A short YouTube discussion (Amber Hollingsworth, Speaker A and Campbell) about how secrecy in families coping with addiction fosters shame, rumination, anxiety, and codependency. They recommend sharing the burden with trusted friends, counselors, or support groups (including their paid membership) to reduce isolation and improve functioning. The video ends with a promotional note about a membership that includes live calls and a limited-time bonus: access to a 36-video series 'Reclaiming Your Power and Purpose' if joined by next Friday.
Chapters
Hey, everyone. Kimla and I just wanted to take a couple minutes today and just talk about one of the topics that we see kind of surfacing a lot in our monthly weekly membership live calls that we have. And it really is kind of the secrecy is the topic there that a lot of family members feel like they are being asked to hold a secret or to live in secrecy or being.
Forced to hold a secret.
Oh, good point. Or being forced. And so I just want to kind of point out that when we love someone, it's natural. It's innate for us to want to protect that person. And so we want to protect that person from any harm that we think may come to them. We want to protect ourselves from any harm that may come because of something that they're doing, like engaging in any kind of addictive behavior. We want to protect our family. And so oftentimes, when we're dealing with addiction, because it is such a shameful process and such a lonely, secret process, that there's a lot of protection that then gets put in the wrong direction. So we just. We just wanted to kind of shine a light on that.
So what happens when we keep secrets is it builds up chemicals in our brain that aren't good for us, and it causes us a lot of anxiety. And the way that manifests itself is we ruminate. And in that rumination, we tell the story over and over. And we have a lot of. It's tied very directly to codependency, which is what will or will not happen if I do or do not do this. So if I tell this secret, if this gets out, if other people know, if the school finds out, if his mom knows, if. If our children find out, like, all that, if our friends find out. And so we hold this secret, but then in doing so, we are living in a world of shame and a life of loneliness and isolation, which is exactly what happens with addiction. Like with our loved ones. That's what they're doing. The whole world is out there spinning, and it looks like they're participating in it, but they're actually ruminating on their addiction. We do the same thing. I can remember going to work and not being able to focus on what I was supposed to be doing as the boss. And someone will say, where are we on this topic? And I'd be like, what? Sorry. Totally stuck in my world over here. Not. Not that I said that. I lied and said, oh, totally on track. I'll have that to you guys tomorrow morning. We'll meet about that tomorrow. So remember that. That's what that happens. And what happens with that is we live in that brown out phase that is really not conducive to functioning well or feeling good about ourselves.
And with the rumination, I think it's important to be able to identify, like our brains are designed to know the ending. We, we really, we don't live, we don't function well with cliffhangers in our brain. And so what happens is our brain, then we have this scary thing. We're trying to protect ourselves or our loved one. So then we anticipate what's going to happen next. We're trying to answer the end, we're trying to figure out the cliffhanger. And so then that's where the rumination comes in. What if, if this, then that speaking, you know, kind of piggybacking on what Campbell said. And so then that just creates more of the stress chemicals it. In the codependency process and then it engages in more of an isolating experience for us, mirroring what happens to the person that's struggling with addiction.
Because we don't know the answer.
Right.
We just flat out don't know the answer. And, and we can't even conceive of what the answer might be at the beginning. Right. Or even the middle. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes at the end.
Right.
So what the way to, to mitigate that, you guys, is to. Is to share it. To find either an online family group, there's a lot of them out there. Join membership would be a good solution. But. Or, or find a counselor or absolutely find one or two family members or dear friends that you can share this with. I remember the relief I felt when I finally screwed up the courage to let it out to my dearest friend in the world who mercifully said the exact right thing, which is just. I'm so sorry. One of the reasons we hold it is when we do begin to share it. Some people are judgmental or say the wrong thing. Mostly ignorance. Not, not maliciously it, by and large, but. But that causes us to sort of retreat and keep the secret again. So think it through. I don't average. I don't ever recommend, you know, hiring the Goodyear blimp to fly over your house saying, ooh, addiction problem here. But find one or two people that you can share it with. Find a support group. You are going to feel better. The palpable sense of relief, even in our live calls, when someone brings up a topic, there's no judgment. They don't have to explain it. They don't have to swear to Buddha that they're really good parents or this is a really nice person or that they've been married to 10 years and he's a nice guy. They don't have to do that because everybody gets it. So that helps really spread that out to a more comfortable level. So that's what I would do is figure out who that can be. So our membership is open again this week and that membership comes with all kinds of information as well as access to the live calls and a reduced rate for our if you want a general counseling service. But that's going to come if you buy it between now and next Friday. You can join it at any point in time. But if you do it between now and next Friday, you're going to have access to Reclaiming youg Power and Purpose, which is a series of 36 videos where Amber, me and Kim talk about the values behind the essence of recovery. And we do it through stories, through our voices. So that's going to be your freebie if you join. And it's a really good. Maybe it's, it's worth it cuz those are really good videos. So hopefully this was helpful and you guys can either feel included in the club and understand why you have the shame and you can have picked up a tiny tidbit to do something about it and to make yourself feel better and have a sense of connection to other people. Thanks a lot you guys. Hope this was helpful. Bye. Bye.
