Stop Self-Sabotaging Behaviors FOR GOOD!

Stop your self sabotaging behaviors once and for all. All of us have a tendency to repeat certain patterns in our life over and over again and cause ourselves a ton of headache. Not to mention the headache that we cause the other people in our lives. And today we're going to talk about how to identify what are your self sabotaging patterns and how to actually break that cycle. And in order to do this, I'm going to break this idea down for you into sort of like three separate categories. Three steps that you should take if you want to rid yourself of these unproductive, unhealthy, dysfunctional cycles once and for all. Now, I think the best place to start with this conversation is to really understand how and why you have developed these patterns. And the first thing I want to tell you is everyone has these. We all have these. Some of us have these stronger than other ones of us. But we all have something in our life that we just keep falling into the same pit over and over again. Even though, even when we have insight about it, even when we don't want to, and even when we make promises to ourselves and others that we are not going to do that same thing. Now, for those of you watching, that could also include addictions, obviously, because that's what we talk about here on this channel. But also any other kind of self sabotaging pattern that you may have. In fact, these other self sabotaging patterns could very well, or maybe even likely be the underlying trigger and reason for the addictions. So it may be that you think, oh, the addiction is the self sabotaging behavior, which it could be, but maybe there's something underneath that most of us probably could agree that there usually is. Okay, so the reason why we all develop these behaviors and patterns that aren't so productive is because in our growing up and in our childhoods, somewhere along the way we had certain things that were either. Certain needs we had that were either under nurtured or over nurtured. We've experienced difficult things and stressors in life, which I think is all part of life. But as a re. But our reaction to those circumstances is to develop certain defense mechanisms. In our childhood, we all develop different types of defense mechanisms. That's our way of coping with difficult situations or not coping with difficult situations. It's kind of our way of survival. Well, as we grow and we use those defense mechanisms, initially they're fairly productive, productive and self protective. They become so hardwired and ingrained in us that they become habitual. So that's when you can take something that started out probably as something useful or maybe even productive and it gets to the point where it's excessive and it, it becomes this automatic thing that you, that you begin to do subconsciously, which overrules and overrides some of your strategic decision making, which can sabotage you from reaching the goals that you want, from having the type of relationships you want, and essentially from just sort of maximizing your human potential as a person. So if you want to overcome those patterns, the first thing you need to be okay with is the fact that you have them. Everyone has them. In fact, you've got to have a couple of qualities inside of you if you really want to beat this thing. One of those qualities is humility. You've got to have enough humility to be honest with yourself and realize that you do have these self defeating patterns and it's okay, you don't have to let that sort of upset you so much because we all have these. The other quality that you've got to have if you want to overcome these is patterns which we're going to talk about how to identify them in just a second. But you have to have enough self esteem. It's kind of interesting, right? That humility and that self esteem, they're almost opposites, but they don't have to be. They're. You've got to have enough self esteem and self confidence to be able to put in the work that it's going to take to get success with this. But you've got to have enough humility to, to realize that there is a problem. Anytime someone has extremely low self esteem and self confidence, their chances of breaking their patterns is pretty low as well. Because that low sense of self leads into victim thinking or thinking that you don't have what it takes to accomplish things. You don't have enough confidence to put the work in, basically. And like I said, that other factor is humility. Okay, so now that you've qualified yourself as having enough self esteem mixed with the perfect amount of humility, let's take a look at how to identify what your patterns are. Now, you may already have in your head a pretty general good idea about what those patterns are. Maybe you always pick the wrong men. Maybe you always quit your job before you get, you know, promotion. Maybe you always start out doing really awesome in school, but then your grades start to tank so you have some idea about what it is that you're doing to sabotage. Maybe you always, you know, fall in love, you have this relationship and it's this perfect person but you have this tendency to run them off somehow, you know? Or you have a tendency to cheat and lose the relationship. You've probably got a little bit of an idea, right? Maybe your pattern is to spend too much money or eat too much food or whatever that is. But even beyond knowing that surface level, what the pattern is, you've got to get to what's the real pattern? What is the key core motivation, defense mechanism underneath why you keep engaging in that pattern, right? Why do I quit my job right before I get the promotion? Why do I pick the wrong men or pick the wrong women? You know, what is the underneath of those decisions? How many of you watching right now know exactly what pattern it is? You may be knowing exactly that's why you clicked on this video, is because you might be thinking, oh, I know what I do, I just don't know how to stop it. So once you know what that pattern is, the key is to understand why you do it. What is the core motivation there? And let me give you a few examples so you can see what I'm talking about here. Do you have an underneath maybe defense mechanism about anger? Are you always concerned with justice? Do you have this fear of injustice happening or things not being fair or people not doing things right? Or some people have to live up to one standard and other people don't? That kind of concern and feeling can become obsessive, which means it can become habitual and it can start to run the show. So anger might be an example of an underlying motivation. And that anger then comes from this concern about justice. And if you think back in your childhood, were there things that were unjust? Were you held to certain standards and other people weren't? Was someone in your family or your immediate friends treated unfairly? Did you go through something traumatic? If so, you could possibly have an anger type defense mechanism that can get out of control. Anger, like any other emotion, can be productive. Obviously it's there, it's a protective emotion. But when it becomes habitual, it causes problems and it can take over. Another type of sort of defense mechanism, or sometimes I call them like a vice or in 12 step they call it a character defect that you might struggle with is pride. Maybe somewhere in your childhood you learned that the best way to get along in the world is to be the most helpful, the most considerate, the most humble. And if so, it's kind of like this self sacrificing behavior that you've developed. And that is obviously it can be good because it kind of goes along with humility. Care, concern, empathy, those are sort of the high end of that trait where it comes out in a really good way. But, but where that can go astray is if you struggle with pride. If it's like you get, and you guys may have heard me talk about this before on this channel, but I call it like martyr syndrome, right? It leads you to being passive aggressive and holding resentments and thinking nasty thoughts. It's like if I overdo for people compulsively more than I want to, then that's going to lead me to dark self pity resentment type of thinking, which those of you who follow my videos know where that leads. That leads to bad choices for all of us. Maybe your underlying defense mechanism is deceit. Now deceit shows up in this concern about image. It's this compulsivity about putting on a certain face or showing up in situations a certain way. And that can start to rule your life. You know, you can become overly concerned with what you look like and what other people think of you. So much so that you can get into a really like unhealthy level of self denial, right? It's like you become so concerned with what other people think that you lose sight of who you really are. You're so focused on that outward mask appearance that you, you literally don't know who you are anymore. And that can be, that can be dangerous and scary. Maybe you struggle with envy because you have a compulsive need to compare. You compare yourself to certain people and situations and you think that you're better than that. Or you compare yourself to certain people in situations and you think that you don't measure up or you're not good enough. That envy can lead you to a lot of self pity which can lead you to more bad decisions. These are these underlying character defects, defense mechanisms that lead us to the compulsive behavior, right? Like I said before, we tend to know what that behavior is on the surface that we keep doing, but we don't always take enough time to look deep enough to figure out what's the core motivation underneath why I keep doing that. What was maybe in my childhood that created such a defense mechanism. Now this isn't a, you know, think back to my childhood, blame my parents and say my life wasn't perfect. No one's life was perfect. Everyone has these defense mechanisms. It's not about that. It's just about understanding yourself on a deeper level so that you can gain control of these patterns instead of being controlled by them. Maybe your, maybe your advice is avarice which is kind of fancy way of saying withholding. It's a reclusiveness. It's a. I don't want to share myself or my resources because I'm afraid of being overwhelmed or taken advantage of or having too much responsibility. So I sort of isolate and keep to myself and don't let anyone or anything in that bubble. You can clearly see how that would be almost like a protective defense mechanism that someone could develop in childhood. By the way, most of these defense mechanisms that we develop are developed before the age of five. So when I'm talking about these things, these are mostly very, very unconscious. It's not like we're aware that we're doing those things, and that's what makes them so powerful. That's how they control us, without us meaning for them, too, because it's on a. On a subconscious level, running the show. These certain fears and anxieties and needs that we have that we're just meeting unproductively. Maybe you're full of fear all the time. You're so hypervigilant. You're so skeptical of other people. Constantly think or worry that other people have bad intentions or that you won't be treated right or taken care of, that you walk around the world in fear. I got to tell you, right now, in our world, there are a ton of people struggling with fear. And I've seen these kind of almost like paranoid feelings and behaviors from people that don't even usually struggle with that. So, you know, times are really stressful right now, and you can see that fearful, reactive, defensive behavior coming out all over the place. And, man, it can be ugly. Maybe your vice or your defense mechanism is gluttony or excessiveness. It's this need to be comfortable, to be distracted. This is kind of one of those ways of avoiding difficult stress, uncomfortableness, you know, hard decisions, bad relationships, conflict, those kind of things. Maybe the way you deal with those things is to think about things that are more pleasant or engage in things that just make you feel better. Maybe that's drugs or alcohol or. Or food or spending or gambling or intimacy or relationships. It's kind of a way of not dealing. Maybe your vice or your underneath defense mechanism is lust. And by lust, that can be, obviously in the way that most people think about that word. But it can also be. When I say it this way, it's this immediacy, this lack of patience, this, I want it now. I want what I want. I have to have it. I have to have it right now. And I'm not Going to wait. You know, you can imagine how a lack of patience and calmness could cause problems in your life. How you could find yourself repeating certain difficult, negative, dysfunctional behaviors over and over again. And another advice for you to sort of look out for is one that is called sloth. And sloth is this defense mechanism that has more to do with avoidance. And it is sort of a lack of movement, like the animal, the sloth. It's a, it's kind of like a compulsive tendency to procrastinate, to avoid, to disconnect. I call it like zombie mode. Now this list of vices that I just went over for you, this is definitely not the end all, be all list, but this is actually the list that we use. It comes from the non enneagram personality type. C.J. is saying that seven deadly sins, very similar. Yes, just like that. So it's kind of like you could add to these and there's variations of these, but these are the nine vices that come from the non enneagram personality types. That's that personality typing system that we use in our office so regularly. The reason, and I know there are lots of these types of personality systems out there, the reason why we use this one and love this one is because it deals with the core motivators and underlying fears and defense mechanisms of each personality type. And so it's so important to understand not just what people do, but why people, including ourselves, why we do what we do. Because if you're going to break these self sabotaging behaviors and patterns, this is what it's going to take. If you'd like to learn more about Enneagram, especially if it relates to recovery, whether from a family perspective or an individual perspective, we do have a little mini online course for that called strength based recovery which will sort of help you identify what your personality type is if you understand what your strengths are, your triggers, your buttons, your weaknesses and all that kind of thing are. And I've put a link in the description. If you're watching this on YouTube, you can find the link in the description to learn more about that. Now the second way I want you to think about getting out of and breaking the self sabotaging behaviors is to take a look at your relationship patterns. Right. Because there's our individual patterns and then there's the way that that shows up in our relationships. So the first way I want you to at that is what kind of people do you tend to put into your life? Right. And that includes romantic relationships. But that's not the only thing. I mean, you know, what kind of people are you drawn to in general? If you work at a place, do you hire people? Do you tend to hire certain people? Do you tend to surround yourself with certain personality types as friends? Because the people that we surround ourselves with has a direct, a huge direct impact on how we think and feel and behave. And so we, it's so, so important to carefully choose who we let in our lives because they bring, any person brings this sort of magnetic force of energy with them. And whether you're aware of it or not, are you, it's on a subconscious level or you can feel it or not, it is there and that energy rubs off on you. So if you have a tendency to want to save people, then you probably surround yourself subconsciously with people that need saving. And think about what kind of energy that brings you. Think about how that might be keeping you in some kind of negative self defeating pattern. Right? Not so helpful. So identifying that type of person that you tend to surround yourself with and once you've identified that, ask yourself, why do you do that? Is it if it's, especially if it's like an unproductive type relationship you tend to find yourself in, is it a need to be taken care of? Is it a need to take care of someone else? Is it a need to be in control? Maybe you surround yourself with people who aren't as smart or pretty or attractive or what, you know, they don't have enough, as much money as you do and maybe that's a need for you, that you have to feel superior. So it's kind of like those, you know, it's not just the behavior patterns, it's the relationship patterns and the why that is the key here. And the last thing that I want you to really analyze when it comes to this target of overcoming self defeating patterns is identifying your attachment style. Now some of you have heard me talk about attachment style on some other videos and I'll try to link them up here for you in case you want to take them. Take a closer look at those. But attachment style has to do with not just the kind of people you bring into your life, but how do you tend to attach to them? Do you tend to be overbearing? Do you tend to be distant? You know, do you tend to be really insecure? And so you have this sort of pattern of chaos in your relationships, this sort of push, pull, you know, I call it like the I hate you, don't leave me sort of thing. This fear of abandonment. Are you Bringing any of that into your relationships. Now obviously looking at these three areas of your life, if you figure all this out, this doesn't make you some kind of Buddhist monk and this is not the end of the story. But if you can figure out these three areas and bring more of a conscious awareness to your patterns around this, that will allow you to actually make decisions and override these subconscious patterns that you're stuck in. So the key is, is first is bringing it to your awareness and understanding why it's happening to you. And then you can kind of figure out can you use your critical thinking, your front frontal lobe to override those patterns. If you override them enough, you create new habits and patterns and your new healthier behavior then becomes your new norm, right? And so that is the way that you ultimately break out of those patterns. If you have a tendency to date the wrong people and you break up and you're like that's it, I'm never dating a loser again. And that's as far as you go. Guess what? You're going to be dating a loser again because it's going to take a lot more than that. Or if you grew up in a house that was dysfunctional and you thought to yourself, I'm never going to be like my parents unless you do this deep down soul searching, this really difficult sort of self work, you probably are going to end up either doing exactly what your parents did or doing the opposite of what your parents did to an extreme that is unhealthy, right? If your parents were controlling, you may say I'm never going to be controlling. And you could be so uncontrolling that your life is a mess, right? Or your children's a mess. So it takes some conscious decision making here. Let's take a look and see who is joined us and I will take some time here and answer your questions and comments. Let's see who we have with us today. I see Saska. Hey from Saska from Cape Town and Connie says got my alarm. Five minutes in Chelsea from Italy. Oh that's cool. Chelsea from Italy, Sarah from Long Island. Saska says as a child of an alcoholic, I self sabotage in my relationships and victim thinking. I really want to grow in this area. Just because you said that right there Saska, that means that you have just show me those two qualities that you need, right? It's the humility and the self esteem. You know, it's like you have an awareness and a sense of yourself that you can overcome that. Saska, you've probably heard of this, but some people might not. There's a group out there called Adult Children of Alcoholics. ACOA is how that's usually abbreviated. And those groups are really interesting. And there's a lot of education out there about the specific defense mechanisms and patterns that children who grow up in addicted homes, they tend to grow up with certain patterns that you can kind of predict and count on. And that's a real helpful place to start if you're having trouble figuring out what your pattern is and why you keep getting stuck in. If you grew up in an addicted home, check out the adult Children of Alcoholic materials. And even if your parent was an alcoholic, but they were addicted to something else, it still counts. So Jessica, Jessica says I know what it is. I do. I also have an idea of what my family members do to self sabotage themselves as well. Well, I hear you, Jessica. It's easier. It's easier to see other people's self sabotaging behaviors, isn't it? We, like I said, we all have them. Saska says she's easily offended. Yeah, there's a sensitivity, right? And so it's kind of like if you have a tendency maybe to take things personal or, you know, there's the good side of that, which means you're probably sensitive to other people's needs, right? And then there's the downside of that quality, which means that you're so sensitive and self aware of other people's feelings, like an empathy, that you are more tender hearted and can easily get hurt. So a lot of times with these defense mechanisms, there's the upside and the downside. Chelsea, what do you do when an addict loved one avoids us? To prevent. To prevent hurting our feelings. It's a defense mechanism kind of thing. I don't. I think I understand what you're saying there, Chelsea. What, what you're asking me is like, what do you do when your addicted loved one avoids being around you? Is it because it's like they're afraid that you're going to hurt their feelings or they don't come around because they don't want to hurt your feelings? Give me a little clarity on that because I'm not 100 sure what you're saying there. Let's see. Hey, M. Aspen and Pamela. Pamela says I shy away from people who appear too normal or have it together. I think I will be rejected. They'll reject me if they really know me. I find people with problems when the situation blows up. I can do the victim thing, man. That takes a lot of humility and insight. To, to say right out there publicly. I can appreciate that and respect that. And I can also identify what you're saying. When I was little, I was younger, I'm still, actually, I'm still this way. I grew up, I would say in my mind, I thought it was like the cool house. We didn't have a lot of rules. And so when I was little, I never really went to other kids houses. They always came to our house number one, because our house was a cool house. So that's where people wanted to go. But I was always intimidated by going over. I call it like normal people houses. I'm still a little intimidated. That's probably why I'm a counselor. Right. Because I can deal with that, that sort of normal people thing or households that seem like they have it together. That's kind of scary to me, to be honest. MD Says. Can you explain the idea of enmeshment and families and relationships? Yes, Maryland. Enmeshment is. It's like too much closeness. Now our counselor, Kim, who's our relationship specialist and who is awesome by the way, Kim Garrett, she talks about this idea and she calls it emotional incest. Sounds really bad. Right? And what she means by that is when you have a child who grows up in a, in a household where the parents are, they, they either view the child as a friend so they over disclose or the child is like really parentified. And so the child is the one that has to like be the responsible one and take care of the parent. And a lot of times those relationships, it's like the parent can be enmeshed with the child. You see these situations where it's like the parent is trying to live through the child. It's like they're trying to live out their life through the kid. And so that can lead to some enmeshment. And so if you grow up in a household like that, you can either have tendencies to become too enmeshed or you can have a fear of a measurement. And I know what that's like. I sort of struggle with that. It's like this like fear of someone getting too close or being too needy of you. And it can make you have this automatic subconscious like backing up thing where you avoid vulnerability and intimacy and that can cause problems. So you can kind of get on either side of that spectrum. Let's see, Sean says a new self development content creator and relatively new life coach. How is everyone? Sean, are you saying you're a new content creator for self development? You're a new name up there. I think we you are new to us. So hello and welcome to our community. Sean, let's see here. Saska says enmeshment can be described as not knowing where you end. Another one begins. Those are wise words. I. I'm go with what Saska says. Sometimes you guys just say this so much better than I do, right? I, I sometimes get my words all mixed up, but I try to get it out there. All right, guys, thank you to everyone who joined us. I am going to link up here for you those videos on attachment so you can learn more if you'd like to. And also if you're watching on YouTube in the description you will find the link to those videos about identifying your personality types called strength based recovery or enneagram personality. So it'll be down there and I will see you soon. I'll see you next Thursday at 1 and next Tuesday. Our video that's coming out is all about self forgiveness. This week we talked about forgiveness of others and next week it's going to be about forgiving yourself, which is a whole another ball game. All right, see you then.