Rebuilding Trust After Addiction |Family Recovery Resources

The topic is how to rebuild trust after the betrayal of addiction. So we're gonna come at this topic in two pieces. I'm going to be speaking both. I'm going to give some advice to the person, maybe in early recovery, who struggled with addiction, and I'm going to be giving some advice to the family or the loved one of the addicted person. I'm going to give you some suggestions on both sides about things you can to help improve trust, help make it go faster, and basically just speed up the healing process. So the first thing I want you to understand is that I used the word betrayal on purpose in the title of this video. Because when you've been in a relationship that's been damaged by addiction, it's the same kind of damage, emotional damage, that infidelity causes. And I really wouldn't even say, especially if it's between partners or spouses, that there's. That there's a whole lot of difference in the two, because infidelity really is the keeping of secrets from your partner. And if it's the case of a parent and child, it's the secret keeping that is the most problematic of all the bad things that happen. It's the lies, the secret keeping. All the times that the addictive person tells the loved one that they're crazy, that they're wrong, that they're imagining things. These are the things that have caused the damage. It is not the substance use. It's the byproducts of the substance use. Those. It's. It's all of those other symptoms that are causing all the hurt feelings, all the trust issues, and basically the majority of the damage. So we're gonna. Like I said, we're gonna take a look at that, and we're breaking the categories. But before we do that, I do want to tell you that I want you to think about that trust betrayal, not just in, like, whether or not a person is using or not, because it's way more than that. It's. You know, a lot of times it involves financial betrayal. You know, it's financial trust. It's. It's emotional betrayal. Not just you lied to me, but you made me feel like I was crazy. You told me horrible things. You manipulated me. It's that emotional betrayal. It's. It's all these different levels of brokenness that happen. And I will also say this. Hey, Glennis, you made it. That's awesome, Glenn. This is watching us from Australia, I think, which is kind of cool, right? So not just talking about everything that the person with the Addiction has to do and they have to do all the work and the family doesn't have to. Because just as mistrusting as the family is of the person with the addiction, the person with the addiction is also just as mistrusting of the family because let's face it, everybody's been lying, everybody's been manipulating and everybody's been doing some sneaking. Now it's like the addict of the alcoholic is doing all that stuff to try to like chase the substance, but the family's doing all that stuff to try to chase the addict or the alcoholic. So if we're honest with ourselves, it's not a completely one sided thing. It's a complicated mess of a situation that can be healed. But both sides of this situation are going to have to be open and we open and willing and show some humility if in fact you want to heal those relationships. So now we're going to get into some pieces of advice about what you can do to heal your side of the issue as far as building trust back with your loved one. First, I'm going to address the person that has the addiction. I've got myself some little notes. If you see me looking down, that's, that's what I'm looking at. I got my little notes here. So I was thinking about this statement just today. I hear people all the time saying this, people in early recovery, it's my recovery, you stay out of it. It's my business. And for the most part I've been fairly supportive of that because families will try to come in and micromanage the situation. But as I was thinking about this video for tonight, I was thinking, you know what, it really isn't just your recovery. What you do, everyone around you is impacted. So if you relapse, the whole family goes down. And so when you, when you're saying to your loved one, like, stay out of it, it's my business, it's my recovery, that's not really true. And I know your sponsors told you that. I know your counselors told you that. I know you've heard that from everyone else. But let's think about it, that's not true. Because when you make those decisions, you hurt every one around you. So be careful about making that statement. Now if you're watching this as a family member, that's not, I'm not giving you license to come in and for you to say that to them. You don't say that. I'm saying that because it's not helpful if you say that anyways. And it's not helpful for you to micromanage their recovery. In fact, when we get over there and giving you some advice, I'm going to talk to you about not doing that. So I'm not advising you to do that. I'm just talking to the person in early recovery to help you understand where your loved one is coming from. It's. Everybody's recovery is all tied up in here together. So be careful about your wording and your phrasing. Even if everyone else has told you that I'm telling you different, Give me a thumbs up or a thumbs down. Y' all agree with that? You don't, you don't agree with that? I know that's a little different, but y' all know me, I like to, I like to just be oppositional that way sometimes. Okay, the second thing, the second little piece of advice I'm going to give to you if you're in early recovery is you are going to want that trust to come back. Not maybe not immediately, but like, way quicker than it is. And you're going to be frustrated about how much time that's going to take to come back. And I tell the clients I see, I talk to them, I say, you know, trust is the absolute most valuable thing that you have. And it's not just a matter of, like, I betrayed someone's trust. I lied to them once. Most of the time. This has gone on for years. It has been multiple, multiple, multiple, like, betrayals, lies, all of that stuff. Y' all know what goes down. And so it's not going to come back immediately. It's going to take a long time for your loved one to heal from that. And you are going to have to have the patience and, and humility to let that process happen. And that leads me to the third one. You're going to have to understand that your family, your loved one has triggers, just like you have triggers. So just like you feel like your family needs to realize that sometimes relapse happens. And you know, it doesn't mean that you're going to keep doing it. And you know, you get triggered and you want them to have that empathy for you, you need to understand your loved one has triggers too. So, like, when you say you're going to be home at 5:30, but it's 5:50 and you're not home and your loved one is going crazy and you're really not doing anything bad. You just got caught in traffic and your phone was dead or whatever, and you couldn't call, and you walk in the house and they're going crazy. You need to understand that that's completely realistic reaction. Because in the past, when you've not been home when you're supposed to and you would answer your phone, it only ever meant one thing. And so you can't have all this history of telling your family all these lies and expect them to believe you when you're lying, but then really being mad and upset when they don't believe you when you're telling the truth. I have several videos out about lying, and on Facebook, there's some comments. And somebody said on there, like, I was talking about, like, how to tell if someone's lying or something like that. And someone said, well, you know what's really bad is when they're. When you're telling the truth and they won't believe you. But you know what? That's just a consequence of it. Like, that's just the loss of trust. And I don't mean that in a mean way, but come on, be practical. You can't lie to someone forever and ever and then expect them to not be distrustful. That's just not natural. So understanding that your loved one has triggers, it is not going to happen quickly. It is going to take a long time, and it's not even going to be a smooth process. It can be like you're doing really good for, like, two months, and then your loved one finds something in your pocket that's just like, I don't know, a wrapper from something you bought at the gas station, not even something sketchy. And they just lose their mind over it because it reminded them of something they used to see when you were using. And you're gonna have to have the patience and understanding to know that they're triggered just like you're triggered. Just like you drive down a certain street, you see a certain person, you pass a certain store, and you really get keyed up, the same thing happens to them. So all of this is going to be about having patience and humility with each other. And if you can do that, you can get on the other side of all this. Hey, Meg, thanks for joining us. Meg says Amen. I'm gonna put that up there. I like it. Let's see. Next on my list, still talking to the person in early recovery is expect to have to be what I call, like, vigilantly hyper vigilantly transparent. You are going to have to be way more transparent than you would in a normal circumstance. So normally, if you're running five minutes late, it's not really that Big a deal. You don't even have to call and tell somebody five minutes late because you're going to get there and no one's worried. But when you've had all of this loss of trust, if you say you're going to the grocery store and then you think, man, I'm hungry, I'm gonna stop it like, Taco Bell and get a taco or something first, and you veer off the path and you go somewhere else and you come home and you have, like, your Taco Bell cup, and your family sees that. I know in the other situations, that wouldn't mean anything. It's like, so wait, stop Taco Bell. But for your loved one, it's like you weren't where you said you were going to be. It's going to be a trigger. And so even though it may be silly, it may feel silly to you at the time. You're going to have to make that text. You're going to make that call. Hey, I'm going to stop at Taco Bell. Do you want me to bring something that's even extra bonus? So you, you need to be aware that you're going to have to let go of some of your privacy, that you're going to have to communicate extra, extra, extra, that you're going to have to sort of let some of your own walls and your defense defenses down. Because the more defensive you get about that, the more it looks like you're hiding something. So if we go back to, like, the Taco Bell conversation, if you get defensive and you say, does it even matter? It's not my business. It's not your business, and you get all that crazy defensive, it's going to make you look sketchy. So you're just going to have to let those walls down, communicate what's going on with you. Communicate when you're late, communicate when you're off path or somewhere where you shouldn't be. And I know you feel like, well, maybe you feel like I'm an adult and I shouldn't have to do that. But if you want to rebuild trust, these are the things that are necessary. Let's see. Okay, this is my last one. For the person in early recovery, unless I think a more long way. This last one on the list. So when you have done all this damage to your family, let me just say most of the clients that see me have done a lot of damage to their family, and they've already apologized like, a bazillion times. And so this, like, basic I'm sorry business it not only does it not work, it almost just, like, makes your family mad because they've heard it so many times before, and it almost feels like an insult. So I would not even try just the generic I'm sorry because you done said that man times. And it's just gonna make your family angry. It's gonna upset them, and then. And then they're gonna come at you. You said it so many times, and they're gonna attack you, and that's gonna make you defensive. So don't even do it. That doesn't mean that you don't want to express your regret. But if you're gonna do it, I'm gonna give you my secret formula for doing this effectively, especially when you've done apologize, like, a million times. So my second formula is this. It's not just saying, like, I'm sorry I lied to you, or I'm sorry I had that relapse, or, you know, I'm sorry I spent that money and didn't tell you about it. What you're going to have to do is a couple things, and you can do this face to face. Sometimes these conversations are really hard, and it's okay to write it in a letter. I think sometimes that allows you to really think through what you want to say and not feel on the spot. And so it allows you to get your wording just right. So if you want to write a letter to your loved one, I think that's great, too. But here's what you need to go into an effective apology. One thing that's helpful is if you tell more than the person already knows. So if you. If you'll validate, you need to validate that when you were telling them that they were crazy, that they weren't crazy, and that you're not just sorry that you stole. You're not just sorry that you used the drugs in your life, but you're sorry that you made them feel like they were the problem. And when you apologize for these things you're going to say, and when you thought I was, you know, over at Steve's house, and I told you I wasn't, I was over at Steve's house. So that's that transparency. Even looking back, if you'll tell them things that you didn't even have to tell them, it really indicates to your loved one and your family member that you mean it and that you're not just, I got busted for this one thing, and I'm apologizing for it, because whatever that one thing you got busted for, you know, that is the tip of the iceberg. Unless you're just really bad at being at it, like, you know, you done a lot more. So go ahead and throw those things in there and don't just say, you know, I did this, I'm sorry for it. But also, if you'll say, and I know it affected you in this way, and I know it made you feel this way, and I know it scared you, and I know it puts you in this bad position or backed you into a corner. And so you're saying, here's what you're saying. You're saying not just I'm sorry, you're saying, I know what I did wrong, I accept what I did wrong, how I covered it up, how I turned it on you, and I have some level of understanding about what that must be like from your position. You see, that's a, that's like a, that's like an advanced level apology right there. And to do that, you're gonna, it's gonna be genuine and from the heart and your loved one's gonna know that you mean it and that you're not just trying to say like, I'm sorry, get off my back. Speaking to the family side, because I said this is not just a beat up session for the person that's got themselves dug into a hole. We're gonna look on the family side and we're gonna look at both sides equally and talk about what each side can do to help the process. All right? On the family side, more than anything, I'm guessing you really do want to trust them. You don't want to be a crazy maniac anymore. You desperately want to trust them. And in order to trust them, you want them to tell you the truth. Well, if you want people to tell you the truth, then you've got to be really, really mindful to set the stage in the right way to encourage truth telling. And in order to do that, you have to do the best that you can. Not to freak out, not to go into a crazy lecture mode, not to constantly bring it up and throw it in their face, because no one. This is like, whether it's like an addict family member or your kid or your cousin, anybody, no one is going to want to be vulnerable and be honest with you if they feel like it's gonna turn back on them. I'm not saying that you're not warranted to do that. Not saying that you're not even valid to do that. I'm just saying it's ineffective. So you're Gonna have to be approachable, you're gonna have to be non freakoutable. And they're gonna have to know that they can tell you it, that it can be a calm conversation. But Boston terrier, that's why it's like my dog. My dog is half Boston terrier and half French bulldog called Frenchton. So looks just like your dog, man. So you're gonna have to set that stage if you want your loved one to be able to come to you and tell you things. Now here's a piece of advice that I tell all of my clients when I first get them. Although they like hardly ever, never ever, like, take this advice. When I get my clients, remember, I'm always the one that sees the personal drug, alcohol problem. I say, listen, you sit in my office, so I know you're in deep doo doo. Like I know you are in big trouble because you don't end up my office unless you done dug a big hole for yourself. And I say, it's my job to be your lawyer and get you out of this mess. That's what I tell them, because that's kind of the way I see it. And I say, I know you got busted for something, probably, or you hit some kind of bottom and you're a big trouble when your family's mad at you. But I also know that whatever it is you're in trouble for, there's a whole lot more to it that they don't know. And I encourage them to sort of take that moment when they're already in the biggest trouble ever to throw everything else out on the table too. So I say, listen, if you owe some more money to a drug dealer and they don't know that, if you pawn something and they don't know about it, if you lied to grandma and she's going to tell it, whatever it is, like those other things that could come back around and your loved one find it out, go ahead and say it. And then I say this, and I want you to be able to do this. You're already in trouble. I don't really know how you can get much more trouble. And. And if you do it, then what I usually tell my client is I'm gonna go across the hall, I'm gonna talk to the person that's in your family, and I'm gonna ask for you to get a get out of drill free card, the rest of that stuff. So if you're watching this as a family member, here's what I want you to say. They're already in big Trouble. If you can say, listen, we already know we got this problem. It is on the table. And I know that there is a lot of other stuff that goes along with this problem. I just need to know the truth so that I can heal and begin to trust you. And so if you've got other stuff out there, put it on the table now. Because here's what happens to my clients. Like, I always tell them this, but they're usually new, so don't really trust me that much yet, and they never do it, but I try. Six months down the road, after they've done really good and they've earned all this trust and things are moving in the right direction, that thing that was still hanging out there comes biting, bites him on the butt. The drug dealer knocks on the door. You know, grandma shows up and tells that one thing, whatever it is, and then the whole thing, any amount of trust that's been built immediately disintegrates. It doesn't just go to zero. It goes to negative 10 million. So I'm always like, if you're the family member, you know, and you're at this crossroads with your loved one, you've been at these a million times, then just say, okay, what else is out there? And then my client, when I say this, they always look at me like I'm crazy. Like they don't know what I'm talking about. And then I go through a list. I'm like, like, how about this? How about that? How about, you know, lies you've told? How about people you've told one thing to and someone else, something else, or money you owe or money you've taken or money that's missing from the account, or what else is out there that could possibly come back and bite you in the butt and destroy your trust worker? Okay, you can turn your badge in. I want you, as a family member, to stop spying, stop digging through the bank accounts, stop looking in their wallet, stop going through their room, stop getting in their pockets. Stop. Take the tracker off the phone. Take the tracker off the car. Like, stop. Stop doing this. Cancel the Instagram that you got in the fake name because you're watching a loved one. Okay? Like, get off of the Facebook. I know you got, like, the secret accounts and you're watching or whatever you're doing. Like, stop. Because you're feeding your own anxiety. You're feeding your own distrust. And doing that is never gonna make you feel like you can trust them more. I know it's kind of like this urge, but just like the addict the alcoholic, they have this feeling inside, like an itch that they just want to scratch. And it's like, oh, if I could just itch it, it would, like, satisfy it. Like, I want a drink. If I just have a couple drinks, I'll feel better. And it never works that way. It never makes me feel better. I'm saying the same thing to you as a family member. Like, if you're doing the sign, you may feel like, oh, at least I'll have, like the certainty. And I'll know. It will not make you feel better. It'll make the itch stronger. You'll keep digging, you'll keep looking. And when you do that, that makes your loved one who's trying to be in recovery not trust you, not feel like they can tell you things. And so it's how you as the family member can keep the whole problem going if you're not careful. But I just can't say it enough because people keep doing it all the time. Don't do the home contracts, don't do the bound, don't do the ultimatum boundaries. Don't do these hardcore if then statements. If this, then this. Keep it more loose than that. I know that they, you, you want to put that boundary out there. And I'm not telling you not to have a boundary. I'm telling you as the family member, don't back yourself into a corner. And a lot of you probably heard me talk about that before, but I just see it so, so often. You know, it's like if you relapse one more time, taking the kids from you or whatever it is, and it's like, well, maybe they relapse. But they came and told you if you've got those hard black and white rules, that's another one of those things, those like, no tolerance rules that's gonna make it really hard for your loved one to come tell you if they're struggling. And then speaking of that reminds me of something. I was doing a coaching call today and this guy, he is concerned about his wife who has a drinking problem. Anyways, he said this a bunch of times, but he kept saying, like, I told her if she really, really wants a drink to call me. And I said, I'm not real sad. I'm not going to yell at you, like, it's going to be fine. And he's like, but she never calls me. And I said, dude, she's never going to call you when she wants to drink. So family members, sometimes you think like, well, they'll come to you if they have the urge. I've seen it happen a couple of times, but not very often. And I don't want you to feel bad about it as a family member. Because even if I say that to them, like, hey, if you feel like you're going over that, call me first. How many of those calls you think I've gotten? None. How many calls you think I've gotten immediately, right after they've done made a really bad decision? A lot. Even in, like, when they go to 12 step and they. Well, when we used to, like, go real life 12 step, they used to pass around this list. People put their number and they say, you know, call us if you're having a hard day, you want to use. It hardly ever happens because once you have that urgent craving, you've already, like, decided you're going to use. And if they were going to tell something, the immediate loved one is probably the last one, because they know you're going to freak out on the inside, and they don't want to upset you. So I think it's okay to say that to them, but I wouldn't really expect that they're gonna do it. Like, I'll tell my clients that, but if they do, I'm like, oh, my gosh, totally shocked. Like, what is happening here? So. Because it just doesn't happen. The next piece of advice I have for family members is this. This is what helps me the most. This is what helps me not worry and not freak out. And I know that that's totally different a thousand times. Get that I am the counselor and not a family member. And so if this person does whatever, it does not directly affect me, which I get. But, you know, as counselors, we have insecurities too. You know, we're like, well, if they're, like, using, I don't know it, then I look bad. So we kind of get. We can get pulled into codependency, too. Counselors are naturally kind of codependent. Like, how do you think we got to be counselors? So it's in there in us too. So I need you to trust the fact that addiction will show itself. It is the nature of addiction. You can count on it every time, a hundred percent. You do not need to look for it. You don't need to investigate. Okay? They may get by with something once or twice, but they're not going to get by with it very long. Maybe they did in the beginning, before you ever knew there was a problem, but that was before it was on the radar. After it's on the Radar. You're hypersensitive, and you feel every little change. And you're, like, watching and you're aware. And the nature of addiction is that it's unmanageable in their life, which means they can't keep control of it, which means it's going to cause all these problems, which means they're not going to be able to limit it to just a little bit. And that's what I say. If you just trust the nature of addiction, it's going to let you take your hands off of it. Because that's what I do. My office. I don't chase it that hard. I do drug tests, but mostly for them. Mostly just for some accountability, because I know that it's going to show up. I don't have to chase it. And so if you'll just believe me when I say don't, you don't have to look. It will get itself right in front of your face. And if you miss it the first time, it'll keep getting in front of your face until you see it. It's gonna show itself. And then. Which kind of goes to my next point, which is, learn to trust your own instincts. You know your loved one better than anyone else. You know when they drink because they talk different, they sound different. They answer on three rings and not two rings. You know when they're using because their pupils are different or because they're avoiding you more or because they're really nice to you. You know those tiny little changes in behavior, attitude, movement. On such a deep level, sometimes you don't even know consciously exactly what it is to even tell me. But I know that you know. So you can trust that addiction will show itself, and you can trust that. That your instincts will tell you the truth. You may not know exactly what, but your instincts are going to be tuned up to know something's not right. It's going to be really easy to excuse it away. Well, it's because they're stressed. It's going to be really easy to kind of brush it off. But, dude, your instincts are almost like there's, like always, right? They're programmed deeper than your consciousness. I've got two more things for family members, and then I'm gonna jump in here and take some questions. And if you guys want to go ahead and be put in the questions, there's a little lag. So go ahead and put them through there. And then once I get through with these two things, we'll put questions up. Okay. The next thing is, which is number six. I Don't know if I've been telling you the numbers. Number six on the list here is have a relapse game plan. So we tell people in recovery, you know what, we make them like develop all these like relapse plans. You know, like, what are your triggers, what are you gonna do, blah, blah. I don't really do a whole lot of that. They do like a lot of that in treatment centers, but it mostly just becomes an activity of like going through the motions and checking the list. I do have conversations with people about it, but I don't usually have them do like a whole bunch of worksheets. They don't like it anyways. But as a family member, you need to have a game plan on what you're going to do if a relapse occurs. Not a contract and not ultimatum. This isn't a something between you and that person. This is a something between you and yourself. And the first line of defense on that needs to be if there's a relapse. Your job, your most immediate job is not to get on the roller coaster with them because it means they're getting back on the roller coaster. If you do not get on that seat beside them, they will get off that roller coaster a thousand times faster. Their addiction needs you to get back on the roller coaster. If they start using, they're going to want to suck you back into all the old behaviors that you did because it's then that they can be angry at you, that they can be mad, that they can make it all your fault and then not have to deal with the fact that they're in relapse. So your job is just not to get on the roller coaster with them. And most of the time when families don't do that, it's pretty short lived. And then this last one here is going to help you with not getting on a roller coaster. If, especially if this is your spouse, is build yourself kind of like a safety net of independence plan. Like if your finances are all tied up together, separate your finances. If you know you need to have a like fire drill just in case this goes bad and it does not work. What is my plan B? And I feel like if, and I don't mean this because I want you to feel like whatever, I might be leaving, but if you have that security, it almost allows you to be calmer because you know, like, I'm gonna be okay. Like if the worst comes, the worst, I know I'm gonna do just like, you know with your kid. You talk about fire drills. If there's a fire in the house. Here's what I want you to do. Here's how I want you to do it. If you have that plan in your head not to tell them just for yourself, then you're gonna feel more secure. It's gonna make you be able to relax just a little bit more. Alright? Now I'm gonna go back through here and look at.