Stop the Power Struggle in Your Marriage

Alright, we have a great video for you today. It is called the Five Steps to a Healthier Relationship. I'm Amber Hollingsworth, founder of Hope for Families Recovery center, where we help families recover their loved ones. Because if you save one life, you save family and eventually that changes the world. And I'm super excited because we have Kim here with us. This is Kim from my office and I've been trying to get her on video for a long time. You should see what I had to promise. And Kim is our relationship specialist in the office and she's going to tell us how to get out of that power struggle. You know the one that I'm talking about, the one that you're stuck in with. That one person that you've had that same argument with over about 400 times, right?

Yep.

Now, there is a prequel to this video. If you haven't already seen it, make sure you go back and watch that. You can totally watch this without having seen that. But if you see both of them together, it's going to be extra good.

Absolutely.

The first one was about the drama. We talked about the drama triangle. So if you haven't checked that one out, make sure you see that one. You can watch this though, and go back to that one. So before Kim gives us the five strategies for getting your relationship healthy, I want to know, what is that one thing that really pushes your button? Tell us in the comments below that one thing that just irks you like crazy. Kim, what's that thing for you?

Oh, stuff on my counters. Hate it.

Like clutter crumbs. What do you mean clutter?

Any kind of clutter. Can't stand it.

How do you feel when you go in the kitchen at our office?

I can tune that out. Doesn't bother me a bit.

Oh, dissociation skills. Maybe that's the key to a very relationship.

Oh, yeah.

Dissociate yourself.

Get some blinders. Pick your fight. Right.

Okay, so, Kim, tell us what you're going to be telling us today.

I'm going to be telling you guys how I learned how to basically solve problems and how to stay away from the drama. And what I like about this the most is that it's all within your control. Like a lot of stuff. When we get into a power struggle with someone that we love, a lot of times what we do is we focus on what they're doing wrong instead of focusing on what we're doing wrong. And so this is all about us.

Kim, you already sound super counselor. You can only control yourself. You can't Control other people. Dang counselors.

Okay, so the first thing is we need to look at this as five steps. So in order to solve a problem, first thing we need to do is we need to be able to say we need to develop some humility. Because we need to say, could I be wrong? And that's the real question here, is, could I be wrong? And so. And. And. But the truth is, if the answer is no, I can't be wrong, and we all have met this person before, like, they're never wrong. They're a know it all. You cannot reason with this person. You literally. You have two choices in that. Either you go in the drama triangle or you just say, okay, this person I can't reason with, so I have to step out of it. But let's pretend like you can't reason with them. So let's say the first thing you do is you have to develop some humility. You have to ask yourself, could I be wrong? So let's say my husband and I are arguing over something silly, and he's telling me, whatever. And so I'm like, well, could I be wrong? And so the answer is, yeah, I could be wrong. So let me listen to what he has to say. The next thing I have to say is develop some awareness.

Like, so wait, so on the could be wrong, would this count? Because sometimes I'll say, maybe not. Could I be wrong? Because, hey, we all know I couldn't be totally wrong, right? But does it count if you say, like, what could be my part? Can you just, like, at least, like, take. If you don't take full ownership, does that count? Or is that like, half humility?

No. We really need an example to teach this. Let's use just the typical I cleaned my house, because that's a really easy one. So if I clean my house and I come in and it's a mess, and my initial reaction is to be crazy because I would be mad. But the truth is, if I walk in and I look around and I just take a breath and I say, okay, could I. Could I be wrong in this and say, yes, my response to go lash out at my family is totally wrong. So right there, the humility is before I even respond that way, could I be wrong? Yes.

So it's not, is it? So is it. Could I be wrong about my feeling or thought? Or is it. Could I be wrong about my action?

It could be both. Okay, it can be both. So then the awareness would be, okay, the awareness is, I know that I. If I'm tired If I've had a long day, if I'm hungry. Oh, gosh, don't get me started. If I'm hungry.

Hangry. Yeah.

Then the awareness would be, yes, I could be wrong. Yes, I'm hungry, so I'm aware of what I'm bringing to the table. The next thing is empathy. I have to develop some empathy. And so if I go lash out at my family, what's it like for them? Not fun, because no one wants a crazy mom. So.

Right. Stop and think about it. Do you really want to walk in the door and start screaming about the socks on the floor? Like, is that who you want to be?

Is that the battle you want to fight? Is that the hill you want to die on?

No, but they should pick up their socks.

Right. So then the next thing is, at that point, I want to look at. So I've got my humility, I've got my awareness, I've got my empathy. And now I need my reliability. So I have to be. Now I have my responsibility.

Okay, so you've got.

I've got my humility.

You gotta be humble enough to ask yourself the questions, you know, what's my part in this? You have to be humble enough to say, could I possibly be wrong? Or do I have a part in this? Or am I really justified in going in there and acting like crazy lunatic? Right. So somehow the awareness and the humility almost. They almost sort of come, like, simultaneously. They do, don't they?

Absolutely. Because it's almost impossible for you to develop humility and then not have awareness around it. It's like you cannot do one without the other.

Yeah, you're right. You got it. Sort of both happens all at once.

Yeah. The empathy, though, that's a whole different step, though, because I can definitely say, okay, I am wrong in this way, and I'm aware that I'm wrong, but I don't really care. Like, that happens a lot too.

Oh, you just got on the drama triangle.

Exactly.

I know, but I'mma get on the persecutor roll.

Exactly. So the empathy is a really important one, and then the next one is the responsibility. And so the responsibility is going to be, I'm going to be responsible enough to recognize that I'm wrong, recognize that I'm hungry, and recognize that it's going to not be very fun for the rest of the night if I come in like a crazy woman.

So that's a little bit of the awareness.

Right.

Okay, Amber, you had a little hungry. Get your Snickers bar and think about how you want to deal with it.

Yes. Okay. And then the next one is reliability, because I have to be reliable enough to show up in a consistent way so that people around me know that I'm consistent. So let's give a real life example.

Of, like, consistent, like crazy mom always screaming. That's consistent, right?

Sure, absolutely. If you've got a persecutor mom, that's what lots of people do.

That's all right. I can see why moms could get in that role. Yeah, I could see it.

Me too. So let's see. An example of this would be, let's say that a husband and wife are arguing over whether to send their kid to treatment or not, or whether to go to counseling or if it's even a problem. So on one hand, we've got both parents have to be able to look at this and say, okay, my spouse is coming to me with one option. Could I be wrong? And then be able to hear the other side. And then the other spouse has to be able to do the same thing. Could I be wrong? Because if you have two completely different opinions on how to handle the fact that you're kid is smoking a little weed or a lot of weed, then you figure you're gonna have to be able to really listen to the other side. So you've got. You have to be humble in that. Could they be right? Do they have a point? And then the next one is awareness. Okay, they are with them more than I am, or they do have a different relationship with them than I do. And so the awareness of you're bringing something to the table that maybe I'm not. And then the next one is the empathy. And so what is it like for the other person? Because we get so stuck in our own roles and in our own feelings and our own perceptions that. That we often forget that the person we're screaming at is the person we love the most. And so we're fighting this battle that we really don't have to fight. And so the next thing is, after I've got my humility, my awareness, my empathy, then I'm going to look at them and I'm going to be able to say, okay, I'm responsible enough to show up in your life the way that you need me to show up. And then I'm going to be consistent in that, and that's going to be reliable, where they know that they can come to me and they can say, okay, Kim, lose it for a little bit, but she's gonna reign it back in and that's consistent.

So all these things that you're saying, Kim, they're not even, like, behaviors. They're thought.

Oh, yeah.

You got to get your head straight before you can do anything. Right.

Right. If your emotions are running the show, you have to take a step back, because if you're running with emotions, you're running on the drama triangle.

Right. You are not gonna make a good decision when you're making an emotional decision. So this sounds to me like freaking like Jedi training. Like, especially if you're trying to think like this when you're hungry and you're tired. And that's what I tell the House of disaster. Yeah, man. How many sessions with Kim would it take to be a Jedi like that?

That's what I tell my people when I'm seeing them. One on one, I'm like, I'm going to teach you some ninja skills, because literally, I'm gonna teach you some problem solving ninja skills, because that's what this is. And you have to be able to recognize your starting gate for the drama triangle, because.

So hard to think, though, when you're triggered up.

Yep.

So sometimes I teach people to. Don't do anything.

Mm.

I usually say, unless someone's running in front of a bus, it doesn't have to be dealt with right this very minute. And if you feel upset, don't deal with it right now. Like, you know that saying. I don't know what you tell your girls, but, like, you know that saying. Like, don't go to bed angry. You know, I tell people, go to bed angry, because if you don't, you're gonna say a bunch of mean, mean stuff that is gonna cause more pain and hurt. It's gonna be 10 more arguments about that mean stuff that you said. So go to bed angry, because if you're like me, and you wake up, you're like, what's that so mad about? Sometimes I'm mad because when I wake up, I want to still be kind of mad, but I'm not. I'm like, dang, I want to still be mad, but it's, like, gone. So time would allow you.

Yes. Time is really important. You have to get some space so that you can really figure out where your priorities and your values are.

Why? Why do you have to be the good one that uses the Jedi skills?

Because you know them. Because I just taught them to you.

Oh. Now you're responsible for them. So Kim sees the couples in the office. Now, we don't see couples the way they're traditionally seen. We call it lawyering, where one spouse gets a counselor and the other spouse gets another counselor. They're like advocates, right? And the two advocates, like mediated out behind the scenes a lot. So when you have someone sitting in your office and they're frustrated and they're venting and they're telling you all about what that other person's doing, how does that work?

It works pretty good. Because this is where I can use these skills. Because then at that point, as soon as I hear the blame game, then in my mind I'm like, okay, you're really frustrated and you probably have 10,000 valid points. But as long as you're coming at your husband or your wife the way that you're coming at me, they're not gonna listen. They can't hear it because all they hear is how they feel invalidated, how they feel unheard.

So for me, sometimes I say, this isn't about what's right or wrong or fair. This is about what works.

Yes, yes.

Yeah.

And these skills work, especially if you.

Have an addicted loved one. Nothing about the situation is fair or right. I'm just gonna tell you right now, it is not fair that you have to do everything else and you have to do the five skills and be a ninja mindful person. It's not fair. But it is effective.

It's very effective. Because what it does is it prevents you from adding to the resentment and the self pity that the addict is going to feel. Because if you come in super humble like, oh, you're right, I did use a bad tone. Right. And I don't mean like patronizing, and I don't mean not speaking your truth, but being able to say, yeah, you're right in that moment. I could be wrong. I might be 2% wrong, but I could be wrong.

Or at least I might be wrong about how I handled it.

Right, right, right.

Because the first thing we teach at Hope for Families is how to get out of the bad guy role. Because as long as you're being a bad guy to someone with a substance abuse problem, they continue to stay in the victim role and they continue to use that as justification to continue to use drink or whatever it is that they're doing. Steal from you, like leave the house and be gone for a week. All those things.

Debating. Because they say, well, you just can't handle what I have to say. You're ridiculous. You're the truth.

Yeah, yeah. So you have to get out of the victim role or you have to get out of the persecutor role. Not because it's fair. Not because you don't deserve to be in it sometimes, but because it doesn't work. This is all about how to make your relationships healthier. It's all about what's effective.

Right. So the. So the. So the blame game, that's. That's how I would use it. Like, I would say, okay, everything you're saying is, makes sense to me, but you have to show some humility. You have to be able to recognize where you're wrong. And then you have to be able to develop some awareness of what's it like for the other person when you come in that way. And then. So then you've got your awareness and your.

So when you feel yourself going down the blame game route, that's a trigger that you need to back up and remember your five steps to a healthier relationship. Yep.