Amber Hollingsworth advises fathers on setting boundaries with a child struggling with substance use. She explains why one parent often becomes the strict enforcer while the other stays calm, then recommends parents align as a team using a front man/back man model where the more objective parent leads conversations while the other provides support.
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Okay, all you dads out there, yeah, I know what you're thinking, and, yeah, you don't want to say it, so I'm gonna say it for you. You're thinking that your wife is making things with your kid so much worse because she's so reactive and emotional and always chasing them and always trying to find them doing something wrong. And it seems like your wife is constantly trying to pick a fight or an argument, and all you want is for the tension to sett. In this video, I'm going to explain to you exactly why that's happening and what to do about it. So almost invariably, when we get a new family coming into treatment at Hope4Families, and it's a young person that has parents, whether that's a teenager, college kid, or young adult, those parents are almost always at odds with each other. You almost always get this good cop, bad cop dynamic about 95% of the time. The way that dynamic looks is you've got mom over there being the bad cop because she's constantly trying to find them doing something wrong, arguing with them, nagging, yelling, preaching, threatening. And you got dad over here who's just trying to get everything to calm down, just trying to mediate the tension between the kid and the mom. So that sets up the dad and you as the good cop. And when that happens, things just get even 10 times worse because now your wife is mad at you for not supporting her parenting decisions, and now she's on your case. And now you even feel more empathy for your kid because you're like, she is a controlling maniac. Hopefully you're not saying that to your kid, but I know you're thinking it in your head. Worry. You don't have to admit it. I just said it for you. The more your wife yells and nags and screams and investigates and spies, the more you just want to calm things down. And so dads typically do that in several ways. Sometimes they find out information, they know information, or the kid comes to them with information, and they just flat out don't share it with the mom because you don't want to have the argument. You just want some peace in your house. Other times, dads do things like just minimize the issue. So they say things like, boys will be boys, or, I went through that phase when I was young, too. And so you might be trying to say things to your wife to get her to sort of feel calmer about the situation, react in a more objective way. But the more you make those minimizing statements, the more frustrated and crazy it's going to make your wife. Let me explain to you why it happens this way. You see, moms are biologically wired up to their kids, and they feel when something is wrong, they just know on that deep mom gut level that something is not right. You know, the parents, they know they're different cries between the I'm tired and I'm hungry and I'm sick cries. And no one else can tell that, but moms always know. We're just wired up that way. So when moms sense that something's going on with their kid and they know something is wrong, and maybe they can't always prove it and maybe they can't put their finger right on it, but inside their head, the alarm bells are going off like crazy. And so they constantly keep trying to prove it. And that's why they're constantly investigating and following up and checking behind and trying to prove it, because they know deep down inside something's wrong. Now, the more you come at your wife trying to make this better by secret keeping, by minimizing the issue, by going on work trips out of the country all the time, the worse this problem is going to get. If you want your wife to be less reactive. And I know she's reactive because typically this bad cop person isn't usually the mom. It's not always. You could have these roles reversed. But if you feel like your wife's being overreactive, she probably isn't interacting with the situation in the most helpful way, but she probably is right about her gut reaction. So instead of trying to balance out the parenting styles by one being too nice and one being too tough, you've got to come in the middle. You have got to learn to trust your wife's instincts on the issue, and she's got to learn to trust your instincts on how to have the conversation with the kid about it. Because usually the bad caught person, their instincts are right, but those warning sounds are so loud in their head, they don't really handle the situation well. And the other parent whose warning bells aren't going off as loud usually have a little bit more of an objective way to have a conversation with the kid. And so if you can line up your parenting in that kind of way as a team, you don't have to both do exactly the same thing, but there has to be trust there, then it's going to work so much more effectively. I call it sort of like the front man, back man, team model. So it's like you've got the bat guy, the back man, Back here, usually the mom who's they're in charge of like the intel, they know what's up, and you have got to trust that. But you got like the front man who's more like the hostage negotiator. They're the ones on the front lines dealing with situation or having communication with the kid about the situation, laying down the rules and the punishments and all that kind of stuff. And moms have got to learn to trust dads to do that if they're the more objective ones. Now we're working as a team instead of against each other. And let me tell you, this is so important because if you can't get lined up with your spouse about this problem, it is not going to get better. Your kid will continue to split you apart. Trust me, they know where the divide is and they work on that. Your kid is probably coming to you and complaining about mom and griping all the time, and you're probably really emphasizing with them because lately mom has been kind of crazy and she's down your throat too, so you really kind of get it. But if you want that to stop happening, you're gonna have to come in closer to the situation instead of trying to run away from it. When you do this, mom feels heard. She doesn't feel like she's going crazy. You're listening to her, you're taking her seriously, and that will help the alarms quiet down just a little bit and her reactivity will, will get much better. And when that happens, everybody can get objective about how to deal with this situation. Now, if you're still not sure if your kid has a real life addiction or if your kid is just going through a phase, then make sure you check out my video of the top 10 signs that your kid has a problem or an addiction. In that video, I really go through 10 ways, signs and symptoms that you're not just dealing with. Kids will be kids or it's just a face. It'll help you differentiate out exactly what you're dealing with. In fact, I have an entire parent playlist where there are tons and tons and tons of videos specifically for parents on how to deal with a kid with a substance use disorder. Make sure you subscribe, hit the bell and jump into that parent playlist because it's time to get your house, your sanity, and your family back in order. If you're determined to get your life or your family back on track, subscribe now. I'll make sure you're always five steps ahead of addiction.
