A 2021 YouTube video by Amber Hollingsworth (Put the Shovel Down) advising loved ones of people with addiction on how to set boundaries. Main points: you cannot set boundaries for someone else—only for yourself; clarify and restore your emotional, relational, and financial boundaries; recognize common unhealthy responses (yelling, snooping, manipulation) as normal reactions; focus on regaining control of your own life (emotional health, hobbies, behaviors) which also increases the chance the addicted person will recover; suggests journaling, counseling, or family recovery coaching and points viewers to a follow-up video on assertive boundaries.
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This is how to set boundaries with your addicted loved one. If you've got someone in your life that you really, truly love and care about and they have an addiction, then you already know they can cross every single boundary that you have. And if that's been going on for a long time, it may take some work to get the train back on the tracks. But this video is going to give you the secret formula for making that happen. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the Shovel Down. I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and this YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so you can recover your life and your loved ones and get back to living the life that you want to live. It's my job to make sure that you are always five steps ahead of addiction, and today's video is going to do just that. Okay, here we go. How do you set boundaries with an addicted loved one? Well, first of all, that's not possible. Okay, I know you clicked on the title because you wanted to hear the answer to that question. If you clicked on it, don't worry. This video is definitely for you. But you see, you're already thinking about it backwards. You can't set boundaries for someone else. You can only set boundaries for yourself. And so the number one thing that you're probably getting wrong or getting confused is you're trying to set boundaries on their behavior. You just can't do that. I often use the metaphor of like, a fence to help you understand this. You see, it is perfectly okay to build a fence around your own backyard. But people don't like it if you try to build a fence around their backyard. When you think about it that way, it's really easy to understand, right? You can't tell someone else what they can and can't do. But what you can do is decide what boundaries are appropriate for you. And by doing so, you can get back in control of your own life and your own feelings and get your own train back on the track. And as a huge added bonus, the better that you get at this, the more likely it is that your loved one will be able to ultimately overcome those addictions. So it is definitely a win. Win. Okay? So a good place to start when it comes to setting boundaries for yourself is to actually sit down and do some really good deep thinking about what you want your own emotional life to look like, what you want your financial boundaries to look like, what you want your own behavior to look like. Because chances are, if you're living with someone who has an addiction. You've actually been crossing all of your own boundaries, and I'm sure that there's some of that going on. But more importantly than that, you're crossing your boundaries because this addiction has just sucked you in like a vortex. I call it being on the roller coaster. And so now your whole emotional health depends on their emotional health. And the problem with that is, is their emotional health depends on the substance, whether they have it, they don't have much, and all of that kind of stuff. So you don't want to tie yourself completely to them, because then you're both just on the roller coaster and no one is helping anything. Now, I know this is not going to be easy at all, but take just a few minutes and think about this. Maybe you want to journal about it. You may want to talk to your counselor or your family recovery coach about it. But how have you been thinking, feeling behaving in ways that just aren't okay with you? Have you found yourself constantly yelling and screaming? Have you found yourself, like, having a lot of negative thoughts all the time? Have you found yourself snooping and spying or even manipulating? Now, I don't want you to beat yourself up about this because these are natural responses to having addiction in your family. Pretty much everyone that has an addicted loved one goes through this. So this isn't a beat yourself up thing. It's not about being ashamed of it. It's just about getting control of it. It's so easy to get sucked into trying to drive their boat that you forget to drive your own boat. In a lot of cases, having an addicted loved one can turn you into someone that you don't even recognize anymore. And that's not okay. You can get better whether or not they get better. But like I said, the chances that they'll get better go way up when you get better. So think about each important category in your life. Your emotional health, your relationships, your financial health, Any behaviors that you've had that you. That you don't like, any hobbies or interests or fun things that you've given up or you hardly do anymore that you used to really love and enjoy. Let's get those things back on track. Now. If you're feeling what I'm talking about here and you can relate, give this video a thumbs up. And after you do that, then I want you to take the time to really think through setting boundaries as far as what behaviors you will and won't accept and how you will react if you find that your boundaries are being crossed. So I've got this video for you. Up next. It's all about how to set assertive boundaries, and it is definitely your next step in the process.
