought and feeling, don't you? The question is, can you set a boundary around that? Yes, actually you can. You could say, I am going to work the recovery program that I think is best. But you have to be ready and willing to back that up. And that might mean to do it your way. You can't live in somebody's house or you can't have this privilege or that privilege. And you've got to be ready and willing to accept that. Unfortunately, a lot of times the person with substance abuse problems is kind of at the mercy of the other person. Now, what's not okay is to try to demand and manipulate and throw a fit or gaslight or do in or start arguments in an effort to get your way. And maybe you feel like that's only fair and justified. I'm not even arguing with you. Maybe it is, but it's not okay to get your way through those tactics. If you have a family member, a loved one, a friend, or someone who's crossing your boundary, it's your responsibility to get enough in control of your life so that you can actually enforce your boundaries, which to Be completely honest usually means you have to have some level of independence. You have to be able to have your own place or make your own money, as crappy as it may be. It's just another one of those crappy, crappy things about addiction is that a lot of times it puts you in a bad financial position. It makes you very reliant on someone else, which is just another really good reason and motivator to conquer that addiction. Because you don't want to be controlled anymore. You don't want to be controlled by your family. You don't want to be controlled by an addiction. You want to be back in the driver's seat. Now, I know if you're watching this video, it's probably really honestly because you want someone else to change a particular behavior. And maybe you've been trying to do that through this boundary setting, but you haven't been doing it correctly. If you're really trying to get someone else's behavior or thought process to change, you might need to go about that a little bit differently. You can't do that by telling them what they are or aren't going to do. And it's not so great to give ultimatums or threats either. But there is a way to influence someone in a good direction. In fact, I'm going to put a link in the description below so you can get access to my Persuasion Equation masterclass. That's a much more effective way to help lead someone else's behavior in the right direction. Now, up next, I want you to watch this video because it's about boundaries that you should always, always, always keep. Like, these are the lines in the sand that should be there for you no matter who you are or what the situation is. These are like the no go zones. I'm put it right up here so you can watch it next.