Reasoning With Someone Who Refuses to Face the Truth

Maybe you're trying to say this drinking is becoming a problem. Maybe you're trying to say this relationship isn't healthy. Maybe you're trying to say our kid needs some help. Maybe you're trying to say this family is pretending like everything's fine and it is clearly not. Or maybe you're trying to say you hurt me and we can't just move on like nothing happened. And instead of hearing you, they get defensive. They get angry. They shut down. They attack your tone. They call you dramatic. They say you're judging them. In fact, they turn the whole conversation Back on you, and you're sitting there thinking, "Why won't they just listen to reason?" Well, that's exactly what we're talking about today. Because most people think the problem is is that they haven't found the exact right words yet, so they try harder. Then they say it more firmly, and then they start bringing in the evidence to prove their case. Then they get even more frustrated, which means they get even more intense, and eventually they realize, okay. This just isn't working. I need a better strategy. So they go looking for advice. They watch YouTube videos, they read articles, they listen to counselors. And when they go to those resources, they hear things like, use your I feel statement, which is kind of like instead of saying you're drinking too much, they would tell you to say, I feel scared when you drink. And that is less aggressive. It's definitely better than attacking or name-calling. But a lot of the time, the other person still hears it as a criticism. They still hear, You're the problem. They still hear, you're hurting me. They still hear, you need to admit that what I'm saying is true. So then when none of that works, maybe they go to ChatGPT and they ask for better phrases. And ChatGPT will give you some really good sounding phrases, very polite, very emotionally intelligent, super counselor-y things like, I care about you and I want us to have an honest conversation. Or, I'm not trying to attack you, but I need to talk about a pattern I'm seeing. Or, when this happens, it affects me this way. Well, they're definitely better than coming in hot. They're kinder. They're more respectful. They keep the conversation from exploding, at least not nearly as fast. But there's still a problem. Most of those strategies are still about pushing your truth into the other person. They may be softer. They may be nicer. They may be wrapped in better communication skills. But the goal is still, how do I get you to see what I see? And if the other person already feels threatened by your truth, a prettier version of your truth is still going to feel threatening. They may resist it more politely. They may use better language. They may say something like, I hear what you're saying, but that doesn't mean they're actually taking it in because people do not usually change because you finally found the perfect sentence. They change when they're able to hear something true without feeling like they need to defend themselves. That is the shift. The truth you're trying to get them to see is usually already in there. Now, it might be buried. It might be covered up by fear or shame. It might be covered up by loyalty. Maybe it's covered up by their need to keep peace, or it may be covered up by the fear of what will happen if they fully admit it. Most of the time, the truth is not what's missing. It's buried underneath a bunch of other truths, and I'm calling them truths because they are true. They're not excuses. They're not justifications. They're not even reasons to ignore the problem, but they are real because 2 things, even opposing things, can be true at once, at the same time. And it can also be true that facing a drinking problem feels humiliating, terrifying, overwhelming. It can be true that your child needs help. It can also be true that the other parent is scared your reaction will push them further away. It can be true that your sibling's behavior is hurting the whole family, and it can also be true That the parents feel trapped just trying to keep everyone connected. It can be true that someone betrayed you, and it can also be true that they're scared they'll be defined by the worst thing they ever did forever. Those other truths or other part of the truth, they don't erase the big truth that you're trying to get them to see. They may be sitting on top of it. So the goal is not to push your truth onto them, because I really think the goal is to help them hand those smaller truths over to you one by one. Think of it like you're getting them to clear the path so that they can look at this other big thing that's been buried inside. You want them to finally get close enough to the bigger truth that's been buried underneath all that. Now, sometimes there's just a few of these little truths that you have to pull out of them, and other times there's a lot of them. But if you skip over all the other truths and you try to shove your big idea, what you think is happening at them, They will almost always protect themselves from seeing it. Now, accepting their truth, listening to their point of view does not mean you agree with them. It doesn't mean you let the problem slide. It does not mean you avoid the truth forever. It means you stop trying to kick the front door down and you start looking for the actual doorway. Let me give you some examples. Let's say you're trying to talk to your spouse about their drinking. You've probably already tried saying, you're drinking too much. You may have said, this is a problem. You may have said, you're not being honest about it. You may have said you promised you were going to cut back. You may have pointed out the nights, the receipts, the bottles, the behavior, the broken promises. And yes, maybe all that is true, but the second you start there, they're going to feel cornered. They'll feel watched and judged. They'll feel like alcohol has become the only thing that everybody's measuring them by. So they'll defend it. They'll say you're controlling. They say you're obsessed. They say you're exaggerating. They say you never let anything go. And they might even say you're the one making them want to drink. And then you're in the same fight once again. But what if instead of pushing the big truth at them, you started by making room for one of those smaller little truths, their truth, their side of things, the ones that are sitting right on top of that place that you're trying to get to, like what's really in their heart? You can do that by saying something like, I hate that this topic has gotten so loaded between us. Because they're probably going to agree that's true, right? And then here's the key. You say the statement and then you stop. Or you could say something like, I can see how the second I bring up your drinking, it probably feels like the whole conversation is already stacked against you. You make the statement and then you stop. Here's another one. It feels like we're stuck in a loop where I get scared, you feel judged, and then we both dig in. Then stop. You're not saying your drinking is fine. You're not saying that it doesn't matter. You're not backing away from reality. You're naming one of the smaller truths. And this is so helpful because until they feel like you can see their point of view, they're not going to let it go. If you don't do that, the whole conversation is loaded because they do feel judged. They do get scared and you both do dig in. That's why those are real truths. And sometimes if you can make room for those smaller truths, the person becomes a little less defended. Now, if you do this and they respond defensively, stay curious a little longer. You might say, what's it like for you when I bring it up? Why won't you admit it? How can you not see this? What's it like for you when this topic comes up? There's something powerful about trying to understand someone's point of view before you try to get them to understand yours. It creates humility. It creates openness. It makes a little room. And once someone feels like you're actually interested in their experience, they often become more willing To hear yours. Now let's take some examples. We'll start with a parent example. Let's say one parent is very worried about a teen child. Maybe there are behavior problems. Maybe it's substance abuse. Maybe there's lying. Maybe there's mental health concerns. Maybe it's just something that's just clearly off. One parent's upset and wants to take action. The other parent seems to minimize it. So the upset parent says, you're not taking this seriously. You're in denial. You're enabling this. But a lot of time, the other parent does see it more than you think they see. They're probably not actually ignoring it, but they may be worried that your reaction is going to make things worse. They could be thinking, if we come in too hard, he'll shut down. Or if we panic, she's going to stop talking to us. Or if we make this into a huge thing, we'll lose all of our influence. That may be their truth. They could be trying to protect the connection. Or trying to protect the communication or trying to protect the influence. So when you say you're not seeing it, they hear you're a bad parent, and now they defend their parenting instead of helping you think through the problem. In that kind of situation, a better doorway might be to appeal to their ability to communicate. Something like, you're usually better than I am at thinking through how things will land with him. Or ask something like, what do you think he'll actually be open to hear right now? Or what do you think's making him shut down? Or you could say something like, what do you think would help us stay connected while still getting him to take this seriously? This is a completely different approach than saying, you need to admit that this is a problem. You're not trying to prove that the other parent is wrong. Instead, you're inviting them to bring their wisdom into the situation. You're helping them find the truth that they already have access to. And it is so much more effective to do it this way because now They don't have to defend against you. They get to step into a role they probably already value. They get to be thoughtful. They get to be protective. They get to be strategic. And once they're in that mode, they may be more willing to look at what needs to happen. Now let's take a sibling or a family example. Maybe there's one sibling who always creates chaos. Maybe they blow up or they tell lies or they borrow money and they never pay it back. Maybe they manipulate, or, and maybe they get defended by the parents over and over again, and you're sick of it. So you go to your parent and you say something like, you always take their side. You always expect me to be the bigger person. You keep enabling them. And again, there may be truth in that, but when you say it that way, the other person is probably going to hear, you're unfair. You're a bad parent. You don't care about me. So they defend. They say, that's not true. They say, You don't understand. They say, I'm just trying to keep the family together because those things are part of their truth because they probably really are trying to keep the family together. They probably really do feel trapped. Maybe they really are just trying to keep everything from blowing up, but that doesn't mean the pattern's okay. But it does mean that there's more truth sitting on top of that idea, that understanding that you're trying to get them to see. In that kind of situation, the doorway might be to acknowledge the burden that they're carrying. You can say something like, I bet it feels like walking on a tightrope sometimes trying to balance things between all of us. Then remember the magic word or the magic part? Stop. Don't rush to make your point. Let the silence sit because if that's true, they're probably going to respond to it. No matter what I do, somebody's always upset. And now you have a real conversation started, not because you accuse them better, but because you help them say one of their own Truths out loud. And from there, you can take it even further. You can say something like, what's it like for you when they get upset at everyone and then they start looking to you to calm things down? Or what's it like being in the middle of all this? Those questions, they're not traps. They're not cross-examination. They're genuine attempts to understand. Because when people feel understood, they often become more able to understand you. That is the whole point. Now let's talk about a really heavy subject. Betrayal. Let's say someone cheated or lied or hid something to seriously damage the trust, and you're the one who got hurt, and you're trying to say, this is a big deal. You're trying to say, we can't just move on and pretend like nothing happened. You're trying to say, I'm not ready to just forgive because everyone else is uncomfortable with it. Now, all that is probably completely true, but if the other person hears, you're the villain forever, They're going to defend against that. You can count on it. They're probably going to minimize, or they're going to say, I already apologized, or they're going to say, why do you keep bringing this up? And they're going to say, nothing I do is ever enough. And then they say, you just want to punish me. And maybe one of their truths is that they feel trapped inside the worst thing they did. They're afraid they'll never be seen as anything else. They're scared that repair is impossible. Again, that does not excuse betrayal. It does Not erase the damage. It doesn't mean you need to forgive faster, but those other truths may be blocking their heart, blocking them from being able to see something you really need them to see. So in a situation like that, a doorway might be something like, I know it probably feels like every time this comes up, you're being dragged back into the worst thing you ever did. Then stop. Saying something like that really lets the other person know you can see things from their perspective. You could say something like, I can imagine it feels like no matter what you do, this is always in the room, and then stop. You're stopping because you're allowing them to talk. Because again, I want you to realize that you're trying to get them to hand you their perspective. I want you to think of them like the little roadblocks that are blocking their heart. Going about it this way just names something real about what it feels like to be in that conversation. And then after they talk, you might ask, what's it like when I bring this up? What do you wish I understood about what this is like from your side? Again, doing this is not agreeing. You're not surrendering your truth. You're not opening the door. You're not letting them run all over you. You're just opening the channels of communication. After they feel like you understand their side, they're way more likely to hear yours. In fact, you probably won't even have to say yours. They'll say your side for you. They'll say, yes, I know I did that, and it is hard when you bring this conversation up, but I get why I hurt you, or I get why it's not easy to get over. You see how saying their side, it just like puts a little humility in between everybody. And then maybe you can go on to a conversation about workplace friendship type situations. All right, let's look at another type of situation. Maybe there's a manager who's bullying people, or there's like a friend who keeps hurting people, or like there's a family member everyone keeps trying to work around. It's kind of like somebody in the group is obviously harmful or difficult, something like that. And the pattern is probably obvious to everyone, but nobody wants to talk about it. So you say, This person is toxic, or everybody's pretending this isn't happening. Why won't anybody do anything? And again, you may be right, but the people you say it that to are going to feel accused. They hear you saying that they're weak. They may feel like you're saying they've been complicit. They may feel like you're asking them to start a conflict they're not ready for. So they defend the status quo. They say, don't start drama, or that's just how they are, or they say, it's not that bad. Or we just have to work around it. And sometimes one of those smaller truths is that people really are afraid of the fallout. In fact, most of the time, that's exactly what it is. They're tired. They don't know what to do. They've been just trying to survive the situation by working around it. Now, again, that doesn't make the pattern okay. It's just acknowledging their perspective, their truth, their side of things. So you can get to that peace that they're protecting inside. So like in a situation like that, a doorway here might be the emotional cost. Like you say something like, It feels like everybody's bracing for impact lately, and then stop. Or it feels like people are spending a lot of energy trying to predict how they're going to react, and then stop. Or you can say, it feels like the workaround is starting to cost more than the confrontation would, and then stop. You're pointing out the truth, but you're not forcing the verdict. You're letting the other person feel the pattern and maybe even name it for themselves. That is so much more powerful because people usually know the truth. They're just not ready to admit it. And so making it sound scarier does not make them face it faster. It usually just makes them avoid it that much harder. That is why facts alone don't work. That is why force backfires. If somebody's already defending against something and you try to push harder, they do not become more open. They become more defended. They attack, they shut down, they deflect, they focus on your Tone. They accuse you of being dramatic. They find one tiny little technical inaccuracy and use that to avoid the entire point. And then you feel even more frustrated because you're thinking, how can they not see this? But the truth is, they probably see more than they're admitting. They probably already know something is off and that they need to do something about it. They already feel a pressure. They already feel the cost. And deep down, they know it can't keep going the same way. But if admitting that out loud feels like humiliation, guilt, betrayal, failure, losing control, they're going to continue to defend against it. That's why your job isn't to hand them the truth. Your job is to help them get close enough to the truth that's already in there. So instead of asking, how do I make them see what I see? Ask yourself, what truth are they already carrying? What are they trying to protect? What feels risky about admitting this to you? What good thing are they trying to do, even if the strategy's not working? What smaller truths are sitting on top of the big truth? Asking yourself those questions will change how you communicate. You become less aggressive, but not weaker. You become more curious, but not passive. You become more strategic, not manipulative, because the goal is not to trick someone into agreeing with you. The goal is to create enough safety and dignity that they can stop defending for a minute and start reflecting. Now, I do need to say this. I want to be really clear. This does not guarantee that they will change. Some people are just not ready. Some people are too defended. Some people are too invested in the current situation. Some will still reject the truth no matter how carefully you approach it. But if you're dealing with someone who's defensive, scared, ashamed, overwhelmed, or stuck, This gives you a much better chance than pushing harder will. The old way is, I need to tell you the truth until you finally accept it. The better way is, I need to help you find the truth that's already buried under a lot of other fears, concerns, and resistance. That's what I call looking for the doorway. And if you're dealing with addiction, this becomes even more important because denial isn't just stubbornness. Denial is protection. Protection from shame, protection from fear, protection from loss, protecting themselves from the terrifying realization that life may have to change. When someone starts to see an addiction clearly, they're not just admitting a fact. They're facing a whole pile of hard truths. Like, I may have to give this up completely. I've hurt people around me. I might not be as in control as I thought I was. I might even need help. I may not be able to keep living. The way I've been living. Those are enormous truths. And if you try to shove that into somebody, they will undoubtedly protect themselves against you. That's why in our Denial Breakthrough Intensive Workshop, we teach families how to lower defensiveness, how to help get a person seeing the problem without being forced into a corner. Because if every conversation turns into a fight, the person is not getting closer to reality. They're getting better at defending against you. So if you're trying to get through to someone who's defensive, addicted, minimizing, locked into a pattern that they can't clearly see, Denial Breakthrough is where I teach this process in a much deeper, more specific way. It's not about arguing better. It's not about having the perfect comeback. It's not about forcing them to admit the truth. It's about learning how to get past defenses so the truth has a chance to come from the inside. I'll put a link below if you want to learn more about that. But before I let you go, I want you to notice something. This whole video has been about helping someone face a hard truth without pushing it down their throat. And if you're still watching, there's a good chance that you just faced one of those yourself. You might be realizing that the truth you've been trying to tell them might be right, but the way you've been trying to get them to see it may not be working. Now, that is a hard truth because it means You have to be even more patient, strategic, curious, humble with someone who's probably already hurting you. Now imagine if I had opened this video by saying you're making it worse, or you're not doing it right, or you're the reason they're so defensive. You probably would've just clicked off, or maybe you would've gone straight to the comments and told me exactly what I was missing. And honestly, you would've had a point because that would've felt unfair. So instead, before I ever gave suggestions, I tried to name your side. I named how frustrating it is when the truth feels obvious and the other person won't hear it. I named how hard you've been trying. I named how you've tried to say it directly, more firmly, more calmly, how you've tried to use better words. We talked about the fact that there's a lot of advice out there that sounds good, but still doesn't really work. And because of that, maybe you were a little more open to hearing something. That normally would've made you feel defensive. And here's one other thing I want you to notice. Deep down, you probably already knew most of this. You probably already knew that the same conversation keeps turning into a fight. You already knew that the more desperate you got for them to see it, the more defensive they got. But it's hard to admit things like that when it feels like someone's blaming you. It gets easier to admit it to someone who first understands why you're doing it. Because you're mean. You're not pushing because you like conflict. You are pushing because you're scared, you're frustrated, you're exhausted. You're trying to get someone to see something that really matters. You might even be trying to save someone's life. And once that part's understood, the hard truth becomes easier to hold. And that is exactly what you're trying to create for the other person. Most people already know the truth more than they're ready to admit. So your job isn't to force it into them. Sometimes your job is to make it easier for them to find the truth that's already inside.