Surviving Addiction: Navigating Life with an Addicted child

Day two of Campbell. Kind of exciting. Didn't think I had it in me, but maybe I do. All right, so yesterday, I talked a lot about what we need to do to change our parenting role and to help get our children into treatment so they can, you know, start to get better from their addiction. Today, we're going to talk about how to do it, what we need to actually do to be able to change our role. And it's going to take grit, and I love to talk about grit. In fact, I write about it all the time. In the positive parenting group, which is in our membership, grit is defined as the ability to tolerate the unthinkable in order to attain our passion. We're going to talk about the unthinkable in a second. But you guys are here, you know, like your passion. Our passion is to get our children better, and that's what we're. That's our main passion in this group, for sure. Our passion also, though, is going to, as we talk about this more today, is going to hopefully expand to ourselves and sort of reclaiming us through this process. So the unthinkable is really sort of can be drilled down to, like, one basic thing, which is we cannot protect our children from the world. We just cannot. We cannot change who they are. We have to let them figure this out. We have to. As we are now into post treatment, we're into, you know, recovery. We're into their sobriety. We have to be able to let go of our old role as parents. And I think for a lot of us, that is unthinkable because we really haven't really had to think about it. And for a lot of us as parents with addictions, we had to get there faster, maybe sooner than some regular parents who don't have to do it till their kids are in their mid-20s, and some of us have to do it in the mid to late teens. Understanding and accepting that our role in their journey toward treatment, which was yesterday, is very, very, very different than surrounding them in their recovery. To change our role in general is to look at our parenting role in general. We have to stop focusing on them. Doesn't mean we don't love them. It doesn't mean we can't be parents. It just means we don't focus on them, and we certainly don't do any of those things we talked about yesterday, which is, you know, fixing their problems, snowplowing their lives, sort of taking over their. Their errors to come. Yesterday, I had a really good conversation with a client of mine, and she Introduced me to something one of her friends says, which is the concept of care without carrying. And I thought that was beautiful. I thought it was really well put and made a whole lot of sense to me. And that's what we're going to be talking about today. And one of the reasons to do this is it really is going to help not feed shame. As we continue to focus and dance around the maypole of our children, they just really feel a lot of shame about their addiction because they know that we still worry about them. They know that we are still focused on them. They know that they've kind of hijacked our lives and that feels shame, which is the opposite of what we all want to do. So that's another reason is to do this is we're trying to go the opposite. We are going to. By us going toward ourselves as parents, we are going to be reinforcing that tag, you're it message which increases pride and independence. So that's what we're looking for. You can still offer empathy and validation to your kids when they bring a problem to you. You can still say, man, that's terrible. I hate that you're going through that. But you're very smart, you can handle it. I'm here if you want some bounce back. But you're going to be able to handle your life. That's sort of the ultimate. But how do we do that? Is the ticket. So the first thing we have to do is we have to recognize that we all intuitively parent what I call hierarchically. So that is parent on top, kid down here. And yes, when they're one to two years old, we need to do this because they can't get out of their crib, they can't hold their own bottle, they can't change their diapers, they can't feed themselves. We are completely on top of. But starting at 3, we should begin the process of pulling back and out. And by the time they're 16 to 18, it should be pretty what I call whoops. They're not even relational, which is, yeah, we're older and a little bit wiser, but we're really close to equal with them. So that the relationship doesn't use words like need, should, ought. It doesn't fix problems. It's a bounce. It's a bounce back system. It's something where you say, well, tell me what you're thinking. And I talked about this in the video of my daughter when she was in med school, wanting to go up to see her friend for the birthday same Week. A hurricane's coming to South Carolina and she has her first test in med school. So that's a good video to watch. Just to remind you about how relational parenting still is parenting, but it completely changes the flavor of it, which is fabulous for them. And I am telling you, liberating for you. Just wonderful to parent like this. So it involves a couple steps. Let go and let learn. Let them go and let them learn. This is my favorite step, reconnect with and reclaim ourselves. This is my topic of 2023. It is absolutely how I'm trying to live my life. Where I'm going with my messaging to all of you guys is to reconnect and reclaim ourselves. We'll talk about that again in a second. And then I think that hard. One of the hardest things to do as a parent is to recognize that we can be happy even if they're not happy. And I hate that saying that we're only as happy as our least unhappy child. I don't believe in that at all. I think that's ridiculous. But we have to train ourselves to be happy even if they're not, and to be happy with the choices they make even if they are happy, but we don't like them. So one of the ways to do this, you guys, is to sort of envision. Envision a wagon wheel, like, remember, like an old timey wooden wagon wheel, and had the. The middle part, the center. That's. That's you, that's us. Okay, now the center obviously is no good. It doesn't turn the wheel because it needs the spokes. And the spokes are what's connected to the outer rim. Today we're going to be talking about the spokes. How do we rebuild the spokes in our lives so that our children can live their lives and we can have this good relational relationship and we can live in the thriving phase that I talked about briefly yesterday. The thriving phase of being a parent with addiction is being happy. It is reclaiming ourselves. It is doing well in life. It is feeling connected to anything that's important to us as well as us, and doing well. Okay? So for these spokes, everyone gets to define their spokes as they want to define their spokes for me. Their work, travel, friends, projects, love a project. My spouse, my kids are absolutely in it. The arts, going to plays, going to theaters, traveling and, and sort of starting to work through that bucket list of, you know, we're middle aged, maybe beyond. And so I need to start doing the things that matter to me in my life. This is my life. It is not my dress rehearsal. I can no longer live my life based upon how my children are doing. It's not good for them, it's not good for me. So I think that's what we really want you guys to think of. What I want you guys to think about is what can those folks be for you? What do those look like for you? They can be. They can be different. Like some people to go back to school. I think that's one of the things that helped me shift away from pure and utter addiction focus, even though I work in the field, is that I went back to school and I found sort of my space in the. In the recovery world. I found my. Where I wanted to spend my energy on addiction anymore. And it's not on what my kids are doing or not doing or how well they're doing or where their money's going or any of those things that used to matter so much to me and were so important. Another way to look at this, if this spoke thing doesn't help you so much, is like. If we were all like little circles and our children are circles and we're circled in the old days, hierarchical parenting. The circles are pretty enmeshed, right? We're right on top of them to develop this relational thing. We pull out and we bump, kind of bump up next to each other. But you want to have way more circles in your bubble or whatever's holding these circles, which you can also bump up to. And those are your college friends or your high school friends or your neighbors or your co workers or your job or a new project you want to start at work or places you want to go, or things you want. These, these other things you. You have to identify and give yourself permission to feed and grow and foster so that you have these circles, these things to bump up against. Otherwise, our children are obviously in this bubble of circles. And if we don't have these other things, then, duh, we are just going to keep bumping up on our children. And they don't like that. They don't want us to do that. They want to fly. I think one of the hardest things I've learned about being a parent is that we raise them up and then we let them go. But we don't like it. And with addiction, we've trained ourselves that we can't. Because if we take our eye off the prize, then will they relapse or who will pay for their rent or what will happen? And we can't live like that anymore. That tag I Met message has got to be implied to them. And it's really the easiest delivered when you're just less available because you're living your life. You're living a better life that's more about you and less about them is a great way for them to get the message of, I have to take care of myself. Oh, the happiness wheel. I like that, Emily. That's a really good. I like that. Solid. Yeah, the happiness wheel. So. And you can have as many spokes on your happiness wheel as you want to have. And you know, you don't want to. But. But conversely, you guys, you don't want to feel compelled to have like 24 or something that. That becomes a. A job in and of itself. These are things that just sort of drift back to you. Like, I'd forgotten that I like to do a lot of things before we had addiction in our lives. We just. I forgot about them. Like, they, they went so far down the totem pole of mattering because I was so frantically trying to keep two kids alive. And you're right, Nancy. We absolutely become addicted to our children. We are as addicted to our children as they are to drugs or alcohol. And I think that's a really good connection right here, is that as we want them, desperately, need them, encourage them, pay for them to do is to become not addicted to those things. We can't be addicted to them anymore either, because we're not even modeling appropriate recovery. We're. We're. We're doing the untenable, which is to do what we don't want them to do. So this says there's 30 spokes share the hub of a wheel, yet at center makes it useful. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, you guys are, you know, your wheels. This is good. So I think that that's sort of the, the gist of what I want to talk about today. I also want you to recognize that this is not a sprint, you guys. You are not going to watch this video and hang up and have this beautiful wagon WH of 30 spokes that's functioning beautifully. Just like they are not going to go to treatment or live their young adult life perfectly. So we are looking at. It's not a sprint is a marathon, and that's okay. And just go back to that old fabulous AA adage, which is it's progress, not perfection. If you can even add one smoked cherry wheel this week or this month. High five. If you can add just only one next month. Again, good job. But keep going. Don't get overwhelmed at 2 and. Or equally as Importantly, feel guilty and wrong that you are letting go of your children being the only spoke. It's okay to add these folks. It's okay to be a person. It is okay to be happy. Okay. That's very important. So joy in life is vital. And one of the ways that you can do it is through this process of redefining parenthood. It's, it's, we really should redefine parenthood when they're in middle school and we don't. We absolutely need to redefine it when they're in high school and most of us don't. And we a hundred percent should be redefining it when they're college and a lot of us don't. So that's, that's what I'm going to talk about today now and see what questions we have. I hope that you guys can take advantage of this membership discount. Like, there's some really good stuff on that. There's good stuff on that about grit that I talked about today. And there's some really good stuff. I think my wagon wheel is a new metaphor. I think I did it. Something about the pie that's in the membership under the ppg, the positive parenting group. So there's a lot of reinforcement and a lot of different ways to look at some of the stuff I've talked about yesterday and today that I think will be useful. Sometimes it's good to see it in written and video content over and over and over. So that kind of clicks in your head the way it clicks in your head. Okay, so I have a question. I don't know which one I'm supposed to be answering. Well, I'm gonna go with this one. What if we set a boundary of say, paying rent for our 18 year old son and he doesn't pay us or doesn't get a job? Well, Emily, if you're gonna set a boundary, you have to, must be able to hold it. So don't set it. If you, then you can't follow it up with, well, you didn't pay. So unfortunately living here isn't going to be an option. You've got a 30 day notice. I'm sure you'll be able to find somewhere to live and have the money to pay that rent. At the end of that notice you have do not ever set a boundary if you're not going to hold it. So that's my, my answer to that one. Gail. This says, oh, thank you, Bri. My son is very mentally ill. He has severe alcohol use disorder and so much depression. That he wants to die. Do these principles still apply? So sick to see. You can't even see how sick he is. No, I don't think that they do. I think though, you, you have to sort of recognize where you are in your journey with this. And, and if you get, if you're sick and tired of being sick and tired and feel that his mental illness is an emotional blackmail, that's one layer of treating it. If they're just mentally ill, you really do, you don't have that many options. This country doesn't do a very good job on long term mentally ill people. However, you have said he has a severe alcohol problem. And at that juncture, I do think that what we talked about would hold to see, like to get him sober and then you can see what's left over with the mental illness. And maybe you can't quite step out of the parenting role. You can't step out very much at all based upon what's actually left as mental illness. That alcohol use disorder, it makes them look not well and it causes a lot of depression. So I still say treat that first if you possibly can and then see what's left and go from there. So I hope that helped. We have another one. Oh, look at this. I've really been able to focus on things that make me happy because I'm up north and my son who's addicted to marijuana is downstate. I imagine it'll be harder when I return to our house. Downstate. Yeah, don't go back. It could be harder. But if you apply what we've talked about today and sort of read some of those resources that we have available for you, it might be harder, but it's not going to be hard and it's not going to be impossible. And the very fact that you've gotten better at it and you can, you can cherish that happiness and you can, you know, feel that difference that's making in you is going to make you more able to, to do that even if you live closer to him. Yeah, absence definitely makes this easier to do. And distance and space definitely make it easier to do, but that's true of anything. So practice doing those things whether he's in your house or in the same town as you are or not. Because it's the same, it's the same skill. You just have to put it into play. Maybe a titch harder so. But good job. I'm glad you could recognize that. All right. My 24 year old daughter smokes weed daily. She works two jobs and shares A place with a friend. The only time she contacts me is when she needs money. Do I weaner off the help slowly or stop? Now I'm more of a wiener. I don't know if I go with slowly, but I definitely don't think you should just say, hey, btw, I'm not giving you any money. A is not fair, and B, you're just gonna start a giant fight. I would look at it more or have the conversation more with her. Don't mention the weed. That's absolutely not your side of the street. Is just say, hey, I feel like I'm over parenting you, and I think that I'm going to look at weaning you off of my financial health over the next three months, two months, four months, whatever. That's up to you. Kind of. I would sort of look at where. What are those. Where are you helping her? How many places are you helping her? And then figure out if there's four. And I want to take one away a month or two. Two away a month and do it in two months. Whatever. But. And just start with, hey, I realize I've been over parenting you and that's not good for our relationship and I'm sure you don't like it, so I'm going to start tagging these. These bills over to you. You've got two jobs. You're a hard worker. You can totally manage this. I will always love you, and I would love to take you to dinner and take you to lunch and buy new shoes every now and then. But as far as paying your bills, I think it's time for you to do that. And I know you'll do a good job. That's how I would roll it out. I don't think she's going to take it like that because that's clearly going to cut into her weed budget. But that's for her to learn and manage or not manage. But if. If she doesn't manage it and the. The financial things, we continue or resume even after a brief level of success, you can't fix that. If you're weaning, you're weaning. You don't go back and offer breast milk if you got them on a bottle. So if you're going to do it, know you're doing it for a purpose and know you're doing it within a time frame and that you're doing it forever. If you stop suddenly, I think you're just gonna start a fight. All right, Mary, I was so involved in my son's success in life that now it's been difficult to step out of the downfall. However, I think you've given me a key to moving forward and getting them to move forward. Thanks. Oh, well, that was very nice of you. If they want, someone else is saying if they want no contact, should we just give up and not make any attempts with alcohol disorder? I hate these kind of questions because it's so sad. Yeah, I think you should honor their request. But I don't know any parent who or certainly a mom, excuse me, who is just gonna like never try. So what I would do maybe is sending I love you every now and then or maybe hey, saw this show, thought you might like it. Send a contact or a touch point that doesn't require an answer and definitely don't parent. Sorry guys. Definitely don't parent, don't, don't teach, lecture, remind or do any hierarchical thinking talking at all. If you want to change the interrelational relationship, they might want more contact as they learn to trust that and see that you're not going to be over parenting them again. So sometimes I think it's just they don't want you to contact them because they're afraid you're going to parent them. And if you'll stop, they really don't mind the contact so much. I hope I survived this. So I hope that answers your question. Oh, so that's the last question. Oh, Bryce says I finally reached the point of let go and let learn. But my spouse is not there yet and thinks our 18 year old daughter needs the support. Any advice for us? Yeah, my advice for you is to recognize that you're just ahead of your wife and wait patiently and kindly for her to catch up. If you stop talking about it, stop fixing it, she'll catch up. That's pretty common. Your wife will get tired of it. So let that go. Oh, thank you. Oh, my people, my people brought me cough drops. Oh, this is awesome. I'm gonna need a ride home. You. We always have to work to the softer heart and in this case it's your wife. So let her, let her have her space. You do not want to push or shove her into a space of joining you before she's ready because if something bad happens, you're going to get blamed and then your relationship's going to take a ding. This is super, super common. We had it in our relationship. I just saw some new clients, they have it, it's I would say 85% common. So your wife's not crazy, she just got a softer heart. All right. Hey, Campbell. I've been practicing the methods you teach ever since I had an email session with you. It's been very hard, but also empowering. If I suddenly died, he'd be forced to figure it out. You're right. I hope you don't, but you're right. They have to eventually figure this out. We cannot parent them to their grave. It's just not logistically possible with addiction or without. J. II okay, we'll give you guys a few more minutes and see if somebody wants to throw a question up there. I really encourage you guys to think about your wagon wheel or your. Your DOT space and think about what those things are. You've seen some comments even today of people who've been doing it, and it's worked. So it's not just me. I'm not just like, you know, joyful joy. It is possible, and you can do it, and you will. It'll be liberating. Everyone around you will notice it and appreciate it, and you will start to see the smiles in your own face more and more and more, and your heart will just get fuller and fuller. And that's. That's what we want for all of you. So if that's it, then thank you so much for letting me do two live days with you in a row. Oh, there's one. My son's 31 out of detox going to sober living. We have offered to pay for the first month at sober living, but to not help out with the expenses his accumulated because of his drinking. Good, good. Nice call. I like it. It's kind, it's generous. But it's not fixing his problems, and it's not telling the disease that it's all okay, which fixing his problems generally does. So that as he's going through this first month or so of sober living, he'll recognize, I do have some problems, therefore, I don't want to go back and drink. I can handle my problems. Now, that being said, let's fast forward at six months out, and he still has a little bit of debt, but he's doing beautifully. And he decides he wants to go back to school or change jobs or live into a different apartment. But this last 500 worth or so of the debt from the old problems is just in the way at that point. If you got six months of sobriety and you want to help out a little bit, and I mean like no more than $500 or so, it's okay. All right? We want to love them in their recovery and support them in that. Not well, you that that problem happened because you were an addict, so I'm not touching it. So if they're doing well, I don't have a problem with you fixing it a little bit. Do I have a book I recommend and when do we call you for coaching? That's a good question. I don't have a book I recommend. I, I really like the Happiness Happiness Hyp, which could be the book I review in our membership in August. Not sure. I, I like. I like a lot of books. The books that I talk about in our membership that I do in the Campbell's $0.02 book review, all of those but one have had lots of good positive meaning for me and have really sort of supported what we're talking about here, which is changing our role as parents and, and enjoying our life as an individual. So check those out. Amber said she had to change the code. So it's the same thing as it was yesterday, but as an S. A capital S after the K, if you are looking for that for the discount on the membership. So just that's a, a logistics note. All right. One last thing, AJ Trying to improve the relationship I have with my son who's in rehab but now working and living on his own, I find it difficult to find a balance between listening to him and not over parenting. Well, if he's talking a lot about problems and it's causing you to find to have difficulty in that balance between bad and parenting, then you can put some boundaries down on topics you do and do not want to talk about with them. And you can shut them down very kindly and lovingly by just saying something like, hey bud, like, this is something you're going to totally be able to handle on your own and it's going to cause me to jump in and like over dad, you. And I don't want to do that. So let's talk about something more neutral. Let's talk about something more fun. I. Speaking of that, saw this great thing on Netflix. Thought you'd really like it. It's about this man and his bond with an octopus. Like pick a show and just sort of train him that you're not going to have this parenting conversations and that you don't want to constantly live in this place of keeping the balance. You want to shift more and more, more so that you feel consistently good that you're not going to have those conversations. This could be a you training him job. All right, you guys, thank you so much. It was, it was actually don't tell Amber. Not that bad. And I enjoyed our topic and I hope that makes a lot of difference to you guys and those of you who need some help on it. I am more than happy to help. Kim can help and we can help you live your your best life. Thanks a lot you guys. Have a great one. By.