Amber Hollingsworth (YouTube) challenges the idea that a person has a single "true self"—especially when that label is used to single out someone’s worst behavior. Using a clinical/group-exercise framing, she describes a four-layer model (Original Self → Life Events → Defense Mechanisms → Mask) and argues that all layers together compose a person’s true self. Her practical advice is to evaluate people across varied contexts rather than fixating on one observed behavior; she closes by pointing viewers to videos on forgiving others and forgiving oneself.
Chapters
You know, lately I've been thinking a lot about this whole idea of understanding someone's true self. I think maybe it's all those true crime videos I've been watching and making. Because in those communities you hear a lot of people talk about, oh, this person. They were walking around and everyone thought they were great, but their true self was this dark, devious person. I think maybe one of the reasons why I really struggle with this whole concept is because when people use that term true self, usually what they're referring to is the ugly part of people, the not so great part of who someone is. But the fact of the situation is that humans are really complicated and none of us are all good or all bad. We all have these different parts of our personalities that come out and show depending on the situation. Let me give you this example. Very often I have young people that come into my office and I'm talking to them and I'm asking what their families like. You know, what's your mom like? What's your dad like? And they'll say, oh, my mom, she's all like two faced. You, you know, it's like in front of her friends or she came into this office, she would be all like great and you think she was wonderful, but at home she's just a terror. And when they're telling me that, I know what they're saying. They're saying that their mom is fake and ingenuine and if I met her I shouldn't believe anything she says because that's not her real self. Here's how I usually respond to that. And I'll say, well, I kind of see what you're saying. A lot of people do act different, especially in a counselor's office. You know, even I bet that you're probably different in my office right now than you would be if I saw you out hanging out with just your friends and there weren't any adults around. Or if I saw you at home with your family, you might be different. Or even at school, I bet you're kind of different in all of those situations, aren't you? And usually they're like, yeah, I guess so. Now that doesn't mean that you're fake or you're an ingenuine person. If you're polite in public or if different parts of yourself show in different situations, that just means your mama raised you right. That's right. I'm from the South. And when you're in public, you act right. Am I right here? Yeah, that's just good manners. Now should we act that way all the time? Yes, we should. But come on now, we all have different aspects of ourselves and that's okay. We're complicated people. Let me take you through this little exercise that we do in the groups that I read quite a bit. Now normally if you're in my group, you'll see me. I kind of get up to the whiteboard and I'd write this on the board, but I'm not going to do that on the video because it's hard to do the video and that. And plus everything shows up backwards. And I haven't figured out how to turn that around. But I'll try to put the graphic up here so you can follow me. So the first thing I do is I put this circle on the board and inside of that circle it says original self. So what I mean by that is, have you ever seen like a toddler 2 year old and they're just running around? Maybe they're just running around with their diaper off and they're just naked in their buck wild. They have no self consciousness, they have no like understanding social norms. They're just all out being there, all original self. It's really great to watch kids like that sometimes, just like the rest of us, as that little toddler goes through life, they're gonna experience lots of things. Some of those are gonna be good things and some of those are gonna be not so great things. So around that circle I draw another circle on the outside of it. And in that circle I put life, life events, right? You get hurt, you stuff happens, and some of that is even good stuff. But nonetheless, all of those life things shape that original self. And in response to all those life things, we actually develop this different layer. So then I draw a third circle around the other two and in that circle I write the word defense mechanism. Because we all develop these different coping mechanisms and over develop and underdevelop different parts of our personality to help us get through all those really bad times. This helps us to survive. And in general, defense mechanisms aren't a bad thing, they're a good thing. Although I'll admit they can definitely get out of control sometimes. I think I have some other videos on that. And then in the last fourth big circle around all the other circles, I write the word mask. Now what I mean by mask is I just mean like it's your public self, your acting right self, you know, the one where you behave and you're respectful and you bring out all your manners. That's your best self. That Comes out right there. Usually that's your mask. Now, some people might think that your mask, that part out there, is fake and the only real thing is this part inside where that's your original self. But I really agree with that. I feel like all of those layers make up your true self and different layers are going to come out depending on different circumstances. Okay, so I know that there are some people walking around who are totally fake and have a double life. I'm not saying that there aren't. But in general, even though we show different parts of us to different people in different situations, it doesn't mean we're fake or ingenuine. So if you really, really, really want to know who someone truly is, the key is to see that person in a variety of context and situations. You know, it's going to be really helpful if you'll stop trying to just see who someone truly is and begin to see who someone is in completeness in all different kinds of situations. Because that's who they truly are. They're different people in different situations, just like me and just like you. And I don't mean that any kind of bad way. If you got different parts of you that show at different times, all it really means is that you have good social instincts and you understand the different social norms and different situations. I want you to remember that all of us are good and all of us are bad. Now, if you're struggling with the bad parts, maybe you're struggling with something that someone else did bad or negative toward you when they were showing they're not great parts of their self. Or maybe you're struggling with something that you did to someone else when you were showing your not so great parts of yourself. If that's the case, then you might be dealing with issues around forgiveness, which is why I'm going to put these two videos up here for you next. One is on forgiving other people and one is on forgiving yourself. And both things are really, really important to becoming your best version of your true self.
