Recovery That Sticks: 4 Signs You're Doing It Right

How do you know if you or someone you love is solidly in recovery? As in, if you're doing recovery right? That's what we're going to be talking about in today's video. We're actually going to be going over 4 signs that you are solidly, truly in recovery and doing things in the right direction. But before we do that, we're going to go over— we're also going to go over 4 signs that Things might be moving in the wrong direction. The clinical way we call this is relapse warning signs. So we're going to talk about some relapse warning signs and some recovery warning signs. That's not a thing, but I kind of like the term. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the Shovel Down. This YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so you can get your Life and your family back on track. My name is Amber Hollingsworth. I've been helping people and families overcome addiction for more than 20 years now, and it's my goal to share with you all the knowledge and information I've learned in those 20 years. And today's topic is a really good one because these are the things that I look for to be able to tell if someone is really on track. As an addiction professional, it's easy for me to question myself or for other people to question, you know, what if the person's just lying to you? That certainly can happen and does happen, I'm sure, every single day. But even if someone's lying to me, there's just some signs that you can see whether someone is in addicted thinking or whether they're in their normal thinking or even in recovery thinking, which honestly what I would say is probably better than normal thinking or healthier than normal thinking might be the way to put it. So I feel like the place to start might be to start with what does addicted thinking look like? Because even if you're not using or drinking or engaging in your addictive behavior right now, but you have these Kinds of thoughts and behaviors, it's an indicator that you might be in the trouble zone. So you need to take these things seriously. Now, before I tell you what these are, I need to put a little warning out there. If you're watching this because you have a loved one struggling with an addiction or new in recovery or something like that, I don't want you to— let me say this. I never want you use the things that I say as a weapon. It won't do you any good. And if you're doing that, then you're not really listening to me because you know that I preach to you day after day after day not to be super confrontive with someone who has an addiction. It's not helpful. It's just going to make them defensive. So I guess the reason I'm telling you that is because I'm telling you, if you see any of these signs in your loved one, don't go up to them and say, you're in relapse warning signs, or watch this video that Amber made, or Amber says. It's not going to do you any good. So make sure you're listening to the videos on how to help someone who has an addiction or how to get through to someone in denial or something like that. And if you look at those videos, you'll definitely hear me talk about this would not be the way to go about it. So that's my little warning. That's my little disclaimer. It's for you to know. It's not for you to point out to someone else unless they've asked you to point it out. Like if someone's— you're someone's sponsor or family member and they've said, hey, if you notice anything, you bring it to my attention. Then that's fine if they've asked you and that's the nature of the relationship you have. But even in my role as either someone's coach or their counselor, if I see these signs, I'm going to be strategic in how I address it. Because if someone's already in relapse warning signs and then you go and put them on the defensive and you put them under attack, then you might be helping them along. Not on purpose, obviously. But they're at some points in the process, they're just looking for a reason and you don't want to be the one to give them the reason. So always tread lightly. Let's talk, let's take a look at what those signs and symptoms are that are not the great signs and symptoms. Then we'll get into the ones that are. When someone's in an addicted state of mind, they're thinking about their addictive behavior a lot. In fact, And I tell my clients this all the time. That's the measure of addiction. It's not what you're doing or even as much how much you're doing or anything like that. It's how much you're thinking about it. Because if you're an alcoholic, even if you're not drinking, but you're thinking about it all the time and you're planning and you're scheming and you're just living your whole life till you get to Friday when you have that drink or whatever it is, you're still in alcoholism because it's an obsession. That's what it is. It's not as much about the behavior as it is about the obsession. Because you can think about it like we all know people, and maybe we have been people ourselves that have had periods of life where they drank a lot, maybe like in college or something. And if you looked at the amount they were drinking and how they were drinking only, you might think, oh, like that's alcoholic drinking. But it's not because addiction is just this whole other thing. It's a psychological brain process that just looks different. And people who've had addiction, know it. Even people who've had addiction in college, because they'll even tell you, um, whether they're, um, still young or even looking back, they'll say, oh yeah, like everyone I was around was partying, but I was partying more than them, and I was like secretly using more than them, and I was like sleeping through all my classes, and I would just wake up, and as soon as I would wake up, I'd be wanting to be at it, you know. If I was awake, I wanted to be in engaging in that addictive behavior, whatever that is. Even in those kinds of situations, there's just something that sets you apart. So when you're in that state of mind where you're either like craving or you're wanting it, or you're thinking about it a lot, and let's say you're in that state of mind, but you're being sober for whatever reason right now, because you're trying to be in recovery, because got in big trouble and trying to be on good behavior, whatever that reason is. If you're really wanting it and you're not having it, you're going to notice some other symptoms because you can be really wanting it in early recovery, but not necessarily being relapse warning signs. These are the things you want to see sort of added in on top of that. When you find that you're very unhappy for a longer period of time, I mean, we all get unhappy or mad or sad or whatever throughout the day, but when When you're going and it's days at a time where you're just mad and you're unhappy and you're building resentments and you're obsessing about those resentments and you're focusing on that and how something's not fair, how your partner, your spouse is treating you or your boss or whatever, and you're just preoccupied with that, that's going to lead you to self-pity. Resentment leads to self-pity and self-pity leads to bad decisions. A lot of you've heard me say that before. That's the relapse formula right there. And so when you find that you're in that state of mind, and if these are layered on top, so the more of these you have, the more trouble you're in, like more red blinking warning signs should be going off. So you're thinking about it a lot. That's one, right? If you're thinking about it a lot and you've been in a bad mood, it's been lasting for days and you're just ticked off at the world. You're mad at some situation or you're dealing with some kind of stressor that doesn't seem to want to resolve. And then you start feeling sorry for yourself. You have a big setup, but let's say you're going to layer in on the top of that, that you notice that you are either consciously or subconsciously distancing yourself from things that have kept you solid in your recovery, whether it's you go to meetings or you have a coach or a counselor, or you listen to certain podcasts or you read certain books. Or you go to church, whatever it is that you've been doing that keeps you solid. And then all of a sudden there are legitimate or not legitimate reasons why you're distancing yourself from them. Now that's your addiction getting you sort of off to yourself. I always say it's like a predator, like a lion. It wants to get that gazelle, that one little weak gazelle off by itself away from the pack because it's got you. That's what goes on with addiction. So you're You might find yourself getting even frustrated and mad at your meetings or your sponsor or your counselor or whoever it is. And so then that gives you reason to disconnect. On top of that, if you find that you or someone you love is sort of falling back into dishonest behavior, like maybe I should say secret keeping behavior, that's a huge warning sign. When I talk to clients who are sober, as in they're not drinking, using, whatever it is, and they're in recovery, but they get into secret keeping, we always have to talk about that because even if that secret is related to something totally different, it's so closely connected to addictive behavior that it's a big trigger. Because when you're keeping a secret, there's other things that go along with that, right? Like probably something that you feel ashamed about or guilty about. Something you feel like you did wrong, usually. Or even if it's not necessarily that, but you're keeping this secret, what happens is you subconsciously distance yourself from the people around you. Of course, you can have the same conversations and talk about daily stuff, but inside you're holding this secret. So subconsciously, you're emotionally backing up from people. So you start losing that connection in your close relationships. You get to the point where you're just sort of like going through the motions of things because you have this whole big secret back there. So secret keeping. If we, if you are seeing these kinds of signs, definitely pay attention. If they, if you're seeing them in yourself, you're seeing them in a loved one, also definitely pay attention. But I want to put the reminder, you do not say, oh, you're doing this or that or the other. You're feeling sorry for yourself. You're having relapse warning signs. Don't do that. I would not do that. You guys know I would not teach you to do that. That's not the way to go about it. If you have a loved one who's you see maybe is struggling and they're getting stressed out, don't say you're in relapse warning signs. That's just going to make someone upset. That's going to feel like an accusation and it would to you too. It would to anybody. Okay, so don't go about it that way. But you can say, hey, you seem really stressed about blah blah blah lately. What's going on? Like be a good listener. Be a good ear, a support person. Let them talk it through to you. Don't immediately jump to a conclusion. Don't tell them, oh my gosh, you're going to relapse. Don't tell them, you bury it to me right now. Don't even tell them any of the recovery sayings. There's, when you're in, especially if you're in 12-step recovery, there's all these sayings. Well, keep it simple, stupid, or keep coming back. And that can feel kind of patronizing when you're struggling. So. Sometimes those sayings are helpful, especially when they're said in fun or in, um, like in a traditional kind of way. But if you're saying that to someone who's struggling, sometimes it just feels like, really giving me like a real simplistic answer to a big complicated problem. And it's just frustrating to the person. So just talk to them like a human being and listen to them and you can help them solve their own problems sometimes. Um, but you don't have to solve the problem for them. Even in what I do, I feel like most people already know how to solve the problems they have. They're just usually working up the courage to do it. So when someone comes to me with a big problem, and then I fall into it too sometimes, is I'll say, well, you could do this or you could do that. And then I start getting a lot of, yeah, but, yeah, but, but, and then I know either person isn't ready to make a decision on that, or they already know what they're going to do. They already know what they need to do. And I'm just over here guessing. And it's their issue. They've thought about it from every single angle and they know what needs to be done. Sometimes they're just working up the courage to do it. So if you see these relapse warning signs in someone else, be a good listener. Just treat someone like a human being, like help them process it and maybe bring some of the stress down. And you can ask if you have a good enough relationship, is this a trigger for you? You could ask something like that, but don't. Point out to someone and say, I think this is a relapse warning. Can you just think about it? This is not going to go over well. So those are some signs to look for in a not great way. If this is you having the signs, then you need to reconnect to whatever it is that helps you with your recovery. Talk through things out loud with someone. Like, for example, if you're really craving a lot, That happens. It's normal. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you. Maybe, who knows what happened? Maybe it's an emotional trigger. Maybe it's an external trigger that reminded you, whatever. And you're keeping that a secret. Now we got 2 layered on top. We're not in good territory. But one of the best things you can do for yourself is just tell someone. We call it telling on your disease. It's like turning the light on a big scary monster in the closet and you're like, you're not so scary now. I done told on you. I told my sponsor, my friend, my cousin, whoever. And it almost like takes some of the urge away because when you're saying it out loud, it's, you're, you're making a decision right then when you say it out loud that you don't want to do it because when you're keeping it secret, you're still not sure if you're going to do it. You're like keeping the door open for it, which keeps that craving longer because you're not telling anybody because you don't want the accountability. You don't want them watching you close. So, you know, you're keeping it a secret because You might want to act on that and you don't want to close any doors that could be open to you. Problem is when you're leaving those doors open, it just makes the craving and the desire stay longer because now you're just resisting it, resisting, resisting it because it's an option in your mind. So take that option away if you can, and it'll be a whole lot easier. Then you'll stop obsessing about it and thinking about it. Gosh, that frees up a lot of mental energy. Um, before we go on to our 4 really good signs that indicate someone's in a good place, I want to remind or tell you, because I haven't told you guys this before, but I'm on October the 20th, 20th through the 24th. That's like a Monday through a Friday. I'm going to be doing a 5-day live coaching challenge. I've never done this before. It's a totally new program that I've designed for you. It is specifically for people who have Functional alcoholic partners who are in denial. What we're— it's going to be called Motivation Unlocked. And I'm going to walk you through the process of finding your loved one's motivators, identifying the values, identifying the things about what they're doing that they don't like. You guys hear me say all the time to do these things. And I realize that sometimes it might just be hard to figure that out on your own. So I'm going to walk you through that whole process. If you're interested in that, it's a live event, so you kind of have to have a ticket. You have to have a seat. Live as in like live, like this video is live right now, but not live as in like you have to be sitting in my office. But you do need to have a ticket to be able to come. So you can do it virtually, but it's like you have to be there at the time of the thing. I've put the link in the description if that sounds like you, or if that sounds like somebody you know has that issue, feel free to share it with them. Let's move on to our good signs, signs that things are going in the right way. This is 4 signs someone's in recovery. We got to go back to sort of the main thing that you can count on and you know about addiction. And that is when someone is in addiction, their thinking is obsessive about the substance, the behavior, whatever it is. Now you can't see that directly on the outside because they're not necessarily going to tell you that. But what you can see is the absence of thinking about other things because it takes up so much of your mental energy. So when someone is not in addictive thinking, they start thinking about regular things, things they like, things they're interested in, things they want to do. So I can see how well someone's doing just by what they're thinking about lately. What's at the top of their mind when they're coming in and they're— this thing's at the top of their mind, this project or that, or their career or their kids or their whatever. That to me, those are the signs that I look for to know whether someone's doing good or not. So I don't necessarily have to always rely on exactly what someone's telling me. There's just a difference in the way people think and feel when they're in their addiction. in the way people think and feel when they're not in their addiction. Sometimes, well, you guys know that I work with Kim and Campbell and they're the family coaches. And sometimes they'll, we'll be in treatment team or something, we'll be at lunch on treatment team about families that we're seeing. And one of them will say, well, so-and-so thinks that your person may have relapsed. I'm like, I don't think so because, and then I'm able, because I can just tell by the state of mind that they're in, not It's not just whether they told me they were or they weren't. They're just signs and clues. That happened just this past week. A client that I have who's been sober for years was having this certain health issue happen, and that health issue could be connected to active addiction, but in this case it wasn't. But there was like back and forth about, well, could it mean that they've relapsed? Could it mean this or that? And I'm like, no, because You know, this is the things on their mind. You know, they're like obsessing about this or thinking about that, whether it's your hobbies, their interests, their school, their career, their family. They're just thinking about regular life stuff. And when you have addiction, there's no room for that. You can sometimes when you're functional engage in regular life stuff, but you're just going through the motions and you're not really thinking about it. So you're not bringing it necessarily to the people around you in a way that you can tell like it's really on their mind. So that's the first and probably biggest and most important thing that I look for. The second thing is a person is able to connect, emotionally connect to other people. You guys have probably heard me say, and other people in the field say, connection is the opposite of addiction. So when someone is being able to connect to other people, that's a really good sign. That you're doing something right. And the reason is kind of biological in nature, because when you're in addiction, not only are you thinking and obsessing about the addiction all the time, but your emotional part of your brain, your limbic brain, is like on fire all the time. So I like to think of it almost like wavelengths, like, like, um, like if you see like sound waves or frequency waves like that, like it's just going crazy if you saw it on a graph or something. And in order to be able to connect to another person, you have to be limbically, like emotionally, like calm enough to be present with someone else, right? You got to be like, you know, your wavelength's got to be in the steady zone in order to be present and really connected to other people around you. So when I can tell when people are talking to me about the people in their life and what they're thinking about those people and how they're feeling about the situation and that they're connected to this other person, like they're aware of what's going on with them, they're in the moment. That for me is a sign that someone is doing well. And to be honest with you, I would trust these signs right here that I'm telling you more than I would trust a drug screen. And I know that might sound crazy, but there's ways to cheat a drug screen. There's ways to get a false negative on a drug screen. But these signs and symptoms, like when you know somebody really well, You can kind of see when they're in their addicted thinking and when they're not. You just can. And it's pretty reliable. The next one that I look for, that I want you to look for, is creativity. Again, it goes back to when someone's not in their addicted thinking, there's room for other kinds of things. And humans are the only animal— the thing that makes us special, we're the only animal on the planet that that can create. You know, other animals can think, but they can't create like we can create. And when I say that, I don't necessarily just mean like in a traditional sense, like you paint or draw. I mean in that sense if that's what you do, but it doesn't have to be. I just mean creative. Maybe you're crafty, maybe you do music, maybe you're starting a side hustle that requires creativity. Your ability to Maybe you garden. That's creativity. All of these things, because it's like there's this sense of excitement and it just feels good to be in your creative state of mind. And I can tell you, when you're in your addictive state of mind, it's really hard to get into your creative state of mind because again, your brain, the, all the levels of your brain have to be Functional enough. Like you got to be out of that fight or flight level, and when you're in addiction, you're sort of like always in that fight or flight level to some degree. And so you got to be calm enough to be have your creative juices. The other one, the fourth one that I look for is whether or not someone cares about what I call contribution. Contribution is a big. Part of recovery, and they people naturally feel good when they are contributing to something or someone else of themselves. Now I don't mean that you have to be like volunteering at the food bank. You could be, and that would count. But you see it in small ways too. Contribution like being a good father or mother or sister, or being involved in something contributing in some way. to some cause or person or situation other than yourself. Because that's the thing about addiction is it pulls us into our most selfish state. It's not that only selfish people get addicted. It's that if you are addicted, it pulls you into a selfish state no matter who you are. You don't have to be a selfish person because you're in that fight or flight zone. You're in that obsessed, emotionally dysregulated zone, and you just, you don't have the biological ability to have these other things going on. So it's connection, creativity, contribution. You just don't have the wherewithal to do that. Now, some of you might be thinking, well, Amber, what if my alcoholic spouse lists this video right now and you're telling them the secrets? You can't really Fake this. I mean, you can for like, you could probably fake it for, you know, some kind of like superficial conversation with someone that doesn't know you well. But when you know someone well, you can tell, you know, where they're thinking at. And a lot of you that are family members, you can tell when your loved one is in whatever state of mind after you've seen them in both states. You know which one you're dealing with, like 2 different people. And the person who has addiction, they'll tell you it feels like 2 different people. Yeah. like 2 different versions of themselves. And it is that way. So you can tell by how someone's thinking. You don't necessarily have to constantly question someone or question yourself. And I have a lot of clients who are doing really well and they question themselves about the recovery, which I think is great because I think it's good to be that self-aware and that self-reflective. But like, I have a client that I see who's been sober for more than a year now, and they're like, should I be doing something else? Like every time we're talking, like, what should I be doing? What's my homework? I'm like, dude, you're good. And they're like, how do you know? Because I'm listening to you talk and I can hear all of these things that I'm telling you guys right now. And they'll say, well, do you think I need to go to more meetings? Do you think I need to do this? Do you think I need to do that? I'm like, well, if you think you need to, if you get something out of it, I think you need to. But But these are the signs that someone's in a good state of mind. And we talked about also the signs that someone's in not good state. And when you see those signs, those relapse warning signs, it doesn't even mean someone is consciously planning to relapse at that moment, but it is a good indicator that they're emotionally vulnerable to it. So when you're in that vulnerable state, if you get yourself in the wrong situation and you have the right trigger and the right opportunity, like your partner goes out of town for a work thing for the weekend, you're in bad shape. So be on the lookout. Another thing that I look for, and this isn't necessarily that someone is or isn't in recovery, this is more like, this is something that I look for to see if someone is serious about getting sober, is willingness. It's willingness to take hard steps. And it doesn't have to be a specific hard step. Like it doesn't have to be, okay, someone's willing to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, but it's someone's willing to take some kind of step, right? That maybe they've previously been not willing. Like, for example, you guys hear me talk about Soberlink all the time because you guys know I'm a huge Soberlink fan. And I am like the, I'm probably the biggest Soberlink fan. I know it's kind of dumb. Like, how can you be a big fan of like a breathalyzer? But I've seen this thing help so many people. Soberlink is definitely more than a breathalyzer. It's a system. And the reason I say when someone's willing to do something like that, if you're willing to hold yourself accountable to your sobriety through some kind of system like Soberlink or drug testing or something else, That's a serious sign. Like that's saying, I mean it, because you're not going to agree or sign yourself up for something like that when you're just saying, yes, I'm going to do it. But deep down inside you're thinking, no, I'm not going to do it. Or I'm not sure I'm going to do it. Making a decision like that is a good sign. Like making a decision to get help, making a decision to go to meeting, making a decision to be on a Soberlink. For those of you who don't know what Soberlink is, it is an alcohol monitoring System. It's a breathalyzer, but it's more than that because what happens is it uses a lot of technology. Like, for example, it has facial recognition in it. You can't really cheat it. Like, you can't have someone else take your test for you or anything like that. It's the— it's the— I want to say— I can't think of the right word. I want to say most strictest. It's the one that you can't cheat. There are others out there, but this one is like the most locked down. In fact, it is like Admissible in court level. Okay. And a lot of people use it for legal reasons like custody or like they got in some kind of trouble, like a DUI or something. They're trying to prove they've been sober. You can use it in court. That's how it's reliable. But the reason why it's such a good system is because the person agrees to a schedule of taking a test. And you're not relying on someone else to have to ask you to take a test because that doesn't go over very well. Like if you could say to your parent or to your spouse, hey, I want you to test me if you think I'm, you know, being sketchy or whatever. But that leads to a lot of problems because then if your loved one asks you to take a test, then it feels like an accusation. And to be honest, it probably is if you've set the system up that way. And that's just going to lead to a big old And it puts your loved one in a position to have to be like the probation officer. And that's not fair to them because it ends up backfiring on them. It just doesn't work very well. Soberlink just handles it. It's a system. I want to say like the old infomercial, set it and forget it. Like it runs itself, doesn't rely on humans to have to implement it, remember it, all those things. It just handles it. If you want to learn more about Soberlink, you can go to soberlink.com/amber. And I like show you the device, the behind the scenes, like how it works, all the things. Take a look at that if you're interested in that for that and yourself or someone. All right, I don't have Bree today. She's— so that means I'm my own moderator. We're about to the point we're going to take some questions and some comments, so go ahead and get them in the chat if you're watching live. If you're watching the replay, put them in the comments below. I can't always answer every question, but I read all of your comments and questions. Um, so please put it down there. Just let me know your opinion. Weigh in. Like, have you experienced this on either side for yourself or for a loved one? Would you add anything to this list? Because this is not an exhaustive list. This is just my top 4 list on both sides of it. All right, let's see who's here. Let's take some questions and some comments. All right. Hey Anthony, I haven't seen you in a while. Anthony is one of like the original OG Put the Shovel Down followers. I feel like you've been there since the beginning almost, Anthony. Glad you're here. Um, hey Kaylin from Michigan and Michelle from New Jersey and Heather from Connecticut, Cheryl from Ohio. Thank you for the nice comment, Melissa. He shy, says. All right, we got comment or question here. Put up a second. Let's put on screen for you. My husband found a tracker in the car that wasn't even meant to track him and he went insane. Why do alcoholics go crazy when they think they're being tracked? Our whole family has trackers in cars. And I think that's all. Um, I, well, what was it if it wasn't, if it wasn't a tracker, what was it? Because on one hand you're saying it's not meant to track him, but on the other hand you're saying we all have trackers in the car. So I'm a little bit confused. Um, I mean, if you, I think if most any of us found a tracker on, I don't think it's just alcoholics. I think if most of us found a tracker on our vehicle that we weren't aware of, We'd be upset about it. So I don't, I don't know that it necessarily means that this person is being sketchy. It could, but I wouldn't count it as like a surefire sign. I'd have to know their personality. I just have to know a lot more details about it to say that. But even if they're not being sketchy, like let's say your loved one is being sober and they have been sober, but they find a tracker, it's going to trigger them because they're going to be like, what, you don't believe me? Now you're trying to control me or whatever. And she's going to start an argument. So I wish I knew all the details of that. I could probably give you some better feedback, but I guess what I would say is it could be an alcoholic symptom, but not always or necessarily. That can go either way. Hey, Dale from Virginia. I like volcanoes says, I'm constantly thinking of drinking, trying to distract myself from it, or counting down the days to when I may have been sober long enough In terms of social acceptance to get drunk again. Well, first thing is I am glad that you're insightful into that. Like you're being really honest with yourself about what's going on and you're saying it out loud. Like I'm definitely counting it. The fact that you're watching this video and you're putting it in chat says to me that you're trying to make that craving go away. So I feel like that's And I'm very impressed with you because you're not watching this video if you don't want that craving to go away. You're not watching this video if you want it to get ahold of you. You're trying to figure out how to make it go away. I have some other videos where I talk about this more in depth that'll probably be really helpful for you. But if you've— I don't know how long you've been sober because it didn't say, but it says you're constantly thinking about it. It either means that you're just really new in the process. Like when you're newly sober, you have a lot more cravings and that tends to get better. But if you've been sober for a while and then all of a sudden now you're thinking about it a lot more, then I would look inside and say, is there something emotionally triggering me? But my guess is it's probably, and I can kind of tell this actually a little bit in your statement that you wrote, is that you feel like you're missing out. So in your mind, you feel like life without it isn't as fun, or other people are having stuff, or you miss it, or it was doing something for you. So you still see it as something great, like going through a breakup and then you miss that person, right? That's what's going on with you. Once you get to the point, when you get to the point that you feel so much better and your life is better and you're like, So you get to this point, you're like so glad that's not you anymore. The cravings just go away. But if you are reinforcing to yourself, like if you're viewing it as I'm on restriction, which it kind of sounds like it, because you're like, you're saying in your comment, like, I'm just basically on good behavior until it's socially acceptable enough. That's why, because you're waiting until when, and that's keeping the craving alive. Whereas if you can sort of shift your thinking on that a little bit, your cravings might go. There's more to it, but there's some videos on here. But I am impressed that you're insightful. You know what's going on and you're doing something about it. Hey, Deborah. Hey, Toon says, hey from Mississippi. Hey to you. Says, absolutely true. What I see from somebody struggling Karma is that they look for any excuse on something that upsets them and a reason to drink or whatever the addiction is. Yes. People in active addiction for sure, or maybe even relapse warning signs will start a fight. I've got videos on this. It's in one of my manipulation series videos, but starting a fight in order to feel justified to walk out of the house and go do what you're going to do is a big one. And they will. And if you've ever been on— raise your hand if you've ever been on the other side of this. I have been on the other side of this plenty of times. Like, sometimes I'll have a client come in and I've had this good relationship with this person and we're just like weeks or months or years or something. And then all of a sudden they're just coming in and it feels like they're trying to fight with me. It's like, what the heck? You can feel it coming on. And then I know, I'm like, oh, we are in relapse warning signs. They've either already used or they're about to. So Yes, you can definitely see that behavior. That's a good one to add to the list, like argumentative or like they're trying to fight all the time. Hey, Anant. Anant. Anant. I don't know if I'm saying that right. From India. Hey, glad you're here. That's far away. Erica's got a question. She says, hello, Amber. Is going missing for 3 days a sign of relapse, plus lying about where he was? Signs the addict, since the addict won't talk to me. Oh yeah. I don't even know if I'd call that a sign, Erica. I might call that evidence, like going MIA, like missing in action, like just dropped off the map, not answering the phone, just being gone for days at a time. Yeah, that's definitely a sign of addictive behavior. In fact, it's a sign of specific addictive behavior. I guess you, you could go MIA with any addiction, but you specifically see the whole go MIA thing when someone's addicted to some sort of stimulant like cocaine or crack or methamphetamine or something like that. It's like they go off for these binges, like they literally go away and you can't get ahold of them. They stop answering the phone, stuff like that. So yeah, I would say that's more than a symptom. Nicole says, I have been dealing with this lately. Cindy says, can someone with trauma be in fight or flight mode even when sober? That's a really great question. And the answer to that is yes, you can be in fight or flight mode just as a human being. I mean, we're all getting into fight or flight mode. We're all sort of fluctuating at any given point. I mean, I'm live on YouTube and Facebook with you guys right now, so I'm at some level of like adrenaline, right? So anybody can be in fight or flight mode, but, and specifically someone with trauma. But when someone, if someone has trauma and that like, you know them well or yourself and you have like a baseline level of it, like maybe if here's like normal, someone with trauma might be here. But if all of a sudden they're here, like they're way above their baseline. Then I would say that would be more in the relapse warning sign zone. And even if someone's in trauma and they're way up, but then it comes back down, what I'm talking about is like, it's like up and it stays up for hours, days. We're building up to it. Good question. Hey, Deanne, thank you too. Says, is there anything like Soberlink for prescription You know what? There was this company that I worked with for a while called Clearly that did, which was kind of like Soberlink for drugs. And I was the hugest fan, just like I am with Soberlink, but they went out of business. I wish someone else would start that. But there are, the reason I liked it so much is because it was convenient. Like you could do it at home. There are systems for that, for substances, but you usually have to like go to a lab. Like you can, they call it recovery monitoring. If you want to look it up, there's different systems for it. I just liked Clearly because it was like the most convenient one, but my guess is there's going to be a new version of that coming. Um, Brian says it ain't gonna work. I'm not sure who— what— I don't— you're talking to someone. It could be me, but I'm not even sure. Hey, Noreen. Uh, Stacy says, is my lack of connection to my alcoholic person keeping him in addiction. I have had to start taking care of my emotional health. Let me think about that for a second. Let me think how I want to answer that, Stacy. That's a good question. My guess is your lack of connection to your addicted loved one is a symptom of their being in addiction because it's really hard to connect to someone in that state. So I don't necessarily say that you're keeping him in that state, but maybe his being in that state is keeping you in your state. Maybe it's bouncing back and forth, but you have to take care of your own emotional needs. And getting a little distance is sometimes what you have to do because to keep yourself regulated, because if you don't, you're dysregulated and then you're not connecting in a good way anyway. You're mad, you're angry, you're resentful, you're Being snarky or passive-aggressive or something like that, and that definitely won't help. So you have to take care of you. So don't blame yourself for that, or don't say I'm making this person worse unless you're doing it like literally as a punishment. I have seen people do that, like love withdraws as a punishment. That's not— Dale says, I have been separated from my addicted loved one to protect my children and happiness. I'm living in a different room while we process the divorce. I still want to support her getting sober, but she is blaming me. I get this question a lot, Dale. Like, how do I support a spouse that I'm divorcing to get sober? And I don't have a good answer for you, Dale, because if you're supporting, if you're divorcing someone with an addiction and they don't want the divorce, they're going to be mad at you. So you don't have the right kind of influence in the way that I talk about building credibility and influence. Dale, I know you've been around a while, so you've heard me talk about this, but like your credit score, emotional credit score is really low. You're going to be in the doghouse. And I'm not saying that that's your fault or that you should change your mind. I'm just saying that there's not a lot you can do to have a lot of influence over this person other than they're so mad at you. Like sometimes they'll just, Do things to get at you. You know, they'll just drink more or they'll, you know, use more or whatever just to sort of punish you or get back at you or something like that. So I wish I could say there's something you can do, but at the point that you're having to separate, I mean, you can still be kind to them. You can still have empathy for them. You don't have to make things harder for them. But as far as like reaching them emotionally, um, you know, it's just going to be really hard to do. But you have to do what you have to do. I'm not telling you you should change your mind. I don't know your situation. So I'm just telling you, like, you can't really— it's hard to be the villain and the good guy all at the same time. When someone has been on meth for 12 years and refuses to admit it's a problem or the need to get help, what's the odds of changing? The odds of changing in the near future are probably kind of low, but in the long run, I don't know that their odds of changing are any less because everyone, everyone I've ever treated or dealt with at some point has, has been in the, I'm not going to admit it's a problem. And a lot of times it's even more than that. It's like a Like an identity. Like they like it. Like they brag about it. Like even in situations like that, I don't necessarily think it means that someone's not going to get sober. The key here is admit this word admit, because a lot of times people know it's a problem, but they won't admit it out loud to you, but they know it inside. And so usually the last thing that happens before someone gets sober is admitting it out loud. They don't admit it because They don't want to be held to it. Like when they're unsure and they're inside their heart, they're sort of like ambivalent about it or going back and forth about it. They may know it, but they may not tell it to you. So I don't know that that means that someone's not ever going to get sober. Everyone goes through that off and on for people. So it means, it might mean that they're not on that track right at this moment, but tomorrow could be a different situation. Question. Hey, Nicole. Let's see. Question from Stacy. Stacy says, how do you deal with an 83-year-old elderly parent's excuse for 45-year-old brother, alcohol, cocaine, and henna, who lives with parents, doesn't pay rent or work. They are unwilling to set boundaries, learn skills, et cetera. This is a really good question. I'm glad you asked this because what you're saying is, how do I deal with a family member who doesn't get the addiction and they're enabling the addicted person? And this happens a lot. Stacy, I'm not sure if you follow this channel a lot, but if you don't, there are a lot of videos on here where I talk about how to get through to someone who has an addiction. And guess what? Those same things and strategies work on getting through to the family member. In fact, if you are in a situation like this, if you're listening, you're in a situation where like, you know, a loved one has an addiction, but there's somebody else, a family, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a cousin, somebody else who doesn't want to believe it or refuses to address it. And you feel like they're enabling. You don't want to try to start getting through to the addicted person because you're not going to get through as long as that other person's being the enabler. Like they're like the, The lifeline, you got to get through to the family member. So in your case, it would be parents. But if you, just like with an addict or an alcoholic, if you come at them directly and you're trying to push them to be different, you're going to get resistance. In fact, you're going to slow down the process of them figuring it out. So take a look at those videos and the strategies that I teach. You can apply those to anyone who needs to make a change. Whether they're just in a bad relationship or whatever, those strategies and things that I teach, they just, they work to help someone come to terms with changes they need to make. So take a look at those and you're right to be thinking about how do I get through to them? Because you can't, the brother's not going to get better as long as they're still doing that. You're right. So you do need a plan. Jackie says, one year into sobriety, Is NA beer a concern in a social setting? Otherwise seems like all is going well. You know how you're saying right here, otherwise all seems going well. That's the key. What you're telling me when you're— when I, what I'm hearing when I read that statement is, is that all these things we just talked about, like the good things are in check. I have a lot of clients who drink non-alcoholic beer and they say it's totally helpful. And I can understand that. And I have other clients that say it just triggers them and makes them want to crave. But if your person's been a year sober, they know what's helpful and what's not helpful. So I think it's probably fine. I wouldn't be concerned about it because you're not seeing any of these other symptoms. The key here is when you start seeing symptoms pile up, you can see one thing or another thing come and go, but when you see them start to stack on top of each other and stick around, that's when you get nervous. But non-alcoholic beer, I don't think is I don't think it's an issue in this situation. Nicole says, dealing with that right now. My friend was determined to stop and he did, but not enough plan. Now acting in old ways. I hope he can come back. I don't know your situation, Nicole, but if I was talking with you, my question would be, how long did the person stop? If the person was stopped for a significant period of time, like more than a few weeks, that's a good thing because they're getting a taste of what sober life is like. And if they do go back, they'll have a clear viewpoint and understanding about what it's like on this side of the street or this side of the street. If they're not sober very long, they're just sober like a few days or a week or two, it's not the greatest because they've got a viewpoint about what it's like to be sober, But only they're still in the withdrawal period in those first weeks. And so life feels crappier. So there'll be more details I'd want to know. But yes, even if they go back, you got to remember, Nicole, like getting over an addiction, it's a lot of trial and error. No one figures it out on the first try. So it doesn't mean that they're not trying. It doesn't mean that they won't get it. It is a learning process. Let's see. Noreen says, absence for years, zero recovery, passive-aggressive, emotionally and financially abusive, denial, delusion, gaslighting, and interferes and controls with my ability. So it sounds like you're saying they're sober, but they still act like their old self, like they're not dealing with things. So emotionally, they're still unhealthy. That's a tough place to be for that person and for you. Cindy says, any recommendations for mental health treatment places that do substance use disorder too? Most places do substance use disorder, but if they don't help with mental health, it relapses. Not all places that do mental health, do substance abuse. But most places that do substance abuse also do mental health. For sure, at bare minimum, they do depression, anxiety, ADD, because you just don't see someone with a major addiction that doesn't have any of those symptoms going on. So not all mental health people will touch substance, but substance abuse people, if they're dealing with that for a long time, It just comes together. So usually substance abuse treatment programs can and will address that. But if it's severe mental illness, severe PTSD or big time mood disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia or something like that, then you might need an even more specialized program for that, more than just the standard depression, anxiety kind of thing. You may want to look for someone specifically. Now, I will tell you that most treatment centers will say that they do that on their website. So you have to kind of like dig a little deeper to say, okay, but do you really? Especially if it's like a major, like big time something else that's not in that realm of where it's standard. Billy says, my daughter has me about to go crazy right now. Sue says, my loved one is in denial. They have an addiction and behaviors. He is high functioning. However, that is in decline for the past 3 years. So what I hear you saying, Sue, is they're functioning right now, but less and less and less. So they're moving from what I call stage 3 into stage 4. And that's what happens. If you don't address it, it just gets worse. I'm sorry to hear that. I don't know if the problem is alcohol or not, but You might be a good candidate for the challenge that we're doing in October because we're going to— it's specifically for dealing with someone who's in that functional state, who's in denial, because there's some specific things that go around that. Like if someone's still working and earning money, if someone's still going to school, if someone's still taking care of their kids and showing up to teacher meetings, it's just hard. It's hard to get through to them and make them convince them that they have a substance abuse problem because they're like, what are you talking about? I make all kinds of money or whatever, you know, like I run marathons or, you know, so you, you, you have to go about it strategically. We're going to be talking about that in the challenge. So, um, if that's the case for you, so check that out. The link's in the description. It might be the, the perfect thing for you. Billy says, my daughter's in trouble with the law now and They are requiring her to go through detox. I keep explaining the last thing she wants to do is go through detox in jail. I don't think she understands. Okay, let me read that again. My daughter's in trouble with the law. Okay. And they're requiring— so I'm guessing what you're saying is they're going to— they're— when you say they're requiring her to go through detox, I'm assuming you're saying like they're making her go to like a treatment facility. And she's unhappy about it. And you keep saying, hey, you'd rather go to the treatment center than to detox yourself in jail, which I agree with. But I don't think she understands. If someone's in their really addictive state of mind, they just, they're just not rational. They don't see things the way you see things. Their brain isn't operating the way you see it. And so it's really hard because it's like, clearly this is the better logical decision, but they're not in their logical brain. They're in their— emotional fight or flight part of their brain. So I'm not overly surprised about it. Let's see here. Rosa says, my son is 21 and is dealing with alcohol misuse recently. A traumatic experience in his teens has been exposed to, so it makes it more sense why he's trying to hurt himself this way. Therapy or your course? Okay. So Rosa, I don't— I need— I would need to know more about this to give you like a really solid answer. So I'll just do the best I can here. It just depends on that trauma because a lot of times people, and I have a video on this, but a lot of times people will hide behind those kinds of things as a way to not deal with their addiction. And that doesn't mean that they're lying or that it's not true or something. What I'm saying is that they'll use that as a reason why they can't address, it's the only thing that helps my anxiety, or the people around them feel really bad for them because of what they've been through, which is understandable. But you got to be careful about this. I don't know if that's going on here. And I don't, even though they went through a traumatic experience, I don't know if they have PTSD, how severe it is and that kind of thing. Sometimes you almost have to get sober for a little bit to even tell what's left and what's not. But you can definitely do both at the same time. I just need a lot more details to really give you a better answer than that. I know that's vague. I wish I could do better, but There's I'm sure there's a lot to this story. Okay, Kathy says I'm trying to purchase the general admission tickets to the challenge, but it's not working for me. Hmm. I will go in. Maybe I've got a link broken or something like that, Kathy. So I'll go in after this and, and see if I can fix it. Now I'll go and see if there's an issue, but you can— but if you're still having trouble with it and doesn't seem to work after, like, give me 30 minutes to go in there and see what's going on. It's still not working for you. Email appointments@hffrc.com. Again, that's appointments@hffrc.com. That's Hope for Families Recovery Center. And let me know what's happening and I'll figure it out and we'll, we'll get you fixed up. Okay. All right, everybody, we are out of time. I have enjoyed this. You guys have asked good questions. I'm so glad you're here. The link to the challenge is in the description. Sober link is in the description. And if you're watching on the replay and you want to be on the live video, we're live every Thursday at 1. So we'd love to catch you here live to join our conversation. Uh, and we release videos every Tuesday. There's one coming out this Tuesday, um, which is gonna be really good. It's a recovery story. Um, a different kind of recovery story, not one that, not a kind that we normally cover. So definitely check it out. I think you're really gonna like it, and I'll see you guys soon. Bye everybody.