Rebuilding Trust: Journey to Healing After Addiction

Trust. It's the fragile thread that connects us to the people that we love and we care about. But what happens when addiction destroys that bond of trust? Lots of lies, promises broken, deceit, manipulation. Actually, on both sides of the equation, it can be very difficult to put those pieces back together. Even if the addicted person gets clean and sober, there's still a lot of damage that's left behind that's going to need to be repaired. In this video, I'm going to share with you the five essential steps to putting that trust back together so you can salvage your relationship after addiction has broken it into a thousand million pieces. Now, last week I asked you guys if you guys wanted notes. A lot of you said you did want to want notes on our last week live video. So I have put the link there for you to download those. This week I went ahead and did the same. We're going to see if people find these helpful. And I actually made it into a fillable PDF, which means you'll get my notes, actually, the ones I'm actually looking at right now to do this video. I don't know if you can see them over there, but they're over there. You're going to get a copy of those and there's room for you to actually add your note, your own thoughts and notes in there. If you want to look at them while you listen to the video, that's fine. I went ahead and put the link. It's up in the chat, it's in the description. Or if you just want to download them after, it's totally free, all you have to do is go to that link. You can download these notes. Now let's get into the five essential steps to rebuilding trust after addiction. The first, biggest, most important step is you've got to acknowledge how what you did, basically you have to say, hey, I know I did this. You have to acknowledge your behavior that broke the trust in the first place. And not only that, but it's most helpful if you can acknowledge not only did I do that, but also some sort of recognition that you get and you understand how that impacted the other person. A lot of people find it very hard to get to forgiveness and get to move past when the other person won't acknowledge the bad behavior, the broken trust, the lies, the deceit, the broken promises. Now, that can be very difficult to do when you're in early recovery. A lot of people ask me, a lot of family members ask me, hey, my loved one hasn't made amends yet. What the heck? Basically, it's like, I want my apologies and I can 1,000 million percent get that. That's a valid feeling. But even if you look at like the 12 step methodology that making a man's thing, it's on up in the steps, it's not one, two or three. And the reason is because a lot of times someone in early recovery, they're pretty fragile. So if your loved one is in early recovery and you haven't gotten this completely yet, you haven't got. They haven't really acknowledged it fully. I don't want you to freak out too much. I mean, if they would do that, sure would be helpful, right? But I don't want you to freak out too much because sometimes it's just so hard. They're still full of shame. They're still just very, very scared to bring the topic up because they're scared it's going to trigger you and then it's going to trigger a big argument or you're going to remind them of all these things that they feel guilty and terrible about, or something bad is going to happen if they bring it up either externally or internally inside of them. So a lot of times they just won't bring it up for that reason. But if you don't hear someone saying it, sometimes you can kind of tell it by their behavior. And to be honest, if you had to choose between what someone does and what someone says, hey, look at what someone does. Because somebody can say, oh, I get it, I'm sorry. But if their behavior doesn't show it, believe behavior over words every single time. Behavior pretty much always tells the truth. So the first thing you need to do is acknowledge it. If you're not getting that acknowledgement, then look for the behaviors and family members. If you're watching this, you're like, that's right. They need to acknowledge it. Yeah, that's true. They need acknowledge it. But believe it or not, it's gonna be hard to hear. But they feel like you betrayed their trust too. And sometimes they're not giving their apologies or acknowledgments because they feel like you won't give your apologies or acknowledgments. And I know what you're thinking and you're. And it's a valid thought. Okay? You're thinking, I'm not the one that did all the drugs, alcohol, that did all the lying and deceit and all that kind of stuff. And you're probably right. Their deceit compared to your deceit is probably like there's this big, here's this Big, I'm not going to disagree with you on that. But there has been some not honest, truthful, above board when I call it behavior, usually on the family members part too. Because there's a lot of sneaking and spying and questioning and even some sort of like setup behaviors like set these little traps for. And so because of that, the person who's had the addiction also lacks trust in you, the family member. You may not feel that's fair, maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but it is the case. And so all the things I'm telling you in this video are for both sides. This is not just the addictive person needs to do all these things. What I'm talking about is when trust has been shattered in a relationship, this is what needs to happen to bring both people back together. Now, when I say admit the past mistakes, that means admit that yes, you've said you were going to change 10 times before and you didn't. So those failed attempts to change, admit past dishonesties, admit and acknowledge when you've done something in the past, you regret saying that you regret it. I regret doing that. I regret being dishonest about that. I regret, you know, not listening to you. That goes a long way for healing that relationship because not only are you admit you did it, but you're admitting that, yeah, I know I shouldn't have and I feel really bad about it. So if you can have that honest, authentic vulnerability in there, it's going to go even further. And most of all, don't forget to acknowledge how your choices or your behaviors or whatever it was affected that other person. A lot of people try to tell themselves that I'm only hurting myself, but that's not true. If you've got people in your life that love you or care about you and you're destroying yourself, you're hurting them too. So be honest with yourself about this and acknowledge how difficult it is for the other person. And try not to tell yourself thoughts like, well, they didn't have to help me, they didn't have to keep letting me back in. That was their choice. Come on now. You know this person loves you. You know you leveraged that love and that care and that concern to get what you wanted out of that person. So. So recovery is all about honesty, self honesty. So if you're still being dishonest with yourself about these things, you're never going to be able to repair the trust because you don't know the truth. You have to be honest with yourself so you can be honest with someone. Else so you can bridge this gap back together. Now, the next thing I want you to do is I want you to set reasonable expectations about going forward. Now, for those of you who are really familiar with like 12 step recovery, they have a saying, they call it one day at a time. And so sometimes people in recovery will tell their loved ones, well, I'm sober today. And their loved one will say, well, do you plan to drink tomorrow? And the person will say, well, I don't know about tomorrow, but I'm sober today. Family member will take that as some kind of, oh, they're planning to drink tomorrow. What the heck, you know, they don't mean it. And that's actually something that some recovery programs teach people with addictions to say. And the reason they do that is it's because you've got to acknowledge that this addiction is still there. And it's cunning, baffling and powerful and it can get you. So being too self assured and saying things like, I'll never drink again, I'll never spy again, I'll never manipulate again. Those are probably unrealistic expectations. Now if you're not saying I'll never drink again, that doesn't really mean that you're planning to do whatever it was again. But what you're saying is, I get that this is a problem and I am taking it seriously and I am going to do whatever I need to do to keep this thing from coming back. I promise not to give up on it. I promise to keep working on it. That's what I mean when I say set reasonable expectations. Even as the family members, you guys watch these videos, I tell you not to yell, nag, threaten, scream, beg, ultimatum, all that kind of stuff. I tell you, and you'll do really good on it. You'll. You'll get like 90, but every now and then you'll like loose it and you'll do all those things I know you do. Because you guys always like, it's always funny when I talk to you because you're always like, oh, hey, I did Amber. It's like confessions kind of funny because you're gonna have those moments where things aren't great and you're going to have those slipbacks. So even for you as the family member, set reasonable expectations. I'm going to try not to do that anymore. I realize it's not helpful. I realize it's triggering. I realize it makes it worse. I get it and I'm working on it. So acknowledging that you get it, that you're working on it, that you're going to do your best. That is a reasonable expectation and it comes with being honest with yourself. You can't really promise forever because you don't quite know what's going to happen. Number three, this is a biggie. I want you to be overly transparent in your communication, especially if you are the addictive person. I want you to be an over communicator and it's kind of a hassle, but it's actually not as big of a hassle as if you don't do it. If you'll just go ahead and overly communicate from the get go, you'll actually save yourself about 3,000 interrogation sessions. And it makes your life easier. You'll actually be communicating less. So what I mean by that is if you're going to be 10 minutes late coming home, say you're 10 minutes late coming home. If you were gonna go buy milk and bread at the grocery store, but you ended up spending $30, say, hey, when I went to the grocery store, I saw this, whatever it was, and I was superintending. I was probably just hungry and I bought it anyway. Because otherwise, you know, your loved one, they're gonna be like looking through seats and what the heck? Why was that? What? You know, what was that made for you? So it's just bread and milk. So if you'll just say up front, these things that normally probably had this trust issue, not been there, really aren't a big deal. You wouldn't have needed to communicate. I just want you to go ahead and communicate them. It may seem like overkill, but it's going to mean a lot to your loved one. That, that you're, that you're doing that, that you're being very, very above board. And I want you to do that for quite a while. I want you to do that for several months or at least until, you know, things seem a little bit better. And that will help keep your loved one's brain from spinning and, you know, making stories up and coming to conclusions, which actually is going to help you because it means when you do come home to minutes late, they're not going to be waiting at the door and freaking out and secrets find you. And they're not going to jump online and start checking all the bank account and looking at those trackers that they have on you, which you shouldn't have on them. Amber's telling you don't have the trackers. So when one person kind of has some kind of slip or behavior that's a trigger, the whole system, a lot of Times will relapse. And so this is about damage, controlling it, this is about getting ahead of it. And I always say being addiction is about getting ahead of it, understanding what's coming next, and planning your next moves based on that. So the next thing I want you to do is I want you to leave room for error when you're going to question this other person. Basically, it's a nice way of saying don't be so self assured and cocky if you're going to accuse the other person of something. It's natural when there's a lack of trust to think somebody's being sketchy, to think someone has bad intentions, to jump to a negative conclusion, that's a totally natural response. And sometimes you're going to need to ask those questions, you know, just gonna say, hey, you know, you said this day. And it came across to me like that. And you know, what did you mean by that? I understand sometimes you're gonna need to ask those questions. When you do that, I want you to use language that leaves room for error. Okay? And, and what I mean by that is I want you to say things like, I'm probably just being triggered and being all extra right now, but my brain started telling me this and this and this. It's probably not what happened. Can you help me understand it? So you're saying I could be wrong, but I'm probably overreacting. But you know, it probably was legitimate that you did that, but it made me feel this way. So you're leaving room for error, which is basically showing some humility when you do that. It makes the person feel much less defensive and it makes them better able to answer your questions or to tell you what happened or whatever, you know. But when you come at someone like, oh, you were being super sketch and I know what you did, and you probably were doing this and that and you got your attitude out. Even if the person wasn't being sketchy, they're going to get their attitude out, which is just going to make you feel even less trustful of them. And it's going to keep you guys in this spiraling mess of an argument and of distrust. And then a bunch of more things are going to be said, a bunch more hurtful things are going to be said. That's going to cause even further more distrust. Now those are your four big steps. This last one, I'm calling it a step, but it's really a thought number five, sort of tip for re establishing trust after addiction and after it's been broken into a million pieces is be prepared for setbacks. People do not get well in a straight line. It's not like, oh my gosh, you know, I'm a drug addict, worst addict ever, whatever, and I admitted it and then I went to counseling and then I just got better and better and better and better and I lived happily ever after. That's not the way it works on either side. It's not the way it works on the family side and it's not the way it works on the addiction recovery side. We do better, we slide back. We do better, we slide back. And that's not me giving excuses for even relapses. Because sliding back, it could be like a full out relapse, like a, like using substances again or engaging in that addictive paper. But it can also just be a relapse back into old behavioral tendencies like not telling the whole truth or avoiding hard conversations or saying something kind of manipulative or being dishonest and say, no, I'm not tracking you and I am tracking you. You know, all of that kind of stuff. I'm not saying it's totally fine for that to happen, but I am saying you're going to need to leave room for that and you're going to need to be prepared for how to deal with it when it does happen on both sides. If you are in early recovery, guess what? Your family, it's going to try really hard if they're watching these videos to be positive and to be supportive. But occasionally they're going to lose their crap because of all the old stuff that happens or has happened and you need to be mindful that they're going to lose it. They're going to spy at some point, they're going to say some things that are not nice at some point. And I need you to tolerate it. I know that when you are really working hard on your recovery and you're really trying to get better, that it's just like, I just want to put this chapter behind me. That's what I hear all the time. People say that and they feel that all the time. And it's understandable, but it's not practical from your loved one's perspective because usually there's been a lot of back and forth progress, usually for years. And even if you know, you mean at this time, and even if you know you're really serious this time, you cannot really expect for your loved one to just totally know that you really mean it and be on board and just not even like put their sketch on you and, and Just forget about everything that happen happen. Would it be nice? Sure. Is it reasonable? Probably not. I talked to this fella a couple months ago. He was in our, I think it was in our strengths based coaching program. And the first time I talked to him, I said, well, you know, I had never spoken to his family or anything. And I said, well, how are things between you and your wife? Because he had gone to treatment, come home. He said, things are actually really good. And I was like, really? I was like, that's impressive. And he said, actually, she said to me when I got home, hey, this is your fresh start. You know, I'm gonna let all the pass. I'm just gonna put it in a box and put it over there and I'm just gonna close the door on it because I know we need to move forward. And I was like, seriously impressed when I heard that because is that a very helpful thing to do? Oh, my gosh. Beyond believable helpful. Is it easy to do? Absolutely not. Because there's all these resentments built up and it's our tendency, sometimes we don't even mean to. It'll come out in these little jabs and these little passive aggressive statements. And you know, well, you probably. Well, that was back when you're drinking and we sort of want to bring it up and remind them. And like I said, sometimes even we don't mean to. It kind of sneaks out. If you can. If you can keep that in a container and put that away. Usually if the person gets better and you do all these things and rebuild trust, it takes care of it. You don't need to relive every bad thing that's ever happened. You don't need for the person to admit every single drink they ever took, every single lie they ever had. Even though I said beginning, like, admit your mistakes, that's not taking the inventory and literally going through with a fine tooth comb, like collecting evidence and having them admit every single thing. For one, you don't even remember every single thing because it's been going on a long time. So let's be real. And all the details of it aren't quite necessary. What's necessary is to acknowledge the big picture of it. Look, I know I lied to you. I know I used to tell you that, you know, I had to say, like, because I was working on this project, but really I was going by my boy's house and we were smoking it up, whatever. And I shouldn't have done that. And I know that that made things hard on you because you didn't have any help at home. And I know that that made you feel like you were in this alone and it made you feel like you couldn't trust me. And. And you might probably even kind of wonder like, was I gonna have an affair or something? You know, that's what I mean when I say acknowledge your past war. If someone says, you know, I drank too much and they say I drank 10 beers, but you know, they drank 12 beers, does it really matter? No. Can they acknowledge that they drank too much? That's what matters. Can they acknowledge that they were dishonest or they left something out or are they kind of ready for the situation? It's that big picture acknowledgement. Try not to get into the weeds with it because it really. The details of it are just going to trigger you and it's just more likely to start a longer argument. So try not to. Try not to get too far into that if you can help it on both sides. Now, like I said before, just a reminder, the notes for this video, the notes that I use, the ones I drafted up this morning when I was trying to come up with my talking points, you can download those if you'd like them. The links in the description is also pinned at the top of the chat if you're watching live. And as always, there are more additional resources in the description. Like if you want to get help from me or my team, then you want to become a member of our family members recovery program. There are also lots of other resources linked in the description. With all that being said, I want to say hello to our people who are watching live, hello to our people that are watching on playback. And for those of you watching live, let's take some of your questions and comments and concerns to see what's going on with you guys today. Alrighty here. Looks like we got a good amount of people on here. Hello, everybody. Thanks for joining me live. I appreciate that. Let's see. Hey, tiny face McGee from Maine. I like your username. Allison. Hello. Hello. D if you have a question, if it it helps me. I'm trying to spot them, but it's hard to sort of talk and look at all the comments. So if you put question marks in front of it or write the word question and all captures in there, it helps me see your question. F. Let's see here. Hi, I am lovely dove 23 and Susan and Jordan from North Dakota. Let's see here. Tiny Face McGee says I'm trust out. I'm burnt out of trusting liars. If your actions don't match your words. I'm done. Hey, I get that I'm not telling you that you should forgive someone. I'm not telling you that you should try to repair the trust. I'm just saying if you decided that's what you want to do, this is the way to do it. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. But if it's what you're going to do, this is the way to do it. Let's see. East coast girl says, I learned from this channel to stop snooping. It has taken some time to repair that damage to my relationship with my adult child. Hopefully, east coast girl, you're seeing some shifts in your relationship because of that. It. It is really hard to stop sniping. But when you get really honest with yourself about the snooping, it doesn't do you any good. It keeps you triggered. And what are you going to do when you find it? You're either going to confront them. It's going to start argument. They're probably going to lie to you about it, or you're not going to confront them because you don't want to tell them that you're snooping. But now you have this big, giant, secret piece of information which makes you crazy inside. So the snooping really just makes your life harder, honestly. And once you really wrap your head around it, it's still hard to stop doing it. But eventually it becomes easier and easier. Let's see. I see a question mark here. Amber, any tips on keeping trust while your loved one is going through the bargaining phases? Recently, my alcoholic husband relapsed after two weeks and keeps drinking every two to three days and hides it, too. Now I find it tough to trust. Even though he's being honest with some things I acted out today, making him use it as an excuse to drink. Only yesterday he agreed to see a doctor. I feel I sent him back in his faces. Okay, let's dissect this a little bit because there's a lot here. First, I want to say what you're saying here. You lost it yesterday, and you're trying to sort of hold it in. I get it. And it happens. And. And you got to forgive yourself for those setbacks. Can you make someone drink? No, you can't. So would it have been more helpful if you wouldn't have done that? Probably. But you can't also blame yourself for their choices, because when someone's in that phase, they're just looking for any choice. If it wasn't that, when it had been something else. So don't don't blame yourself for it. But you can say, hey, you know what? I know that that's not very effective or helpful, and I'm gonna, you know, in for your own self and your own peace of mind say, you know, I'm gonna do. I'm gonna try to do better, different next time. All right, now back to the original question. How do you trust someone in the bargaining phases? You don't, and you don't need to. What? You need to trust. You need to trust me. And what I mean by that is you need to trust that the bargaining phases are necessary. So when you know someone's bargaining and you know they're trying to, like, cut it back, or they're trying to say, I'm just drinking on the weekends, or I'm just, whatever, whatever, you just need to trust that that's probably it's not going to work. That's what I mean when I say trust me and stop wishing that it would work. Goal of letting someone bargain isn't to make those bargains work. The goal of letting someone go through the bargaining phases is to get them to realize it won't work. So when they're telling you from some kind of bargaining phase, I'm only gonna drink three whatever. I'm only gonna go up my boys three times a week, whatever it is they're telling you, and then they don't do that. I don't want you to feel like, oh, I can't believe they broke my trust, or whatever. I want you to feel like, see? Not that's not gonna say this, but inside your head you'll be like, yes, because now he has acknowledged he's breaking his word. That's why you let someone go through the bargaining phases. I'm telling you, going into it, it's not going to work. So don't be upset when it doesn't work. Be glad and hope it doesn't work in a big enough way that forces them to see that their bargaining isn't working. So it's just a totally different way to look at the situation that's kind of hard and kind of different, but it'll keep you a lot more sane if you're looking at it that way. Because when those falls happen, you'd be like, good. Can we scratch this bargain off the list? Can we check this one off? Can we move to the next one? Because you got to get all those bargains checked off the list to get to the I'm going to be sober finish line. Great question, Great question. Let's see here. I think this is a question. My daughter is not ready to admit anything. She has caused unbelievable harm with her words and actions. She goes crazy blaming me for. Blaming me for honestly damaging her. Parents make mistakes. I apologize. How long can they hold to a grudge and to use it to abuse themselves and others? That's a, that's a great question. And I think at some point it's completely okay to say, you're right. I really wish I would have dealt with that differently. And I'm going to try to do better. I'm going to ask for your forgiveness and for you to move on. Just like I'm going to work to forgive you and I'm going to work to make move on. So I would just call it right to the surface. I would literally say, hey, I'm asking you to let this go the same way that you're asking me to let your, you know, bad behaviors go and your dishonesty go and all that other stuff. And kind of, you know, you're not calling them on the carpet in like a, like a fight starting way, but you're, you're pulling it to the surface and saying, hey, how long are you going to keep saying this? Because, Because I promise you, they don't want you to keep bringing up their bad things. Try that. See if that works. If they're really trying, then they'll, they'll understand that on some level they'll get that that's reasonable and fair. If they're not, and they're just picking a fight with you and they're just using it as an excuse, it won't work. But it. Nothing. It wasn't ever going to work. It was just a manipulative statement to begin with. Thank you, Jim, for your kind words and sweet feedback. Jim from Austin, Texas. Hey, Jordan. Let's see. Allison says my favorite one liner you use is you created this, not me. Works great when raising kids, especially on teenagers. Nothing to say after that. Okay. It kind of puts, it kind of puts a stop to the back and forth of you made me do this or you said that nasty thing. And it's kind of like, well, who created the situation? Elisa says, can you speak on psychosis and paranoia after meth use? I do have some videos on that. A lot of times when people are high on meth and they haven't slept for, for days, and that's usually what causes the psychosis and paranoia. It really worsens it, at least when they stop sleeping and stuff like that. And sometimes it doesn't just go away once they come down from the high? Sometimes it does, but sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it can trigger a psychotic episode that lasts for a long time. And this is a very difficult situation. It would be helpful if you could get them to get some kind of treatment. They'll probably have to put them on some kind of antipsychotic medication to make that get better. But when you're dealing with someone that's paranoid, they don't trust you at all. And at that point, you're dealing with delusion. So it's a different kind of trust than we're talking about here. What we're talking about here is sort of like the normal break in trust, the normal distrust that happens in relationships. Paranoia and delusion is a whole different thing and you cannot reason with it. So the things I'm telling you here today won't work with paranoid delusional distrust. Honestly, if you've got someone in that state, you're basically either just trying to wait for that to clear or, or you're trying to get them some kind of medical help or medical intervention. If it's not clearing on its own, there's nothing you're going to say to reason with them. There's nothing you're going to say that's going to like, put a light bulb off in their head and be like, oh, yeah, that's right, or whatever, you know, because the more you try to reason with it, the more complex it'll get. It's like a little spider web and it builds more like branches and legs. If you try to, like, reason with someone, like, if they say, I know you were spying on me with those cameras you installed and you said, look, I don't even know how to install a camera or whatever they say, well, I know that you had somebody else do it. It just gets bigger and finds ways around your reasoning. So don't try it. Here's a question from Kristen. How do you respond when an addicted loved one apologizes during bouts of sobriety for wreckage caused during use? What to actually say when they show remorse when sober, not in recovery, just sober. So what you're saying is probably hard. I think what you're saying is that it's hard to be like, you don't want to be like, it's okay, I love you, because it's not okay. Right. But you can say is, I, I really appreciate that you get it. I really appreciate that you understand how this affects me, because it really does. So just even if you're not really saying like it's okay and I forgive you. I'm not even saying you say all that, but you can at least validate that they are willing and able to articulate that to you. And you could say, and I know you're going to do better. Now what's the plan? Don't say it like that, with attitude, but you know what I mean. Question here from DM8484 says, I apologized for my bad guy approach towards my alcoholic boyfriend. It made an instant difference. I started hearing change talk. But what if change talk only comes after a few drinks? That is another. That's a great question. A lot of times when people are intoxicated, if it's a substance abuse issue, they will. They're more prone to say I know I need to change. Because when they're not intoxicated they're usually actually withdrawal and they're in that craving needing state and they're in that panic mode of I've got to get it. So it's not uncommon for people to make the change talk statements when they are intoxicated. And it's not that they only mean it when they're intoxicated, but they're under distress when they're not because they're in some level of withdrawal. So anytime you get some change talk, you want to nurture it. And I have some videos on how to do that. In fact, if you go to my website there's pages called Free downloads or Free resources. And I think one of those is where you can like look at me doing a motivational interviewing session which will go more in depth about this. And I do have like a whole mini course on this about how to have these conversations with change talk. But basically you, you want to sort of, if possible get them to talk more about that and impossible. And you got to do it in the right way. But you want to get them to identify some kind of plan for what they're going to do to make that change. It's a little bit more complicated than that. So take a look at some of those resources. If you really want to know more about it. Take a look at that little mini course because it goes a lot more in depth into it. Let's see here. Susie says thank you for your knowledge. I wish I had started watching sooner. I started about April 2023. My 59 year old husband died suddenly and tragically on 8 16. I'm so sorry Susie. I hate to hear that. I think, let's see here. From the result of alcohol abuse. So I won't have an opportunity to build trust with him again. Although his body was so toxic that he had wasn't in to want to anyway. Yeah, if it was that bad, toxic from the alcohol poisoning, it could have been that he was so far gone that even if he hadn't passed, he was beyond the reasoning point. A lot of the things that I talk about on this channel are the most effective when you have someone who's still somewhat functioning but in denial. Now, everything that I teach you about how to get through to somebody using these techniques. These techniques actually work on any issue. It's not that they only work on drug and alcohol. They work on any issue that you have with any person you like, that you care about, that you're wanting to help them sort of move out of denial about or make a change. It could be they're in a bad relationship, anything. These techniques work. But when you have somebody very, very far gone from addiction, sometimes, sometimes you have to take bigger steps when possible. But if you can't take bigger steps, like if you just. There's not much you can do. If you use these techniques, at least it will help your relationship with that person. So sometimes if your person is so bad off, they're literally in stage, like they're not going to come out of this, or they're. They're like living on the street and they refuse to get help or something. These techniques are still helpful to restore the relationship. I'm sorry about your husband. Cd. That's, that's, that's super sad and heartbreaking. I meant he was 49. Oh my gosh. Even. Even more sad. Let's see. Hey, K.K. from Ohio. Dawn says, I can't stand the thought of him being home. Just looking to see. Sorry. Scanning through. It's hard for me to like weed through because some of this is you guys talking with each other. Let's see here. Ashley says, asking a loved one to do a UA and early recovery thoughts. Okay. UA stands for urinary analysis. For those of you who are like, what does UA mean? Basically, it's like peeing a cup. That's what that means. What I like to do is go ahead and set that up on the front end as an expectation. Like, for example, if they're in treatment before they come home, say, hey, I want to do weekly drug screens or something like that. You want to have it as preset expectation of some sort with a plan of some sort. What you don't want to do is wait till someone does something that looks sketchy and then say, I want you to pee in a cup, because that's not going to do anything but further an argument. And if they did use, they're going to say, that's ridiculous. You always think I'm going to use. I might as well use anyway. And if they didn't use, they're going to think that's ridiculous. You always say, I'm using, so I might as well use. So what you want to do is you want to set it as a predetermined plan. One of those resources on the Free Resources site is a guide I wrote to doing home drug screens. And it goes through not just this thing that I'm telling you, but all the things about home drug screens, about how to set it up, which ones to use, how often to do it, what to say when they say that's a bad test. All my secret tips and tricks from doing drug screens for, I don't know, 100 years now. So if you want to download that, that might be super helpful for you, but set it up ahead of time. Don't wait till an incident happens. Should you trust it all before recovery? That's a good question, Mariana. And I'm going to say no. But that doesn't mean you have to argue with them about everything or call them out on everything. You can trust that if someone is addicted that it's going to surface. You don't have to look for it. You can trust that someone's going to go through the stages that I'm always talking about on here. So. So you want to trust in the process more than you want to trust in the person. Because this person can't trust themselves right now when they're an active addiction. So sometimes it's not even a matter of they're trying so hard to be dishonest with you. They just. They can't keep their life manageable enough to follow through with their responsibilities, to stay on track with what they say they're going to do. So you can trust that that will happen. Let's see here. Deborah says thank you for your videos. You helped. You've helped me try to help my husband when I was going about helping him in the wrong way. And I'm trying to change, to help him. Thank you so much. You're very welcome, Deborah. I hope that you're seeing some shift. These techniques I teach you guys, they don't make someone change immediately, but they almost. They will fix the relationship or not fix it completely, but you will see a major improvement in the relationship almost immediately. And things can start to shift quicker and quicker from there. Beth has a question. Is it possible to rebuild trust when your husband and alcoholic is in denial about the situation? No. If they're in denial about the situation, they're not being honest with themselves about it. And that's what you need to realize is that denial means they're not being honest with themselves about it. So when they tell you things like it's not that bad or I'm gonna stop or I'm gonna slow down, it's not even so much they're lying to you, they're lying to themselves. I mean, they're lying to both really, but a lot of it is to themselves. So should you trust them? No. Should you fight about every time they say that? No. You should realize we're gonna go through the bargaining phases. Let's get it done. Let's try all these bargains so we can get them marked off the list. Karen says my addicted loved one doesn't really share her recovery progress or feelings with me. Ideas on how to get her to share, for one, it just depends on her personality. If your loved one is your loved one, like the kind of person who likes to share, talk about thoughts and feelings in general, if they're not that type of person, then they're to going probably just not likely to talk about it a whole lot. So some people are just more prone. They want to, you know, some people just want to tell you every thought they ever had. And some people don't. Just depends on personality. So take that into account first and foremost. Karen and then the other thing you can do is if they do ever bring up any topic related to it, what you want to do with that is be super casual. Don't press it too hard. Don't try to keep them talking past when they want to talk about it and make it make that event or that situation feel super safe, super unintimidating. And what you're doing is you're saying, hey, we talk about this. It doesn't have to be weird. I'm not going to ask you mean questions you don't want to answer. We're not going to talk about for an hour. It's not going to turn into a lecture. So if any little bit of it does surface, be super cool about it. And eventually you train them. Hey, this doesn't have to be scary. I'm not going to freak out. No one's going to panic. It's not going to turn into a big thing. You can a lot of times train people to be more open to talking to you about it. Let's see. Linka says my friend's boyfriend drinks a half liter vodka day on top of four different ADHD medications and is bipolar. Holy moly. He has a regimen food but relapses after about three to four days. How to help things? Well, you're a couple of people back from the situation because this is your friend's boyfriend. So for one, take friend to watch this channel because she's the one that's going to have the most direct influence over the situation. And as far as how you can help, your job will be mostly to help your friend. And if you're thinking that your friend maybe is in denial or your friend doesn't get it, then what I would do is I would do all these techniques that I teach people to do with the addictive person and I would use these techniques with your friend because these are this, these are the techniques on how to get someone out of denial, the ones I teach. So use that same empathy. Understand your friend is going to do some bargaining. Understand your friend is going to do some back and forth with it and having that empathy for your friend is going to be helpful for them and they'll help, it'll help your friend come along because friend will probably have to come along before the loved one or before the boyfriend comes along with them. Barbara says, what's the best way I can help my 21 year old son? With 11 months off of fentanyl and one month in based bath recovery program. I know it's better if he doesn't come home. If he's in, he's in a treatment program. He's 11 months off of fentanyl. I mean, wow, that's amazing. Your job at this point is to just be there to be supportive and to encourage him and just to be, just to be the mom. I can tell you a couple things not to do. How's that, Barbara? Try not to make every conversation about it. Try not to make every conversation feel deep or intense. Be regular, be normal. Have regular conversations about other things. Be casual. Because what you're training, what you want to do is you want to train them. Hey, talking to me doesn't have to feel uncomfortable. We don't have to talk about heavy things all the time. We don't, it doesn't have to be a, how are you doing? I talked to someone this week who says her family's always like, how are you with the look. It's just terrible, you know, just like, oh my gosh and then they just want to avoid you. So you just want to work on repairing and restoring the trust. Just. It's in a program. They're there to help him. I mean, for goodness sake, he's 11 months off and all. He's doing something right. So your job is just to be there and be the mom. I don't know, send them cookies every now and then or something. Just do the regular things. Try not to be awkward. Married a long time, says he is hiding his drinking. Now we have an annual camping trip coming and he is not able to go. How do I help him with feeling that his decision is not allowing him to go? So I think what you're saying is the spouse is hiding their drinking, and you've said that you don't want the spouse to go on the camping trip because of the drinking. Is that what you're saying? Like, when you say he's not able to go, do you mean he's not able to go because, like, he's got work? Or do you mean he's not able to go because you're like, no, I don't want you there if you're going to be drinking. Because whatever reasons, which. There could be plenty of reasons. If, if that's the case, if you're saying if. If it's either your decision or maybe, maybe it's not your decision, but somebody else's decision, his friend's decision, another family member's decision that he can't go because it was drinking, then I don't know that I would try to help him feel better. If, because it's one of those natural consequences, you don't have to make a bill worse, but you don't have to, like, smooth that over or buffer or run interference. Because if that's the case, if that's why they're not able to go, then that's one of those consequences to it. Don't be ugly about it, but I wouldn't sugarcoat it either. Hope that helps. Jordan says, I've been drinking more than I should, and I want to start getting myself into recovery myself because I'm going through some health problems myself that I need to take care of. You guys see that you family members that are watching, this is big change talk right here. Jordan, this is somebody who's been doing a lot of thinking and who's ready to make a change. And what Jordan is saying is because of some health problems. And now if Jordan was your loved one and you heard a statement like this, you may think, oh, your health Problems like, well, you should. What about this and this and this? But you don't. We're not saying it's because of his health problems. If Jordan was saying that, I would say, what are the health problems? What are your concerns? You know, what do you think you could do to help that, you know, what would be your next step in the recovery process? I'm already impressed with you, Jordan. This is big change talk. Good for you. And you're watching this video. So, I mean, you're like, you get five steps ahead. Not only going to change it, but you're going to repair the trust and everything else. Very impressive. JM J M Says, how long have you seen a person stay in the bargaining phase? Years and years. Yes, sometimes years and years. Usually, if the family will do most of the things that I say, it will speed it up. If you can get them to talk with an addiction person who understands bargaining and who maybe even is trained in, like, motivational interviewing or something, that can also help speed it up at some point. I don't talk about a lot about this on. On the channel, but at some point, once, you know, they've tried all the bargains, then there may be a point where you draw the line in the sand and you say, hey, we're gonna try that. Like, I'm done with that, or, you're gonna get sober, or you're not, but you. You need to have let someone try all the things probably a couple of times before you draw that line. Because even if they get sober, when you draw the line, if they've still got in the back of their head, maybe I should do this or that, or maybe this would work like some kind of loophole. They're going to go back and try it eventually. So, JC Cat says, put the shovel down. Thank you so much for your candor about what it really takes to rebuild. I know that putting it in the past is what my person needs and wants. You've helped me to understand. You're very welcome. J.C. cat. If you can put it in the past, you deserve, like, a gold medal of honor or something. It is not. It's not easy, but if you do that, if you're kinder to them, they're usually kinder to you. And it usually helps to heal that faster. It'll heal it faster than you bringing it up and then them being defensive about it. Because when you bring it up and they're defensive about it, it actually makes it worse because then you think, oh, you really don't get it. And you're almost like. Re traumatized. East coast girl says how long to get my son to be honest about whether his extreme weight loss is due to substance abuse. We've had a long journey with one child, but I'm concerned about the other one due to weight loss and behavior. I think what you're saying is you think your son, your son's lost a lot of weight and you think it's because he's abusing substances and you're saying, how do we get him to be honest about that? I don't know how to answer you, east coast girl, because I don't know where. If there's a history of substance abuse. I don't. You. You're not even. It does sound like you're even sure it is because of substance abuse. So I feel like I would need a lot more details to help answer that because anything else I say would just be like a wild guess. So I wish I had a better answer for you, Nicole. How do you give them empathy when they feel bad but don't want them to pity themselves too much? I don't. I don't think having empathy for someone's going to make them pity themselves even more, actually. Having empathy for someone actually usually provokes them to take more responsibility. Not having empathy for someone and giving them a bunch of I told you so's and beating them up actually is what makes them feel more sorry for themselves usually. So it usually makes them more likely to take responsibility. Let's see, how do you trust it all before recovery or should you always have a healthy distrust? You should always have a healthy. I mean, before recovery there's going to be more lying and dishonesty. So we've had that set question several times. How do I trust them if they're still drinking and still using you? You don't. Again, I'll just say you trust this process and understand that. And the only reason I can tell you that for sure is because I've done this for 20 something years now. I've helped people come through these stages and it feels almost every time there's a point that it feels like someone's not going to turn around. But this process happens almost like clockwork. There's differences, individual differences in how long each phase takes. But you can pretty much guarantee you're going to have. It's going to happen in a certain order. Certain things are going to happen. Let's see here. Let's see. What if someone is in tears when talking about their addiction? Too much change talk but goes out and Uses it again. Is it a manipulation tactic or just an addiction disease model? No, probably. It's probably not a manipulation. If someone's tearful, you can usually feel their emotions. So you. My guess is you can feel whether that's genuine or not. And it sounds like you do feel like it's genuine, but what it means is that they're so far out of control they can't stop. So this is a person who's not necessarily in denial about addiction. This is a person who's. Who's basically telling you with their words and behavior, I know I'm addicted. I can't to stop, and I hate it. This is a person who might respond to a push to a making you an appointment to an old school intervention. This is somebody who's ready. Maybe they just can't take the step to do it. So say I made you an appointment. I'm going to pick you up. Say, all right, let's go to the treatment center. Right when you. Right in that moment of that change, talk and see what happens. Because this behavior is telling me that they want to stop, but they can't. All right, everybody, there are lots more videos on this channel about trust. Check them out. I will link them up here for you at the end. Don't forget the notes. And I will see you guys next. Next week at Thursday at 1. Every Thursday at 1 Eastern. We're on here. We'll see you then. Bye, everybody. If you'd like to get additional advice, support coaching on your specific situation, consider becoming a member. When you become a member, you actually become a family member. Every single week, our family recovery specialists, Kim and Campbell, come on. 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