Setting the Stage for a Survivable Holiday with Addiction

There are a lot of ways to look at holidays, and most of us with loved ones in recovery or with addiction are trying right now to figure out what that's going to look like. Do we include our loved one? Do we honor family traditions? Do we— whose feelings do we not want to hurt? Who do we include? So the real, the real thing that we need to remember in this video is that the normal way is not necessarily the right way. And today we're going to talk about what the right way with addiction is and honoring ourselves. Because often, well, always what's best for you in the long run may be very well what's best for your addict. And I think that's why we want to look at this as we are approaching the holiday season. So raise your hand if you're feeling nervous, anxious, uptight, concerned, or confused about the holidays, because those are all feelings that Kim and I've had, most of our clients have, like, this is a scary time of year because what if is sort of the big question. So today what we want to do is we want to talk about the boundaries all the time and the importance of having them. And if you haven't looked into, like, Kim and I have a course on boundaries. Like, boundaries are really hot right now, you guys. There's a link in your thing, but the importance of having them is for us. Okay? Because if we go into this holiday all uptight, nervous, confused, like all those things I just said, then it's going to be a recipe for disaster. So let's talk about the first thing. And Kim, you help me with this one. Like, what the big thing to figure out is, what do you need? Not what you want. What do you need? And some of those—

sorry, with need, I want you guys to think about Think, think bigger than just my boundaries or who we invite. Think really into what do I need to feel a sense of peace? What do I need to feel a sense of ease? What do I need to feel a sense of confidence? What do I need to feel comfortable? And that might mean an escape plan, that might mean 2 cars, that might mean not inviting Uncle Henry to dinner because Uncle Henry always causes a scene, or because you just don't like Uncle Henry. So whatever this is, The need I want you guys to think about, what do you need in order to be the most logical and rational version of yourself that you might need, especially if this is one of the first holidays going that, that this person is going into is sober?

Or what do we need if this person that we're going to include because we feel we all have to is not going to be sober? So I think we have to look at it. Like both sides of the coin. I think the thing then is, is our planning for this holiday based upon what we need or want, or what other people need and want? And this is where I think people get stuck.

Can you— that one I'm going to talk a little bit more about, Campbell, if— is that good with you? For sure. On that one, a lot of us, we get stuck in this, it's a holiday, we don't want to mess with family traditions, we don't want to be the one to You know, to make someone mad or to not invite grandma to the dinner. But either way, when you think about what— when you're planning this, really think about going back to that first thing. What do you need? And not so much what other people expect or what other people need or what the family has always done.

Yeah, and that could be you order out. That could be you pare down the menu. That could be you make it smaller. That could mean you make it earlier in the day. There's a lot of ways to get what we need. It's interesting we're having this conversation because My son, who has a new baby, is having us for Thanksgiving for the first time. Hallelujah! First year, first time in 40 years I haven't had to cook the meal. But he's like, "We're gonna order out the basics, like bring a side or two that you have to have, but we're just gonna order out. We have a new baby and we just don't want the chaos." I'm like, "Wonderful." But that's a really good way. Like they set that boundary. Like this is how it's gonna look. We'd love for you to come. This is how it's gonna look. And everyone's like.

So let's talk about how this can go wrong. Let's say that we set the stage, we set these boundaries, we're doing things different, or we're speaking up more. So how can this go wrong?

Well, Uncle Henry could come and overdrink. Um, your addict could not come. Your addict could be unreliable and just not show, or they could come and be high, or your sober husband Um, sits next to Uncle Henry and starts just having a sip or two of his glass of wine. So I think those are sort of the big things that could go wrong. We don't— I mean, obviously we could burn the turkey, but no one really cares about that.

Yeah.

And I think you've got to recognize that for what do you need is what could go wrong and how can I set the stage so we avoid that because I don't want it to go wrong. Or how do I prepare myself that if it goes wrong, I will do blank. Right.

Yeah, I think one of the things, one of the big mistakes here that, that I see a lot of people make, I'm sure you do too, Campbell, but it's the assumption that it will be okay because it's a holiday and everybody knows that we need to treat so-and-so with kid gloves, or, or it's, it's what's one gonna hurt? It's a holiday, it's okay. So even if you're one of the only family members that really truly understands addiction and the rest of the family is like, they've been sober for 6 months, Is, is one drink really going to hurt? And you know, the answer is screaming inside of you. Yes, one drink is going to hurt, but the rest of the family probably doesn't know that, or they might not know that. So going into how can this go wrong, I think that's a really big one of how this can go wrong. And so, you know, and I don't want you guys to get so far ahead of this that we're living in codependent land, but being able to say, if this is a situation that we're walking into, what are we going to do, or how can we avoid it?

A big question we hear all the time too is, should we make this event alcohol-free? And I think if your loved one is early in recovery, I would encourage you to do alcohol-free. But then we always hear that the pushback on that is, well, we don't want everyone else in the family, the aunts and uncles, the grandparents, to feel that they can't drink. And that's where I would go back to, do we— is this the year to include those people?

Yeah.

I mean, when my boys were early in recovery, it was just the 5 of us and obviously there was no alcohol, but we just kept it small and we just, we did not go to the large family events for, for many, many years with the boys. Yeah. So I think, I think that's a big question. A lot of times you also, depending on if it's a spouse versus a child, the spouse may feel shameful or embarrassed if it is an alcohol-free event, because then they feel like they're sort of putting their needs on, on everybody else. So that's a conversation. If you have a spouse or partner, I would have that conversation with them so that they don't feel like you're behind the scenes telling everybody, hey, don't bring anything. We're not having any alcohol. And then they're like, there's, that's fine to do, but include them and make sure that that's like a comfortable decision for them as well.

Right. And you can even, you can even own that because my guess is that it's more comfortable for you, for a lot of people, if the alcohol isn't there. So you can even come into your spouse and say, look, I don't want it here because it makes me uncomfortable, and this really doesn't have anything to do with you. So I am informing the family when they say whatever, that this is my preference, or I am— if I'm hosting it, that I'm saying this, or, or I'm declaring to whoever's house I'm going to, hey, just so you know, I may stay for a short period of time because it makes me uncomfortable to have my family around alcohol at this point. So you can have your own boundary around alcohol that really Is your own boundary that's not necessarily even tied to the person struggling with addiction.

That's true because it's for you. And that goes back to question number 1, which would be supportive of that, which is what do I need for my own peace of mind, for my own sense of joy? And I think it's also important to remember, you guys, this sounds maybe trite, but holidays, there's just a day. Like Thanksgiving is just a day. So it doesn't have to be the over-the-top event that in everyone's imagination defines Thanksgiving. It can just be a simple day.

And Christmas too.

Christmas too. Absolutely. Yeah. They're just days. So let's talk about who should you include? Who should you not include? Is there— there's not a rule of thumb on that. What are your thoughts on that?

I would say don't include anyone that's going to cause a big problem. You know, if you know Uncle Mary, Uncle Mary, if you know that Aunt Mary is a problem, then don't go to Aunt Mary's house or don't include Aunt Mary. I mean, you can do it gracefully and kind and considerate, but you can certainly include the people that are going to help this, that, that's going to help perpetuate the long-term goal, not just the short-term goal, which is let's keep everything nice and neat and normal during holiday season. That's not the long-term goal. You can shake that up a bit to, to get the long-term goal met.

What do you mean by the long-term goal?

I mean the long-term goal of happy, healthy, sober relationships intact versus I'm upset because my cousin offered my husband something to drink at dinner and I just think that that's absurd, or my cousin took my son out back and gave him a beer because they don't understand recovery. But you can hear in both of those examples there's going to be a break in the relationship between my relationship and whoever this family member is because I feel like They put someone else in jeopardy. So that then that in those relationships that I'm talking about, they don't even have to do with the actual person struggling with addiction. It would be you as the family member, how these relationships affect you. So long-term goal would be that we keep relationships intact and we keep health on the front end.

I think that's ultimately the goal for a loved one. And you're right, the entire extended family or friends or whatever the social situation is. And I think that I don't know if it's necessarily tied to holidays, but you sort of, as you go through this journey, your circle may shrink because there will be people that don't support the long-term goal or can't understand the long-term goal or too judgmental or whatever. I think most of us realize as we go through this, our circle gets smaller and smaller of who is in our long-term life based upon their response and ability to tolerate or handle addiction in general.

Right. Right. And I would even add scared. Sometimes people are really scared to see it for what it is. And so one of the coping mechanisms is to deny it and minimize it. And that's not coming from— it's coming from a place of fear.

Let's talk for a second about, we had this question on the live call the other day. Should we, should I bring my loved one who's in treatment in sober living home for the holidays? They have a day pass, they have a night pass, whatever. Should I bring them home? And my response is you should not, because when you bring someone home, then you open the door that they may not return. The addiction will say, yeah, we're, we've, we've done 5 weeks. We're solid. We've changed. And then the inclination for family members also is to say, well, they have changed. Like they seem to be doing better. I will bring them home. And I just don't advise that for your peace of mind, as well as the long-term goal, which would be sobriety in this case. Um, your peace of mind will be shattered. You think it'd be lovely to have your child or your spouse at home, but your peace of mind will not hold it because when they go outside to put the trash in the trash can, you'll think, where are they going? What are they doing? Are they coming back? If they drive to the grocery store to get milk and they take 20 extra minutes, you're going to panic.

Mm-hmm.

And I just do not advise it strongly enough. And I, Don't know why, like, sober living would offer that. 'Cause to me, that's a really dangerous thing and puts their, their program in jeopardy as well.

What do you, what do you suggest instead then?

I suggest you take the adage that, that it's just a day and you either go there for the real holiday and you go out to dinner or you go out for lunch or you celebrate with your loved one, or you go the day before, or you go the day after, or you go the weekend and you celebrate that. And then just depends on like what everybody that's not in treatment wants to do. If they wanna really go to Granny's for dinner, then I would do that on Thursday and maybe do your loved one on Wednesday or Friday.

Mm-hmm.

Purple, where my boys went, um, has a thing called Purple Thanksgiving, and it is truly one of the most lovely events you can go to. All these dozens and dozens and dozens of alumni and current clients who are sober or getting sober and all their families. And it's just, I've gone 3 times and I love it. And it's usually the Saturday before Thanksgiving. And it was when we first started, it was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and it was Thanksgiving food, which was a lot of turkey for me. Now it's the Saturday before and it's food trucks and it's super fun. So that just really shows and reminds us that you, you can celebrate in any way at any point in time.

Yeah. And anything about boundaries that we want to talk about?

I think everything we're talking about today is about boundaries. And I think, again, boundaries are very misunderstood and they're very often confused with rules. The boundary, remember, is what I no longer want to do or tolerate, what I need to do for myself to feel replenished and And full, what I need to do to feel peace. And they don't have to be rigid. They don't have to be. You don't have to have a lot of them. You just have to know. And Beyond Boundaries, the course that Kim and I created, I just got a great quote from someone who's taking it, and she said, "It is the toolbox for change, and it's the method to the madness while changing." And I loved that. She's like fully just named it. It's the method to the madness. And and so I think if we're not good at this, if this puts make you feel really uncomfortable, if this topic is like, oh my god, I cannot possibly leave out Uncle Henry.

I cannot.

Possibly leave out my loved one, then I think probably taking Beyond Boundaries, which is, you can be with us for 8 weeks or a self-study that you can do crash course over a weekend if you want to. I think that's where I would start because this is not gonna be the, the last of the holidays you're gonna have with your loved one. And it's not gonna be the last of the, of the moments where you need to define what do I need right now. So that's all I have on boundaries. All right, anything else, Kim?

Okay.

Okay, so let's see what questions we have, and they can be about holidays or not. All right, my 17-year-old daughter is coming home from treatment the week after Thanksgiving. I'm trying to prepare myself. Yeah, that's, that's a tough situation. And 17 is, is—

here, read the one below it though. It's the same person. She said, I was upset a bit that my daughter wouldn't be home for Thanksgiving. After thinking about it, I'm grateful now that she will be in treatment exactly where she needs to be. So that's awesome.

That's perfect. Okay, good. Yeah, I think bringing someone home from treatment is tough. And 17 is, I mean, my guess would be, I don't know, she's going back to school. So I would be working very closely right now with wherever she is. What is their thinking for the scaffolding to keep her sober when she does come home? Depending on how long she's been there, like the brain—it takes the brain more than 28 days to start to recover. So when they come home, I'm a big fan of having a bunch of things in place, whether it's an IOP, the sober link, or drug testing, AA or NA. Like as many of these things in place initially because she's coming from a place of safety, which is. She can't use to a place of danger, which she can. And so she's not like you gotta you gotta build a big plan for that. All right, Jess. My spouse is in the bargaining phase, and while with me he's sober, he's always said that on Thanksgiving he's allowed himself to drink because his parents are coming. Do I sit back and allow that? Well, I don't know whether option you have. I think you can. You can have a conversation with him about how that will make you feel and how that may impact your, your holiday in general negatively. But I don't think you can say you can't. What do you think, Kim?

I think my internet's choppy, so I apologize if it cuts out, but I think, I think just that you, you can certainly say something like, okay, it sounds like you've put some thought into this. Um, and I wouldn't say anything else. I would just kind of float that comment out. And then because he is in the bargaining phase, the quicker he can roll through his own bargaining and his own limit and it not go well, the better. So if you don't say a bunch of things about it, then that does give him more room to set himself up for failure. I think that's one option. However, if you know yourself well enough to know that you're not going to be calm and be able to take 10 steps back and let this failure possibly happen, you know that you're going to be activated, you're going to be on edge, you're going to— All of these things, then I would set an internal boundary for yourself that basically says whatever you need to do to take care of yourself so you don't get in the way of that moment of change if, if it's going to occur. And so what that could mean is you don't go, or you take your own car, or you allow yourself to say, when I, when my heart starts going crazy, or I start having these certain types of thoughts, then I'm gonna go take a walk. But either way, you're kind of setting yourself up for that self-care, which is that first question we asked. What do you need? Because really, if we don't keep that regulation system in check, we're not able to do any of these other strategies that we teach.

I think you just hit on a really big point too that I'd like to just elaborate on for a second, which is the bargaining phase is bargaining denial. It can be really, really, really, really long and really, really, really painful to watch, but it is vital. It is. You have to let them exhaust themselves because otherwise They're just not people that do really well in recovery have really exhausted themselves, and they're just sick and tired of being sick and tired, and they just tag out. But if we if we force it too soon, then they haven't really tagged out, and they're not exhausted, and they'll go back to it. So it's really hard to be in the bargaining phase, especially if it's in your home. So I think you better have a bunch of contingency plans because my bet is he's absolutely going to drink.

Yeah. Well, he's—

You can always just say, you know what? We can have dessert in the living room. It's self-serve. Everyone feel free to help themselves. And I'm gonna go for a walk, or I'm gonna go check on the baby, or I'm gonna go watch a movie. Like, it was lovely to see you all. I'll get the dishes later. Like, right.

And the word I wanna pull outta there, Jess, is allow. Because as, as family members, when we put that word in our vocabulary, do I allow this? We set ourselves up for failure and we set ourselves up for a lot of anxiety because there's a built-in power struggle. So I would encourage you to say, what am I going to allow myself to endure? So that allow, instead of directed at him, is directed at you. What am I going to allow myself to be exposed to? What am I going to— what feelings am I going to allow myself to feel? Because there's a ton of empowerment when I put that allow back on me versus power struggle when I put that allow on him.

It's also within your control, Jess. If you know what you're going to allow, you can control that. You cannot control what he does, even if you allow it or don't allow it. Right. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I'm a foster mom to my niece who is 7. Both parents struggle with addiction. Her dad is my brother. I don't think either will be here for the holidays, and it will be her first without her mom. I'm trying to stay strong for her. Meanwhile, I'm 81 days sober from alcohol. Good job. And I'm actually looking forward to sober holiday season. Clear head now and we'll get to embrace the moments. Yeah. Wow. That's a lot of, that's a lot of things to hold together. To me, the 7-year-old without the, with the first time away from her mom on the holidays, as I would try to, she's old enough to answer this question, is what if we don't have what? Will this— will you not have a good Thanksgiving, whether it's pumpkin pie or watching the parade or whatever it is? And then have that, and then maybe see if you can shake it up, make it something that a 7-year-old would really cherish, which might be to eat in a different part of the house, not at the table. Like, you can do that. But also, I think it'll help you in your 81 days of sobriety move into the holiday season that they can look completely different and still be the holidays. Yeah. Yeah.

I like what you said there, Campbell.

Sobering. Eating at the table, not eating at the table.

Right. I like the part of asking her, the child, what do you need? What, what's important for you for this holiday and bringing some of her traditions into the current holiday season?

Yeah. When I have a new potential in-law and they're coming to the holidays, I always say, if we don't have blank, what will not make your day very Very good. And then we we have blank. But it's funny, my daughter-in-law said, "Oh well, nothing you wouldn't already have." I just love roles. I'm like, "We don't have roles." Yeah, we have roles.

The only family that doesn't have roles.

We do now. Is it cool? Are any more questions? But congratulations on on eighty-one days sober and being the foster mom to your niece. Like that's a lot for you to juggle and a lot for you to balance, and it's commendable that you're doing it. And I know that you're making a difference in that little girl's life.

Yeah. Yeah. And you can even ask her, you know, I don't want you to push, push emotions on her, but if you notice that there's a sad emotion or any of that, give her permission to feel it. You know, and you can even say, hey, you know, I miss your dad too, or I miss your mom too. Or, you know, you can share in whatever emotion she has, she or he, niece, that she has in order to let her feel that she can That she can feel whatever emotion she needs to feel, up and down, happy, sad, all in the same day. A lot of times kids get stuck with that more than one emotion. It's difficult for them to cognitively understand we can be happy and sad at the same time.

Yeah, good point. And I don't know the details on why the mom and dad would not be there. They may be there in treatment or maybe they're actively using. And so there is going to be conflict of emotions in that. And probably for you too, because that's your brother.

Yeah. All right.

So if you are interested in, um, boundaries, click the link in the description so that you can check that out. Or if you're interested in our membership, there's also a link for that. And our membership is, um, has a ton of information in it, but also gives you access to a live call on Wednesdays where you can ask Kim and I questions. Um, you can pre-submit your questions or Or listen or ask it live and get an answer, but then they're recorded and you can go back in and look at them. And people are really like, it's a way to save some money, but get some answers from people who understand addiction.

Yeah. Yeah. The other thing with the Beyond Boundaries is we put the beyond in there on purpose because we talk a lot about grief. We talk about family engagement. We talk about self-regulation. So it's more than just boundaries because in order to be able to hold a boundary and keep a boundary, some of that behind the scenes work. has to be done first or at the same time. So that's another thing that we've got in there, which I think is important.

And we talk a lot about changing your focus from external to internal, which is, first of all, if you don't have that, it's hard to have a boundary, but also you, it's hard to, it's hard to live your life with joy if you're constantly regulating on what's going on with other people around you.

Yeah. I would actually say that's probably the whole point of the course is to go from external to internal.

I agree.

Okay.

All right. Well, Amber will be here next week and the following week will be Thanksgiving, so there won't be a call. But I hope this was helpful and we'll see you guys in a couple weeks.