Silence Doesn’t Work (Here’s What To Do Instead)

Silence feels safer, but it protects the problem when no one names reality, and that is a problem. So today we're going to be talking about why we want to be strategic and not silent, even though for a lot of us silence comes naturally and it even feels neutral. But I want you guys to really start to think about that when we are silent, we actually can be enabling, we can be perpetuating the problem. So instead, I want you guys to be really strategic in In what you say and why you say it. I'm a firm believer in we can say almost anything as family members. We just have to be aware of our tone, our timing, our affect. And as long as we can really harness that, then we can say anything we want. So when nobody names reality, then secrecy and false peace and resentment, they have a place to grow. And believe me, they do. And I'm sure you guys have experienced this. The goal is not for confrontation. It's not to people-please. It's not to give a false sense of peace. We want to speak up so that we can be strategically in— we want to influence our loved ones. We want to, and we want to engage in effective self-care. And as family members, we have a tendency to think that we need to be a doormat, or we have a tendency to think we need to be the punching bag simply so that we don't get sucked into the bad guy role. And I want you guys to recognize there's a massive difference between being the bad guy and being accused of the bad guy. So as family members, we will not be able to maintain our physical health, our peace of mind, our mental health if we feel like our only options is silence and to be a pleasant doormat. So I really want to push on that narrative that a lot of people unfortunately have. When we are speaking up, we're asking for clarity, we're asking for connection. And once we have clarity and connection, the natural consequences can actually land. And so before you guys have any of these conversations, I want you to be able to pick One outcome per conversation. And so the outcome could be you want more clarity. It could mean that you want more connection. It could mean that you're pushing for more safety. And when you're doing this, what happens is it actually lets your needs be met because perhaps you don't quite understand what a situation entails, and therefore you don't know what boundaries you want to hold. You're not really sure if this is a safe situation for you or your kids or anyone else. And so again, we can come in with this. Huge amount of fear, and then we miss the ability to connect. So when we recognize, hey, I have needs too, and I want to know what those are, and we can really put them in the bucket of clarity, connection, or safety, then we feel more empowered to speak up. And so I want you guys, whenever you're speaking up, I want you to start with understanding. So if you can have an understanding tone, if you can have some kind of validating statement for them, chances are the defensiveness is They're going to be lower, not only theirs, but yours too. So an example of this, you could be— a quick empathy line could be, hey, I know you enjoy going out with your friends. I know you have a good time. I know it's important to you. And I just want to make sure that when you come home that you're quiet. And so you can hear on this that you're just, you're asking for clarification. It's a simple request and it's one little thing. A lot of times people have a hard time doing this because they'll say, well, they're not going to be quiet when they come home. It's just going to make me mad. It's going to pick a fight. And so I want you guys to think about this as the long game. And so in the long game, when you ask for this request, even though in your heart of hearts, you know, this is probably not going to happen, this request is probably not going to be held. Chances are when you say it with an understanding tone, hey, I know you enjoy going out. I know it's important to you. I know you like having fun. And when you come home, can you make sure that, you know, that you're quiet, that you don't wake anyone up in the house? They're probably going to say, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fine. Or there, and maybe they will be quiet. Who knows? But what happens there is, and I'm just using this as an example, it could be any ask. But once you give this request and you give it in a, in a pretty understanding tone, chances are you're going to get a yes, even if it's a placated yes, but it sets you up for the next request. It sets you up for being able to let a natural consequence actually come to the forefront, where if you were silent, we wouldn't have had the ability for that natural consequence. So, so I want you guys, when you're having these, I want you to be able to say what you want. I don't want you to start with what you don't want. I don't want you to lecture. I don't want you to use this as a time to unload your pain or your frustration. Which is really common because sometimes what happens is we hold and hold and hold, which is another reason why I don't want you guys to be silent. And then once we actually feel like we have their attention or we have a captive audience, then everything we've been holding in accidentally slips out. So again, I want you guys to be really strategic in being able to make sure that you don't fall victim to that. The other thing I want you guys to do is I want you to set everyone up for an easy yes. And if we can make success attainable, then chances are It's going to happen again. So we want to make sure that we that we can ask for just one thing at a time. It's easy to remember just one thing. It feels less overwhelming for us, and it feels less overwhelming for them. So in the example I gave, do you mind just being quiet when you come home? That's just one thing. I'm not asking what time you're going to be home. I'm not asking are you going to drive? Is Brian going to drive? I'm not asking Brian is the fictitious person in my name, by the way, in the story. That's that name came from. But I'm not asking any of those things. I'm simply saying, can you be quiet? And chances are I'm going to get a yes on that. Whether it happens or not, I don't know. So when we can just ask for these simple things, it produces more motivation and less shame for everybody. The other thing I want you guys to do is I want you to hold your boundary as your action, not their assignments. And so I don't want this to look like— I want it to look like you're able to hold the boundary that you're going to maintain, the behavioral boundary that you're going to maintain based on if the pattern continues or not. So a lot of times we put a boundary as a rule, or we put a boundary on what they can and can't do. That's not a boundary. A boundary is what I can do, what I'm able to do physically, emotionally. And so when we put that request out there, then in our own mind, we recognize, okay, this is a boundary that I may need to hold. It's just a request that I've thrown out, but maybe it turns into a boundary. We want to make sure that we're using a calm tone of voice, and we don't want to have any ultimate Ultimatums in here. Ultimatums don't work. The other thing that we want to keep in our mind is if the tension starts to rise, we want to, we want to get out of there quickly. We want to be able to put a pause in there. We can say something about revisiting the topic later. We can certainly align in the fact of, hey, neither one of us really— both of us have long days. Neither one of us want to fight. Let's come back and revisit this later. Or we could do something along the lines of, hey, you know, I hope we have a good weekend. Let's just table this. We can come back to it later. And so at that point, what we're doing is we, we're protecting the relationship, which is what we want to do. The other thing when we're being strategic and not silent is we want to reinforce any honesty or any accountability immediately. So even if they say, I don't know if I can come home quiet. I mean, I can't help it. The dog barks. Then you can even say, I appreciate your honesty. You make a really good point. Sometimes the dog does bark. You know, and so at this point, we, we have become a receiver of something that might be hard to hear. We're not arguing, we're not rolling our eyes. And so that's— we've become someone that they can then be more honest with. And again, we are setting the stage for our success as well as theirs. And our success might mean at this point, we need to hold a firmer boundary later on. But if we're not open about it, we can't put these dots in place. So That's, that's how we want to do on that one. And again, we really want to hold the relationship as our number one. We want to protect the relationship wherever we can. And so if we can recognize progress, any progress, even if it's slow, then that's going to support the relationship. And so here's your recipe for this. When you are, when you're moving away from silence and you're moving into strategic, you're going to be empathetic. You're going to use an empathetic understanding line. You're going to Ask for one thing at a time, just one request. Next thing you're going to do is you're going to pause if it gets heated. You're going to exit if you need to. If you don't have to exit, then you're going to reinforce the progress. And so always remember, remember, we want to be strategic. Strategy beats silence almost any time. And so if you guys have any questions on that, I'm happy to answer them. We'll wait just a little bit because I know there's a bit of a delay. How to deal with a person that has no contact? I think on that one, without having much background, I think if they're choosing to have no contact for whatever reason, and a lot of times people do this once we've set a boundary and we, and we're holding this boundary that they don't like, or it's difficult for them, or they're even trying to use it as a form of manipulation, then we really want to just, we want to hold tight. We don't want to push on that. It sets the stage for them to be able to withdraw their attention, their relationship, whatever it is, as a form of manipulation. So if they have no contact with you because they're choosing this, then I would sit tight. I think you could certainly once in a while, and without knowing the context of why the no contact is there, once in a while you could send a text message, you could send something that's neutral. But for the most part, I would say we just want to sit tight on that. Do we have any more questions, Bree? Are we just waiting? Okay, we'll wait a little longer. Okay. So in closing then, and I'll, if you guys have a question, just pop it up and I'll be happy to answer it. But I want you guys to think about a lot of times we do see silence as a neutral thing that it, and if we don't know what to say, then be silent. I would rather you be silent than pick a fight. I would rather you be silent than, you know, go into the bad guy role simply because you think, oh, I shouldn't be quiet. But the point of, the point of today is I want you guys to think about. When we are silent, it is not neutral. It can definitely turn into an enabling stance. It can turn into an approval simply because I'm not saying anything, or it can turn into them saying something negative about you're never happy, or they can never please you, or it's never good enough. And so when we actually start to implement some form of verbal conversation, it forces the connection. It also sets us up for being able to, to really— whatever I say on Tuesday, it might be relevant for me Helping change on Friday. If I don't say anything on Tuesday, then when Friday comes, I can't use that as a marker for whatever change or whatever boundary or whatever natural consequence may happen later on. And they always do. I mean, if you guys know, you guys have been living this long enough; they always come. And so, if you mess up, if you do something that you're like, oh, I missed that chance, you'll get another chance. Don't don't be super hard on yourself. The harder you are on yourself, the more stressed you're going to be. The less you're going to be regulated, the less you're going to be able to access the part of your brain that I want you to be able to access. So just take it slow, but recognize, say what you can say. You're going for clarity. You're going for safety. You're going for connection. Okay. Any other questions? Oh, one more. What do you do on nights when they drive home drunk and you are very angry? Is it okay? Oh, I can't see that last part. Is it okay to avoid them until they aren't drunk? Absolutely. And that's a great question. And I would always avoid until they aren't drunk. And there's a difference between they've had something to drink and drunk. Don't have any kind of hard conversation when they're drunk. If they've had a little something to drink, sometimes the conversations actually go better because they're not agitated or they don't see you as a block to them starting to drink. But when they drive home drunk and you're super mad, that's not the time for a conversation. I think you can certainly have that conversation the next day. But also, this is a good, this is a good example of being able to You might have to set a boundary there, or even just being able to hold a request in there as far as, hey, I appreciate if you don't drive drunk. I'm sure you've already done this 100 times. But what it does is it sets it up for any boundary that might need to happen later, which it might be, you know, whatever it might be. And I don't want to give legal advice because I'm not a lawyer, but whatever, if you went to an attorney, then whatever the attorney would advise you on to be able to protect legally you or financially or whatever that might be. But once you give the request and then you have the conversation when they're not drunk, it does Pave the way for whatever boundary, whatever action you need to set later on that protects you and the family. My boundary was not going to pick up— to pick you up. It's really hard for me to read this. Sorry, guys. When there's drinking and now they are stuck. I don't know how to make this bigger. There we go. Sorry, Bree. I don't know how to make that bigger. Let's see. My boundary was not going to pick them up, but they're not drinking. And now that they said that they're interested in them getting a ride, they're coming to stay there and saying I failed them. That's manipulation. So Am I right? Am I right to continue to hold my boundary? Absolutely. That's manipulation. Whenever we hold a limit, and that's exactly what happened here, is you held a limit that they don't like. And so they're putting it on you. They're blaming it on you. And remember, blame is just discharge of pain. And then, so what happens is when they blame you, now you become in the hot seat. It's your problem. You failed me. You need to fix it. That is addiction 101. So hold your boundary. You haven't done anything wrong. You're basically just saying, this is what I will and what I won't do. And then you're, and you're Sticking to that. They're not going to like it, and that's okay. They don't have to like it because people change when it's too uncomfortable not to change. And what you're doing here is you're letting the natural consequence land where it needs to land. Their life is becoming more unmanageable, which is what we want. They definitely try to make our lives less manageable when their lives become unmanageable. And that— I'm not saying that's true for everyone, but that's true for most people. And some of it just happens, and some of it is they, they intentionally try to push it our way so that if our life becomes more unmanageable, chances are we're more willing to help their life stay manageable. And I would say manageable in air quotes. So that's a great boundary. Hold it. And when they push back on boundaries like that, I want you guys to really say to yourself, okay, I'm doing something right because they wouldn't be stomping their feet and pushing back this far if it wasn't disrupting them. But we're not going to hold boundaries to only disrupt them. We're going to hold boundaries to keep our sanity. And this is a strategy for our boundaries, not engaging their behavior, drinking, Correct. Therapy. And this is a strategy for our boundaries. Our boundaries are to keep us safe. It's to keep us mentally intact, and we're not engaging on their behavior, drinking, or— Yes, or their therapy. That's correct. Because when we start to do their work, they don't have to do it, and our lives become overwhelming and unmanageable. So let's see. We have been silent, but now we need to ask for our for our adult daughter to admit she is an alcoholic. Is there hope for the 16th detox now? Advice that's hard. I would say I mean I think there's always hope, but I also think that what we want to do is we want to look at. Is she asking for it? Is she showing desperation? Is because really, when they're showing desperation, when they're showing a need, then chances are they're going to we're going to get a better outcome. But at the same time, being able to say as parents, you got you guys can do what what you need to do. And so if in your own hearts you're saying I I can't not do something, then by all means do it. But I think what we're looking for is if if she's not showing that desperation, if she's not showing. Anything where she's needing to change and you don't have to push for detox yet, then I would wait until she is showing some form of desperation. But again, every situation is different and safety always comes first. She's also refused treatment, AA, etc. Very defiant 35-year-old. Okay. Yeah. So that doesn't sound to me— I mean, I think if she's being forced into it, chances are you're probably not going to get that good of an outcome 16 times later. But again, you're going to want to listen to that. So any kind of desperation that she might have. Let's see. Do you think these strategies could teach, could also work for loved ones with process addiction? Absolutely. Such as sex addiction, gambling addiction? Yes, absolutely. With addiction, with a process addiction, it, it, the chemicals are somewhat different, but the part of the brain that it affects is very, very similar. And some of it is 100% of an overlap. So yes, I would say, and even if we're not dealing with someone with an addiction, it's just a problematic behavior that hasn't quite turned into an addiction. These, this still works if they quit drinking and they aren't going to And they aren't going to do any kind of therapy or counseling, is that something that they should do? People can get sober in lots of different ways. They can go into recovery in lots of different ways. They can't do it in a vacuum. And so if they quit drinking and they aren't going to do any kind of therapy or counseling or any of that, as long as they connect themselves to something, it can be physical activity, it can be self-help, it can be lots of different ways. But as far as like, I'm just going to quit drinking and nothing else in my life is going to change, that's not going to be— you're not going to see much success there. And I think as far as what, what they should do is they should definitely look at ways that they can improve their life and ways that they can get more serotonin and oxytocin, which are going to be how they, how they stay sober. Recovery offers those things as far as traditional recovery. So I think they should, they should do something to make their life more full. Are there any tips on how to manage my anger and feelings of the defeat when he's out there drinking? Yeah, I get that. 5 to 6 nights a week. In this, I would say your, your anger and resentment— basically, when we feel angry, anger is always about 3 strong emotions in the background. It can be a combination of any of them, but it's fear, pain, and powerlessness. And so when he's drinking, chances are you feel powerless. You probably feel fear. You might, you know, definitely feel pain in there. So what I would do on that is I would be handling those emotions in the background, whatever those actual emotions are, those need to be addressed. And so the other thing that happens with resentment is that we tend, we're breaking our own boundaries. And so we're allowing things that we don't want to allow. And with kids and with marriage and with a life that is so intertwined together, this is not an easy fix. And so I don't like it when people say just leave or do this or do that because it's never ever that easy. And so I would say for you, really address those 3 emotions, the pain, the powerlessness, and the fear. Get those in a place where you can manage those emotions. After those are in a good spot, then I would want you to think about what is it that I am, that I am participating in that is just really making me mad, and then figure out ways to not participate in that. And without knowing more on that specific story, I can't give you examples of what that might look like, but chances are they are there. I don't know what they are. Sometimes they're small, sometimes they're big. He quit drinking when I am fighting cancer, not because he had a wake-up moment. How do I bring that up? I think if he's not drinking, if he's still not drinking, then I don't think that I wouldn't bring it up. If we have a big period of time of sobriety or recovery, then I think you can go back and bring that up. But if it's Relatively new, and by new I mean within the last couple months, and he's not drinking, I would, I would just, I would acknowledge that he's not drinking. I would acknowledge what's good about the relationship or what's different. If he's not drinking but the behaviors are still there, he's just basically the same person and everything's the same, there's just not alcohol, so there's still blaming and, you know, things are just not pleasant, then I would bring up the behavior that's not pleasant. I would just say, hey, you know, I appreciate the fact that things that some things have shifted and this and this and this is still really hard. And so I would address, I would address the difficulty. Okay. Well, I hope that you guys enjoy the rest of your week and we'll see you later.