The Best Way To Communicate your Boundaries

Boundaries. Not really just set boundaries, but actually communicate boundaries. That's what we're going to talk about in today's video. For those of you who are new here, welcome to Put the shovel down. This YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you are always five steps ahead of it so that you can get back to living the life that you want to live and you can be in control. Today we're going to talk about boundary setting. Now, this topic is truly important. Whichever side of the addiction you're on, it doesn't matter. This topic is important. Whether you're the family member, you're the person that has the addiction, you're a counselor, or you don't have anything to do with addiction at all, you probably want to know how to set and communicate effective boundaries. And so today we're going to learn how to do that. Now, for those of you who aren't new here and you, you are here regularly with me live, I will tell you that my Internet's out today, and it's been out for, like, four hours. I'm waiting for him to fix it. So going live from my phone, which is not. I haven't done that in, like, two years, so I will have to remember how to do that. I'm gonna try to keep up with Yalls comments, but I can't scroll back through them like I usually can. So I'm just gonna have to do the best that I can. All right, here we go. So the most effective way to communicate a boundary is not to verbally communicate a boundary. You see, that's where most people mess it up. They want to tell people what they can and can't do or what they will and won't do. And so it's kind of like if you say to your kid, like, you can't have drugs in this house. You can't come home drunk anymore. Or even if you try to say, I'm not gonna allow you to have drugs in this house, or I'm not gonna allow you to come home drunk anymore. I know a lot of you, you want to communicate that way because you're like, oh, I'm doing boundaries, right? Because Amber says boundaries are about your behavior, not their behavior. That's right. If you're thinking that, then you are half right. Because you can't tell other people what they can and can't do. You really can't. Even if. Even if they're just like a teenager living in your house. It doesn't. It's Just not very effective to tell people what they can and can't do. Whether you think you should or shouldn't be able to do that isn't the question. Doesn't work. You can, however, set boundaries for your own behavior. And even if. But even if you've got that part of the equation right, then you may be caught up in this idea of thinking that if I verbalize that to the other person, then they're gonna get it, and then they're gonna treat me differently because I've put my foot down, I've said what I'm gonna put up with and what I'm not gonna put up with, and they're gonna. They're gonna act right? They're gonna respect my boundaries. And so many of you that have tried that, you've gotten very, very, very frustrated. So let's talk about why the verbally communicating it. It's just not the most effective way to do it. The first thing about that is you got to get it out of your head that you have to give people fair warning most of the time. Most of our boundaries are pretty common sense, right? But we feel like we have to, like, give people all these chances. And it's like, if I don't tell it to you, then I haven't treated you fair. Well, there are some things that you just shouldn't have to tell, right? Like, if you keep stealing from me, I'm not gonna let you live here. Do you really need to say that? Is that, like a thing that you need to say out loud, or is that kind of like a. A general understanding in the universe that most people could kind of wrap their head around? Right. Most things don't need to be said anyway, and you do not have to give, like, warnings and stuff. So first, get that. Get that thought out of your head, because it's not true. But secondly, what happens, and this is the most important one, really, is because when. When people try to communicate it verbally to other people, you have in your mind that. Because you've communicated it now, it's like you've set this new rule, and the person is going to respect that. And I'm telling you, it just doesn't work that way. And another person isn't going to shift how they treat you until you treat. Until you change how you treat you. And so the best way to communicate boundaries is by your behaviors. So, for example, if you're trying to set a boundary around how much you are or not going to help someone financially, telling someone, hey, I'm tired Of you coming to me, asking me for money all the time. That's the only time you call me is when you're in crisis, you want something, and I'm just not going to do it anymore. That's not that. It's not that effective because they're going to call you again. They're going to test it. Right? The best way to communicate that is to either not answer the phone when they call you to do that or to say, oh, I'm really, really sorry about that. Can't help you. You don't have to go into a lecture about it. You don't have to tell them why or why not. You don't have to say, I'm broke and I can't. You don't have to say because you're not feeling their addiction. Because the more you talk, the more words you say, especially if it's dealing with an addiction kind of topic, the more likely you are to just start a big giant argument. Right? And so the best way to set a financial boundary is to stop paying for the things you don't want to pay for. Right? If you absolutely feel like you just have to communicate it, maybe there's some special circumstances, you got to say it. Okay, I get it. Then say what you will help with, right? It's easier to say what you will do. It's easier to say yes to some things, and it is to say no to other things. Like if you're. If you're dealing with like a little kid and they want to go to the park and they're screaming, hollering, they want to go the park, you can say, no, we can't go to the park right now. We have all this stuff to do. Or you can say, oh, man, that sounds really fun. I think tomorrow we got some time. Let's do it tomorrow. So if you are gonna verbally communicate, it usually goes better if you'll communicate in the positive direction, as in what you can do or how that could work, or under these circumstances, how that could work. It's just. People take that better. Right? It's like a. Okay, under this circumstance versus a no. People don't like no very much, and we're going to come to that. So keep listening because we're going to talk some. I'm going to give you some more examples about boundary setting, and then we're going to talk about how to kind of like you turn it back when you've been doing it wrong for a really long time and when things have not been going well and You've got to correct the situation because that's harder, right? It's hard enough to set good, healthy boundaries with people from the beginning, but it's really hard to, to fix it if you've, if you've not been holding good boundaries. And we're going to come to that because I'm guessing if you're watching this video, you might have gotten yourself in a situation with someone where you feel like you've allowed your boundaries to be crossed too much and you've got to fix it at this point so it's easiest to do it up front. And, and I hate to say cheesy things, but sometimes I just have to say cheesy things as a counselor. But the whole saying of you train people how to treat you is absolutely the truth. If you don't like it when your workplace calls you any time of the day or night, or emails you anytime of the day or night, and you're building up resentments because you're having to work on holidays and weekends and evenings, the first thing you gotta do is realize that that's probably on you and not on them because you're accepting the calls and you're responding to the texts and the emails. And so you've trained them that you're okay with that. And that is going to shift your whole sort of thinking when you, when you understand that you have some control over it. It kind of sucks because it's kind of like, well, maybe some of this is my fault, but it's kind of good because it means you can fix it, right? So if you don't want to have to do work on holidays or on the weekends, unless it's in your, I mean, I guess if it's in your contract or something, maybe you do have to do it. But other than that, if you just feel like your co workers or your boss or whoever's just being inconsiderate or rude, then just stop doing it during those times. And they may say, you know, maybe it's different, right? So they may say, well, didn't you get my email? And you're like, oh man, sorry, it was a Saturday. I don't even check my emails till Sunday. I'll look at that on Monday. Or I always check my emails 10:00 clock on Mondays or whatever. Say when you will do it. If you're going to communicate something and you'll read, you'll, you can retrain that. Here's another. I've got, I'm looking over here because I got my list. I Made some, some talking points. Let's say your boundary is you're frustrated because someone in your life talks to you ugly, right? They're just nasty or they're mean or they pick fights or something like that. You can say all day long, you can't talk to me like that. As you're saying that you're allowing them to talk to you like that. So it doesn't make any sense, right? If you don't want to be talked to ugly and a person has a tend to talk ugly to you, then you have to remove yourself from the conversation, not continue to stand there and tell them why what they're saying is wrong, why it hurts your feelings, why it's out of bounds and how you're not going to do that anymore because you're literally saying I'm not going to do it anymore, but you're doing it. You see what I mean? Like you're sending mixed messages and you have to take some responsibility for the fact that maybe you've trained that kind of situation to be okay when you're really not okay with it and you're holding a lot of resentments about it. Let me see my other examples here. Oh, here's one. Let's say you have a boundary because there's someone in your life who is always late, right? And you want to set a boundary with them either. Like let's say if it's your kid or your spouse and you're like, we gotta leave the house because we gotta be there on time, that's one kind of time related boundary. Or if it's like somebody that usually you have an appointment with or you meet with and they're always late, that's a slightly different. But there's this time issue. Now you can get mad and you can yell and you can scream and you can say you're always late and you know, you wait till the last minute and you change outfits 50 times and we never get there on time. And you can go on and on and you can say, I'm not doing it this time, right? That's what I mean when I say verbalize it. Are you gonna do, start a fight when you do that, right? You can, if it's your kid. Then I might suggest just saying something like, hey, gonna leave at 7. So if you want to ride with me, make sure you're, make sure you're ready at seven. This car's, this car, this taxi is leaving at seven or whatever it is. If it's your. And then leave, then leave. If it's your spouse, it might be a little dangerous. Might not be the best idea to just leave without them, as this way of, like, teaching them a lesson or pushing it just might not go over well. Just saying. So what I might do in a situation like that is I might just say if. If the other person's still getting ready, say, hey, I know you still need a little more time getting ready. You know how uptight I am about being places on time. I'm crazy. That's just my own ocd. I'm gonna go ahead and go, I'll meet you there. Right? And let them get there. So at least you're sitting. Sending that same message of, hey, I'm leaving because I need to be there on time. If the other person wants to come late because they want their hair to be perfect, that's okay. That's their boundary. Right. And you don't have to get mad at them and tell them what they can and can't do. If you know that's consistently a problem, then just arrange that you guys ride separately. Everybody will probably be happier. Right? Let's see what other kind of examples you guys. Give me some examples of boundary issues you run into, and we'll explore those together. I did write down a few examples that I wanted to talk about. Oh, if your boundary is, I don't want to be around you when you're intoxicated, Right. That's a common one that people deal with when it comes to addiction. If you don't want to be around them when they're intoxicated, you can say you can't come home messed up, but it's just. That's not gonna work. Or if they come home messed up, you can remove yourself, put yourself in another room, and do something else. Now, I'm not talking about doing it in a way that's like, I'm giving you the silent treatment. I'm being mad. You're being punished. Just sort of respectfully be like, hey, I'm gonna go and watch my Netflix series or whatever. Just remove yourself when. When they're intoxicated. Not in an argument kind of way. Not. And I told you not to come home like that. None of that. Just. Just remove yourself. And when you do this enough times, you really begin to retrain people without having to say it and without having to pick the argument. Now let's move into a little bit of. If you've been maybe letting people cross your boundaries for kind of a while and you need to fix it, I still want you to do Everything I just told you about change your behavior, not have the conversation, right? But I do want you. When you do that, you need to expect that the other person probably is not going to respond to that. Really? Well, at first, people don't like it when you change the rules of the game. And so you need to go into that situation, maybe like understanding that you are changing the rules of the game, right? And it's natural for them to be frustrated. So go ahead and expect them to be frustrated. Don't get mad that they're mad, right? Because you've been playing this game with them for a long time and now changing the rules. And it's natural, right? So expect it. One of the things that they may do when they're. When you try to change the rules is they may try to make you feel really guilty, right? You know, that's not fair. This ridiculous. You're so uptight, they may criticize you. They may tell you it's all your fault and you're ridiculous and you're too uptight and you and your boundaries or whatever, they may say a whole bunch of stuff. Normally, if that happens, then, and there's some truth in the fact that you change the rules of the game, then I would just acknowledge that you can say, you know what? You're right. I used to do that. I've changed that just because it's not good for me anymore. You're right. It's probably not fair. I've changed the rules, but nonetheless, I've changed the rules. So acknowledge the fact that it's different, right? And that maybe you did set the wrong precedent. So acknowledge their feeling, but hold the line anyways, right? And for most people, if you do that, they will relearn the rules. They will retrain. Some people will not. Some people will just disconnect their relationship from you. And if that happens, then that means that they were really only in a relationship from you to get that one thing from you that you're just not willing to give anymore, right? Like if. It's like if. If you have a friend who always wants you to watch their kids or something like that, and you always say yes, even when it's inconvenient and you change your plans to be able to help them out or whatever, then if you change the rules of the game, just say, you know, I'm sorry, my circumstances change, whatever. If you want to give a reason, you don't have to give a reason. If you change that rule and you're kind about it, you're polite about it. But you change your behavior nonetheless and they stop calling you and hanging out with you at all. Guess what? That's all they wanted from you to begin with. So instead of being upset about it and resentful about it, be kind of happy about it, right? Because now you've, number one, you've gotten yourself out of that problem that you had, which was always kind of having to deal with this person calling you to watch their kids, right? And it's kind of like it helps you separate who's who, right? Who's in your life that's really in your life and who maybe is just using you for some reason or some other kind of not very genuine good thing. And getting rid of people like that is a good thing. I know it can be hurtful. And at some point during boundary setting, there's always like a couple of surprises, like people you think were really with you, you kind of find out they weren't. But you usually kind of find out some people you thought weren't with you are, right? So you're going to get some surprises on both sides of that. But what I want you to understand is you can kind of expect that everybody's not going to love it when you change the rules of the game. And I want you to keep calm and stay centered. If they've got a valid point, then just acknowledge their point, right? And change the behavior nonetheless. Here's an example. If you are upset with your kid because they're going to college but they're failing their grades or something like that, right? You can get mad. You can stay on their case. You can call them up, did you do your homework? You can say, I want to see your grades. You can do all this stuff, which is going to keep you in this giant power struggle and argument with them, or you can do something like say, hey, I will pay for any of the semesters that you get an A, B or a C in. But I don't pay for the D's and the F's or something like that. I have seen parents do it where it's like they have the kid get a student loan to pay for the semesters. And if the kid does well enough in the grades, like the C or the B or the A or whatever, then the parent pays the the fee for it. But instead of paying for it up front and then getting mad when the kid fails, do you see the difference? Is like holding the line with the boundary instead of with the words. And that's where we get mad. We lecture, we preach we build resentments, but we keep doing it. We keep doing it. We keep telling them we're not gonna do it anymore. We keep doing it, and we keep telling them how it's unfair that they put us in that position. It is us doing us that way. And so when you can own the responsibility for that, it's kind of empowering, actually. I think that you're gonna. That you're gonna feel better when you do that. Let's see. Sandra says, people are always asking me if he is sober. It's not my O L A. What is O L E? That probably stands for something I'm not cool with. All the symbols, like, young people are. If somebody's always asking you if somebody else is sober and you're like, dude, I'm not their keeper, then just say. Just say, I don't know. Have you talked to them? Like, put it back on them so that they can go and ask that question. Let's see. Vero says, what has finally worked for me is acknowledging that my addicted loved one is not ready to stop. These comments are going so fast, I can't read them on my phone here. Makes me uncomfortable to give advice. Al Anon AA the same thing, right? The advice, giving, that kind of thing. Who do you have in your life that crosses your boundaries the most? Is it all kinds of boundaries or is it like the same boundary? Maybe you have someone in your life who wants to call you at all times of the day and night. Like, you have a loved one or family member who always wants to. Maybe they drink too much or something, right? And then they always drink too much, and then they call you at 11:00 at night and they want to go on and on and on, and they're just saying the same things. And you've heard it all 500 times, and you're just so sick of them calling you intoxicated. You can say to your friend, stop calling me when you're drunk, and that probably won't work. Or you can just stop answering the phone after a certain time, but they're not. Or if they call you and they're intoxicated, just say, hey, it doesn't seem like now's a good time to talk. I could talk to you tomorrow or something like that and then just get off the phone. It's the behaviors. It's a training process that you have to do in order to get those boundaries to correct and move back in the right direction. Thank you everyone who was here and joined me live. I will go back and read through all those chats that I missed, and if you're not live but you're watching the replay, let me know what you think in the comments below. I always read the comments, and I respond to almost all of them. All right, guys, I'm gonna put more up here for you next about boundary keeping, how to be assertive. You know, how to get your assertiveness communication right on point. I'll see you guys next time.