Strategies in Helping Addicted Loved Ones

When you're dealing with an addicted loved one, everything can feel like a crisis. So the very first thing you need to do is triage your situation, which is exactly what I'm going to help you do. In this video, we're going to take a look at three major categories so you can best decide which one your addicted loved one fits into best, and then which is going to help you pick the right strategy. Now, the first category is one that I'm going to call functional but still in denial. And if you're thinking, what do you mean by functional, don't worry, I'm going to expl. Now, there's no concrete definition for this, because in reality, there's really no such thing as a functional alcoholic, at least clinically speaking. But we're all pretty familiar with the term. So let's put a little definition around it. When I say functional, what I mean is the person is still, like, picking up about at least 50% of their responsibilities. When you're dealing with someone who has an addiction, they are going to be dropping balls. They're not going to be functioning at their best self. But if they're still either going to work or going to school most of the time or paying bills or taking care of the kids, they're still functioning. At least 50% of their responsibilities are getting taken care of. Then we're going to call them still in the functional category. Now, the biggest problem with this situation is that because the person is still functional, they're usually in denial. They're usually thinking things like, well, I can't possibly be an alcoholic or an addict because I go to work, I pay my bills, I take care of my kids. Like, I'm not like those people who are on the street. I still get up every day and do X, Y, or Z. They have a lot of these rationalizations and justifications going on. So if your addicted loved one is in this category, the good news is you're in the right place, because that's what this channel is all about. On this channel, we help you get your addicted loved one out of denial before they hit bottom and lose everything. So even though it feels like a very frustrating situation that your loved one can't see the problem, there's actually a lot you can do about this. Now, there's a ton of videos on this channel that go more into it, and we even have a whole online program that walks you through the process step by step. Invisible intervention. But I do want to give you the basic outline here. If your loved one is in this functional but still in denial category, then there's a little formula you need to use in order to get someone out of denial. They're going to have to see that whatever is happening with this addictive behavior, it's causing problems. So you're going to have to allow the natural consequences. Now hold up before you get too far ahead of yourself. Natural consequences means the natural things that are happening, which is very different than punishment. Punishment is when you impose a consequence on something, somebody that's really not a natural consequence, that's a punishment. And I'm not saying it's never okay to do that. But what I am saying is it doesn't really do anything to help them get out of denial. So if they do something wrong and you take something away from them, or you're cold shoulder to them, or you ground them from their Xbox or take their car away or whatever it is, it's not going to help them get out of denial because the only thing they're going to focus on is you and why you're such a big meanie. The key here is to let the natural consequences happen, which is actually really difficult when this is your loved one because sometimes those consequences affect you too. It might mean letting them fail their classes, it might mean letting them lose their job, it might mean letting a bill go unpaid. But it's the natural consequences that really get someone's attention. If you intervene with a punishment, you're actually distracting them from seeing the real issue. So as much as possible, hold the punishments back, allow the natural consequences to happen. And here's the key. Ready? Be empathetic when those consequences happen. Now, I know deep down inside you're going to want to yell and scream and say, I told you so. What the heck? Why are you screwing up your life? Why are you screwing up our life? I get it. Totally valid feelings. And it's probably fair for you to say that, but it's not very helpful because again, if you express those things to the person, it'll start falling into that punishment category and it will distract them. However, if you're empathetic to their situation, even if you're frustrated with them, you can still have a little empathy for them. If you can express that empathy, it actually activates the learning part of their brain. So hopefully you're beginning to see why the natural consequences plus the empathy actually equals learning, which actually helps to bring people out of denial much faster. If you want to learn more in depth about that process, we have entire playlist on this channel about getting people out of denial. And if you're really ready to dig in, then check out our invisible intervention program. I will put the link in the description. Now, next up, let's move to the next category, which is what I'm going to call non functional but not in denial. So this is when you're dealing with someone who pretty much knows that they have an addiction, but it's been going on so long that they've quit trying to do anything about it. Like as in they just don't really care. They've given up, maybe they're probably no longer working or going to school. And minimal, if at all, functional at home as far as taking care of responsibilities, paying bills, you know, running errands, doing chores, all the regular adulting life stuff. If you're dealing with someone in this category, then you might need to take a more extreme measure. Like for example, having an old school type of intervention. Yeah, like on the TV show Intervention. I've actually interviewed some old school type interventionists on this channel before to explain that. So I'll link those videos up for you here at the end and I'll put them in the description in case you want to see more about that. Now, it's really important to know whether your person is sort of not in denial. They know they have an addiction, but they're just not stopping versus they don't even think they have a problem. If you do an old school type of intervention for someone who's in that first category and they're not really in this second category, they might go to treatment because you forced them into it, but it's probably not going to take because they don't really think that there's a problem. So you cannot skip the getting them out of denial problem. However, if someone is firmly in this second phase and they haven't been to a lot of treatment before, maybe they've been once or twice, but not like a ton of times, then the old school type of intervention might just do the trick. But please hear me when I say do not try to just wing it. Don't try to just watch the TV show once or twice and then pull off one of these interventions. It can blow up in your face in a skinny second. So if you're going to do it, definitely you want to do it professionally and hire someone to help you through that process. Now, the last category is when you're dealing with someone who's in like imminent crisis. As in they are imminently a danger to themselves or others through their drug use. Maybe they're Driving while intoxicated all the time. Maybe they're care of children and they're just not fit to be taking care of those children. Maybe there's neglect, abuse, there's bad things happening, as in there is major safety problems on the horizon. When you are in this situation, you want to skip plan A, you want to skip plan B, and this is when you want to go straight into dealing with the safety of the situation. So if, for example, the issue is, is that there are children or vulnerable adults at risk, you need to take action by calling in the proper authorities. And if you've done this, I understand that it is very frustrating and sometimes you call and call and they don't want to listen to you, but call anyway. If someone is threatening themselves, as in they're expressing like suicidal thoughts, that is again another situation in which you need to take action. And I know it can be confusing to figure out are they just trying to get attention, are they trying to manipulate, but it is still best to always take action on that because it's better to be safe and sorry. I have a whole video where I explain all of that in detail and I will again link that up for you here at the end, which would probably be wise for you to watch. No matter which one you're, no matter which category your loved one's in. Because sometimes you can find yourself in that situation very quickly and you want to know what to do. Now if your loved one is in an imminent danger type situation, as in their use is really out of control, they've had overdoses, you're very, very scared for their life. You can try to get the person involuntary committed to treatment. Now this is different based on where you live. But for the most part, if you're in the United States, there are laws that involved safety, involuntary commitment for substance use. But I'm going to warn you, it is more difficult to get someone involuntary committed for substance abuse problems than it is for like threats of suicide and things like that, because it's kind of gray and it's difficult to prove. If you're going to do this, I need you to realize this probably isn't going to solve the big picture problem. But if someone's in imminent danger, it's important to take steps to keep them safe so they can be safe long enough to figure out what next steps to take. This can get a little bit complicated due to the situation. And I'm going to go ahead and warn you now, it is harder to prove that someone is imminently a danger to themselves. Or others than you might think. You might think, well, they're using heroin every day, they're injecting, they're doing opiates like, oh my gosh, they're going to overdose. Which you're right. But you have to prove that the person is an imminent danger to themselves. And like I said, that can be really difficult. So if you find yourself in a position to where you're talking to a police officer or a physician or a judge, you're going to have to give all of the evidence, tell them all the stuff you know. Because in order for a judge to sign off that someone is going to be involuntarily held and assessed. There has to be a lot of evidence. So make sure you're explaining all of that to the doctor, the nurse, the police officer, whoever it is that you are interacting with. And you may be worried that this person is going to be mad at you. Chances are they are going to be mad at you. But if you truly think that they may not live through this, then you're just going to have to deal with the fact that they're going to be mad at you. Even counselors do this. Even as a counselor, this is a choice that we have to make. Sometimes we don't make it very often, but if, if I'm worried about a client and they're really going to hurt themselves or someone else, you may just have to risk your relationship with the person in order to keep them safe. Sometimes you got to ask yourself, would I rather them be alive and mad at me or would I rather something bad happen and then it be on my conscious? I think you know the answer to that. I know that this is a big complicated issue and there's no one size fits all answer to any situation. But I hope this at least helps give you some ways of thinking about your situation, triaging your situation so you can figure out what are the next steps. Those videos I mentioned earlier about getting someone out of denial or dealing with someone who's threatening self harm, I'm going to put those up here for you to watch next. And again, more resources and links in the description.