Setting Boundaries With An Addict Or Alcoholic (Advice For Parents)

So this episode we're gonna call the Fish Hook.

I'm gonna call it Be a smart fish.

Be a smart fish.

Be a smart fish.

What does that mean?

What I tell my clients after. Because I see mostly the parents. So the parents, I tell them after the first session, I'm not changing anything until I treat my team with the rest of my counselors. But be a smart fish. A smart fish, when they recognize the fish hook in the pond, knows that the fish hook's gonna just catch them in the mouth, hurt their mouth, reel them in, flip them around, and so.

They just swim past it.

They just don't go anywhere near it. They don't swim near it. Be an informed fish and recognize. And so what I mean by that is when your child starts those little tiny arguments that you know what I'm talking about.

Take. It's like they're baiting you in, they're.

Baiting you, and they're just trying to start an argument about what you have for dinner, what your hair looks like, what you have on, what you're. If you're telling them they can't go out, and it's all because they know that they're going to go use. And they need to be not at fault for it.

They're trying to work themselves up enough to just be blatantly defiant and not.

Not feel like they're doing it. It's your fault, right? Because they need to be the victim.

Now, the fish, it could be something that they say. The fish hook could be a huff or an eye roll. Just leave it sitting right there.

Slamming a door. It's.

It's literally to instigate an argument.

And naturally parents go to that because it's being. They're being rude, they're being disrespectful, like.

Oh, you're not talking to me like that, right?

I said you're not going. Or I can't believe yes, you like spaghetti. Just say, I tell parents. Pick a couple lines. I'm sorry you feel like that. That's a bummer. Hate that for you.

I will say, campbell, I'm sorry you feel like that is like the most, like, bad finger gesture statement. I like it when someone says that to you. You know, they're saying like, f you.

Just feel like that.

See? See the way she just said it? That's like, well, it's better than.

Remember in old Iop, there was a dad who would say, it sucks to be you. I was like, no, don't say it sucks to be you, because that's just. You just threw a fish hook at him.

I don't know. I think that I'm starting feel like that's almost more condescending. Well, what would you say? Give me a scenario.

I can't believe you're having spaghetti. You know I hate spaghetti.

I might say, I know, right? But I like it so much. I'm just, I'm just smarmy. Like I just go in with it. I'm like, I know, dude. I never listen. If they say you never listen to me, I'm like, I know, right? I just like go with it.

But I think when you know that your child is off the chain, oh.

You'Re just smell mad.

You can't hear somebody when you're mad. That's why I say just pick a sense or two and just use it. I don't care what it is. Whatever comes out of your mouth naturally. But that's your go to comment because otherwise you're not going to be rational enough to think through. Well now, what's a very smarmy thing to say? You're going to be like, unless you're just naturally smarmy. Unless you're naturally smart. But I'm not, I'm naturally charming.

I'm naturally smarmy.

So. But the main thing out of this whether, no matter what you decide to say is just don't, don't take the bait because they just gonna. And it's, it's just gonna keep going.

And if they're trying to get your permission to do something, because a lot of times that's what'll start the argument and you know that they're ultimately just gonna even do it. They want, it's weird, but they want to get your permission. It's like they want your blessing on it.

That way they don't have to feel bad.

I know. So you can just say it's all.

To mitigate their own shame.

You can say, listen, I can't control what you do, but I can't in good conscious sign off on that.

I'd say I don't think that's a very good idea. But you seem to be in charge of your decisions, so that's up to you.

But yeah. So basically you're not telling them that they can't because you know they're going to anyway. But you're making them walk out the door and do it. Like knowing it's on them. Yeah.

Like they want ownership.

That way they have to own it.

And if even if that didn't happen, it just worth so much peace in the house to just not take the bait. Because it's gonna escalate. Then someone, your husband will chime in, a sibling will chime in. Dinner will be ruined. The movie will be turned off. It's just. Just say, okay, it's going to happen anyway. Don't. The ticket is just to keep as much calm in your own spirit and in the rest of the family and the house in general that you.

Can I kind of do that to Weston now? He's like. And he's like, aggravating me. Like, I'll tell you this story. You know, he doesn't even. Like four foods, right?

Yeah. Like.

And it's actually.

And they're all white.

It's decreasing down like it used to be.

More chicken fingers, French fries and milk.

It doesn't really even need chicken fingers anymore. I'm telling you, like, nothing. So he will eat Lucky Charms. So I bought them. They had those, like, Lucky Charms breakfast bars, which is like a Rice Krispie treat, but with Lucky Charms. I was like, oh, Lucky Charms. You like those? I'm gonna get those for you. And then he just would eat it. And I'm like, wesson. It's Lucky Charms. Like, you light Lucky Charms. And he's like.

I'm like, dude, you told me to buy these.

And then I just kept on. And I was like, okay, whatever. Do what you want. I could do that now. That works.

Did he eat him?

He did tie it. It just, like, hurts his heart. When I do the whole give up thing. I'm like, whatever. That's not passive aggressive.

Whatever.

I know, but it works.

Okay.

At least I'm a 7 year old. Hey, do what you want.

This is why she doesn't see the parents.

I know the parents are too hard.

But anyway, avoid it. Don't do it. Be a smart fish.