Stop Feeling Frustrated While Living With Addiction

Hey everyone. So today we're going to talk about how we can go ahead and move from a state of agony into assurance in the relationships that we have with people that are struggling with addiction. So it's natural for all of us to want to feel valued in our relationships and to be valuable in our relationships. It's natural for us to not want to be judged and to be able to express ourselves, rather it's a good moment or a bad moment, without judgment or even weaponization of those emotions. And it's natural for us to want to be seen and heard and understood. The problem is when, when we're in a relationship with someone that's struggling with active addiction, we don't get these things from a relationship. And so without recognizing that, because most people don't recognize that when someone is in active addiction, their number one relationship is with the substance, most people don't have that information. So instead, what they do in the absence of information, they create information. And that information that they often create is, There's something wrong with me. I'm doing something wrong. Why won't they call me back? What's happening? I'm not a good parent. I'm not connected enough. I'm not a good spouse. So you can hear in that without recognizing when I don't have the information as far as I'm going to connect to my substance, then the loving family member is going to create this other thing, which is not true, which is going to support agony. And so when we look at the definition of agony, it's extreme mental or physical pain or fatigue. So if you think about that list of things I said in the beginning, if you're not getting that from your most important relationships, you probably will feel some form of agony. So we want to be able to move people over into a state of assurance. And in a state of assurance is we feel confident in what we're doing and why we're doing it.

I think also, Kim, in the world of addiction, the family members are often talked to, told they're powerless. You don't have any, you don't have any There's nothing you're going to do. You're going to have to just wait till they hit bottom. And this becomes super negating what we want to do. And it just makes us feel really sad and angry and lonely and tired and just desperately wishing so dearly that this would go away. So Alice Walker has a great quote, and it is, the most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any. And that's one of the things that Kim and I love to talk about is we actually have So much power. It's just not acknowledged in the world at large. And in this, in the description where the link is for Beyond Boundaries, if you are struggling with your, your realm of power or your definition of what that is or how you fit into that, check out the Beyond Boundaries course because that, that independent study is a great way for you to reclaim this and to understand where you fit into this puzzle, because that's exactly what addiction is.

Yeah, because a lot of the ways what we do as family members without even recognizing it, we're supporting an agonizing state. And the way that we do this is we do too much. So we, we create these narratives in our head, and they're not, they're not based in nothing. They're based in facts as far as what we have lived. So an example of this could be, if I go to the function with my partner, they're going to drink less. That's probably true in a lot of cases. Or if I intervene in some way, there's probably gonna be less drinking. That's probably true to some extent. The problem with that is we give the false sense of everything's okay to our partner and everything's under control. And that puts a lot of stress on us to be what we need to be, how we need to be, what we need to say, when we need to say it. And that creates agony because again, remember what I said, I can be valuable and I can be me in my relationship and I won't be judged. When we're in a relationship with someone that struggles with addiction, that's not true. That is not how that relationship is functioning. So when we stop chasing them, when we stop chasing their mental health, when we stop chasing their physical health, when we stop chasing all the things that's going to make their life better or push them into a better state, what happens is we start to feel more assured in what we're doing and why we're doing it versus being able to push them into something that really. Is for their benefit, but if they're not ready for it, they're going to push it back on us, which is going to create more agony inside of us.

Or it's even futile. Like, you know, from a parent's perspective, you know, we go to the school to try to fix the attendance problem because they're smoking marijuana outside of the school. They're not going in. Or we take them to the doctor because they have stomachaches because they're taking pain pills. Or we try to fix these things, which causes agony, and that is futile.

Yeah.

But you're spinning all your wheels and your time and your energy, your money, your emotions in attending things that have zero purpose in being attended.

Right. Yeah. And from a spousal standpoint, we often take on things that aren't ours to take on. And some of it's just classic enabling. Some of it is more covert though, where, like I said before, it's, we believe if I show up a certain way, then less bad things are going to happen. And again, that might be true. But that only lasts for a short bit. And on the back end, what it does is it creates this false narrative, which we don't want. And again, that supports the agony, increasing the agony from our side.

It's interesting you just said false narrative, because I think for the addict, like what I call the game-on mode is just, I'm going to get out of the way. I'm going to know exactly what you're doing. I'm not going to do any of these agonal things. I'm going to allow these situations to unfold. As they're set up by by the addict to unfold, I'm going to allow it. It doesn't mean I like it. It doesn't mean I'm giving it you know my papal blessing, but it just means I know why I'm allowing it, and then that causes more of a false negative to the addict, which is she doesn't care, or I can fail out of school and it'll be all right. Like whatever that but but that's really very very helpful when they start to believe their false negative and we start to believe the true negative.

Right.

That's your narrative.

Right. Yeah, that's a good point. And from a spousal standpoint, it can be exactly what Campbell said, but the game on might look a little different, but the definition is the same. You're going to get out of the way so that they can recognize that they have a problem. And so getting out of the way could be that you no longer engage in conversations that you feel are demeaning. You no longer go to functions that you don't want to go to, or you take your own car. You no longer engage with certain parenting styles because it's easier at face value. So these are all things that will rock the boat. But also what it does is it puts you in a position of, I'm going to live the life that I want to live that feels genuine to me. And it's going to cause problems in the person's life that is struggling with addiction. It's going to cause problems in the family, but that's not a bad thing. It's being able to let those problems bubble up to the top.

And even if it doesn't fix the problem, it will certainly bring you more peace because you're not arguing about Whether how many beers you can drink at the party. You're not negotiating, you know, you can have two bourbons and then we're going home. Like you're not negotiating this. You're also not fighting about where they're going, who they're going with. You're not calling ahead and making sure that somebody's parents are going to be there. You are really pulling yourself out of the fracas that which is causing the agony by just taking everything at face value. Doesn't mean we believe it. It just means we. Take it, right?

We're no longer going to the bar and ordering the drinks and watering them down when no one's looking. Like we're not doing that. Nope.

So yeah, I think that that that peace is worth a lot, a lot, a lot of money at this point. Like for us, because we are living in this blender of unpeace, and so by by going toward assurance, which will you know you're gonna have to do some education. You're gonna have to educate yourself about what the disease looks like and feels like, and what some treatment options are. You're gonna have to do some research, but that goes back to what we talk about in our membership all the time, which is, you know, the learning phase. And the learning phase gets you out of the reeling phase. The learning phase takes you into the planning phase. And the whole goal of all that is to get to the thriving phase. So the thriving phase and assurance can be very, very, very exactly the same.

Yeah. You have assurance when you're in the thriving phase. So, and you can have assurance when you're, when you're in the game on phase because you, you have assurance and I am doing this for a very specific reason, even if from the outside it looks like total chaos. And the rest of the world will probably tell you you're making a mistake, or I wouldn't do that, or are you sure? Because it's going to make them anxious. And that's the other thing I want you guys to think about is when we are in a state of agony and we are overperforming, what we're really trying to do is relieve our anxiety. It really is a matter of, I can't tolerate this. This doesn't work for me. This scares me. This messes up my life. And there is truth in that. But so we try to reduce our anxiety, but we don't reduce our anxiety when we are overperforming in someone else's life. So we have to come in and appropriately perform in our own lives. And then our anxiety starts to come down.

And I think this is like a good, like I say all the time, like sometimes doing nothing is doing a whole lot of something. So you're doing twofold here. You're creating the game on phase for them to, for their life to become unmanageable, but you're also building your own more sense of peace, happiness, trust, whatever it is, so that you, you are doing a lot of something both sides of the coin.

Right. So, so just in recap, do less, less planning, less fixing, less talking, do less.

But The other side of the coin, do more for you.

Yeah.

Remember that you like to read. Remember that you can watch a movie. You do not have to stay up fretting about how much you— like, you're, you're going to do a little bit more for yourself. Now, let's not be, you know, naive here and think that just because you watch a video like this or 10 videos like this that you're like, oh man, I feel fabulous. This is all just so easy sneezy and I can't wait to do this. This is just gonna bring joy. It's not. It's just going to bring a little bit of peace, a little bit of rest, a little bit less agony, a little bit more assurance. Like we're not looking for nirvana here, guys. We're just looking for an improvement that you, that you need, you deserve. And frankly, the disease of addiction needs you to have so that it can get worse before it gets better.

Right. Okay. All right.

So good luck on the insurance case.

What'd you say, Campbell?

I said good luck on the assurance chase. And check out, check out the Beyond Boundaries, you guys. It is a really, really great series of videos and questions to lead yourself through to a different space of how am I, how am I living, how am I feeling, how am I functioning around this disease of addiction, and where is my power and where is it not, which is very personal. Like, this is a, this is an external job on some levels as far as like what there is to learn and what there is available to treat, but it's Hugely internal job on what can I tolerate? What can I do? What will I actually do versus what I will actually say? There's often a massive disparity in between that. And so it's really important for people to be able to say, you know what, I'm not gonna be able to do what you're telling me to do.

Right.

Fair enough. Now we'll regroup and go a different way. But if everyone acts like they're going to do exactly what every professional in the world is gonna tell them to do, but secretly know they're not, Well, now we're not helping the loved one at all. We're not helping the family member at all. We're actually causing more agony and turmoil in their own brains because then they have to beat themselves up. I can't hold that boundary versus I'm not going to hold it. So what's a different tactic? All right, so let's see if we have any questions. I'm a functioning alcoholic. I would love to be normal. I do work, pay bills. Can you help me? Absolutely. I would say you might be a really good candidate for Amber's strength-based coaching because that's exactly what we like to deal with is people who are functioning but are aware they have a problem. Like you are the prime candidate to be helped. So absolutely. Married a long time, says I am coming to radical acceptance. I have to be with him for financial reasons. My friend pointed out how mean he is to me, and I don't see it anymore, but the grandchildren are seeing it.

Oh yeah.

So on that one, like, are you not seeing it because you're inured to it? It's become just like constant and chronic. And wait, she's putting— how do I interrupt this behavior without creating the chaos that it will start?

Mm-hmm.

I sometimes, you guys, I just don't think we have to be— we should be afraid of the chaos. That's part of what Kim's saying here is that the agony of smoothing it, the agony of constantly keeping it calm and not chaotic causes you a lot of exhaustion and sadness and anger and not feeling heard, seen, noticed in any relationships. Don't be afraid of chaos. Like, I'm not saying, you know, Start calling him names and, you know, jumping actively into a bad guy role. But if you notice he's being mean or, or someone points that out, then you can say, huh, that's not very kind. Or you can say something so that at least the grandchildren don't think you're a doormat. And whether he stops it or not, you are pointing out that you can see it. I bet you're not seeing it because you're trying to keep the ice smooth.

And you're just Yeah, and your, your threshold is probably much different than someone else's. So I think doing what Campbell said, I think another option, if it really is like, I'm just trying to protect the kids, he's gonna yell and scream and cuss, and I don't want the kids to be around that, and I'm afraid that the parents aren't going to let the kids come over the house if he behaves that way, I totally get that. You are stuck in a rock and a hard place if that's the situation. So in those moments, what I would do is I would just do your best to just get through it, and then I would talk to the kids on the back end. You know, depending on how old they are, so that you're, you're smoothing it over with the kids, or you're processing what happened with the kids. Because you are going to feel like you're— like Campbell said, you're not a doormat and you're not modeling something that's unhealthy or inappropriate for the kids. But you're also not creating a situation where you're like, it's going to be total chaos and he's going to yell and scream and call me names. And I don't— it's, it's better to deal with a backhanded comment than to deal with what he's going to say if I come at him directly. But you know the situation better than we do. But I think either one of those solutions would be be a good approach depending on what the situation actually is.

Yeah. And that might be a conversation you have with your adult children, the parents of the grandchildren, maybe spend less time together or have one of them say dad or something like that so that it is less painful because it's not you giving the pushback, but maybe one of your adult kids whose children are noticing it just to be able to correct it maybe a little More palatably to your husband.

I like that because that really does feel supporting for you. And it also creates the environment that we want for children.

Yeah. All right. This is from Dale. How do we handle the morning conversations after a horrible evening when they want normalcy without enabling the disease being pleasant or becoming the bad guy addressing it directly?

I think in those situations, I think it's okay to not expect them to meet our needs or even to acknowledge our emotions. So let's just like throw that out of the gate. But I think it's okay to be able to tell them, I'm not, I'm, I'm still dealing with last night. You know, I'm not ready to have a conversation. Like, we'll get back to normal, but at this point I just need to do A, B, and C. And again, going back into, they might not like that. They may throw you into the bad guy role. And Campbell and I say this all the time. There's a difference between putting yourself in the bad guy role, being in the bad guy role, and them putting you in the bad guy role. So if you said something similar to what I just said, they might put you in the bad guy role, but you are not being a bad guy.

You could also just say something, not in passing necessarily, but just say, look, I'm going to go down and make the eggs for breakfast, but I just wanted to let you know, Last night was not okay. And at some point in time, we either need to discuss it or figure out how to prevent it. So you could say it, but not prolong the punishment, if you will. Don't punish. Don't punish. Just say what you wanna say or say, you know what? I just am not in a space to be around you after last night. So I'm gonna go for a walk and meet Jane for a cup of coffee. I hope you have a good morning.

Mm-hmm.

And just be out.

Mm-hmm.

Because that goes with, that really does go from to agony because you're sitting there trying to make sure it's okay and everything's nice and the, the morning gets off to a good start, but you deep down inside are bubbling over or cross or whatever you are. But I don't think it's okay to act like we think it's okay, but I don't think it's worth having World War 9 over it. But I would just say, hey, that wasn't cool. Just letting you know. I'm not, and I'm not sure how many more of those nights I have in my, in my hopper.

Mm-hmm.

It says chaos is coming no matter what. Use your boundaries to— oh, this is Dale giving feedback. The chaos is coming no matter what. Use your boundaries to limit the impact of the chaos, but it's coming as long as you are there. Probably solidly good point, Dale.

Mm-hmm. And even if the chaos isn't directed at you, the The chaos is there as far as missed deadlines, missed expectations, someone not functioning the way that they need to. So yeah, I think this is—

Hungover.

Yeah, really.

Lost their wallet, whatever's going on. Um, yeah, I think this is sort of a seesaw of finding your own peace but not condoning. Yeah. To keep you in that non-agonal state.

Right. And someone had said living authentically, and that's what it is too. If you wake up to kind of go back to Dale's comment, if you wake up in the morning and you really, you have a big feeling about whatever happened the night before, it's authentic to deal with that. If you don't have a big feeling and you're just like, okay, here we go again, then that's authentic. And it might be different one day to the next.

That's fair. That's a good point. And so that means you just need to be in tune to how do I actually feel? Not how do I think I should feel? How have I felt in the past? Um, or even future, like if this goes on, I'm gonna like, can't stand it. Like just stay in the moment of how do I actually feel about this particular instance right this second? And then be authentic. I like that.

Yeah. A lot of people that, that I work with will tell me, well, I'm supposed to do this or I should do this. And really what they're saying is if I don't follow the script, then I'm afraid I'm going to innate. And, and I think it's good that we have enabling in the front of our brain, but to live authentically is not enabling. And we may have a heart shift. And again, what I do Monday might be different than what I do Tuesday. So I do think it's important to be able to distinguish that.

I think another point to keep that sense of peace that we're talking about is to not necessarily be consumed with taking advice of other Partners or spouses or parents, because what you're doing, what you're— when you go into this game on, when you, when you go towards your own, away from your own agony, it may not look like other people think you should be responding or handling it. So bear that in mind because a lot of times the external world, other people's opinions— I can remember I got a lot of confusion, which caused me agony, is I don't know what to do. I don't know who to listen to. I don't know which way I should go on this because I'm getting conflicting advice. So I think limiting— and, and I, my motto is listen to the professionals who know what the situation is and know who you are and can give you the advice that's good for you. And, and don't, don't necessarily take it from well-meaning, um, but maybe not all that much in the know friends or family. All right, Chloe says finding that clamming up and doing my thing to avoid a confrontation has worked wonders for her. It's her daughter, and she seems to be getting the message without the drama. We are actually connecting more. Good.

Yep.

So that that connection could either be like a really positive thing, and maybe it'll starve the disease, or it could be the manipulation of the disease. Trying to get you to realize that, or to think that things aren't as bad as they actually are. Either way doesn't matter. Enjoy what you have in the moment without having to figure out where does this actually go.

Right, right. And when you're not feeding the drama, you're not feeding the disease.

Yep.

All right, let's see.

Do we have any more? Probably everybody in the country is getting ready for snow like we are. All right, so that's it. I hope that this was helpful, you guys, and next time we talk to you, maybe you'll have more assurance. All right, bye guys.

Bye guys.