Terrible Addiction Recovery Advice That Everyone Believes (but shouldn't)!

We've all heard all of these very common addiction recovery sayings or pieces of advice, but even though we've heard them a million times and probably even said them ourselves, it's important to really sort of back up and look at it and say, is that really a truth? Is that really the most effective way to go about it? Because just because something's been said over and over and over again doesn't mean it's truth, and it definitely doesn't mean it's the most best effective way to go about doing something. So today I'm going to share with you some of the pieces of recovery advice that I hear all the time that aren't necessarily, like, completely untrue, but that I think deserve a little bit more critical thinking to decide, does this epotomy or does it not? And. And if it does, when does this apply to me? Because these things aren't just. We shouldn't just sort of take this all in and just believe it just because we've heard it. Okay? All right. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the Shovel Down. I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and this YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so you can get your family and your life back on track. Get back out there and live the life that you want to live. I want you to know you are not powerless. You do not have to hit rock bottom. And there are many things you can do to help an addicted loved one. If you want to be back in control of your life, subscribe to this channel, and I'll make sure you are always five steps ahead of addiction. And don't forget, hit the little bell if you want access to the bonus episodes. Now, some of the really common pieces of recovery advice that I don't necessarily completely agree you just heard in my intro. I don't believe that you're powerless. I do believe there are things that you can do to help someone else find recovery. And I definitely don't believe that you have to hit bottom to get better. Thus the name of this YouTube channel, which is Put the Shovel Down. The saying is, you hit your bottom when you put your shovel down. You can decide when that is. You decide how deep you want to dig. But those aren't even the ones I'm going to go over with you today. Those are the ones I say so often that most of you that follow me, you've heard me talk about those before. I'm going to talk about some different pieces of recovery advice that I Think we just need to take a little closer look at one of those pieces of recovery advice. I'm going to tell you now, I've definitely said this lots of times myself, and it's not the worst piece of advice. It's just that I think we should analyze it and decide, is this the best piece of advice for my situation or not? And that one is the old recovery setting of taking it one day at a time. Now let's look at where this comes from and why this might be a good piece of advice and maybe why this might not be the best piece of advice. So for most people, when you're really early in the process of getting sober, getting clean, or stopping any kind of addiction, the idea of living without that, whatever that addictive thing is, is super freaking scary, right? And it's been so long since you've had joy and happiness or anything good without that addictive thing in your life that you don't even know if life is worth living without it, right? And so the idea of going forever for the whole rest of your life without it seems very, very intimidating. And for a lot of people that I'm sure they want to do that. And so that's where the saying one day at a time comes from. If you're in that mindset of feeling like, I just cannot bear to think of, you know, living the rest of my life without having a drink or, you know, going without this forever, then sometimes it's helpful to say, well, I don't have to make a decision for the rest of my life. I can just focus on today. And that brings it down into a more manageable sort of bite size chunk, right? Because it's like, well, I've got today. And a lot of people, even people that have been sober for 20 years or something, they'll just say, I have today. That's all I have. That's all you have. We have this day that you're in. And there's a lot of truth in that. And there's something very helpful about thinking about, I don't have to make the decision forever. And it's many times when I've been working with people and they're, you know, they're not so sure about this whole idea. I'll say, why don't we just give it a try? Why don't we try it for 30 days, why don't we try it for, you know, six weeks or something? We'll see if you feel better. We'll see if it's bad as you think it Is now, if you're. If you're gonna do that, I will tell you, you have to do longer than two weeks. It has to be some number longer than two weeks, because first two weeks are gonna be kind of crappy, and you're not gonna get a really good feel for. Do you feel better without it? Because those first couple weeks, you're, like, in withdrawal, and your brain chemicals are stabilizing and you're moody, giant mess. But after that, you start to get a little bit better and a little bit better each day, and life isn't nearly as bad as you think it is. In fact, for most people, they feel so much better after they've been sober for, you know, at least. At least those two weeks more is better, but at least two. That they look back and they think, how did I even function that way? So in that regard, I'm a big fan of the one day at a time philosophy. But there's another side of the story, and I just want to sort of show you both sides, because on this channel, a big part of my goal is to sort of show you addiction from every angle. You know, the psychology, the biology, the individual, the family. I just want you to understand all of it, because I believe there are many pathways to recovery, and you have to find what fits you best. There's no bad reason to do it. There's no bad way to do it. Just do it. Okay? So the. The downside of the one day at a time philosophy is for a lot of people, when they're on the one day at a time philosophy in the back of their head, they're sort of counting down until, however their countdown is, until the one month that they agree to or until that they get out of, you know, detox or rehab or until they maybe don't even have, like, this deadline in their head. But they know that there's an until in mind. And so in some ways, that kind of thinking can definitely set you up, because. And some people would even say, well, you're not even in recovery because you're just waiting until your next drink. Even if it was three months or whatever, they might say you're not sober. I don't know that I would agree with the fact that you're not sober during that time. But I do think that there's definitely some validity to the idea that you're really just waiting until the next one. So I want you to think about that, and I also want you to sort of layer in another idea when we do this one day at a Time thing. It also sort of disallows us to think about ourselves as maybe a non addicted person, a non drinking person, a non drug user, a non gambler or whatever it is. And we're still hanging on to that old identity and we're in this one day at a time philosophy and we still see ourselves as this person who does X, Y or Z. It's kind of part of who we are, how we see ourselves. And that can get in the way of us accepting or you know, finding our new version of ourself and, and looking at ourselves differently. Because even when you're just looking at it through that lens of like, you know, I'm an addict, I'm not using today or whatever, but that's just for today. You're not giving yourself the opportunity to find the new you again. You're just waiting until, right? Another sort of flaw in the one day at a time theory comes from the idea that if you make some decisions in your life, if you'll just make them once, it's so much easier if you just decide. And I'm not saying this is for everyone, I'm just, I'm just want you to understand this sides of this is if you decide, look, I just don't do that anymore. That is a non option. You literally make the decision one time. You completely see yourself differently from that point forward and you don't have to go back to the question of it a hundred times a day. You don't have to do this, will I, won't I? And it's just a given. You don't have to spend so much time thinking about it. And in fact I think for a lot of people, once they really decide to get sober, they've just decided that was it. Like I'm done. Like I'm just done. I'm done for whatever reasons, right? And it's like a switch flips and they don't want to be that other way anymore. They don't want it, they don't want to be that person, they don't want that thing because at some point they realize like this thing, whatever this addictive thing is, it's not serving me anymore. It doesn't even work, it doesn't make me happy. It's literally doing nothing but ruin my life. Like most of the time if you're addicted to a substance, it doesn't even make you feel good anymore. In the end, you literally are just using to not be sick. And so once you come out and sort of really see the truth about what's going on with you, you don't view it the same way. And it's not like this, oh my gosh, I'm just being sober for today and it's so hard. And if I can just get through today, it becomes this whole different way of looking at things, of like, I'm done, I don't want it. And when you can make that switch, it's a lot easier. There's no bad way to recovery. One day at a time works. One hour at a time works. But there's another thing that happens for some people and some people, like in an old school, 12 step recovery, they might say something like the desire was lifted. They'll talk about, they'll say the desire was just lifted. And what's really happened here is somewhere along the way you make that decision that you're just done and you stop seeing it as something that you really, really want, but you can't have. Because whenever you're doing that, it's like you're depriving yourself, which makes you want it even more. It's just a complete switch in thinking. Now as I go through these, I would love it if you guys would tell me if you have any experience with any of these pieces of recovery advice. What do you think? Like, does the one day at a time thing, is it helpful for you? Is it not helpful for you? Like I said, I think it can be helpful. I've used that with clients before. I've said let's go on this plan right here. And for other people I've said, look, it's time to really just sort of reassess the situation because then you don't see yourself as in this deprivation stage anymore. You just see yourself as, that's the old man, this is the new me. That's it done. Shut, shut the door. And I know I'm. It may sound overly simplified, but it really is. Because when you have to make that decision over and over, you get decision fatigue. One day something's going to happen and your willpower is going to be ran low, you're going to have to have a bad day, you're going to be hungry, you didn't get enough sleep the night before, you got bad news and then you get put yourself in the wrong situation and then you have to make the decision to not do it. And in that moment you can be really low on willpower when you really needed it and that's when you can find yourself in a bad relapse kind of situation. Whereas if you've Shifted this gear in your head of that's not who I am anymore. I don't do that. Like that's literally I'm like a non drinker, I'm a non smoker, I'm a whatever. Then it's not a choice you make even if your willpower is low, even if you're in that situation. It's literally that Choice was made six months ago or 10 years ago or three days ago. And it's not a choice that you revisit again. It's just a different way of thinking. I would also love to know, not only have you had any experience with that one, the one day at a time one, but also what pieces of recovery advice have you heard that you feel like maybe we're just not the best pieces of recovery advice? Because I'm going to give you a couple more. I'm going to give you three total today. But I'm guessing that you have had a lot of pieces of advice and suggestions that maybe aren't the best suggestions. Maybe not for everybody, but not the best suggestions for yourself. All right, so the next one I'm going to give you is this idea that some, that everyone who has a addiction of any sort should go to treatment and go to treatment like immediately. I don't think that's the best advice either. First of all, not everyone needs to go. When, when I say go to treatment, what I mean, when I say that, I say what I think most people think of, which is like inpatient, 30, 60, 90 day treatment, like big, I call it big Cat Daddy treatment. Like the big deal. Not everyone needs that. So I don't think we should always jump to the conclusion that that's what's warranted in every case. It is warranted in some cases. I'm not saying it's not just saying it shouldn't be an immediate. And not only that, I think when it comes to being in that level of treatment, timing is very important. And so let me explain a little bit more about what I mean by timing. Like, sometimes some of us see this a lot, see this a lot, especially with like parents and like younger kids, like teenagers or maybe like a 20 year old or 22 year old or something and they want to push the person immediately into treatment. Now a lot of times they really do need to be in treatment in those kind of situations. But, but the pan, the, the stage isn't set effectively. Now you guys already know, or most of you already know that I don't believe you have to hit bottom and lose Everything to want to get better. So that's not what I'm about to say. I'm has the person hit the bottom, but you do have to wait for a couple of things here. I want you to think about a couple things before you put someone in Big Cat Daddy treatment. Okay. Or yourself and Big Cat, the scale has to tip. You don't have to lose everything, but it has to be to the point where, where the person, if they're, you know, they may not tell you this, but you know that they know that it's causing more problems than it's helping. Right. It has to be more cons than pros. So if, if a person's addiction has not got to that point yet, then it's not the time. Even, even if it has to you, and you can see that if it hasn't to them, and you know that they truly don't believe that they have an addiction, then it's probably not the time to push someone into treatment. And the, and the reason is because when they get out, they're going to finish that cycle. And, and Big Cat Daddy treatment is very expensive and it's very difficult to get someone to agree to go. And you really, you probably most people are just not going to get that many chances to have that kind of help. And so it's kind of like the ace card. And you don't want to play your ace card on the first hand, the first round, like you, you want to be strategic about when you play the ace card. It's kind of like another way to think of it is like taking antibiotics. You know, like the doctor doesn't want to give you antibiotic every time you sneeze. Right. And the reason is, is because your body will get immune to that. Well, addiction treatment is very similar. If you send someone to that kind of treatment where they're getting all that intensive stuff, but they're not quite there yet, they're not quite ready, then they not only have you wasted a lot of time and money, but you've almost kind of like made the person immune to that because they've heard it all before and they're like, I didn't heard all that before. It didn't work for me. Right. And when they get to the point they really need it, they don't think that's going to help them because they've undone that kind of like an antibiotic. Like, if you. You got to use it strategically, you've got to make decisions. So part of it is, has the scale tipped now? I Don't think you have to wait till someone wants to go to treatment. Because let me tell you what, that ain't going to happen. No one's going to want to go to treatment. A lot of times people can be like, I can do this on my own. I don't need to go to treatment. And I think it's still okay to kind of encourage them strongly to do so, as long as they are to the point where at least they can see they've got to make a change. Because a lot of people will get to the point where they know it's a problem. They know they got to make a change. They're just in denial about what it's going to take to make that change. And so in that kind of situation, I think it's, it's okay to, to push someone, encourage someone strongly. I, I really think you need to do this and, and sometimes even leverage it if that's what needs to be. Because a lot of times people are, maybe they're not denial about the addiction, but they're in denial about what it's going to take to get better. I think that that's a, that's still an okay time. Now, in the best case scenario, best case scenario when it comes to like timing of a treatment like that is if the family will, the family can help. It doesn't have to happen this way, but the family can help in situations where it's family involved can help by using some of the techniques that we talk about on this channel so much like the craft method and motivational interviewing and the things that we teach inside of like our invisible intervention course. If you can do those things, like literally what you're doing is you're preparing the ground for whatever kind of help someone gets. Even if it's not big cat day training, treatment. But it's like they decide to go to an IOP or they decide to go to counseling. If the family will take the time and not immediately try to shove the person into treatment and, and teal the soil, or what is it called? Am I saying that right? I feel like I said that wrong. You know? You know what I'm saying? Like prepare the ground. It will take much better. And there are some ways to do that. And I talk about that in other videos. Like I have a whole playlist about how to get someone out of denial and taking steps towards change and all that kind of stuff. But that's the best case scenario if you want treatment, if you want to make sure treatment has the strongest chance to Take now, like I said, I'm not saying we're waiting till they say I want to go to treatment because that's probably just not going to happen. But it can. If you work some of the craft method and invisible intervention methods, you can get a person to that point. They probably don't want to go to treatment, but they're going to be willing to go to treatment. And so there's just some key ingredients. You got to know that the person knows that it is a problem. Now, the person's probably not going to agree that they need that amount of help. But can you get the person to say, yeah, I got a problem. You. They don't have to say, I'm the worst drug addict or alcoholic ever to walk the planet. They don't have to say, I'm, you know, like, hopefully they don't have saying that. They just have to say, like, they just have to know that it's a problem and something's got to be done and at least be in that mindset. Now, I hope you guys are putting up your bad pieces of advice up there because I'm going to tell you the last one. And once I tell you that, then I'm going to go through and hear what bad pieces of advice you guys have. Now, the last one that I have for you is this. I've heard a lot of clients say this, and families sometimes have this possibly too. And it's that the person, the person with the addiction needs to have a sponsor or a counselor or a doctor or whoever. That's just a total hard ass. I've even had clients tell me, like, I just really need to have a hard ass sponsor or whatever, I'm like, okay, let's talk about that. Is that really true? Because in my experience, if someone acts like a hard ass to you, no matter what the issue is, whether it's at work or addiction or your mom or your dad or whatever, it doesn't take very well because as humans, we're naturally defensive. Like, even if we know we're in the wrong about something, or even if we know any change, something, someone comes at us in a real, like, attacking way, we're gonna be defensive. Like it's natural. It's like a reflex. I was talking to a client this week who knew that, that they had really messed up and they had made a bad mistake, but they couldn't talk about it without being defensive with their loved one. And I'm like, okay, like you made the mistake, but why are you being so defensive about it? Like, because I know that you know, but it's like, well, because you feel under attack. So I think it's okay to be real tough on someone. But never before you have a really good relationship. Now. There are times that you can be tough on someone. Like with the, with the person I was just telling you about that I had earlier this week that had messed up. I said I'm just going to not take you side on this one. You know, I usually got you side but on this one you just in the wrong. You really just wrong. Let me tell you why. But I could do that because we had long history together and we were close enough that I could say that to that person without destroying. If you are someone new and fragile and early in recovery process and you are trying to be vulnerable and talk to someone and get some help, whether it's sponsor, counselor, whoever, and they're just on your ass and they're just telling you what a screw up you are and how if you don't do exactly what they say, you're never gonna get right. I'm telling you, it's just not going to land well. And I think family members, they think, well, I just need them to go see Amber, she's going to tell them what's up or whatever. And I will. But not like day one, it's a mistake. And families, you guys know this because you done told it to them and it hadn't worked. You just think I have. Like if Amber tells us it's going to work or if the sponsor tells to them, they're going to hear it different. They're going to hear it different because you got to say it different and you gott build the trust. You guys know if you, if your family watching this and you watch my family videos and you guys know that I talk all the time, like you got to build the trust and the credibility and they got to know that you get them and that you are on their side. Like for real. Not like families always say, like, you know, I'm here to support you and I'm on your side. But they really feel like you're attacking them. You, you really have to sort of align with them. And then like I said, you can be direct with people and you can say, you know, help someone see things that are really tough. Just like you can be a really good best friend to someone and sometimes if you're really good best friend someone, you have to tell them something that maybe they have a blind spot about or that they don't want to hear. And you can do that because you're close enough with them to do that. You can't do that as a stranger. You know, you have to have that relationship there. So that's. That's just another one. The whole idea of, like, I need somebody that's a total hard ass, and I'll throw this one as kind of like a subset. Bad piece of advice under here. This is the one that I always hesitate to say, because this is the one I can get a lot of flack for or one of the ones I get a lot of flack for. And that's that people in recovery, y' all know I love you. I gotta say this. People in recovery are usually the hardest asses of all the hard asses of anyone out there that's gonna help you in this journey. Now, people always say, like, well, it's best if you have someone that's been there. And I think being recovery can either make you a really, really excellent, great counselor, doctor, sponsor, coach. Either makes you really great, or it really makes you terrible. Let me tell you why I can make you terrible. So just because someone isn't recovery doesn't make them the best. Let me explain why I say you can be really great, but a lot of people in recovery, they're just super hard asses because they kind of have this, like, arrogance about them where it's like, I got my together. Why can't you? Like, they're. They're just. They don't exactly say that, but they kind of say that, and they have this attitude about it, and it's like, why? I learned the hard way. You need to learn the hard way. You know what I'm saying? Like, and. And a lot of times people in recovery who are trying to help other people, they can't always separate their story from the other person's story. And so they. They think, number one, that this person has to do it exactly the way I did it. And. And they think, well, if I did all these bad things, this person probably did all these bad things, you know? And I just think if you're in recovery and you're helping other people, I think that's great. I think we do more. But I think you've got to be able to have a little objectivity, and you got to step back and figure out how did you get there. And the other thing is. And I think this is funny is. And this is. My own clients say this. The ones have been so forever, they'll look back on when they got sober, and they literally, I'm telling you, they remember it wrong because they'll. They don't remember it exactly the way it went down. And, you know, I know because I was freaking there. I got notes in my chart about it, okay? Like, I took notes on it five years ago when you're in my office or whatever. And they'll say, I just got sick and tired and I just needed to hit that bottom and I just needed to have no other choice. And I got sober. And I'm like, oh, dude, he stayed in my office for three months. You told me how terrible your wife was and how it wasn't fair and how this and how that. I'm like, this did not happen the way you remember it. It's funny because people remember it that way, that it didn't really happen. You know why people remember that way? It's because people told them that's how they got sober. And that person, sponsor told him that's how they got sober. And so they think that's how. That's the only way people get sober. So they, like, literally re. Remember their story wrong, y'. All. Don't kill. Don't. One of my favorite YouTubers, she says, don't come for me. Don't come for me. I'm just saying, like, if you're in recovery, I think that's great. You can absolutely use your experience to help someone. But use your experience with empathy and use your experience with objectivity, because I'm telling you, sometimes people recovery are like, the least empathetic. I know that sounds crazy. People always say, well, I want someone in recovery to be my doctor or whatever, because they think the person's gonna be more empathetic. But actually, people in recovery, there's more like, dude, you just gonna have to learn our way. They're just. They're tougher. So think. Think through that. All right? All right, I'll put those links up here for you. And I do have a bonus live session for you tomorrow if you want to hang out. I have someone. We're going to do an interview with someone with a gambling addiction because I've been getting some requests to cover some of those process addictions like gambling addiction and video game addiction and shopping addiction, that kind of thing. So tomorrow we'll be live with that. Hope to see you there. Bye, everybody. I'd like to send a big heartfelt thanks to all of you who helped support this channel. Your likes, shares and donations are helping us spread the message of recovery. And without you, this wouldn't be possible. Now this next video has been hand selected to go right along with this one. And don't forget to check the description for additional resources.