The Most Critical Do's and Don'ts of Helping An Addict or Alcoholic Overcome Addiction

The most critical thing that you absolutely have to do if you're trying to help an addicted loved one is you have to get your heart right. And that's what I want to talk about on today's video. I know I have lots of other videos where I talk about, you know, say this, don't say that, do this, don't do that. You know, help with these things and all those things. All. I've got lots of practical advice for you and I, and all of that is very, very true. So if you haven't seen those videos, you definitely should check them out. But today I want to go a little bit deeper into the issue, because when you get your heart right about the situation and you're coming at someone in a loving, caring, helpful way, that comes through in your being. It comes through in everything that you say. If you don't have your heart right about it, if you're coming from an angry place, in a fearful place, which I get that there are good reasons to feel angry and fearful. I don't want to mention, minimize that at all. And very justified to feel that way in most cases. But when you let those emotions sort of dominate you, even when you're saying and you're doing the right things, it definitely transmits across. And so it's not until we have this shift of heart that it becomes different, that it becomes easier. You know, I say all the time on here that it's really like a parallel process that the person with the addiction goes through and the family goes through. It really is the same. It's the same steps. It's the same process. Now, most people think that the person with the addiction has to go through the process first, and then the family gets better, which it can happen that way. But another way for it to happen is for the family to get better first, and the family goes through the process, and then the person with the addiction will go through the process. That's also a way to get there. In fact, that's usually like the faster, quicker way to get there. But earlier this week, I had someone in my office who's, you know, on this journey with addiction trying to, you know, trying to get rid of an addiction that this person has. And they were saying to me, because, you know, they'll do good for a while, and then they'll relapse. They'll do. They'll have months clean and then relapse, and then get, you know, six more weeks clean and then relapse. And they were saying to me, you know, I just feel like other people, you know, it's like when they get sober, eventually it gets easier for them and they're not thinking about it all the time, and they're not craving it all the time, and they're not, you know, it's not as hard for them. And he and I were talking about that together, and I said, you know, you're right on some level, because it. For most people, eventually there's a hard shift that happens in your recovery process. And when that happens, it all gets easier. And you don't feel like you're just on good behavior. You don't feel like you're constantly withholding. It's like the whole lens changes, and it's not like 100 completely easy all the time, but it's not like this white knuckling it feeling all the time. And. And I would say that it's the same thing for the families. There is this period where you're, you know, maybe you've just started watching these videos and you're trying to, you know, listen to some of the things I'm telling you, trying to change the way that you're interacting with the other person. In the beginning, when you do that, it will be somewhat forced. It will be somewhat of an act. There's no way around it. You don't go from, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm scared. You know, I'm resentful to. You listen to a video. Amber told you to say this, and then you say it and your heart's all right. That's not the way it's going to happen, typically the way it happens. Just like with the person who gets sober and they get sober and they start to feel better. And it's not this big epiphany moment. It's a process. It's a heart shift that happens a little bit and a little bit and a little bit. And the same thing happens for the family. Most of the time when you change the way you're interacting with your loved one, they will change the way they interact with you back. Now, that change will happen long before their substance abuse will change. So I'm not saying you change the way you interact with them and then they quit using drugs and alcohol. That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying you change the way you interact with them, they'll change the way they interact with you. I mean, they almost can't help it. You know, people are like systems, and if you change one person, the other person changes. It's just the way that it is. So if you change, you, you're going to change something about them. And you have to at least get out of the bad guy role as the family member. You have to at least get to the point where they don't view you as the enemy. That's like bare minimum. But if you can get your loved one, your addicted loved one to the point that they view you as an ally and they trust you and they want to talk to you about things, now you're like master ninja level status. And now you've got a whole different thing. And you're probably not going to get to that level of things until you have the hardship. You're not going to get the master ninja level until you have a spiritual change in the way that you feel about it. So let's talk about what's the difference? You know, what does that fizz, that spiritual heart change look like and feel like when you. The first one of the things that you have to do is I think you have to believe in your heart and in your mind that the person can get better and that people do get better from this. It's easy for me to believe because I see it every day. You know, I get to talk to people who are at every level of this. The beginning, in the middle, when it's hard. And then, you know, when they're out there living their best life and everything's fabulous and they're so glad they did it. And that gives me a perspective, which makes it easier to see that people do get better for this. So if you're having a hard time thinking that it can happen for your loved one, imagine the sort of subliminal messages that you're sending when you don't believe it can happen, right? It's going to come out of you in some way, even if you're not saying that to them. Because it's just how you feel and it's gonna, it's gonna resonate and it's gonna change the way that you interact with them in some way, even if you're not really fully aware of that. So the first thing you gotta, you gotta believe that they can get better. Now a lot of people say, well, my loved one's never gonna get better because they told me they just love to drink or they just love to do drugs and they just never gonna stop. I'm like, dude, I, I don't, I don't think I've ever met any of them that have this problem, didn't feel that way at some point. Most of them say it at some point, but they all feel it at some point. And I'm like, okay, whatever. You know, that's just, that's just big talk. That's what I like to call. That's just big talk. Don't worry about that. Sometimes people say, well, they've tried a bunch of times. And I say, what takes everybody a bunch of times? You know, you have all these things in your head about why this person can't get better. You're subconsciously holding your own self back, which is probably impacting that person as well. Now I will say that as a family member, sometimes you have to get to the point where you say you're not necessarily. There's a point where you have to step back. And it's not necessarily you don't think that they can get better, but you do get to a point sometimes where you think, I can't have a front row seat to this situation any longer. I can't be there with them side by side while they figure that out. But if you're still in the game with them and you are still trying to help them, then you, you do need to believe that they can get better. The other heart shift that you have to have, it's kind of a filter change, is you have to start to see their good qualities, which is hard when someone's been a big jerk ball and not been very nice and really disappointed you and let you down. A lot of times I get that it's super hard to like see anything nice about them. I totally understand that. But I want you to dig deep. And the reason why this is so helpful is because when you can see the good parts of someone else, two things happen. One is they like you better and they want to be around you. Because who doesn't want to be around someone who thinks positively of them? And two, it helps them to see the good parts of themselves. And that's another thing that needs to happen for this person that's addicted. You know, there are these phases which we talk about a lot, right? They have to like, realize that they do have a problem. They have to realize the magnitude of the problem. They have to realize, come to terms with what it's going to take to get better. And they have to decide that they have what it takes to get better. There are a lot of pieces, and so you the same thing. You have to understand what you're dealing with, but you have to believe that they can get better. And then when you can see their strengths and their positive qualities that's going to help them see their strengths and positive qualities, and it's going to help them want to be the best version of themselves. I would probably say if there's anything that I do that's the. Or I would say if there's the most helpful thing that I probably do with the people that I see is. And this just comes pretty naturally to me. But I can just see their positive qualities usually in the first session. If not by session three, I can, like, totally see something about who they are. And I just focus on that. Like, I just talk to them about that all the time. Time. And the more positive you see in them, the better they want to be, the more. Because guess what? Now you're the administer of the dopamine. Because when you're thinking positively and genuinely giving someone positive feedback, now you're giving them that dose of dopamine because you're giving them something positive. And you're dealing with a person who really doesn't get that very many places anymore, right? And so now you can compete with the addiction a little bit. You know, this is how you get, you know, let's talk about strategy. This is how you get on the level with the addiction. You beat it at its own game. So it has to be genuine, you know, and it has to be more than, like, the standard, you know, I love you, you're really a good guy deep down inside. Like, it has to be specific and it has to be real. So you have to say specifically what it is. And it works best when you can say. But give them examples about why you're saying it. You know, you are so resilient. Maybe that's the quality you see in someone. And then you give them three examples of how they're super resilient and they've gotten through things that other people can't get through. Has to be real and authentic. Otherwise it's just like, whatever, you know, they're just saying that or whatever. Once they see that you really can see these things inside themselves, I'm telling you, they're going to want more of it. Because one of the highest human needs there is is a need for connectedness. And if there's one thing that is powerful enough to beat addiction, that's. It feels like that's some kind of, like, movie, like, with a romantic ending, right? Like, but it's true, right? The one thing that's powerful enough, the one human drive that's powerful enough to beat an addiction is connectedness. Think about even people that are really fully addicted they still, most of them want some level of connectedness. Even if it's connectedness with their other using friends, they to belong somewhere. They want to be seen. That is still something that's alive in most people. Unless they're literally in stage terminal, like really, really, really far gone, that is still in there. And that's a power that you have to bring that person back from that addiction. Like it's, it's bringing their true self forward almost. And you have to be able to see it. So when you can see it, and then bonus, when you interact with someone like that, guess what happens? They treat you nicer. And it makes it even nicer to like treat them that way. And then it's like a feedback loop, which is the same process that happens for a person that has an addiction, right? Like they get sober, probably faking it at first and just white knuckling it. But then they feel better, and then they like their life better, and then their energy is different, and then they start getting better energy back from other people. And then it's a momentum and a cycle. In the right process, you can get a cycle going in the right way, just like you can get a cycle going in the wrong way. So just remember that. So I believe they can be better. You got to find their strengths. Now, I used to say when I dealt with teenagers a lot, I would tell their parents, I'd say, you need to find them doing something right this week. And I don't care if you have to make it up, if you have to start from making it up, or at least just find something that's like, maybe it's like this big of a good thing. Make it into this big of a good thing at first because it's a seed and you're growing it. When you're doing that, it's like you're nurturing, you're putting some miracle grow on the good thing. That's what you're doing. I want you to imagine that when it's happening. So find something. Now, I used to say you have to make it up, but I was mostly teasing about that. You got to find something that's genuine, otherwise it doesn't work because they just think that you're just like saying the, the nice thing and you don't really mean it. Just like when other people flatter, try to flatter you, but you know they don't mean it doesn't work, you can feel that, right? So those are two really big things that you need to do. But there are some. Don'ts Even though I'm all about being positive, even though I'm all about being hopeful, I don't think you should be naive about it either. And this is where the delicate balance comes in. So do be positive. Do you think they can get better? Do you see their wonderfulness? But don't be stupid. Don't be naive. You know, find their good qualities and see what they're doing right, but also see where they're manipulating and where they're lying to you and lying to themselves and where they're doing not so good. Now, you don't want to comment on all that necessarily, but you definitely want to see it. Because if you just stay all the way over here on the positive sunshine and rainbow side, then this person will probably interact with you nicely, but they're going to fool you. And it's hard for someone to respect you when they can fool you. So you don't need to call out every little lie or manipulation just because it's not necessary. But you also can't be just completely naive and believe everything that someone's telling you. So you do need to be honest with yourself. And I found people on both ends of the spectrum. Some of the family members we meet, they're so angry. It's so hard for them to see any kind of light at the end of the tunnel. And there's good reasons for that. And then other times, we meet family members who literally are in such denial about it and just looks my Siri watch talking. They're in such denial about it that they can't even see that they're being manipulated and lied to. You know, Campbell. And I'll be like, oh, my gosh, are you serious? Like, you believe that or whatever, you know, so you do have to be able to see the truth, but it doesn't mean you have to call it out all the time. You do need to have healthy boundaries. And it. That's probably. The boundaries issue is probably one of the most complicated parts of helping someone has an addiction, because it's something that I even have to go back to over and over because you got to really dig down inside and say, is this a boundary or am I controlling? Because sometimes we slide over into that we're trying to control it place, and we call it a boundary. We sort of disguise it under the boundary category or whatever, you know, so we're just having healthy boundaries. And sometimes it can be the same boundary. That can be the same requirement. Two people could say the same thing, and one of them, it could be a Boundary. And one of them, it could be controlling because it has to do with your heart's intent when you're setting it up, right? Like, for example, if you're saying something like, you can't live in this house if you're doing drugs, if the intent and the real, like, for real thought and meaning behind that is because I cannot have you in this house because we have, like, kids here, or because whatever happens to you when you use makes you not safe to be around or create so much chaos. Like, literally, I can't have it here. That's a boundary. But if it's. You can't live in this house if you're using drugs, because you think if you. You know, if you hold all the power and the keys, because I hold, like, a place for you to live and a car and food for you to eat, and I'm holding it over your head, thinking, if I hold this over your head, then you're gonna not use drugs because you're not gonna be stupid and you're. You're not gonna, like, choose drugs over your family living in the street. Number one, you're being naive and you're wrong, because they will. And number two, you're not you boundary. But it's not a boundary. It's controlling. You're trying to use it to control something. So you have to, like, get super honest in your heart with. With your intentions and with your feelings, and they have to do that too. To be in recovery from addiction, you have to get super, like a superpower of being honest with yourself about your intentions, where you come from, why you're doing what you're doing. So both the family member and the person in recovery have to develop these skills on a level that most people don't have to develop. And that's why all my favorite people in recovery, like, they're literally just like. It's true that people that are struggling with addictions are sort of. I don't know what the right word is. Badder people than most normal people, right? They do morally wrong things more often. It's also true that people in recovery do better, more moral things than the average person. So I like to say when people get better, they don't just sort of go back to their, like. Like they were before. They. They're better than they were before. So because you have to grow these muscles, like all these videos you're having to watch, you're having to get real about boundaries and communication and talking and honesty and integrity. These are muscles that you're growing through this recovery process, whether you're on the family side or the recovery side that most people don't have to, like, dig that deep into, they're not going to have to go and work those muscles out as hard as you're going to have to work those muscles out, because you're climbing a mountain and you're not going to get to the top of it without these muscles. And so in the end, if you can learn all these things and, and change your heart, no matter what happens to your addicted loved one, you will come out a better person and you will like yourself better and you will be happier in your own life. If you don't do this, their addiction can destroy you. Like, I've seen a lot of family members be destroyed by someone else's addiction. That person gets clean and sober and moves on and has a good life, but the trauma that it causes, the family doesn't heal. And, and that destruction can stay in place. So all these things, I'm telling you, I usually tell it to you because I say this is what you need to do to help them, but it's also what you need to do to help you. And you need to do it regardless, because otherwise you, you know, you turn into that other person that we talk about, that person that you don't like. That's. That's resentful and hurt. And if you've ever heard the saying that hurt people, hurt people, if you haven't, you have now. It's true, right? The people that do the most hurtful things are all people that have been hurt. Not, not everyone has been hurt. Does hurtful things. It's what you do with that. But if you stew in that hurt and that resentment, what happens is eventually you feel justified in acting in certain ways that are hurtful to other people. Because maybe you develop this belief that, you know, the world doesn't mean evil place, and if you let your guard down, it'll eat you up. And so you're walking around with like, this wall of defensiveness and big talk and all that kind of stuff all the time. You know, if you, if you get your heart hardened, you're not going to be able to receive any of the good things in life. So please look at yourself. Figure out, where is my heart stuck? Where can my heart change? So you do want to have boundaries. You do not want to try to control. The more you try to control. I will say this all the time. I could literally say it every single video, and it would. I would not be saying it enough. The more you try to control, the more you slow down the process. It happens almost every week now, usually more than once a week. I have somebody that comes into my office. I had it this week with a young person and the family, they started changing. They started doing these things. And by the time that I talked to this person, and most of the time, I don't get to talk to the addicted person, they go on somewhere else, and I never talk to them. But even the ones that I get to talk to, it's just amazing. Like, they're insightful. They're in the active stage of change. They are so ready to change. You know, they don't spend any time complaining to me about their family. They get right to it. It's, like, amazing. And as an addiction counselor, it's so amazing because that. That never happens. People don't come in to, like, get addiction up. They don't say, amber, I'm addicted to such and such, and it's so bad. And I got to do. I got to get better. What do I do? I'm going to do everything. Tell me. Like, that's like a unicorn. But that happens more and more and more often in my office. And it's not because of what I'm doing. It's because of what you're doing. You're changing the way you interact with them. And usually in about six months, nine months, a year, their whole mindset shifts. It doesn't mean that they quit everything, but by the time that those months change, their whole thinking about it changes. And they are so ready to make a change. And when they do it, it sticks. And a lot of those people are able to do it without ever even having to go away to treatment because they're so ready to do it. They're just done with it. They've had a hard shift. Your heart shift. Will create. Can create. I shouldn't say will, because it doesn't always work. It can create. It's most likely to create a hard shift in the other person that makes them ready to make changes. You know, you. You hear all the time, like, if you go to Allen, you can't. You didn't cause it. You can't cure it, all that kind of stuff. And you're right. You can't cure it. But you can do some certain things that get people to open their own heart up to get ready to make the change. I would love to hear from you guys who are here with us live. What is your experience with this? If you are a family member, what have you Tried. That's worked. What have you tried that hasn't worked? If you are a person in recovery or trying to get in recovery, what is it that your family, friends have done that has helped and what is it they have done that has not helped? If you are watching on the playback or you're listening on the podcast, we are so glad that you're here, too. If you didn't know, we are now taking our live episodes, which happen every Thursday at 1 Eastern. We take the live YouTube episodes and we turn them into podcasts, which you can watch or listen to here on YouTube or you can listen to it on. I think it's on Apple and Spotify and Google. So a lot of you guys are saying, I wish your stuff was on podcast so I could just listen to it when I like, you know, do my exercise or driving the car or whatever. So it is totally there now. So check them out if you haven't already. But for those of you who are showing up live, there's a lot of you here. I'm glad you're here. I want to hear what you have to say about this, and if you'd like to come on and talk about it here with me live, I'm going to put the link up here for you. Remember, if you click that link, then you're going to be up here live with me. So don't say or do anything you don't want out there because we're like, live on social media. And I can't take it back once you said it. Even if I close it down, it's already out there in people's eyes. Do that mindfully. All right, I'm gonna put the link up there for you guys. Here it is. It's coming in the chat for you, and it starts with streamyard. If you click it, you'll get put up here. If we have several of you that want to join them, we will take you in the order that you pop up there until we run out of time. All right, let's say hello to our people that are here with us, our guests. Hey, Saska. Look at that. You were like the first one in here. Nice. Is it? Eileen is in here. Laura's in here. Oh, this is a new name. Liliana. Am I saying that right? Welcome. I don't think I've seen your name. There's Anthony. You're like a OG Anthony. I wish I could give you guys, like, tags or something. I'll give you an OG Tag. Jennifer's here. We Ramble star, Debbie, Carrie, I think your name is new, too, Carrie. Let's see, some of you are popping on to say hello live. See, Carrie's got a comment here. Oh, we have a super chat. See if I can put it up here. Our super chat is from we the rabble. Am I saying that right? Thank you so much for your cheap super chat. I'm gonna try to, like, put up on the screen if I can figure out how to do that. All right, I'll figure that out in a second, but thank you so much. All right, Reggie, we're putting you on here. We can't see you. I see that you're there, but I don't see. Can't see or hear you just yet. Oh, wait. I can hear you. I think.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm trying. I'm new to this, and I'm trying to figure it out on my phone.

Okay. I just. You know, it's not.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just. I'm looking for all of the signs.

For all of the signs, like, that they're not doing good or for, like, all the signs that someone is doing good. What do you mean?

Well, you know, I feel like, you know, he says that he's being clean, but I don't think that he always is. So I feel like in. I'm always searching or trying to catch him.

Mm.

And it's such a horrible feeling.

It is. And it's hard not to, because it's a natural defense mechanism we have because we want to know if the house is about to fall in on us. Right. Like, naturally, you want to know. It's a way of protecting yourself. We want to know if they're not doing good because it feels dangerous for us. What I. What. What helps me with that, Reggie, is when it comes to real addiction, you don't have to look very hard for it. It will show itself. You may not know the moment someone picks up and relapses, like, you may not know on day one. But because of the nature of addiction, because it will get unmanageable. And if someone's been addicted for a while, it will get unmanageable pretty quickly. You don't have to look, so you don't have to stress yourself out about finding it all the time, it will show itself. You know, somebody. Somebody this week, somebody. They had a real. I said, oh, my God, Amber. Like, I totally, like, left my secret stash right out on the bedroom dresser. Like, oh, my gosh. How messed up. I'm like, yeah, that's the unmanageability you don't have to look hard. It will be so in front of your face that you won't be able to miss it. So, so stop looking for it. And you don't have to catch it every time. What's it gonna do if you catch it every time?

It makes me sad and angry and just, it feels like I fail because, you know, it's like I ask him to get help and he starts with going to meetings and stuff, and then he stops and, you know, he's got two children and it's just, it's hard.

It is hard. It is hard. And it feels like if they pick back up, like it's scared because it feels like I don't want to go back down that road we've been down. I can't do this again. It feels like I really, you know, am I making a mistake by keeping this person in my life? There's a lot of decisions you have to make, but you'll know when you're done. You don't have to put a time limit on it. You don't have to put it if you use one more time thing on it. You don't have to say, if you use this certain thing one more time, we're done. You'll know when you're done, and you'll know when they're manageability comes back. So stressing yourself out about finding it, it's a natural defense mechanism, but it's not very helpful because even if you found them the moment that they had a relapse or the moment it happened, the likelihood would be you would call them out, they would just lie to you, and then you'd be even madder. And it, that's true.

It's happened a couple of times. And that's exactly what's happened. Right.

So I, I, I tell people to actively stop looking. Like I was telling somebody this week, like, they have access to like, the bank accounts and they're like always logging on. I'm like, stop. Do I need to change your passwords? Like, stop looking. Because if you look and when you see something, then you're not going to be able to not say something. It's going to be eating you up inside. And I'm telling you not to say something. So then you're just torturing yourself. If you find it, you're torturing yourself.

You're right. That's it. And that shell every single day.

And then you can't even, like, live your own life. You can't do the things you care about. You can't enjoy anything because you're living in this almost like a fearful, almost like a paranoid state.

It's true. And I say I'm not going to act like my mom, like she did with my siblings. And I do. I'm, you know, afraid to leave my house. I don't know what's going to happen, you know, with him. I'm afraid when he goes out in his car, you know, I mean, I feel like a prisoner. And, you know, it's like I. I try to watch all the podcasts and listen to all the things, you know, and it's like I just don't know the right decisions to make. I want to be there, but I don't want to be walked on.

Right. You know, so, so those are, you know, I like what you're saying is I want to be there. I just don't want to be walked on. If you're going to look out for anything, just make sure you're not being walked on. Like I say all the time, as positive as I am, I wouldn't let someone. I mean, sure someone has addiction, they might be grumpy or irritable, but I would not let someone be abusive to you. I would not let someone stay. That stealing from you all the time, like there are lines in the sand. Yeah.

I mean, he doesn't do any of that. He's not hateful to me. He doesn't steal from me. But it's just that. It's just his lies, you know, it's like the stories he tells, they. They make sense to only him, you know, and he just refuses to believe, you know, and then I fight with my family members and my husband over it, and it's just a constant battle all the time. You know, it's like I read, you know, you, you know, not to throw him out, but then to go ahead and throw him out, you know, it's like I know he'll be living on the streets and, you know, you just, you just don't. I don't know what to do. And I know that there's no one right answer, you know, it's just. And I know millions of people go through it. It's just.

If you were, if you were trying to get better from like a drug or alcohol addiction instead of like a. An addicted loved one addiction, what we would tell you is just go on the one day at a time. I'll figure it out today. And stop stressing yourself about making all the right choices. You'll figure out what to do when Each scenario presents itself, and if you have your heart in the right place and you have sort of a God post on how you make those decisions, you don't have to live in fear all the time because you. You already know when it happens. You have almost like a formula or a values guide that you. You can sort of, like, refer to. This is how I make these decisions. And then you make a decision based on that.

Thank you, Amber.

You're welcome. I hope that helps a little bit. You don't have to snooze, I promise. You don't have to look. Yeah, I don't snoop. It's just.

I just feel like, you know, every time I run outside and I'm, like, waiting to catch him, and I don't want to catch him, but, you know, it's just. It's. I feel like just. I just live my life in fear every morning or every day, you know, trying to. Not trying to catch him, but thinking that I'm going to.

I guess I'm being scared that you will catch him. It sounds.

Yeah, yeah.

And then it's like, what will I do?

Yeah, I don't want to monopolize all your time, but.

So what will you do if you catch him? If you had the answer to that, maybe you wouldn't have to worry about it so much. What will you do?

I know. Well, I told him that I can suspect that he's doing it all that I want, but until I can prove it or I catch him again, and that's it, he has to leave because I can't have it in my house. I can't watch him go down on that road. I cannot watch him destroy his life because it breaks my heart and it hurts me to see him hurt himself.

Okay. You know, and let's back up with that boundary. Let's go back. That. That's probably a big piece of why you're looking for it all the time, because you've set this boundary of. It's interesting. The way you're saying is. You're saying I can't suspect it, but if I can, if I prove it or if I catch you using, then I'm gonna have to throw you out. Out. That's why you're so scared to catch him using, because you've set this line in the sand that says if I catch you, I'm gonna have to throw you out. And you don't want to throw them out, so you're scared to catch him. Exactly right. That's not the good boundary. First of all, you don't have to prove it. I would say, here's how I set the boundary on living in the house. I'm not gonna let your addiction take me down with. With it. It. So if it's. If it's destroying me or if it's just. If there's other people in the house, if it's destroying them, then you just can't be here, and that's it. Proved or not proved. You do not have to prove it, because let's say you knew that the person was using. You drug tested them all day long, but you knew that they were, like, sneaking around the drug test or something. Now you've put yourself in this position of, well, I have to catch you. You're gonna. They're going to catch you in, like a back. You into a corner with that. So. So I would relook at the boundary and that. Because that's. That boundary is probably why you're staying stuck in that fear mode.

Okay. Makes sense.

Okay. Yeah. You'll know when you know. All right. Thank you for coming on. Sorry we couldn't get your camera working, but we could hear you.

No, that's okay. Thank you so much.

Let's see here. Carrie says, oh, my. I remember going through this thinking I hit bottom over three years and had that revolving door of clean and relapse until the event happened on 12, 5, 2008. And I knew that was it, and I was completely done. So for. For you, Carrie, it. It did happen. Like, this hardship it does have sometimes for people, like, I call it like the Jesus comes down on the mountain moment, like, all in one moment. This magical moment for most people, it's. It's a process. And even for people that Carrie happens in one moment, it's probably kind of coming to that. You're probably kind of like, felt it coming, and finally it was like a final straw or something, and then that was it. But what was it, Carrie, that happened? Was it a thing that happened, or was it just a. A place, a time? You just finally got done with it, you know? Tell us how you got there. Star says, I view my alcoholic husband as the enemy. Can you change that, Star to I view alcoholism as the enemy. Because once you. If you can shift that in your head to, my husband's not the enemy, the alcoholism is the enemy, then you can have the right strategy. Right? Because you're not trying to fight your husband. You're trying to fight alcoholism. And. And it works in a certain way. Once you understand how alcoholism works, then you can gather the tools and the strategies to defeat it. But if you're trying to fight your husband, then your husband is going to get very busy protecting the alcoholism. So one of the strategies to beat alcoholism is to get your husband back on your side, and then together, you can beat the alcoholism. See, Katie says, finally got out of the bag. I roll. And my husband is sober and wants to talk to me about his sobriety journey. Your techniques work? Yes. I love it. It's like a testimony. Thank you. Yeah, it does work. It feels awkward at first, but usually if you start doing it, the heart shift will come. And I can tell that Katie's had the heart shift because it. Once it starts working, you start believing more. I heard this person talking about the. They were talking about the 12 steps once, and they were talking about the third step, which is came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore my insanity. Now, regardless of the religious part, you can take that part or not take that part. It's up to you. But I like the way that they described it, because they said most people think that it's like, oh, I believe it, and then I take action on it. But really what happens is, is I take action on it, and then I believe it. So, for example, it's like if someone is standing at this top of this huge cliff or what, whatever, and you're saying, jump, I'll catch you. Jump, I'll catch you. Jump, I'll catch you. If you wait for them to just believe you and then jump, guess what? It's not gonna happen. It wouldn't happen if it was me, because I wouldn't do it because I'm a chicken. I'm like, no, no, no, no, I wouldn't do it. But if there was a tiger behind me, it was about to eat me alive. And my choices were be eat alive by the tiger or jump. Because you're saying you'll catch me, then I'm probably gonna jump, and then when you catch me, then I'm gonna believe you. So action comes before feeling very often. So if you'll start doing the right things, a lot of times, these hard shifts will happen. If you're doing the right things and the hardship isn't happening, then there may be something keeping you stuck. And that may be when you want to, like, talk to a counselor or work with someone to figure out, why am I staying stuck. Maybe it's like, you know, maybe you're, like, literally stuck in, like, a PTSD trauma reaction. That's why you're stuck. Maybe you're stuck because you've been hurt and wounded so deeply that you need, you know, more than just time to make that better. You know, there, there are some things that could keep you stuck, but usually if you change your behaviors, they change the way they're interacting with you. Then the other stuff comes along, but it's behavior first and then feeling. Let's see. Question from Saska says, how do you detach with love? As a wife of a functioning alcoholic, I don't react to the drinking, but I've pulled away emotionally because I want to protect myself. If I knew a little bit more specifically about what happens that you want to protect yourself from, then I might could comment on it better. Like, like when, when the person drinks, do they get nasty or violent and that's what you're trying to protect yourself from? Or is it more like I'm trying to protect myself from disappointment? You know what's happening? That's that you're trying to protect yourself from. And then sometimes when you really look at it and you say, I'm just doing this to try to protect myself, and you realize it's not even protecting you. Like your, your, your invisible shield doesn't even work when you look at it. Like, is it even protecting you? Because if you are detached and you're, you're detaching back from trying to control it, but you can't emotionally connect, that's a piece that's probably keeping you in a deprivation state. And the other person. So if it's not safe to emotionally connect, that's one thing. But if it's like a. I think that I'm keeping myself from disappointed, like the whole like, I'm afraid to get my hopes up thing, that's like a fallacy because we just keep ourselves stuck in a, in a dark place when we do that. And we're still disappointed when the bad thing happens. So. Hi, Nancy. Jennifer says I need. They need positive things in their life and they do not feel alone. Hard to do when we're hurt and mad. So we need to heal and do good for ourselves and show that to them. I want to tell this to you, Jennifer. Oh, first, I'm say you're exactly right on your comment, but I saw your profile picture with the fingernails the other day, and it's so little. When I was looking at, I was like, what is that? I couldn't figure it out for the longest time, but now it's bigger and I can see it. Like it looked like almost like vampire teeth or something, but it's like fingernails, cool ones with the American flags. I like that. Eagle, winged turtle says, what is the point of having contact with an elderly alcoholic parent who has been through rehab a dozen times, lived out of state, and hasn't been sober for more than a year in 40? That's a good question. And it's. It's perfectly okay to say, I've done my best and I need to move on with living my life. I want you guys to know I am never saying that you should stay forever and that you should put up with everything and that you should have endless tries. That's not what I'm saying at all. To anyone out there, there is a point when you need to step back. So the point would be if you still wanted the connection, that would be a point to do it. Or if you still were trying to help this other person and being hopeful about it. But there does get to a point where those things are no longer, you know, viable for you. And it's okay to step back when that happens. I have addicted loved ones who I have completely stepped back from. So there's a time and a place to do that, and then there's a time and a place to. To keep trying. So. And you. You know, when you're there, usually you don't. You won't need me to tell you, because when you're so done, I could tell you to stay, and you would never listen to me because you're like, I am done. You don't need me to tell you. I promise. Cindy says, I've noticed when I don't mention his addiction, my son will talk to me about anything but his addiction. He's still in denial. He's such a nice addict, never mean, and he always helps us. If someone will talk to you about everything else, it's a good chance that eventually they'll feel safe enough to talk to you about the addiction. Probably won't happen until they hit a wall with the addiction. But if you've proven that you're sort of a safe confidant, you know, that you're not going to be overly reactive, then when he hits a wall with it, he'll probably come to talk to you about it. That's my first thought. My second thought, Sandy, is, I hate to say this, but these nice drug addicts, they're the hardest ones. They're really difficult because they're difficult to draw boundaries with because they are nice. You know, if. If they're mean, it's a little easier to draw boundary with. So in some ways, it makes it more difficult to deal with them. And because sometimes when people are, like, super people, pleasing, they won't ever tell you how they really feel. And I always say, I'd rather someone come talk to me in my office and say, amber, I think your stuff's like, a load of crap. I don't have a problem. Rather than just come in and constantly tell me, like, what they think I want to hear. Because I'm just like, okay, like, can we stop playing this game here? So hopefully it's not that kind of nice. And if it is, that's okay. Just for me, it feels harder. Mata says, I watch all of your videos like mad because my soul is hurting. I'm so desperate. I asked an ex addict to hold meetings for people who loved addicts. Did they. Did you. Did you, like, start a meeting or something with someone? Like, you started a meeting or you had an ecstatic starter meeting. Did you do it? Was it helpful? Let me know about that. Nancy says, I often wonder what life would be like without addiction. I eat, sleep, and breathe about addiction. My son seems nowhere interested in life without fentanyl, as we have open conversations. If you feel like you're Nancy, if you feel like you're eating, breathing, sleeping addiction, then it's probably a sign that you know you're addicted to the addiction and that you need to get some space from it. Much as I love you watching my videos, and I do, you don't. You don't need to watch my videos 24 7. You don't need to read about addiction 24 7. You need to focus on building a life for you, because otherwise you're in just as an addicted state and as. As the other person, and it's just a miserable life for you. So please don't eat, breathe, sleep, addiction, have other outside hobbies and interest. You know, sometimes you have to, like, put a time limit on, like, I'll talk about it only this amount of time, or I'll watch only this amount of Amber videos. Even if you have to do that, you do that. Let's see here. Saska, thank you so much for the super chat. For some reason, I can't figure out how to put it on the screen. Thank you so much. I never had a super chat of that amount. Very, very, very grateful for you. Thank you. Katie says taking a step back and not getting on him all the time helped so much. Yeah. And hopefully, Katie, like. Like, we were talking before. At first, it probably felt awkward, and it probably felt like you're doing the wrong thing. But then when it starts working, it gets easier. It's the same thing for addictive person when they first stop using, it feels awkward. It feels like they're doing the wrong thing. But eventually, it gets easy. All right, everybody, next, I'm going to put up here some more practical, like concrete kind of tips for you on the do's and don'ts of helping an addicted loved one. But I want you to remember if you those videos that the base of it is, it's in your heart. It's a hard shift that you're looking for. And once you get that, there's sort of a peacefulness about it that makes it so much easier and makes life so much more doable for you. Thanks everybody who is watching live. And thank you for all of you who have joined us on the playback or on the podcast. I'll see you next week.