Sober Living House Rules and Expectations (Most Families Just Don't Get It)

In this video, you're going to see David McNeese. Now, he's the owner of Greenville Transition, which is a really awesome young men in recovery program right here in Greenville. And we're going to talk to you guys about some of the really big mistakes that we see parents make that honestly sabotage the whole treatment process. Now, we totally understand that parents usually make these mistakes out of fear. They're being held hostage by fear all the time. Fearful if they do certain things, bad things will happen, or if they don't do certain things, bad things will happen. But we really want to help you get out of that mode. It is time to start making decisions strategically and not emotionally. Now, if you're new to our channel, I'd like to say, hey, welcome to Put the shovel down. This YouTube channel is designed specifically to help you understand the psychology of addiction. Because if you understand it, you can stay five steps ahead of it. So if you haven't already, I'd like to take the opportunity to invite you to subscribe because I this channel, you're going to find all the pieces of information you need to beat addiction for good. If you've got a child in a sober living home, you have to watch this video because we're going to tell you the five biggest things that parents get sucked into that really sabotage the whole sober living home experience. Don't you think?

Yeah. Okay, let's get started.

I'm Amber Hollingsworth. I'm a master addiction counselor.

And this is David McNeese. I'm a founder of Greenville Transitions. I've been working in the recovery industry for six years. So I've dealt with a lot of guys that come through recovery residences or sober living homes.

And so you've seen a lot of sabotaging.

Plenty, plenty of it.

And so this, this video, I think the thing for parents to know about this is you spent a lot of time getting your kid to go to treatment, and it probably wasn't easy at all to get them talked into going to sober living. And let's not even go into how much you're paying for the sober living. So for goodness sake, like, don't sabotage it. Because if so, you just totally sabotaged all your investment and money and throwing it away. Totally don't do that. Parents.

Yeah. So the first one that I came up with is how much spending money they get. And this could look different at different programs for us. At Greenville Transitions, we use a card, it's called a true link card, that we load money onto and they can have up To a certain amount a month. Well, you know, they may complain about that to their families, and the family may say, oh, well, maybe they're not getting enough. Maybe we should, like, send them some extra vape juice or tennis shoes or whatever it may be, or skin cream. Yeah. You just never know.

Right.

But what it does ultimately for us is this is more than a sober living home. Right. So we're trying to teach life skills as well. And one of those is budgeting and how to work within a budget. So we're providing their food, we're providing their transportation. The necessities are taken care of. So, you know, $10 a day on a trulink card isn't a bad start. And if they run out early, that's a good life lesson. It's a great life lesson to have to figure out, okay, well, next month I'm gonna have to do better with this because now I don't have my nicotine or now I can't go into chick fil A and get my chicken sandwich.

It's about, can you tolerate your child being uncomfortable? And a lot, you know, David, a lot of times they're dealing with the person that's in sober living. And we a lot deal with the families. And so I'll get calls. And it's funny because it's the families, the ones that are giving all the extra money that are complaining to us like, they can't counselor about, like, why the kid isn't learning budgeting. You know, it's like, are they gonna talk to them about budget? And the problem is a parent thinks that if the counselor or the recovery coach talks to the kid about budgeting, that's gonna fix the problem, and then they'll quit asking the parent for money. That's not gonna fix the problem. There's only one thing that's gonna fix the budgeting problem, and that's learning the hard way. I hate to say it, but it's. You know, a lot of times I think families or parents particularly, they think if someone has this magic words to have a talk with them about it, yeah, it's gonna fix it. But if you're reinforcing it by constantly, like, making it comfortable, making sure, you know, if they run out of money, you need to get excited. You mean. Yeah, we're learning budgeting today instead of you're freaking out because they're uncomfortable.

Yeah, you've got to be willing to let that happen. I mean, if you continue to catch them in somewhat of a safety net every time they start to Fall. They're really not taking any life lessons away from that experience.

I think, David, I think one of the things that's hard to understand because when we talk to the families a lot is the families have a hard time making the connection between some of these little things, because these aren't. These things we're going to talk to you about are not things directly related to drugs or alcohol. So sometimes it's hard to make the connection between what do these things have to do with sobriety? But in our mind, it has everything to do with sobriety, because recovery is about learning to live life on life's terms. And addicts and alcoholics tend to want to manipulate those terms, create their own terms, find ways around the system. And all of these things are directly related to staying clean and sober. It's about learning to tolerate uncomfortableness. It's about learning to live within parameters. It's about learning to stay within my budget and all those kind of things.

Yeah, I mean, I'm in recovery myself, and for me, Amber knows I'm a pretty big rule follower. I like to follow the rules. And that goes with, like, banking rules. That goes with IRS rules. I mean, there's a lot of rules in life that we have to follow. And for me, it's about keeping my side of the street clean. Because while I'm in recovery, the more I start messing up and irs thousands of dollars, and I've got all of these charges at the bank, and I'm lying to this person. I'm going back into my old habits, my old lifestyle of using, and that's the first place I want to turn when my life starts falling apart. It's like, oh, well, you know, I could just get high. That'll take care of a lot of this, at least temporarily.

It's like you could create so much financial unmanageability in your life that that could then lead you back to using, I guess. And so it's just understanding the connection between some of these things, which may feel like behavioral things or, you know, sometimes it's like manners. It's basically following the rules kind of things. And parents, they don't realize that they're sabotaging recovery because they're not connecting that to drugs and alcohol. Yeah, but being in recovery is like, in a complete overhaul, the least of which has to do with drugs and alcohol. Yeah.

Yeah, Okay, I agree.

What's number two?

So, number two, we have family contact and visiting, and I kind of. You know, another rule we have here at Greenville Transitions is we ask for 45 days that the family not come hang out with their son. We want that 45 days to be spent getting to know the people in the house, getting to know their recovery network around Greenville, figure out what meetings they like going to, finding a sponsor, starting with steps, figuring out how the gym works. You know, there's a lot of things to just get to know, integrate in. Yeah.

Become part of. And so you want them to spend that time doing that. And then on our end, I was. When David was telling me this was on list, I was like, oh, let me. Let me add to that. Well, that's important because those first, especially the first, like, two weeks, they're probably going to have, like a run reflex. They're probably, at some point in those. That first month, they're going to think, oh, crap, like, what did I get myself into? Like, I changed my mind. They're just going to have like a get me out of here, you know, because. Because they're going to be facing so many new obstacles, and it's not going to be easy. And they're going to be craving and wanting to use drugs. Imagine that. And so they're going to want a jet. And if you put yourself in front of them or talk to them too much on the phone, you're just doing yourself a disservice because they're going to be badgering you, they're gonna be wearing you down, they're gonna play your heartstrings, they're gonna manipulate you. If you haven't seen those manipulation videos, make sure you watch those, because they're gonna be pulling all the cards. And if they're sitting in front of your face, it's even that much harder to hold the line. So do it for them because they're integrating, or do it for yourself, either.

Which way we've seen it time and time again, they will pull out those heartstrings.

And if you'll just hold, that little period will pass. It's usually the first two weeks, I think, are the worst of it. But it can happen that first month or so.

Yeah. I would even say as far as two months, depending on, like, what they're coming in for.

Okay.

And that's a big thing I've noticed is that depending on the substance, you know, an alcoholic acts a lot different than someone who's abusing marijuana or someone who's hooked on opiates. Time frames for when things happen are a lot different.

Like when things get tough, when they hit the wall, it's kind of like.

Okay, or like alcoholics, for example. If someone comes in here and they're just an alcoholic, in a lot of cases, like, they're ready to, like, go back and start work or school faster than someone who comes in. Opiates or methamphetamine, something like that. So you have to take those things into account. I'm not sure. Do you have an idea?

I mean, I have some guesses, but just, like, literally, I thought of, like, as you said it.

Yeah. I want to say just, like, mentally, the toll that it takes on you mentally, like, marijuana is a big one. I see guys come in that are just. Yeah. They don't have physical withdrawals, but the mental withdrawals.

Oh, the psychological part, right.

Yeah. Like, they struggle hardcore with the fears of getting back into the real world.

It's like a lower level, but lasts longer. It's like a more prolonged.

Yes.

Okay, that makes sense. I think the only thing about the alcohol that makes me think total guesses is, like, alcoholics. That's why I love some alcoholics. They tend to be real, like a type personalities. I mean, alcoholics in general, I find are, like, real, like, driven, ambitious people. So I think that's part of it. And my other guess would be some of the other drugs, like pain pills, opiate, heroin, Some of that creates way more unmanageability, faster. And so put in your life, you've got a longer. Like, you got a bigger hole to dig out of. And so maybe that's another reason why I think alcoholics usually have some relationship damage and maybe some DUIs, but some of the other drugs, there's, like, a lot more damage to repair.

Definitely.

Just my guesses.

Yeah, I think those are.

So they're hiding out. Like, they don't even want. They're like, I don't even want to go to work. They're freaked out. Yeah. Yeah.

So number three, let me look at my handy dandy notes. Not having enough to do. We hear this all the time here with, you know, they're just not doing enough. I think they're too bored. Could you take them out to do more things? When in reality, what we're hearing on our side of the street is that, oh, can we just please go home? I would just love to lay in my bed. We've been out all day. We've been to the grocery store, to the gym, to volunteer. But it's a good example of how they like. It's splitting, right? Splitting the parents against the recovery team, the treatment team. And they're trying to make a case for like, why you should pull me from this program.

They're using that as something they feel like is a good pitch to get something else. Usually when they say that, like, I hear that a lot, it's like, we're bored, we're not doing enough. And then the parents will say, why don't they keep them busier? But you guys actually keep the guys a lot more involved than most places. I'd say go to the gym. Like you guys are like doing something almost all the time.

Yeah, I mean, I'd say the majority of the complaints we hear around the house is, can we just go home? Can we just sit still for a minute?

You know what that reminds me of my son, he's eight. He's all about video games now. He doesn't leave the house at all. Yeah, it doesn't matter. If I said, let's go to like Disney, he'd be like, can we go home now? Because he's thinking about like Fortnite. It's eight o', clock, the item shop just came out. Like, I gotta see what's on. Like, can we go home? That's what it reminds me of. Because he is addicted to the video games. Yeah, I have some to gt.

Yeah.

He'S coming your way, dude. Oh, no.

All right, all right, so number four, we have. I wrote down too much too soon. And this is relating to work and school where, you know, especially after parents are hearing like, oh, I'm bored, we're just not doing much around here. They're like, oh, we could fix that. Like, why don't you go work 40 hours? Or why don't you become a full time student? And what I've seen is a lot of parents want them to dive right back into that, like head first into school or work to keep them busy. And it's not a good move from what we've seen. Like recovery is the main piece here. That's what we have to keep our. Our number one focus has to be on recovery. So it's good to at least start out. I'm not saying this lasts forever, but to start out with a part time job, let's ease in to 20 hours and maybe next month we'll work our way up to 30 or 25 and school the same thing. Let's just start off with one or two classes and then we can always like tack onto that and maybe by next semester you'll be taking five. I don't know, let's see how it goes. But for us it's important to start off Slow.

Oh, yeah. I think this applies, too. If your kid's not even in sober living, we just see this as the families, because usually your young person is, like, way behind the curve of what they should be at their age. And so the family, number one, they're tired of, like, supporting everything. They're tired of paying for everything. They're worried because they're behind with their peers in college. And so the family wants them to hit the ground running because they're like, you're behind the eight ball. Like, we gotta get caught up. But that is a huge mistake because it's really. It's almost like a matter of willpower. Like, in the beginning, we want all of their willpower focused on getting sober, learning new ways, learning to make. By just learning all these other things. Distress, tolerance. And if you throw in a new job or classes, then obviously their focus is going to be on that and everything else is going to come secondary. So it's a matter of understanding what the focus is. Like, you definitely don't want to throw that in too fast. And parents do that. Not, like, purposefully trying to sabotage, just not really realizing. Yeah.

I think in life, a lot of times we get caught up thinking of the things that we need to survive. So what jumps to the top of that list is our job or our school or our relationship. Those are very important things to us. And it takes a while to wrap your head around that. Like, no, for an addict or alcoholic, it takes recovery. Recovery comes first to survive and then the job. And then, you know, because the things.

That they're learning here, they're learning how to be the kind of person that can keep a job, that can manage their money, that can go to class consistently and do what they're supposed to. And so it's kind of like if you put the cart before the horse sort of thing. It just doesn't end well.

Yeah. My sponsor said to me one time that it's look at it like juggling, like, recovery. That's where we start off in phase one at Greenville Transitions. You've got one ball that you're throwing up and down. Later we add in a job. So now you've got two balls. Later you may add in a relationship, then you've got three. And you've got to take that slow and really learn how to hone in your juggling skills. Because if not, you know, recovery could be that first ball to drop, and that can't happen. So that's the point where I was going with, like, with life, the important things Seem like work, school, relationship. That recovery piece, it's got to be.

Up there like a prereq or something. Like, don't put yourself in, like, advanced organic chemistry or something when you haven't taken.

Exactly.

Chemistry one. Like, don't jump the gun. Okay. Yeah, Got it.

So let's go on to number five. So I already mentioned this earlier, but it's turning parents against staff. Splitting is another term we use for that. And I'm sure you've heard it before in other videos.

I'm sure you've seen this at home. Like, before your kid was gone, your kid was splitting between family members. Like, there's no doubt in my mind if there's a two parents, they were pitting those parents against each other. Or if there was a grandparent, they were pitting the parent against the grandparent. Or the teachers and the parents or the work and the friends. Whatever it is. It's just what they do.

Yeah.

We have a whole video about it.

Mine was my dad.

Your dad?

Oh, yeah.

What'd you do?

Mom would always say no, and I could just. He was just the easy one.

Dads, you're always the easy one.

I was just split. Maybe it was because I was the only boy. I don't know.

I don't know. Like, 99% of the time, it's the dads.

Yeah.

Yeah. The mom is the bad cop, and the dads are the good cop.

Yeah. And then we see that in our program. You know, it's the best thing that they could do is get their parents upset with the treatment team. Whether it's their therapist, whether it's the recovery coach, whether it's the program manager, they're gonna treat you like. Now the program becomes mom, and the parents become dad. It's the same thing. It's just a little bit different. Now they're splitting.

There's just a new person in the picture.

Yeah, exactly.

Right. So they're gonna say whatever it is to the family to try to pull that. Heartstrings. Like, the recovery coach was mean to me. Tell me that. Tell them that example you were telling me earlier about. The recovery coach said the one thing, and the kid told the parents. That was a good one.

Yeah. This just happened not too long ago. But the rec coach came in a guy's room. He was supposed to have his bed made by 11:30, and he said, man, that is a sad excuse of a made bed. Well, this guy went and told his parents that. He said, mom, he told me, I'm a sad excuse of A human being. And there you go. That's like.

And then mom calls you up and says, why did you tell my son? Yeah. But there is. Let me tell you something. Before you jump on that bandwagon, I want you to think about the 400 times they told somebody else that kind of stuff about you.

Yeah.

And even if they're dealing with a difficult recovery coach, they're dealing with a difficult teacher, they're dealing with a difficult employer. That is part of life. And so maybe one of the coaches is tougher. Maybe somebody plays more of a hardball. Don't rescue for them from that, because it is a life skill that they have to have. And so I get that it's uncomfortable. And maybe you think, I don't really think that was fair. Part of life is learning to deal with it, learning to navigate for them, to work it out with the person instead of the family intervening. If you jump in there too much, you are totally, like, disabling them from being able to do those life skills. And you know they're gonna have more of it.

Yeah.

Let me just say this. I don't know where your kid's at. If they're at gt, they're being treated fairly. You should see this place. Like, we're at GT right now. This place is nice. They're coming to hope for families, which is totally nice. So if you're worried they're being treated badly, I mean, I guess they could be at a place where they're being treated badly, but it wouldn't be here.

Yeah. There's those places out there, though, so be careful with that, too. Watch out for you do your homework on where they're going.

Right. We have a whole video on that to help you understand the different, like, levels of sober living, how to know the good ones from the bad ones. There's. There's a whole series about that. So if you're really, really worried about it, look into it. Don't even tell the kid that you're buying it. Just play cool and look into it on the side. But definitely don't feed into it with them, because you just. You just ruined it.

Yeah. The best thing to do is to find someone that you do trust that has experience and give that person a call. Ask for suggestions on where you should send your child.

And that's what happens with us. Like, a lot of times the families will say, hey, they said this. What do you think? Which is totally appropriate. And I'll say, yeah, that has some validity. Or like, oh, my. Let me tell you what really happened, you know? So it's okay to ask. But even if you're gonna do that, it's always, like, if your kid's in school and you're mad at the teacher, don't tell your kid you're mad at the teacher. Cause now you've really just created a monster if you do that. Like.

All right, awesome. Well, thanks for tuning in. All right, we'll see you next time.