The NO B.S. Way to Get (and Stay) Sober

When you're really, really, really ready to make a change and get sober, these are the steps that you need to take. Now, I know that you've probably taken some steps in the past, maybe you've had some sober time here and there, but it's not working for you. If you've had a lot of slips and falls and ups and downs, it's probably because you're not fully doing one of these three steps. I'm about to tell you. In old school recovery, they call it half measures when you're doing some of the things, but not all of the things. And I find that deep, deep, deep, deep down inside, most people know what actions that they're not taking that they need to be taking in order to really get this out of your life forever. I think it's kind of helpful to think of it like a bad relationship. Imagine you're in a bad, toxic, abusive, terrible relationship and you need to get out of it. If you think of it, about the steps that you would need to take in order to do that and apply them here, you have the right formula or pretty close to the right formula, because essentially an addiction really is a bad, abusive relationship. Maybe it started out good, maybe it was all wonderful in the beginning, but somewhere in there it got toxic, and that's where you're at. So the very, very first step that you need to take and you, and you really need to spend some time on this is you need to really get very, very honest with yourself about this relationship you have with this substance. Stop, you know, fantasizing about it, stop minimizing the problems, go back to that abusive, bad relationship scenario, stop telling yourself it's going to be different this time. And all that stuff you got to get really honest with what is this addiction doing to you? What is it doing for you, and what is it doing to the people around you? If you are still holding on to any kind of thought of this substance, this behavior, whatever the situation is, is still giving you some kind of positive something in your life, then what happens is it leads you to go back because you feel like you're missing out on something that you want. So as long as you have this addictive thing in your head as positive, like it does this great thing for me or does that great thing for me, then you're gonna feel like you're missing out, or you're gonna feel like you're depriving yourself. But when you really look closely at what's happening, you'll see that there is no positive. And whatever Positive there was. Was probably a very long time ago. And at this point, by the time you're watching this video, it's not doing anything good for you anymore. The only good that it might be doing is alleviating the withdrawal cycle. So you might feel like it alleviates your anxiety or stress or something like that, but probably what is really happening there is. It's just alleviating those anxiety, sleeplessness, those withdrawal symptoms that are really only there because of the addiction. So that's where it gets sneaky. It. It makes you think it's helpful. Yeah, it's helpful. You feel better when you do it, but you feel better because you're in withdrawal from not doing it, you know? So you got to get real honest with yourself and stop pretending that there's something positive there, because that's what's making you go back. Because even when you can acknowledge all the consequences and the bad things that are happening because of your relationship with this addiction, if you still think there's something positive there, then what happens is you try to figure out how to keep the positive but avoid the negative. You try to find the loophole. You try to figure out, how can I keep this relationship in my life? But not really let it go. Which leads me to step number two. For people who are really serious and ready to be done with the BS about it and get down to business. Make a change. Put your life and your family back on track. Step number two is you need to make the decision to get rid of it completely. What a lot of times we want to do is we want to still be friends. If you think of it in a relationship kind of way, like, okay, we're breaking up, but we can still be friends, and I can still call you up and talk to you every now and then, or I could still be around you and it's not going to bother me. Me. Now, when you are getting out of a toxic, nasty mess of a relationship, you're gonna have to cut it off, not do less of it, not spend less time with you. Like, cut it off completely. And there's a lot of things involved in that. When I say that, I mean stop convincing yourself you're gonna do it less. That's not gonna work. It's like convincing yourself you're in a bad, abusive relationship that you're gonna somehow change something and it's gonna stop being abusive. It's not going to. It is going to continue down that path. So you gotta. You gotta remind yourself that, no, like, it's gotta be complete break not do it less, not manage it different. None of that. You gotta make a clean break. But not only that, but you also have to get it out of your life in all the other ways. So if we go back to the relationship metaphor, you need to take the pictures out of the frames. You need to get rid of the stuff you had together. You need to delete all those pictures that are on your phone or at least put them somewhere where you can't get a hold of them. Get rid of all the reminders. And so when it comes to addiction, that means getting rid of the paraphernalia, getting rid of extra substances that you still have. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I hear people make excuses for if they're addicted to a substance, for keeping that substance, like, in their house. Come on, now, you know that's a bunch of PS. Stop. That's ridiculous. Eventually you might be able to be around whatever that thing is and it not bother you. That is. That's a real thing. But that's probably not gonna happen for you in the early stages. Y' all hold on a second. I gotta plug up my computer. I didn't realize it wasn't plugged, or else we're gonna get knocked offline here. So as I'm plugging up my computer, think about what you're still keeping around. And I know you're gonna have a million excuses for keeping the reminders around the paraphernalia, around the substance, around the access around. You know, if it's gambling and you're keeping the apps on your phone. Are you. Are you crazy? Are you silly? If it's pornography and you're keeping your subscriptions up and you're keeping apps and all that kind of stuff, you know that's not gonna work. You're not being serious about it when you do that, because what you're doing is you're leaving, number one, a lot of triggers which are gonna make it a lot harder. And number two, you're leaving, like, this big safety net in place is what you're really doing now. You're gonna have a million reasons to convince yourself why you don't need to get rid of this or that or the other. But you're lying to yourself. You're rationalizing and you're justifying. Because if you've done step one properly and you've gotten really honest with yourself about what this substance is doing for you, to you and to the other people, then you're going to get very, very serious about removing it. From your life because you're going to be honest with the magnitude of the problem and you're going to make whatever changes you need to make in order to make that possible. So get rid of it. Get rid of the reminders, get rid of the access to it. Make it really, really hard for you to get a hold of it. If it's a substance or a thing or something like that, put as much time and between you and that thing as absolute possible. If it was a bad relationship, like a bad girlfriend or boyfriend, you would block them from your phone. You know why you block them from your phone? And not just tell yourself you're not gonna answer their calls because you know you're gonna break down, answer their calls. Same thing here. You've done that before, right? If you think about relationship, you've done the thing where you've been like, I'm just not gonna answer their calls. Know if you see that number, you're probably going to answer it. And if you don't answer the call, they're going to send you enough text, one of them text messages going to instigate you to the point you're going to, you're going to say something back and you're going to re engage. So be honest with yourself. Block it like a relationship, like block it from Facebook, from phone, from everything. Get away from the access to it as far as you can get, at least for the first, like three months. Okay. Now the third step is the one where pretty much all the action comes in. The third step really involves a lot of little smaller steps. And this is where it can kind of differ a little bit for each person. But you know deep down inside what you need to do. When the third step is all about do whatever you need to do to make it possible. And I can tell you the typical things that you need to do. We've already done the one of them in step two, which is get, get far away from it. The other thing you need to do is you need to set up some kind of accountability for yourself. You need to, I call it, come out of the recovery closet. You need to tell other people, not everyone, but the important ones, what your new plan is. And I know again, you got a million reasons why you don't want to do that. Well, you know, I just don't want people in my business or I don't want my work fund out or this or that or the other in a lot of cases. In most cases, eventually addiction is life or death. We're talking about life or death. And if you're not to the life or death part yet, you are to the like, good life or terrible life part, okay? So even if you don't feel like it's going to kill you, it's probably ruining your future finances, your relationships, and hurting all the people around you. So this is serious is what I'm saying. So do what it takes. And telling the people you need to tell is important. Who do you need to tell? You need to tell the people that you would likely engage in that behavior or use that substance with if you didn't otherwise tell them. So if you've got a drinking buddy, if you meet your brother and y' all go do things together, whatever. The thing is, if you need to tell the people, that can hold you accountable. And when you're not telling them and you're giving yourself a reason or an excuse or rationalization not to tell them, you know you're lying to yourself because, you know, you may say, well, you know, it's none of their business or this or that, or I've even heard people say, well, I need to do this on my own because, you know, like, that's the only way it really works. That's not true. Telling other people is doing it on your own. Telling the other people is taking the necessary action steps to make sure that you're done with this thing. You're going to say that those are the reasons you're not telling the other people. But the real reason you're not telling other people is because you might change your mind. And you don't want to tell your drinking buddies that you're not drinking anymore because you might want to go drink with them. And what you do when you, when you don't tell is you leave it as an option on the table. And when you leave it as optional table, it makes it really tempting. And it makes it actually harder to stay sober and not go back because it's still an option. It kind of goes back into that category of step number two, which is get distance from it. So creating that accountability, telling the people. I'm not saying you have to tell everybody at your workplace, but like, let's say you're like a business person and your thing is you drink too much. And you and some other workmates, you guys have to go out to these, like, sales conventions or these networking things, or you have to take clients out and, you know, you would normally drink in those situations, find another person there and tell them, hey, I'm not drinking anymore. And if you're not Ready to tell them everything about all the reasons why. All right, I'm going to give you a little tiny cushion on that. Tell them whatever you want to tell them about why, but at least tell them that you're not doing it anymore. And it's better if you tell them all the reasons why, because that's even more accountability. But if you can't do that, at least tell them, hey, I'm not drinking anymore. I'm not smoking anymore. I'm not gambling anymore. Whatever it is, be honest and upfront about it. Obviously, staying away from the people, places and things as much as possible. And that sounds simple and it sounds like, okay, Amber, that's the obvious. Like, we all know that. But you're probably. If you're ha. If you're not being successful with your efforts to get and stay sober, probably one of the things you're doing is hanging on to one person or more, but at least one person, place, or thing that you know you need to get rid of. And you're making excuses about why to keep them in your life. Right? So, like, I'm trying to quit drinking, but my roommate, those parties every night. I know it's your roommate. I know it's gonna be a pain in the butt to move. It's gonna cost money. It's not gonna be easy. But you gotta do what you gotta do, because if you don't, you're not being honest with yourself. You're. You're trying to keep something there. A lot of times it's a romantic relationship or it's a family member that you feel really bad for distancing yourself from, but you've got to put that distance there. And it's not about thinking that that other person's bad. That's not it at all. You're not saying, like, you know, you're a loser, whatever, I'm not around you. You're saying, like, I'm trying to make this big change in my life and so I have to get distance from it. And some. In some of those situations, it is kind of important to have a conversation, say, hey, man, you might not see me around as much because I'm doing this or that. It's nothing personal. It's just this or whatever. And then other times, you just need to ghost them. And you know in your heart of hearts which one is which. There may be even special occasions or work functions or events that you need to choose not to go to. Yes, you can make a million reasons. You know, it's grandma's last Christmas you know, it's, it's important work event. My boss is going to be there. I need to network. But you have to put your recovery, the staying sober part, first and foremost for the first long while if it's going to work. Don't put yourself in those situations. The other action step that you need to take pretty quickly once you've made this decision that you want to get sober for real, is you want to put some things in place to keep you on track. So so far, what we've talked about is getting rid of things that are going to take you off track. People, places, things, bad ideas and thinking and all that kind of stuff. But you also need to put other things in place that are pulling you in right direction. These are action steps. Think about all the times you tried to get sober and you decide you're going to do it yourself and not tell everyone what happens. It's too tempting because it's only you holding you accountable. And it's way, way too hard. Because even if you mean it, but because you're gonna have a bad day one day you're gonna have low willpower. You know, you're just, you're gonna get a case of the efforts or whatever. So that's why you need to be open. I call it, you know, turn the light on to addiction because it only lives in the darkness. But put those other things in place that keep you thinking, right? It could be going to counseling, it could be going to support group meetings, it could be coaching, it could be podcasts, it could be videos, it could be books, it could be any type of influence. You're looking for influence here to keep your head on straight. Like a lot of times, like let's say if you're going to go on a diet or do a big exercise routine, you might read exercise magazines, you might watch diet videos, you might look at nutrition stuff online, whatever, because you're putting that influence. And the more regularly you have that influence, the more likely you are to stay on track because it's going to keep you motivated, it's going to keep you like in the right mindset, remembering what we tend to forget, which is the bad things or the reasons why we're making this change. So take action steps. The big things I see people do wrong are this. They tell themselves they're going to cut it back or they're going to stop for a little while. Doesn't work. They decide they're going to try to do it themselves and not include any other people, not tell anybody else, not get any outside influence, nothing. They're just going to do it all themselves. And the third huge mistake I see people make is they. They make a decision and they mean it in the moment, in the day, but they don't change anything else. And they don't take any of these action steps, and they think, okay, I'm just going to be done doing the substance, but I don't need to get help. I don't need to do any of these things. I don't need to change anything. I don't need to stop going certain places. I'm just going to not do that same thing anymore. That's ridiculous. It's not going to work that way. I know you mean it. I know you mean it. When you're thinking it and you're saying it, it sounds good on the surface, but if you have an addiction, it's been going on long enough that it's pretty hardwired in you, and you're gonna have to take some very active, strategic steps. Otherwise you're just gonna fall back into the old habits and not mean to. I mean, literally, a lot of people will relapse without even thinking, like. Like they could just, like, walk into the restaurant and they've just ordered a drink before they've even thought about it, or, you know, their buddy texted them and they met there. They literally, it's like, what the heck happened? Because you can so easily get on autopilot. You got to turn the autopilot off and put strategic decisions about how you're going to structure your day, who you're going to be around, what things you're going to listen to and put into your life. You know, you probably want to avoid watching, like, movies that glorify drug and alcohol use. All these things, these are steps you need to take. And they seem small, but they're big. They're necessary. They're essential. Because most people rationalize and justify why not do these small little things, which are literally the basic things that you have got to do to break an addiction. They're so basic. But we all have a million reasons why we think we don't need to do this one thing. And you know in your hearts that's why I haven't been working for you. It's because you keep going to that one place. It's because you're not deleting the app. It's because you're keeping that person in your life. It's because you keep convincing yourself that you're going to learn to manage it somehow. It's because you keep lying to yourself that there is some positive benefit left in that relationship with that addiction. And it's just not true anymore. I know you remember when it was good. I'm not saying it was never good. I'm saying it's not good now or you wouldn't be thinking about being done. You wouldn't have tried 10 times to get out of it. You wouldn't be watching this video. Video. So get real and get honest with yourself. Recently I've had probably three or four coaching sessions with people actually that made their own appointment to work on addiction. Like, I'm not, because you guys know I sell time. Most time it's the family member that comes to us and then eventually, you know, like the person comes to us. Lately I've had a good amount of people just say, hey, I've been watching your videos, you know, I just want your help. I'm trying to get sober. And they're serious. I mean, like they brought them their own sales. They weren't drugging by anybody else or anything. Like, I know that they mean it. And they're saying, I just keep slipping. I don't know why I really want to be done with this. But in the same breath, they'll. I'll usually ask this question. I'll usually say, well, why is it a problem? Or why do you need to stop doing it? And they'll say, well, this bad thing happened. I had a dui. I had a wreck. You know, I'm not being nice to my spouse. You know, all these things. They'll be able to tell me these consequences, which is why they want to stop. But they'll also tell me, they'll throw in these little statements like, oh, yeah, I'm definitely an alcoholic. I'll be like, how do you know you're alcoholic? They'll tell me all those consequences. They'll say, but I'm not one of them fall down drunk alcoholics. And that when I hear that that's in my mind, it's like, there it is. That's why this person keeps relapsing me is because there's another thought process that goes with, I'm not a fall down drunk alcoholic, or I'm not that bad of a drug addict, or I'm not like using those drugs. You know, I'm just like doing this over here or whatever. I'm not doing it every day. So what you're doing is you're saying, yeah, I'm an addict. Yeah, I'm an alcoholic. I need to stop because causing bad things, but I'm not that bad. That's very important because that I'm not that bad. What that does is it leaves room for I can learn to manage this somehow. That thought right there is the crack in the armor in the dam that is allowing you to lapse back over and over and over again. Because on one hand you're like, yeah, I know that this is a problem for me. But on the other hand it's like, but I'm not like real bad like some of those people. And that thought is letting in the opportunity because eventually you're going to convince yourself that you know now that you've been away from for 30 days, you've reset your brain and you can do it again. You just won't let it get out of control. Or you can now you can do this substance as long as you don't do that substance. That's where the problem is. And I've had a lot of people do that lately. A lot of people that have called me and said, hey, I want to stop drinking, I want to stop doing this or that the other. And I'll say why? And they'll tell me reasons or. But then they'll also tell me how their life is really good and they're functioning and they're doing all these wonderful things and yeah, they're an alcoholic, but they're pretty functional and it's not that bad. And there's some truth in that. There may be some truth in that some of the big horrible things haven't happened to them yet. Like, you know, they still have a job, you know, they're not in prison or something like that. But the correct thought there is, I'm not a fall down drunk yet, but I will be if you want to put in there, I'm not this yet, I'm okay with it as long as you know you will be. And that there's no like loophole around that. Because when people are still sort of functional or whatever, it's just so easy to convince yourself that, well, I'm not a real addict or alcoholic, which means I don't have to quit completely. That's what that's about. If you're having trouble, that's the first place I'd look. What is your thought process around that? How are you convincing yourself that you're either going to manage it differently, how are you convincing yourself that you're going to be able to go to these places or keep these people in your life? It is not going to trip you up this is where the rationalization gets in. And, and the stronger your desire for sobriety is, and the more like you really mean it and you're committed, the more sneaky this addiction will get. It'll stop trying to get you to use or drink or whatever right out the gate. It'll just try to talk you into getting close to it. You know, I always say it'll talk in to go visit your cousin Ray Ray, you know, because he's your boy and you hadn't seen him in a bunch of years and it's his birthday and you don't want him to think, you know, that you're being rude. You know, you'll convince yourself why you need to put yourself in a bad situation. If addiction can't get you to use today, it'll get you to get a step closer and a step closer. It'll get you to start stopping at that grocery store that's right by that place where you used to get what you used to get. Because if it can get you close, it knows that one day you're gonna have bad day and your, your willpower is going to be low and you're going to be weak and your defenses are going to be down. And if it's got you in the right place at the right time, you're done for. And there's this sneaky little tiny whisper in the back of your head that kind of knows that I know that you know that. And, and there's this like, little tiny thing in the back of your head that kind of secretly wants the opportunity to slide back. And so that's another reason why you're keeping this people place thing, whatever it is, in your life and not getting rid of it. This is about honesty. This is about humility and the willingness to do what you've got to do to get on the other side of it. Good news is totally worth it. Good news is it gets easier and easier and easier. Pretty much everybody I've ever dealt with that got on the other side of this felt better. Like, I can literally look at them within weeks of making this choice, and they look like different people and they, Their vibe is like a different person. And they're, you know, things are better for people usually within weeks. And from that point, it gets better and better and better, and you become more and more glad that you did that. Some of you may have been sober long enough, periods long enough that you've experienced that, and you know what I'm talking about. But somewhere back in your head, you convinced yourself to undo one of these things I just told you. You convinced yourself that whatever that thing was was still positive. You convinced yourself that it's okay to go on that cruise because you've been planning this vacation for a while and I know you're only four weeks sober. But you know, you pay for this cruise, you need to go on it, and you're trying to quit drinking. The rationalizations, that's what you've got to catch and stop. I would like to say hello to the people who are joining us live and the people who are joining us on the replay. We are so glad you're here. If you're new to this channel, my name is Amber Hollingsworth. I'm a master addiction counselor and I've been doing this for like 20 years. And I'm here to share with you all my secret tips and tricks that I've learned after over all those years. Because I want you to be able to beat addiction and get your life back on track. Because I know that life is going to be so much better for you and I know this isn't the life you want to live, whether it's for yourself or for a loved one. If you can relate to any of that, you're in the right place and you haven't already subscribed. Make sure you hit the subscribe button and the bell because that tells you when I release new videos now, I always release videos on Tuesday and I always do a live video on Thursdays like I'm doing right now at 1:00pm Eastern Time. But pretty regularly I release some other videos in there, just kind of like when I get a random idea or I have some extra content, I release it. And you won't know it unless you've got that bell, that bell notification turned on. And if you normally watch on your phone, you have to actually turn the notifications on in your YouTube app. I'm going to give you someone a chance to come on and talk if you want to come on talk. I see some questions in the chat already. We're going to get to those. And while we do that, I will remind you as always, there's always links in the description for other resources. We've started this new strength based coaching program for people who are trying to beat addictions. This one isn't for family members. This one's for people who are trying to overcome addictions. And it does it by helping you focus on your strengths and what right about you and using your assets instead of focusing on what's wrong. I'm Pretty excited about it. We. We really like it. We're having a lot of success. So there's a link to that in the description, too. I'm gonna put the link up in case anybody wants to join us. Like, actually come on the video here and join us, because we haven't done that in a little while. But remember, if you do that, we are live. Don't say or do anything you don't want out there, because it's going to be out there. All right, Steph, I see you have a question here. Would it be beneficial to ask these things to someone in pre contemplation? Like, if you're honest with yourself, can you see anything positive from using the substance? No, I would definitely not ask that question from someone that's in a pre contemplative state. Now, a little, like, variance on that question that you might could ask would be something like this. Like. Like a lot of times people say, dude, I've never quit drinking. I love to drink, or, you know, I love to smoke, or whatever it is that they're doing. And you. And when they say stuff like that, you're going to want to tell them all the reasons why, you know, they shouldn't do it. Don't do that. What you can say is, you can say, is there anything about it you don't like? Because usually there's something about it that they don't like. And. And you say it sort of casual, not pointed, not overly serious, but you can slide that question, which is kind of like this question, but it'll work better if you word it different. If you have someone who's already in contemplation, then you can help them think this through by asking them questions like, well, you know, what, what, what are the reasons why you want to stop? Because then they'll start talking about them and ask them more questions about those and then more questions about those. What you're doing is you're helping them really sort of build a solid understanding about what it's doing for them, to them and to the people around them. Hopefully that helps. Shayla says, how far do I go with the legal consequences to hold my love on accountable? Meth use. We share an infant. My. He broke my ribs. I pressed charges. He's scared, and he wants me to drop them. When I first read your question, my first thought was, well, you're not in control of the legal consequences. But then I kept reading here, Shayla, and I see what you're saying, which is, you've pressed charges. I watch a lot of true crime, Shayla. And every time you see this, like this domestic violence thing and badly, it's like there was charges and the cops were called and the person dropped them. Them. In some states, they won't even let you drop them. I don't even know what state you're in. But in some states, they've got new laws where they won't. They won't let you drop them. It's kind of. It's kind of a good thing, actually. So, I mean, to me, if he broke your rios. That is serious. I mean, to me, you need to let that play out. Letting him off of the hook for that. I know he probably is sorry. I know he probably regrets it. I know he probably. He probably means it when he says never going to do it again, he probably. And I know he's saying all those things. I know he means it. But if he. It is going to happen again. If he continues to do the math. And so if he doesn't have a really solid plan for how he's not going to do that anymore. No, back up. Not if he doesn't have a plan. In your situation, it needs to be. He needs to be already off of the substance for a long time and doing much better before you let put yourself in jeopardy. You've got an infant. You just can't. You just can't do that. So you can kind of go back to those three steps that I said earlier for getting sober and apply them to yourself in relationship, to the relationship you have right here. You can care about them, you can support them, but breaking ribs is very, very serious. And in my mind, if they got charges, they deserve to get those charges. Let's see here. Hey, Alexis. Hey. I'm glad I could catch you on the stream. Thank you. We are in a good place today, but still praying and hoping for complete absence and active recovery from a husband. Glad you're here and glad to hear that things are going well or at least moving in the right direction. Hi, is it Ananda from Brazil? And let's see here. Hey, Shayla, I think we said your question earlier. Karen's got a question. Daughter sober for 50 days, has been buying non alcoholic beverages and mocktails. This is a good question, Karen. I get this one a lot. For years and years and years, my answer was always this. A bad idea because it tastes like alcohol a lot of times, smells like alcohol, feels like it in your hand, sounds like it when you open it. Like there's so many senses involved with triggers, you know, so many reminders that it activates that craving part of the brain. So I do think that that can be, that can be risky. And I think you gotta weigh the pros and cons. I'm not as one sided as I used to be on it because over the years I have had a lot of clients who told me that it actually was very helpful. So when I'm working with clients who want to, you know, say, should I order non alcoholic this or whatever, then I say, you're gonna have to pay very close attention to how much it triggers you. For some people, it makes them feel better, especially in a social situation when they can have a drink in their hand that looks like a regular drink and they just don't feel awkward. But for other people, it's just gonna make you want the real deal. So I guess it's, it's up to the individual. But I encourage people to pay close attention because it is, it can be very triggering. See, Let me see if I can say this name. Mama Achi Designs. How do you help someone on dialysis not drink? I don't know that my answer to that would be any different than my answer for any other circumstance. It, it feels like it'd be different because the situation is more dire. And I wish I could say that there's other strategies you could use, but the strategies that I teach on this channel are the most effective ones regardless of the, of the stage. So, you know, if you follow the steps that we teach on this channel, those are the steps, if you're in our invisible intervention program that outlines for you, step by step by step, how to help someone get sober. Even someone that's in denial. So let's see here. Hey, Anthony. Hey yo mama. Hey Steph. Let's see here. Steph says thank you so much, Amber, for your free content. I noticed an almost immediate change in myself and my spouse when I started implementing what you teach. I now have hope. Hey, that's awesome. Thank you for sharing that. And I'm so glad that you're seeing results. I feel like usually if from the family perspective, if you start to do these things that I teach you, the addiction may not go away immediately, but the situation starts to get better pretty quickly. And the addiction part eventually comes, but the relationship starts to get better first and then the addiction part. So, so glad to hear you're having good results. And thank you for sharing that with us. If you do have a question, if you put a question mark in front of it, in front of the question, or you write the word question, it helps me see it faster. Let's see. Bianca has a question. Hey, Amber, can you give me some advice on how I can stop having so much resentment and paranoid about everything my husband does? I try to calm my anxiety, but I don't believe anything he says. That's a complicated question, Bianca, because going through that with a loved one can be very traumatizing, and some people develop anxiety. That's. That's almost like trauma symptoms. So I don't know what level yours is, but the first thing I would do in your situation, Bianca, is I would stop worrying about whether or not you can believe them. When you're in that state of mind where you're trying to figure out, like, is he lying? He's telling the truth, and you're just going to make yourself crazy, and that keeps your anxiety up, and that keeps you in the, like, snooping, spying zone, which isn't good for the relationship. You don't have to worry too much about selling truth, because if it's addiction, it'll show itself. Even with my clients, I don't worry too much that they're telling me the truth. I mean, honestly, I usually kind of know because we're talking to their family members, too, so I usually kind of know what's going on in the background for the most part. But can I be lied to? Of course I can be lied to. Can I be tricked? I can definitely be tricked, but I don't worry about it. And the reason I don't worry about it is because I know that if they're sketchy, it's gonna come. It's gonna show itself. Like, you don't have to dig for it or look for it. Their own lies will come to the surface, I promise. And so if you can have faith in that process, Bianca, and you know that it will work its way to the top, then you don't feel so stressed about finding it, improving it one way or the other. You don't have to. Addiction shows itself. That's what makes it addiction. It's because of all that unmanageability. It always surfaces every time. Let's see here. This one, this one. My husband won't go months, and then all of a sudden, he relapses. He still doesn't know how it happens. I believe him. I think it happens so quick. He doesn't know, but dang, figure out how. I have seen Jessica, like we talked about a little bit earlier, sometimes people do, like, realize, almost, like, in this, like, auto automatic zone, especially if it's, like, alcohol or something that's just, like, easily there that you could just like, pick up and start drinking without even thinking, like, out of habit. If it's. If it's drugs and there's a lot more steps involved in getting access to it, then I don't know if I believe that it's that automatic. He doesn't know how. Usually, though, there's a vulnerability there that makes you open to it. So I would sort of look back through these three things that we just talked about and see which of these three things isn't tight, isn't fully in place. Where is there a rationalization or a justification to get close to it or something like that? Where is he making himself vulnerable? That's where I would look. Jen says, how do you get over an addiction to a person? My boyfriend of seven years is a fentanyl addict and is in complete denial. I'm having a hard time giving up on him. Well, some of the reason why you might be having a hard time could be. I mean, even when you're using the. The word Jen, giving up on him probably makes you feel guilty. Like, of course there's this part of, like, I miss him, I love him, I want to be around him. But now you're adding in a part of give up on him, which just makes you feel bad. And especially. I don't. I don't know anything about your situation, Jim, but especially if this person is like, burned bridges with everyone else and you feel like you're one of the last ties to anything good, then you feel like, this pressure to stay there because you feel like you're less than. I want you to change those words from give up on him to give him some space or give yourself some space, because you don't have to give up to back up and give space. But if you want to get over someone, you have to stop feeding the obsessive thoughts that you have. It's actually the very same process as what the addictive person has to do to give up their addiction. Stop going in the rabbit hole, stop thinking about it, stop checking the apps and snooping and sneaking and spying and asking after and all that kind of stuff, because you're just feeding that obsession in your own brain. You're going to have to redirect your thinking and get some distance. And the more you can do that, the faster you'll heal. Gail says, do you feel most addiction stems from trauma? How do I best support my, ah. Coming out of rehab last time he only lasted 48 hours. A lot of people in this field, Gal will say that all addiction comes from trauma. I'm not, I'm not as big a believer in that as a lot of people. I, I do think trauma will set you up for addiction. So I think you're a lot more likely to have addiction if you have trauma than like the general population. But I, there's a lot of people I've worked with who have real deal addictions who don't have any significant trauma in their past. And I know that the word trauma is so broad now that you could look at anybody's life and find some difficult life changing experience that they've been through. But what I'm saying is, do they have trauma? Does everyone have trauma? Like more than just you could look at your life, my life, anybody's life and say trauma? I don't think so. I know everybody's had bad experiences and you could, if you look hard enough, you can find something to say, yeah, that's the trauma that's causing it. But I don't, I don't think so. Some people develop addictions because they put an addictive chemical in their body long enough, they get addicted to it. It's kind of like if you think about cigarette smoking, we don't, we don't have the idea that you need to have trauma in your past to get addicted to cigarettes. Right. We have the idea that if you smoke enough of them, you're going to get addicted to them. Right. Right. So can trauma set you up? Yes. Are you more likely? Yes. Does everyone know now? If you use long enough, you probably will have some significant trauma because the addictive process causes trauma. You're in bad situations, bad things happen, you do bad things, you lose things, and all of those things can cause trauma. But sometimes the trauma comes after the addiction. That's a really great question. I'm glad you asked it. Married a long time. I like that username. Says he can control the alcohol. He thinks he doesn't do anything horrible, but he has had a stroke and doesn't believe it was the alcohol. I didn't know he was one. How is that possible? Are you saying you didn't know he was an alcoholic? Like when you married him? I think that's what you're saying. Is this is kind of, to me it sounds like he's in one of those situations where it's like when you say he doesn't do anything horrible, it makes me think that he's probably fairly functioning. But you can rationalize anything, Right? I've had people tell Me, I'm not alcoholic. I've never beat my wife. I'm like, what? That's ridiculous. I'm not a drug addict. I've never pawned anything before. I'm like, what? Like, it's not. That's not in the DSM criteria. You know, there's always a. A way to say, I'm not this bad or I'm not that bad. I don't really have an addiction. Now, I'm telling you that. That doesn't mean that I think you should go and tell him what I just said. That's not what I'm saying. Don't do that. If you want to know how to interact with him, go back and watch my videos on how to, like, get someone out of denial. That will help you. I'm just telling you that. That. That's a rationalization. And the stroke. I've seen people with, like, very serious medical problems that were definitely stemming from their addiction. But there's always a way to say, no, it's not really the drinking. It's not really drugs. It was this or that or the other. There's a way to excuse away most things until, like, your cirrhosis of the liver or something like that so bad that you just cannot deny it and it can't possibly be from something else. And then the rationalization is, well, I've already ruined it anyway, or I'm so far in, I can't stop. So then the rationalization just changes from it's not the substance to I can't help it. So it's tricky as far as what you do. If he thinks he can control it, you have to let him work through those bargaining stages. And there's more about that in some of the other videos. I want to remind everybody there are links in the description for more resources. And I'm going to put a video up here for you next about what other steps you need to take to get sober. But remember, these are the three if you. You got to get these three right. For sure. I'll see you guys next week. Thursday at 1. Bye, everybody.