Sober at 21- Caleb's Story

How did you get here actually? Like, did your mom force you? Like, how did you actually, like, wind up in here? Like, did your mom call and force you? Did you say, I'm gonna talk to somebody? How'd that happen?

One day I was in my room, and I was actually on some substance. I really don't even remember what I was on, but I just, like, felt, like, so vulnerable. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, really. And I was like, if I don't, like, say something now while I'm feeling this way, there's no telling how much longer it's gonna be before I feel this way again.

You're having a moment of clarity.

And my mom, for some reason, came in my room, and it was so weird that this happened like this. She was like, do you think that you might need some help? And I was like, yeah, I don't think that.

She must have felt it.

I think she did. That is some extraterrestrial. Moms have the door that trips me out.

It's a tree sound.

It's something crazy.

All right, Caleb, so how old were you when you had your first drug experience?

I was 14 years old.

And how old are you now?

21.

So you're 21, and you got sober.

When you were in 2017. So that was two years ago. So I was 18 at the time, I think. And then I started to turn 19, like, right around the time. Okay.

What's it like to be sober before 21? I mean, tough. That's crazy to think about, isn't it?

Yeah. Especially because, like, if I'm, like, something I like to do, like, for fun, like, being sober is, like, go to concerts and stuff like that. So, like, when there's all the other people around and they're, like, younger than me, and they're just, like, off all kinds of drugs and just, like, whatever. It's just, like. It's weird being, like, young and doing this. Yeah.

Was it hard to turn 21 and not go out and get wasted? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it was, for sure.

So you're 20. You were 19 when you got sober. You're 21 now, and the first drug use was when you were. What'd you say I was?

14.

You were 14? Can you tell me that story?

That was just a day that I had off school. It could have been, like, a teacher's work day or something like that. Had been interested in, like, trying weed for a really long time.

What got you, like, interested? Like, do you hear people talking about it?

Yeah, it was mainly just like older people, like throughout the school pretty much is what it was. And so I was just like very curious about it. Just like pretty normal, I guess.

What's all that about?

Some point. Yeah.

Okay.

And so I met up with my friend that had done it like one time before. And the school I was at, it was either like, you came from this one school, this was like really good kids, or a different school that was like pretty like at the time, like they seem rough. And so the school, the high school we meet, and those were the guys like I went to. And I was like, yo, you knew where to go. Yeah, I was what I call like a goofy at the time. Like didn't know anything about anything. And me and my friend I was with, we just, he texted them and he was like, hey, do you think me and Caleb could come meet you guys and like smoke for like his first time? And they're like, pretty cool about it. So we went to this place and the place is called the Bowl. It's. It's like a place where kids go with their jeeps and they like go off roading.

Okay.

Basically. So it was like very hard to find at first. I didn't feel like anything like nothing happened. And then I feel like that it was somewhat like, okay, I'll go back and do it again.

And then I must have did it wrong.

Yeah, kinda. But then I'd also heard people saying like their first time, like something that has to do with the brain, like it just doesn't like register the first time.

Other people have a panic attack. Yeah, sometimes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm glad that didn't happen.

Well, maybe it would be better if it did.

Yeah, probably, honestly.

Okay, so you didn't get it right the first time, but you weren't giving up going in there.

Yeah, definitely not.

So what happens in the story after that then?

Oh, so we met them and smoked and then we went and got some on our own because they sent us to the guy that had some, which is actually another one of their friends from the rough side of town or whatever. And so we just met up with him and we got some. He probably like shorted us. Don't even know. Didn't really care at the time. Yeah, because they're goofy like what we were. And so. Yeah, and then we tried to go like roll a blunt and it just was the worst.

This is almost time though.

Yeah, it was horrible. And you couldn't even like smoke it or anything like that. And so I just like gave up for that day. Okay. But we did it, like, at a church, which I felt kind of weird about that, cuz, like, at that time still, I was, like, going to church with my family, like, every Sunday.

So you got the guilty kind of.

That felt really bad then.

Okay.

Yeah.

So when did it start getting problematic? How did that happen?

It wasn't that long after weed that I moved to, like, pills. I would say it was probably like, three or four months maybe. And then the first time doing that is when, like, I thought it might turn into a problem. Okay.

So really, when you were smoking weed before you did the pills, were you smoking at, like, a lot automatically, or just every now and then?

Just every now and then. Okay. Yeah.

So that would kind of fall into, like, normal teen experimentation.

I would say. So, yeah.

So what made you decide to do pills?

My friends were just trying them and they liked it was because we were too young to get alcohol at the time. They were saying it kind of made them feel like they were drunk.

Okay.

Like, had that kind of effect with it, so I wanted to try that.

What pills were they?

Xanax, of course.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

Of course.

You're saying of course, like.

Like, just like, everyone, obviously.

Amber.

Yeah. Pretty much just like, how it is these days, really.

Okay. Were you nervous about that?

Yeah, but the effect that I saw that it had on them and like, just how, like, mellow they were at some points, I was like, okay, it's not gonna be that bad.

Okay.

I was worried about getting something, like, mixed in there with it, though. That was the one thing that I did worry about.

Okay.

Yeah.

Like, what if somebody slips on the outside?

Yeah.

Okay. So you did the Xanaxes or whatever they were, and you were like, oh, this could be a problem in your head.

Oh, yeah. When I first, like, popped it and then I was like, I don't know how I feel about that. Like, that's a little bit harder.

Like, crossed a big line, a bigger line.

Yeah. Yeah.

Is that why you thought this could be a problem or. It was, like, I thought when you were saying it, you meant, like, I liked it so much, I thought, oh, this could be a problem.

It was kind of both, I think, just because, like, I had my morals from, like, middle school that, like, maybe weed is okay one day. But then, like, I never thought, like, pills or anything like that.

It's a line you thought you wouldn't cross.

Yeah. Right.

After you did that the first time, did you start using pretty regularly or. No.

I started thinking about it a lot more. I didn't really use that much more until like, a few months after that.

Okay.

And then I was about like 15 or like 15 at the time.

Yeah. Okay.

So then.

Yeah. Why'd you start using more? Just because. When do you think, looking back, was it, like, a problem?

The first time I really realized it was. I think I took, like, $5 from my mom or something like that. She told me to go get her purse to bring. Bring it to her so she could pick out some money for me. And I ended up taking, like, $5 extra for the drugs. So that was the first time I was like, okay, that's really, like, not good at all. Never would have thought about doing that at all.

So you're like, okay, I really crossed the line. Yeah.

Like, it was enough doing the pills, but then stealing for the pills. That was like, I really don't feel good about that at all. Yeah.

But didn't stop you. No.

Okay. No, it did not.

Then what happened?

Pretty much. So that was like, anywhere between, like, 15, 16. The first time that I thought I was getting called was I was in my bonus room talking to my mom, and my sister was in her room, was across from mine, and she was walking downstairs because I could hear her, and she stopped and. And I had weed in my room, and I knew that she smelt it, like, right off the bat. And she was like, mom, can you come in here for a second? And my mom goes in there and she comes back and she didn't say anything at all, which I was pretty surprised about. But then I came out and told her.

Mom or your sister?

My mom.

Okay.

My sister noticed it and then called my mom in there. And then my mom came back to where I was at, but she didn't say anything. And that was scary of your heart.

Like, I just. Watching you remember, I can see your heart beating.

Yeah, that was very scary.

But then you just confessed it.

Yeah.

Why?

I don't know. Like, I really don't. I feel like I still could have, like, gotten away with it, but at the same time, I feel like she knew for sure at that point. Yeah. And, like, your mom knows what we smell. Yeah, of course. Yeah. But, yeah, like, just that feeling of, like, you know, that your parents know something that you're doing. That feeling, like, that was the first time I really felt that. And that killed till I feel that.

Okay.

Yeah.

You still have conscious of this part of the story.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right. So it's like you have these moments where you're, like, aware that you don't, like, Your behavior. Yeah, but you're still doing it anyways. Yeah, but you have these little moments. It's like, hey, what are you doing?

Yeah. Yeah. From, like, the pills, it went to, like, party drugs, which I count as, like, ecstasy, molly, acid, mushrooms, like, hallucinogenic. And that. That took off, like, more than, like, the pills did. And with that, that was scary for me because, like, I felt like I was, like, really going insane. Like, even when I wasn't on those drugs, like, still having just, like, crazy thoughts and, like, thinking that I'm seeing things. And I just could never, like, give my brain a break, though. I just, like, was not gonna stop. And then, like, here and there, like, a few overdoses, which, like, to put my parents through that, that was, like, killer, too. But that was, like. Once I got to that point, then, like, those moments of clarity, like, stopped. Like, I just was like, if I'm gonna, like, overdose, and I'm just gonna overdose, and there's, like, that's just how it's gonna be.

You got to the efforts. Yeah, eventually.

Yeah. We all went and, like, had a lake house, and, like, it was real fun. One of my friends offered me, like, a Xanax, and I had already taken some of my mom's promethazine as well. That.

What is that?

Promethazine? It's actually, like, an antihistamine, like, allergy thing kind of. But if you take enough of it, you just get, like, drowsy.

Okay.

And so I mixed that with the Xanax I was given and just, like, drinking all night. For some reason, I did not fall asleep that night. My friend took me home or took me to my car, somehow got home. Really don't remember that at all. I would say that was my first, like, blackout, kind of. And then, like, I just hit the bed when I got home and, like, was out for, like, 17 hours or so.

Okay.

So I slept all the way from, like, 12 one day to, like, the next morning, which, like, I just don't do that normally.

So your parents. It's the night after the day after prom.

Yeah.

And they can't wake you up. They must have been scared.

Yeah. Like, eventually, like, coming to and then, like, seeing them above me and just knowing that, like, I did something wrong, but I still was, like, very, like, out of it. I couldn't, like, form sentences. So that was very scary to, like, put them through that.

Do you have a moment that you feel like looking back? Like, that was my bottom.

I would say, like, because there had been multiple times that that happened. The biggest one for me was when I had gotten into rehab over at a place called Safety Net. I actually ended up getting like 20 days clean, then had my appendix was about to bust and so I had the surgery. My mom held onto my pills for pain when I got out, but I knew where the pills were at the house still. And since I had been gone recovery, not living at home, they had moved the pills back into the cabinet where they were normally at.

They weren't like on guard as much. Okay.

Yeah. And so I had waited for my mom to give me my pill for the night to like help me sleep and let the pain go away. And I waited for her and I cheeked it, which means, like, I just like put it on the side of my gum and like spit it back out when she left and went downstairs, which was horrible because I was in. That's like the worst pain I've ever been in. Like, ever.

Like, you needed the pain medicine?

Yeah.

For pain.

Yeah.

Like you should have took it.

Yeah. But ended up making it downstairs. This total was probably like a 25 minute trip for me to get up out of the chair, go downstairs, get more pills that I knew was in the cabinet, make it back upstairs.

It's like a movie where someone's like shy and they're like.

Yeah, pretty much. And like had time to like drink a little bit of my mom's wine down there, which I was. I don't even know why I did that, but I did got all the pills and then just like went back upstairs to my chair. Could barely like sit back down in the chair, but finally got in there and then just. I just remember like eating pills like the rest of the night.

One of the worst, like desperate, you know, it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You like put yourself through all that torture.

Yeah.

Because you would come in a group and you would say, I'm just fucking weird or whatever. And then we would say, caleb, got something. You would say, I'm gonna cut back.

Yeah.

Remember that?

Yeah.

We'd say, alright, Caleb, tell us what you're gonna do. And then you come the next, like two days later, be like, did you do it? You're like, nah. Every week it went on for weeks.

Yeah, it did. I'm surprised y' all actually let me stay that long. Honestly. I thought y' all would have like kicked me out then or something.

We wanted you to figure out that you couldn't do that. Like, we knew you couldn't do that, but we needed you to figure out that. That cut back then wasn't gonna work. Yeah. So we were just letting you figure that out.

Yeah.

What happened that you finally decided to go to Greenville Transitions? Because I don't even remember. It got bad.

The recovery place that I was at, he passed away, which. That was big. And, like, I feel like a lot of people there kind of, like, gave up a little bit after that had happened because he was like, the main person there that, like, everyone went to. One of my friends, real close friends, fell off, like, pretty much like a two story porch. And so, like, that was really rough. She's. She was, like, not good for, like, a while. And that was very scary.

You didn't know if she's gonna live.

Yeah.

Or be able to walk or anything. You were pretty upset about that.

And that was one of, like, the friends that, like, I was like, just like, real easy to talk to, really. And, like, I didn't have, like, a lot of that.

Like, you really felt like you trusted her, felt connected to her.

Yeah, for sure. Okay.

So those two things happened, and then how did they get you to go to gt? Like, did you just go willingly?

At first they wanted me to do a wilderness program up in North Carolina, and I really did not want to do that. I'm fine with it being outside for like a day or so, but not really, like, camping, being out for a while. No, not at all. They wanted me to do that. And I was just like, if there's any other thing I can do to get into Transitions, like, I'll do it.

Okay.

And so they're like, okay. The owner of transitions, David McNeese, was. Got on the phone with him one day, and he was like, hey, man, if you think you can make it two weeks at your home without any drugs, then you can have your spot here at Grandma Trinity.

I do remember that now. Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you. Did you actually make those two?

I made it.

You actually.

I actually made it.

How'd you do that?

There was a lot of contemplating if I. Because I easily. I was on lockdown. Mama Bear, like, stepped in. Yeah. There was nothing I could do without going, seeing, really.

Okay.

Which I still could have, like, gotten someone to, like, deliver me something or something like that. Just really chose, like, not to, but. And then there was a few times where, like, she left her door open and I wanted to go in there and, like, steal some of her pills, but I didn't.

It was like a battle in your head?

Pretty much, yes. I literally just like. You think I play video games a good bit that was, like, the most I've ever played video games, like, in my life.

Okay. You're just like, let me just focus on this game because I can't think about anything right now.

Pretty much.

What was your experience like there?

GTs was, like, awesome for me, really, like, that group of guys knowing that I could have, like, sober people and, like, be able to tell them things, like how I told, like, that one friend and them just, like, not judging me for it, really.

Do you feel comfortable?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

But at gt, you have to go to, like, meetings.

I did. I had one at the first recovery place I was at, but didn't do anything. Just made no effort with it, really.

Okay.

When I got to GTs, I had to make an effort with it, which that's what it was at first. Like, I have to do this to get out of here eventually. Then I started, like, calling him on my own, like, wanting to meet up with him, because I could see, like, the difference that the 12 steps was doing, like, for my life.

So when you first went to gt, did you. Was there a part of you? Did you want to get sober or you just, like, I'm not going to the woods?

I did want to get sober. That I wanted to see. Really my main interest at the time was, am I really crazy? Like, without these drugs, am I going to keep seeing things? I need to give my brain, like, enough time.

You were scared. You were scared to, like, seriously damage yourself.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah. What kind of things would happen that was scaring you so much?

If I would, like, stare at something, Like, I could stare at, like, a blank wall, and after, like, a few seconds, if I just, like, stared, there could, like. Like, a pattern could form or, like, it, like, I know it sounds, like.

Really crazy, but you could make yourself trip almost?

Pretty much, yeah. Which, like, that did, like, add some excitement to my day, like, having that there. But it got to the point where I was like, I'm not on drugs anymore. And this is, like. Like, really scary.

Like, got really. Like, you couldn't control it.

Wasn't like you could turn it on or off. And, like, each time it started to happen, like, it was pretty much just like a panic attack after that. Just, like, in my head. Not really, like, freaking out on people or anything like that, but. Yeah.

Is that good? You were getting scared?

Yeah. Yeah.

What's the hardest part about getting sober?

For me, personally, I think it's different for everyone. For me, it's like cutting off the old friends. There's no other Way to put it. Like, that just has to go for me. Like, that had to go for me to, like, have time to, like, think about what I need to get going, like, for myself.

So you've been sober now for.

On August 23rd, it'll be two years.

You'll be two years sober on August 23rd. What is the thing about your life that's most different?

This most different? Probably just that I can just, like, show myself to the world. Just like, it's who I am, really, without, like, all the insecurities. Really had a lot with, like, acne and, like, stuff like that, which, like, a lot of that came from, like, the drug use too. So that's kind of covered, closed off. Yeah. I would, like, have my hat, like, very low. Yeah. Did not want anyone to, like, look into me. Like, look into my eyes and just, like, see, like, how, like, brittle and, like, weak I was like, as a person. Really?

That's different.

That's a really good one, I would say. I do pretty much just like. I'm really just concerned with, like, coming here, like, my girlfriend, my dog.

Because you have a serious girlfriend now.

I do have a serious girlfriend, yeah.

And you have an anniversary coming up.

Yeah, it'll be one year, March 31st. Yeah. Yeah.

And she's been with you. You've been in recovery the whole time she's been with you?

We started talking before I was out of greenwood transitions, which I don't know if that's, like, the best for everybody. I hear, like, sometimes, like, a girlfriend or like, someone for you, like, early recovery is, like, not always the best.

I know normally we disapprove of that, but for some reason I remember we were kind of okay with it. I think everyone liked, like, the girl or something.

Yeah.

So we just were. Gave you a pass.

Yeah, no, she's been, like, such a huge part. Really. Like, I can't, like, express that enough.

How did you have that conversation with her? Is that awkward? Like, in a brand new.

I think she kind of, like, was into that a little bit.

Okay. Chicks dig sobriety.

I don't know about that, but, yeah, I think just, like, somewhat she could see that I was, like, somewhat trying to, like, get my stuff together.

I think chicks do do that.

I think.

I think they do.

I don't see why they wouldn't. Because if they mess around with someone that's just, like, going out all the time or just, like, that's all that.

They'Re focused on, you get, like, reformed bad boy status.

Yeah.

That's awesome. Okay. And you have a dog.

Yeah, a French bulldog. His name is Jibwa.

And I remember you told us for like this. It was like. It was almost like you were adopting a kid. Cause for a year.

Yeah. He had to like, be conceived and learned.

He called us like all along. He was like.

And I was on the waiting list for like months and months.

Yeah, it was like an adoption like that. Legit.

And then he finally came to be.

Is there any one thing that you would want to tell anybody that's like young and early in recovery or young and thinking about getting in recovery?

You just gotta be honest with yourself, like right off the start, really. Because, like, the longer you put off things that. And I'm not saying just be completely hunter transparent with everyone. Cuz like, I don't think everyone deserves to like, know all about you or like what's happened to you or. But the quicker that you like, are able to like, build connection with someone and like, tell them about yourself, like how you really are, let your wall down. Yeah. Then like, that's when you like, you first started, like, make progress. I feel like that was like a big thing for me, really.

You gotta get vulnerable. Yeah, we talk about that in our group all the time.

Yeah, we just talked about that too.

We gotta get some vulnerability.

Seriously? Yeah, seriously. Yeah.

That's the biggest thing, I think, Sam.

Religion.