The Fastest Way To Improve Any Relationship

Have you ever heard the saying, love is all you need? I personally hate that saying. In fact, it kind of gives me, like, a gaggy, cringy kind of feeling inside when I hear it. Maybe that's just because I'm old and a little cynical, but I really don't believe that love is all you need. Okay, yeah, maybe we do need love, but it's not all we need. In fact, in this video, I'm going to tell you what people really crave and want and need more than they crave being loved. For those of you who are new here, I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and you're watching Put the Shovel down, the YouTube channel designed to help you understand the science and psychology of addiction so you could get your life and your family back on track and get back out there and live the life that you actually want to live. Okay, so our topic today definitely applies to addiction and recovery. In fact, it definitely applies to pretty much any. Anybody. A few months back, I had a set of parents in my office, and we were trying to figure out together what to do, because they have, like, a teenager who is addicted to drugs, and they're just like, we don't know what to do. Like, it was their daughter, and they were like, we love her. She knows we love her. Like, what do we do? Like, why does she not want to talk to us? Why does she not want to be around us? And it occurred to me in that moment, I'm like, yeah, this girl, she does know you love her. She definitely understands that and believes that deep in her bones. But you know what? She. She doesn't think. She doesn't believe that you like her. You see, what we all crave, we crave being liked. And when we feel like people like us, actually, all of our best qualities come out. When we feel like people don't like us, all of our worst qualities come out. So, like, in this family situation, this young girl knew that she was loved, but she didn't feel like her parents liked her. And because of that makes her defensive and dislike them back and want to stay away from them and disengage in them. And once the family really wrapped their head around this and they. And I said, help your daughter feel like you like her, it changed the whole dynamic, like, almost instantly. In fact, if you have a relationship right now that you've been trying to work on but it's just not going very well, try to help that other person understand that you like them or you like something about them, I promise you, you're going to start to see a different version of them, the better version. And you know what's perfect about this is when you see that different version, it makes it really easy to like them even more because they' showing you the best side of themselves. So when you can do this, when you can harness this, you can help people bring out their best self. Now, right now, as you're watching this video, you might be thinking about a particular person in your head and you might be thinking, well, I really don't like them very much right now. Here's what I want to challenge you to do. I want to challenge you to think really hard, like, dig deep down inside of there and come up with something that you can like about that person and then just comment on it and then see if it doesn't change the way they interact with you. Then guess what? You might start liking them because you might start seeing the good version of that person. You see, we all have good qualities and bad qualities and different situations bring out our best and bring out our worst. Helping people see what you like about them will help them see what they like about themselves. And you know why people love it and crave it? It's because it helps them like themselves. In fact, you know when you fall in love and it's just wonderful, and you're in that infatuation state and it's just butterflies and rainbows and the world is so wonderful, and you feel like, I'm in love with that. You know what you're really in love with? You're in love with how that person makes you feel about you. They make you feel wonderful about you. And that is actually what you're falling in love with. So it's kind of like when that part wears off and you've been together a long time and you start to get on each other's nerves, and then you start showing each other not the best sides of yourself. You might think to yourself, I've fallen out of love with that person. But what's happened is, is they're not making you like you the way that you did. It feels like you're falling out of love. You see how this can be kind of complicated. Now, what I mean when I say help people see that you like them. You can actually do this in a lot of ways. And I suggest you do it in a specific way. Not like I like you. Like in junior high school when you send a note, you know, back three people back and says, I like you. Do you like me back? Check yes or no. Really? I Mean, yeah, you could do that. You can say it in kind of a casual way. You can like, dude, I just. I was like, you, you know, you're fun to be around. But you see how I added that you're fun to be around part. If you'll add in something specific, number one, it makes it more believable, it's more authentic. You're giving the person a piece of positive feedback that really, like, supercharges the dopamine in their brain, which then makes them want to get your approval even more. Now, it works on a real simple level, like if you say, oh, man, I love your shirt or cool shoes, or you have a nice smile. In fact, research shows that even if the person doesn't think that you meant what you said, they still have affectionate positive feelings towards you because you said it. And the reason is because when you say it, they get a little drip of positive brain chemicals inside, and that makes them feel more positively towards you. They link up that feeling with you. It's like you become this source to them of a good feeling inside. But when you know someone on a deeper level, you can do this even more effectively. You can say something like, I really like the way you always do this, or, I've always admired this about you, or, man, you handled that perfectly. Oh, my gosh, I would have totally done something different in that situation. I'm so impressed. Or you impressed me when you did this, or, I love the way you're so creative. There are a lot of ways of saying I like you, but when you point out something specific, a characteristic that that person has, like they're smart or they're fun to be around, or they're artistic, or they're really savvy, or they're just great problem solver, or they're like really assertive, or they know how to connect with other people and they're so charismatic. When you notice the positive qualities of someone, just say it in some kind of noticing statement. That's all there is to it. It's not complicated at all. And you can just slide these into the conversation super casually, and I promise you it will literally change the dynamics of the relationship almost instantly. Now, I'll be honest. The ability to see the positive qualities in people, it's a little easier for some people than other people. For example, for me, one of the things I do pretty easily is see the good qualities in someone else. And it helps me to relate to my clients so quickly because even though I know they've done bad things, or you know I can know their whole history and all the crazy things they did. But I can usually pretty quickly see what someone's gifts, talents are. Some kind of unique characteristic that they have that's interesting. And once I say that and I point that out and comment on it, and they know that it's genuine and that, like, I've really, like, paid attention to them. I'm not just giving them, like, a generic thing or something. I say to everyone, it really lights up their face and it really creates a connection very quickly. You know, families wonder a lot. They're like, dude, I've told my loved one that 55 times. They won't listen to me. Why do they listen to Amber? Because they feel like I like them, which makes them like me back, which makes them want to listen to me more. Even though the family's the one that loves them, right? The family's the one that's gonna, like, lay down their life, do anything for them. But we all crave being like. Like, seriously, everyone. Kids, adults, good people, bad people. We all want that and need that, and it's not a bad characteristic. Now some of us have a harder time seeing what we like in people. And most that's either because there's been a lot in a relationship, and when you're really upset with someone, it's hard to see anything you like about them because you're so upset with them. That's one reason. And another reason is some of us, our brains just scan for what could be better or what could be improved. And it's not that we don't see what's good about them, but our thinking, our filter, like, first goes to this. If you're that kind of person, that's okay. It may not be firsthand for you. You may have to, like, remind yourself to go back in and look for the good thing so that you can comment on it. I am really challenging here to go out and try this. Once you try it, come back to this video, leave it in the comments, and tell me how it works. If it does work and I'm full of crap, you can totally put it down there. It's going to work. There's a little bit of circumstance where it won't work. And that's if you pour on too much, too heavy, and it's inauthentic. Like, it's just like when you eat cake and it's got, like 10 pounds of icing, even though you love icing, but it's like, it's too much. I just can't even do it, you can overdo it. So I'm not saying gush it out everywhere because that's off. Putting it makes people feel nervous, like you're coming too close to them. So yeah, you know, put it out there in moderation, but go out there, try this and see if it changes your relationship. If you already have some experience with this, either because you've done this and you notice how it changes your relationships, or someone's done this with you, definitely let us know that in the comments below as well. Now, just in case you're struggling with this and the whole thing just seems really foreign and weird to you and not quite natural, I've created a list of things you can say to people that kind of communicate I like in a more sophisticated way than just saying I like you. But it's like, what do I like about someone? It's about noticing these really great, interesting qualities about people. I've made a list for you, and if you'll look in the description, you can get the link and download that for free just in case you need a little cheat sheet to help you out with your assignment. Now, a lot of you that watch my channel because you have a loved one struggling with an addiction and you're trying to help them change, getting someone to like you and feel like you like them, it is definitely the first phase and the second phase of helping someone make a big change in their life. And once you get that down, then you can move to the second second phase of helping motivate someone to make a big change. So up next, I've got some videos specifically about how to motivate someone to make a change.