Stop Letting Your Loved Ones Addiction Hold You Hostage

This live video is all about getting back in control of yourself and your family and learning how to stop being held hostage by your loved one's addiction. I know that if you have someone, especially living in your house, who's got a problem with drugs, alcohol, or any other type of addiction for that matter, that not only is it controlling that person, you like to think of it like it's like a puppet master right up there with like, the strings. It's not just controlling that person, but think of it like it's controlling all the puppets on the stage, because that's truly what's happening. It's not just controlling your loved one, it's controlling you. It's holding you hostage. It's causing you to feel ways that you don't want to feel, think thoughts that you don't want to think, spend money that you don't want to spend, and do all kind of other things that, that you don't want to do. But it's forcing you to do this. And in this video, we're going to talk about why that is what it is exactly, that is holding you hostage. And once you can identify what those little strings are, then, then you can cut them. So you're really going to get a lot out of this video. And this is live if you're watching me right now, so feel free to interact with me. Hey, is that Jennifer? Hey, Paige. Glad to have you here with us. So if you're new here and you haven't seen any of my videos, I'm Amber Hollingsworth and you're watching Put the shovel down. This YouTube channel is designed to help families get control of their, their own lives back and hopefully help get their loved ones in recovery. Because the first step in helping your loved one is to stop letting the addiction control you. Like you're over here interacting with your loved one, trying to get them to beat this addiction. Meanwhile, the addiction is controlling you. So how can you even, like, begin to think that they're going to get control when you don't have control? And so that's what today's about. All about. Those little strings that are tied to that puppet master that are holding you hostage. The very first string, I think, that keeps families in this sort of constant back and forth dance is that they get mixed up and keep confused or maybe like sidetracked or they're back and forth on whether or not they're really dealing with addiction. This one will keep you stuck for a long time because you'll think they have this addiction, but then you'll think, well, maybe it's this medical problem. Maybe it's bad self esteem. Maybe it's because they went through that divorce. Maybe it's because. And you want to find all these other reasons why the problems in your house are occurring. Maybe it's because they lost their job. You know, you have all these like, excuses for why the problem is. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't other factors out there that tie in to the problem. They could have mental health problems, they could have medical problems, they could have past trauma, they could have grief, they could have any number of other problems. And it's not that they don't matter or that they're not there. But you've got to stop letting that sidetrack you from the fact of whether or not you're dealing with addiction. Because until you get your head wrapped around that, you're probably going to be trying all the wrong things. You're going to be trying to solve all the wrong problems, and you're going to sort of be going down all the wrong rabbit holes. So think. The very first thing I do is get real clarity on whether or not you have an addiction. Hey, this is this Lisa, Paige's mom here. Hey, glad to have you, Lisa. So if you're confused about this, I'm going to give you like the simple way to think about it and then I'm going to tell you where to find the entire clinical word for definition. That way you can go it one by one by one for yourself and be sure that way when you start to doubt it and when you start kind of second guessing, you go back that be like, nope, they definitely got it. Essentially, addiction is the fact that someone is doing something that's causing lots of problems in their life and they just keep doing it anyway to the point that it seems kind of like it doesn't make any sense and it's irrational and like, why would someone keep doing that even though it's costing them all this, either all this money or their relationships or their kids or their spouse or their job or whatever, it doesn't make sense. That's the real simple way to figure out whether or not someone is dealing with an addiction. Now, of course, there's like the clinical criteria that we use to diagnose addiction and we use something called the Diagnostic Statistical Manual. In fact, I've got a video coming out soon about how to tell the difference in like substance abuse and real addiction. And that's coming out next couple weeks. So you guys be on the Lookout for that. Hey, Shelby, Gail, thank you for watching. But in the book, the clinical book, there are, like, 11 criteria in there. And the way that we truly diagnose people is we look at those 11 criteria, and we count how many a person has. If they have between two and four, that's called a mild substance use disorder. If they have between four and six or between four and five, that's a moderate substance use disorder. If they have six or more, that's a severe substance use disorder. Let me give you a hint. If you're desperate enough and you got to point to watching this channel, I'm gonna get us. Your loved one probably has a substance use disorder, probably not mild, because you didn't get here the first few months of the problem. Probably. That's my guess. Thank you, Diane. I appreciate that. Hey, Amar. And so that's clue number one. You're having to watch Amber's videos. That right there should be enough, right? So if you're confused about that, I do have some videos on my channel that actually go through all those criteria. I think there's one on my video, and I'll try to link it up for you here at the end. And it goes through the criteria for alcohol use disorder, but they're all the same. So, like, in the book that we use, they call it, like, alcohol use disorder, cocaine use disorder, opiate use, or whatever, but it's really the same criteria. Just substitute the word. So you could literally take a look at that video. That's exactly. I go through it, like, exactly the way I would with my clients and how I would do the diagnosis. And if you feel sort of wibble wobbly on it, do that, and maybe that will help you, because that keeps a lot of people sidetracked. You know, they keep trying to, like, think it's something other than what it is. It's just as problematic when the family can't get their head wrapped around it. Maybe even more problematic than when the person can't get their head wrapped around it. You know how, like, people are always saying, like, you know, the first steps to admit you have a problem? Well, if the family can't admit that that's what's the problem, then we're in big trouble, because usually the person themselves is, like, the last one to know. So get in your own head straight. Focus on this is what I'm dealing with, regardless of all these other factors. Not that they're not there, but that you've got to deal with that addiction before you can deal with those other Factors. I know you've probably heard me talk about that before. The next step in getting back control over yourself. This is the next string I want you to cut is I want you to take a real hard look at the fears that are underneath, way down in there that are the real things that are holding you hostage. What are the fears that you're just scared to face? I'm scared about this, I'm scared about that. And even when you can say them out loud and you can identify them, they'll have less power over you. Lot of times I tell my clients who are in recovery, I'll say, if you're really craving and you're wanting to use and you're having these thoughts, say it out loud. Tell somebody. Tell me. Tell your sponsor, tell the group, tell somebody. It doesn't matter. Tell your best friend. Because when you say it out loud, it almost, like, takes the power away from that. Hey, Diane. And so it's sort of like I say, it's like turning the light on, like, ugly monster. And he calls me, like, I see that monster. So what. What are you gonna do? You know, it's kind of like, I got you. And so when you can face your fears and look at them dead in the eye and know exactly what they are, it's not even so much that, like, you're not gonna be that scared of them, but you can get some control over them. So, like, the best way to scrap to you is, like, you know how in movies, like, a lot of times in, like, war movies, there's, like, this big red button. It has, like, this plastic case over the top of it. And, like, there's, like, a key. You have to unlock the case to get to the button. Your fears are that big red button, and your loved one knows exactly, exactly how to push that button. And so if you can identify what those fears are and get a handle on them, it's not like they're not there, but you'll think of it like you just built that plastic case to put around it, and only you got the key to it, okay? And so when you do that, then your loved one can stop pressing those buttons. They know where your weak spot is. When I deal with my people struggling with addiction, I'll say, listen, your disease or your illness, whatever you want to call it, knows where your weak spots are. And it will press that button until it gets you used. It knows if you're sad because you didn't get your red bicycle at Christmas when you were five. It knows if you think your Nose is big. It knows if you think your daddy loves your brother more, whatever, and it will just constantly come at that button, and that's how it controls the addict or the alcoholic. Well, it's the addict, and the alcoholic knows what your buttons are and what your fears are, and it will push those buttons. It knows if you're really, like, financially conscious, and it'll say, well, you don't want to send me that treatment. Oh, my God, that's, like, so expensive. Like, that's a waste of money. It'll push that button. It knows if you feel guilty because something you said in this big fight three years ago, it'll push it, but it knows that you feel guilty because you and your husband got divorced. Whatever it is, your loved one knows what the button is, and they're going to keep pushing it until you build that box on the top of it and take the power away. This is getting control back of yourself. Because to me, addiction is like a parasite, basically. And I know I use these weird metaphors sometimes, but, like, it's like a parasite that's, like, inside. Your loved one is, like, eating them from the inside out. And it's not long before it really takes everything they have. And so it can't. There's nothing else in there to live on a lot of times, because it's just sort of taking everything from this person. So then your loved one becomes a parasite on you. It's just like a parasite and a parasite, and it's like to you. And if you cut off the blood supply right there, the addiction will go away because it, like, literally can't survive. It's almost like you're taking the food away from it. You're taking the fuel lines out. And so it's really amazing how quickly that will happen, that when you get back in control of yourself, the addiction doesn't have anything else to feed off of because it feeds off of secrecy, lies, drama, you know, all this stuff. And when you just stop doing that, just stop it, literally, it just dries up. And so it'll go away so much faster. And even if it doesn't, you got to do this for yourself. You cannot stay on this roller coaster. I know you're miserable. I know you're living in fear every single day. And it is awful, and it's not the way you planned your life. You don't deserve to live that way. And I'm really sorry this happened to you. I'm really sorry it's happened to your loved one, but it's time to get back in control. Once you can do that, then you really are already sort of doing that third step in the process, which is you gotta understand exactly when the addict or alcoholic or the addiction, whatever you want to call it, is manipulating you. And the best way to do that is knowing what your buttons are, because that's what they're going to try first, because they know what works on you. If you're watching this video, tell me in the chat what buttons your loved one pushes. Do you know what they are? Do you know which ones that just work on you every single dang time? If you say it in the chat, it's kind of like saying it out loud to someone. It takes the power away. So let me know what you think. What you think your buttons are. Is it guilt? Is it shame? Is it embarrassment? Is it money? Is it fear of being divorced? Is it fear of what everyone will think? Is it fear of losing a loved one? What is it? Is it fear that your kid won't graduate college? You know, can't tell you how many parents are held hostage by that. And I'm like, dude, we are way beyond that. Like, we gotta get our priorities in check. Like, I'm. I got these parents, they call me. They're, like, so worried because their kids not doing their schoolwork while they're on, like, the COVID quarantine. And I'm like, dude, I'm not worried about whether kids are in school. They're like, call me up. Can you talk to them about schoolwork? I'm like, no, I really can't, because your kids are killing themselves. And this is what I'm talking to them about. And since, like, the parents, like, they still haven't, like, shifted over to really getting it. And part of that is that, like, haven't really wrapped my head around that it's addiction and it's really that bad. And that they're like, what if he doesn't graduate high school? And that fear's holding them hostage. Marianne says she feels abandoned. Say it louder for people in the back. So it's just like, get a hold of yourself. And when you do that, you will get a hold of this addiction. Laura says she's a fixer. So it's just like. So, Laura, for you, is it just like, you see a problem, it's just automatically like, your brain just says, oh, well, you should do this and this and this and let me help you and that kind of thing? It's almost, like, super hard to resist for you. Is that what you're saying, I can get that. I think all counselors, we have a little bit of that in us, because otherwise, why the heck are we going to counselors? Kind of codependent thing to do, isn't it? Right. Become a counselor might be the ultimate codependent thing to do. The thing about it, though, is when you become a counselor, you really kind of have to deal with your button on codependency if you want to be good at it. Debbie says her button is when he drinks, even after I've asked him to stay sober for something specific, and then blames me for asking him to stay sober. Fair enough. I guess I would say there's a little truth in that, Debbie. If the person you're dealing with is alcoholic, they probably have minimal to no ability to stay sober. So I've seen that a lot. Like, a lot of times, I think this is one of my videos coming up. But it's like. Or maybe when I did recently, but it's like, keep asking them to not drink, but you're not realizing, like, they can't not drink. And so you're almost like, coming at the problem wrong sometimes. Like, maybe they. If they, like, cannot not drink, then you got to be not asking them not drink, but trying to get them to go to detox. So sometimes it's just like a. A restrategizing, I guess, if you will. I want to make myself better for my son, and I can't. Laura says, Laura, you can totally make yourself better. You're watching these videos. If you're doing that. If you're watching these videos, I can guarantee you you're already getting a lot better and stronger because you're hearing, you're hearing me talk about these manipulation tactics you're hearing people talk about. Buttons are. And once you really get your head wrapped around what you're dealing with, like I said, it really just, like, loses power over you. And that's. That's my goal. My goal is for you guys to get your life back and hopefully to get your loved one back. If you're out there and you're watching this video, even if you're watching it on the replay, have you tried any of the things that we talk about on this channel? Have you had any success? If so, is that success that it's helping you feel better, is it helping get your loved one in the right direction? I've been doing a lot of coaching calls lately, and people are telling me, like, it's working because a lot of you know that the first thing we do as Far as helping the other person is like, getting your relationship better to build that credibility. But the things we're talking about today is, like, almost like a prereq for that. You got to get in control of yourself before you can even keep yourself steady enough to even make the relationship better, if that makes sense. So today's class is a prereq. See, Deneen says, I think that I had a fear that everything is. My mind would go from a small thought to a horrible in seconds. I call that like, I saw my young son, not as a grown adult he is. I call it, like, catastrophizing. It's kind of like in your brain where it's like. It's like your kid gets arrested for possession, and the next thing you're thinking is, like, they're literally, like, on death row. You know, it's like going from this bigger problem to that big. A lot of times that's a symptom of anxiety, which you may or may not have, like, underlying anxiety. But if you've got an addicted loved one, you've got an anxiety problem. How could you not? It starts to consume your thoughts. You get obsessed. You're worried constantly living in fear. I had a lot of success growing the positive seeds. All right, Carrie, I'm glad to hear that. Or Kerry, I think I said that wrong. It's those positive seeds. And then they start listening to you, don't they? And they start, like, actually caring what you have to say. I know it feels, like, really weird to do a lot of the things I tell you, but it really does work to get control back, because otherwise you're really just reacting. Tom says, Paige turns me on to you. Helped me a lot. Hey, thanks, Tom. Glad to have you here. When you don't have control of yourself, that puppet master is controlling you. The addiction is controlling you because you're just emotionally reacting to everything that happens. Every time they come home late, every time you think they're intoxicated, every time there's more money missing, you're just losing it. You're nagging, you're preaching, you're yelling, you're threatening, you're begging. You're what? You're calling in the church friends to do something. And you've got to get out of that reactive place, get in control of yourself. It's going to do the absolute best thing you can do. And the first step to getting this entire family system better. Thank you guys for hanging out with me. I'm on here live every Thursday at once. I hope to see you next week. And, oh, yeah, I do have a bonus video coming out for you this weekend. In fact, several times over the next month, I've got, like, an extra bonus video coming out. So make sure you have the little bell sign clicked so you'll get the notifications, because there's a video published every Tuesday in the morning, and then there's a live video on Thursdays. But you got bonus ones coming over the next few weeks, so take a look out for those. And those are, like, special topics videos. I think there's one on addiction and infidelity. There's one on dealing with the legal system. There's one on opiate use disorder. There's like. There's some, like, specific things that people ask. So I think you're gonna really like those. So make sure you check them out. Pamela says, I've been trying to be positive. I'm not checking up anymore. Is it super hard? I bet it is. It's hard at first, and it feels completely unnatural. Sue says post team tick stress is part of being a mother. And I. Oh, like post traumatic stress? Oh, yeah, for sure. You're absolutely right, Sue. All right, guys, see you next week. Thanks for hanging out. Bye.