Remorse is NOT the Same As Readiness

Have you ever had someone apologize after drinking, using, lying, stealing, disappearing, embarrassing you, or just breaking trust? And then they seem completely sincere when it happens. Maybe they cried. Maybe they said they swore they'd never do it again. And the moment you believe them, because It— because it looked like they believed it themselves. And then a few days later, or a few weeks later, or maybe a few months later, it happened again. And you're the family member, you're left thinking, why are they lying to me? Was that apology fake? Did they just say that because that's what I wanted to hear? Do they even care? But if you're the person struggling with an addiction, that was you doing the promising, you may be Thinking something different. You're probably thinking something like, I really did mean it. I really was sorry. I really did hate myself for what happened. I really did believe I wouldn't do it again. So today we're talking about a really important distinction. Someone can be genuinely sorry and still not be ready for change. Remorse is real, but remorse is not the same thing as readiness. And when addiction is involved, this is one of the most confusing parts for pretty much everybody involved because families often think that there are only 2 options. And either they're sorry, so change can happen, or they did it again, so that meant the apology must have been fake. But addiction creates a 3rd possibility. And that 3rd possibility is they mean it when they said it, But they were believing something addiction was telling them, something like, this time will be different. I can control it next time. I won't take it that far again. I learned my lesson. I scared myself enough this time. I'll just avoid that one situation. I'll just have a couple. I won't use around those certain people. I won't lie about it again. I won't take Money anymore. I won't embarrass everyone again. And in that moment, after the consequence happens, they feel— it feels completely true because that version of themselves is sitting in the aftermath of that situation. They're sitting in shame, sitting in the damage, the wreckage that's been caused. They look at your face. They see there's a feeling of panic and possibly They're scared of losing something. They're feeling embarrassed. They're feeling scared, disgusted with themselves. And from that emotional state, it is very easy to say, never again. The problem is that the promise is made by the part of them that's feeling that consequence in the moment, but the next decisions will be made by the part of them that is feeling the urge. And that's a really different part of yourself. The apology comes from the part that feels the consequence and the relapse usually comes from the part that still believes something along the lines of, this time I can control it. Or that's why I'm sorry. I can't— that's why I'm sorry can be completely sincere and still not be enough because sorry looks backwards and readiness looks forward. Sorry says, I hate that that happened. And readiness says, I understand what it takes to keep this up, and I am willing to do something different before it happens again. That's the difference. If you're the family member, I want you to hear this like really clearly and carefully. I'm not saying that you should ignore the apology. I'm not saying the apology is meaningless. I'm not saying the other person doesn't care. Sometimes they do care. Most of the time they do care. Sometimes they really are devastated. They're ashamed. They're genuinely scared of what they did. But you— but what you cannot do is confuse the intensity of their remorse with the depth of their readiness, because they're just not the same thing. A person can cry and still not have a plan. A person can feel terrible and still not understand their own triggers. A person can promise to change and still believe they can manage their addiction on their own. They can hate what they did and still not be willing to give up the thing that keeps causing them to fall back. A person, they can mean every single word. They can mean that apology, but that still doesn't mean they're ready to change. Recovery actually requires something else. That's the part that families miss. Families often listen for sincerity, but with addiction, you have to listen for insight and action. Sincerity matters, but it's not enough. So instead of only asking, do you mean it? A better question might be something like finding out what they understand about what happened, more like, Processing through? Or another question is, what are they willing to do differently before the next crisis? Because if the only plan is, I promise I will never do that again, I learned my lesson, that's probably not really ready. That's hope, but hope isn't a plan. If you're the person struggling with the addiction, I want to talk to you specifically for just a second here. Because I know you feel really awful. And nobody believes you anymore. And I know you feel like every apology gets thrown back in your face. And you may feel like, what do I— what do they even want me to say? I already said I was sorry. And part of you may even feel angry because you did mean it. You did hate what happened and you did want things to be different. But there's a hard truth here. People who love you are not just reacting to this one apology. They're reacting to the pattern. They're remembering all the other times that you meant it. They are remembering all the other promises. They're remembering all the other never-agains. They're remembering the times when they got hopeful and then they got hurt again. And when they do not immediately relax, Because you apologized, that doesn't necessarily mean they're cold. It may mean, or more likely means, that they're protecting themselves from believing another promise that has no, like, structure or plan underneath it. And if you want them to trust you again, the goal is not to convince them that you mean it. The goal is to show them that you understand why meaning it has not been enough in the past. That is so much more powerful. It just, it's like, instead of saying, I swear I won't do it again, it's about trying to get honest with yourself first and ask, what keeps happening before the bad thing happens? What do I tell myself right before I cross that line? I like to call him Monster Mouse, or it's like a committee of Monster Mouse. It's like, what do I do when I start negotiating with myself? Because these are the warning signs that you're ignoring. What situations do you keep putting yourself in? Why am I able to control it in some situations and not in others? What helpful thing am I avoiding doing because I think I can handle it myself? Those are readiness questions because addiction, it doesn't usually show up and announce itself. In fact, the longer you're sober, the more sophisticated it gets. It'll say things like, you've been good, you deserve this, it's not that big of a deal, you can stop after one, you can borrow the money and replace it later, you can hide it just this once, you can handle it, you learned your lesson, this time will be different. That is the lie. It's the thinking process that keeps the whole cycle going. Not always the lie you tell your family. This is the lie you tell yourself. And what is it? What's the why in addiction? People believe their own promises. They're not always sitting there thinking, I'm trying to manipulate everyone and I'm just going to do it again. In fact, they're hardly ever thinking that. They're usually thinking, I really have this now. I really mean it. But they really don't have it. They just have the remorse and the remorse without a plan fades. The shame, when that shame fades away and And those consequences go, the urgency fades, and the memory of the bad thing that happened, the consequence, it just softens. And so they start making the case again. The family member cannot make sense of the whole safety around your apology. And that's why the person struggling built their whole recovery around feeling bad. Feeling bad is not treatment. Feeling bad isn't a recovery plan. It's not accountability. It's not even readiness, but it does open a door. So feeling bad opens a door. It just doesn't walk you through it. So what does readiness look like? Let's talk about what it sounds like if you hear it. Readiness sounds like, I don't trust myself in that situation yet, or I need help before the next crisis comes, not after it, or I keep telling myself I can control it, but I can't. And that thinking, I know that that's part of the problem. I need to stop putting myself around it. I need to be honest earlier. I need to tell someone when I start to negotiate with myself. I need to be able to catch it, first of all, myself, and then tell someone. I need a plan for those exact moments where I usually give in. And you got to be willing to be uncomfortable to change this. So you got to be thinking, I'm willing to do something different. Even if I don't feel like it. That sounds different than I'm sorry. It's not a promise. It's not a swear. It's not, I learned my lesson. I'm not going to do it again. Those words aren't bad. An apology matters, but taking responsibility matters more. The remorse matters, but if it stops there, the family's going to end up in the same painful cycle. Apology, hope, Temporary relief. Same pattern, same consequence, another apology. And after a while, everyone is exhausted. The family becomes suspicious of every apology. In fact, it can even make them angry sometimes when they hear you apologize. They struggle with feeling like nothing they say counts anymore, and the addiction keeps running the loop. So here's the shift I want both sides to make. If you're a family member, stop asking, are they sorry? Ask, do you understand the pattern? Do they understand how addiction convinces them? How does it talk them back into that old behavior? Look for signs about, are they willing to change something before the next urge shows up? Are they willing to accept help when things feel calm, not just after a disaster? Are they willing to build structure around the moments where they usually lose control? And if you're the person struggling, stop trying to prove that you meant the apology. Instead, show that you understand the cycle. So if you say, I didn't, you know, it's not that you didn't mean it when you apologized. That meaning is just not enough. The sentence is powerful and it does help to say it, but you can say something like, I keep believing I'm able to control it next time, and that belief keeps getting me in trouble. You can say, I don't want to just apologize after the fact. I need to deal with what happens before I make the same choice again. You can say, I understand why you don't automatically trust an apology anymore. That's very different than begging them to believe you. That is readiness language. And it kind of goes back a lot of times when you make these apologies and then people don't believe you, you end up feeling you might have this thought and this might be one of those thoughts that keep you going back. So pay attention to this one. The thought is, well, if you're never going to trust me again, if you don't believe me anyway, then I might as well just keep doing it. You see, that's a rationalization. That's one of those, what I call monster mouth thoughts, right? That's your committee, your addiction committee in there. Just making every excuse for it. Right now, family members, I want you to be really careful here because this doesn't mean you should attack them with, see, you're not ready, or that will probably just create more defensiveness if you do that. The goal is to use the information in a way that helps the person to understand what they're actually looking for. And this question of what's going to be different this time, this is a question that is an important question, but you got to really like watch your tone when you say that. Because if you say it with attitude and it's— it could definitely come out that way because you're frustrated. You know, the person's apologizing, they're promising never again, blah, blah, blah. And then you're thinking, oh yeah, well, what's going to be different this time? A lot of my clients will end up back in my office because they had a relapse and their spouse wants them to come talk to me and figure out what's going to be different this time. And I think a lot of times what the family member's looking to hear is something like, okay, well, I'm going to go to meetings or I'm going to get a sponsor. But what I look for is a new insight that's gained. It's the willingness to do those things is helpful, but without the insight, they're probably going to keep falling back into the pattern because they truly don't mean to keep falling back in the pattern. Yes. When they smoked again, drank again, whatever it was, they made the choice to pick it back up, but they didn't mean for it to go bad again. And that's the convincing themselves part. If you've been sort of trained, you're trained to look for the emotion in the other person. You look for the tears, you look for the shame, you look for the big dramatic apology. And they look for a promise. They look for a person to hit some sort of emotional bottom, but emotional bottom isn't going to make you stop. That's why I don't believe in the whole hit bottom thing, right? Because most people who get over any kind of addiction issue, they hit bottom a bunch of times, multiple times. And so it's like when you're in that bottom, you have those moments of clarity, You really mean it. But if you don't put some action and insight behind it, it's like a little fire that's just going to get blown out. Because even though when you're in that moment, it's just horrible, like the temperature is turned up really high and you're so mad at yourself. Maybe you got a DUI, maybe you did something really horrible, embarrassing. Maybe you spent all of the money gambling and now you can't pay rent and you're in that freakout zone, right? And when you're in that moment, you're so upset with yourself and you're feeling the pain of that really strongly. And so you're like, you really mean it. And it's not even about promising them. What you do is you promise yourself and you mean it. You mean it when you say it. But as the hours go on and the days go on, the heat of that consequence dims a little bit. Right. And then you're right back to living your normal life with your normal triggers and your normal stressors, and the craving is back. And then somehow you manage yourself. You manage to convince yourself like, all right, just a little bit, or only on special occasions, or, well, my partner's out of town. They won't even know. So it's not going to hurt anybody. Right? What people don't know won't hurt them. That kind of thinking, which is not true, but that's a rationalization. It's a monster mouth thought. Yeah. If you really want to look for readiness in someone else, I have a list of what I call change talk examples. And as soon as we get off the video, or actually, I think I already put it in the description for you, but if I didn't, I will put it. So I think it's already in there, but I'll check for sure after. You can download that. It's totally free, but it gives you a list of things that you're listening for that indicate that someone is at least thinking about change. Now, that doesn't always mean that they're ready, but if you hear those change talk examples and you hear some of these nuggets of insight together, that is a really good combination because the change talk means someone wants to change. The insight means someone's figuring out how to make that change happen. And so you want those things to come together. So the link for that is in the description. You guys can totally download it. And of course there are Other resources I put for you in the description, because if you're in the family member position, you're on the family side of this, you're thinking, how many chances do I give them? I know they mean it. I know they're hurt, but this is affecting my life too. And you might be wondering, how many's enough? When is it time to just let go of it or to distance myself from this person? Those are really hard decisions to make. If you're struggling with that and you want to talk to one of our family counselors or something about it, You can, you can get like what we call like a strategy session or a consult session to figure out where you're at in your own like stages of change. Maybe get a guess on where your loved one is at. And so, and that'll help you decide some of these things. Like, am I, can I still stay in this a little longer? Am I being naive? Am I being manipulated? Because one of the things that family members struggle with the most. And if you're watching this and you have an addiction, I want you to hear this because this may not be something you've thought about before, but they feel guilty for staying in the relationship with you. And the reason that is, is because everyone around them, if other people know, they feel like everyone around them thinks that they're an idiot and that they're being manipulated and that they're being that girl who falls for anything or that simp who will put up with everything. And they feel like, am I just being a stupid, naive pushover? And they feel this constant guilt. And so when they have that going on, they won't let themselves trust you. No matter what you're saying, it's like they don't want to let that guard down because they're so scared of being that person and not seeing it. And that holds the family member hostage from being able to get better. And the problem with that is you just kind of got to let that go. You got to let go of what everybody else is thinking about it because that will make you crazy. Because when you're in a family member position, you feel guilty no matter what. You feel guilty for staying, you feel guilty for leaving. There's, it's just either which way, right? But you know yourself, you know your person, you know if they're having change talk or insight. So don't worry so much about what other people think. In fact, you guys have probably heard me talk about it before, but I don't encourage you to talk about it with a whole lot of other, like, close family and friends, pick one or two that kind of gets it. Because if you do, then you're going to feel that judgment, right? If something happens, your adult son does something terrible, maybe they steal money from you or whatever, and then you're talking to your bestie about it or whatever, and then they're thinking, well, you should kick him out or whatever. And then you don't kick him out. You see, you're going to be left with that uncomfortable feeling. You might even want to avoid them. You might think they're judging you and they may not be judging you. but we feel like they are because we feel like, well, am I being weak? Am I just enabling? And we just question all that. And it's a tough position to be in. So if you're the person watching with the addiction and you're frustrated with your loved one because they just keep bringing up the past, they just can't seem to get over it, and you've been doing good for a really long time, this is more than just, okay, I promised it today and I think they should believe me. Let's say you've been doing really good for 6 months. You've been really, doing good for a year even maybe, and your loved one still, it's like they still are just waiting for that shoe to drop. It's because they are. And part of that's because they won't let themselves get out of that thinking because they think it somehow sets them up for danger, for heartbreak, for being taken advantage of, for something bad to happen to you. It doesn't really prevent it though. It's kind of like this false belief that if I'm vigilant about it, it won't hurt as much if it happens, but it still will. I call it like a mind game. It's a Mind trick that doesn't really work. I always think of my example. I think of with that is it's like when you set your clock ahead in your car, because you think it's going to make you on time. Does anybody else do that? I do that. Raise your hand in the chat if you try to play that mind trick with yourself, but it never works because you know, it's exactly, you know, 4 minutes and 37 seconds fast. And so when you look at it, you just immediately like, oh, that's fast. I got more time. Right. It's a mind trick we play. We think it's going to work, but it just doesn't. If you are in a situation you need to talk about it, it doesn't matter which side you're on, with one of our specialists, schedule a strategy session if you want. If you just want to know what that change talk sounds like, download the change talk free download because it'll give you a lot of examples and you can even think of more. Once you look at those, you'll kind of get the pattern. You can even— All right. Bree is behind the scenes there. She's being our moderator. And we're about to that time where we're going to bring you guys into the conversation. We want— I want to know what you think. Do you have questions? Do you have a situation that really relates to what we're talking about today? And I would love it if we got to hear a little bit from both sides, because I think that's interesting. It's one of the things we try really hard to do on this channel is to help people understand addiction from both sides, help people understand what is going on in my loved one's thinking. Because when everybody gets on the same page, it gets so much better, so much faster. Right? Bree, do we have any questions back there? All right, here we go. I'm going to get where I can see the— Here's our first one. When they don't honor their promise of change or getting sober, are we supposed to be neutral Or voice our opinion. Why do they get mad when we detach? Thanks. Okay. So this is a couple of questions. I'm going to answer the last one first though. The why do they get mad when we detach? Because even though you're trying to be neutral and you're trying not to let on, they know that they've messed up or they know that you're mad at them, or they assume that you're mad at them. Maybe you're not, but they assume that you are. And it's like they're projecting their own shame and guilt onto you. So that's, That's why they get mad. And I see this particularly— it can happen in any circumstance, but I see this particularly with, um, people have spouses who drink, because sometimes when people drink, they just want to be more talkative and they want to connect to you more. So they're like following you around and you're like, I don't want to be around you when you're drunk. And I'm trying not to yell and scream and cause a fight because I done watched a bunch of Amber videos and she told me not to. I'm just trying not to yell at you, not to do anything. I'm just trying to go in the other room, watch my Netflix or whatever, read my book. Like Amber told me to do. But they feel that you're pulling away from them. And so they get frustrated about it. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it because it's still better than you staying in a situation that's likely to escalate into something not great. So the other part of your question was, when they don't honor their promise of change or getting sober, are we supposed to be neutral or voice our opinion? I think you can. I think it— I don't have a one-size-fits-all answer, but I'll give you some guidelines here. Maybe that'll help. If you respond in anger, although anger is a valid emotion, anger means someone's crossed our boundaries or someone's hurt us. It's a protective emotion. It's valid. But if we react outwardly like that, that's the one that's probably not going to get us anywhere. That doesn't mean you have to act like it's okay. If something happened and this person really let you down and you're sad about it, it's okay to show you're sad about it. Showing that vulnerability, that hurt, that sadness tends to get in a little bit more than the anger, right? Because when you're angry, your fight or flight is going off and that triggers their fight or flight. So even if they're remorseful, even if they Totally know they're in the wrong and totally know they deserve whatever you're saying to them, they're still going to be defensive because it's almost like a nervous system regulation thing. So avoid the anger. If you want to go super nuclear Amber style at this and you want to know what you should really do, what's really going to hit home is have empathy for them. Which I know is really hard. So this is a case where you might want to use strategic empathy. Those of you who just did our Denial Breakthrough intensive, you guys know what I'm talking about. We talked a lot about strategic empathy. It's like, maybe you don't feel it in the moment, but you can strategically, logically try to think from this person's point of view, right? If you can express empathy when they're down, when they experience the consequences, when they're upset with themselves, It actually leaves room for their own guilt to come up. And guilt is a helpful change emotion. Shame isn't. Shame is just so uncomfortable. People do anything to avoid it. So if you want to know more about that, consider signing up for our Denial Breakthrough, the next round, which will be beginning in August. All right. And the next question says, great session. Thank you. How do you respond when they say, we should take a break from each other for a while so I can heal? And he says, well, how can I prove myself if you won't let me come over? Okay. So I'm just making sure I get this straight. So the family member saying, maybe like this is a spouse or something, maybe the spouse is saying, hey, we need to take a break. Maybe you get an apartment for a while or something like that. Let yourself heal. And then from the person with the addiction's side, it's like, well, how can I prove myself if you won't come over? I think what you say is, hey, I'm not cutting you off. Maybe you still see that person. You check in with them regularly. Maybe you go on dates if this is your partner or whatever. So it's not necessarily about cutting them off, but sometimes not having that, what I call the front row seat. Is helpful to you as the family member. It's not usually that helpful to the addicted person to have that break. That doesn't mean you shouldn't take the break. I'm just telling you, don't take the break as a punishment to them thinking that's going to get their attention because it won't. So the way you handle that from a family member perspective is saying, hey, I'm not cutting you off. It's not like I'm going no contact with you. I just need a few steps of distance here. Let's see what our our next question says. What if they don't have remorse? It's been two and a half weeks since the most recent incident where he was screaming and yelling in the front yard, but walks around like nothing happened. No apology. That kind of situation is common, and it's hard to read, Kathy, because. Sometimes they're walking around like nothing happened because they, they don't care. Like, they really don't care. Sometimes they're walking around like that if it was drinking or something like that, because they don't remember, or they don't remember how bad it was. So they, they don't know. And sometimes they're not apologizing or addressing it just because they feel so shameful and they're scared to bring it up because it's going to bring up a lot of emotions. And then they're worried you're going to like want to have a really hard conversation with them that they're not prepared to have. So more times than not, that's the thing that's happening. More times than not, they do feel bad. They either are just so defensive, they don't want to tell you that, or they just are avoidant kind of a person and they're avoiding a hard conversation. But it doesn't necessarily always mean they don't feel bad. It could mean that, but usually doesn't. All right, next question is, my partner will use and then call me and say, don't be walking around with an attitude. Seriously, I will not ignore how I feel. Am I wrong? I will detach. Okay, so this is similar to the question earlier about why do they get mad when we detach? I feel like it's It's pretty much the same kind of question. So it's like they know they've messed up. They feel you being distant and they're taking that as a criticism. And I guess on some level it is a little bit of a criticism. I mean, if not, it's at least like a, I feel hurt and I need some space here. And I think that's okay to do because that is a natural consequence of whatever happened is that it's going to Put some distance between you and this person, right? So should you yell and scream and act crazy about it? Probably not, because that doesn't really help either of you. But like pretending like you're fine and just going on smiling and pretending like nothing happened at all—that's not that doesn't work either. So am I am I wrong to detach? No, you're definitely not. I'm sure you're thinking to yourself like that's the most loving thing I can do is just be really quiet. And my detachment is just me trying to keep it respectful. I'm guessing that that's what you're thinking when you're doing that, right? All right. Bree says that we are to the end of our time for today. Thank you so much for everybody who showed up live. You guys are awesome and you ask great questions. I saw some new usernames on today that I haven't seen before. So let us know if you're new in the community. If you're new here, let us know you're new here so we can say, so we can welcome you. We go live every Thursday at 1, except next week. We're not going to go live next week. I'm going to be going out of town, taking my son to a sports competition, and Kim and Campbell are out of town too. So we're just going to have to miss one, but I'll make it up to you the next week. Um, I'll see you guys soon. Bye, everybody.