The Fastest Way To Resolve Long-Standing Arguments

You have the same argument over and over again. You say your side, they say their side, nothing gets solved. Everyone leaves feeling worse than before the conversation happened and resentment builds. If you have a relationship that is stuck in this similar kind of situation where you have this long standing argument, it's like the same argument that happens over and over and over again and you just can't seem to pass or you just can't seem to get past it. You're in luck because today's video we are going to talk about how to resolve those long standing arguments. And the method I'm going to give you is actually pretty simple. It's so simple, in fact, that pretty much anyone can do it. But I will admit, even though it's simple, it's not always easy. So if you are new here, welcome to Put the Shovel down. I'm Amber Hollingsworth and this YouTube channel is mainly about addiction. We help people that have addictions understand their families and families understand their loved ones who have addiction. We look at it from all sides. Today's video doesn't just apply to addiction, though. It really applies to pretty much all of us because we've, we've mostly all been in this situation before. Yes, it definitely applies to addiction and families and all that stuff we normally talk about, but it's, it's broader than that. So if you are stopping by just for this one video, we're glad you're here. Thanks for stopping by. If you have addiction in your life, in your family, you care about someone who has an addiction, then stop back by again sometime because there's a lot more resources here. All right, so today I'm going to tell you how to finally get past this stonewall power struggle dynamic that you're in now. A lot of you know that most of my Thursday videos, my live videos, are, they're sort of inspired by things that have gone on, you know, in my sessions and conversations throughout the week. And so this week I was really honing in and noticing this pattern where most of my clients, I was starting to notice that there was a sort of this central theme where they were getting stuck. And it's like this is, this is where I was having trouble getting them to think differently or be open minded. It's almost like the conversation goes, it's not the arguments with me, but I could tell they couldn't flex on certain issues. And there was a, was kind of like a common thing that was happening there. And the common thing that's happening is when we, when we assume we make Assumptions and judgments about why the other person is doing, feeling, or saying what they're saying. It's not ever so much the thing that's happening that's keeping us stuck. That's not why we can't come up with a solution. You know, we could argue about whose turn it is to take out the trash. If you're still arguing about who's trying to take out the trash. It ain't about the trash, people, it's about something else. It's connected to something bigger. So it's usually not in the details of the argument. It's something that's happening behind the, the thought process. And then the, the thing that triggers the argument is really just like a trigger, not really the real thing. What do I mean by that? Well, what I mean is we make these assumptions when people do things we don't like or people don't agree with us. We automatic. And we do this so fast we don't even know we're doing this. But we automatically assume that we know why they do what they do and we know what their real intentions are. And it's that why that we're telling ourselves that's keeping us really, really mad, upset, angry and dug in. It's keeping us in that sort of inflexible mindset, that inability to hear compromise. And that is a big piece of why we can't get anywhere. And usually if two people are stuck in this kind of dynamic, both people are doing this to some degree because if, because if even one of those people would sort of let go of it, usually both people let go of it pretty quick. So the good news is, is you can be the one to get this relationship thing to shift into another direction. And I'm not saying it's always easy to come up with a compromise or a solution about whatever the detail of the thing was. But once you can remove this judgment or this thinking that you have about why the person is doing what they're doing, your emotions are going to come down like a lot. And you're going to be able to think more clearly and actually have a conversation about this that's not going to erupt or just get back into the fact that you're both screaming the same things that you have screamed at each other a hundred times. We're going to get out of that pattern. Let me give you some examples. When you tell yourself that your boyfriend looks at his phone all the time because he's secretly wanting to be with some other girl, that's the thing that we do when we say to ourselves that our wife is just a greedy workaholic who only ever cares about money and that's why she's always gone from the house and she doesn't want to spend any time with us. When we tell ourselves that our father has always preferred our brother and that no matter what we do, it's just never good enough for them and our brother can do no wrong. It's when we tell ourselves that our wife is the way that she is because she's a freaking control freak and she can't let go of anything. She has been control of everything. It's when we tell ourselves that the other person just doesn't want to get better and that's why this is happening. It's when we tell ourselves that the other person is just purposefully trying to cheat us out of something that we deserve. Or when we tell ourselves that our husband would just rather spend all his time looking at his phone than being with his family. Do any of these sound familiar? We could go on, right, you guys put into the comments, if you think of some other really common ones, it are. It's these thoughts that we have, these judges that we were making about why the person is doing what they're doing that keeps us stuck. And most of the time, almost all of the time, we are wrong in our assessments about that. Because usually when we do this, we put a negative, a big, ugly negative Y on it. Like lazy, greedy, selfish, disloyal, a cheater. You know, it's never like a good why over there. If you're thinking that they're doing this problematic thing for a good while, you're not arguing about it. Because if you see the person's coming from good attention, like, yeah, you may not agree about what they're doing, but you're not so upset about that. You can't have a conversation about it and get on the other side of it. And that's what the goal is here. It's about taking the emotional piece off of it so that you can think and conversate clearly about what's happening now. How do we come up with these whys? Well, most of the time, almost always, we come up with these whys based on our childhood experiences. And so when we feel these certain ways about other people, it's a lot more about you than it is about them. You may be thinking, oh, they think I'm so ugly. Oh, they think I'm dumb. We think we can mind read other people, but we're really don't. We're really not that good at it. Because what we're really doing is we're projecting. We're projecting our experiences, our traumas, our fears onto the other person. And that is a huge piece of what is keeping us stuck in those same old long standing arguments that we just keep having forever and ever and ever. If we can take the why off of it and maybe even ask the person why they think that or do that. I know, shocking, right? And when we do that, we don't argue with them about their answer and tell them that they're wrong, that they're not doing it for that reason. They're really doing it for this reason. How many of us have done that? I've done it. We've all done that, right? So it's like even if the person tries to explain themselves, we say, no, you're telling a lie because really you're motivated by this. So we think we know what motivates other people's behavior. And, and most often we put some kind of negative, sketchy, evil, malicious, bad intent on things. It's one of the things that I try to help family members understand about people who have addictions. I'm like, yeah, they're being a pain in the butt. Yeah, they're lying. Yeah, they're sneaking. Yeah, they're being sketchy, they might even be stealing. And they're doing all this stuff. And I'm not telling you to accept that behavior. But if you understand addiction, you can understand why they're doing what they're doing. It's not that they are necessarily trying to choose their addiction over you. It's not that they're selfish people. It's not that they're immature really. It's because they have addiction. And once you understand that, you're not happy with it and you don't maybe not even accept some of that just yet, but you can calm yourself down enough to figure out strategically how you want to interact with that. Whether you want to talk to that person about it or not, or how you want to put boundaries, healthy things in place for you. It just takes solid emotional charge off of it. So it's. We tend to think, we tend to take things personally. It's what we do. We tend to think that people do what they do somehow purposefully against us. And usually not. The only time, I mean like that does happen in certain situations, but the only time is really that personal is when they're so dang mad at you that they are purposefully trying to hurt you. Now that happens. But other than that when you have a, you know, you have a real relationship with this person and there's just this block that you keep running into. It's. It's probably not about you. It's probably about some need or something going on inside of them or maybe their childhood back trauma thing or whatever that's happening. And once you can realize that and you can sort of depersonalize it now we can get somewhere. If you are following what I'm talking about and you think that that could possibly be accurate, give me a little hand emoji in the comments or the chat. So I know that you guys are following along. For me, that's like my way of. If I were talking to you and you were here right now, then I could see your head nodding or something. It gives me like a little cue to, to help me know I'm. I'm sharing it. Right. I just, I see this so often, and even when clients are telling me this about their person that they're arguing with or they're upset with, I have a hard time talking to them about why, you know, because they'll say. They'll just be so convinced that it's the other person and this is why they're doing it. And another thing I hear a lot is, well, that's just the way their family is. Well, yeah, their mama. They're just like their mama. Their mama taught them to be that way. That's another one that I hear all the time. If they're. If there was any type of why that we could more accurately assign, then we could be saying, what am I doing that might possibly be triggering the other person to react to me this way. I'm not necessarily saying it's your fault. The problem is happening. Like, let's say your addicted loved one is addicted. I'm not saying it's your fault that they're addicted, but it might be your fault that you can't have a conversation about it. And every time that it comes up, you get locked down. Right. Or at least a little bit your fault. Right. So you can take some why if you want to with that. Whenever I have people in my office in there telling me about someone else in their life and what they're doing, and they're kind of like venting or complaining, which is fine, my brain immediately thinks about what could be going on that would trigger that kind of behavior. So my brain starts to think about why, but it starts to think about bunch of different kinds of whys, you know, because behavior is somewhat predictable, but because I'M not. It's not personal for me. I'm able to sort of think through. Okay, if someone is always defensive, what are, what are some of the reasons why they might be defensive? And I start to think through the situation. It's really, it's even really easy when you have someone telling you, whether you're the counselor or the best friend or mama, sister, whoever, brother, and they're complaining to you about someone else, it's going to be your inclination to sort of want to, you know, defend your friend who's frustrated at this other situation of like, their teacher, their ex, their whoever. It's easy to want to sort of like, jump in and be like, I know, right? And when you do that, you're inadvertently possibly reinforcing their negative stuck pattern. So when you hear a friend or someone in your life you care about and they're telling you these things and, and you hear them start doing this thing right here that I'm telling you not to do, maybe you can find a subtle way to stay or could there be any other reason why they're doing that? Is there anything else going on? Because other things be contributing to why they feel that way or why they take that side of the argument or whatever, and that might help your friend to loosen up. Because so often we. We think we're being a friend to someone because we're on their side. And to some degree, that's our job. We're supposed to be on their side. But by being a good friend and really on their side, then we're going to help our friend maybe see things through a different lens. And even as a counselor, I have messed this up in the past because when people have told me about their loved one and they did this and they did that, you get, you. You can't help it. You get connected to your people, your clients, they're telling you everything about them. You can't help but, like, you know, develop like, some kind of positive feeling towards them and care about them in some way. And so you get defensive of your client, especially with what we do in our office, because we see the whole family system, and this is, this has caused problems in our office. Not in a long time, but it has. Way back where it's like, maybe I'm seeing the husband and Kim seeing the wife, or I'm seeing the kid and campus seeing the parent or something like that. And then the counselor here with the counselor, they're with their client. We're so aligned with that client that we start. The counselors start arguing with each other because of what the clients are telling us about the other family member. Now, that's not productive or helpful and for sure not professional. Luckily, we learned that lesson early on, kind of the hard way, a few times. And then the next thing you know, it's like, not only are the two people arguing, but all the whole stuff. Now we're arguing about whose clients in the wrong or whatever. So it's really important to catch yourself doing this and if possible, to catch yourself maybe falling into this kind of thinking with other people in your life. Not necessarily people you're arguing with, but the people you care about when they're going on and on and telling you something negative about somebody else or their boss or teacher or whoever. Because there's. There are. There might be other reasons why they're doing what they're doing. And it's the reasons that's making you mad way more than the behavior. I can't remember one day my son came home from school, and they had had this fun activity that day at school. He's in the fifth grade. And they had, like, to pick, like, a famous person from history, and they had to, like, dress up as that person. And then, like, make some kind of, like, object or something. Show and tell, bring something in. And then. And then they. They called it the living museum. And then the visitors would come in and they would, like, tell who they were and tell about their object. It was kind of like museum. Like, each kid was standing there with their thing, presenting their thing. It was cute. My son was. Oh, my gosh, I can't think of his name. What's his name with the big hair in the MC squared? Einstein. I don't know why I lost that. So my son was Einstein or whatever. And. And it was like, cute. I remember I showed up to the school, I went through, I listed all the little kids. They say all their little things. Well, later that day when my son came home, I was like, how was your day? How'd you think go? Did you like it? And all this kind of stuff. Did you mustache fall off? You know, all this stuff. And he started telling me about how he was mad at one of the. One of his teachers. And I was like, well, what happened? And. And then he was saying, well, when I got back, you know, when we got back to the classroom, my thing that I made, I think he made like an atom or something. You know, he was sitting on my desk and I picked it up, but my teacher's like, put that away. And my son, he's like, he's pretty shy and quiet, and he's not used to getting in trouble, so he just freaks out. Like, he didn't do anything or say anything, but inside he was like, can't believe you did that. And then he came home, he was telling me how his teachers just mean and this and that the other and has all these tensions. And I'm thinking in my head, I'm like, no, that teacher's had a rough day because you kids, y' all had, like, the special thing, but that gets you all hyped up, and then you're crazy, and then you have these, like, objects, and then you're playing with each other and distracted. So my mind, that's the why. But in my son's mind, it's like, she's being mean to me. She doesn't like me. She's picking on me. Because he immediately, you know, personalized the situation. And that's not a thing that just fifth graders do. That's the thing that we all do. We have to catch ourselves doing it. Maybe the teacher was a little irritable. Maybe the teacher did make more of a deal about it than it should have been. But it probably wasn't because they're picking on you, and it probably wasn't because they don't like you. It's probably because they're wore out because it's been like, a long, stressful day with kids being loud and a lot of things going on and parents coming in and chaos. I've been a teacher, so I have a decent feel for how that goes. So those are my examples about how I see this play out with my clients, how I've seen this play out in my own life, and even a little example about how I've seen it play out with my son. Now, I want to hear your examples. Thank you. You guys who are participating, give me a little hands up. It definitely helps me. What I'm going to do is I'm going to put the link up here, and that will allow you to join us live now, as always, I know I always tell you this, but I'm gonna keep telling to you, we will be live. So don't say anything that you don't want out. We're, like, live on Facebook and YouTube right now at the same time. So don't. Don't come on here and talk about things that you don't want out there in the public. Because once it's out there, it's out there. You'll need decent Internet and decent light, whatever device you're watching on right now. Should work just fine. All right, so I'm gonna put the link up here for you guys, and we'll see if anybody wants to join. What I'd like to hear is some examples of what we're talking about, if you guys have them, some examples of when you've been locked into an argument, and maybe we can figure out where you're getting stuck and what's going on on your side as far as, like, what's. What's upsetting you so much about it and why you're so inflexible and you can't move. Not saying it's all you. Like I said, if you're stuck like this, somebody's probably both of you doing it. So I put the link up there. It says streamyard. It's the beginning of the link. So all you have to do is click that. And in the meantime, while we wait for to see if someone wants to join us, there are lots of resources in the description. As always, you can join our membership and get access to our advanced skills trainings. And also you'll be supporting this channel, which is super helpful. You can schedule a strategy session with me or someone on my team to talk through your situation if you want to, and all different other kinds of resources. So just a reminder that that's down there. And let's say hello to the people who are here with us live. You guys know I love you guys that show up live. Y' all are like. Y' all are like the Die Hards. I really appreciate you guys. If you're new to watching live or if you're watching the playback, we are live Thursdays at 1pm Eastern, and we would love to have you here because we always have good conversations and you can ask questions and participate and give some feedback, which. Which is. Which is super helpful and kind of fun. Hey, Anthony. Hey, Amy. Amy, you got on here at 11:45. You said you're patiently waiting. You got on here early. Look at you. I like it.

It.

Hey, Angela from Istanbul. And Beth, Sandy from Utah. Jennifer. Hope I can adopt your resolution. You can do this, Jennifer. It's a mindset shift is all. It is simple. Not that easy, but simple. If you're really struggling with shifting your mindset, Jennifer or anybody, and you just. You keep finding yourself going back to that thing, then you might even want to go deeper and say, where is this coming from? And look back over your life. Why is this such a big trigger for me? You probably are going to find it hits some Kind of button from something from your childhood that was unpleasant. You know, like if you got bullied in school, then you probably make a lot of assumptions that other people have negative feelings or negative intentions towards you. If you had a partner that cheated on you, you might have negative assumptions that someone doesn't really want to be with you and they're thinking about someone else. You see, these things mostly come from us and our background a lot more than from the person. And we project and we ruin our relationships. So we're gonna stop doing that. Hey, Diane. Hey, Sandy. Cindy says, assuming they're not trying to quit because it happens so often. That was a big one at my house. That made it really utter until I brought it up. Yeah, that is a. That's the thing, especially with addictions. What you're talking about, I think, Sandy, is like, you're telling yourself they're not even trying. They don't even want to quit. And they may not be doing all the right things and they may be trying what you want them to try, but they probably are trying most of the time to do. Yeah. Happy to have you here. It is. Do you have an example of what we're talking about or another question or something?

I actually just got on, so I'm not quite sure.

Sure.

So if I have a question, if that's okay to kind of just ask my question.

Sure. Yeah. All right.

So I'm just going to give you a little quick backstory before I ask my question. Okay. I have. My husband's, of course, an active alcoholic. He has gone from severe just drunk 247 to drinking just on the weekends.

Okay.

The bargaining stage, as you would say.

Yeah. That's still progress, right? Yeah, pretty good progress. Okay.

Yeah. He has. He's been. Been able to maintain his job throughout this. I don't feel like I enable him, but it's not uncomfortable for him because he does have a job, the bills get paid, so it's just not uncomfortable for him. He goes, gets up, goes to work, comes home, and, you know, everything's fine. So he doesn't have a reason to stop. However, the first of the year, he said he's his New Year's resolution, he was going to stop drinking, which of course lasted five days.

Can I. Can I ask a quick question here?

Yeah.

Why did he say that or why did he want to do that at New Year's? Where was that coming from?

It's his health.

Okay, so see, there you go. Because while ago, you said he doesn't have any, like, negative consequences. And no, like, reason to want to stop, but there's one right there, so that's good.

Yeah, that's his. That would be his only motivator, is his health, because he is.

I'll take it.

Okay.

Yeah. Yeah, that's. It's because of his health. So he went back to drinking on the weekends. Well, two weekends ago, he drank kind of a lot. I mean, was, like, more than. He drank about a half gallon of rum.

That's a lot. Okay.

Yeah. Which. Yeah, usually he drinks about a fifth. So he tested me and said, I don't know why I can't stop drinking. I'm just such a loser. So I replied back, you're not a loser.

Mm.

It's a coping mechanism. We need to try and find something to help. I didn't know how to respond.

I think that's a good response.

So I got home. I got home from work. I didn't ask him to do this. He dumped the rest of the alcohol down the sink. I'm like, okay. And I didn't respond. I didn't do anything. I'm just like, okay. Of course, the weekend came. Bought alcohol and drank. So this. I'm not. I'm not sure how to respond, what I'm supposed to be doing, because like this today, I asked him, I said, are you wanting to stop drinking, or what is your goal? And he said, I would like to drink just one day a week. Okay. Well, I said, I don't think that's gonna work, but if that's what you want to get to. I said, that's great, because I don't want to say that ain't gonna work. We know that ain't gonna work because.

Good call. Good call, Terry. That's my girl. Don't say that.

But I just feel like I'm, like, on this roller coaster. But I know because I've watched all your videos. I know I can't say, this ain't gonna work. We've done this a thousand times. We're not. We're not going anywhere with this. And he's bipolar. So I asked him, I said, what are you getting out of the drinking? Maybe we need to solve that problem.

That's a good question.

And he said, my brain feels like it's on fire, and I don't. We watch this television show called Supernatural, okay? And there's a guy on there that went to hell and got tormented in hell, and he said, that's what I feel like. And the drinking stopped that.

Okay, well, when I know how I'm.

Supposed to respond to that. I don't know.

I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I'm gonna help you here. First thing I'm going to tell you is this, because most importantly, I actually hear a person that's very motivated to stop. I hear a person who's actually working through these bargaining stages pretty fast, right? Because it New Year's, like, I'm gonna stop. And then it's like, well, just the weekends. And then it's like, okay, I'm gonna stop. But then it's like, okay, one day a week, right? So what's happening is he's not bargaining with whether or not he has a problem. He's bargaining with what it's going to take to fix it. So he's trying these different things, which, in my mind, you know, when. A lot of times, when you see that, it's easy to assume that they don't really want to stop or not trying. But when I see that, what I assume is they're trying to figure it out, you know, trial and error. And so what you need to let happen is you need to support these things that he wants to try. And you just have to say, okay, let's. That seems reasonable. Let's try that. If it doesn't work, we'll do something else. House. That's what I want you to say, okay? Because it's not gonna work. But you're not gonna be the bad guy to tell them that. Just like, the weekends didn't work, so it's like the weekends didn't work, so maybe like one day, not the two days or whatever, you know? And so, like. And it's okay. It might work for like a week. It might work like a couple of times, but it won't work ultimately, you know, because then maybe it's like a long weekend. Weekend. Well, I can stretch it out because, you know, it's a holiday weekend. You know, something's gonna happen. Promise. And so your job, if. If possible, it's just to say, I'm just really impressed with you, and I know you're going to figure this out, and we'll figure it out together. And if it doesn't work, we'll keep going until we do figure it out. That's what I tell my clients. I got a million things we can try. We're going to keep going until we figure it out. And they're like, okay. And so the other thing that. That does, if you respond that way, is it sets it up for. If it doesn't work for him. To be able to admit to you that it didn't work, which is going to help you move through the bargaining faster. Because if you say that ain't gonna work, then when it doesn't work, which you won't, he won't admit it to you. Because who wants to be like, I told you so, even if you didn't say, he knows you can think in it. So. So that's what I want you to do. I just want you to respond, hey, we're in this together. We've all got our things, and we're going to figure it out. Does that sound good?

Yes, it does.

Okay. All right.

Thank you for sharing.

I appreciate it.

Thanks. You're welcome. Alexis, we're going to try you again. Okay. Say something.

Can you hear me?

I can hear you. Okay.

I switched my device, so hopefully that. Yeah, sorry. I'm. I have a burning desire, so I'm like, we're gonna try to get on here.

Good. I'm glad. I'm glad.

Yeah. And especially because this really relates to what you were talking about. So my husband and I have a long standing argument, I guess if you want to call it that, for like the past two weeks at least. Every night I go to bed around 10, 10:30, 11, and I'm like, okay, I'm going to bed. Are you ready to go to bed? And he's like, oh, I got, you know, stuff. Some things to do, and I'll. Okay.

So I just like, okay.

And then it's like I wake up every night, every morning around 1am and he's just like, still out here sitting, doing, I don't know, on his computer. Sometimes he's asleep, sometimes he's doing stuff, showering, doing laundry and stuff. But it's just like this has been ongoing since, you know, he really, like. We were both. We were both in recovery. We were both in recovery.

I knew you recovery because you started with burning desire and. Recovery. Word.

Yeah. Along. Yeah. And a while ago. It's been a few years now. He. He relapsed and it was severe and it's been ongoing and we've been separated and now we're back together. And I did your. Well, I been trying to do your inner invisible intervention. Yeah. And we've made a lot of progress. But, like, I'm at this stage where. So I come out and it's like in my head, I know, like, this is not about me. I know that this is his stuff. He's. I mean, I feel like a lot of it is like, self sabotaging. Because he has these big issues that he needs to deal with with his. His daughter and other things. And then. And he keeps on finding these other things to focus on instead, like staying up late because he needs to work on his car, and then he doesn't get to work, and it's his car's car and like, all this stuff and. Sorry, sorry. I've got a lot of chills anyways, and so I know that it's not about me, the reasoning why he doesn't come to bed, but it still hurts me, and I still come out, and I'm still, like, upset, and. And I still get mad, and then we fight, and then he doesn't come to bed at all. And then it's just like a long, ongoing thing, and I'm just trying to figure out, like, how to get past it, you know?

Well, I have. I have one. I have a question first, and then I have a thought. My question is, is. Is whatever he's doing after you go to bed something related to the addiction? Because, like. Like a lot of the alcoholic husbands I see. I see a lot of them, they almost all wait till their wife goes to bed, and that's when they do their drinking. Like in their man cave or something like that.

Yeah.

Is. Is it something like that? Like pornography or drinking? Or is it. It's not really the addiction that he's doing at night, but something else?

Yeah, it's not anything related to that. It's just him. So that is like, we're in a. We're in a position right now where I know what he's doing. He's not. He doesn't do it in the house. He doesn't do it around the kids. He goes out, away from us, to his car or whatever. And I don't. I try not to push him on it. I just, you know, I. But it. It's not that he's doing that. I feel like. But I feel like it's related to. I feel like it's like the overall lifestyle. I mean, at least for me. It's like. When I was in addiction, it was like I. I went to bed late and I didn't get up early, you know, and then. I mean, he tries to go to work and stuff, but, like, he just. He, like, won't eat. And then, you know, so he'll come home from work, and I'm like, okay, well, I'm. What do you want for dinner? Like, let's do this, you know, and then he won't eat, and then. And Then it's like come 10 o' clock at night. Well, he's like, well, I'm really hungry. And it's just like, I don't know what, I don't know why, but it's not because he's doing something that he doesn't want me to see or be around or be a part of.

It's not that, that secret about it because it's, I mean it doesn't do.

In front of you, but really out in the open.

Right? Okay.

Yeah.

I think if we sort of put it in this formula that we were talking about on this video, which is, are you making an assumption about why, which you're on the right track because you're saying, I know it's not about me, so that's good. But you're, but you're making. Maybe you might be making a couple of other Y assumptions. One of the Y assumptions could be making. Making is, is he just doesn't want to deal with the real issue and that's why he's doing it.

Because I'm kind of hearing that.

Yeah. And that's the why that I hear and what you're saying. And then the other thing, which isn't really a wise. I think it just, it's just for you, it's a reminder of the problem because like you said, it's just reminds you of like that addictive lifestyle. And it, and that's another reason it triggers you is because. Just. Because it's just kind of a trigger for you because it's a reminder. Okay.

Yeah.

Well.

And it's just like before when we were together, this was a big issue and like when I separated from him, there was a lot of stuff that happened and then, and now we've kind of worked our way into a better place.

And.

And, but this is like a trigger for me because he was coming to bed at night and then things progressively are getting worse with his life and his car breaks down like non stop and he won't fix it, but he'll continuously go and get the other stuff and do the other stuff. You know, the unmanageability.

Creeping. Yeah, creeping in. Right. Okay, so I'm just having several thoughts. I, I'm gonna jump to conclusions like I told you not to or whatever. But. But it's just. This is a guess, but if he is bipolar, could his not coming to bed be related to a mood shift? Because that's a huge symptom of that is like the sleeping patterns shift a lot. That's just a thought, a random thought. And then the other thought that I'm having as you, as you're telling me that situation is, I'm like, good, the unmanageability is creeping in because that means we're getting somewhere. Like, the last lady is on here. I don't know if you heard her, but she's like, not enough unmanageability. Right. We want. We don't want horrible things to happen, but we want some unmanageability to happen. We don't want it to be working. Good. Right. And so right is kind of a good thing. And what I would advise for you to do, as far as the part that you can help, or, you know, at least add to, is is I want you to just work on having a good relationship with them so that when. And I don't even want you to be like, are you coming to bed? Because he knows what you mean when you say that. Even if you just say, I'm going to be coming, he knows you're. What you're thinking because it's been an argument. And so you can just say, hey, I'm going to bed, you know, I'll see you later, or whatever, good night, kiss him on the cheek or whatever, and then go to bed. And then what's going to happen is going to feel guilty for not going to bed. He's going to be like, man, I should do that. But he's not going to do it right away. But the, but the feeling about it, you know, I really should go to bed. My wife's not right. He's going to start thinking that, and it's going to start sneaking in. And that's going to help that little piece of unmanageability come clear to him faster, right?

How do I, when I wake up at one in the morning every night, how do I cope with that? Because then it's like in my head, I think if I go out there and tell him, like, I. I'm, you know, I'm awake. I'm waiting for you. Like, this sucks. I'm. I'm upset. Then he'll know. And I know that doesn't work. And my brain, I know it, I truly do, but I still do it, you know? And it's like, so how do I wake up and cope and just be okay? The fact that he, my husband, doesn't come to bed ever if I don't, you know, it's like sometimes when I do tell him, then he's like, okay, I'm coming. And then he does like an hour later, you know, and Sometimes it turns into a fight. And then sometimes he's like, I'm coming. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And then. And, like, he's in this stage where he's, like, so aware. He's like, I know I'm hurting you. I know I'm hurting the kids. I know this is not okay. You know, I'm suffering too. He's not blaming me, you know, And I'm in this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm in this stage where I'm like, I. I. You know, I love you. I'm trying to support you. Like, I don't want to fight with you. I understand. This isn't about me. But we're like. I feel like we're just stuck here. And I'm like, it's getting worse in a lot of ways.

It feels like it's close to change, though. The change talk is there. He knows it. He's got insight. The unmanageability is coming in. You know, you're not. You're not letting you be the bad guy, Ross. He's got nothing to distract him, you know, to kind of, like, throw him off course. So you've got the right elements coming into play that. That create change. Probably it's gonna have to be when something's gonna sort of give him that little push. Okay. Like. Okay. Enough thinking about it, enough talking about it. Like, I gotta do it. And if he's been right before, he knows how to do it. He just needs to do it right.

So one thing that has happened recently is with his daughter. She got suspended from school. And she's not with us. She's with her. Her grandma, her. Which is another. My stepdaughter. Both two of them are with their grandma. And that's another. Like, it's not a good situation for them being there. But, you know, she just got suspended from school and, like, smoking weed and stuff like this. And so that's really affecting him. And then the other thing is with the car, and I was letting him use my van, but I'm like, I'm back to work full time because I was on maternity leave. And I'm like, I'm back to work full time, and I need to use my vehicle. And I also homeschool. And I just. I can't just not be. Have a vehicle with the kids and. And me, you know? And so he's trying. I can see him trying not to lash out at me and be mad and upset that I'm not letting him use my car. But he still is too. And I feel like I'm struggling with this too because it's like, am I creating consequences here or am I having healthy boundaries by not letting him use my vehicle anymore when I feel like I need it? You know what I mean? And I feel like unmanageability of coming in there. But I also feel like he's somewhat blaming me for it. I feel like, because now I'm not.

Listening to you say it. I think he has that instinct to want to be mad at you, but he has enough insight to know better. I think he knows. It's just that, you know, that addictive part inside is. It's kind of like a little three year old that throws a fit. It's like. But I want to, you know, you know how that feels inside your head. And so he's having that feeling which initially wants to come at you, but then his thinking brain kicks in and says, if you're just withholding it just to withhold for punishment, then that's punishment. But if, if, if you're like, no, I need it to because this and this, then I feel like that's a healthy boundary.

Right? Yeah.

As far as the get the middle of the night thing, I know you already know this. I'm just going to tell you so that you really know. But don't, don't go in the living room or downstairs, wherever it is in your house, don't do it.

Don't wait. Don't get up and tell him to come to bed. No at all. Okay. And so what is missing here is just like patience as far as wanting us to get into an him to get into recovery.

Yeah. And it's coming. I feel like it's, it's like close. And in our office. I'll tell like the family council, I'm like, they're circling. I feel it like I can kind of feel when clients are getting close. I'm like, I don't have to be today, this week or next week or. But it's coming because you can feel them circling. Like you can feel it like it's like happening. And a lot of times they'll be maybe today. Because you can tell it's just like that close and you're. He's circling. He's got all the change talk. He's got the insight and it's probably going to take one thing that's kind of just like attention, gets his attention that he's gonna be like, you know, this is dumb or whatever. And maybe it's the thing with the daughter. I Don't know. You know, that gets his attention. It's best if the thing isn't you.

Right.

So then they see it as you and not the addiction.

Right. So me, the best thing I can do in this situation then, is just love and support and. And just let it ride.

Yeah. And don't. If they're messes he's making, don't fix them for him. You know, let the unmanageability come in as. As far as it can come in on him but not impact you or your kids too terrible.

Okay.

So, yeah, I hope that helps. You're like 90 there. You're thinking is 90 there, and his thinking is 90 there. You guys are actually doing pretty good, given the situation.

Okay. Thank you.

You're welcome. I'm glad you were persistent and got on here and talked to us. Thank you.

Thanks.

Bye. All right, everyone, that's about all we have for today. I'm going to put the link up here for you guys to watch the reflective listening video if you haven't, because that's the second piece. You do what I tell you today first, and then you do that, and you're going to get somewhere, I promise. See you guys next Thursday at 1. And oh, yeah, we have a special video releasing on Saturday. It's a part two of our Love Addiction series. So you have extra videos coming this month, so make sure you have your bell notifications turned on, because I got some bonus ones, and that way you'll know when they come out. Bye, everybody. See you soon.