Secret Thoughts About Your Addicted Loved One's Addiction 🤐

Okay, number one secret thought that you might be having, deep down inside, you're harboring some serious hate for your addicted loved one. And I started to use the word resentment, but it's really more than that. It's I hate you because you've ruined my life. It's, I hate you because you won't do anything about it. I hate you because you've ruined the entire family. You know, maybe this is your sibling and it's like a. I hate you because you've literally destroyed mom and dad. And, like, no one gets any attention but you. You know, all these different sort of angles. You can look at it, and those aren't things we normally say out loud, but deep down inside, it's a thought that you've had. And it's kind of an understandable thought because anyone else who came into your life or any other sort of bad guy that came into your life and destroyed it and turned it completely upside down, you would hate them. You'd say, I hate that guy, or whatever. Now I know hate is not right. I'm not saying it's a good thing. I'm just saying it's the truth. And we gotta put it out there, because if we can put it out there, then we can deal with it. Moving on to thought number two, that's really common for family members to have. This one might be the hardest one of all. Deep down inside, you wish it was just over. And by over, that could mean you wish you would just go ahead and get that phone call that you've been dreading. You wish the bad thing would just happen. You wish it would just be over and you could get a divorce. You just wish it was over because you're exhausted, you're worn out, and sometimes it feels like you literally can't take it one more minute. And so wishing it was over is understandable. And that doesn't make you an evil person. It just is. Is sort of a symptom of how desperate and exhausted that you feel. Now. Number three is really interesting, and this is one that I have heard a lot of families talk to me about. And that is that you resent other people in the world that you see that don't seem to have this problem. And the reason is, it's almost like a grieving thing, because let's say it's your kid who has an addiction and it's graduation season and you're getting all these graduation invitations. When you see those, it is so hard to have happiness in your heart. And it's like you feel terrible. You don't want to admit that, but the truth of it is, is you just are so mad at the world because your kid's not having those moments that, you know, every parent wishes for. You don't have those wonderful memories of proms and graduations. You know, if there's proms and graduations, they're surrounded fear and crisis, and that's even if they happen at all. And so feel resentful because other people seem to be getting all of those parent moments or all of those, you know, or they seem to have this, like, loving spouse who's a great dad and a great provider. You know, all those things. You're just looking around the world around you, and it's kind of this, like, why me? Sort of situation. And again, somewhat understandable. Campbell, who's one of our family counselors, she. She used to say this all the time. She used to say, like, seriously, there should be some kind of card invented for, I'm sorry, your loved one is a drug addict. She used to say this a lot. She's like, I'm gonna invent that. I'm gonna send it to Hallmark. People around you, they really don't know what to say or how to deal with it, and so they avoid you. That can cause more resentment for the people around you. They say all the wrong things. Just gets kind of messy in there. Number four might be the deep down secretest of all the secret thoughts, and that is that you may have been living in fear so long and been so scared that they're gonna die or hurt someone else that you've replayed it in your mind over and over and over, and you've actually sort of come to terms with that, and it feels awful to say out loud. It feels like, awful to say I've come to terms with the fact that probably gonna lose my son or that my husband's gonna die from this or something like that. It feels terrible, and it makes you feel like you're like a bad person. But honestly, that is a protective mechanism. It's like. It's like your brain trying to rescue from that fear. It's the same kind of thing that would happen if you had a loved one with a terminal illness of some sort, and you were like, they were in hospice, and you have to come to terms with that. It's part of the grieving process. It's like grieving them before it's happened. And so if you've had that thought, I don't want you to feel so guilty about having that thought again. It does not make you a horrible person. It's you trying to come to terms with it, because your brain and your body is exhausted from living in the fear all the time. And it. It really has to come to terms with that. Otherwise, it's gonna kill you. Number five, secret feeling that you're probably not admitting out loud. You secretly feel really guilty, maybe even shameful about how you've reacted to the situation because you have all these memories where, you know, you either lost your cool and you acted crazy or reactive, or you were mean or you said some nasty, hurtful things, or you feel guilty because you always rescue them. You keep giving them money even though everyone's telling you not to. You keep bailing them out of jail. It's like you have these. This guilt for how you're reacting to the situation. Here's what I'm going to tell you about that. Living with an addicted loved one is really awful and hard and terrible. And you're gonna have some bad moments, and you're gonna do some things that are against your judgment. Now, obviously, on this channel, we're trying to help you make better decisions and be strategic. But you're gonna have to have a little grace for yourself, because no one in this situation is. It's gonna do it perfect. I don't care how many Amber videos you watch. I had somebody earlier this week on one of the videos, they said, I've watched this video five times, and I'm letting it play during my sleep because I'm hoping it just absorbed in there because I keep doing the wrong things. And so I totally get it, because everything about what I teach on this channel is completely against your instincts. It's not natural. And so you're gonna have those breakthrough moments. And I just want you to forgive yourself and get back up. Put one foot back in front of the other and do the best you can, because it's gonna get to you. Number six, secret thought that you've probably had before. You're secretly really, really embarrassed about what other people think about the fact that your loved one is in this situation. If it's your child, if it's your husband, if it's your sibling, if it's your parent. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing for people to know that you have addiction in. Or it's embarrassing because they get really intoxicated and they do awful, terrible, embarrassing things in public or at the family events. And so you're walking around with this complete humiliation and embarrassment about the situation. Number seven, secret thought and feeling that you probably are struggling with. I bet you feel pretty resentful and ticked off and irritated when people tell you to go to Al Anon and when you have to go to counseling or when you have to like give up your whole weekend and go for family weekend at the dang treatment center again, or that you have to watch Amber Stuart videos. And it's totally understandable because it's like, why is it that you have to do all the work when they're the one with the problem? And all I can say about that is, you're right, it is 100% unfair. And it really seems like they should have to do all the work. And honestly, I think everyone would agree, but unfortunately it doesn't really work that way. And it's a hundred percent not fair that you have to do those things. And so I get it, just acknowledge it, just say it's not fair. And I resent having to do it and I don't want to. But once you do it, you're gonna feel better because you're gonna find support, you're gonna learn things, it's gonna benefit you. Number eight, secret thought and feeling kind of connects to number seven. And that one is that you feel completely misunderstood and misrepresented. Especially in situations where it's like your addicted loved one has this dynamic with you that causes you to behave in certain ways. Those ways that you feel guilty and shameful about way back in one of those earlier numbers. And you feel like other people like may counselors or your mother in law or your church friends or your neighbors or the people in Al Anon or whatever, you feel like they don't understand you and that they're judging you and that they just don't get it. You know, maybe it's like you can't stop enabling, you can't stop giving money. Maybe it's. You can't seem to keep your cool in it. And you feel completely misunderstood because you don't even understand yourself sometimes why you react the way that you react. And the truth of the matter is you probably are kind of misunderstood, but know this and forgets why you're acting the way you're acting when. When I see the acts nail colleagues and they come in, they tell me like how crazy their family members act. And I'm like, mm, I bet they are because you drove them crazy. So we totally get it. And so I think for that reason it is important if you're gonna seek support. That support that you were sent back in that one before this one that you seek support from someone who understands addiction and what it does, not just understands addiction like the brain disease, but what it does to the family system and to the people around it. So that you have a safe place where you don't feel judged, even if you make a mistake, even if you don't follow Amber's video rules or something like that. Like, I'm gonna give you a lot of grace because when I'm dealing with someone with substance abuse problem, I don't expect them to just walk in my office and be a hundred percent, never drink or use again from that point. Like, there's gonna be some stumbling and you're gonna need some grace for that. Number nine, secret thought comes from that feeling of exhaustion and desperation. And that one is that you're just constantly praying or believing in some kind of really simple solution. And you're probably really fighting against something that you don't want to do. Like, maybe it's like really, really, really don't want to have to go and deal with the family counseling portion. I really, really, really don't want to pay for expensive treatment. I really, really, really don't want to have to like tell anyone around us. I just want it to be over. It's like, I want this way out without some of the complications. And that is completely understandable and normal feeling. And anyone in your situation would have it. And it's honestly the same thought that the person with the addiction has. They want some kind of simple solution. And so if you've seen my videos on the stages of change, you know that the person with the addiction will bargain and they'll try these different things. Well, family members do that too. They do a lot of bargaining. And they're like, well, I'm going to take them to the psychiatrist, and the psychiatrist is going to treat this depression and it's going to be better. It's. I'm going to bring them to Amber and she's going to talk them into doing their schoolwork. It's going to be better. And so it's that. It's that bargaining phase. And it comes from desperation and exhaustion. Number 10, secret thought that you're probably having if you have an addicted loved one, is the fact that you don't even trust yourself anymore. Now, you might not want to admit that out loud to your loved one or to the counselor or even to your Al Anon sponsor, maybe, but you don't trust yourself because you feel like this situation has just controlled you. It's got you on this emotional Roller coaster. And you just don't feel. Feel in control all the time. So you feel unpredictable. And you're just, you know, you may go into a situation with the plan of I'm going to say this and I'm going to be calm. And then you lose it. And so you don't trust your own self anymore. And that's a horrible feeling because that feeling of I don't trust myself, I don't even know how I'm going to react makes you feel like you have no control over your emotions, over your situation, over the outcome. And here's what I would say. Instead of thinking to yourself, like, I can't control it at all, think to yourself, like, sometimes I have slip up, sometimes I have a family recovery relapse, but you know what? I catch it quick. I call my sponsor, I watch an Amber video, and I get it back on track. And you know what? When I deal with people with addictions, I call that a lapse. I say, you know, if, like, let's say you've been doing super good and you go out there and you have a bad day and go to the bar and you get drunk, if the next day you get your act back together and you go to me and you pick up your white chip or you call your counselor or you confess it to your wife or whatever it is, then I'm gonna call that a lapse because you got right back on track. So again, the purpose of this video is to help you understand that these thoughts that you're having, everyone else in your situation is having too. And it doesn't mean that you're a bad person. And if you can at least quit feeling guilty about these thoughts, that will be one more roadblock that you can remove that will help get strategy on the situation because you'll be able to think so much clearer. Even making these videos, I have this, like, I have this secret guilt, like I'm telling you, like, what to do to help your addicted loved one. But a lot of times I'm well aware of the fact these things I'm asking you to do aren't fair to you. And so in our office, that's why we have, like, the family has a counselor and the addicted person has a counselor, because sometimes there's a conflict of interest there. And sometimes people say, well, what do I need to do about this? And I'll say, well, I can tell you what's the best thing to do for, you know, your addicted husband or your kid, but it might not be the best thing to do for yourself. And so that's why you really need your own person that has your back and can guide you and support you in a way that's. That's helpful and doesn't feel judgmental and doesn't overly stress you out. The next thing I want you to do, if you haven't done this already, is to watch my video about the trauma living with addiction, because it explains some of these feelings and symptoms that we've just talked about in this video. And I also want to encourage you to seek help and support just for yourself.