The Key to Helping Your Alcoholic Spouse Understand Your Perspective

How do I get my spouse to understand how it makes me feel when they stay out until 2 o' clock in the morning? This was a comment I recently read on one of the YouTube videos, probably in the last week and a half or so. And I did have an immediate answer flash in my head. But I didn't answer this question because the immediate answer that flashed in my head I knew was if I just wrote it super direct, it was going to sound super snarky. And this is a. This was a fella concerned about his wife who was already enough pain. He didn't need me to be snarky, but I could have said it without being snarky, but then it would have been like an entire session, which you can't do in a comment section. But what you can do, what I could do, is talk about it to you guys, because I bet there's a lot of you watching who have a very similar problem. You have a spouse who has an addiction to something, doesn't matter what, and it's as if your feelings don't matter no matter how much you try to communicate it. When you've been mad and said it, you've been nice and said it, you've begged and pleaded and threatened. You've done all the things and they just don't even seem to care about how all of their behaviors impact you. So that's what we're going to talk about on this video. If that applies to you, put the little hand emoji in the comments and let me know. Hey, yeah, this is for me. I want my spouse to start to care and listen to how I feel about what is going on with them. All right, y' all ready for the snarky answer? The snarky answer is, yeah, don't. But don't worry. I am. I am gonna solve this problem for you. But you're the. That question was really the wrong question because the question is framed, how do I get my wife? It was wife in the question, how to get my wife to understand how I feel about her staying out 2:00' clock in the morning. That's not really what the person was really wanting. Right? What the person really wants is for the wife to stop staying out till 2 o' clock in the morning. And the misconception here is, is that if I can get my wife to understand how I feel about it, then she would stop. But that is inaccurate. We will talk about why that is. Is it because the wife is an evil, horrible person who never did care about this person and Just married them to take advantage of them in the first place. I mean, maybe, but not necessarily. When someone has an addiction, you're not playing on the same field as you were initially before that addiction, the brain doesn't work the same way. And if you're trying to get through to someone who has an addiction by expressing your feelings and crying and whining and begging and threatening, it's the least effective thing that you can do. In fact, expressing your feelings about it is pretty much ineffective, except under one circumstance. So keep listening, and I'll tell you what that one circumstance is. What you really got to do, what you really want is for them to stop the daggone hurtful behaviors, right? And in order to get them to stop the daggone hurtful behaviors, you got to get them to address their addiction. And in order to get them to do that, it's not going to be because of your feelings. It is going to be because of their feelings. So the question, a better question might be, how do I get my alcoholic spouse, my addict spouse, partner, child, whoever, to understand their feelings? Because deep down inside, they're miserable. But. But they don't see a better solution. So it's not about trying to get someone to see your perspective. It's about trying to get someone to see their perspective much more clearly. Because they're not seeing the situation clearly. They're trapped somehow in a cycle. And whatever addict behavior, substance, whatever it is, initially solved some kind of problem for them, but has gotten to the point that the add addict behavior, substance, whatever it is, is now worsening the original problem. But it is the only time they get any relief from whatever it is they're running from. And I'm not necessarily saying that they have like, super childhood trauma. So I'm just saying, like, the addiction itself creates a wound, an anxiety, a difficulty that they then need relief from. So it kind of sort of self fulfills itself here. And so they don't see a very easy way out. And they cling on to it like it's their lifeline, because it is their lifeline. And so the more you directly come out on trying to, like, let go of it, in my mind, it's almost like seeing like a little kid with, like, their binky. Like they're like blankie that they're holding on to, which is like, you know, they've held onto it way too long. It's like nasty and gross. It has like, plants growing off of it or something. And you're like, I think it's time to Let go. But if you try to go and snatch it up, it's not gonna go well, right? You have to, like, convince the person that life will be better without it. And there are some ways to do that. And the ways that you do that is to create a safe enough environment for them to get real honest with themselves. Because the. This, the work that they're gonna have to do, the picture they're going to have to look at isn't pleasant. They're gonna have to really look at some things about themselves that they don't like. They don't look at it, and it's the ugly picture and they're ashamed of. We all have things like that. And it's like you're asking them to not only just look at these things, but acknowledge these things and then dig out of this ginormous hole that they've built for themselves, all while they're in mega trouble. And everyone around them is mad at them and yelling at them and screaming at them and doesn't trust them. So it's. It's a lot of work ahead. And in order to get somebody in a position where they're going to be willing to do that work, the best thing you can do is soften it up for them a little bit, make it slightly more appealing to come out of this hole, make it slightly more appealing to give up the binky, right? If you give up this binky, you'll have this over here instead. Make the offer appealing. If. The if. I'm not even going to say if, because almost always, not always, but almost always, the situation is, is you as the family member, have been so mad at them for so long, not only do they not care how you feel, they're probably in a position. They may not say this, Some of them will say it, some of them won't, but they, most of them think it is that they're staying out two in the morning just to make you upset on purpose. So trying to express to them how you feel about it, it's not. Not gonna help your case any. Because whether, you know, I'm not saying that perspective is accurate, but I'm saying that is what their perspective is. You're trying to control me. You're always negative. I'm never good enough for you. This is their storyline, right? Like you, you just want to keep me in the house. You're just jealous. You're just controlling. This would be the storyline. And so it's kind of like why, in this person's mind, it's like, I don't care about your feelings because you've been so mad at me for so long. And in their mind, you haven't treated them well in so long. I'm not saying that you, you're a bad person. I'm just trying to help you understand the way they're viewing it. Okay, so it's, it's almost like, why would they care? Now, I told you earlier that I would tell you there is one situation where you can make them care. And in order to do that, you have to build the trust and credibility that I'm always talking about. Once you repair that relationship with your loved one, once you build that trust back. And the way you build that trust back is to help them understand that you understand. And you don't get that by talking about your feelings. You get that by talking about their feelings. Because if you can get them to communicate with you what's really going on inside, and you can accurately, mirror, label, reflect these things back to them, they're going to feel like, wow, you really get me. And then if you throw some positive reinforcement, sprinkle some of that in there every now and then, they're gonna like being around you a little more because they're gonna want some more of that positive reinforcement. Because it's probably the only place other than the addiction where they get a little dopamine, little good brain chemicals going on. And so once you have this combination where you have, they. They want to be around you because they trust you. They feel like you understand them. They feel validated by you. Guess what? Then they care what you think. And caring what you think is probably more important than caring how you feel. Because. Because it's, it's what you think about this. The, the. Where the solution to the problem is a lot of times. And so you have to get a person, build enough credibility so that when you offer a solution to someone, they believe you, they. They trust you. They feel like, yes, that, that does sound like a good solution because they've really understand my situation. They count all my, like, specific things. And, and you can only do that over time by building that trust and credibility by using the skills that we teach you right here on this channel. By using the skills definitely that we teach in the invisible intervention. It's, it's sort of like putting in the time, building the relationship. It is exactly 100,000% exactly what counselors do. We don't have a superpower. That's the only thing we got, is only superpower we got is to make someone feel heard and understood. Right. It's easy to see what someone's problem is from the outside. You don't have to be trained clinical, professional for that. Anybody can do that. Anybody can look at someone else's problem and see what the problem is and what the solution is. But it's not easy to get another person to see what their problem is and get them willing to pursue the solution. You have to do these other things that we teach you in the invisible intervention on this class that I talk about on these lives every Thursday to make that happen. That's what, that's, that's the only thing we do. People always ask me like, well, don't you worry these, you know, these addicts and these alcoholics, they're going to lie to you, they're going to this, they're going to that. I'm like, not really. Well, for one, usually one of my other counselors talking to the family member. So I'm usually getting the truth dripped in. So I usually kind of know already. But two, it, it's not up to me to call out every single lie. That's not, that's not really my job. My job is to help them feel heard and understood. Now it is my job to kind of know what's really going on. Big picture wise. Counselors can get themselves in big trouble when they don't, when they like literally don't know what's going on big picture wise. Is it important that I know every single thing that they did, every lie that they told, every action over the week? No, not really. I do have to know what direction to lead this person in, but I would never start to lead a person in that direction until they knew that I knew they knew that I understand them and all the uniqueness about their situation. So once you get to a point where you're trying to offer a solution to someone, like let's say you're trying to get them to go to treatment if you've listened to them long enough and you can express empathy for the situation and you can say, I know you have to still be able to check your emails for work because you're, I wouldn't say like this, but like fancy executive. And you can't just miss work. So, you know, I'm gonna, so I've found you a program that does that. So listen to what they have to say or at least sort of line up something that is matches with who they are. That's going to make it more appealing, make it more appealing to come out of the deep dark, shell the hole that they're in, not less appealing. And that's really hard because your emotions are going crazy. You gotta get strategic, not emotional. I, I, this happens less often than it used to happen, but it still happens a lot of times. People will work forever to get, you know, months, years, sometimes to get their person to come talk to a counselor. And, and sometimes that happens with you guys. You, you work, you do other things, you get your person to come, like talk to me. Or it doesn't have to be me. This could be anyone. But the ones that come talk to me. And if you're still at home, yelling, screaming, threatening, being upset, not that you don't have the right to, you definitely, that's definitely valid feeling. Then I can't get anywhere with them. And then I get frustrated. I'm like, what, what do you, what do you guys want me to do? Like, they're so miserable. Like, all they talk about is how horrible their mama is, their husband is, or whoever it is. And we can't get anywhere past that. And I'm thinking, okay, a family member over there, you're sabotaging me. Why are you bringing me? And usually family members want to pay me too. So I'm like, why are you paying me? Fix this problem. Because I need you to help me do this. And you've got to make it appealing to come out from underneath this anesthesia, I guess is what I might call it, that they're under. Those of you who are watching live, we're going to take some questions and comments here in just a minute and I am going to put the link up here if somebody wants to hop on and talk about this situation with me live. But remember, you are live. This is public. There are right now, as we speak, there's a hundred people watching and there will be probably a thousand by the end of the day. So don't get on here and say something that you don't want out there. I'll put the link up. For those of you who might want to hop on here for a minute and talk to me about your situation, here it is. And while we do that, and while we wait, I will remind you guys, there are resources in the description if you're looking for, if you're, if you or your loved one is, is ready to get some help in recovery coaching, we offer our strength based recovery coaching. You can do it like the one month or the three month, whichever one you want, but it's all based on like what's working right about you. Let's move you in the right direction. It's not a whole tear you down program. It's a build you up and pull you out of this kind of program. That link's in the description we or the invisible intervention. If you want to know how to do these things. I'm talking about how to like use all these counselor skills because maybe you can't get your person to see the counselor and you're the only one there. You're the front line. So you're going to have to do the thing that I would do because you can't get them to me. If you want to learn that, you want to look at the invisible intervention and if you need some help applying all that stuff along the way, you want to look at our family membership program where you can get like the weekly group coaching from Kim and Campbell and they can help you sort of like apply and pull apart the pieces and figure out how all these things fit for you. Exactly. All right. If you want to be on Live, I've put the link in the description and in the chat. I mean it's stream, it's a streamyard link. So you can click that and while we wait, and if not, I'm going to take some questions, comments, concerns over here in the chat. Let's see. Here's a comment from Pony. Halle says, I feel like giving up and like there will be an end of marriage down the line. He said the ideal. He said the idea of getting retired. Is there more to that? I feel like, I feel like maybe there's more because it feels a little incomplete. Let's move to Eric. Eric says if we, the family member don't have addiction, is it in bad taste to responsibly consume alcohol with your loved one who abuses alcohol from time to time? This is a great question. I'm glad you're asking this, Eric. If your person is not actively trying to stop drinking, as in they are still drinking, then I probably wouldn't change your behavior as far as your own drinking around them because sometimes actually if they know that you think they have problem with drinking and they know that you drink and now all of a sudden you're not drinking, they almost see it as like a dig or an insult or a judgment. It's like, oh, you think you're better than me or something, you know they don't. It doesn't feel good. So if they're still actively drinking, I don't know that I would curtail your behavior. If they are trying to stop drinking or they're in early recovery, then I probably would curtail it. Most people who are. Who have some time under their belt and they've been sober for a while, it won't bother them if you have a few drinks, but it definitely bothers them if you. If you're getting, like, super intoxicated. And I do have a fair amount of clients who get very frustrated because their spouse continues to drink. And it's like, now they're dealing with the spouse that's drunk. And not only is it like a trigger because it makes them want to drink, but it's a trigger because, like, now they're dealing with the intoxicated spouse. And I know you're thinking, well, that's your payback. But I'm just telling you, if you want them to stay sober, I do think you should curtail it back. It doesn't mean you can't drink at all. But I wouldn't have it in the house, and I wouldn't drink to excess in front of them if they're trying not to. Let's see. Peggy is asking how to get through to her son when he's in psychosis, he's hard to deal with. To be honest, Peggy, there's not a lot you can do to get through to someone in psychosis. I do have a video or two on this channel that I addressed that specifically. But when someone is in delusion, you really have. You have to deal with the psychosis before the addiction. It's one of the only times where you should deal with the mental health thing before the addiction. And you can't. You can't talk someone out of a delusion. You can, like, get them to be rational or present evidence. In fact, the more you do that, the worse that it gets. So the goal is to figure out how to either get them in treatment or sidestep it until it clears. So you want to try to not engage with them too much about the psychosis, because the more they talk about it, the more entrenched and deeper the delusion gets. See here, This is the rest of this question I was looking at earlier. Pony Halley says my husband said his idea of only being in bed watching Tick Tock and drinking all day, doing nothing after he's retired makes him happy, although he knows it's not good for him. I don't want that for me. I hear your frustration. You're thinking, dude, that's not how I want to spend the rest of my life. Part of the thing that's going on here is that when you're that far into an addiction, you lose the ability to experience joy and happiness from other things. So the idea of doing, like, regular things that maybe used to make them happy or. Or that they would enjoy don't really make them happy anymore because it's because of the chemical imbalance. It's because of the dopamines and the serotonins and all the brain stuff is they don't really experience joy from those things. So that's why they don't like to do them anymore. It's like they don't want to engage in activities that don't involve the substance because literally it can't be fun for them anymore. And so the thing is to get. And is to get them to see that actually life could be a lot funner. They could actually start to enjoy things again. It's hard to convince people of that when they're in the middle of it. Like, they just don't believe you because their experience of being sober is, like, either painful because they're in withdrawal, or at minimum, it's boring. So I don't believe you, and I'm. So you have. They have to get past at least past 30 days to start to, like, feel motivated and enjoy things again. So that's why that's happening. Let's see. Jennifer has a question here. How do you respond when the answer they give you to many things is when, well, I'm an alcoholic, so is there more? I think it looks like there's dots there. Basically, you're saying that they just own the fact that they're an alcoholic. I do think it's harder to deal with someone who. Who. Who knows they have a problem, and it's kind of in this, like, I don't care attitude, and they just own it. I think it's a lot harder to deal with someone in that state than it is to deal with someone in denial. Because denial will clear. It can clear. And there are methods for that. What you. What you're gonna want to have to get them to see, I think eventually is. Is like I was telling the. The viewer right before you is. Is that actually they probably. Life could be happier without it. And that might be difficult, but also you have to make the decision. You might say, okay, you made the decision. You're an alcoholic. But you can. Jennifer, you can make a decision about whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with an alcoholic. Because the truth of it is, is they cannot care about you the same. They cannot love you the same. And I know I'm probably going to get like a bunch of comments about that, have videos about that where I explain it. But their primary relationship and loyalty is to the addiction because it has to be. Not because they're bad, but because it has to be. And there's just not much left over for you. And so if the person is to the point where they totally know it and they're just owning it and they realize exactly how much it hurts you and they just don't care, then that may be a situation where you have to step back and do something different with yourself. Whether that's detach and just go on with your life or, or move detach from that relationship. Let's see here. How are ways to validate our addict? Look at any. You can validate any positive behavior that's in the right direction. It doesn't always have to be about the addiction. In fact, it really shouldn't be about the addiction. Really, your conversation should be rarely about the addiction, but about who they are as a person, about their intentions, about their talent, skills. The same way you would validate any son, any son, wife, husband, daughter, brother, whoever this person is for you. It's not any different. You don't have to validate their bad behaviors as related to the addiction, but you can validate any, anything else that's positive going on and that will get that dopamine drip. That will help them like, like being around you. Because you make them feel good about themselves. Same way the drug makes them feel good about themselves. Now you have the power to make them feel good about themselves. And now you, you can compete a little bit with the drug. Let's see, more questions, more questions. How do you help them make the association between their addiction and the natural consequences? Even if he is not making me the bad guy, my spouse tends to blame other things and other people. Thank you. Great question. If you're not the bad guy, if you're gotten out of that role, they can still blame other things like bosses, politics, the country, the environment, anything, whatever, kids, whatever. And they may do that to some degree, but deep down they actually usually do know that whatever the addictive behavior is, is causing them problems. They not. They may not be aware of the full extent that they're as miserable as they are because of the addiction, but they're aware more than they let on to you about that. And the reason I know this is because, you know, after like 20 something years of talking to people with addictions, I've rarely met one that didn't know it at all and didn't Care at all. Like, if you. Once you get them to feel safe enough, they. They do know that it's. It's causing them problems in a lot of ways, and they do actually feel bad about it, and they do want to stop, but they feel trapped, or they feel like there's not a better solution, or sometimes they feel like, okay, yeah, I've got a problem, but it's. It's not that bad. It's not causing that much stuff. But they know. They do know on some level, but they won't always tell it to you. The worst one with that is if they're addicted to weed. Sometimes they really don't make the connection, and that can be harder. But other than that, they usually do know. CCV says, I have expressed a lot of anger and snark in the past, and I'm now working hard to be empathetic and supportive while allowing natural consequences. Relapses keep happening. Hopeless. No. Okay, first of all, nice work. I am so proud of you. When you are being empathetic and allowing those natural consequences, you want the problems to happen because that's the only way to get them fully out of denial. You want them to figure out that they cannot manage it. If relapses are still happening, it's probably because they're thinking, like, maybe there's still a loophole out there. Maybe if I'm sober long enough and I reset my system, then I can use normally or something like that. And so you want. You don't want to stand in the way. You don't want to, like, stand in the way of them learning that lesson. I think the faster the better. So don't think that just because they're still drinking and using, like, you're using these skills, don't make them stop the addiction you're using them. These skills that I teach you guys get you out of the bad guy roll, which then allows them to see the problem for itself. And you don't want to slow the problem down when you're in that state. So it's just a different way of looking at it. But congrats on changing it. And the fact that you're saying relapses keep happening makes me know that your techniques are working because it makes me know that they actually have periods of sobriety and periods where they're trying to stop. So it's working. Is red flushed face, itchy skin, taking Tums constantly a sign of liver damage? Thank you. I'm not 100 sure if it's a sign of liver Damage, but those are definitely signs of. Of a problem, like when you drink too much and stuff like that. So it would make me think there probably. Yeah, could be liver damage, but I'm not for sure if it's that. But it's a sign that the. If I'm assuming it's alcohol, it's causing problems for sure. Medically, Brittany says, what are some considerations for early recovery? My family member is no longer in denial and ready to do the work. That's fantastic. I love him. This makes me excited. I would probably give you a better answer, Brittany, if you'd asked me a more specific question, because considerations for early recovery, so broad, I'm not. I'm not exactly sure how to address that. My first instinct is to say, to think about your loved one and their personality, their likes, their dislikes, who they get along with, what. What kind of, like, help might be helpful to them, who would they respond to, what kind of situation would they work best in it and kind of, like, customize. Help them customize a plan for themselves so that they have a good experience with it. Because above and beyond anything else, when. When people come to see me, my main goal isn't to make them be sober forever. My main goal is to make sure they have a good experience dealing with me so that, firstly, so that they keep coming back and we can eventually figure this problem out. And secondly, if it's however long down the road and the problem comes back, they're not going to resist, going to get some help because they had a good experience with it. So you want to make sure that they. If they're going to get some help, that they have a good experience with that help, at least. Hopefully, that's what will happen. Nancy says grandsons came to live with me and the addicted child. I need to evict her, to not expose them to her drinking and behavior. How do I show understanding while I'm going through the eviction process? I think those are two contradictory goals. I mean, you can do it on some level. You can say, I know this is hard, but I'm still doing it anyway. So you can express the empathy. But I don't think that's going to override the fact that you're evicting them. But what you're having to do, Nancy, is you're having to make the decision where to put your energy, and you're putting it towards your grandsons, and that's what you should do. So you can't always win every single battle. And when it's safety and Their kids involved you, you deal with that. You, you win that battle and that's what you're doing. So you're doing the right thing. There's probably not a lot you can do to make your loved one understand the fact that you're evicting them. Let's see here. Eric says, just finished Beyond Addiction. For those of you don't know, that's a book where you can read about the craft method. It's very helpful looking for the next step, Invisible intervention membership or weekly group sessions. If you are just finished the book, then you really probably understand pretty well the, the craft method, which a lot of the current visible intervention talks about the craft method. So I think it would go nicely and pair nicely. I've been working pretty fast and furious on the invisible intervention, like 3.0, like the updated version. And I'm not even sure I'm going to keep the whole craft method part in there. I probably will, but there's just a lot more in there specifically about communication techniques and skills training and stuff like that. So I think invisible intervention would be a good next step for you. The, the membership, the group sessions will help you if you want that you. It'll help you to apply it. So it's a fairly like, inexpensive way to be able to drop in like each week. Kim and Campbell are on there doing group coaching. So you can stop and you can, you can jump on like, it's kind of like a zoom call. You can jump on the zoom call and say, hey, here's my sit. Should I do? Or you can leave your question early and make sure it gets answered and stuff like that. So I would say invisible intervention. And you may want to add on just, you know, for a little while so you can have that support in applying it. But good for you. You've read the book. You're already, you've got your head on straight. Now it's time to do the work. Do you know any secular resources around enabling or boundaries? I have found. All I have found needs a higher power to work. I know that. I mean, I have an entire playlist on here about boundaries. And none of that involves higher power. Most, most any counselor can deal with boundaries, codependency, enabling and that kind of stuff. And they don't necessarily work from a religious perspective. So I think there's probably plenty of resources. As far as, like, support groups go. There's a lot of, like, look for a codependency support group that's ran by a counselor because usually it's not. It's not as steeped in religion unless they're like a Christian counselor or something like that. I hope that helps. There's also smart recovery and there's smart recovery for family members. That, that's another one you might want to look into. Let's see here. Robert says question my aw. I think that means alcoholic wife has used alcohol for coping tool over 40 years. Is there a way I can suggest other ways for her to cope without alcohol? I know I can't control her, but how do I get her to Basically, I think you're saying how do I get her to see that? It's, it's the problem. The issue is, is that the other, any other coping skill that you might suggest isn't going to do the job as quick or as fast as alcohol. So it's hard to compete as far as a coping skill is concerned. What, what you probably want to focus on instead. And you, and I don't want you to do this directly, you got to do this indirectly. ROBERT but you got to get her to see that the coping skills she's using, yes, maybe helps sol problem a little bit, but is causing a lot more other problems. Kind of like when you take a medicine, for one thing, but it causes way more side effects and problems than it's worth. That's what you really want to get her to see. Not you don't want to just say, hey, there's other skills, other things over here you could use. You want to, you basically want to get her to see that this alcohol is causing more problems than it's helping. Tracy says, so do you get the addicted. Wait, so how do you get a person addicted to weed to see that they are addicted? I, I think it's, I think it's difficult. One of the ways that people can see usually is I find when I deal with people addicted to weed, they're usually pretty depressed and their anxiety is getting wor and worse. Now they're initially, they think that the, the weed is the only thing that helps with the depression or the anxiety. But one of the questions that I ask is, is your anxiety and depression better or worse than when you first started? And it is always worse. And so a lot of times when you frame it that way, they can see that it's actually making them feel worse and worse and worse. It just happens so slowly. They don't realize necessarily that that is what is going on. Sometimes they realize that they're not as productive as they want to be, and then they realize that that is hurting their self esteem and self confidence. So that's another inroad that those are the things that people are most likely to recognize as far as like the, the negative consequences of that particular addiction. How or. Watt is an alcoholic man, when sober, is the nicest person. Loving, hard working. Once he starts drinking, he is nastiness, starts sleeping, punching, Sheer utter hatred of you. There's some science, there's some science behind that. The science behind that is alcohol is a, is a depressant. So your brain starts to try to counteract all of that alcohol by producing the opposite brain chemicals. So alcohol triggers gaba, which is kind of a, a mellow chemical. So your brain is, is counteracting it by producing a lot of glutamate, which is an excitatory, anxious, jittery, keyed up kind of feeling. And so neurobiologically they get in that state a lot of. That's why people sometimes get like angry and want to fight when they're drinking. It's because initially it's like, yes, it calms them down and then it does. The opposite is because their brain is trying to keep them in homeostasis. It's trying to keep them alive. So it's pouring in the opposite chemic. That's part of it. And then the other part of it is because alcohol turns off your frontal lobe, which is your filter. So if you're a nice guy, all that bad crap, all you, all your stuff, like normally you would suppress everything and hold it in and be Mr. Nice Guy. And it's like, there's no suppression now. The gate is wide open. It doesn't mean that they actually believe and feel the things they say when they're intoxicated. Because sometimes people say that, they say, oh, they're speaking the truth now. Not really. Because when all those, that glutamate and all those other brain chemicals are all jacked up, they feel, they think and feel very differently about everything in their life. So yeah, they're thinking and feeling it at that moment, but it's because their brain chemicals are objective. Kind of like think about like when you, you see women who have like postpartum depression and sometimes they have like, I don't want to be a mom and I want to run away. Is that how they really feel? Probably not. But the brain chemicals are so wreaking havoc with them that's making them feel that in the moment, but it's not how they would feel normally if that problem wasn't happening. Let's see. Joanna says, it seems that we have Always been taught that weed isn't addictive. I think it is too. Yes, it definitely is. I do feel like these days more and more people are recognizing, you know, like 10 years ago teenagers would tell me that all the time it's not addictive. You can't get chemically dependent. I feel like now because it's so many more people are addicted to it and it's so easy to get and they're using it in so much more concentrated forms, like all day, every day. I think a lot of people are coming to terms with the fact that it's addictive. Now they may say, well, it's addictive but it's harmless. They may try to minimize the negativity of being addicted to it. But I do think more people realize that now because people are like literally using in those vape pens all day every day. Like they know they're addicted now. Let's see. Sristy says my addicted loved one used to drink heavily almost every day for the past two years. Since the past two months, something has shifted in him. He has stopped drinking. He has lapped twice but is taking good action steps. He has joined a gym and he goes during the evening, his usual binging time. Both the slip ups happened when he was having bad headaches. How do I help him? He has been so honest and open with me. First of all, I want to say good job to you, Tristy, because I've been seeing your name on this channel, on these lives for a long time and I know that you are part of the reason why he is figuring it out. So I'm so proud of you. So I just want to say that first and foremost the headache thing, the, the thing I'm thinking there, people are more prone to relapse when they're hungry, angry, lonely, tired. And I would also put in pain there because it wears, it wears down your resiliency. It's like it takes your willpower tank and depletes it immediately. It's kind of like when you're in pain, you're grumpy, you're irritable, you're mean, you're not in a good mood. You're. What that's a symptom of is, is your willpower tank being depleted. So helping someone get more comfortable, even get them something to eat, let them rest, will actually help them, like help them feel better. Kind of like when you're really hungry and you're mean and you're irritable and, and all your willpower is gone and you don't Care about being nice to people. It's that same sort of thing. So I think it falls into that hungry, angry, lonely, tired thing. So if there's something that he knows causes the headaches, you can maybe even preempt it. You know, is it because he's blood sugar's low? Is it because he's staring at the computer screen too long? Like, is there something that's causing that? And you might could look at trying to like prevent that or deal with the headaches early on or have a headache emergency, like evacuation plan, like what to do. Okay, here's what we're going to do when that happens. But basically it's like he runs out of energy to resist when he's in pain. That's what's happening. But I'm impressed with both of you. I think that's great. You're doing awesome. Quick question. I followed your advice and got the person I'm dating to start recovery. Nice. Impressive. But now he feels a bit detached and disengaging from our relationship and asking for some spaces that normal, It's not abnormal. And, and I don't know if that, if his saying space is about like, like the relationship stuff, like is in like the dating part or is in the part of like, or if it's like, back off of me, let me do my own recovery. I don't know what it's in. In con, you know, I don't know what it could be. Either way, I guess I could say, let's see. Can you please talk about dry drunks? My husband has stopped drinking for one year and six months by. But refuses to go to treatment. He's tried AA for three months. His sister has died seven months ago. He now wants a divorce. I used to use the word dry drunk more frequently, but I've kind of stopped using it because I. Because sometimes I feel like when someone gets sober, everything they do that the family or someone else doesn't like, they're calling dry drunk when it could just be a personality trait, it could just be another problem. So I'm a little leery of the word dry drunk. If you're not. If you've never heard of that term, it's an old recovery term that basically means someone maybe got sober but they didn't fix anything inside. So they're still sort of miserable person on the inside. And then some people think you're a dry drunk. If you got sober and you didn't go to 12 step, they'll say you're dry drunk just for that or or you're a dry drunk just because you didn't go to treatment or something like that. But, but I don't, I don't necessarily agree with that completely. So I would need to know a little bit more about your situation to give you more specific advice. Like, what kind of behaviors are you seeing in line that are your call? And dry, like, is what's. What's going on? I know you're saying he's wanting a divorce, but what, what else is happening there? And, and then I would be able to give you more specific kind of information. That's a good question. Like being in the family recovery membership would be because you get to get on live with the counselors and, and say these things so you can get better feedback. Let's see here. You're welcome, trustee. All right, everybody, we are about to run out of time. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for everyone who joined live. And for those of you who are watching the playback, we appreciate you, too. I will see you guys next Thursday at 1, as always. And we release new videos on Tuesday mornings. And of course, there are always resources in the description. I'll see you guys next time. Bye, everybody.